Immigrant Kids Are So Over This Place

  everywhere around the world they're going from america

I remembered to put the alt text in for you nitpicky bastards!Have you ever met an immigrant? They are so interesting, these people, with their foreign customs (cherry blossom festivals, moon worship, human sacrifice) and rituals (throwing salt over one shoulder for good luck, dancing for good luck, beating their wives for good luck). Liberals greatly enjoy prattling on about how immigrants and their children add a lot to our culture, sometimes even by joining our military industrial complex and fighting on behalf of our oil companies, or perhaps simply by getting into better schools than their fat, slovenly American-born counterparts.

But! Once again, foolish liberals will have to eat their words, because haha, the anchor babies are leaving. So sayeth the New York Times:

In growing numbers, experts say, highly educated children of immigrants to the United States are uprooting themselves and moving to their ancestral countries. They are embracing homelands that their parents once spurned but that are now economic powers…For generations, the world’s less-developed countries have suffered so-called brain drain — the flight of many of their best and brightest to the West. That has not stopped, but now a reverse flow has begun, particularly to countries like China and India and, to a lesser extent, Brazil and Russia.

How can this be? Why should this be? Well, thanks to the impressive polling resources afforded me by your Wonkette, I have done an in-depth scientific study of the topic and come up with a few clear reasons why these kids are getting the fuck out of Dodge (Dodge = your nation, America.)

1. You ignored them in high school. Sure, Samir was a whiz at math and Yuki could always be counted on to deliver a longer-than-required book report, but were those adequate reasons for not inviting them to your carb-filled American birthday parties and, later, disgusting puke-inducing boozefests? Just because they were quieter and better-behaved than you and your gross buddies didn’t mean they didn’t want in on cake and kegstands.

 
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2. REAL [fill in the blank] food is so much better in its country of origin. Have you ever watched “No Reservations,” the documentary travel program hosted by the weirdly endearing, occasionally slightly sexy Anthony Bourdain? On this show, Anthony goes to various hellholes and consumes their fried muskrats and twice-baked poop pies, and he inevitably has a good time and really enjoys the food. These are delicacies you just can’t get unless a wizened old grandmother with gnarled hands and hard-won wisdom makes them in her backyard firepit down by the River Xeruchuxao.

3. Economic prosperity. Yes, jobs are annoying and you have to go every single day, but on the upside, they bring you money and sometimes even professional and personal satisfaction! Some countries are home to things called “growth industries” and “expanding markets,” which inevitably lead to “greater employment opportunities.” That would possibly be a reason to leave the land in which you dwell. In fact, it’s probably the reason your immigrant ancestors came here in the first place! That, and they heard there were no cats in America and the streets were paved with cheese.

4. People in other countries are better-looking. This is especially true in the nation of Brazil, where every single person is astonishingly attractive, but is also true in most other places that are not the United States. Why stick around here with all the uggos when you can go back home and marry your hottest cousin?

These are of course just a few reasons to move out of this fetid cesspool of a republic. I didn’t even get to the fact that no one is allowed to go to the doctor and also that money is cooler-looking in other countries. On the upside, now maybe there’ll be an open spot at Harvard for your dumb, ugly American child. [NYT]

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About the author

Sara Benincasa is an award-winning comedian, writer and radio talk show host. Her outspoken, sexually-charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, and has earned her an ECNY (Emerging Comedian of New York) Award and a Webby nomination. Her memoir, "Agorafabulous!: Dispatches From My Bedroom," (William Morrow/HarperCollins), was based on her critically acclaimed solo show about panic attacks and agoraphobia. She is currently working on a novel for young adults.

View all articles by Sara Benincasa

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157 comments

  1. memzilla

    5. Politicians suck less than in America.

    True, politicians in other-than America range from benign and effective to corrupt and murder-y, but at least these other countries don't have that special brand of Rethuglican asshattery.

    1. Ruhe

      Even if production has already started Mattel can easily re-market them as "Quiver-Full" Baby Barbies. With all the cool kids leaving, American Christians are going to have to get busy, and by that I mean "get bizzay!"

      1. MittsHairHelmet

        so i wouldn't have to stay here? I guess Massachusetts is sorta like a foreign country at this point anyway

  2. anniegetyerfun

    "In growing numbers, experts say, highly educated children of immigrants to the United States are uprooting themselves and moving to their ancestral countries."

    Fuck, I've been trying to do this for years, but Scotland won't take me back.

    1. Beowoof

      I keep looking at ways to get into Ireland, Germany or Israel, the source of my roots. When you're my age they usually don't want you back.

    2. sewollef

      No one wants to go back to Scotland…. I mean Emperor Hadrian built a friggin' wall to keep them in.

      Didn't work too well though if you got out…. come to think of it, one of my oldest friends escaped from Edinburgh back in the 80's. Damn those Romans.

  3. Blueb4sunrise

    ….suffered so-called brain drain — the flight of many of their best and brightest to the West. That has not stopped, but now a reverse flow has begun.

    It's all the skullfucking!!!

  4. Barb

    Man, I am going to be so pissed if this is true and I have to do my own manicures and pedicures.

  5. Callyson

    5. They took a good look at our 2012 presidential campaign, said "I can't suffer these fools for one more moment," and took off.

  6. Ruhe

    "…open spot at Harvard…" Wouldn't most American children require two spots? And will Harvard be able to charge double even though it's only one fat kid in that spot?

  7. coolhandnuke

    They've looked at the polls and the American Dream of a car elevator in every home and a posthumous baptism of Anne Frank is just pure fantasy to them.

  8. Beowoof

    Well if you want to work, China and India are where Wall Street sent all the jobs, might as well go there and at least be able to find work.

  9. Biel_ze_Bubba

    I'm highly educated too, and I might get the hell out of Dodge if the GOPtards succeed in turning the place into a wingnut ignoramus' paradise (a.k.a. a hellhole.)

    I hear they speak something close to English in Australia and New Zealand — I just hope they let me in.

    1. freakishlywrong

      The idiocracy commeth. I'm also considering those options of fleeing the revolution.

    2. Biff

      I tried that once. They said I was welcome to visit, but not to get too comfortable. My one-way airline ticket didn't impress them much, so they said perhaps I should just stay home.

    3. UnholyMoses

      TOO MUCH DEADLY ANIMAL!

      Seriously — New Zealand I might be able to deal with (**insert joke about sheep here**) but Australia?

      No way in hell I'd go there, given the number of poisonous spiders and snakes.

      Just … no. Nonodiddynononofuckingwayno.

      1. GunToting[Redacted]

        My favorite comment about Australia: "Of the top 10 most poisonous snakes in the world, Australia has nine of them; or more correctly, Of the top 9 most poisonous snakes in the world, Australia has ALL of them."

    4. BelleSC

      Australia has just entered into a multibillion $ agreement with Japan to sell natural gas. A pipeline is being built. The town of Darwin, Australia on the northeast coast is predicted to quadruple in size with demand for workers with skills doing the same. If I were young and single that would be the place I'd go. It's a lovely town despite having been demolished by a cyclone in the past. I would not let that stop me.

      1. doloras

        But Darwin's full of ignorant rednecks. It's like Australia's North Dakota with tropical heatwaves.

      2. Negropolis

        Darwin is a lovely town? Really? Isn't Darwin the least developed of all of Australia's capital cities?

  10. Goonemeritus

    Ungrateful little bastards we let them sneak into our colleges run up the marking curve and then assuming ICE doesn’t deport them before graduation they skulk back to Berserkastan. Time to build the wall people these guys make up about 80% of our graduating engineering classes.

      1. Goonemeritus

        As a barely American engineer myself I can’t say that I did. Yes engineers are justifiably famous for our magnetic personalities but most of us didn’t win any spelling bees.

        1. Designer_Rants

          Of course, every engineer I work with possesses a positively sparkling personality, plus that unknown quality; "glitz".
          sent from my cubicle of hypocrisy via don't talk to nor look at me

  11. CogitoErgoBibo

    Wait. We're now outsourcing workers to India, along with the jobs? I think my head just exploded a little.

  12. vulpes82

    "In growing numbers, experts say…"

    "“We’ve gone way beyond anecdotal evidence,” said Edward J. W. Park, director of the Asian Pacific American Studies Program at Loyola Marymount University in Los Angeles."

    Woah! Don't hit me with too many statistics and source-based facts, NYT trend piece! Might get in the way of making white upper-middle-class liberals worry that their kindergartener has no developing world hellhole with "creative energy" to run off to! Damn this accursed Nordic ancestry!

    It'd also be interesting to hear how the "homelands" take to the re-immigrants. Probably think they're a bunch of Yankee assholes, I'd bet.

  13. BlueStateLibel

    Way to go, Republicans! After 30 years of trickle-down, you've finally done the seemingly impossible – made this country so shitty that immigrants are going back to their home countries. Once we were a Melting Pot; now we are a dirty pot sitting on the stove encrusted with goo.

    1. CogitoErgoBibo

      If I see another "poor," dejected couple learning that their $1.5M just doesn't go as far in the south of France as it did on the coast of Greece, I'm going to hurl.

        1. CogitoErgoBibo

          Oh, mine too. I can't help but love the sick silliness of "Chopped." Definitely the only place you can see chefs McGyver-ing anchovies, strawberries, macaroni and pickles into an entree.

          1. Sparky McGruff

            I think it's the camera crew. Most people would let Charlie Manson or Zombie Hitler into their house if they had four guys with cameras and lights with them.

          2. Designer_Rants

            I would actually like to invite Mr. Hassan and crew to my back (and front) yard. I've got projects. All the edging and window wells are bought, but I need some advice on perennials. Despite the 20trillion sites dedicated to planting shrubs, they might as well be written in sanskrit.

          3. Chet Kincaid

            And speaking of cross-post pollination, wait until a Million Uptight Moms glom onto all the same-sex-couples that routinely show up on HGTV shows!

          4. CogitoErgoBibo

            "That must be her sister. They always bring a relative on 'My First Home.' Has to be her sister."

    2. actor212

      Hey, I like House Hunters International with all the rich white Southeners moving south because Nor'Carlina gets so collllllllllllllllllllld in the winter…sheeeeeet

      1. Chet Kincaid

        Lady Liberty is tired of being bent over and fucked from behind by every threat to Our Great Country, both foreign and domestic, in the last hundred years. At least this is what America's editorial cartoonists have been telling me.

  14. Mumbletypeg

    Funny — I'd always said I'd like to elope to<insert exotic locale> — and I'm now realizing I just can't picture anyone in residence outside the Americas, saying to their significant other: "Let's elope to the U.S.!"
    Whatever promise it held, even if gratification was deferred to the 3rd generation's firstborn after bequeathing enough long-saved earnings; or wish fulfilment came w/ its share of dysfunctional JoyLuck-style conflicted identity crises — coming here for opportunity is no longer 'up'pertunity. We're on a downhill slide and new documentation supporting it is no surprise. Unless we can spin something positive from or render a novelty of being the "Ugly American" I feel this time the moniker will be hard to shake if I attempt to travel abroad in coming years.

  15. lisawines

    You could do what I did and move to France to run away from Bush & Co. Since I couldn't speak French very well I didn't have to know that the politicians are dickwads here too. But at least you can say 'socialist' without hissing and an unmarried socialist she-male with two out-of-wedlock chillin' ran for president in 2007 and almost won. Hey, nobody said a thing about her slutty infidel-ity. They just voted for the short mo'fo' with a Napoleon complex.

      1. lisawines

        As long as fapping is kept to a minimum, I would say everybody! Of course, my apartment is the size of your bathroom so we'd have to have some sort of (fapping) schedule.

        1. Blueb4sunrise

          Not sure what a minimum amount would be. Need a Wonkette Survey.

          and I don't have a bathroom anyway, I'm in Az. [where I see you once resided],
          we just go outside now……

          1. lisawines

            Yep, I'm a Philly-then-AZ girl. And if you come to Paris then you can see that when this apartment building was first built, there was one communal toilet down in the courtyard. The pull-string tank is still there, all rusted out. We use the old toilet room to store the trash cans now, but if you're inclined to using the great outdoors then you're most welcome to go downstairs and pee in the courtyard. This would infuriate our 'femme de menage' which would be great payback to the incredible noise she makes at 6am crash-banging the trash cans in and out of the courtyard.

    1. Designer_Rants

      I heard …Tom Brokaw? (or the other one…) on NPR yesterday talking about how you had a guy dressed in a bumble bee costume running for president? That sounds better than Palinzzzzzzzz.

      1. lisawines

        Haha! I hadn't heard about the bee costume and I would assume it would be Eva Joly because she's The Greens candidate and they're unhappy about how pesticide is killing off the whole world's bee population. But if it was a guy then I think it could be the guy from the Anticapitalist party who is hilarious and sometimes forgets he's even running, since he knows he hasn't got a chance. His name's Philippe Poutou and there are lots of jokes about him because poutou is slang for the little kisses you give to children. :-)

  16. DerrickWildcat

    Some years back, I was able to visit the strange land of my ancestors. It was really neat to observe their dances, dress, customs and to smell the exotic aroma of the food and drink like Spätzle, Wurst, Pom Fritzs, Kuchen, Nutella, Bier, Jägermeister and Schnapps. I really learned a lot about myself too.

  17. sewollef

    "I hear they speak something close to English in Australia and New Zealand — I just hope they let me in."

    It's barely close to English, not really like what we speak in jolly old blighty. And apparently, Aussland needs hairdressers and sheep shearers.

    So if you're in one of the chosen professions, you're home free.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      When I was there, they were begging for 'truckies.' I actually considered giving it a go.

    2. BelleSC

      The woman who cut my spouse's hair in Sydney was from Norway. Said she LOVED Australia and would never move back home.

      Yes, the language is a little different but I suspect one gets used to it. "Bubble and Squeak" is basically hash browns. A "tall black" coffee is like Americans make. A "short black" is an espresso. You get the idea.

  18. SorosBot

    Well as someone who is highly educated and can't find a job, moving elsewhere where employers might actually be hiring would be tempting were it an option.

  19. Indiepalin

    I also enjoyed yesterday's top story, "Newt Gingrich Attacked by Penguin at Zoo." Turns out it was wife #2 dressed in a tuxedo.

  20. widestanceromance

    The return of 'Barry, Can You Hear Me?' is kinda think-y, and I don't find it as easy to meditate to.

    Oh.

    1. SaraJBenincasa

      THIS IS NOT BARRY CAN YOU HEAR ME IT IS SOMETHING ELLLLLSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEE. Barry would be full of rage and filth and screaming.

      1. widestanceromance

        I want to cry now, even as my stance is widening with strange, yet familiar, feelings.

  21. SkinnyNerd

    You think non-immigrant kids are not over this place? Unfortunately, there is no way out, somebody built a wall on our southern border.

  22. UnholyMoses

    Listen, this nation has had issues since it's founding — blacks being 3/5th of white folks, only land-owning males got to vote, our treatment of Native Americans, segregation, and on and on and on.

    And time and again, people were convinced America was at its lowest, ready to implode and slip into anarchy. and time and again, we found a way to fix the problems and move forward as a nation.

    But now?

    How the holy fuck do we move forward when an entire political party is trying to drag us back to the 1850s? When half of our Congress REFUSES to ask rich folks to pay the exact same marginal rate they did just 12 years ago? When our media gives anyone in power a microphone, but never ever calls out the bullshit said into said mic and, thus, fails to hold accountable those in power? When nearly half of our fellow citizens think Jesus rode a dinosaur because the Bible said so? When those some people ignore science because some washed-up rockstar told them to? When most just shrug when told we've tortured people the EXACT SAME WAY the Nazis did, or that drones will be flying over our nation with the legal right to kill you without any due process? When cops can tazer anyone or SWAT Team any home, for any reason, at any time, without question?

    Face it, folks: We have become the very thing we've spent two centuries trying to destroy — a feudalistic society. We've just changed the title of "Lord" to "CEO" and put everyone in cube farms rather than cotton ones.

    Just … fucking hell.

    I'd leave, too, if any nation would take me. (Turns out that Denmark, the Netherlands, and Canada aren't in need of English majors [me] or those with Classical Antiquities and Art and Design degrees [The Mrs]. So, yeah — we're stucking fucked.)

    1. comrad_darkness

      Dude, I'm telling you. Things are looking up. We get closer and closer to a repeat of Spanish Flu, every year. A few more Republican asshat budget cuts (which will, of course, not be their fault later) and the CDC et al, will have a wholly insufficient response to it.

      If you can teach, (and are still relatively young) New Zealand will take you.

  23. actor212

    13. You can't get shot for walking down the street with a bag of Skittles and some ice tea while wearing your hijab

    Well, actually you can but not FOR wearing the hijab

  24. owhatever

    Good. Clear all them brainiac feakazoid boogers out and let 'em go cryin' home to their mommies that the big kids in America would not share the bacon and bacon sandwiches on the playground. Yuki now lives back home in Japan, but owns fifty fast-food franchises in the Cleveland area, and Samir produces porn movies in Bollywood starring his former classmates with cows.

    1. actor212

      Samir produces porn movies in Bollywood starring his former classmates with cows

      STOP JUDGING ME!

      I turned 50, a'ight? I had to do SOME work

  25. actor212

    14. American muscle cars like Dukes of Hazzard and Knight Rider aren't anymore. Too, no one wears Daisy Dukes, at least not for minority boys. Except for other boys, and then only in certain parts of the city.

  26. Chichikovovich

    This is a NYT trend piece, right? Drawing on many years reading such things, I conclude that the writer has a couple of friends from NYU who turned down mid-level Wall Street jobs to return to India and Singapore, where they will have jobs with the enormous family banking or political influence-peddling or slipper manufacturing or marriage arranging business. Also she knows someone at a university institute with a vaguely relevant-sounding name that more or less agrees with the suggestion that these two NYU friends are a sign of something, and will cough up a couple of distantly relevant percentages fit to print.

    I'm not sure we can conclude much more than that.

    1. vulpes82

      Pretty much, though they don't even actually bother with the percentages. The only number, really, is the Indian government saying something like 100,000.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Which means her contact at the Indian Consulate in NY knows someone from the government bureau that deals with national statistics. And he has a couple of pals from his days at the Indian Statistical Institute in Calcutta Kolkata who have a couple of grandkids who are moving back to India from the States.

    1. vulpes82

      Did you know Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's father Ahmed is a African-Canadian from Nova Scotia?

      1. Chet Kincaid

        I did not! And I've actually been to Nova Scotia — Halifax. True to it's name, it was full of Scotsmen, March-cold in May, and only a time zone away from London.

        1. vulpes82

          Apparently there was a whole colony of black people up there from Loyalist days or something. I wonder if they wore the kilts…

  27. WiscDad

    I for one would LOVE to be an expat in some (non-violent) foreign country, but while we can give them our factories and outsource jobs that NO ONE wants, like reading EKG's and X-rays, and practice unfair trade with them, AMERICANS CANNOT FUCKING WORK THERE. Why? You might ask. Because they don't want fat fucking stupid Americans breathing their fucking putrid air and having sexy time with their children and eating the GNP in one sitting…THAT'S why.

    1. Chichikovovich

      It won't help. Face it, Chet, she's not going to sleep with you. Even if you are Canadian.

        1. Chichikovovich

          Ah – I came after the first Benincasa era, so I didn't know this vital piece of info.—

        2. James Michael Curley

          Do your Barack Obama doing Al Green doing Willie Mitchell and she'll cave in two bars.

  28. ttommyunger

    Way ahead of you, Sarah. Just a few of the reasons I keep my Passport valid. Mejico is my current plan, but only because language is so hard for me. Spanish I can deal with, Portuguese is out of reach, even though I would prefer Brazil.

  29. chascates

    I've always wanted to live in Europe where most countries have gotten over the idea that it's their God-given right to tell other countries what to do. Also, it has little oil which makes it a safer place from American 'destiny'.

  30. Limeylizzie

    I am staying here, you can't make me leave, well unless Mittens becomes the President. BTW I am following these lunatics on Twitter who are called "Britons for Mittens" and I am currently at war with them.

  31. Negropolis

    This is especially true in the nation of Brazil

    Three words: President Dilma Rousseff.

    That is all.

Comments are closed.