hammertime

Florida Stops Dancing Thugs From Destroying Town

smoove criminalWeston, Florida – Floridians can breathe a sigh of relief and unlock their doors at night. There is no more need for police officers, and every senior citizen is now safe without the threat of being eaten by rap zombies. How did Weston create such an amazing utopia for its residents? How did they erase all crime and cause everyone to live in peace and harmony? Did they steal the playbook from Hidden Valley? The answer has been there the entire time and leaders around the world are kicking themselves in the asses for not thinking of it first. The answer to stopping all crime is to stop all dancing.

The mayor of Weston, Eric Hersh, handed down the decision recently, according to the Sun-Sentinel. The mayor said, “This is something that we thought would protect the city.” There have been more recorded incidents of violent dance related deaths in Weston in one day than all violent crimes combined throughout the country. The mayor didn’t have to think very hard to come up with the answer to the city’s crime issues.

Could dancing actually be the issue behind the crime happening in Weston? Dancing seems to only be the start. After much investigation into the horrific entertainment-related atrocities, it was discovered that criminal empires were popping up on almost every street corner. Empires such as roller skating rinks, discos and anywhere people are happy have become recognized as a threat to all. The move to halt these criminal empires has begun ridding the city of loathsome characters who wish to continue parading their disco deviance.

Residents who miss the crime can still go to neighboring Davie or Pembroke Pines for some forbidden lambadas. Both cities have skating rinks and nightclubs and cater to ‘those people.’ Weston stands strong in its decision, citing alcohol and drug use reported near or around some night clubs. It takes a strong leader to make a bold move against criminal entertainment king pins in small towns. [Sun Sentinel]

About the author

Erik Jay is currently unemployed, but has a history of managing various motels and quitting customer service jobs on day 1. He still feels accomplished graduating from a continuation high school in 1989.

View all articles by Erik Jay
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175 comments

    1. Ruhe

      No, it's okay. They're in Heaven already…and not just 'cause they're dancing cheek to cheek.

    1. bagofmice

      You had better start saving for the royalty payments, 'cause you're in the danger zone. /archer

  1. edgydrifter

    I blame all the immigrants from Brazil. Those Capoeira dudes will literally dance the shit out of you for looking at them wrong.

  2. Antispandex

    FINALLY a law I can get behind! No more, "Come on honey, one more dance. PLEEAZZZE!" No more embarrassing stares either…because let's face it, I don't even try, and when I do, it aint pretty!

  3. widestanceromance

    What the hell does anyone in Florida have to dance about (other than seeing the state line in their rearview mirror)?

    1. snarkycomments

      Not to rain on your parade, but doesn't seeing the Florida state line in your rearview mirror imply that you are now in either Georgia or Alabama?

      I guess if you had a rearview mirror on your boat, that might be worth dancing about…

        1. widestanceromance

          And also to snarkycomments: This occurred to me some time after posting, and I am proud to be among you both who thought my comment through a little better than I did. Still, if one has left Florida, one is moving in the right direction, at least.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    They told them don't you ever dance around here
    Don't wanna see your steps, you shouldn't shake your rear
    The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear
    So beat it, just beat it

    You better stop, you better do what you can
    Don't wanna see no moves, don't dance to macho man
    You wanna just dance, better do what you can
    So beat it, but you wanna be bad

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Andrew Lloyd Webber is on line two, sir, he'd like to speak with you about a possible collaboration.

    1. MissTaken

      This is a good thing. That movie taught me the evils of dancing because you get pregnant and have an abortion and start lying to your parents. Sure, it all starts with just carrying a watermelon and next thing you know you're sexing up Patrick Swayze.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      And Dick Cheney still lives. DAMMIT.

      /snark off

      That is really and truly very sad. My heart goes out to his family.

    2. Poindexter718

      Not off topic at all!
      America's immortal DJ felled by the news! Can the causality be doubted? Now there is blood (or at least a runny cocktail of plasma, Botox and Plavix) on the hands of these Floridian dancebanners.

    3. hagajim

      That's because they stopped the dancing and he had nowhere to go with his Bandstand. Actually, too bad, because I thought that dude would live forever.

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        Authorities report finding a portrait of a -41 year old Clark in a vault in his residence.

          1. Jus_Wonderin

            Oh, I realize the flaw in my post now. Dang. You got it right, the painting would be…a zillion years old looking.

        1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

          Nice try. Unless you recently had a stroke and/or turned mormon, I think we would have a pretty good time.

  5. MissTaken

    And I thought that the Thursday Square Dance at the local nursing home was already as depressing as humanly possible.

  6. SwanSwanH

    In other violent dance related news…

    Take your baby by the hair and pull her close and there there there /
    And take your baby by the ears and play upon her darkest fears /
    We were so in phase in our dance hall days /
    we were cool on craze. . . .

    1. tessiee

      It's so very funky,
      the Funky Western Civilization!
      You just grab your partner by the hair;
      throw her down, and leave her there…

    2. Advn2rgirl

      And, on the dance/teasing tip…

      Another Saturday, another date
      She would be ready but she's always make them wait
      In the hallway, in anticipation
      He didn't know the night would end up in frustration
      He'd end up blowing all his wages for the week
      All for a cuddle and a peck on the cheek

      Come dancing
      That's how they did it when I was just a kid
      And when they said come dancing
      My sister always did.

  7. weejee

    They tried that in Mrs. weejee's home town of Linden, WA years ago and it didn't work. Obvs, then they banned sex standing up as it could lead to dancing.

  8. UnholyMoses

    Wait — does this law only apply to white people?

    If so, I'm starting to think there's a silver lining here …

  9. Schmannnity

    If you have never been there, this is not the first step. Previously, they banned people darker than Mitt Romney.

    1. actor212

      Don't worry. There will be special accomodations made in South Beach for legislators and private dance "clubs" where the boys will be hot and the gin even hotter.

  10. Callyson

    Did they make an exception for Riverdance? Because, as someone else put it, that involves dancing for white people who don't move their genitals. Should be safe enough…

  11. RedneckMuslin

    This has been a problem since the Sharks and the Jets from Westside Story started retiring.

  12. SorosBot

    Whew! Now I won't have to embarrass myself with my pathetic white guy attempts to dance anymore.

  13. OneDollarJuana

    I read a bit further and found that gun crimes in night clubs are on the rise in South Florida. Gee, "shoot first" laws and loose gun ownership laws lead to increasing gun crime. Whoda thunk it?

    1. Iam_Who_Iam

      If you hadn't of gotten to it first I was going to comment on that as well. But of course our liberal minds have mucked up the logic, it certainly has nothing to do with anything like the Stand Your Ground Law, obviously the problem is those pesky dance clubs.

  14. MrFizzy

    OT is the P score machine broken? Used to be I could just put some meaningless horseshit like this up every day, and the score would inexorably go up. Seems like there's some requirement for quality now. What's going on – ain't this 'Merca still?

    1. Mumbletypeg

      I wasn't sure at first what to suggest, since pee stopped climbing w/ any predictability for me some time ago. Then I just posted my 2800th comment and suddenly I'm at 111p. I have no idea if that has to do with anything but it is oddly coincidental. If you're approaching a "round number" in # of comments, & can keep posting regularly with snark worthy of others' thumbs see if something doesn't happen. Welcome in- advance to the "matchsticks" club, I'll keep a seat at the table ready for you~

      1. SorosBot

        It seems like the higher your P gets, the slower it continues to grow. Or the further away from 0 – after metamarcist was banned from Breitbart, his slowly got higher until he passed -100, then it fairly quickly jumped up to 0.

  15. Baconzgood

    There's a "Breakin' " snark in there but I can't flush it out….Or maybe it's not that there is a snark there but that I love Breakin' sooooo much. BESTEST MOVIE WITHOUT BRUCE CAMPBELL EVAR!

  16. beardooooo

    Laugh all you want, but the Jet/Shark feud is wreaking havoc on us all. Jazz Tap havoc.

  17. coolhandnuke

    It is a quick and slippery slope from one square dance to a mosh pit to sympathy for the devil.

  18. BlueStateLibel

    I know for a fact a lot of those olds living in Florida used to dance way back in their youths. But now that their hips etc. are shot, damn if they're going to let anyone else have any fun! This seems to be the spirit of America nowadays.

  19. Blueb4sunrise

    more on Hizzoner Hersh…..

    As a member of the county’s Resource Recovery Board, Weston Mayor Eric Hersh was the chief negotiator and driving force behind Broward’s controversial $1.5 billion garbage deal……………………………………[and also too]
    ….last year as part of a settlement of agency findings that while working at Raymond James & Associates in Weston “he engaged in conduct in violation of (the state’s) Securities and Investor Protection Act.” Hersh worked there from 1997 to April 2009.

    http://www.browardbulldog.org/2010/12/weston-mayo

  20. V572 Fehrnstrom

    From the Sun Sentinel article:

    Nightclubs, dance halls and skating rinks all attract "large crowds" on a nightly basis, the new law says, which can cause traffic and noise problems for residents and businesses nearby and strain city resources.

    This expresses my idea of suburbia. Whatever differs from it, to the extent of the difference, is no suburb.

  21. Wile E. Quixote

    This doesn't go far enough. The real solution is to ban fucking while you're standing up, because everyone knows that that's the real cause of dancing.

  22. Baconzgood

    "How you gonna know if dancing is really banned by standing on the wall?
    Get your back off against the wall"

    -Kool and "THE GANG"-

  23. sullivanst

    Tsk! Erik missed the best part:

    The commission specifically banned those kinds of businesses, and skating rinks, to prevent a temporary rink from being used conceal a nightclub or dance hall

    Those sneaky temporary skating rinks, shoving dance halls down their pants and sneaking them past security!

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      What if I want to set up a temporary rink to conceal a gun store, is that still OK?

  24. MissTaken

    As long as this means I can avoid receiving gifs of Jean Claude Van Damme shaking his moneymaker while wearing a wife beater then I fully support this.

  25. dinkybossetti

    Take that, Roger Ebert! I bet you feel so stupid now, for reviewing the Footloose remake by saying that young moviegoers would never believe a plot point about a town banning dancing!

    Er… maybe I should have just ended that sentence after "remake."

  26. mavenmaven

    I thought in Florida the only dancing one did was shimmying in and out of one's wheelchair without dislodging the oxygen nasal prongs.

  27. Mumbletypeg

    This actually might be the most depressing thing I've read today, snark aside. It's not fair to deprive the kiddlies of their skating rinks. I have awesome memories of building my skating skills at a pretty young age. It was about as 'athletic' as I ever got, or sociable.
    The article cites the mayor or whoever saying Hey, we still have the Y, and school dances, for the youngsters! Puke me a river. YMCA and school dances were the scenes for about the least savorable memories I ever hope to forget from my youth. I hope that mayor wakes up with an extra large size old-school roller skate in his bed (seriously– if you've ever been kicked by a foot w/ a skate on it, *almost* as painful as getting kicked by a horse)~

  28. ElPinche

    Kahs-wanian Vulcan Dick Clark is dead, yall. I think he was 354 yrs young. Romulan haters can suck a bag of Sector 3 vordrofian malshacs.

  29. JustPixelz

    Dancing leads to crime? Perhaps it's the other way around. Perhaps they should ban crime.

    When libruls talk about addressing the causes of crime, the Repubicans pat them on the head and say "There, there … it's nice you're trying so hard". But a wingnut says "not enough Jeebus" and (I'll bet) the Repubicans stroke their long gray beards and say "I think you're on to something". It's a double standard is what I'm saying.

  30. gingerland62

    Wait until the cool city kid moves in and gets together with the Mayor's daughter. All bets are off cause everybody's gonna get footloose!

      1. Guppy

        Hey, so long as they don't start insisting that I start pole dancing as well, let them do what they want.

  31. widestanceromance

    Now, if only Tampa Bay was to follow this, we would be either, A: spared the Dancing Rove, or B: watching him get tazed while being sent to Gitmo.

  32. ElPinche

    Dancing gets in the way of Broward's pastime of sitting, sweating, eating bacon fat and corn syrup.

    (btw, I say this as I'm eating a BLT with a diet coke ).

    1. tessiee

      BLT is actually nature's perfect food, because you get to eat the bacon, but the virtue contained in the lettuce and tomato cancel out the naughtiness of the bacon.

        1. George Spelvin

          The key question is: when you lift off the bread, how much B do you have to move before you glimpse the LT?

  33. tessiee

    John Travolta may be gayer than Gay Gayerson, the Mayor of Gayville; but back in the day, he was HOT!!
    That is all.

  34. outragedcitizen

    I am continuously amazed at the utter stupidity of these conservative white asshats.

    What the hell am I saying? It's Florida, stupid is a requirement for leadership down there!

  35. SaintRond

    What the fuck is it with older Americans? They act like they've got a raging case of galloping paresis. How I hate their hacking coughs and baleful stares.

    I fucking hate your old people.

  36. He1senberg

    What would Ren McCormack do? Haha…Weston better watch out because the MJ's and crotch grabbers of the world are currently flocking to this future dancing oasis. Bout to tear shit up. http://bit.ly/J0pqTQ

  37. a_pink_poodle

    Hey Wonk's and Wonkette's, let me tell you about a town named Weston, Florida!

    Dun. Dah dun. Dah dun. Dah dundahdundah. Dun. Dah dun. Dah dun. Dah dundahdundah.

  38. comrad_darkness

    Weston, Fl, where old people go to die as quietly as possible.

    Oh, and get the fuck off my lawn!

    1. Negropolis

      Damn you! I missed your post even though it was immediately above the one I made. lol That's what I get for not going to the second page before I post.

  39. Negropolis

    The kids these days with their Lady Goo-Goos and hep-hawp and Jaycees. What is the world coming too? Hengh? Now, the Andrews Sisters; those were some classy broads, some bully dames, I tells ya'.

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