good heavens

The Secret Service Would Like A Quiet Moment With Ted Nugent

Maybe I'll go to jail right nowCelebrated guitar-plucking analberry Ted Nugent caused quite the stir with this delightfully braindead comment the other day: “If Barack Obama becomes the president in November, again, I will be either be dead or in jail by this time next year.” Heh indeedy, what? Perhaps that was an “assassination joke,” or he was just chugging lighter fluid and saying nonsense, or both. What do you think, Secret Service?

A spokesman for the Secret Service, the famous Colombia sex ring, tells Daily Intel, “We are aware of it, and we’ll conduct an appropriate follow up.” Ted Nugent is getting laid/eaten! Oh, God.

The Democratic party, meanwhile, is busy ruining this.

[Daily Intel]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  1. nounverb911

    “If Barack Obama becomes the president in November, again, I will be either be dead or in jail by this time next year.”
    Glad to see your wish about jail come true.

        1. RedneckMuslin

          I speak for the many animals he has killed. Except for the raccoons. I hate racoons.

    1. valthemus

      It's so mean of those people to be wishing you dead, Ted! Personally, I find either of the options you've laid out to be perfectly acceptable.

  2. Tundra Grifter

    Perhaps the Secret Service just wants to introduce him to a couple of young ladies down in Colombia.

  3. Baconzgood

    Sweaty Teddy's music is just as shitty as his politics.

    (This comment is 100% snark free)

  4. MissTaken

    Maybe after their funtimes last week the Secret Service is just looking for the cure for their recently acquired Cat Scratch Fever.

  5. slithytoves

    I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year.

    Talk about setting yourself up for a fall.

  6. noodlesalad

    First amendment! Cat Scratch Fever! Blargh blargh blargh Jesus Freeranging Christ just fucking lock all these people up forever please.

  7. Oblios_Cap

    Thank god that all of the musicians from the olden days didn't get the brain worms like Ted did.

    It's either brain worms, or syphillis.

    1. spareme

      ALL of 'em, not to mention all the booze and shit he did in high school – he was bounced from a couple of them, including mine. I've known better jerks.

  8. FNMA

    OK, the Secret Service and the guy who wrote "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang" together in the same room?
    Shit writes itself…

    1. bagofmice

      No kidding! I went through 3 cat scratch fever jokes to get to the secret service wang dang poontang joke.

  9. Schmannnity

    This constant "Demand that [candidate] denounce what some dipshit said" is a lame tactic that I will not miss.

  10. SmutBoffin

    The physically appropriate answer is that, since no one gives enough of a shit about Ted to actually check up on him, he will be both dead and in jail.

    Schrödinger's cat scratch fever… bwahbwahBWAHHHHHH

  11. docterry6973

    The Secret Service could learn a lot about anonymous hootchie from a rock star, even a washed-up one.

  12. bumfug

    And I had such high hopes for him back when I bought that Amboy Dukes album…who knew that playing badass guitar didn't mean you weren't an asshole?

    1. FNMA

      Dumbfuck has said that he didn't know that "Journey To The Center Of Your Mind" was about drugs.

      1. bumfug

        Actually, I did. The difference is that Clapton is a drunk and a drunk can sober up – Nugent is a fucking idiot and there's no cure for that.

        1. Pithaughn

          True. I think what Clapton did, though, screwing his close friends wife is the epitomy of ass holery.

          1. therealcie

            There's a lot more to that story than most people think. George Harrison wasn't completely innocent. He was cheating on Patti Boyd too, including with Ringo Starr's first wife. The whole situation was pretty scandalous.

  13. noodlesalad

    Using the new media rules of Hilary Rosen, I demand Mitt Romney retract this statement immediately.

  14. SayItWithWookies

    Oh good — I was afraid ol' Teddy was gonna have to blow someone before anyone paid attention to him.

  15. Callyson

    If Ted Nugent becomes relevant in November, again, I will be either be dead or in an asylum by this time next year.

    Also, spell check wants to change "Nugent" into "Gent." Good luck with that plan, spell check…

  16. DaRooster

    I truly hope that "appropriate follow up" means "rifle butt to the mouth"… leading to jaw wired shut.

    1. JustPixelz

      Howzabout water boarding? Who was it that said it's perfectly legal and not torture? OH YEAH! It was every Republican talking head. So it should be OK. But do NOT make him listen to his own music. That would be torture.

  17. gullywompr

    Ted Nugent is giving Republican rockers a bad name. Why can't he be more like Skunk Baxter?

      1. gullywompr

        Counter-terrorism consultant. Right-wing, but with a brain, and conceivably doing the country some good, unlike Mr. Nugent.

  18. weejee

    Terrible Ted has had some guitar chops. Can I say Ted should get some chops in an XXL Popiel™ Veg-O-Matic™, or would the Grand Kleagle of the Rethuglican Party say "we’ll conduct an appropriate follow up"?

  19. Tommmcattt

    I would start the conversation with, oh, let's say "whores". It's always best to start on common ground, and looking at Nugent I'm sure he has some tips to share on the subject.

  20. proudgrampa

    Oh, Pu-Leeeze, Pu-Leeze, Pu-Leeeeeze! Put that fucker's ass in jail NOW!

    Totally Snark Free.

  21. flamingpdog

    Didn't we do this just yesterday? How much fresh Nugent snark can there be? How much stale Nugent snark can there be?

    OK, you know who else will be dead or in jail this time next year?

    1. Baconzgood

      Billy Graham?

      (I've had that mother fucker in my dead pool for 10 years now. He just wont keel over.)

    2. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Not Henry Kissinger
      Not Donald Rumsfeld
      Not Dick Cheney
      Not John Yoo…

      [edit–I had had "Woo"…who?]

      1. nonbeliever7

        Thanks, now I'm even more useless at work imagining the women's prison movie with Pippa.

    3. Limeylizzie

      Dick 'Dick" Cheney, please, please, jail then death would be excellent. Oh and with some buggery, him bossy bottom, would be sweet.

    4. Man0nTheStreet

      Jail: Former MA Gov. Willard "MittBott" Romney, imprisoned following a "loooong-delayed" meltdown during his November 2012 Election-night Concession Speech when he savagely assaulted his running-mate, fmr House Speaker Newt Gingrich on live tv while both were on the podium.

      At his trial, Mr. Romney pleaded "No Contest", then turned and publicly asked his wife Anne for a divorce, then finally announced to the court and assembled media "Today is the happiest day of my whole fuckin' LIFE!"

  22. Doktor StrangeZoom

    See, he didn't mean that he'd be dead or in jail because he'd be forced to go do violence or anything, just that Obama is going to start jailing and killing all Patriots who Love America. So don't go accusing Nugent of extremist claims.

  23. HempDogbane

    I don't think there's such a thing as "a quiet moment with Ted Nugent." Unless there's duct tape or an undertaker involved.

  24. CogitoErgoBibo

    Unless Barry wanders onto Ted's land in a deer costume, or attends an NRA rally, I'm thinking he's safe. Both are equally unlikely to occur and are the only places you see Nugent these days, anyway.

  25. Native_of_SL_UT

    I seem to remember that there was some lady last week that said something about Ann Romney who suddenly became a spokesperson for the entire left wing.
    I'm seeing some potential here: "Ted Nugent, Republican Party Strategist"

  26. Mojopo

    CNN just describe Ted as a "conservative firebrand" in their blurb about his comments. Funny, where I come from we usually describe people like that as "off their meds" "anti-social" and "frigging psychos".

  27. Antispandex

    Ah, Ted Nugent. Wasn't he famous once? It just shows that there really IS an advantage to living fast, and dying young. You are far less likely to embarrass yourself. Besides, you don't have to mix your Boodles with your Ensure.

    1. Rotundo_

      And just think of him in his twilight years in piss soaked depends playing "Stranglehold" while riding a scooter with a lift kit…

    2. Generation[redacted]

      To be fair, plenty of rock stars get old without humiliating themselves. Look at Ringo Starr. He's one hip old dude (and before you mention his role in Caveman, let me remind you he was still young in those days).

  28. rickmaci

    They might have tried to use a logo that looked less like a freakin target with a BULLSEYE!!

    1. CogitoErgoBibo

      Hard to say whether he needs to up his game, or lower it, to become VP. Nugent spends just as much time around guns as Cheney, but has somehow managed not to shoot anyone in the face.

  29. GortRay

    Teddy boy got lost along the trail and ended up taking a journey to the center of his asshole. What a freakin' choad.

  30. OneYieldRegular

    If Ted goes to jail, there will have to be a major change in programming for the musical talent performing at the RNC in Tampa this summer. Who will Kid Rock and Toby Keith open for now? Prussian Blue?

  31. chascates

    Since he was purposefully failed his draft physical during Nam he should be given the chance to redeem his honor and serve the country he so loves by being sent to Afghanistan. He can take all of his guns and guitars with him.

  32. DonnyKerabotsos

    Multiple choice–

    When the Secret Service shows up at his door, will Ted:

    a ) piss himself?
    b ) shit himself?
    c ) shoot himself?
    d ) shoot them?
    e ) meekly answer their questions, claim he was misunderstood, issue an non-apology and promise to be a good washed up rock star from now on?

  33. ElPinche

    It's a good thing he's just a clown and coward who takes out his frustration by shooting deer and white tail rabbits. We wouldn't want to see him actually stand his ground against the SS and a plethora of MP5s.

  34. smitallica

    When the Secret Service apprehends him, PLEASE let them put him in a stranglehold, baby.

  35. owhatever

    Hey, dudes, you know who I just investigated? Fuckin' Ted Nugent is all. Pass the bottle and get that hooker over here. Me & Ted are goin' down to Colombia and shoot some shit.

  36. Maman

    The Secret Service says it will follow up, but did it really? Why is it acceptable to make these kinds comments about this President?

  37. DahBoner

    Take away the lies, bearing false witness against your Blah neighbors and the Hatespeech—then Conservative radio would only consist of silence…

  38. Allmighty_Manos

    The U.S. Secret Service is kind of like social media monitoring software. They don't get irony, satire or humor. All they see is "president" "jail" "kill" and "guns" and you're pretty much f*****

  39. Generation[redacted]

    "Dead or in jail."

    Yeah, him and the other dozen or so members of the New Confederacy.

  40. yrbmegr

    Let us invoke the hallowed memory of HRH George W. Bush and Richard W. Cheney, and their teachings regarding the efficacy of enhanced interrogation and rendition. Lord Bush, give us the serenity to hammer our enemies with the power of the state, the courage to enrich our friends with tax money, and the wisdom to know the difference.

  41. ottercliff

    I'll bet that he, Willard, and Ann have some riotous times together out on the campaign trail.

  42. Schmegeg

    What's the Intrade line? I would say "Dead" rather than "Jail" but maybe that is wishful thinking.

  43. glamourdammerung

    It would be funny if the Secret Service commented afterwards that it is fine because they realized Nugent was too cowardly to actually do anything beyond submissive urination and was simply running their mouth again.

    1. Angry_Marmot

      Cousins of mine lived near him in Irons, Michigan– he was an asshat with daddy issues then, and no clue how to carry himself as a man.

      1. lochnessmonster

        He and his dad did not get along from what I remember. Marion, “Mom Nugent”,was a “celebrity” here and has a statue in Palatine, IL. She was a BIG part of my wedding b/c my family is screwed up and she stepped right in and made it wonderful for me. A great and loving woman.JanWhat other people think of youIs none of your business.

  44. phlox✔

    I was a bartender at an NRA bigwig event in St Louis over the weekend. Both Ted and Glenn Beck were rumored to show up for free drinks and cigars, but, alas, I think (MAYBE!) the high-end rent boys we have in this town were a higher priority.

    Got to admit that they were a polite and generous group of citizens. But maybe that's because I controlled their booze or lack thereof.

  45. BarackMyWorld

    The Democratic party, meanwhile, is busy ruining this.

    Seriously. Either we're going to have to just assume not everybody agrees with everybody else on their side of the aisle, or every candidate and elected official is going to need to issue a "Daily Denounce List" just to keep up.

    1. C_R_Eature

      Jesus Christ, if we all agreed with each other all the time we'd be Republicans.

      And that would suck.

  46. meatpuppet2

    Typical NRA fanboy. A draft dodging coward. They think they can buy courage by carrying a gun.

  47. C_R_Eature


    A stupid man, a Dick of a human and a godawful musician. I've had it with having to see his Dim, feral face in the news and listen to his vile, ill informed and paranoid rants. He should have had the courtesy to have shut up, dried up and blown away years ago like all good has-beens.

    As long as he's got the gall to shove himself into the public sphere and rabble rouse with violent commentary on things he knows absolutely nothing about, I feel justified in humiliating him.

    Here's a group of Genuine Musicians, displaying Firepower that you never even came close to on the best day you ever had, Nugent.

    Just go the fuck home. Draft Dodging Jackass.

  48. Butch_Wagstaff

    Agent: What do you currently do for a living, Mr. Nugent?
    Nugent: I shoot guns & stuff.

    I hope they ask him the most important question, though: "Mr. Nugent, what the fuck is that on your chin?"

  49. rickmaci

    The money behind this nazi is the same money behind ALEC, Limbaugh, etc. Time to get out the sponsor lists and put pressure on the corporate sources of the dough that helps herr Numbnutz have a stage for his hate.

  50. thefrontpage


    Hicktown, USA—Nugent Records, the company that releases so-called albums by certified madman Ted Nugent, is pleased to announce that Ted Nugent's new album, "God, Guns and Abortion," is scheduled to be released nationwide on Tuesday, April 24. "God, Guns and Abortion" is being released by Nugent Records, and is co-produced by the National Rifle Association, the Republican Party, Victoria Jackson Productions, Patricia Heaton Entertainment, The Rush Limbaugh Radio Network and The Family Planning Council.

    Here are the 12 songs on the new album: "God, Guns and Abortion," "God Bless Rednecks," "I Am A Moron," "I'm In Love With Victoria Jackson," "Crossbow Cupid," "Wang Dang Psycho Man," "Death By Stupidity," "I Am An Idiot," "Journey to the Center of an Insane Mind," "Rock Stars Who Lost Their Minds," "Conservative Scratch Fever," and "Psycho Madness."

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