HARD FEELINGS  11:55 am April 17, 2012

Former GOP Presidential Candidates Still Struggling Through Kubler-Ross Stages Of Grief

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Needz moar smegmaMan you guys, all the former GOP presidential candidates, like Herb Cain and Newt Gingrich and Ol’ Smegma Lips over there, are having such a hard time dealing with the cold FACT that they are losers, who lost, because people like them even less than they like Mitt Romney! Herb Cain is trying to keep himself relevant by throwing protests to which nobody comes (Bargaining); Rick Santorum still will not endorse that bastard Messican Lord Sir Hairgel His Willardness (Anger); and Newt Gingrich thinks he is still actually in the race (De Nile). We have forgotten about Steve Perry and Miranda Beckham, because who are they again? (Also, Ron Paul continues to not actually exist.)

Would you guess that spitty, sneery, smegmified loser Rick Santorum was going to hold a conference call with supporters and be a dick? YOU WOULD! Then you, unlike Rick Santorum, are a winner who wins things. YAY YOU!

Former presidential candidate Rick Santorum on Monday sounded no closer to endorsing Mitt Romney than when he dropped out of the presidential race last week, telling supporters on a conference call that he hasn’t even had a chance to speak to his onetime rival.

Santorum said he has talked with former House Speaker Newt Gingrich. “I haven’t had a chance yet to talk to Governor Romney, but we’ll be talking to both of them and we’re going to go out and do what we believe is in the best interest of our country,” Santorum said in the call, which had at least 4,000 participants at its peak, according to host and Santorum aide Mark Rodgers.

To crystallize the point that he isn’t going to make an endorsement in the immediate future, Santorum told his supporters that it was entirely up to them who to vote for in next week’s Pennsylvania primary. “I haven’t supported any candidate at this point,” he said.

Jesus, what did Mitt Romney ever do to this fucker, bone his wife? (No, he didn’t, because his penis is not stiff.) Anyway, Rick Santorum lost and will continue to lose forever and ever amen. [CBS]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 109 comments }

nounverb911 April 17, 2012 at 11:57 am

Wasn't Santorum behind the vicious penguin assault on Newt?

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 12:02 pm

BURGESS MEREDITH LIBEL!

SorosBot April 17, 2012 at 12:09 pm

What, are we forgetting Danny DeVito here?

prommie April 17, 2012 at 12:11 pm

For some of us, there will only be one Penguin.

proudgrampa April 17, 2012 at 12:12 pm

True dat.

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 12:26 pm

MARIO LEMIEUX LIBEL!

Oh wait…

SorosBot April 17, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Yes, Danny DeVito. Does anyone care about the cheesy old show that was always shown in reruns on UHF weekday afternoons back in the day?

donner_froh April 17, 2012 at 11:59 am

Ha Ha–no more Secret Service hooker parties for you guys!

nounverb911 April 17, 2012 at 11:59 am

Has Miche1e gone back to work yet?

Gratuitous World April 17, 2012 at 11:59 am

"man shall not endorse with man as with woman."

Blueb4sunrise April 17, 2012 at 12:00 pm

….we’re going to go out and do what we believe is in the best interest of our country

GTFO.

starfanglednut April 17, 2012 at 12:46 pm

And please, please DON'T show us your tits.

CivicHoliday April 17, 2012 at 12:01 pm

The Sour Grapes of Wrath

Barb April 17, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Boehner endorses Mitt Romney! That's one guy who can't stop crying giving the nod to a man who has never cried in his life.

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Mitt cries every time he needs ice for his scotch.

Terry April 17, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Mormon, remember. He cries when he needs ice for his Yoohoo.

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 12:07 pm

The more devious part of that joke: you missed it.

Negropolis April 18, 2012 at 1:45 am

Wait, so they can drink chocolate?

Terry April 18, 2012 at 7:47 am

Good point. Ok, a glass of lemon-lime soda taken from his year's worth of food hoarded in the basement.

Here's a question. If you are a bazillionaire like Romney with multiple homes and a Mormon, do you have to hoard a year's worth of food at each house? What if your hoard was in, say, the Boston area and you were at your manse overlooking the Pacific when the unthinkable happens. You can't send the staff back to Boston to get the stuff. You'd have to have caches at every house, wouldn't you?

iburl April 17, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Does a minor oil leak near the optical sensors count?

Generation[redacted] April 17, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Mitt has the crucial carrot demographic locked in. No word yet on how he plans to win back caterpillars.

Exhausted66 April 17, 2012 at 12:23 pm

I think Mitt cried about his dog.

Errr… when people found out about his dog, I mean.

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Santorum's waiting until he can go all Medieval on Romney's ass first.

Unfortunately, that means evolving out of the Dark Ages…

Generation[redacted] April 17, 2012 at 12:16 pm

…or dragging the rest of us back to it.

Tall Jim April 17, 2012 at 1:29 pm

The Early Middle Ages are the same as the Dark Ages. So, unless you mean that Santorum must evolve to the High Middle Ages, evolving is not required.

slithytoves April 17, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Santorum told his supporters that it was entirely up to them who to vote for in next week’s Pennsylvania primary.

Really says something about the caliber of your supporters that you have to instruct them on how voting works in a democracy.

elgin_pelican April 17, 2012 at 1:15 pm

He meant, "you can decide who to vote for…for now <<wink>>"

Fukui-sanYesOta April 17, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Santorum said in the call, which had at least 4,000 participants at its peak, according to host and Santorum aide Mark Rodgers.

Worst sex line evar.

Also, too, can you imagine if your job description was "Santorum Aide"? Sounds like a euphemism for "public bathroom jizz mopper"

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 12:04 pm

In fairness, 3998 of them thought it was the Domino's pizza hotline

Fukui-sanYesOta April 17, 2012 at 12:06 pm

"Santorum Aide" could also be the worst possible carbonated beverage.

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Other failed sodas:

Huntsman Dew

Gingrich Fizz

DaRooster April 17, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Herman Coke Cain

proudgrampa April 17, 2012 at 12:48 pm

"You take Sally,
I'll take Sue,
Ain't no difference
Between the two.

Coke Cain,
runnin' all around my brain!"

iburl April 17, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Ahh, the dignity of a Gingrich kids' work program.

DaRooster April 17, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Man, I would rather hear from One L… this guy needs to drop off.

hagajim April 17, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Li'l Ricky can't endorse Willard until he takes the time to clean up the Santorum he left all over the country.

donner_froh April 17, 2012 at 12:03 pm

the former Pennsylvania senator alluded to having plans to build a conservative movement outside of the framework of the presidential election

Sorry, Mr. Shit-for-Brains but the Koch brothers stable of losers is full.

Texan_Bulldog April 17, 2012 at 12:03 pm

I kind of like the fact that Rick is being a dick to Mittens. I hope they fight/squabble all the way to the convention.

CogitoErgoBibo April 17, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Santorum told his supporters that it was entirely up to them who to vote for in next week’s Pennsylvania primary.

Golly that's big of him, allowing the electorate freedom of independent thought, and all.

GhostBuggy April 17, 2012 at 12:04 pm

So this is how the GOP goes out, not with a whimper, but a Santorum-covered bang.

freakishlywrong April 17, 2012 at 12:04 pm

"Bitter, party of one." "Bitter, party of one?"

Terry April 17, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Has Miche1e ever really worked?

James Michael Curley April 17, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Miranda Beckham was one of the Spice Girls. Became irrelevant before she turned 25.

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 12:10 pm

VICTORIA ADAMS LIBEL!

James Michael Curley April 17, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Lets not forget Baby Spice, David Vitter.

freakishlywrong April 17, 2012 at 12:07 pm

My schaden is on auto-pilot.

MissTaken April 17, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Santorum said he has talked with former House Speaker Newt Gingrich

Oh good God, can you even imagine how self-centered and delusional that conversation went??

CogitoErgoBibo April 17, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Santorum: "I have plans to build a conservative movement outside of the framework of the presidential election."

Gingrich: "I'm going to build colonies on the moon!"

Generation[redacted] April 17, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Gingrich: "Now that my think tank has successfully reformed health care, I can turn my attention to the Moon."

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 12:25 pm

"How am I? I'm fine, but enough about you, let's talk about me: what do you think of me?"

"I think I'm fine, thanks."

sullivanst April 17, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Reminds me of a line from In Treatment:

But enough about me, let's talk about what you think about me.

Only that character said it with self-awareness.

James Michael Curley April 17, 2012 at 12:26 pm

The hereto unseen convention of Solopsists.

SorosBot April 17, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Two total losers and has-beens, driven out of office for being national laughingstocks, each of whom somehow thinks they're still relevant; I'm surprised there's enough room for both those egos. Wonder if they stroked each other's dick?

Metaphorically, I mean!

prommie April 17, 2012 at 12:58 pm

They don't just think they are relevant, they think they are needed! They think that only they can save the world.

WhatTheHeck April 17, 2012 at 12:08 pm

These are perfectly sound human beings we’re talking about here, right?

proudgrampa April 17, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I don't think so…

IncenseDebate April 17, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Santorum. What a mess.

SorosBot April 17, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Your god has forsaken you Rick; ha ha!

Tommmcattt April 17, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Jinx! On some coke!

SayItWithWookies April 17, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Sooooo Rick — rethinking any of that urging from The LORD to run for president? Like maybe it was just your own hubris talking? Just like it's been all your life? No? Yeah, it must be part of a big secret plan He has that just doesn't make any sense to us mortals, like it always does when it seems like just random things are happening — that's the ticket.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 17, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Like when she hammers the ever-living shit out of the Real American Heartland with death-winds.

starfanglednut April 17, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Absolutely NOTHING to do with global warming, so it has to be god.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 17, 2012 at 1:07 pm

That's one of the great mysteries — why the distribution of godbothering bible-thumpers overlaps almost perfectly with Tornado Alley. (And the few who don't live there are clustered in hurricane territory.)

PubOption April 17, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Where there are trailer parks, there are also high winds. I'm not sure which is cause and which effect.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 17, 2012 at 7:25 pm

I suppose, when you expect your home to be reduced to splinters on a regular basis, there's considerable motivation to live in a cheap one.*

So, oddly enough, it could be the wind causing the trailers.

*The likelihood of dying in a cheap one might explain the tendency to rely on an imaginary sky friend for comfort. So, contrary to conventional Xtard wisdom, it's tornadoes that plague us with God!

Tommmcattt April 17, 2012 at 12:12 pm

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW, RICK?

Tee-hee!

freakishlywrong April 17, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Endorsing a Mormon.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 17, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Drinking heavily.

Baconzgood April 17, 2012 at 12:14 pm

I hate this fucking ass hole. I'm glad his 15 min are almost finished.

Oblios_Cap April 17, 2012 at 12:14 pm

"It is a simple but sometimes forgotten truth that the greatest enemy to present joy and high hopes is the cultivation of retrospective bitterness."

Suck it, Santorum!

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 17, 2012 at 12:14 pm

When he gets to the grief stage, it will not be complete until he realizes his life is a hollow lie.

prommie April 17, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Ron Paul and his army of 'tards have completely fallen off the radar, haven't they? I miss them, the strangest, craziest, and most delusional of all the GOP sects, but also, give them this, the smartest, they make the evangelicals and tea partiers look like drooling troglodites.

sullivanst April 17, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Some of them can even form sentences! Only some, though.

Exhausted66 April 17, 2012 at 12:27 pm

They were out in front of my Dairy Queen on Saturday. I wish I could describe how deep and satisfying my laugh was upon seeing them. reLOVEution!

freakishlywrong April 17, 2012 at 12:18 pm

One hopes the humiliation burns like hellfire. If I believed in hell, that is. ♪But Ricky does.♫

Slim_Pickins April 17, 2012 at 12:18 pm

So, Mittens has got to acceptance?

proudgrampa April 17, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Rebecca, you are so right: Denial ain't just a river in Egypt!

prommie April 17, 2012 at 12:23 pm

I don't have a problem. I could give up Wonkette any time. I have it totally under control.

George Spelvin April 17, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Yeah. Me too.

Wadisay April 17, 2012 at 12:19 pm

(Sigh) Time to hire a ghostwriter for their campaign autobiographies (each of which will be titled Undefeated), then head over to Fox news to ink the deal on the commenter gig.

sullivanst April 17, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Bridges. Newt has burned them.

donner_froh April 17, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Rick Santorum, stop making your daughter cry!

ManchuCandidate April 17, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Based on the past record of the aforementioned assholes and peculiarities of the GOPers, they'll never get to acceptance.

Callyson April 17, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Santorum told his supporters that it was entirely up to them who to vote for in next week’s Pennsylvania primary.

"Fine, vote however you like, see if *I* care!"

mavenmaven April 17, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Rick who?

Steverino247 April 17, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Well, now we have a possible explanation for the USSS sex scandal. Can you imagine how repressed you'd be if you had to protect Santorum for that long? They had to explode (erupt? ejaculate?) somewhere after all that!

bureaucrap April 17, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Why is it that all these wingnuts think god is trying to tell them to run, but don't take the hint when god tells them to lose? GOD WANTS YOU TO SHUT THE F&^K UP!!!!

Tommy1733 April 17, 2012 at 12:42 pm

God is an optimist, and passive-aggressive – can't bring Himself to tell Santy.

MissTaken April 17, 2012 at 12:36 pm

I wish the primaries ended like Oregon Trail. If Lil Ricky gets dysentery and dies, he's gone, never to be heard from again.

Jukesgrrl April 17, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Republicans: Donner Party or GTFO.

Tommy1733 April 17, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Santorum/Palin 2016! The two rogues!!!

meatpuppet2 April 17, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Palin/Santelli 2016

Biel_ze_Bubba April 17, 2012 at 12:47 pm

"we’re going to go out and do what we believe is in the best interest of our country"

Too late, asshole.

aussiefromafar April 17, 2012 at 11:53 pm

What move into a cave and never step foot in public evah again? We can but hope.

meatpuppet2 April 17, 2012 at 12:47 pm

They all said god told them to run so they cannot understand why god played a practical joke on them.

thebeatgoeson April 17, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Oh great Editrix – That Ol' Smegma Lips moniker just made my day! (Also made me glad I haven't eaten lunch yet)

Mumbly_Joe April 17, 2012 at 1:03 pm

More like the Dunning-Kruger stages of grief, honestly.

Well, except for Mittens. His are more like the Voight-Kampff stages.

ttommyunger April 17, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Ricky has visions of powers akin to the fabled "Colbert Bump". Fuggitaboutit!

Biel_ze_Bubba April 17, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Rick's biggest fear is that http://blog.spreadingsantorum.com/ will start creeping back to the top of the Google results page. Because people paste links to it, you know, just about everywhere.

Tall Jim April 17, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Rick Perry is not even worth a mention. That must hurt. I live in Austin, TX and I don't even know what he is doing these days.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 17, 2012 at 7:27 pm

You and Rick both.

aussiefromafar April 17, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Boys!

DahBoner April 18, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Applying paint remover to his Ni____head sign???

owhatever April 17, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Who are these people again?

Come here a minute April 17, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Santorum told his supporters that it was entirely up to them who to vote for in next week’s Pennsylvania primary.

BREAKING: Santorum endorses Obama!!!!

BZ1 April 17, 2012 at 10:53 pm

If they're "going to go out and do what we believe is in the best interest of our country", there are unlimited possibilities here …

DahBoner April 18, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Their "God" is quite the kidder!

thebeatgoeson April 17, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I do. Biff! Pow! Bonk! Splat! Santorum! (Hey – who got santorum in my batman rerun reverie?!)

prommie April 17, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Fear not, old chum.

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