The number one greatest reason for Newt Gingrich to continue to fill up precious air time in the nation’s collective unconscious is so we can still come across newswire ledes like this one: “At least one penguin at the St. Louis Zoo appears to be a feisty opponent of Newt Gingrich.” This is great because we can then consider questions like, “Who has won, between the two opponents, the fat bird brain or the penguin?” and then chuckle to ourselves for asking silly questions in the first place.
In this as in all other matters, Newt Gingrich was forced to retreat damaged and in shame:
The Republican presidential candidate is sporting a small bandage on his finger after getting nipped by a small penguin during his tour of the zoo on Friday. Gingrich was in St. Louis to speak during the National Rifle Association’s annual meeting.
No word on whether the carnivorous penguin has survived the food poisoning.
[AP; thanks to Wonkette operative "Fred M."]
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Was it his middle finger?
Did Newt swear witnesses to silence the way Sarah swore the Secret Service to silence when she fell on her run and then told the world about this career-ending secret? No, not the one about Bristol. . .
http://wonkette.com/409592/sarah-palin-finally-re…
[See avatar, above left]
In point of fact, all of Newt's fingers are middle fingers. It's who he is, and why he's so good at what he does.
…and the bite caused him to admit he sucks and probably won't get the nomination…for that he'll declare all year to be open season on penguins at the NRA love fest
Carl Levin's Lesbian Penguin Partner has had ENOUGH – Obvs.
http://wonkette.com/469813/sen-ron-johnson-consid…
It was probably one of those gay penguins.
Is the penguin ok? That's a lot of resentment and bitter, bitter bile for one little bird.
Wouldn't a penguin naturally want to attack a walrus?
Goo goo goo joob.
Newt should have visited the Komodo Dragon exhibit. I hear they are fun playmates; he should just ask Sharon Stone's ex-husband.
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/…
Mouth full of highly toxic infections. Soulmates!
LETS GO PENS!
Yes, let's go Pens! They are down 3-0 in the Stanley cup to my Flyers. I hope a penguin eats Sidney Crosby.
They have a strategy. They're lulling you into overconfidence by letting you score a shit load of goals.
Morning Baconz! You may be right. Now that I've gone to Amazon.com and ordered a whole new team Flyers wardrobe they will probably lose.
Some nun bit Newt? Was that you Sister Caligula? Misplaced your ruler did you?
/ rubs phantom pain in knuckles of evil left hand that was once known to pick-up pencils, crayons, and forks.
true story:
So I'm at a temp job assignment where I'm working at the front desk, and there are two people waiting in the lobby — an elderly nun in a wheelchair and a generic middle aged guy. Except the guy is one of those loudmouth jackasses who gives everybody a hard time and he *would not shut up*. I usually don't even *like* nuns, but he *would not leave the poor old girl alone*.
Finally, I caught her eye, handed her a ruler from my desk drawer, and just said, "Go for it, Sister."
Everyone cracked up, even the guy.
I hope, for the penguins sake, that it wasn't his thumb, because that tastes like his ass.
Geniuz!
Gingrich's hypocritical attacks on Penguin Lust have clearly not been well received.
Mitt Romney was overheard, on a microphone that he didn't think was live, saying Penguin lust is NOT "immoral and wicked." And anybody who thinks so is just an old prude… It's beautiful! And natural! And I for one fully support penguin lust!
After the American Family Association called for a third-party challenger to the former Massachusetts governor, Romney announced that he meant to say that Penguin Lust is the chief evil facing America today. A penguin then bit him, too.
How much did the penguin have to pay his campaign for the privilege of pecking him?
Holy icebergs, Newt! You're lucky he didn't hit you with his umbrella!
What a bargain! Newt has to pay Callista a Tiffany necklace before she'll put him in her mouth.
Oh god eye bleach needed now
Just a reminder to conservatives that, as the climate continues to warm, the polar bears, penguins, and walruses are coming for YOUR asses. (Us, too, by the way).
Attorneys for right-wing financier Oswald Cobblepot had no comment on the incident.
Newt! Its the other white meat!
He's whiter (and softer) than tofu, but not as healthy.
They tried Mitt but he was too lean and stringy.
He's better in a slow-cooker, something like the roof of a car for 12 hours.
I fucking love penguins.
Penguins and puffins are both awesome.
Yes, and puffins. Just saying "puffins" makes me smile.
has anyone else noticed that 'f's' and 'l's' often make funny words? like puffin and kerfuffle and – ahem – fuflans?
Animals know. They just know.
It was my understanding that newts have no natural predators — too bitter.
And there's the back story for the next Batman movie villain.
'Infected by the blood of the vile politician, the penguin soon began to mutate in ways too horrible to imagine.'
Yeah, I could see it.
Just remember… Penguins is practically chickens.
Good news, everyone!
It was his diamond-buying hand.
Newt doesn't realize he's the endangered one.
"Gingrich was in St. Louis to speak during the National Rifle Association’s annual meeting."
So, the penguin story is just a clumsy lie to cover up, and the real bite was a hickey from Ted Nugent.
Too bad penguins are such under achievers. Pingu? Next time, GO FOR THE EYES!
My idiot neighbor has a large, badly trained, and uncontrolled Rottweiler. I'm willing to make the sacrifice and have Newt visit my street.
So will Newt become a Were-Penguin? Half bird, half-asshole, born of two worlds welcome in neither? Will we next see him in a jaunty little tuxedo?
Come to think of it, half-asshole would be a step up for Newt.
Mandatory Burgess Meredith reference.
While attending the NRA convention? I'm just surprised no one opened fire. Plenty of opportunities for "big game" hunting, right there.
I didn't know penguins were coprophagous.
Two penguins, one Newt.
Was it one of those famous gay penguins? That would make it even better.
"We're gonna need a bigger beak."
Jimmy Carter's killer rabbit, who retired in 1979, expressed approval.
In this as in all other matters, Newt Gingrich was forced to retreat damaged and in shame.
this is a meme for the ages.
"nipped by a small penguin" – is that what they're calling it these days?
And some say animals don't have souls…
Today we are all Penguins!!
The penguin was probably attracted to Newt by the albatross around his neck and her shiny accessories.
I hope the penguin was checked for infection.
Shoulda been one of those exploding penguins.
Ah St. Louis – land of terrible politics, urban sprawl, and a fucking amazing Zoo.
Newt's finger probably smelled like fish.
So the prick got attacked by the pecker.
But I loved you in "Happy Feet."
Probably told the bird he had 'volunteered' it as the new Birds Eye spokespenguin so it wouldn't be mooching off the gubmint any more.
I guess the penguin wasn't as easy as Callista.
"No word on whether the carnivorous penguin has survived the food poisoning"
err well.. all penguins ARE carnivors… eat fish and krill.. you know.
As I've previously tweeted, the Penguin was observed licking his ass for twenty minutes afterward trying to get the taste out of his mouth.
Explained a chagrined Newt, "My bad. I saw that glossy pelt and assumed it was Callista."
Speaking as someone who was bitten on the finger by an ostrich at the zoo as a small child and traumatized, this is COMPLETELY FUCKING HILARIOUS.
Yea, did the lord's winged (yet flightless) host deliver his message unto the Newt: Bite me.
He told the penquin that his campaign was so broke, he hadn't had a bite for days.
I was laughing at this! Although I am part of a birding wa, I still though this is something to smile about. But of course this is too harsh on Gingrich, let's try a less scary one next time.
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