HISTORY'S GREATEST MONSTER  11:25 am April 17, 2012

What Is Chelsea Clinton Hiding About Monica Lewinsky?

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Tits or GTFOEveryone knows that Chelsea Clinton is the world’s most boring human being — though she did grow up to be quite a fetching member of the female species, suck it Rush Limbaugh. She is even more boring than Luke Russert, and possibly has less-notable insights! But were you aware that the reason she is such a flop on NBC, which hired her for “journalism,” is not that she is not particularly a journalist, or experienced, or fluffed up by her famous name to a rank she might have actually earned someday — no, it is only those things a little bit! The real reason, according to Buzzfeed, is because she will not tell us how it felt to be a 13-year-old whose Dad was getting impeached by Newt Gingrich for cigar-banging a plump luscious vixen, “claiming” that it’s “none of our business.” Buzzfeed has some well-considered and not at all creepy thoughts on this!

Almost everyone I spoke to for this story—from within NBC and at other networks as well—agree that that problem is that she won’t talk about the one thing that makes her undeniably compelling. How did it feel to be Chelsea Clinton during the Monica years? In the past, she’s responded angrily to that question. “It’s none of your business,” she told an audience after being questioned about it on the 2008 campaign trail.

Until she’s willing to answer the Monica question, or any real question—to finally open her soul to public view, paying the required tribute to the media gods, to have her Oprah moment —it’s unlikely she’ll be given a warm public embrace. “Is she just boring,” wonders the NBC exec. “Or can she come out of her shell?”

The days of Chelsea having it both ways are over. It’s one thing to want your total privacy, and stay totally private; it’s another thing to want your total privacy while reaping all the rewards and privileges that contemporary celebrity has to offer.

So weird! Buzzfeed is able to find lots of NBC execs to say all kinds of shit about how terrible and boring Chelsea Clinton is, in lots of quotes! But whenever this excellent and hard-hitting article talks about how it’s because she won’t comment on super-relevant and timely Monica Lewinsky, there are no quotes around it, almost as if it’s just reporter Michael Hastings’ opinion that we all have some weird, creepy, prurient right to know about Chelsea’s feelings on her philanderdad.

In other important journalism news, David Gregory was butthurt that he did not get a swag bag of 30 Rock merch, because priorities. [Buzzfeed]

 
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{ 103 comments }

Barb April 17, 2012 at 11:27 am

How old is Monica now? It seemed like just yesterday she was crawling around on the floor in the Oval Office

prommie April 17, 2012 at 11:28 am

Putting her head down and pulling the wagon, so to speak?

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 11:34 am

She still crawls around floors only now she does it drunk

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 17, 2012 at 11:43 am

Jenna. And she wasn't an intern.

THIS COMMENT IS APPROVED AS WONKETTE-WHOLESOME™.

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 11:47 am

I'm still amazed she never spilled a drop.

Barb April 17, 2012 at 11:44 am

Say what you want about Miss Monica. She knows how to rock a kicky little beret.

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 11:49 am

I like berets. I have four of them myself. Only two are military-related.

(disclaimer: I'm not military or former military, I just like shopping army-navy stores)

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 17, 2012 at 11:57 am

…or you have a walrus fetish.

flamingpdog April 17, 2012 at 11:52 am

I give her beret a raspberry.

chascates April 17, 2012 at 11:27 am

Chelsea has it both ways? That's news!

prommie April 17, 2012 at 11:27 am

Andd speaking of John Derbyshire, fuck him, again.

nounverb911 April 17, 2012 at 11:28 am

Why hasn't she made Hillary a grandmother yet?

chascates April 17, 2012 at 11:29 am

Abortions.

JustPixelz April 17, 2012 at 11:54 am

Sarah Palin™ probably waves her "World's Best Least Surprised Grandmother!" mug at the sky whenever Hillary flies over Alaska on her way to doing Important Things.

Generation[redacted] April 17, 2012 at 11:57 am

When the Secretary of State rears her head over American airspace, where do you think she goes? Alaska, of course.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 17, 2012 at 11:59 am

She doesn't live in Texas or Misipi.

Texan_Bulldog April 17, 2012 at 11:31 am

Here's a thought: Maybe NBC/MSNBC can hire actual journalists based on skills, talent and experience rather than just hiring people lucky enough to fall out of famous vaginas (Russert, Bush twins, Chelsea). Pretty soon Bristol & Willow will be co-hosting the 4th hour of the Today show.

nounverb911 April 17, 2012 at 11:33 am

Bristol & Willow would be an improvement.

sullivanst April 17, 2012 at 11:58 am

Wino libel!

Maman April 17, 2012 at 11:31 am

I will take Chelsea Clinton over Jenna Bush-Hager any freaking day. At least Chelsea is stone stupid.

Lascauxcaveman April 17, 2012 at 11:42 am

You like 'em stupid then, eh?

Maman April 17, 2012 at 11:44 am

isn't… damn this fingers that won't keep up with my BRAIN! ugh

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 11:46 am

It makes leaving before breakfast a whole lot easier, lemme tell you…

SorosBot April 17, 2012 at 11:43 am

I think you missed a "not" there.

Negropolis April 18, 2012 at 2:19 am

Surprisingly, Jenna seems more openly compassionate than Chelsea will ever allow herself, though, I could see why she turned out that way.

CogitoErgoBibo April 17, 2012 at 11:31 am

Whereas sending Jenna Bush-Hager to do life-affirming fluff pieces for The Today Show, rather than forcing her to recount every nauseating detail of life as a Secret Service protected party girl, means she'll be around for a million years. Because, logic.

DerrickWildcat April 17, 2012 at 11:32 am

It's none of my business and even if I could interview her, I'd just probably ask her if she wanted to make out with me.

Lascauxcaveman April 17, 2012 at 11:44 am

Hope you get your chance, you old charmer, you.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 17, 2012 at 11:32 am

What's Amy Carter up to these days?

EDIT: Wikipedia sez "Carter illustrated her father's 1995 children's book The Little Baby Snoogle-Fleejer"

So, hiding in shame, then.

nounverb911 April 17, 2012 at 11:34 am

Is Susan Ford still smoking weed with the Secret Service?

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 11:42 am

Her last name is Bales. Do the math.

JustPixelz April 17, 2012 at 12:04 pm

And whatever happened to George H. W. Bush's youngster? The one who got him the cocaine for his "war on drugs" speech. The one with Secret Service code name "Toga".

Gratuitous World April 17, 2012 at 11:32 am

Someone needs to ask Sasha + Malia what it was like to have Bill Ayers as a Nanny.

SexySmurf April 17, 2012 at 11:33 am

Why is Chelsea Clinton so boring?

Her father's John McCain.

rickmaci April 17, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I could have sworn that I heard on FoxNoise that was Vince Foster? But they could be wrong.

prommie April 17, 2012 at 11:33 am

Maybe, though, there is a valid point here, I mean, the world wants to know if she ever noticed the smell of Monica's vadge on her dad's hand. Its important.

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 11:37 am

FOX News won't be satisfied until she breaks down on camera and makes the tearful revelation that, indeed, she brought the infamous cigar to her dad's office.

Generation[redacted] April 17, 2012 at 11:55 am

"It was his birthday present! (sob)"

SorosBot April 17, 2012 at 11:33 am

Yeah, how dare she not publicly discuss such a highly personal and likely painful experience from her youth!

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 11:43 am

Right, but ask Mitt about his pooping dog….

Generation[redacted] April 17, 2012 at 11:54 am

Ask Mitt's children how they felt about "the doggie road trip years"

LiberalMantra April 17, 2012 at 11:33 am

Weren't these the same people that were crying "Bill Clinton taught my 6 year old about blowjobs?" And now his daughter is supposed to give a detailed description on what they speculated and salivated over, derp?

SayItWithWookies April 17, 2012 at 11:34 am

Way to go, Chelsea — and I hope I speak for multitudes when I say that I really, truly, deeply don't want to fuckin' know what it was like being Chelsea Clinton during the Monica years. But then maybe that's 'cause the standard "What are you feeling?" question is the first resort of unimaginative reporters everywhere and should be punished by being made to spend a year on the Dry Tortugas.

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 11:45 am

I blame Oprah.

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 11:34 am

Yes, of course she should relive the worst six years of her life….FIFTEEN YEARS LATER! And just for ratings, not for her therapist.

We, as a nation, suck.

Tundra Grifter April 17, 2012 at 11:34 am

Does this mean Meghan McCanns has to tell all about her feelings regarding her dad having an affair, or dating a South American beauty queen?

Nobody cares about Ms. Clinton's feelings about a minor affair that happened many years ago.

At least, nobody with a brain should.

PS: Welcome back, Rebecca! Or is it back to back, back to your back, back in the game? Or just back?

Lascauxcaveman April 17, 2012 at 11:48 am

"At least, nobody with a brain should. "

Welp, you've just lopped off about 2/3 of your potential advertising demographic. "Hello, Tundra? Yeah, this is the programming department. Yeah, well you're fired."

Blueb4sunrise April 17, 2012 at 11:34 am

I would value McMeghan's boobs thoughts on this topic.

rickmaci April 17, 2012 at 12:47 pm

She does bring some incredible assets to the discussion.

Buzz Feedback April 17, 2012 at 11:35 am

Some days you're the cigar, some days you're the humidor.

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 11:36 am

The days of Chelsea having it both ways are over. It’s one thing to want your total privacy, and stay totally private; it’s another thing to want your total privacy while reaping all the rewards and privileges that contemporary celebrity has to offer.

Perhaps someone can help me out here, as a former journalism student and part-time blooger (& fulltime commenter at mommyblogs):

When did networks establish the position of "celebrity reporter for programming in the news division"?

I thought her job was to report fucking stories, not report ON fucking.

ElPinche April 17, 2012 at 11:36 am

Just tell them what you know Chelsea. "All I remember is that everytime I walked into a room with daddy and Monica, it smelled like catfood and ass. "

UnionAgitator April 17, 2012 at 11:37 am

Even if she just stares into space, Chelsea is about a hundred times more interesting than David Gregory.

NBC hands out thirty Reichsmarks???

Doktor StrangeZoom April 17, 2012 at 11:37 am

Mind you, if Chelsea DID say anything about Those Times, Buzzfeed would label her an insufferable publicity whore.

justkillmenow April 17, 2012 at 11:38 am

Aren't reporters supposed to, you know, report on what is happening in the world? Why should I care about the personal life of a reporter? Then again, I don't understand the trend of reporters interviewing other reporters either.

Lascauxcaveman April 17, 2012 at 11:39 am

Ugh. I forgot Chels was only 13 when her dad got caught being very naughty with a naughty girl not her mommy.

Memo to Self: Do not become president until your youngest daughter is in college. Let's see, that'll make me about 60? Yes, that's a nice presidential age. That's when I'll do it.

imissopus April 17, 2012 at 1:16 pm

No, she was a little older than that. The Lewinsky thing became public in '98, when she had already gone off to Stanford. The actual affair happened when she was still at home, in high school, and who knows what she knew then, but of course the whole point is, even if she had known, who cares.

Lascauxcaveman April 17, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Maybe I should just become president of Italy, where the bunga bunga is just part of the job description?

I hear they have nice wine and pasta.

Baconzgood April 17, 2012 at 11:41 am

So how did you feel about your dad getting his knob slobbed then having it splashed all over the front pages day after day after day?

Yeah, I can't see why she doesn't talk about it more.

SorosBot April 17, 2012 at 11:57 am

Wait, you wouldn't want the details of your dad's sex life – with someone who's not you mom – to be all over the media for over a year?

DaRooster April 17, 2012 at 11:42 am

LEAVE CHELSEA ALONE!!!

hagajim April 17, 2012 at 11:43 am

My guess is the 13-year old Chelsea thought her philanderdad was a gross old perv….and she probably still thinks so. But who cares – really?

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 11:44 am

FINALLY! Alt-text I can get behind.

teebob2000 April 17, 2012 at 11:49 am

Such a terrible, terrible, terrible, terribly funny alt-text.

Generation[redacted] April 17, 2012 at 11:48 am

What? Am I the first to point out the obvious?

I'd hit that.

Blueb4sunrise April 17, 2012 at 11:50 am

Fappination intervened.

SorosBot April 17, 2012 at 11:53 am

Just read the alt-text.

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 11:54 am

Some of us were busy.

Can I borrow a Kleenex? Paper towel would work better.

Blueb4sunrise April 17, 2012 at 11:58 am

FIRST!!!!!!!1

Generation[redacted] April 17, 2012 at 11:52 am

Dear Chelsea,

If anyone ever refers to a period of your life as "The Monica Years" you are hereby allowed to give them one (1) swift kick in the nuts. This offer does not expire and is redeemable at any time.

Buckminster April 17, 2012 at 11:54 am

Hellooo, Buzzfeed! The 1990s want their "nooz" back.

sullivanst April 17, 2012 at 11:54 am

The days of Chelsea NBC execs having it both ways are over. It’s one thing to want your total privacy anonymity, and stay totally private anonymous; it’s another thing to want your total privacy anonymity while reaping all the rewards and privileges [e.g. having your whiney nonsense reproduced by soi-disant journalists] that contemporary celebrity has to offer.

FIFY, sad hack Hastings.

P.S. a 15-year-old story isn't "compelling"

flamingpdog April 17, 2012 at 11:56 am

What I wanna know is how does this affect Janet Reno?

JustPixelz April 17, 2012 at 11:59 am

The important journalism thing to remember is "the kids are off limits". OK, technically only children of Repubicans are off-limits. And also, only if you say something vaguely insulting, like "she's the town bicycle: everyone gets a ride" (guess who!). Demoncrat children are always targets.

Edith_Prickly April 17, 2012 at 11:59 am

WTF is it with the US news media and not being able to quit the Monica story? It was 15 years ago, FFS. Move on please, no one gives a crap anymore

__kth__ April 17, 2012 at 11:59 am

Chelsea wants a job, right?

Baconzgood April 17, 2012 at 12:00 pm

I liked The Monica Years. It was the only thing (besides his cameo in the Princess Bride) Fred Savage did that was any good.

MissTaken April 17, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Ah damn, another Monica Lewinsky angle for Jay Leno to wocca wocca about.

SorosBot April 17, 2012 at 12:31 pm

They go great with his hilarious and timely OJ Simpson jokes!

CrunchyKnee April 17, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Because everyone knows that the Clinton Lewinsky "scandal" is still the biggest news to hit 'Merica since the 1990s.

Jukesgrrl April 17, 2012 at 9:09 pm

What are ya talkin about?! It's the biggest scandal in recorded human history.

MarionNYNY April 17, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Chelsea is a recent grad of the Columbia University School of Public Health, which trains people to do all sorts of good work, globally and/orlocally, as researchers or on the ground. It is not, however, a training ground for journalists. If only there were somebody out there, who could give her a job in her actually field of study, perhaps for an organization with a mission to improve global health, strengthen economies worldwide, promote healthier childhoods, and protect the environment by fostering partnerships among governments, businesses, nongovernmental organizations, and private citizens — leveraging their expertise, resources, and passions — to turn good intentions into measurable results. Anybody?

George Spelvin April 17, 2012 at 2:18 pm

What, nepotism?

proudgrampa April 17, 2012 at 12:09 pm

LEAVE CHELSEA ALOOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love that girl. And let's face it, her dad was a lying, cheating prick. During the Monica years, that is.

He shouldn't have been impeached for it, and Gingrich was a total asshole (and hyprocrite) for making a big deal out of it. But Bill (the other asshole) should have kept his dick in his pants.

*Edited for clarity*

iburl April 17, 2012 at 12:10 pm

"Buzzfeed"? More like "Pervneed".

donner_froh April 17, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Chelsea having it both ways

In your dreams, non-existent NBC exec.

mavenmaven April 17, 2012 at 12:32 pm

I like her. So I'm glad we won't see her on Dancing with the Stars in a gorilla suit.

Callyson April 17, 2012 at 12:36 pm

“Is NBC just boring,” wonders the audience. “Or can it think outside the ratings box and actually report some real and important news?”

Steverino247 April 17, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Our Army is in the field and this is the news we get? Let's take EVERY single one of the Buzzfeed crew and embed them with an Army or Marine infantry unit fighting for their very lives right this second in Afghanistan.

After all, the troops need the entertainment derived from watching civilians shit themselves from fear.

FlownOver April 17, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Worldwide Day of Romney.

meatpuppet2 April 17, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Didn't she go all Kirstie Alley and pack on the pounds?

Nopantsmcgee April 17, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I confuse Buzzfeed and Gawker all the time. They both make me feel dirty, but not a good kind of dirty.

owhatever April 17, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Soften up the language a bit, Chelz, and win them over. Instead of "None of your business," try "None of your fucking business, you asshole. How did you feel back in Podunk when your Dad came home drunk and tried to hump you while your ho' mother was being picked up by the cops for peddling her ass and drugs? Jesus H. Wasilla, gimme a break and let's move on."

It think that might be a bit smoother. I thank you for your service.

ttommyunger April 17, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Shit, I'd do both of them with a side order of Bush Twin Twats thrown in for good measure.

Allmighty_Manos April 17, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Dear NBC jerks:

Don't hire someone w/o any journalistic or TV experience for your news team and then bitch anonymously that she isn't very good at it.

elgin_pelican April 17, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Also, don't ask her about that smarmy ivy-league ski bum she brought home from the no-kill shelter.

DahBoner April 17, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's the Ta Ta's?

whatupirondog April 17, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Hey, Chelsea! 'Member when you were, like, a little kid and, like, your dad was president and stuff? And, like, everybody was mad about him because, like, he was having an affair and he was the president like I said?

'Member that?

That was cool!

Jukesgrrl April 17, 2012 at 9:07 pm

David Gregory is married to someone who took a swagbag full of several million dollars when she left her job as Fannie Mae executive vice president, general counsel and corporate secretary right before the shit hit the fan. So David Gregory should STFU.

Negropolis April 18, 2012 at 2:14 am

So this is the new "show us your tits", eh?

Wait, Michael Hastings. Rolling Stones Michael Hastings? The hobbity-lookin' fella' that comes across as an irreverent, too-col-for-school dick in interviews?

ThundercatHo April 18, 2012 at 10:24 am

I'm certain that my own parents never had sex (like Mary and Joseph) and pretty sure that I'd be emotionally damaged if forced to think about it. Plus, manners?! Her appropriate response to any question about her parent's sex lives should be, "What the hell is wrong with you? You don't ask people about their parent's sex lives! Why should you want to know that? I wouldn't ask you about your parent's sex life. That's just gross. Get the fuck out of here. What an asshole. Now, back to you, whoever." Relevance and respect restored.

actor212 April 17, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Don't be dissing on the HyneMAN….

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 17, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Oh, so very trust me, I would never diss on a fellow skeptic. What I said, I said in love.

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