hammertime

Florida Stops Dancing Thugs From Destroying Town

smoove criminalWeston, Florida – Floridians can breathe a sigh of relief and unlock their doors at night. There is no more need for police officers, and every senior citizen is now safe without the threat of being eaten by rap zombies. How did Weston create such an amazing utopia for its residents? How did they erase all crime and cause everyone to live in peace and harmony? Did they steal the playbook from Hidden Valley? The answer has been there the entire time and leaders around the world are kicking themselves in the asses for not thinking of it first. The answer to stopping all crime is to stop all dancing.

The mayor of Weston, Eric Hersh, handed down the decision recently, according to the Sun-Sentinel. The mayor said, “This is something that we thought would protect the city.” There have been more recorded incidents of violent dance related deaths in Weston in one day than all violent crimes combined throughout the country. The mayor didn’t have to think very hard to come up with the answer to the city’s crime issues.

Could dancing actually be the issue behind the crime happening in Weston? Dancing seems to only be the start. After much investigation into the horrific entertainment-related atrocities, it was discovered that criminal empires were popping up on almost every street corner. Empires such as roller skating rinks, discos and anywhere people are happy have become recognized as a threat to all. The move to halt these criminal empires has begun ridding the city of loathsome characters who wish to continue parading their disco deviance.

Residents who miss the crime can still go to neighboring Davie or Pembroke Pines for some forbidden lambadas. Both cities have skating rinks and nightclubs and cater to ‘those people.’ Weston stands strong in its decision, citing alcohol and drug use reported near or around some night clubs. It takes a strong leader to make a bold move against criminal entertainment king pins in small towns. [Sun Sentinel]

About the author

Erik Jay is currently unemployed, but has a history of managing various motels and quitting customer service jobs on day 1. He still feels accomplished graduating from a continuation high school in 1989.

View all articles by Erik Jay

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • nounverb911

    This is bad news for Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.

    • Ruhe

      No, it's okay. They're in Heaven already…and not just 'cause they're dancing cheek to cheek.

    • Negropolis

      Nah. They're dancing in heaven-and-hell, now. Apparently, hell has some nice dance halls.

  • meatlofer

    Dance till your crotch stinks!

    • OneDollarJuana

      Dang. That means I'll never dance.

  • Barb

    I'm dancing as fast as I can't.

  • DaRooster

    Footloose Libel!

    • nounverb911

      Paging Kevin Bacon, paging Kevin Bacon.

  • iburl

    Florida, where Alzheimers disease is actually a requirement for office.

    • nounverb911

      Needs more Ronnie Reagan.

  • BornInATrailer

    Will the movie be called Screwloose?

    • Troglodeity

      Weston Side Story.

      • BornInATrailer

        ..I just met a boy named skoal_rebeeeel..

  • hagajim

    Looks like the residents of Weston had better Disco Duck!

    • GOPCrusher

      Fucking Disco Sucks!

  • hagajim

    I'll be over here dancing with myself – thanks.

    • MrFizzy

      Is that what you're calling it now?

      • hagajim

        That's why it's a crime – amiright?

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      You and Billy Idol

    • SorosBot

      So let's sink another drink, 'cause it will give me time to thi-ink…

      • Swampgas_Man

        But I had some gas, and I let it pass,
        Now I'm Dancin' W/ Myself. . . .

    • Toomush_Infer

      Lying on the floor….again….?

  • nounverb911

    When does Hersh ban hoodie wearers?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Wait. Does that include pole dancing?

    Cuz I see where there might be an economic downturn in Florida's future

    • BornInATrailer

      Indeed. Like Mitt says, single mothers should enjoy the dignity of work.

  • CapnFatback

    FRUG LIFE!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Nicely played, sir!

      *polite golf clap*

      Martini?

      • CapnFatback

        "Make mine dirty," he said, bumping and grinding.

    • Baconzgood

      Very commendable my good man. QOTD worthy.

    • James Michael Curley

      That will make a lot of geriatric chiropractors rich.

  • UnholyMoses

    Somewhere, Kenny Loggins is crying.

    It's okay, though — he'll be alright.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Well, he did warn us in that prophetic tome "Your Momma Don't Dance"

      • UnholyMoses

        **sigh**

        If only daddy had rock and rolled. If only …

    • bagofmice

      You had better start saving for the royalty payments, 'cause you're in the danger zone. /archer

  • edgydrifter

    I blame all the immigrants from Brazil. Those Capoeira dudes will literally dance the shit out of you for looking at them wrong.

    • CapnFatback

      And all those carbon footprints!

  • Antispandex

    FINALLY a law I can get behind! No more, "Come on honey, one more dance. PLEEAZZZE!" No more embarrassing stares either…because let's face it, I don't even try, and when I do, it aint pretty!

  • widestanceromance

    What the hell does anyone in Florida have to dance about (other than seeing the state line in their rearview mirror)?

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      It's just a creative way to confuse the giant insects as you make your escape.

    • snarkycomments

      Not to rain on your parade, but doesn't seeing the Florida state line in your rearview mirror imply that you are now in either Georgia or Alabama?

      I guess if you had a rearview mirror on your boat, that might be worth dancing about…

      • Negropolis

        Wait, isn't Cuba off the coast of Florida?

        • widestanceromance

          And also to snarkycomments: This occurred to me some time after posting, and I am proud to be among you both who thought my comment through a little better than I did. Still, if one has left Florida, one is moving in the right direction, at least.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    They told them don't you ever dance around here
    Don't wanna see your steps, you shouldn't shake your rear
    The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear
    So beat it, just beat it

    You better stop, you better do what you can
    Don't wanna see no moves, don't dance to macho man
    You wanna just dance, better do what you can
    So beat it, but you wanna be bad

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Andrew Lloyd Webber is on line two, sir, he'd like to speak with you about a possible collaboration.

  • WiscDad

    I thought they burned down the Dirty Dancing resort.
    http://gothamist.com/2012/04/18/resort_from_dirty

    • MissTaken

      This is a good thing. That movie taught me the evils of dancing because you get pregnant and have an abortion and start lying to your parents. Sure, it all starts with just carrying a watermelon and next thing you know you're sexing up Patrick Swayze.

  • Limeylizzie

    OT Dick Clark has died.

    • ChernobylSoup

      And this post explains why he finally killed himself.

    • elviouslyqueer

      And Dick Cheney still lives. DAMMIT.

      /snark off

      That is really and truly very sad. My heart goes out to his family.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      You mean his body finally got the memo?

      Actually, not so OT. I give him a 75: good beat and easy to dance to

    • Poindexter718

      Not off topic at all!
      America's immortal DJ felled by the news! Can the causality be doubted? Now there is blood (or at least a runny cocktail of plasma, Botox and Plavix) on the hands of these Floridian dancebanners.

    • hagajim

      That's because they stopped the dancing and he had nowhere to go with his Bandstand. Actually, too bad, because I thought that dude would live forever.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        A long long time ago, I can still remember how that music used to make me smile

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Authorities report finding a portrait of a -41 year old Clark in a vault in his residence.

        • Toomush_Infer

          How could they tell it was him….it looked ancient….

          • Jus_Wonderin

            Oh, I realize the flaw in my post now. Dang. You got it right, the painting would be…a zillion years old looking.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Great. Now who's going to depress me every New Years Eve?

      • Limeylizzie

        Where do you live? I'll pop over.

        • BigSkullF*ckingDog

          Nice try. Unless you recently had a stroke and/or turned mormon, I think we would have a pretty good time.

    • BarackMyWorld

      THAT'S NOT OFF TOPIC!

  • Baconzgood

    Enter Kevin Bacon stage right to save the town.

    • CapnFatback

      Whichz good?

  • MissTaken

    And I thought that the Thursday Square Dance at the local nursing home was already as depressing as humanly possible.

  • SwanSwanH

    In other violent dance related news…

    Take your baby by the hair and pull her close and there there there /
    And take your baby by the ears and play upon her darkest fears /
    We were so in phase in our dance hall days /
    we were cool on craze. . . .

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I'm betting even Chunging your Wang in *private* is illegal.

    • tessiee

      It's so very funky,
      the Funky Western Civilization!
      You just grab your partner by the hair;
      throw her down, and leave her there…

    • Advn2rgirl

      And, on the dance/teasing tip…

      Another Saturday, another date
      She would be ready but she's always make them wait
      In the hallway, in anticipation
      He didn't know the night would end up in frustration
      He'd end up blowing all his wages for the week
      All for a cuddle and a peck on the cheek

      Come dancing
      That's how they did it when I was just a kid
      And when they said come dancing
      My sister always did.

  • MissTaken

    And just in time for Prom season!

    • SorosBot

      "Now everybody – stand still next to your date and fidget awkwardly!"

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        "But Principal Melvin! I wasn't dancing! I was picking my nose and I got caught on a hair!"

      • tessiee

        If my memory of most school dances serves, that's pretty much what everybody did anyway.

    • DaRooster

      Saves on dresses…
      Sheesh, they have some cheap ass Dads down there.

    • Guppy

      Halelujah!

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    They tried that in Mrs. weejee's home town of Linden, WA years ago and it didn't work. Obvs, then they banned sex standing up as it could lead to dancing.

  • UnholyMoses

    Wait — does this law only apply to white people?

    If so, I'm starting to think there's a silver lining here …

  • Schmannnity

    If you have never been there, this is not the first step. Previously, they banned people darker than Mitt Romney.

    • Swampgas_Man

      John Boehnner was run out of town on a rail.

  • Troglodeity

    Does the law ban line dancing, and country-western dancing? If so, I'm all for it.

  • coolhandnuke

    Boogaloo Shrimp wrapped in Kevin Bacon is a forbidden delicacy in my town.

  • MrFizzy

    What will the Dancing Queen Lindsey Graham do if he goes to Florida?

    • elviouslyqueer

      The horizontal mambo with the nearest poolboy?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Don't worry. There will be special accomodations made in South Beach for legislators and private dance "clubs" where the boys will be hot and the gin even hotter.

  • Callyson

    Did they make an exception for Riverdance? Because, as someone else put it, that involves dancing for white people who don't move their genitals. Should be safe enough…

  • bumfug

    And the cost of a permit for singin' in the rain is prohibitive.

  • RedneckMuslin

    This has been a problem since the Sharks and the Jets from Westside Story started retiring.

  • SorosBot

    Whew! Now I won't have to embarrass myself with my pathetic white guy attempts to dance anymore.

  • ttommyunger

    What next, banning the wet mumu contests just because of a few bleeding eye sockets?

  • UnholyMoses

    Relevant: Dick Clark, RIP.

  • MissTaken

    The Lambada is the forbidden dance yet again.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      If only it would take the Macarena with it.

    • SorosBot

      And here I thought it was just the forgotten dance these days.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Just when you think FL can't get any screwier. Check and mate, AZ.

    • DaRooster

      From what I know of AZ…

      It is only check…

  • OneDollarJuana

    I read a bit further and found that gun crimes in night clubs are on the rise in South Florida. Gee, "shoot first" laws and loose gun ownership laws lead to increasing gun crime. Whoda thunk it?

    • Iam_Who_Iam

      If you hadn't of gotten to it first I was going to comment on that as well. But of course our liberal minds have mucked up the logic, it certainly has nothing to do with anything like the Stand Your Ground Law, obviously the problem is those pesky dance clubs.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Weston, Florida just dodged a huge influx of Sufis.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Kevin Bacon is not amused!

  • MrFizzy

    OT is the P score machine broken? Used to be I could just put some meaningless horseshit like this up every day, and the score would inexorably go up. Seems like there's some requirement for quality now. What's going on – ain't this 'Merca still?

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      I wasn't sure at first what to suggest, since pee stopped climbing w/ any predictability for me some time ago. Then I just posted my 2800th comment and suddenly I'm at 111p. I have no idea if that has to do with anything but it is oddly coincidental. If you're approaching a "round number" in # of comments, & can keep posting regularly with snark worthy of others' thumbs see if something doesn't happen. Welcome in- advance to the "matchsticks" club, I'll keep a seat at the table ready for you~

      • SorosBot

        It seems like the higher your P gets, the slower it continues to grow. Or the further away from 0 – after metamarcist was banned from Breitbart, his slowly got higher until he passed -100, then it fairly quickly jumped up to 0.

        • elviouslyqueer

          Says the robot with the stratospheric p-ness.

          *grumbles; takes toys and goes home*

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      My pee was at 108 for a long time, then it went to 107 for a few months, and now it's back to 108. Can't explain it.

  • Baconzgood

    There's a "Breakin' " snark in there but I can't flush it out….Or maybe it's not that there is a snark there but that I love Breakin' sooooo much. BESTEST MOVIE WITHOUT BRUCE CAMPBELL EVAR!

    • CapnFatback

      Join us next time for

      Apparently, There Was Stopping Them

      OR

      Pop and Glock!

    • MissTaken

      Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo LIBEL!

  • beardooooo

    Laugh all you want, but the Jet/Shark feud is wreaking havoc on us all. Jazz Tap havoc.

  • coolhandnuke

    It is a quick and slippery slope from one square dance to a mosh pit to sympathy for the devil.

    • Negropolis

      Truly, square dancing is a gateway dance.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Might as well. Can't dance.

  • barto

    And here I thought pool was the problem, stupid me.

  • BlueStateLibel

    I know for a fact a lot of those olds living in Florida used to dance way back in their youths. But now that their hips etc. are shot, damn if they're going to let anyone else have any fun! This seems to be the spirit of America nowadays.

  • Ruhe

    Hey, Chef Eric. That third paragraph has a bit too much Onion in it.

  • hagajim

    I guess in Weston your momma can't dance and your daddy can't rock n roll.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    more on Hizzoner Hersh…..

    As a member of the county’s Resource Recovery Board, Weston Mayor Eric Hersh was the chief negotiator and driving force behind Broward’s controversial $1.5 billion garbage deal……………………………………[and also too]
    ….last year as part of a settlement of agency findings that while working at Raymond James & Associates in Weston “he engaged in conduct in violation of (the state’s) Securities and Investor Protection Act.” Hersh worked there from 1997 to April 2009.

    http://www.browardbulldog.org/2010/12/weston-mayo

  • MissTaken

    ♫ You can't dance
    You can't jive
    Having the worst time
    Of your life ♫

  • V572 Fehrnstrom

    From the Sun Sentinel article:

    Nightclubs, dance halls and skating rinks all attract "large crowds" on a nightly basis, the new law says, which can cause traffic and noise problems for residents and businesses nearby and strain city resources.

    This expresses my idea of suburbia. Whatever differs from it, to the extent of the difference, is no suburb.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    This doesn't go far enough. The real solution is to ban fucking while you're standing up, because everyone knows that that's the real cause of dancing.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    "Dance, dance, reNOLOVEution"

  • Baconzgood

    "How you gonna know if dancing is really banned by standing on the wall?
    Get your back off against the wall"

    -Kool and "THE GANG"-

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Not surprisingly, Weston ranked 19th in the Money Magazine list of America's wealthiest cities by per capita income

  • sullivanst

    Tsk! Erik missed the best part:

    The commission specifically banned those kinds of businesses, and skating rinks, to prevent a temporary rink from being used conceal a nightclub or dance hall

    Those sneaky temporary skating rinks, shoving dance halls down their pants and sneaking them past security!

    • Wile E. Quixote

      What if I want to set up a temporary rink to conceal a gun store, is that still OK?

  • MissTaken

    As long as this means I can avoid receiving gifs of Jean Claude Van Damme shaking his moneymaker while wearing a wife beater then I fully support this.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    If only they had done this in New York City, Tony and Riff would still be alive today.

  • owhatever

    And no more Elvis Prezzly and Beetle music.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Julia Louis-Dreyfus has been invited to be the Grand Marshall of next year's Sweet Fancy Moses parade.

  • Nostrildamus

    If people want to dance, they should do it at home. In their private ballrooms.

  • Come here a minute

    And the Mayor will balance the budget by prohibiting singing.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    I foresee a glut of Fla. motor vehicle renewals from Weston residents entering "FREE2SK8" onto their vanity plates, for some reason.

  • dinkybossetti

    Take that, Roger Ebert! I bet you feel so stupid now, for reviewing the Footloose remake by saying that young moviegoers would never believe a plot point about a town banning dancing!

    Er… maybe I should have just ended that sentence after "remake."

  • PubOption

    They're all olds in Florida. They won't stay alive much longer.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "I'M NOT DANCING. I HAVE TREMORS! GET OFF MY LAWN!"

  • mavenmaven

    I thought in Florida the only dancing one did was shimmying in and out of one's wheelchair without dislodging the oxygen nasal prongs.

  • Tundra Grifter

    When dancing is outlawed…

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Next, Weston will cancel Basketball and Football watching. Including Superbowl Sunday.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    This actually might be the most depressing thing I've read today, snark aside. It's not fair to deprive the kiddlies of their skating rinks. I have awesome memories of building my skating skills at a pretty young age. It was about as 'athletic' as I ever got, or sociable.
    The article cites the mayor or whoever saying Hey, we still have the Y, and school dances, for the youngsters! Puke me a river. YMCA and school dances were the scenes for about the least savorable memories I ever hope to forget from my youth. I hope that mayor wakes up with an extra large size old-school roller skate in his bed (seriously– if you've ever been kicked by a foot w/ a skate on it, *almost* as painful as getting kicked by a horse)~

  • ElPinche

    Kahs-wanian Vulcan Dick Clark is dead, yall. I think he was 354 yrs young. Romulan haters can suck a bag of Sector 3 vordrofian malshacs.

  • JustPixelz

    Dancing leads to crime? Perhaps it's the other way around. Perhaps they should ban crime.

    When libruls talk about addressing the causes of crime, the Repubicans pat them on the head and say "There, there … it's nice you're trying so hard". But a wingnut says "not enough Jeebus" and (I'll bet) the Repubicans stroke their long gray beards and say "I think you're on to something". It's a double standard is what I'm saying.

  • gingerland62

    Wait until the cool city kid moves in and gets together with the Mayor's daughter. All bets are off cause everybody's gonna get footloose!

  • SorosBot

    It's just a jump to the left…

  • Guppy

    What about aerobics?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Or, heaven forefend, Pole Dancing for Jesus.

      • Guppy

        Hey, so long as they don't start insisting that I start pole dancing as well, let them do what they want.

      • Negropolis

        Isn't it just the least surprising thing, ever, that this came out of Texas?

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    They KILLED Dick Clark.

    • elviouslyqueer

      YOU BASTARDS.

  • widestanceromance

    Now, if only Tampa Bay was to follow this, we would be either, A: spared the Dancing Rove, or B: watching him get tazed while being sent to Gitmo.

  • ElPinche

    Dancing gets in the way of Broward's pastime of sitting, sweating, eating bacon fat and corn syrup.

    (btw, I say this as I'm eating a BLT with a diet coke ).

    • tessiee

      BLT is actually nature's perfect food, because you get to eat the bacon, but the virtue contained in the lettuce and tomato cancel out the naughtiness of the bacon.

      • ElPinche

        Indeed, it is the yīnyáng of food. And bacon is the naughty naughty yang.

        • George Spelvin

          The key question is: when you lift off the bread, how much B do you have to move before you glimpse the LT?

  • tessiee

    John Travolta may be gayer than Gay Gayerson, the Mayor of Gayville; but back in the day, he was HOT!!
    That is all.

    • George Spelvin

      Unfortunately, up here in the other day, he is deranged.

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    I am continuously amazed at the utter stupidity of these conservative white asshats.

    What the hell am I saying? It's Florida, stupid is a requirement for leadership down there!

  • SaintRond

    What the fuck is it with older Americans? They act like they've got a raging case of galloping paresis. How I hate their hacking coughs and baleful stares.

    I fucking hate your old people.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    What?!? No Foxtrot? No Lindy Hop?

    This is bad news for Lawrence Welk.

  • He1senberg

    What would Ren McCormack do? Haha…Weston better watch out because the MJ's and crotch grabbers of the world are currently flocking to this future dancing oasis. Bout to tear shit up. http://bit.ly/J0pqTQ

  • DahBoner

    This is why Baptists in Florida don't fuck standing up…

  • johnnymeatworth

    next up on the ban list: Skittles and Arizona tea….

  • a_pink_poodle

    Hey Wonk's and Wonkette's, let me tell you about a town named Weston, Florida!

    Dun. Dah dun. Dah dun. Dah dundahdundah. Dun. Dah dun. Dah dun. Dah dundahdundah.

  • snarkycomments

    Note to Mr. Hersh: Dance Dance Revolution is not a offshoot of Occupy Wall Street.

  • comrad_darkness

    Weston, Fl, where old people go to die as quietly as possible.

    Oh, and get the fuck off my lawn!

  • tessiee

    So, apparently someone DOES put Baby in a corner.

    • Negropolis

      Damn you! I missed your post even though it was immediately above the one I made. lol That's what I get for not going to the second page before I post.

  • tessiee

    Which proves he was muslin, since the Dead Sea Scrolls come from Muslinpotamia.

  • Negropolis

    Nobody puts Buppie in a corner!

  • Negropolis

    The kids these days with their Lady Goo-Goos and hep-hawp and Jaycees. What is the world coming too? Hengh? Now, the Andrews Sisters; those were some classy broads, some bully dames, I tells ya'.

    • ElPinche

      It's going to be weird when Aesop Rock and Jamie Lidell will be that old timey music.

  • elgin_pelican

    Up next, Zombie Bob Fosse with a different viewpoint.