history's greatest monster

What Is Chelsea Clinton Hiding About Monica Lewinsky?

Tits or GTFOEveryone knows that Chelsea Clinton is the world’s most boring human being — though she did grow up to be quite a fetching member of the female species, suck it Rush Limbaugh. She is even more boring than Luke Russert, and possibly has less-notable insights! But were you aware that the reason she is such a flop on NBC, which hired her for “journalism,” is not that she is not particularly a journalist, or experienced, or fluffed up by her famous name to a rank she might have actually earned someday — no, it is only those things a little bit! The real reason, according to Buzzfeed, is because she will not tell us how it felt to be a 13-year-old whose Dad was getting impeached by Newt Gingrich for cigar-banging a plump luscious vixen, “claiming” that it’s “none of our business.” Buzzfeed has some well-considered and not at all creepy thoughts on this!

Almost everyone I spoke to for this story—from within NBC and at other networks as well—agree that that problem is that she won’t talk about the one thing that makes her undeniably compelling. How did it feel to be Chelsea Clinton during the Monica years? In the past, she’s responded angrily to that question. “It’s none of your business,” she told an audience after being questioned about it on the 2008 campaign trail.

Until she’s willing to answer the Monica question, or any real question—to finally open her soul to public view, paying the required tribute to the media gods, to have her Oprah moment —it’s unlikely she’ll be given a warm public embrace. “Is she just boring,” wonders the NBC exec. “Or can she come out of her shell?”

The days of Chelsea having it both ways are over. It’s one thing to want your total privacy, and stay totally private; it’s another thing to want your total privacy while reaping all the rewards and privileges that contemporary celebrity has to offer.

So weird! Buzzfeed is able to find lots of NBC execs to say all kinds of shit about how terrible and boring Chelsea Clinton is, in lots of quotes! But whenever this excellent and hard-hitting article talks about how it’s because she won’t comment on super-relevant and timely Monica Lewinsky, there are no quotes around it, almost as if it’s just reporter Michael Hastings’ opinion that we all have some weird, creepy, prurient right to know about Chelsea’s feelings on her philanderdad.

In other important journalism news, David Gregory was butthurt that he did not get a swag bag of 30 Rock merch, because priorities. [Buzzfeed]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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103 comments

  1. Barb

    How old is Monica now? It seemed like just yesterday she was crawling around on the floor in the Oval Office

      1. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

        Jenna. And she wasn't an intern.

        THIS COMMENT IS APPROVED AS WONKETTE-WHOLESOME™.

        1. actor212

          I like berets. I have four of them myself. Only two are military-related.

          (disclaimer: I'm not military or former military, I just like shopping army-navy stores)

          1. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

            Oh, so very trust me, I would never diss on a fellow skeptic. What I said, I said in love.

    1. JustPixelz

      Sarah Palin™ probably waves her "World's Best Least Surprised Grandmother!" mug at the sky whenever Hillary flies over Alaska on her way to doing Important Things.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        When the Secretary of State rears her head over American airspace, where do you think she goes? Alaska, of course.

  2. Texan_Bulldog

    Here's a thought: Maybe NBC/MSNBC can hire actual journalists based on skills, talent and experience rather than just hiring people lucky enough to fall out of famous vaginas (Russert, Bush twins, Chelsea). Pretty soon Bristol & Willow will be co-hosting the 4th hour of the Today show.

    1. Negropolis

      Surprisingly, Jenna seems more openly compassionate than Chelsea will ever allow herself, though, I could see why she turned out that way.

  3. CogitoErgoBibo

    Whereas sending Jenna Bush-Hager to do life-affirming fluff pieces for The Today Show, rather than forcing her to recount every nauseating detail of life as a Secret Service protected party girl, means she'll be around for a million years. Because, logic.

  4. Doktor StrangeZoom

    What's Amy Carter up to these days?

    EDIT: Wikipedia sez "Carter illustrated her father's 1995 children's book The Little Baby Snoogle-Fleejer"

    So, hiding in shame, then.

    1. JustPixelz

      And whatever happened to George H. W. Bush's youngster? The one who got him the cocaine for his "war on drugs" speech. The one with Secret Service code name "Toga".

  5. prommie

    Maybe, though, there is a valid point here, I mean, the world wants to know if she ever noticed the smell of Monica's vadge on her dad's hand. Its important.

    1. actor212

      FOX News won't be satisfied until she breaks down on camera and makes the tearful revelation that, indeed, she brought the infamous cigar to her dad's office.

  6. SorosBot

    Yeah, how dare she not publicly discuss such a highly personal and likely painful experience from her youth!

  7. LiberalMantra

    Weren't these the same people that were crying "Bill Clinton taught my 6 year old about blowjobs?" And now his daughter is supposed to give a detailed description on what they speculated and salivated over, derp?

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Way to go, Chelsea — and I hope I speak for multitudes when I say that I really, truly, deeply don't want to fuckin' know what it was like being Chelsea Clinton during the Monica years. But then maybe that's 'cause the standard "What are you feeling?" question is the first resort of unimaginative reporters everywhere and should be punished by being made to spend a year on the Dry Tortugas.

  9. actor212

    Yes, of course she should relive the worst six years of her life….FIFTEEN YEARS LATER! And just for ratings, not for her therapist.

    We, as a nation, suck.

  10. Tundra Grifter

    Does this mean Meghan McCanns has to tell all about her feelings regarding her dad having an affair, or dating a South American beauty queen?

    Nobody cares about Ms. Clinton's feelings about a minor affair that happened many years ago.

    At least, nobody with a brain should.

    PS: Welcome back, Rebecca! Or is it back to back, back to your back, back in the game? Or just back?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      "At least, nobody with a brain should. "

      Welp, you've just lopped off about 2/3 of your potential advertising demographic. "Hello, Tundra? Yeah, this is the programming department. Yeah, well you're fired."

  11. actor212

    The days of Chelsea having it both ways are over. It’s one thing to want your total privacy, and stay totally private; it’s another thing to want your total privacy while reaping all the rewards and privileges that contemporary celebrity has to offer.

    Perhaps someone can help me out here, as a former journalism student and part-time blooger (& fulltime commenter at mommyblogs):

    When did networks establish the position of "celebrity reporter for programming in the news division"?

    I thought her job was to report fucking stories, not report ON fucking.

  12. ElPinche

    Just tell them what you know Chelsea. "All I remember is that everytime I walked into a room with daddy and Monica, it smelled like catfood and ass. "

  13. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Mind you, if Chelsea DID say anything about Those Times, Buzzfeed would label her an insufferable publicity whore.

  14. justkillmenow

    Aren't reporters supposed to, you know, report on what is happening in the world? Why should I care about the personal life of a reporter? Then again, I don't understand the trend of reporters interviewing other reporters either.

  15. Lascauxcaveman

    Ugh. I forgot Chels was only 13 when her dad got caught being very naughty with a naughty girl not her mommy.

    Memo to Self: Do not become president until your youngest daughter is in college. Let's see, that'll make me about 60? Yes, that's a nice presidential age. That's when I'll do it.

    1. imissopus

      No, she was a little older than that. The Lewinsky thing became public in '98, when she had already gone off to Stanford. The actual affair happened when she was still at home, in high school, and who knows what she knew then, but of course the whole point is, even if she had known, who cares.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Maybe I should just become president of Italy, where the bunga bunga is just part of the job description?

        I hear they have nice wine and pasta.

  16. Baconzgood

    So how did you feel about your dad getting his knob slobbed then having it splashed all over the front pages day after day after day?

    Yeah, I can't see why she doesn't talk about it more.

    1. SorosBot

      Wait, you wouldn't want the details of your dad's sex life – with someone who's not you mom – to be all over the media for over a year?

  17. hagajim

    My guess is the 13-year old Chelsea thought her philanderdad was a gross old perv….and she probably still thinks so. But who cares – really?

  18. Generation[redacted]

    Dear Chelsea,

    If anyone ever refers to a period of your life as "The Monica Years" you are hereby allowed to give them one (1) swift kick in the nuts. This offer does not expire and is redeemable at any time.

  19. sullivanst

    The days of Chelsea NBC execs having it both ways are over. It’s one thing to want your total privacy anonymity, and stay totally private anonymous; it’s another thing to want your total privacy anonymity while reaping all the rewards and privileges [e.g. having your whiney nonsense reproduced by soi-disant journalists] that contemporary celebrity has to offer.

    FIFY, sad hack Hastings.

    P.S. a 15-year-old story isn't "compelling"

  20. JustPixelz

    The important journalism thing to remember is "the kids are off limits". OK, technically only children of Repubicans are off-limits. And also, only if you say something vaguely insulting, like "she's the town bicycle: everyone gets a ride" (guess who!). Demoncrat children are always targets.

  21. Edith_Prickly

    WTF is it with the US news media and not being able to quit the Monica story? It was 15 years ago, FFS. Move on please, no one gives a crap anymore

  22. Baconzgood

    I liked The Monica Years. It was the only thing (besides his cameo in the Princess Bride) Fred Savage did that was any good.

  23. CrunchyKnee

    Because everyone knows that the Clinton Lewinsky "scandal" is still the biggest news to hit 'Merica since the 1990s.

  24. MarionNYNY

    Chelsea is a recent grad of the Columbia University School of Public Health, which trains people to do all sorts of good work, globally and/orlocally, as researchers or on the ground. It is not, however, a training ground for journalists. If only there were somebody out there, who could give her a job in her actually field of study, perhaps for an organization with a mission to improve global health, strengthen economies worldwide, promote healthier childhoods, and protect the environment by fostering partnerships among governments, businesses, nongovernmental organizations, and private citizens — leveraging their expertise, resources, and passions — to turn good intentions into measurable results. Anybody?

  25. proudgrampa

    LEAVE CHELSEA ALOOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I love that girl. And let's face it, her dad was a lying, cheating prick. During the Monica years, that is.

    He shouldn't have been impeached for it, and Gingrich was a total asshole (and hyprocrite) for making a big deal out of it. But Bill (the other asshole) should have kept his dick in his pants.

    *Edited for clarity*

  26. Callyson

    “Is NBC just boring,” wonders the audience. “Or can it think outside the ratings box and actually report some real and important news?”

  27. Steverino247

    Our Army is in the field and this is the news we get? Let's take EVERY single one of the Buzzfeed crew and embed them with an Army or Marine infantry unit fighting for their very lives right this second in Afghanistan.

    After all, the troops need the entertainment derived from watching civilians shit themselves from fear.

  28. Nopantsmcgee

    I confuse Buzzfeed and Gawker all the time. They both make me feel dirty, but not a good kind of dirty.

  29. owhatever

    Soften up the language a bit, Chelz, and win them over. Instead of "None of your business," try "None of your fucking business, you asshole. How did you feel back in Podunk when your Dad came home drunk and tried to hump you while your ho' mother was being picked up by the cops for peddling her ass and drugs? Jesus H. Wasilla, gimme a break and let's move on."

    It think that might be a bit smoother. I thank you for your service.

  30. ttommyunger

    Shit, I'd do both of them with a side order of Bush Twin Twats thrown in for good measure.

  31. Allmighty_Manos

    Dear NBC jerks:

    Don't hire someone w/o any journalistic or TV experience for your news team and then bitch anonymously that she isn't very good at it.

  32. elgin_pelican

    Also, don't ask her about that smarmy ivy-league ski bum she brought home from the no-kill shelter.

  33. whatupirondog

    Hey, Chelsea! 'Member when you were, like, a little kid and, like, your dad was president and stuff? And, like, everybody was mad about him because, like, he was having an affair and he was the president like I said?

    'Member that?

    That was cool!

  34. Jukesgrrl

    David Gregory is married to someone who took a swagbag full of several million dollars when she left her job as Fannie Mae executive vice president, general counsel and corporate secretary right before the shit hit the fan. So David Gregory should STFU.

  35. Negropolis

    So this is the new "show us your tits", eh?

    Wait, Michael Hastings. Rolling Stones Michael Hastings? The hobbity-lookin' fella' that comes across as an irreverent, too-col-for-school dick in interviews?

  36. ThundercatHo

    I'm certain that my own parents never had sex (like Mary and Joseph) and pretty sure that I'd be emotionally damaged if forced to think about it. Plus, manners?! Her appropriate response to any question about her parent's sex lives should be, "What the hell is wrong with you? You don't ask people about their parent's sex lives! Why should you want to know that? I wouldn't ask you about your parent's sex life. That's just gross. Get the fuck out of here. What an asshole. Now, back to you, whoever." Relevance and respect restored.

Comments are closed.