how to talk dirty and influence people

Mitt Romney: Legislation Is For Letting Me Hide My Tax Returns, Not For Giving You Health Care

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An artist's depiction of Christmas at the Romneys.Casually loathed industrialist Mitt Romney and his wife Ann, a stay-at-home mother of five middle-aged men, recently allowed the soothing but cunning Diane Sawyer unfettered access to the Romney home, raw and uncut, so that Mitt could remind the American public, again, of why they’re still not that into Mitt Romney. Okay, presumably that wasn’t really Mitt’s intention but that’s how this most recent charm offensive went down. For example, Mitt thought to win our favor by making believe that dinner table banter at the Romney household used to involve “humor of one kind or another, most of which can’t be repeated on the air.” And, indeed, how easy it is to picture Mitt and Ann, their cheeks bulging with Skoal, cracking open a couple more Miller Lites and chortling bodily as the young Tagg and Dack take turns imitating their favorite Lenny Bruce bits. That probably actually happened, in an undiscovered painting by Dalí that the artist thought a touch too surreal and tucked away at his summer place on Neptune. But the most sordid revelation (with some actual believability) was Mitt’s admission–revolutionary, for a Republican presidential candidate in 2012–that legislation passed by the Congress may actually reflect the will of the “American public,” so long as that legislation lets Romney keep his tax returns, dodgily, leagues from any hint of public scrutiny.

Here is our beloved Diane, demanding ANSWERS, from ABC News’ transcript of the interview because, good grief, why would you watch this thing, intentionally?

DIANE SAWYER: Moving on. President Obama threw down a kind of gauntlet to you over the weekend. And he said, “Release 12 years of your tax returns. I’m releasing them. Release 12 years. If you have nothing to hide why not release 12 years as your father did?”


DIANE SAWYER: And John McCain said they gave him 23 years of tax returns when he was considering you for the vice presidency. If John McCain can get 23 should– for transparency’s sake the rest of the American public get 23 years?

MITT ROMNEY: Well, actually the American public has through legislation determined that we need a extraordinary dis– set of disclosure of financial records of people running for president and I have complied with all that and then in addition put out two more years of tax returns. And exactly as John McCain and– and– John Kerry had, and– I know the Obama people want to get us to do something that will cause a lot of attention to be drawn to the fact that I’ve been successful. John McCain wasn’t worried about diverting from the issues of– of the– of the day, but I understand that the Democrats are going to try and do everything in their power to keep this election from being about the failure of President Obama to turn around our economy.

Any guesses on whose “public,” through legislation, determined that we need to maybe let people have access to the health care their tax dollars make possible? Was it North Korea, maybe? [ABC News]

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • nounverb911

    This is good news for Swiss banks.

    • actor212

      Please, Negro! Swiss banks have agreed to disclose. Cayman banks!

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    A country filled with industrialists, capitalists, self-made men — and he wants to produce modesty? FUCK THAT I AM SHOWIN' ERRBODY. It ain't braggin' if you can.

  • Terry

    "dinner table banter at the Romney household used to involve “humor of one kind or another, most of which can’t be repeated on the air.” "

    Because from the banter you might actually get an idea of something that Romney believes in or thinks is ridiculous and we can't have THAT.

    • bagofmice

      He's running for office for Pete's sake.

  • slithytoves

    That Romney rant was rather reminiscent of Sarah Palin. In other words, it made no sense.

    • nounverb911

      What's a good dressing for word salad?

      • Baconzgood

        All of em Katie.

      • actor212

        Syllabic vinagrette

      • Negropolis

        Ranch dressage or horse radish.

    • George Spelvin

      Random-phrase-generator Fail.

  • OzoneTom

    Mitt inspired me to send in my own extension.

    That and the magic of procrastination.

  • Barb

    Was it Limey Lizzie that tweeted something about Mitt giving his sons 100 million dollars and didn't pay tax on it?

    • yrbmegr

      Under 99% law, that would be illegal. You know, having 100 million dollars.

      • OC_Surf_Serf

        We 99%'ers can only owe 100 million dollars.

    • actor212

      Gift tax law limits him to $5 million each, but a couple can double that. However, that's it for your lifetime. After that, it's taxable.

      • yrbmegr

        You're thinking of 99% law. Under 1% law that 100 million dollars bought shares in Mittsons Corp., which upon resale resulted in a deductible 100 million dollar capital loss.

        • actor212

          Oh. Yes. Of course. How silly of me, such a rookie mistake.

  • yrbmegr

    Warms my cockles.

  • Grief_Lessons

    We all know what those tax receipts will show:

    Income: eleventy billion
    Taxes paid: $400 (adjudicated down from $600 after appeal)

  • Callyson

    I know the Obama people want to get us to do something that will cause a lot of attention to be drawn to the fact that I’ve been successful.

    Actually, Mittens, IIRC it was *you* who wanted to call attention to your success, until the American people learned that one reason for your success was the fact that you like to fire people. Now you want to hide your money under the mattress and pretend to be a commoner? Too late now…

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Yep…didn't Thomas Paine once say "Government by the rich, for the rich, supported by those who foolishly believe they will one day also be rich, and paid for by the rest of us…"

  • MissTaken

    I know the Obama people want to get us to do something that will cause a lot of attention to be drawn to the fact that I’ve been successful

    Wrong answer, Mittens. We are cool with people being successful. We aren't cool with people being successful and managing to pay just pennies for their taxes.

    • actor212

      I long for the days when the Alternative Minimum Tax was instituted, when Americans rose up and decided that the rich HAD to pay a fair share of taxes.

      Of course, Americans are fucking stupid enough to trust Congress to write the goddamn law, which is why I now have to pay the same damn tax, despite the fact I make nowhere near $1 million a year…

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Actually, Mitt's right–Obama certainly does want to remind Americans that Mitt Romney is one fucking rich man, and he knows how to look out for his peers' priorities.

  • Callyson

    You know, we don't divide America based upon– success and– and– and wealth and– other dimensions of that nature.

    OK, Mittens, I hope it will be OK to quote you on that if I end up at the ER with no health insurance. I'm sure that will convince the hospital to give me the same level of medical care that *you* would get, right?


    • Baconzgood

      "You know, we don't divide America based upon– success and– and– and wealth"


      • CogitoErgoBibo

        Obviously, that is what they laugh about around the dinner table.

        • OneYieldRegular

          "Hey Dad – next time can we strap the maid onto the car luggage rack? Ha ha ha ha ha!"

        • actor212

          They don't laugh at the dinner table. It would make the endangered species souffle collapse!

  • Baconzgood



  • freakishlywrong

    failure of President Obama to turn around our economy.. I'm going to start kicking shit in the crotch every time I hear that.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Alternatively: simply intone this simple phrase: "Economy not turning around fast enough for you, motherfucker? Fine. Use your "success" to create some fucking jobs then."

      Rinse. Repeat.

      • Iam_Who_Iam

        That’s a good point, Romney has been unemployed for quite a few years now, why is he not using his wealth to create jobs? Can he give us a specific number of jobs he has created with his wealth since he left Bain? Why doesn’t anyone ask this asshole about that?

        • reliefsinn

          It seems Bain created some jobs in China when they sent the Etch-a-Sketch factory over there. Oh, that wasn't what you meant?
          That guy is just the effing height of hypocrisy, bragging about "creating jobs" and "wealth" for "Americans" when he was mostly shutting down companies and sending jobs overseas after he had sucked all he could out of them. Then he has the nerve to sneer at Obama for being a community organizer, as if that would ever qualify you for the Presidency, trying to help people! Just imagine!

    • poorgradstudent

      I know. I'm one of those bitchy unserious firebagger types and even I wouldn't try to bash Obama on the economy.

    • fuflans

      yes this is the particular phrase that is making me particularly stabby.

  • SorosBot

    And Mittens plan would allow people like him to pay even less taxes; while raising them for people like us. But he's not just a selfish asshole.

  • gullywompr

    Romney's whole pitch – "You're not voting for me, you're voting against Obama." In other words, these are not the tax returns you're looking for.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Yes, Mittens. Seeing your bazillion dollar income and how it continues to multiply under Obama's presidency will most assuredly draw attention to how horrible the economy currently is for everyone, under his leadership.

  • SorosBot

    Oh Mitt, it's not the fact that you're "successful" that's a problem; it's how you never worked a day in your life, made your money through being born to a rich and politically powerful father and then by destroying jobs; and you have absolutely no fucking clue how us ordinary non-rich people live.

    • fuflans

      and you have a really amazing way of speaking that immediately sets up the hackles of – well everyone from the baggers to the fundies to the wonketteria. which is quite a feat when you think about it.

  • freakishlywrong

    Didn't this smug asshole also tell the President "he should start packing"? Hahahaha *hatelaughhahahahaaaaaa…fuck you, Willard.

  • Callyson

    God, this gets better and better:

    My tax plan…I'm going to limit certain deductions and exemptions for high income individuals so that even as we lower the rates for all Americans we're not going to shift the burden from– middle income people to higher income people.I want to help middle income people the most, so that's part one. My– my plan will not in its final plan reduce the burden paid by the highest income people in the country.

    So now the Republican candidate is running against "tax relief" for the "job creators"?!? Wait until the Kochs hear about this…

  • DaRooster

    Majority rules!
    So it is time we start blaming the other 2 branches of the government… you know the ones with the majorities of Repugnants.

  • DaRooster

    Stammer much?

  • RedneckMuslin

    Come on, Barry! Grow some balls! You're the President of the USof A for Chrissakes. YOU release Mitt's tax forms. You're the boss!

  • littlebigdaddy

    The Romnoid still has a few glitches yet to be smoothed out, no?

    • nonbeliever7

      We're already at Mittbot rev 987.24.11 so I have little hope for a glitch free version.

  • JustPixelz

    American admire success achieved fairly and on one's own. What we don't like is inherited wealth and cheaters. The estate tax — recently renamed the death tax by Repubicans — was a Republican idea so people would succeed or fail on their own merit, not with the boost of inherited wealth. And cheaters are cheaters. Can you spell "insider trading"?

    Romney was always wealthy. And his personal accomplishments are tainted by his seeming heartlessness toward those who lost their jobs (and dignity, apparently) when Bain Capital was through with them. And money in off-shore accounts implies he has something (almost literally) to hide.

  • Generation[redacted]

    If Mittens can be successful, despite Obama's failure to turn the economy around, what's stopping the rest of us? We're just lazy, that's what.

  • weejee

    Sounds like Mitt is doing some Elvis karaoke..

    ♪♫ Returns are tender , returns no never ♫♪

  • Dumbedup

    "humorous repartee at the Romney home..e.g " and so I told him you can't have the job because your a darky! Ha, it was marvelous, the look on his face"

    • Dumbedup

      It's easy, you just say it through clenched teeth while smiling a death rictus grin.

  • Steverino247

    If Ann Romney had squirted out twins, would they have been named Dack and Gack?

    • Guppy

      I'm leaning towards "Thingone" and "Thingtwo."

      • trondant

        "Deduction One" and "Deduction Two"

        • Guppy

          With Romney's accountants? More like Deduction 2,141 and Deduction 2,238.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Whack & Ack?

  • actor212

    Oh hey look! A convenient law for me to hide behind!

  • EtchySketchy

    "The dog ate my tax returns, while riding in a shit-filled box on the roof of my car."

  • Antispandex

    " John McCain wasn’t worried about diverting from the issues of– of the– of the day…"

    I think he just called John McCain a candy ass.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Mittens, you know what ruins things for the 1%? 1%ers like you. The more you act "Robot protesteth too much" the more you make people wonder what the hell are you hiding?

    I'm guessing you're one of the multitude of US Americans who used Swiss Bank accounts as a tax shelter. Making you a tax cheat in the eyes of the neutered IRS who would rather go after joe schmo who owes them $40 rather than a dumbass like you who probably owes millions.

  • PhilippePetain

    The great thing is that when I saw that alt-text, I felt bad for Scrooge McDuck, a fictional character from my childhood, for being compared to that awful man.

    • poorgradstudent

      Mittens really is much more like Flintheart Glimgold.

  • owhatever

    Diane Sawyer, who spent years working for Richard Nixon, is not exactly a leftist gotcha journalist, and even she can trip up the Mitt.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Dack? Seriously WTF with stupid GOP kids names

    • Gleem McShineys

      I guess Derp Romney has yet to sign up for a twitter account.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        It could not compare with Dack's account.
        It truly is a thing of beauty with such words as "rad" & "psyched" used.
        I haven't heard those in 25 years.

  • comrad_darkness

    Wait, Ann is still not gainfully employed, even though the kids moved out about a decade ago?

  • dinkybossetti

    Also from the transcript: "You know, I'm– I– I have both emotions."

    See that, everyone? He's not a robot after all. He has the same quantity of emotions the rest of us do – two.

    • trondant

      0 and 1. Captures the whole range of the human experience right there.

    • Nostrildamus

      Both kinds. Country and Western.

  • Wadisay

    After dinner fun at the Romneys': see who can do the best Negro imitation.

    • Nostrildamus

      "Who is my nigga? for goodness sake".

  • Schmegeg

    Tagg? Is this a love child between Mitt and Sarah?

  • orygoon

    Mitt: if you don't show me all of your tax returns since you had tax returns, I will not vote for you. So there.

  • donner_froh

    “humor of one kind or another, most of which can’t be repeated on the air.”

    As in: "Did you hear the one about the two colored fellows and the well digger's daughter?


    Two Mormon elders walk into a bar.

    The bartenders says: "We don't get many Mormons here.

    The elder Elder replied: "Charging six bucks for a glass of beer I can see why, asshole."

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Wonderful, concise explanation of how Bain made bazillions of dollars without producing anything of value.

  • johnnymeatworth

    "Charm offensive," emphasis on "offensive…."

  • fuflans

    just ask him about his car elevator

  • BZ1

    "reduce the burden paid by the highest income people in the country" what? What? WHAT?

  • Negropolis

    humor of one kind or another

    Who talks like that?

  • NewtsUndies

    "chortling bodily"? What would that be like? Bawdily I can see but bodily?

  • NewtsUndies

    On the other hand, that first sentence is absolutely beautiful. I am off now to copy and paste it to Fartbook.

  • ttommyunger

    I tend to laugh at this plastic fuckwad, then I remember a certain idiot that was elected not once, but twice (OK, appointed once, elected once)…..still.

  • Guppy

    Rather than in a Ball jar on the mantlepiece, like the Santorum and Bush households?