very important endorsements

Sad Johnny Boehner’s A Mitt Man

PLAY IT AGAIN, DAMNITAnd there was John Boehner, all alone at the Capitol Hill Club at 8 a.m., loadin’ up at the bar for another day of his miserable life. “Who’s president… I should be… the pressydent,” he slurred, nine empty bottles of Sutter Home merlot on his either side. “Hey who’re you asshole,” he says to the imaginary 10-year-old drinking buddy by his side. “I take you OUT little boy,” he mutters, “I coulda… put up your dukes… have a drink… we’re FIGHTIN huh.” Oh, dear, a scene. “Sir,” the boy, who is actually his 45-year-old chief aide, says, “sir we have to go endorse Mitt Romney today.” “Yeah SCREW YOU, sure,” and they head off to the press conference.

Isn’t this a bit premature for the Speaker? Newt’s still in it to win it, and/or get bit by penguins, after all. Where’s the speaker-to-speaker love (gross)?

House Speaker John Boehner endorsed Mitt Romney for president Tuesday, saying the presumptive GOP nominee has a set of economic policies that can “put Americans back to work.”

Speaking to reporters on Tuesday, Mr. Boehner said it was clear that the former Massachusetts governor was going to be the party’s standard bearer and that he would “be proud to support Mitt Romney and do everything I can to help him win.”

Aaaaaaaaand back to the bar. Don’t sneak up on him, unless you want to get bit.


About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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    1. Barb

      ♫ ♬ ♭
      Here ya go. Just copy and paste these somewhere and pull them out when you want them.

    1. Terry

      Boehner more likely enjoys one of the many fine wines fortified with sugar. Boone's Farm springs to mind.

    2. DetectiveGrey

      Knowing next to nothing about wine, I assume drinking Sutter Home Pink Moscato is an idea completely lacking in class, then?

  1. Barb

    John is trying to keep his job as Speaker of the House, unless out of habit, he blocks his own nomination.

  2. Callyson

    Meanwhile, the poll on the right hand side of the story asked how I feel about the job Barack Obama is doing as president. I've disagreed about some things (dammit, Mr President, give up on this post partisan crap, it's not going to happen, stand up against the Reeps) but one look at Boneheader and I quickly clicked "strongly approve."

    Oh, and shut up, Orangeman.

    1. sullivanst

      Orangemen really are douchebags. Wonder what IRA fanboy Pete King thinks taking orders from one. No, wait, I don't give a flying fuck what that walking excrement thinks, especially as come November I won't be in his district any more YAY!!!!

  3. nounverb911

    “put Americans back to work.”
    The only American Boner wants to put back to work is himself.

  4. fartknocker

    Senator Orange Muffinman mentioned the word "work" in the sentence. I guess the American worker is kinda-sorta on his radar screen. For the past months the only I thing I've heard from the GOP is vaginas, Planned Parenthood, tax cuts, fuck unions, and let's go have some more wars.

    I hope you put lots of mustard on that shit sandwich you and your fellow GOPers are about to eat when you nominate Mittens.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      The only possible excuse? That photo was taken on St. Patrick's Day.

      Or, of course, the day after.

      1. Steverino247

        That or he visited a certain house in Georgetown before going to work that day…

        3600 Prospect Street, Georgetown, Washington, District of Columbia, to be exact. The MacNeil residence.

  5. Ducksworthy

    Lissen up Amurrikans! You're all going back to work! Abeit Macht Frie! Get those poor children and old people into the Utah salt mines now! They won't need no Medicaid and Socialist Security and Medicare there!

  6. memzilla

    An endorsement for Rmoney, from Boehner, should have all the gravitas and import that an endorsement from Caligula would have. Only… one less horse.

    1. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      Weird. I clearly read your "Caligula", but I spotted it with "Catherine The Great" for some inane reason. Brother, the shit I envisioned after that made me a bit sick.

  7. freakishlywrong

    The current occupant has a set of policies that would“put Americans back to work.”; your fucking party filibusterered them.

  8. iburl

    “put Americans back to work.”

    If by that you mean putting tons of giant bonuses and tax breaks into the pockets of the filthy rich while continuing to hammer the poor, then yes, "back to work".

    1. Tundra Grifter

      I just read that some states have lured corporations to relocate by allowing them to deduct state income tax from employees' paychecks – and then simply keep the money.

      Is this a great country or what?

      1. MissTaken

        ♫ It's the Great Space Coaster.
        Get on board.
        On the Great Space Coaster.
        We'll explore.♫

  9. HippieEsq

    The Speaker would rather use Mitt's face for an ashtray than make this endorsement.

    (Yet he can't broker a deal over tax reform over a pack of Camel LIghts with Obama)

  10. SayItWithWookies

    Excellent — I haven't seen John Boehner do anything besides stop things dead in their tracks, so this should be an interesting experiment. Maybe we can bring back Dubya's Social Security privatization plan too, just to throw some more dead weight on this camel.

  11. CogitoErgoBibo

    He's putting America back to work? Mitt does realize that there are a finite number of people who can actually get jobs taking care of his horses, right?

    Poor orange man. I'm sure he'll have a nice cry later, too. Well, again, really.

  12. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    It is time, fellow liberals, to start a conversation. I believe our Christian nation will be in jeopardy when we elect this Moormon to the highest office in the land. We must act now to remind our fellow voters that Romney is not a Christian — and therefore is unsuitable for the highest office in our God-graced republic.

    So come on, Jesus fans. It's time to stir the Satan-shit-pot and remind our friends and neighbors just how devastating a Romney presidency will be to our faith, our family, and our values.

    God done said "No other Gods before me." Will you DARE to mock him by electing this high priest of the desert to the Oval Office? Or will you march with me, born again Christian Soldiers for Jesus, and stop this insanity right now? James 4:7 says RESIST THE DEVIL!!!


  13. Biff

    I for one refuse to click through to a WSJ article just to find out what this post is even about.

        1. proudgrampa

          Good to hear. You've been in my thoughts.

          Remember, don't take any crap. From anybody.

  14. SorosBot

    "the presumptive GOP nominee has a set of economic policies that can “put Americans back to work.”"

    No, his plan to fire a bunch of federal government workers in fact does the exact opposite.

  15. proudgrampa

    What is fucking scary to me is, he is 3rd in line to succeed the Presidency.

    Jesus Fucking Christ, we are doomed.

  16. EtchySketchy

    No one can stop the Mittens and Boehner juggernaut: Car elevators with built in tanning salons for everyone!

    1. proudgrampa

      And a chicken in every pot!

      On the other hand, that would be too common. So probably not.

  17. DemonicRage

    So many people look up to this Leader. They will vote for anyone he endorses. (This, in an alternate universe, not our own.)

  18. el_donaldo

    Alex, I'll take "Things that Might Bite Newt Gingrich" for $500.

    Already up on the board we have Penguins, Callista, Student Reporters, and John Boehner.

    I'll go with "What's an overdraft fee?"

  19. Q_R_DeNameland

    Nice to see the "Penguins Ripped Newt's Flesh" story appear here. The nice lady on the local NPR affiliate here in St Louis described it thus: "A penguin took a disliking to GOP presidential candidate Newt Gingrich today." …because NPR and penguins are both socialist, of course. Or maybe it's just that penguins have good taste.

    1. proudgrampa

      And they sit at the bar,
      And put bread in my jar,
      Sayin' man, what are you doin' here???

  20. clblabin

    I look at the world and I notice it's burning,
    While my Speaker gently weeps.
    With every tax break the rich bastards are “earning,”
    Still my Speaker gently weeps.

  21. lochnessmonster

    You know Boehner does not believe a word…he was told to jump this high…campaign contributions???

  22. BarackMyWorld

    House Speaker John Boehner endorsed Mitt Romney for president Tuesday, saying the presumptive GOP nominee has a set of economic policies that can “put Americans back to work.”

    Cut regulations and taxes for the rich, rinse, lather, repeat…

  23. Come here a minute

    Speaker Gingrich: Tweet.

    Speaker Boehner: Woof.

    Speaker Gingrich: Tweet.

    Speaker Boehner: Woof.

    Speaker Gingrich: Tweet.


  24. Negropolis

    House Speaker John Boehner endorsed Mitt Romney for president Tuesday, saying the presumptive GOP nominee has a set of economic policies that can “put Americans back to work.”

    Yes, "put Americans back to work" in the work houses and spice mines.

    You know who else put people to work? Hengh?

  25. scorpy1

    Obama looking attentive at the same time Boehner looks dopey…pretty much sums up their respective styles.

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