hard feelings

Former GOP Presidential Candidates Still Struggling Through Kubler-Ross Stages Of Grief

Needz moar smegmaMan you guys, all the former GOP presidential candidates, like Herb Cain and Newt Gingrich and Ol’ Smegma Lips over there, are having such a hard time dealing with the cold FACT that they are losers, who lost, because people like them even less than they like Mitt Romney! Herb Cain is trying to keep himself relevant by throwing protests to which nobody comes (Bargaining); Rick Santorum still will not endorse that bastard Messican Lord Sir Hairgel His Willardness (Anger); and Newt Gingrich thinks he is still actually in the race (De Nile). We have forgotten about Steve Perry and Miranda Beckham, because who are they again? (Also, Ron Paul continues to not actually exist.)

Would you guess that spitty, sneery, smegmified loser Rick Santorum was going to hold a conference call with supporters and be a dick? YOU WOULD! Then you, unlike Rick Santorum, are a winner who wins things. YAY YOU!

Former presidential candidate Rick Santorum on Monday sounded no closer to endorsing Mitt Romney than when he dropped out of the presidential race last week, telling supporters on a conference call that he hasn’t even had a chance to speak to his onetime rival.

Santorum said he has talked with former House Speaker Newt Gingrich. “I haven’t had a chance yet to talk to Governor Romney, but we’ll be talking to both of them and we’re going to go out and do what we believe is in the best interest of our country,” Santorum said in the call, which had at least 4,000 participants at its peak, according to host and Santorum aide Mark Rodgers.

To crystallize the point that he isn’t going to make an endorsement in the immediate future, Santorum told his supporters that it was entirely up to them who to vote for in next week’s Pennsylvania primary. “I haven’t supported any candidate at this point,” he said.

Jesus, what did Mitt Romney ever do to this fucker, bone his wife? (No, he didn’t, because his penis is not stiff.) Anyway, Rick Santorum lost and will continue to lose forever and ever amen. [CBS]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • nounverb911

    Wasn't Santorum behind the vicious penguin assault on Newt?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      BURGESS MEREDITH LIBEL!

      • SorosBot

        What, are we forgetting Danny DeVito here?

        • prommie

          For some of us, there will only be one Penguin.

          • proudgrampa

            True dat.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            MARIO LEMIEUX LIBEL!

            Oh wait…

          • SorosBot

            Yes, Danny DeVito. Does anyone care about the cheesy old show that was always shown in reruns on UHF weekday afternoons back in the day?

          • thebeatgoeson

            I do. Biff! Pow! Bonk! Splat! Santorum! (Hey – who got santorum in my batman rerun reverie?!)

          • prommie

            Fear not, old chum.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Ha Ha–no more Secret Service hooker parties for you guys!

  • nounverb911

    Has Miche1e gone back to work yet?

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    "man shall not endorse with man as with woman."

  • Blueb4sunrise

    ….we’re going to go out and do what we believe is in the best interest of our country

    GTFO.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      And please, please DON'T show us your tits.

  • CivicHoliday

    The Sour Grapes of Wrath

  • Barb

    Boehner endorses Mitt Romney! That's one guy who can't stop crying giving the nod to a man who has never cried in his life.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Mitt cries every time he needs ice for his scotch.

      • Terry

        Mormon, remember. He cries when he needs ice for his Yoohoo.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          The more devious part of that joke: you missed it.

        • Negropolis

          Wait, so they can drink chocolate?

          • Terry

            Good point. Ok, a glass of lemon-lime soda taken from his year's worth of food hoarded in the basement.

            Here's a question. If you are a bazillionaire like Romney with multiple homes and a Mormon, do you have to hoard a year's worth of food at each house? What if your hoard was in, say, the Boston area and you were at your manse overlooking the Pacific when the unthinkable happens. You can't send the staff back to Boston to get the stuff. You'd have to have caches at every house, wouldn't you?

    • iburl

      Does a minor oil leak near the optical sensors count?

    • Generation[redacted]

      Mitt has the crucial carrot demographic locked in. No word yet on how he plans to win back caterpillars.

    • Exhausted66

      I think Mitt cried about his dog.

      Errr… when people found out about his dog, I mean.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Santorum's waiting until he can go all Medieval on Romney's ass first.

    Unfortunately, that means evolving out of the Dark Ages…

    • Generation[redacted]

      …or dragging the rest of us back to it.

    • Tall Jim

      The Early Middle Ages are the same as the Dark Ages. So, unless you mean that Santorum must evolve to the High Middle Ages, evolving is not required.

  • slithytoves

    Santorum told his supporters that it was entirely up to them who to vote for in next week’s Pennsylvania primary.

    Really says something about the caliber of your supporters that you have to instruct them on how voting works in a democracy.

    • elgin_pelican

      He meant, "you can decide who to vote for…for now <<wink>>"

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    Santorum said in the call, which had at least 4,000 participants at its peak, according to host and Santorum aide Mark Rodgers.

    Worst sex line evar.

    Also, too, can you imagine if your job description was "Santorum Aide"? Sounds like a euphemism for "public bathroom jizz mopper"

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      In fairness, 3998 of them thought it was the Domino's pizza hotline

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      "Santorum Aide" could also be the worst possible carbonated beverage.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Other failed sodas:

        Huntsman Dew

        Gingrich Fizz

        • DaRooster

          Herman Coke Cain

          • proudgrampa

            "You take Sally,
            I'll take Sue,
            Ain't no difference
            Between the two.

            Coke Cain,
            runnin' all around my brain!"

    • iburl

      Ahh, the dignity of a Gingrich kids' work program.

  • DaRooster

    Man, I would rather hear from One L… this guy needs to drop off.

  • hagajim

    Li'l Ricky can't endorse Willard until he takes the time to clean up the Santorum he left all over the country.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    the former Pennsylvania senator alluded to having plans to build a conservative movement outside of the framework of the presidential election

    Sorry, Mr. Shit-for-Brains but the Koch brothers stable of losers is full.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    I kind of like the fact that Rick is being a dick to Mittens. I hope they fight/squabble all the way to the convention.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Santorum told his supporters that it was entirely up to them who to vote for in next week’s Pennsylvania primary.

    Golly that's big of him, allowing the electorate freedom of independent thought, and all.

  • GhostBuggy

    So this is how the GOP goes out, not with a whimper, but a Santorum-covered bang.

  • freakishlywrong

    "Bitter, party of one." "Bitter, party of one?"

  • Terry

    Has Miche1e ever really worked?

  • James Michael Curley

    Miranda Beckham was one of the Spice Girls. Became irrelevant before she turned 25.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      VICTORIA ADAMS LIBEL!

      • James Michael Curley

        Lets not forget Baby Spice, David Vitter.

  • freakishlywrong

    My schaden is on auto-pilot.

  • MissTaken

    Santorum said he has talked with former House Speaker Newt Gingrich

    Oh good God, can you even imagine how self-centered and delusional that conversation went??

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Santorum: "I have plans to build a conservative movement outside of the framework of the presidential election."

      Gingrich: "I'm going to build colonies on the moon!"

      • Generation[redacted]

        Gingrich: "Now that my think tank has successfully reformed health care, I can turn my attention to the Moon."

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      "How am I? I'm fine, but enough about you, let's talk about me: what do you think of me?"

      "I think I'm fine, thanks."

      • sullivanst

        Reminds me of a line from In Treatment:

        But enough about me, let's talk about what you think about me.

        Only that character said it with self-awareness.

    • James Michael Curley

      The hereto unseen convention of Solopsists.

    • SorosBot

      Two total losers and has-beens, driven out of office for being national laughingstocks, each of whom somehow thinks they're still relevant; I'm surprised there's enough room for both those egos. Wonder if they stroked each other's dick?

      Metaphorically, I mean!

      • prommie

        They don't just think they are relevant, they think they are needed! They think that only they can save the world.

  • WhatTheHeck

    These are perfectly sound human beings we’re talking about here, right?

    • proudgrampa

      I don't think so…

  • IncenseDebate

    Santorum. What a mess.

  • SorosBot

    Your god has forsaken you Rick; ha ha!

    • Tommmcattt

      Jinx! On some coke!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Sooooo Rick — rethinking any of that urging from The LORD to run for president? Like maybe it was just your own hubris talking? Just like it's been all your life? No? Yeah, it must be part of a big secret plan He has that just doesn't make any sense to us mortals, like it always does when it seems like just random things are happening — that's the ticket.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      Like when she hammers the ever-living shit out of the Real American Heartland with death-winds.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Absolutely NOTHING to do with global warming, so it has to be god.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        That's one of the great mysteries — why the distribution of godbothering bible-thumpers overlaps almost perfectly with Tornado Alley. (And the few who don't live there are clustered in hurricane territory.)

        • PubOption

          Where there are trailer parks, there are also high winds. I'm not sure which is cause and which effect.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            I suppose, when you expect your home to be reduced to splinters on a regular basis, there's considerable motivation to live in a cheap one.*

            So, oddly enough, it could be the wind causing the trailers.

            *The likelihood of dying in a cheap one might explain the tendency to rely on an imaginary sky friend for comfort. So, contrary to conventional Xtard wisdom, it's tornadoes that plague us with God!

  • Tommmcattt

    WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW, RICK?

    Tee-hee!

    • freakishlywrong

      Endorsing a Mormon.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Drinking heavily.

  • Baconzgood

    I hate this fucking ass hole. I'm glad his 15 min are almost finished.

  • Oblios_Cap

    "It is a simple but sometimes forgotten truth that the greatest enemy to present joy and high hopes is the cultivation of retrospective bitterness."

    Suck it, Santorum!

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    When he gets to the grief stage, it will not be complete until he realizes his life is a hollow lie.

  • prommie

    Ron Paul and his army of 'tards have completely fallen off the radar, haven't they? I miss them, the strangest, craziest, and most delusional of all the GOP sects, but also, give them this, the smartest, they make the evangelicals and tea partiers look like drooling troglodites.

    • sullivanst

      Some of them can even form sentences! Only some, though.

    • Exhausted66

      They were out in front of my Dairy Queen on Saturday. I wish I could describe how deep and satisfying my laugh was upon seeing them. reLOVEution!

  • freakishlywrong

    One hopes the humiliation burns like hellfire. If I believed in hell, that is. ♪But Ricky does.♫

  • Slim_Pickins

    So, Mittens has got to acceptance?

  • proudgrampa

    Rebecca, you are so right: Denial ain't just a river in Egypt!

    • prommie

      I don't have a problem. I could give up Wonkette any time. I have it totally under control.

      • George Spelvin

        Yeah. Me too.

  • Wadisay

    (Sigh) Time to hire a ghostwriter for their campaign autobiographies (each of which will be titled Undefeated), then head over to Fox news to ink the deal on the commenter gig.

    • sullivanst

      Bridges. Newt has burned them.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Rick Santorum, stop making your daughter cry!

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Based on the past record of the aforementioned assholes and peculiarities of the GOPers, they'll never get to acceptance.

  • Callyson

    Santorum told his supporters that it was entirely up to them who to vote for in next week’s Pennsylvania primary.

    "Fine, vote however you like, see if *I* care!"

  • mavenmaven

    Rick who?

  • Steverino247

    Well, now we have a possible explanation for the USSS sex scandal. Can you imagine how repressed you'd be if you had to protect Santorum for that long? They had to explode (erupt? ejaculate?) somewhere after all that!

  • bureaucrap

    Why is it that all these wingnuts think god is trying to tell them to run, but don't take the hint when god tells them to lose? GOD WANTS YOU TO SHUT THE F&^K UP!!!!

    • Tommy1733

      God is an optimist, and passive-aggressive – can't bring Himself to tell Santy.

  • MissTaken

    I wish the primaries ended like Oregon Trail. If Lil Ricky gets dysentery and dies, he's gone, never to be heard from again.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Republicans: Donner Party or GTFO.

  • Tommy1733

    Santorum/Palin 2016! The two rogues!!!

    • meatpuppet2

      Palin/Santelli 2016

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "we’re going to go out and do what we believe is in the best interest of our country"

    Too late, asshole.

    • aussiefromafar

      What move into a cave and never step foot in public evah again? We can but hope.

  • meatpuppet2

    They all said god told them to run so they cannot understand why god played a practical joke on them.

  • thebeatgoeson

    Oh great Editrix – That Ol' Smegma Lips moniker just made my day! (Also made me glad I haven't eaten lunch yet)

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Mumbly_Joe

    More like the Dunning-Kruger stages of grief, honestly.

    Well, except for Mittens. His are more like the Voight-Kampff stages.

  • ttommyunger

    Ricky has visions of powers akin to the fabled "Colbert Bump". Fuggitaboutit!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Rick's biggest fear is that http://blog.spreadingsantorum.com/ will start creeping back to the top of the Google results page. Because people paste links to it, you know, just about everywhere.

  • Tall Jim

    Rick Perry is not even worth a mention. That must hurt. I live in Austin, TX and I don't even know what he is doing these days.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      You and Rick both.

    • aussiefromafar

      Boys!

    • DahBoner

      Applying paint remover to his Ni____head sign???

  • owhatever

    Who are these people again?

  • Come here a minute

    Santorum told his supporters that it was entirely up to them who to vote for in next week’s Pennsylvania primary.

    BREAKING: Santorum endorses Obama!!!!

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    If they're "going to go out and do what we believe is in the best interest of our country", there are unlimited possibilities here …

  • DahBoner

    Their "God" is quite the kidder!