These aren't the sides for my Star Wars Episode XIV audition?Leading small-animal snuff film auteur Herman Cain has taken a brief respite from murdering rabbits to bring us this late-breaking newsflash that Newt Gingrich is now too awful to keep company with people who murder rabbits: “I even endorsed Newt Gingrich at one point because I thought that he had a shot. Well, not now. He doesn’t have a shot,” said Cain. What changed his mind? Well for one thing, Herman is now a serious filmmaker, and sweet loving Jesus has anyone seen Newt’s latest campaign video? The top photo is a salacious hint. Watch the dramedy unfold, after the jump!

Here it is, folks, video of the critically endangered five last remaining Newt Gingrich supporters as they wage vicious battle on reality and lighting in equal measure:

Congratulations, Newt Gingrich, you have finally innovated a campaign ad so cheap that even the most determined parodist would have no choice but to improve upon its production value. [YouTube]

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  • Barb
    • Especially if one already has it

      • Barb

        Has what?

        • LifeLock

          • Vecchiojohn

            What's LifeLock? Anything like CockBlock?

          • It's an identity theft protection service that was most notable for the founder posting billboards with his actual Social Security number on them, and daring thieves to use it.

            You can write the rest of the story, I presume?

          • Barb

            Meh, give Newt a week and a spool of thread and he'll appear in clothes covered in ads and looking like a NASCAR vehicle.

          • Someone…Al Franken, I think…suggested that all candidates for office should be forced to wear sponsor patches on their suits so we'd know who owned them.

          • montreal_bruin

            Hightower. It was Jim Hightower.

          • Tundra Grifter

            And Tundra Grifter, right here on Wonkette. It was before one of the GNoPee debates.

          • Data Exactly

            As if the Koch Brothers aren't everywhere as it is…

  • rambone

    Still a slight improvement over his "Two-Newts-One-Cup" video.

    Oh, wait. Come to think of it, that might have been a santorum ad.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Wow. I mean, just… wow.

    I'm not certain how much being "authentic" counts, when the person in question is an authentic asshole crybaby whorediamond-grifting sack of pus.

    • chicken_thief

      We talking about Newt or Lou Sarah?

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        All of them, Katie!

  • Come here a minute

    Newt would have used his own home-made video, but he couldn't decide which bathroom to record it in.

    • JustPixelz

      Title: "One Newt, Two Bathrooms".

    • Data Exactly

      C'mon, just enter a bathroom and choose already! This campaign isn't going to lose itself! (Oh wait, yes it will) Well ………. the eyeless penguin apocalypse will be soon so do it!!!

  • SorosBot

    I see white people.

    • freakishlywrong

      And YOUNG people. I call bullshit.

      • SorosBot

        Young men, almost exclusively; there's only two vagina possessors in the video, and one is ooooold.

    • Fare la Volpe

      And nothing else.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I see six people.

    • Callyson

      Seriously, you'd think they would have thrown in a token Latino or something.

      • Data Exactly

        Newt Gingrich can't afford any such tokens – take that shit on over to Chuck E. Cheese's!

  • el_donaldo

    How much do you want to bet he hit up his donors for $3,000,000 for the ad, and then paid himself and Callista $2,999,500 for creative consulting on the project.

    • It's clear Callista was involved in lighting that one woman.

  • freakishlywrong

    Last Conservative Standing Be still my heart, if fucking only.

  • Why do those nice young men have moldy faces?

    • elviouslyqueer

      You would too if you spent your entire waking life holed up in your mom's basement.

      • And by "basement" you mean "hoohah"?

  • RedneckMuslin

    What a rebel you are Herman. Always endorse a winner when they're winning.

  • Boojum

    How does skoalrebel feel about this?

  • I don't click on videos from assholes since they are more annoying than funny but from the background in the still at the top of the page it looks like it was shot in a motel bedroom. Must have been just before they were kicked out for not paying the tab.

    • Better, they were still on the clock from the bukkake short they filmed the hour before!

    • kissawookiee

      And, apparently, stealing the sheets.

      • Data Exactly

        Go Johnny, go go go!

    • Data Exactly

      Would you purchase the 'Making of' video for this masterpiece and find out the truth on that?

  • HempDogbane

    Unendorsement is the new endorsement.

  • SorosBot

    That wrinkly old (shudder) Sarah Palin wannabe needs to learn a little something about lighting; don't shine it directly into your face people. She looks like a glowing white smear.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      That's her good side.

    • Fare la Volpe

      She also shoots from below her face and up her nostrils. I really can't believe there are morons who sit at their computers thinking, "Hell yeah, I'm going to look so sexy from this angle. Boogers and pig noses are hot."

  • NorthStarSpanx

    I am so embarrassed. I almost feel sorry enough for him to send him a dollar. Almost.

    • James Michael Curley

      Do it. He'll have to spend more than $1 processing it so he can spend it.
      However, he'll probably just sneak it into his pocket when nobody is looking.

    • Data Exactly

      Just send him a dollar for a bandaid for the penguin bite, mmmkay?

  • I wake up in the morning
    And I raise my bulbous head
    I've got a Tiffany box for a pillow
    And Callista gave me head
    I don't know where I'm going
    Even God doesn't care where I've been
    I'm the loser in the run
    A big time failure
    A hamburger wrapper in the wind

    I'm going out in a blaze of failure
    Take me now but know the truth
    I'm going out in a blaze of failure
    Lord I served papers first
    When I dumped the first wife
    I'm no one's man
    Call me done'n gone

  • Baconzgood

    Why doesn't that dude have sheets on his bed?

    • He used to be into Santorum until Rick dropped out

    • ProgressiveInga

      It's a porn studio.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      I am pretty sure there is green rope hanging from the corner of his headboard. At least he was smart enough to put away his 12 inch dildo before recording himself.

    • DustBowlBlues

      While the rest of you had your minds in your favorite gutter watering hole, my first thought was that this was a plea to send him a set of sheets. Or that his mom and dad are due back from vaca any minute and he had to wash their sheets lest they find out about the "Hey, my parents are out of town! Partay!" shindig he hosted for his girl friend.

      Anyway, my thoughts were of a mother who's been hit up for this kind of gift before until they slid into, "Christ, but what the hell did that kid do in his parents' bed?"

    • kissawookiee

      He's hitting the NRA convention after the shoot's over?

    • greenide1

      Because he had to use them to wrap up the bodies of the Democrats he decapitated after Ted Nugent told him to.

  • RedneckMuslin

    This video made me laugh so much that I don't have to go see the Three Stooges movie now. Nyuk! Nyuk!

  • Goonemeritus

    The youth in that video make the most compelling argument to date about the danger of sniffing glue while pregnant.

  • Baconzgood

    And for some reason it cost $3.6 Million to produce…..

  • How about a Cain – Newticles bum fight?

    Maybe they'd raise a few bucks with that.

    • 200 Quatloos on the Black one.

    • If I wanted to watch two women slap each other, I'd hang out down at Filene's Basement during their wedding dress sale.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    None of those people look like they get out of the basement much.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    That video was pretty sick

    So Newt will obviously move on to a younger, fresher ad.

    • comrad_darkness

      And he will bonk it so hard, for patriotism.

  • JustPixelz

    You know how web sites (like wonkette!) like to post pictures of people when they were young and foolish, with young and foolish looking hair? We haven't seen the last of these people.

  • Shorter Ad: Newt Gingrich. Supported by people who keep their computers next to their beds in their parents' homes.

  • FakaktaSouth

    What in the HELL is going on with these people when a black dude is telling Newt Gingrich that his time is up with Republicans? I cannot keep up.

  • That guy never finished his statement before he was cut. Perhaps Wonkette readers would like to fill in the rest? "Do us a favor. Do us all a favor…."

    • "…please call my parents! He touches me!"

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      "…encourage the penguins."

    • Data Exactly

      Don't stick it in your poo-poo.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    That guy couldn't even be bothered to remove the lube on the nightstand and the rope hanging from the headboard before making that video. Also, buy some sheets! Gross.

    • SexySmurf

      Newt is playing to his base: auto-erotic asphyxiaters.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Okay, I'm going to put on my mommy voice now, so close your ears if you don't want to hear this: kids, if you're going to video blog, make your damn bed and pick up the laundry from off the floor! Yes, we can see that. Yes, we are judging you. And get off my lawn! Also.

  • ProgressiveInga

    "He's done it for years. He's always been involved in it."
    Adultery or corruption? I'm confused…

  • Move over, Les Quatre Cents Coups.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Is that the French version of Two Girls One Cup?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Dear Sheldon Adelson:

    Take a long, loving look at this video, and remember that this is how Newt is spending your Big Muneez campaign donations.

    You're welcome.


  • fartknocker

    I guess the youngsters haven't researched Newt's first tenure in the Senate, his divorces, or his $1.6 million gig as historian for Fannie Mae and Freddy Mac. After you kids do that, send me a video of how you really feel about your conservative messiah.

    • James Michael Curley

      Newt was in the House. Though there may have been a 'little happy' area for him in the Senate Cloakroom.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Needs more animal-stomping.

    • Data Exactly

      Or at least a claymation bunny shot in the air skeet-style.

  • mavenmaven

    Was that Breivik reading his thousand page manifesto in that bedroom shot?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This has got to be the worst amatuer porn ever made.

  • They can't elect him President, but they can elect him the President of their hearts.

    • Data Exactly


  • SheriffRoscoe

    Needs somebody sitting on the toilet, for authenticity.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Well, the painting behind the long-haired t-shirted chick looks like it's smeared with santorum, so there's that.

  • WiscDad

    I want to see Spermin' Herman's video collection of 'other people'

  • kissawookiee

    Mitt's gotta be kicking himself now for not sewing up the Thrasher vote sooner.

  • occams8ball

    Congratulations democrats! By wisely shifting your political ambitions to the right of Reagan, The last conservative is about to drown in his bathtub.

  • Buckminster

    Whenever I see a backward ball cap, I want to slap the redneck out of 'em.

  • Buckminster

    What were these whiny dumbasses, like 8 years old when Newtie got kicked downstairs in the 1990s?

  • DahBoner

    Get a job, Morans! 1!!!!

  • MLite

    I would at least have bothered to clean my room…

  • Tundra Grifter

    Ole Newt is the reverse King Midas.

    He's got the coprophagic touch – everything within his reach turns to … well, you can Google it if you can't figure it out.

  • owhatever

    This is a Big Idea? It is the worst ad of the campaign.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      You don't make a campaign ad with the supporters you wish you had, you make it with the supporters you have. In this case, all six of them.

      (Unless you're Mint Mormoney, and can affort to hire a cast of thousands of normal-looking humans.)

  • Ancient_Hacker

    … and these were the BEST clips, even though most of them still have their eyes veering off to read from the script.

  • ttommyunger

    OK, agreed: that is the worst ad ever (no, of course I didn't watch it), but still conflicted as to the worst candidate ever. Is it Cain or Gingrich? Inquiring minds want to know, also, too.

  • How else can he pay for the million something debt his campaign has accrued unless he keep campaigning?

  • lochnessmonster

    Gah! At least he could have sprung for some sheets for that one guy!

  • iburl

    Hey, how can I jump on this bandwagon of bad-breath nerds?!

  • I hate it when a hot girl goes to the dark side. What a waste!

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