Immigrant Kids Are So Over This Place

by Sara Benincasa

I remembered to put the alt text in for you nitpicky bastards!Have you ever met an immigrant? They are so interesting, these people, with their foreign customs (cherry blossom festivals, moon worship, human sacrifice) and rituals (throwing salt over one shoulder for good luck, dancing for good luck, beating their wives for good luck). Liberals greatly enjoy prattling on about how immigrants and their children add a lot to our culture, sometimes even by joining our military industrial complex and fighting on behalf of our oil companies, or perhaps simply by getting into better schools than their fat, slovenly American-born counterparts.

But! Once again, foolish liberals will have to eat their words, because haha, the anchor babies are leaving. So sayeth the New York Times:

In growing numbers, experts say, highly educated children of immigrants to the United States are uprooting themselves and moving to their ancestral countries. They are embracing homelands that their parents once spurned but that are now economic powers…For generations, the world’s less-developed countries have suffered so-called brain drain — the flight of many of their best and brightest to the West. That has not stopped, but now a reverse flow has begun, particularly to countries like China and India and, to a lesser extent, Brazil and Russia.

How can this be? Why should this be? Well, thanks to the impressive polling resources afforded me by your Wonkette, I have done an in-depth scientific study of the topic and come up with a few clear reasons why these kids are getting the fuck out of Dodge (Dodge = your nation, America.)

1. You ignored them in high school. Sure, Samir was a whiz at math and Yuki could always be counted on to deliver a longer-than-required book report, but were those adequate reasons for not inviting them to your carb-filled American birthday parties and, later, disgusting puke-inducing boozefests? Just because they were quieter and better-behaved than you and your gross buddies didn’t mean they didn’t want in on cake and kegstands.

2. REAL [fill in the blank] food is so much better in its country of origin. Have you ever watched “No Reservations,” the documentary travel program hosted by the weirdly endearing, occasionally slightly sexy Anthony Bourdain? On this show, Anthony goes to various hellholes and consumes their fried muskrats and twice-baked poop pies, and he inevitably has a good time and really enjoys the food. These are delicacies you just can’t get unless a wizened old grandmother with gnarled hands and hard-won wisdom makes them in her backyard firepit down by the River Xeruchuxao.

3. Economic prosperity. Yes, jobs are annoying and you have to go every single day, but on the upside, they bring you money and sometimes even professional and personal satisfaction! Some countries are home to things called “growth industries” and “expanding markets,” which inevitably lead to “greater employment opportunities.” That would possibly be a reason to leave the land in which you dwell. In fact, it’s probably the reason your immigrant ancestors came here in the first place! That, and they heard there were no cats in America and the streets were paved with cheese.

4. People in other countries are better-looking. This is especially true in the nation of Brazil, where every single person is astonishingly attractive, but is also true in most other places that are not the United States. Why stick around here with all the uggos when you can go back home and marry your hottest cousin?

These are of course just a few reasons to move out of this fetid cesspool of a republic. I didn’t even get to the fact that no one is allowed to go to the doctor and also that money is cooler-looking in other countries. On the upside, now maybe there’ll be an open spot at Harvard for your dumb, ugly American child. [NYT]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 157 comments }

nounverb911 April 18, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Maybe we can interest the Romney boys in leaving too.

Beowoof April 18, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Go on a mission to Uganda and stay there?

Biel_ze_Bubba April 18, 2012 at 1:22 pm

You think Utah will take them back?

mookwrthwilson April 18, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Back to their native land of Mexico?

elgin_pelican April 18, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Whoa, hold on! Tons of Lamanites in Old Mexico, danger, danger!

Biff April 18, 2012 at 2:44 pm

So you're saying plenty of missionary work to be done, then?

memzilla April 18, 2012 at 1:10 pm

5. Politicians suck less than in America.

True, politicians in other-than America range from benign and effective to corrupt and murder-y, but at least these other countries don't have that special brand of Rethuglican asshattery.

ManchuCandidate April 18, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Actually, about the same and sometimes worse.

Barb April 18, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Does this mean that Fox News report of Mattel making an Anchor Baby Barbie is wrong?

nounverb911 April 18, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Wendy Deng Murdoch?

Callyson April 18, 2012 at 1:17 pm

That would be those Bratz dolls–you know, some of them are blah and all.

Biff April 18, 2012 at 1:42 pm

At least those Cabbage Patch anchor babbies came with a birth certificate.

Ruhe April 18, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Even if production has already started Mattel can easily re-market them as "Quiver-Full" Baby Barbies. With all the cool kids leaving, American Christians are going to have to get busy, and by that I mean "get bizzay!"

coolhandnuke April 18, 2012 at 1:11 pm

5. Azawad.

Nostrildamus April 18, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Me too.

emmelemm April 18, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Gesundheit.

nounverb911 April 18, 2012 at 1:12 pm

"Have you ever met an immigrant?"
I married one. The in-law visits are interesting.

MittsHairHelmet April 18, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I wish I had a homeland to move back to. Alas.

snoopyfan2010 April 18, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Why?

MittsHairHelmet April 18, 2012 at 1:50 pm

so i wouldn't have to stay here? I guess Massachusetts is sorta like a foreign country at this point anyway

snoopyfan2010 April 18, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Oh really?

anniegetyerfun April 18, 2012 at 1:13 pm

"In growing numbers, experts say, highly educated children of immigrants to the United States are uprooting themselves and moving to their ancestral countries."

Fuck, I've been trying to do this for years, but Scotland won't take me back.

Beowoof April 18, 2012 at 1:20 pm

I keep looking at ways to get into Ireland, Germany or Israel, the source of my roots. When you're my age they usually don't want you back.

sewollef April 18, 2012 at 1:36 pm

No one wants to go back to Scotland…. I mean Emperor Hadrian built a friggin' wall to keep them in.

Didn't work too well though if you got out…. come to think of it, one of my oldest friends escaped from Edinburgh back in the 80's. Damn those Romans.

Swampgas_Man April 18, 2012 at 1:46 pm

I thought Hadrian built the wall to keep them OUT.

Fox n Fiends April 18, 2012 at 1:13 pm

GET BACK JOJO

Blueb4sunrise April 18, 2012 at 1:13 pm

….suffered so-called brain drain — the flight of many of their best and brightest to the West. That has not stopped, but now a reverse flow has begun.

It's all the skullfucking!!!

Extemporanus April 18, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Anchors, awaaayyy!

littlebigdaddy April 18, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I'm moving to Colombia!

LesBontemps April 18, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Mmmm, twice-baked poop pie.

Swampgas_Man April 18, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Coming soon to McDonalds.

Barb April 18, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Man, I am going to be so pissed if this is true and I have to do my own manicures and pedicures.

CogitoErgoBibo April 18, 2012 at 1:35 pm

And gardening. Plus: cabana boys, 100% less hot.

flamingpdog April 18, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Your post needz moar "anus hair" in it, Sara.

ManchuCandidate April 18, 2012 at 1:18 pm

The grass isn't always greener in the developing world… because that's not grass and the green is actually copper oxide.

CrunchyKnee April 18, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Fried muskrats and twice-baked poop pies are always ten times better with Sara!

SaraJBenincasa April 18, 2012 at 3:06 pm

It's so true!

Come here a minute April 18, 2012 at 1:19 pm

This is the new "Peggy Noonan saw a Mexican".

Callyson April 18, 2012 at 1:19 pm

5. They took a good look at our 2012 presidential campaign, said "I can't suffer these fools for one more moment," and took off.

Ruhe April 18, 2012 at 1:19 pm

"…open spot at Harvard…" Wouldn't most American children require two spots? And will Harvard be able to charge double even though it's only one fat kid in that spot?

OneYieldRegular April 18, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Tear down the dang fence.

coolhandnuke April 18, 2012 at 1:21 pm

They've looked at the polls and the American Dream of a car elevator in every home and a posthumous baptism of Anne Frank is just pure fantasy to them.

Beowoof April 18, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Well if you want to work, China and India are where Wall Street sent all the jobs, might as well go there and at least be able to find work.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 18, 2012 at 1:21 pm

I'm highly educated too, and I might get the hell out of Dodge if the GOPtards succeed in turning the place into a wingnut ignoramus' paradise (a.k.a. a hellhole.)

I hear they speak something close to English in Australia and New Zealand — I just hope they let me in.

freakishlywrong April 18, 2012 at 1:26 pm

The idiocracy commeth. I'm also considering those options of fleeing the revolution.

Biff April 18, 2012 at 1:48 pm

I tried that once. They said I was welcome to visit, but not to get too comfortable. My one-way airline ticket didn't impress them much, so they said perhaps I should just stay home.

Designer_Rants April 19, 2012 at 1:44 am

So much more frisking with the one-way ticket. If you ever feel like no one pays attention to you, buy a one-way.

UnholyMoses April 18, 2012 at 1:49 pm

TOO MUCH DEADLY ANIMAL!

Seriously — New Zealand I might be able to deal with (**insert joke about sheep here**) but Australia?

No way in hell I'd go there, given the number of poisonous spiders and snakes.

Just … no. Nonodiddynononofuckingwayno.

GunToting[Redacted] April 18, 2012 at 4:53 pm

My favorite comment about Australia: "Of the top 10 most poisonous snakes in the world, Australia has nine of them; or more correctly, Of the top 9 most poisonous snakes in the world, Australia has ALL of them."

BelleSC April 18, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Australia has just entered into a multibillion $ agreement with Japan to sell natural gas. A pipeline is being built. The town of Darwin, Australia on the northeast coast is predicted to quadruple in size with demand for workers with skills doing the same. If I were young and single that would be the place I'd go. It's a lovely town despite having been demolished by a cyclone in the past. I would not let that stop me.

GunToting[Redacted] April 18, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Tojo never made it to Darwin.

doloras April 18, 2012 at 7:47 pm

But Darwin's full of ignorant rednecks. It's like Australia's North Dakota with tropical heatwaves.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 20, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Yeah, but they aren't Xtards, so you can get along with them just fine.

Negropolis April 19, 2012 at 12:39 am

Darwin is a lovely town? Really? Isn't Darwin the least developed of all of Australia's capital cities?

Designer_Rants April 19, 2012 at 1:46 am

BelleSC is an Exxon recruiter. It's all fun and games until you realize you're in debt up to your first-born in company scrip [Exxoneros].

BelleSC April 19, 2012 at 4:52 am

No, not a recruiter. Just unaware. It sounded nice at first. Kind of like getting married does :-)

BelleSC April 19, 2012 at 4:50 am

Well, the parts I saw were lovely. But then again it was on a tour.

Goonemeritus April 18, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Ungrateful little bastards we let them sneak into our colleges run up the marking curve and then assuming ICE doesn’t deport them before graduation they skulk back to Berserkastan. Time to build the wall people these guys make up about 80% of our graduating engineering classes.

GeneralLerong April 18, 2012 at 1:31 pm

That's "Berserkistan."

Oh. You knew that. Never mind.

Goonemeritus April 18, 2012 at 1:40 pm

As a barely American engineer myself I can’t say that I did. Yes engineers are justifiably famous for our magnetic personalities but most of us didn’t win any spelling bees.

Designer_Rants April 19, 2012 at 1:53 am

Of course, every engineer I work with possesses a positively sparkling personality, plus that unknown quality; "glitz".
sent from my cubicle of hypocrisy via don't talk to nor look at me

CogitoErgoBibo April 18, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Wait. We're now outsourcing workers to India, along with the jobs? I think my head just exploded a little.

vulpes82 April 18, 2012 at 1:22 pm

"In growing numbers, experts say…"

"“We’ve gone way beyond anecdotal evidence,” said Edward J. W. Park, director of the Asian Pacific American Studies Program at Loyola Marymount University in Los Angeles."

Woah! Don't hit me with too many statistics and source-based facts, NYT trend piece! Might get in the way of making white upper-middle-class liberals worry that their kindergartener has no developing world hellhole with "creative energy" to run off to! Damn this accursed Nordic ancestry!

It'd also be interesting to hear how the "homelands" take to the re-immigrants. Probably think they're a bunch of Yankee assholes, I'd bet.

Chet Kincaid April 18, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Yay, more Rich Kidnapping Targets!

snoopyfan2010 April 18, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Actually, returns are welcome from what I hear.

Swampgas_Man April 18, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Provided they bring money w/ them.

snoopyfan2010 April 18, 2012 at 5:17 pm

There always has to be a catch…..

freakishlywrong April 18, 2012 at 1:23 pm

They are, in Mitt's mind, "self deporting".

BlueStateLibel April 18, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Way to go, Republicans! After 30 years of trickle-down, you've finally done the seemingly impossible – made this country so shitty that immigrants are going back to their home countries. Once we were a Melting Pot; now we are a dirty pot sitting on the stove encrusted with goo.

Chet Kincaid April 18, 2012 at 1:29 pm

It's true!! You see this happening on "House Hunters International" all the time!

CogitoErgoBibo April 18, 2012 at 1:38 pm

If I see another "poor," dejected couple learning that their $1.5M just doesn't go as far in the south of France as it did on the coast of Greece, I'm going to hurl.

Chet Kincaid April 18, 2012 at 1:41 pm

HGTV and the Food Network are the Pink Slime of TV time-fillers, in our house.

CogitoErgoBibo April 18, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Oh, mine too. I can't help but love the sick silliness of "Chopped." Definitely the only place you can see chefs McGyver-ing anchovies, strawberries, macaroni and pickles into an entree.

Chet Kincaid April 18, 2012 at 2:03 pm

What I don't get is why all those white people allow "Ahmed Hassan" into their backyards on "Yard Crashers"!

Chet Kincaid April 18, 2012 at 2:08 pm

And speaking of cross-post pollination, wait until a Million Uptight Moms glom onto all the same-sex-couples that routinely show up on HGTV shows!

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Hey, I like House Hunters International with all the rich white Southeners moving south because Nor'Carlina gets so collllllllllllllllllllld in the winter…sheeeeeet

RedneckMuslin April 18, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Will the French be asking for Lady Liberty back?

CogitoErgoBibo April 18, 2012 at 2:02 pm

According to this article, she'll be leaving shortly of her own accord.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 2:08 pm

As we saw in the documentary, "Ghostbusters II," she is ambulatory. Especially when Jackie Wilson is a-rockin'!

Chet Kincaid April 18, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Lady Liberty is tired of being bent over and fucked from behind by every threat to Our Great Country, both foreign and domestic, in the last hundred years. At least this is what America's editorial cartoonists have been telling me.

Mumbletypeg April 18, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Funny — I'd always said I'd like to elope to<insert exotic locale> — and I'm now realizing I just can't picture anyone in residence outside the Americas, saying to their significant other: "Let's elope to the U.S.!"
Whatever promise it held, even if gratification was deferred to the 3rd generation's firstborn after bequeathing enough long-saved earnings; or wish fulfilment came w/ its share of dysfunctional JoyLuck-style conflicted identity crises — coming here for opportunity is no longer 'up'pertunity. We're on a downhill slide and new documentation supporting it is no surprise. Unless we can spin something positive from or render a novelty of being the "Ugly American" I feel this time the moniker will be hard to shake if I attempt to travel abroad in coming years.

lisawines April 18, 2012 at 1:33 pm

You could do what I did and move to France to run away from Bush & Co. Since I couldn't speak French very well I didn't have to know that the politicians are dickwads here too. But at least you can say 'socialist' without hissing and an unmarried socialist she-male with two out-of-wedlock chillin' ran for president in 2007 and almost won. Hey, nobody said a thing about her slutty infidel-ity. They just voted for the short mo'fo' with a Napoleon complex.

Blueb4sunrise April 18, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Road Trip!!!!!!!!!!!
How many Wonketeers do ya figure could crash at your place?

lisawines April 18, 2012 at 1:52 pm

As long as fapping is kept to a minimum, I would say everybody! Of course, my apartment is the size of your bathroom so we'd have to have some sort of (fapping) schedule.

Blueb4sunrise April 18, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Not sure what a minimum amount would be. Need a Wonkette Survey.

and I don't have a bathroom anyway, I'm in Az. [where I see you once resided],
we just go outside now……

lisawines April 19, 2012 at 2:57 am

Yep, I'm a Philly-then-AZ girl. And if you come to Paris then you can see that when this apartment building was first built, there was one communal toilet down in the courtyard. The pull-string tank is still there, all rusted out. We use the old toilet room to store the trash cans now, but if you're inclined to using the great outdoors then you're most welcome to go downstairs and pee in the courtyard. This would infuriate our 'femme de menage' which would be great payback to the incredible noise she makes at 6am crash-banging the trash cans in and out of the courtyard.

Designer_Rants April 19, 2012 at 2:06 am

I heard …Tom Brokaw? (or the other one…) on NPR yesterday talking about how you had a guy dressed in a bumble bee costume running for president? That sounds better than Palinzzzzzzzz.

lisawines April 19, 2012 at 3:01 am

Haha! I hadn't heard about the bee costume and I would assume it would be Eva Joly because she's The Greens candidate and they're unhappy about how pesticide is killing off the whole world's bee population. But if it was a guy then I think it could be the guy from the Anticapitalist party who is hilarious and sometimes forgets he's even running, since he knows he hasn't got a chance. His name's Philippe Poutou and there are lots of jokes about him because poutou is slang for the little kisses you give to children. :-)

DerrickWildcat April 18, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Some years back, I was able to visit the strange land of my ancestors. It was really neat to observe their dances, dress, customs and to smell the exotic aroma of the food and drink like Spätzle, Wurst, Pom Fritzs, Kuchen, Nutella, Bier, Jägermeister and Schnapps. I really learned a lot about myself too.

sewollef April 18, 2012 at 1:33 pm

"I hear they speak something close to English in Australia and New Zealand — I just hope they let me in."

It's barely close to English, not really like what we speak in jolly old blighty. And apparently, Aussland needs hairdressers and sheep shearers.

So if you're in one of the chosen professions, you're home free.

Lascauxcaveman April 18, 2012 at 3:22 pm

When I was there, they were begging for 'truckies.' I actually considered giving it a go.

BelleSC April 18, 2012 at 4:15 pm

The woman who cut my spouse's hair in Sydney was from Norway. Said she LOVED Australia and would never move back home.

Yes, the language is a little different but I suspect one gets used to it. "Bubble and Squeak" is basically hash browns. A "tall black" coffee is like Americans make. A "short black" is an espresso. You get the idea.

doloras April 18, 2012 at 7:49 pm

And "football" is either a form of rugby or aerial ping-pong.

BelleSC April 18, 2012 at 8:13 pm

The things they neglect to tell you on a tour. Alas….

Grief_Lessons April 18, 2012 at 1:35 pm

"Have you ever met an immigrant?"

Is "Benincasa" an old Apache name?

SaraJBenincasa April 18, 2012 at 3:08 pm

It is from the Navajo, meaning "talker of wind out her ass."

SorosBot April 18, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Well as someone who is highly educated and can't find a job, moving elsewhere where employers might actually be hiring would be tempting were it an option.

Indiepalin April 18, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I also enjoyed yesterday's top story, "Newt Gingrich Attacked by Penguin at Zoo." Turns out it was wife #2 dressed in a tuxedo.

widestanceromance April 18, 2012 at 1:41 pm

The return of 'Barry, Can You Hear Me?' is kinda think-y, and I don't find it as easy to meditate to.

Oh.

SaraJBenincasa April 18, 2012 at 3:08 pm

THIS IS NOT BARRY CAN YOU HEAR ME IT IS SOMETHING ELLLLLSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEE. Barry would be full of rage and filth and screaming.

widestanceromance April 18, 2012 at 3:20 pm

I want to cry now, even as my stance is widening with strange, yet familiar, feelings.

snoopyfan2010 April 18, 2012 at 1:42 pm

5. Sinking ship. Time to jump off.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Personally, I'd like an Azawadian bride that looks like a pretty Darth Maul

Guppy April 18, 2012 at 1:44 pm

0 for 2 on the alt text!

We're watching you!

SaraJBenincasa April 18, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Dammit, I forget how to Wonkette!

SkinnyNerd April 18, 2012 at 1:45 pm

You think non-immigrant kids are not over this place? Unfortunately, there is no way out, somebody built a wall on our southern border.

UnholyMoses April 18, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Listen, this nation has had issues since it's founding — blacks being 3/5th of white folks, only land-owning males got to vote, our treatment of Native Americans, segregation, and on and on and on.

And time and again, people were convinced America was at its lowest, ready to implode and slip into anarchy. and time and again, we found a way to fix the problems and move forward as a nation.

But now?

How the holy fuck do we move forward when an entire political party is trying to drag us back to the 1850s? When half of our Congress REFUSES to ask rich folks to pay the exact same marginal rate they did just 12 years ago? When our media gives anyone in power a microphone, but never ever calls out the bullshit said into said mic and, thus, fails to hold accountable those in power? When nearly half of our fellow citizens think Jesus rode a dinosaur because the Bible said so? When those some people ignore science because some washed-up rockstar told them to? When most just shrug when told we've tortured people the EXACT SAME WAY the Nazis did, or that drones will be flying over our nation with the legal right to kill you without any due process? When cops can tazer anyone or SWAT Team any home, for any reason, at any time, without question?

Face it, folks: We have become the very thing we've spent two centuries trying to destroy — a feudalistic society. We've just changed the title of "Lord" to "CEO" and put everyone in cube farms rather than cotton ones.

Just … fucking hell.

I'd leave, too, if any nation would take me. (Turns out that Denmark, the Netherlands, and Canada aren't in need of English majors [me] or those with Classical Antiquities and Art and Design degrees [The Mrs]. So, yeah — we're stucking fucked.)

Lascauxcaveman April 18, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Oh, now that is SO untrue! Some us still work on cotton farms.

comrad_darkness April 19, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Dude, I'm telling you. Things are looking up. We get closer and closer to a repeat of Spanish Flu, every year. A few more Republican asshat budget cuts (which will, of course, not be their fault later) and the CDC et al, will have a wholly insufficient response to it.

If you can teach, (and are still relatively young) New Zealand will take you.

UnholyMoses April 19, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Define "relatively young." (I'm 40.)

Teaching I could do — writing, specifically.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 1:46 pm

12. The South Asian Sari Benicassaba is funnier

SaraJBenincasa April 18, 2012 at 3:10 pm

No, she cunty.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 3:47 pm

She comes cheaper, tho.

mormos April 18, 2012 at 1:47 pm

WAIT! TAKE ME WITH YOU!
I'M GOOD AT CLEANING STUFF AND I ONLY STEAL A LITTLE BIT.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 1:47 pm

13. You can't get shot for walking down the street with a bag of Skittles and some ice tea while wearing your hijab

Well, actually you can but not FOR wearing the hijab

Negropolis April 19, 2012 at 12:44 am

Unless you're in France, of course.

coolhandnuke April 18, 2012 at 1:48 pm

It might have something to do with our Homeland Security.

owhatever April 18, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Good. Clear all them brainiac feakazoid boogers out and let 'em go cryin' home to their mommies that the big kids in America would not share the bacon and bacon sandwiches on the playground. Yuki now lives back home in Japan, but owns fifty fast-food franchises in the Cleveland area, and Samir produces porn movies in Bollywood starring his former classmates with cows.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Samir produces porn movies in Bollywood starring his former classmates with cows

STOP JUDGING ME!

I turned 50, a'ight? I had to do SOME work

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 1:50 pm

14. American muscle cars like Dukes of Hazzard and Knight Rider aren't anymore. Too, no one wears Daisy Dukes, at least not for minority boys. Except for other boys, and then only in certain parts of the city.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 1:55 pm

It's like Romney was already President and already firing people

Chichikovovich April 18, 2012 at 1:56 pm

This is a NYT trend piece, right? Drawing on many years reading such things, I conclude that the writer has a couple of friends from NYU who turned down mid-level Wall Street jobs to return to India and Singapore, where they will have jobs with the enormous family banking or political influence-peddling or slipper manufacturing or marriage arranging business. Also she knows someone at a university institute with a vaguely relevant-sounding name that more or less agrees with the suggestion that these two NYU friends are a sign of something, and will cough up a couple of distantly relevant percentages fit to print.

I'm not sure we can conclude much more than that.

vulpes82 April 18, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Pretty much, though they don't even actually bother with the percentages. The only number, really, is the Indian government saying something like 100,000.

Chichikovovich April 18, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Which means her contact at the Indian Consulate in NY knows someone from the government bureau that deals with national statistics. And he has a couple of pals from his days at the Indian Statistical Institute in Calcutta Kolkata who have a couple of grandkids who are moving back to India from the States.

Chet Kincaid April 18, 2012 at 4:37 pm

So what you're saying is the NYT is a glorified Ivy League Facebook page?

imissopus April 19, 2012 at 1:58 am

With more annoying status updates.

Chet Kincaid April 18, 2012 at 1:58 pm

I don't care what the goddamned passport says, I have always felt Canadian on the inside, since I was a little boy!

Biff April 18, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I am 25% actual Canuckistanian, and even they don't want me back.

vulpes82 April 18, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Did you know Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's father Ahmed is a African-Canadian from Nova Scotia?

Chet Kincaid April 18, 2012 at 2:12 pm

I did not! And I've actually been to Nova Scotia — Halifax. True to it's name, it was full of Scotsmen, March-cold in May, and only a time zone away from London.

vulpes82 April 18, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Apparently there was a whole colony of black people up there from Loyalist days or something. I wonder if they wore the kilts…

WiscDad April 18, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I for one would LOVE to be an expat in some (non-violent) foreign country, but while we can give them our factories and outsource jobs that NO ONE wants, like reading EKG's and X-rays, and practice unfair trade with them, AMERICANS CANNOT FUCKING WORK THERE. Why? You might ask. Because they don't want fat fucking stupid Americans breathing their fucking putrid air and having sexy time with their children and eating the GNP in one sitting…THAT'S why.

Chet Kincaid April 18, 2012 at 2:10 pm

I'm calling it: Sara Benincasa is the funniest Wonkette writer.

Chichikovovich April 18, 2012 at 2:22 pm

It won't help. Face it, Chet, she's not going to sleep with you. Even if you are Canadian.

Chet Kincaid April 18, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Oh, I know I've got no shot, she's into the Army Mens.

Chichikovovich April 18, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Ah – I came after the first Benincasa era, so I didn't know this vital piece of info.—

James Michael Curley April 18, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Do your Barack Obama doing Al Green doing Willie Mitchell and she'll cave in two bars.

ttommyunger April 18, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Way ahead of you, Sarah. Just a few of the reasons I keep my Passport valid. Mejico is my current plan, but only because language is so hard for me. Spanish I can deal with, Portuguese is out of reach, even though I would prefer Brazil.

LiveToServeYa April 18, 2012 at 2:16 pm

I don't blame them if they want to move back to someplace with a better Feng Shui.

WiscDad April 18, 2012 at 2:19 pm

I just had the Feng Shui the other night at local Japanese steakhouse…it was yummy

BZ1 April 18, 2012 at 2:20 pm

aren't we all immigrants of one sort or another, 'cept for the natives …

chascates April 18, 2012 at 2:26 pm

I've always wanted to live in Europe where most countries have gotten over the idea that it's their God-given right to tell other countries what to do. Also, it has little oil which makes it a safer place from American 'destiny'.

Limeylizzie April 18, 2012 at 2:41 pm

I am staying here, you can't make me leave, well unless Mittens becomes the President. BTW I am following these lunatics on Twitter who are called "Britons for Mittens" and I am currently at war with them.

DahBoner April 18, 2012 at 11:22 pm

4.People in other countries are considered better looking

Actually, we're in the top 3, along with Brazil and Thailand.

Why?

Ask any old hippy pot farmer or Dog breeder. Two words:

"Hybrid Vigor"
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heterosis

Negropolis April 19, 2012 at 12:33 am

This is especially true in the nation of Brazil

Three words: President Dilma Rousseff.

That is all.

comrad_darkness April 19, 2012 at 2:11 pm

This is good news for the world economy. Seriously.

CogitoErgoBibo April 18, 2012 at 2:17 pm

"That must be her sister. They always bring a relative on 'My First Home.' Has to be her sister."

Chet Kincaid April 18, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Or Corey Booker?

Sparky McGruff April 18, 2012 at 2:49 pm

I think it's the camera crew. Most people would let Charlie Manson or Zombie Hitler into their house if they had four guys with cameras and lights with them.

Designer_Rants April 19, 2012 at 1:59 am

I would actually like to invite Mr. Hassan and crew to my back (and front) yard. I've got projects. All the edging and window wells are bought, but I need some advice on perennials. Despite the 20trillion sites dedicated to planting shrubs, they might as well be written in sanskrit.

Limeylizzie April 18, 2012 at 2:58 pm
HistoriCat April 18, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Dear God – so much delusion in one spot.

Limeylizzie April 18, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I am beginning to get scared as the election seems to be very close.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Is the yard on fire????

snoopyfan2010 April 18, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Yep, like looking in a mirror.

Designer_Rants April 19, 2012 at 2:15 am

Only 200 more days.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 19, 2012 at 6:02 am

When you've got 200 sheep to shear before lunch, pretty hard. You can always try for the "Golden Shears" if you get really good at it.

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