Weston, Florida – Floridians can breathe a sigh of relief and unlock their doors at night. There is no more need for police officers, and every senior citizen is now safe without the threat of being eaten by rap zombies. How did Weston create such an amazing utopia for its residents? How did they erase all crime and cause everyone to live in peace and harmony? Did they steal the playbook from Hidden Valley? The answer has been there the entire time and leaders around the world are kicking themselves in the asses for not thinking of it first. The answer to stopping all crime is to stop all dancing.
The mayor of Weston, Eric Hersh, handed down the decision recently, according to the Sun-Sentinel. The mayor said, “This is something that we thought would protect the city.” There have been more recorded incidents of violent dance related deaths in Weston in one day than all violent crimes combined throughout the country. The mayor didn’t have to think very hard to come up with the answer to the city’s crime issues.
Could dancing actually be the issue behind the crime happening in Weston? Dancing seems to only be the start. After much investigation into the horrific entertainment-related atrocities, it was discovered that criminal empires were popping up on almost every street corner. Empires such as roller skating rinks, discos and anywhere people are happy have become recognized as a threat to all. The move to halt these criminal empires has begun ridding the city of loathsome characters who wish to continue parading their disco deviance.
Residents who miss the crime can still go to neighboring Davie or Pembroke Pines for some forbidden lambadas. Both cities have skating rinks and nightclubs and cater to ‘those people.’ Weston stands strong in its decision, citing alcohol and drug use reported near or around some night clubs. It takes a strong leader to make a bold move against criminal entertainment king pins in small towns. [Sun Sentinel]
{ 175 comments }
This is bad news for Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.
No, it's okay. They're in Heaven already…and not just 'cause they're dancing cheek to cheek.
Nah. They're dancing in heaven-and-hell, now. Apparently, hell has some nice dance halls.
Dance till your crotch stinks!
Dang. That means I'll never dance.
I'm dancing as fast as I can't.
Footloose Libel!
Paging Kevin Bacon, paging Kevin Bacon.
Florida, where Alzheimers disease is actually a requirement for office.
Needs more Ronnie Reagan.
Will the movie be called Screwloose?
Weston Side Story.
..I just met a boy named skoal_rebeeeel..
Looks like the residents of Weston had better Disco Duck!
Fucking Disco Sucks!
I'll be over here dancing with myself – thanks.
Is that what you're calling it now?
That's why it's a crime – amiright?
You and Billy Idol
So let's sink another drink, 'cause it will give me time to thi-ink…
But I had some gas, and I let it pass,
Now I'm Dancin' W/ Myself. . . .
Lying on the floor….again….?
When does Hersh ban hoodie wearers?
Wait. Does that include pole dancing?
Cuz I see where there might be an economic downturn in Florida's future
Indeed. Like Mitt says, single mothers should enjoy the dignity of work.
FRUG LIFE!
Nicely played, sir!
*polite golf clap*
Martini?
"Make mine dirty," he said, bumping and grinding.
Very commendable my good man. QOTD worthy.
That will make a lot of geriatric chiropractors rich.
Somewhere, Kenny Loggins is crying.
It's okay, though — he'll be alright.
Well, he did warn us in that prophetic tome "Your Momma Don't Dance"
**sigh**
If only daddy had rock and rolled. If only …
You had better start saving for the royalty payments, 'cause you're in the danger zone. /archer
I blame all the immigrants from Brazil. Those Capoeira dudes will literally dance the shit out of you for looking at them wrong.
And all those carbon footprints!
FINALLY a law I can get behind! No more, "Come on honey, one more dance. PLEEAZZZE!" No more embarrassing stares either…because let's face it, I don't even try, and when I do, it aint pretty!
What the hell does anyone in Florida have to dance about (other than seeing the state line in their rearview mirror)?
It's just a creative way to confuse the giant insects as you make your escape.
Not to rain on your parade, but doesn't seeing the Florida state line in your rearview mirror imply that you are now in either Georgia or Alabama?
I guess if you had a rearview mirror on your boat, that might be worth dancing about…
Wait, isn't Cuba off the coast of Florida?
And also to snarkycomments: This occurred to me some time after posting, and I am proud to be among you both who thought my comment through a little better than I did. Still, if one has left Florida, one is moving in the right direction, at least.
They told them don't you ever dance around here
Don't wanna see your steps, you shouldn't shake your rear
The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear
So beat it, just beat it
You better stop, you better do what you can
Don't wanna see no moves, don't dance to macho man
You wanna just dance, better do what you can
So beat it, but you wanna be bad
Andrew Lloyd Webber is on line two, sir, he'd like to speak with you about a possible collaboration.
I thought they burned down the Dirty Dancing resort.
http://gothamist.com/2012/04/18/resort_from_dirty…
This is a good thing. That movie taught me the evils of dancing because you get pregnant and have an abortion and start lying to your parents. Sure, it all starts with just carrying a watermelon and next thing you know you're sexing up Patrick Swayze.
OT Dick Clark has died.
And this post explains why he finally killed himself.
And Dick Cheney still lives. DAMMIT.
/snark off
That is really and truly very sad. My heart goes out to his family.
You mean his body finally got the memo?
Actually, not so OT. I give him a 75: good beat and easy to dance to
Not off topic at all!
America's immortal DJ felled by the news! Can the causality be doubted? Now there is blood (or at least a runny cocktail of plasma, Botox and Plavix) on the hands of these Floridian dancebanners.
That's because they stopped the dancing and he had nowhere to go with his Bandstand. Actually, too bad, because I thought that dude would live forever.
A long long time ago, I can still remember how that music used to make me smile
Authorities report finding a portrait of a -41 year old Clark in a vault in his residence.
How could they tell it was him….it looked ancient….
Oh, I realize the flaw in my post now. Dang. You got it right, the painting would be…a zillion years old looking.
Great. Now who's going to depress me every New Years Eve?
Where do you live? I'll pop over.
Nice try. Unless you recently had a stroke and/or turned mormon, I think we would have a pretty good time.
THAT'S NOT OFF TOPIC!
Enter Kevin Bacon stage right to save the town.
Whichz good?
And I thought that the Thursday Square Dance at the local nursing home was already as depressing as humanly possible.
In other violent dance related news…
Take your baby by the hair and pull her close and there there there /
And take your baby by the ears and play upon her darkest fears /
We were so in phase in our dance hall days /
we were cool on craze. . . .
I'm betting even Chunging your Wang in *private* is illegal.
It's so very funky,
the Funky Western Civilization!
You just grab your partner by the hair;
throw her down, and leave her there…
And, on the dance/teasing tip…
Another Saturday, another date
She would be ready but she's always make them wait
In the hallway, in anticipation
He didn't know the night would end up in frustration
He'd end up blowing all his wages for the week
All for a cuddle and a peck on the cheek
Come dancing
That's how they did it when I was just a kid
And when they said come dancing
My sister always did.
And just in time for Prom season!
"Now everybody – stand still next to your date and fidget awkwardly!"
"But Principal Melvin! I wasn't dancing! I was picking my nose and I got caught on a hair!"
If my memory of most school dances serves, that's pretty much what everybody did anyway.
Saves on dresses…
Sheesh, they have some cheap ass Dads down there.
Halelujah!
They tried that in Mrs. weejee's home town of Linden, WA years ago and it didn't work. Obvs, then they banned sex standing up as it could lead to dancing.
Wait — does this law only apply to white people?
If so, I'm starting to think there's a silver lining here …
If you have never been there, this is not the first step. Previously, they banned people darker than Mitt Romney.
John Boehnner was run out of town on a rail.
Does the law ban line dancing, and country-western dancing? If so, I'm all for it.
Boogaloo Shrimp wrapped in Kevin Bacon is a forbidden delicacy in my town.
What will the Dancing Queen Lindsey Graham do if he goes to Florida?
The horizontal mambo with the nearest poolboy?
Don't worry. There will be special accomodations made in South Beach for legislators and private dance "clubs" where the boys will be hot and the gin even hotter.
Did they make an exception for Riverdance? Because, as someone else put it, that involves dancing for white people who don't move their genitals. Should be safe enough…
Michael Flatley LIBEL!
And the cost of a permit for singin' in the rain is prohibitive.
This has been a problem since the Sharks and the Jets from Westside Story started retiring.
Whew! Now I won't have to embarrass myself with my pathetic white guy attempts to dance anymore.
You do that duck face thing too?
No; I only dance the robot.
I myself am fond of the Tunak Tunak Tun.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_CI4y0lCZnY
I do the White Person Dancing Lip Bite [tm].
Somewhat awesome commercial prominently featuring Dancing White Guy Lip Bite:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5YMVO7-8ns
What about these guys? http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embed…
What next, banning the wet mumu contests just because of a few bleeding eye sockets?
Relevant: Dick Clark, RIP.
The Lambada is the forbidden dance yet again.
If only it would take the Macarena with it.
And here I thought it was just the forgotten dance these days.
Just when you think FL can't get any screwier. Check and mate, AZ.
From what I know of AZ…
It is only check…
I read a bit further and found that gun crimes in night clubs are on the rise in South Florida. Gee, "shoot first" laws and loose gun ownership laws lead to increasing gun crime. Whoda thunk it?
If you hadn't of gotten to it first I was going to comment on that as well. But of course our liberal minds have mucked up the logic, it certainly has nothing to do with anything like the Stand Your Ground Law, obviously the problem is those pesky dance clubs.
Weston, Florida just dodged a huge influx of Sufis.
Kevin Bacon is not amused!
OT is the P score machine broken? Used to be I could just put some meaningless horseshit like this up every day, and the score would inexorably go up. Seems like there's some requirement for quality now. What's going on – ain't this 'Merca still?
I wasn't sure at first what to suggest, since pee stopped climbing w/ any predictability for me some time ago. Then I just posted my 2800th comment and suddenly I'm at 111p. I have no idea if that has to do with anything but it is oddly coincidental. If you're approaching a "round number" in # of comments, & can keep posting regularly with snark worthy of others' thumbs see if something doesn't happen. Welcome in- advance to the "matchsticks" club, I'll keep a seat at the table ready for you~
It seems like the higher your P gets, the slower it continues to grow. Or the further away from 0 – after metamarcist was banned from Breitbart, his slowly got higher until he passed -100, then it fairly quickly jumped up to 0.
Says the robot with the stratospheric p-ness.
*grumbles; takes toys and goes home*
My pee was at 108 for a long time, then it went to 107 for a few months, and now it's back to 108. Can't explain it.
There's a "Breakin' " snark in there but I can't flush it out….Or maybe it's not that there is a snark there but that I love Breakin' sooooo much. BESTEST MOVIE WITHOUT BRUCE CAMPBELL EVAR!
Join us next time for
Apparently, There Was Stopping Them
OR
Pop and Glock!
Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo LIBEL!
Laugh all you want, but the Jet/Shark feud is wreaking havoc on us all. Jazz Tap havoc.
It is a quick and slippery slope from one square dance to a mosh pit to sympathy for the devil.
Truly, square dancing is a gateway dance.
Might as well. Can't dance.
And here I thought pool was the problem, stupid me.
I know for a fact a lot of those olds living in Florida used to dance way back in their youths. But now that their hips etc. are shot, damn if they're going to let anyone else have any fun! This seems to be the spirit of America nowadays.
Hey, Chef Eric. That third paragraph has a bit too much Onion in it.
I guess in Weston your momma can't dance and your daddy can't rock n roll.
more on Hizzoner Hersh…..
http://www.browardbulldog.org/2010/12/weston-mayo…
♫ You can't dance
You can't jive
Having the worst time
Of your life ♫
From the Sun Sentinel article:
This expresses my idea of suburbia. Whatever differs from it, to the extent of the difference, is no suburb.
This doesn't go far enough. The real solution is to ban fucking while you're standing up, because everyone knows that that's the real cause of dancing.
"Dance, dance,
reNOLOVEution""How you gonna know if dancing is really banned by standing on the wall?
Get your back off against the wall"
-Kool and "THE GANG"-
Not surprisingly, Weston ranked 19th in the Money Magazine list of America's wealthiest cities by per capita income
Tsk! Erik missed the best part:
Those sneaky temporary skating rinks, shoving dance halls down their pants and sneaking them past security!
What if I want to set up a temporary rink to conceal a gun store, is that still OK?
As long as this means I can avoid receiving gifs of Jean Claude Van Damme shaking his moneymaker while wearing a wife beater then I fully support this.
If only they had done this in New York City, Tony and Riff would still be alive today.
And no more Elvis Prezzly and Beetle music.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus has been invited to be the Grand Marshall of next year's Sweet Fancy Moses parade.
If people want to dance, they should do it at home. In their private ballrooms.
And the Mayor will balance the budget by prohibiting singing.
I foresee a glut of Fla. motor vehicle renewals from Weston residents entering "FREE2SK8" onto their vanity plates, for some reason.
Take that, Roger Ebert! I bet you feel so stupid now, for reviewing the Footloose remake by saying that young moviegoers would never believe a plot point about a town banning dancing!
Er… maybe I should have just ended that sentence after "remake."
They're all olds in Florida. They won't stay alive much longer.
"I'M NOT DANCING. I HAVE TREMORS! GET OFF MY LAWN!"
I thought in Florida the only dancing one did was shimmying in and out of one's wheelchair without dislodging the oxygen nasal prongs.
When dancing is outlawed…
Next, Weston will cancel Basketball and Football watching. Including Superbowl Sunday.
This actually might be the most depressing thing I've read today, snark aside. It's not fair to deprive the kiddlies of their skating rinks. I have awesome memories of building my skating skills at a pretty young age. It was about as 'athletic' as I ever got, or sociable.
The article cites the mayor or whoever saying Hey, we still have the Y, and school dances, for the youngsters! Puke me a river. YMCA and school dances were the scenes for about the least savorable memories I ever hope to forget from my youth. I hope that mayor wakes up with an extra large size old-school roller skate in his bed (seriously– if you've ever been kicked by a foot w/ a skate on it, *almost* as painful as getting kicked by a horse)~
Kahs-wanian Vulcan Dick Clark is dead, yall. I think he was 354 yrs young. Romulan haters can suck a bag of Sector 3 vordrofian malshacs.
Dancing leads to crime? Perhaps it's the other way around. Perhaps they should ban crime.
When libruls talk about addressing the causes of crime, the Repubicans pat them on the head and say "There, there … it's nice you're trying so hard". But a wingnut says "not enough Jeebus" and (I'll bet) the Repubicans stroke their long gray beards and say "I think you're on to something". It's a double standard is what I'm saying.
Wait until the cool city kid moves in and gets together with the Mayor's daughter. All bets are off cause everybody's gonna get footloose!
It's just a jump to the left…
What about aerobics?
Or, heaven forefend, Pole Dancing for Jesus.
Hey, so long as they don't start insisting that I start pole dancing as well, let them do what they want.
Isn't it just the least surprising thing, ever, that this came out of Texas?
They KILLED Dick Clark.
YOU BASTARDS.
Now, if only Tampa Bay was to follow this, we would be either, A: spared the Dancing Rove, or B: watching him get tazed while being sent to Gitmo.
Dancing gets in the way of Broward's pastime of sitting, sweating, eating bacon fat and corn syrup.
(btw, I say this as I'm eating a BLT with a diet coke ).
BLT is actually nature's perfect food, because you get to eat the bacon, but the virtue contained in the lettuce and tomato cancel out the naughtiness of the bacon.
Indeed, it is the yīnyáng of food. And bacon is the naughty naughty yang.
The key question is: when you lift off the bread, how much B do you have to move before you glimpse the LT?
John Travolta may be gayer than Gay Gayerson, the Mayor of Gayville; but back in the day, he was HOT!!
That is all.
Unfortunately, up here in the other day, he is deranged.
I am continuously amazed at the utter stupidity of these conservative white asshats.
What the hell am I saying? It's Florida, stupid is a requirement for leadership down there!
What the fuck is it with older Americans? They act like they've got a raging case of galloping paresis. How I hate their hacking coughs and baleful stares.
I fucking hate your old people.
What?!? No Foxtrot? No Lindy Hop?
This is bad news for Lawrence Welk.
What would Ren McCormack do? Haha…Weston better watch out because the MJ's and crotch grabbers of the world are currently flocking to this future dancing oasis. Bout to tear shit up. http://bit.ly/J0pqTQ
This is why Baptists in Florida don't fuck standing up…
next up on the ban list: Skittles and Arizona tea….
Hey Wonk's and Wonkette's, let me tell you about a town named Weston, Florida!
Dun. Dah dun. Dah dun. Dah dundahdundah. Dun. Dah dun. Dah dun. Dah dundahdundah.
Note to Mr. Hersh: Dance Dance Revolution is not a offshoot of Occupy Wall Street.
Weston, Fl, where old people go to die as quietly as possible.
Oh, and get the fuck off my lawn!
So, apparently someone DOES put Baby in a corner.
Damn you! I missed your post even though it was immediately above the one I made. lol That's what I get for not going to the second page before I post.
Which proves he was muslin, since the Dead Sea Scrolls come from Muslinpotamia.
Nobody puts Buppie in a corner!
The kids these days with their Lady Goo-Goos and hep-hawp and Jaycees. What is the world coming too? Hengh? Now, the Andrews Sisters; those were some classy broads, some bully dames, I tells ya'.
It's going to be weird when Aesop Rock and Jamie Lidell will be that old timey music.
Up next, Zombie Bob Fosse with a different viewpoint.
Comments on this entry are closed.