LANDMARK ACHIEVEMENTS IN FILM  10:30 am April 18, 2012

Newt Gingrich Makes World’s Actual Most Pathetic Campaign Ad

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

These aren't the sides for my Star Wars Episode XIV audition?Leading small-animal snuff film auteur Herman Cain has taken a brief respite from murdering rabbits to bring us this late-breaking newsflash that Newt Gingrich is now too awful to keep company with people who murder rabbits: “I even endorsed Newt Gingrich at one point because I thought that he had a shot. Well, not now. He doesn’t have a shot,” said Cain. What changed his mind? Well for one thing, Herman is now a serious filmmaker, and sweet loving Jesus has anyone seen Newt’s latest campaign video? The top photo is a salacious hint. Watch the dramedy unfold, after the jump!

Here it is, folks, video of the critically endangered five last remaining Newt Gingrich supporters as they wage vicious battle on reality and lighting in equal measure:

Congratulations, Newt Gingrich, you have finally innovated a campaign ad so cheap that even the most determined parodist would have no choice but to improve upon its production value. [YouTube]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 104 comments }

Barb April 18, 2012 at 10:32 am

Gingrich rents his campaign email list to LifeLock to stay in race http://bzfd.it/HSYcSA

I bet both of those two people are gonna be pissed.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 10:37 am

Especially if one already has it

Barb April 18, 2012 at 10:43 am

Has what?

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 10:47 am

LifeLock

Vecchiojohn April 18, 2012 at 10:50 am

What's LifeLock? Anything like CockBlock?

Barb April 18, 2012 at 10:52 am

Meh, give Newt a week and a spool of thread and he'll appear in clothes covered in ads and looking like a NASCAR vehicle.

rambone April 18, 2012 at 10:33 am

Still a slight improvement over his "Two-Newts-One-Cup" video.

Oh, wait. Come to think of it, that might have been a santorum ad.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 10:37 am

Or "Human Newtipede"

GunToting[Redacted] April 18, 2012 at 10:35 am

Wow. I mean, just… wow.

I'm not certain how much being "authentic" counts, when the person in question is an authentic asshole crybaby whorediamond-grifting sack of pus.

chicken_thief April 18, 2012 at 10:40 am

We talking about Newt or Lou Sarah?

GunToting[Redacted] April 18, 2012 at 10:42 am

All of them, Katie!

Come here a minute April 18, 2012 at 10:35 am

Newt would have used his own home-made video, but he couldn't decide which bathroom to record it in.

JustPixelz April 18, 2012 at 10:40 am

Title: "One Newt, Two Bathrooms".

Data Exactly April 18, 2012 at 9:56 pm

C'mon, just enter a bathroom and choose already! This campaign isn't going to lose itself! (Oh wait, yes it will) Well ………. the eyeless penguin apocalypse will be soon so do it!!!

SorosBot April 18, 2012 at 10:35 am

I see white people.

freakishlywrong April 18, 2012 at 10:40 am

And YOUNG people. I call bullshit.

SorosBot April 18, 2012 at 10:51 am

Young men, almost exclusively; there's only two vagina possessors in the video, and one is ooooold.

Fare la Volpe April 18, 2012 at 10:57 am

And nothing else.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 18, 2012 at 10:58 am

I see six people.

Callyson April 18, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Seriously, you'd think they would have thrown in a token Latino or something.

Data Exactly April 18, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Newt Gingrich can't afford any such tokens – take that shit on over to Chuck E. Cheese's!

el_donaldo April 18, 2012 at 10:35 am

How much do you want to bet he hit up his donors for $3,000,000 for the ad, and then paid himself and Callista $2,999,500 for creative consulting on the project.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 10:38 am

It's clear Callista was involved in lighting that one woman.

freakishlywrong April 18, 2012 at 10:36 am

Last Conservative Standing Be still my heart, if fucking only.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 10:36 am

Why do those nice young men have moldy faces?

elviouslyqueer April 18, 2012 at 10:51 am

You would too if you spent your entire waking life holed up in your mom's basement.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 10:55 am

And by "basement" you mean "hoohah"?

RedneckMuslin April 18, 2012 at 10:36 am

What a rebel you are Herman. Always endorse a winner when they're winning.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 10:39 am

Whine! Whine! Whine!

Boojum April 18, 2012 at 10:36 am

How does skoalrebel feel about this?

donner_froh April 18, 2012 at 10:36 am

I don't click on videos from assholes since they are more annoying than funny but from the background in the still at the top of the page it looks like it was shot in a motel bedroom. Must have been just before they were kicked out for not paying the tab.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 10:39 am

Better, they were still on the clock from the bukkake short they filmed the hour before!

kissawookiee April 18, 2012 at 11:27 am

And, apparently, stealing the sheets.

Data Exactly April 18, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Go Johnny, go go go!

Data Exactly April 18, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Would you purchase the 'Making of' video for this masterpiece and find out the truth on that?

HempDogbane April 18, 2012 at 10:37 am

Unendorsement is the new endorsement.

SorosBot April 18, 2012 at 10:38 am

That wrinkly old (shudder) Sarah Palin wannabe needs to learn a little something about lighting; don't shine it directly into your face people. She looks like a glowing white smear.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 18, 2012 at 11:01 am

That's her good side.

Fare la Volpe April 18, 2012 at 11:19 am

She also shoots from below her face and up her nostrils. I really can't believe there are morons who sit at their computers thinking, "Hell yeah, I'm going to look so sexy from this angle. Boogers and pig noses are hot."

NorthStarSpanx April 18, 2012 at 10:38 am

I am so embarrassed. I almost feel sorry enough for him to send him a dollar. Almost.

James Michael Curley April 18, 2012 at 10:57 am

Do it. He'll have to spend more than $1 processing it so he can spend it.
However, he'll probably just sneak it into his pocket when nobody is looking.

Data Exactly April 18, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Just send him a dollar for a bandaid for the penguin bite, mmmkay?

ManchuCandidate April 18, 2012 at 10:40 am

I wake up in the morning
And I raise my bulbous head
I've got a Tiffany box for a pillow
And Callista gave me head
I don't know where I'm going
Even God doesn't care where I've been
I'm the loser in the run
A big time failure
A hamburger wrapper in the wind

I'm going out in a blaze of failure
Take me now but know the truth
I'm going out in a blaze of failure
Lord I served papers first
When I dumped the first wife
I'm no one's man
Call me done'n gone

Baconzgood April 18, 2012 at 10:40 am

Why doesn't that dude have sheets on his bed?

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 10:48 am

He used to be into Santorum until Rick dropped out

ProgressiveInga April 18, 2012 at 10:50 am

It's a porn studio.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 18, 2012 at 10:50 am

I am pretty sure there is green rope hanging from the corner of his headboard. At least he was smart enough to put away his 12 inch dildo before recording himself.

DustBowlBlues April 18, 2012 at 11:10 am

While the rest of you had your minds in your favorite gutter watering hole, my first thought was that this was a plea to send him a set of sheets. Or that his mom and dad are due back from vaca any minute and he had to wash their sheets lest they find out about the "Hey, my parents are out of town! Partay!" shindig he hosted for his girl friend.

Anyway, my thoughts were of a mother who's been hit up for this kind of gift before until they slid into, "Christ, but what the hell did that kid do in his parents' bed?"

kissawookiee April 18, 2012 at 11:30 am

He's hitting the NRA convention after the shoot's over?

greenide1 April 18, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Because he had to use them to wrap up the bodies of the Democrats he decapitated after Ted Nugent told him to.

RedneckMuslin April 18, 2012 at 10:41 am

This video made me laugh so much that I don't have to go see the Three Stooges movie now. Nyuk! Nyuk!

Goonemeritus April 18, 2012 at 10:41 am

The youth in that video make the most compelling argument to date about the danger of sniffing glue while pregnant.

Baconzgood April 18, 2012 at 10:41 am

And for some reason it cost $3.6 Million to produce…..

ifthethunderdontgetya April 18, 2012 at 10:41 am

How about a Cain – Newticles bum fight?

Maybe they'd raise a few bucks with that.
~

ManchuCandidate April 18, 2012 at 10:45 am

200 Quatloos on the Black one.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 11:00 am

If I wanted to watch two women slap each other, I'd hang out down at Filene's Basement during their wedding dress sale.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 18, 2012 at 10:43 am

None of those people look like they get out of the basement much.

OC_Surf_Serf April 18, 2012 at 10:43 am

That video was pretty sick

So Newt will obviously move on to a younger, fresher ad.

comrad_darkness April 18, 2012 at 10:55 am

And he will bonk it so hard, for patriotism.

JustPixelz April 18, 2012 at 10:44 am

You know how web sites (like wonkette!) like to post pictures of people when they were young and foolish, with young and foolish looking hair? We haven't seen the last of these people.

EloquentScience April 18, 2012 at 10:44 am

Shorter Ad: Newt Gingrich. Supported by people who keep their computers next to their beds in their parents' homes.

FakaktaSouth April 18, 2012 at 10:46 am

What in the HELL is going on with these people when a black dude is telling Newt Gingrich that his time is up with Republicans? I cannot keep up.

EloquentScience April 18, 2012 at 10:47 am

That guy never finished his statement before he was cut. Perhaps Wonkette readers would like to fill in the rest? "Do us a favor. Do us all a favor…."

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 10:54 am

"…please call my parents! He touches me!"

CogitoErgoBibo April 18, 2012 at 11:05 am

"…encourage the penguins."

Data Exactly April 18, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Don't stick it in your poo-poo.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 18, 2012 at 10:47 am

That guy couldn't even be bothered to remove the lube on the nightstand and the rope hanging from the headboard before making that video. Also, buy some sheets! Gross.

SexySmurf April 18, 2012 at 10:58 am

Newt is playing to his base: auto-erotic asphyxiaters.

CogitoErgoBibo April 18, 2012 at 10:51 am

Okay, I'm going to put on my mommy voice now, so close your ears if you don't want to hear this: kids, if you're going to video blog, make your damn bed and pick up the laundry from off the floor! Yes, we can see that. Yes, we are judging you. And get off my lawn! Also.

ProgressiveInga April 18, 2012 at 10:52 am

"He's done it for years. He's always been involved in it."
Adultery or corruption? I'm confused…

FlownOver April 18, 2012 at 10:54 am

Move over, Les Quatre Cents Coups.

Fare la Volpe April 18, 2012 at 11:00 am

Is that the French version of Two Girls One Cup?

elviouslyqueer April 18, 2012 at 10:55 am

Dear Sheldon Adelson:

Take a long, loving look at this video, and remember that this is how Newt is spending your Big Muneez campaign donations.

You're welcome.

EQ

fartknocker April 18, 2012 at 10:56 am

I guess the youngsters haven't researched Newt's first tenure in the Senate, his divorces, or his $1.6 million gig as historian for Fannie Mae and Freddy Mac. After you kids do that, send me a video of how you really feel about your conservative messiah.

James Michael Curley April 18, 2012 at 11:03 am

Newt was in the House. Though there may have been a 'little happy' area for him in the Senate Cloakroom.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 18, 2012 at 10:59 am

Needs more animal-stomping.

Data Exactly April 18, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Or at least a claymation bunny shot in the air skeet-style.

mavenmaven April 18, 2012 at 11:00 am

Was that Breivik reading his thousand page manifesto in that bedroom shot?

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 18, 2012 at 11:04 am

This has got to be the worst amatuer porn ever made.

MarionNYNY April 18, 2012 at 11:04 am

They can't elect him President, but they can elect him the President of their hearts.

Data Exactly April 18, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Here-here!

SheriffRoscoe April 18, 2012 at 11:16 am

Needs somebody sitting on the toilet, for authenticity.

elviouslyqueer April 18, 2012 at 11:26 am

Well, the painting behind the long-haired t-shirted chick looks like it's smeared with santorum, so there's that.

WiscDad April 18, 2012 at 11:28 am

I want to see Spermin' Herman's video collection of 'other people'

kissawookiee April 18, 2012 at 11:32 am

Mitt's gotta be kicking himself now for not sewing up the Thrasher vote sooner.

occams8ball April 18, 2012 at 11:42 am

Congratulations democrats! By wisely shifting your political ambitions to the right of Reagan, The last conservative is about to drown in his bathtub.

Buckminster April 18, 2012 at 11:50 am

Whenever I see a backward ball cap, I want to slap the redneck out of 'em.

Buckminster April 18, 2012 at 11:51 am

What were these whiny dumbasses, like 8 years old when Newtie got kicked downstairs in the 1990s?

DahBoner April 18, 2012 at 11:53 am

Get a job, Morans! 1!!!!

MLite April 18, 2012 at 11:53 am

I would at least have bothered to clean my room…

Tundra Grifter April 18, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Ole Newt is the reverse King Midas.

He's got the coprophagic touch – everything within his reach turns to … well, you can Google it if you can't figure it out.

owhatever April 18, 2012 at 1:36 pm

This is a Big Idea? It is the worst ad of the campaign.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 19, 2012 at 6:39 am

You don't make a campaign ad with the supporters you wish you had, you make it with the supporters you have. In this case, all six of them.

(Unless you're Mint Mormoney, and can affort to hire a cast of thousands of normal-looking humans.)

Ancient_Hacker April 18, 2012 at 2:00 pm

… and these were the BEST clips, even though most of them still have their eyes veering off to read from the script.

ttommyunger April 18, 2012 at 3:00 pm

OK, agreed: that is the worst ad ever (no, of course I didn't watch it), but still conflicted as to the worst candidate ever. Is it Cain or Gingrich? Inquiring minds want to know, also, too.

Thedongsofwar April 18, 2012 at 4:22 pm

How else can he pay for the million something debt his campaign has accrued unless he keep campaigning?

lochnessmonster April 18, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Gah! At least he could have sprung for some sheets for that one guy!

iburl April 18, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Hey, how can I jump on this bandwagon of bad-breath nerds?!

outragedcitizen April 19, 2012 at 8:22 am

I hate it when a hot girl goes to the dark side. What a waste!

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 10:57 am

It's an identity theft protection service that was most notable for the founder posting billboards with his actual Social Security number on them, and daring thieves to use it.

You can write the rest of the story, I presume?

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 10:58 am

Someone…Al Franken, I think…suggested that all candidates for office should be forced to wear sponsor patches on their suits so we'd know who owned them.

montreal_bruin April 18, 2012 at 11:04 am

Hightower. It was Jim Hightower.

Data Exactly April 18, 2012 at 9:49 pm

As if the Koch Brothers aren't everywhere as it is…

Tundra Grifter April 18, 2012 at 12:42 pm

And Tundra Grifter, right here on Wonkette. It was before one of the GNoPee debates.

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