Friendly Republicans Offer To Help Obama Out By Looking Into This Whole Hooker Thing For Him

  Republicans Poking Around Again

HookergateA heated exchange between a prostitute and a Secret Service agent has led to an embarrassing situation for President Obama to deal with. It turns out eleven U.S. Secret Service agents and five military service members are under investigation and facing possible reprimand for allegedly cavorting with prostitutes and drinking excessively at a Colombian hotel ahead of President Obama’s visit to Colombia to explain that no he will never ever ever ever decriminalize drugs. If the investigation turns out to hold merit — and it is probably going to turn out to hold lots of merit, among other things it is holding — Obama is going to be pissed.

“If it turns out some of the allegations that have been made in the press are confirmed, then, of course, I’ll be angry,” he said, doing that thing where he tries and fails to do an impression of “angry.” He doesn’t need to get “angry.” He has people for that.

Luckily, Republicans have Obama’s back on this and are going to do whatever they can to preserve the dignity of the office of the president. Republicans came out swinging for Obama, explaining that the reports of agents bringing hookers to their hotel before Mr. Obama’s arrival made the agents vulnerable to blackmail and could still be threatening the president’s security.

Friends like Rep. Peter T. King, New York Republican and chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee, said he has directed his staff to launch an immediate investigation and wants to penetrate deep, thrusting advances towards the light at the end of the tunnel.

Republicans know a thing, or two, or three about upholding standards and are infamous for getting to the bottom of things. And when all else fails, they turn to God for the answer. And God is always right! But when Republican God isn’t available, Darrell Issa makes for an excellent stand-in.

Rep. Darrell E. Issa is a GOP icon and for good reason. He is serving as chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee and has a knack for simultaneously crying like a little girl and being a dick. He feels the agency’s leadership needs to be held accountable and hinted that the weekend incident wasn’t the first. Darrell Issa knows that one can not stop at just one crime.

“The investigation will not be about the 11 to 20 or more involved; it will be about how has this happened and how often has this happened before. Things like this don’t happen once.”

Aggressive action is already taking place and Republicans are making headway into the matter. GOP investigators have all but forgotten about the female prostitutes and are spending all of their time concentrating on the thought of five servicemen in a small hot hotel room alone on a Saturday night. This will be the focus of their investigation and resources may be needed for various re-enactments ensuring another quality Republican probe is finished. [WashTimes]

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About the author

Erik Jay is currently unemployed, but has a history of managing various motels and quitting customer service jobs on day 1. He still feels accomplished graduating from a continuation high school in 1989.

View all articles by Erik Jay

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186 comments

  1. Barb

    Some dickweed at Huffing Post last night was bitching about the fact that the Secret Service stays at the same hotel as the POTUS. Should they stay 14 miles down the road? Duh!

    1. Mojopo

      I'm so over HP, Barb. For the first time ever, I sent a note to complain about the moderators. I got a note back saying that they were worried someone might take a comment of mine wrong, in which I was asking about a politician's college background. WTF? Meanwhile, people with extra chromosomes are posting left and right (ex. the comment you saw), and the haters get to hate with impunity. I'm fucking over them and their tarded posse.

      1. Barb

        I appreciate your point of view, Mojo.
        There was a story about a 15 year-old girl in New Mexico who was outed by her school's administration because she was pregnant. The comments were SO horrible. The girl is from the Navajo Nation and the comments made me cringe.

        1. Mojopo

          I remember that. I wanted to find every one of those people and beat them with a tomato stick, with a nail driven into the end of it. It was repulsive. I believe I was called a lez and a whore for siding with the girl. Which I am, but STILL.

          1. Barb

            Love that my friend is a lez and a whore.
            No one who posted knows how poor the Navajo Nation is. Many of them still don't have water AT ALL.

      2. Callyson

        I'm close to being over HuffyPo myself. The haters on the Sandra Fluke and Trayvon Martin stories have been getting away with WAY too much crap (post-feminist/post-racial society my ass!), and they give you crap for *this*?

        They have a few writers that I like so I probably won't stay away entirely, but I know I've been spending less and less time with them.

          1. LionHeartSoyDog

            Naomi Klein has written for them, and that was always worth paying attention to.
            Since HuffpAol, content has gone downhill.

      3. Terry

        Oh, the "science" and "medical" reporting at HuffPost drove me off there a few years ago. Any kind of crackpot theory is floated as valid, assuming a celeb is blogging or otherwise talking about it.

        Uh, no.

    2. Callyson

      If the people who are paying the trolls on HuffyPo knew how utterly ridiculous (more so) they've been sounding lately, they'd save their money.

    3. Chet Kincaid

      I still take a look at HuffPo every day or so, but it's been years since I bothered looking at the comments. Every comment thread is 10,000 comments long, and the comment population is about 50/50 wingtard trolls and softheaded people slow on the uptake.

      1. Barb

        Chet, someone went on a rant and said that Palin is the Veep and McCain is the valid POTUS because Obama was NOT born in the U.S. Do they understand that his mom was a citizen and what that means.

        1. Chet Kincaid

          Combining troll AND softheaded, lol. But the other thing about HuffPo in the last year or two is how dumb, sensationalistic, and titillating their headlines have become. Click-whoring at its finest.

          1. Barb

            HuffPo is running a story about BeeGees singer, Robin Gibb's "bucket list"

            On my bucket list is to live to be 62 years-old, like Robin Gibb.

          2. Fare la Volpe

            Their life & style headlines are the worst. Just scrolling down the first page, you'll catch:

            PHOTOS: Emma Watson Wears Sheer Dress
            VIDEO: Model Dons Revealing String Bikini
            POLL: Kim Kardashian Shoots Ping Pong Balls from Vag

            Update: I hate when I'm proven right (I don't). On the front page right now is the screeching headline "PHOTOS: Heidi Klum Gets Naked." Honestly, fuck them right in the holes in their heads.

    1. Veritas78

      …which were simultaneous with his arsonist days. For Republicans, it's "Three Strikes and You're Elected!"

        1. sewollef

          In a sad, but real sense… that's what the Provisional IRA set out to be. Since they were attempting to get the occupying British army out of Ireland.

          Back in the day, as a whippersnapper I worked as a trainee photo journalist for one of the UK's national newspapers. I was sent to Derry a couple of times. The feeling of hatred there for the British and the Thatcher regime in particular, was palpable.

          In my first 5-day stint in Derry I witnessed British paratroopers assault a local catholic housing estate [searching for weapons, they said... intimidation we all believed since they trashed countless people's homes, arrested 'suspected terrorists' and terrified children]; there were at least a half a dozen bomb explosions; two brief firefights between Provos and the RUC/British army… and a couple of 'execution-style' killings. In less than a week.

          Derry and Belfast were war zones.

          Entering the city centre, meant walking through a caged entrance across the streets and being searched and humiliated while guns were aimed at you.

          In a very real sense, this was an occupying power and it's no wonder the kids in the North grew up wanting to kill the Brits.

          The catholic communities in the North had virtually no civil rights, their constituencies were gerrymandered so blatantly it was embarrassing. Protestants dominated all aspects of life, controlled the thugs in police uniform, the local council, housing, social services, virtually all employment opportunities [or lack of them] and used their power to keep the catholics 'out'.

          This was a powder keg waiting to explode…. and explode it did. The rabid right in the UK were more than happy to support the protestants… even when it came to that bastard Thatcher allowing 10 captive hunger strikers in Long Kesh prison to die.

          1. Negropolis

            I wasn't making a specific judgement on the Provisional IRA, rather a larger point most make that the right seems to have a particularly blind eye when it comes to their own guerillas. I don't want to make any enemies, but I don't think the kingdom needs Northern Ireland, particularly when you see what's about to happen in Scotland. However, I think that we can always agree that blowing up civilians in response to a military occupation on the other side is still very much terrorism.

          2. sewollef

            Oh I completely understand… and am in agreement with you about the 'white terrorists' thing. The Provos were certainly that.

            Living in London and witnessing the devastation that bomb attacks had on the communities there made me hate them and that aspect of their campaign.

            I just thought I'd add a perspective — from a Brit's view — that's rarely discussed from that period in the North. Although I've lived in NYC for years now, the New Yorker's sometime warm and fuzzy feelings for all things Irish, including the IRA makes me smile.

            In a nutshell… like virtually all the left back then, I supported their aims, but deplored their methods.

            GOP dick Peter King however, was happy to overlook their methods while fundraising for their aims.

  2. hagajim

    Fucking waste some more of my money on stupid shit King! Why don't we just fire the assholes for being stupid and be done with it. Oh, and the threat of blackmail is pretty fucking small considering the idiots were caught. What is someone gonna threaten to re-expose them as philandering pricks if they don't give them Barry's head…I kinda doubt it.

    1. meatpuppet2

      urrrum, you realize all they care about is smearing Obama rrright? Since when did Issa or King do something that was not politically motivated?

  3. peaceocrap

    See? Both sides do it. Republican Congressmen get caught with rentboys, and members of the military & secret service get prostitutes in a country where it's legal, while the President is a D. So really there's lots of shame to go around for both parties.

  4. HippieEsq

    "Things like this don’t happen once."

    Issa then added, "It's important I find out why they stopped inviting me"

  5. SayItWithWookies

    The thought of Darrel Issa investigating anything — much less heading a whole oversight committee — is such an affront to facts, investigation, oversight and integrity in general that he should really be restricted from investigating any situation unless it's more repugnant than he himself is. Which would give him precious little to do, but I'm sure he's still find a way to extract corruption and lies out of it.

    1. Limeylizzie

      Plus, he had on a shirt , today on MSNBC, in a particularly virulent shade of pink which clashed with his orange skin and metallic black, dyed hair.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        I think the Republican caucus won a lifetime supply of boot black shoe polish years back. It's the only explanation.

        1. Limeylizzie

          What accounts for that standard haircut they all have, Ben Nelson has it also. Coincidence, I think not.

          1. SayItWithWookies

            It's the standard male haircut as seen on every kid in every Norman Rockwell painting, as passed down by generations of unimaginative homophobic white fathers to their sons in an odd paternal ritual. My dad cut my brother's and my hair in a slow, painful process that for all I can gather was meant to instill patience and discipline. The first time I went to a barber and he cut my hair in fifteen minutes almost gave me a heart attack.

          2. Gunner Asch

            Not just dads. My mom kept me writhing in the kitchen chair for eternity while she painstakingly used the electric shears to create a 1/4" buzz cut just like every other kid in the 50's had. Why it took longer than 3 minutes eluded me till now.

          3. tessiee

            OTOH, if the barber/hairdresser can't do a better job than Mom or Dad, they're probably in the wrong profession.

  6. swordfis

    I strongly suggest to Peter King and Darryl Issa that they spend a week or two guarding the President of the United States with their own lives. Then they can speak with authority. In the meantime, they remain, respectively, a fascist bigot and a reptilian crook. And a pair of opportunistic cowards.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Well, the delicious irony of Darrell "I was on the security team for Richard Nixon at the World Series, only I wasn't and he never attended the game I claimed he did" Issa judging anyone who actually is in the Secret Service is pretty damn hilarious.

    1. DahBoner

      Except for the rapes at Abu Grabe, which couldn't be revealed because they were "too horrible"…

  7. PubOption

    I thought that Barry's main mission at the conference was to explain why he didn't want anyone from Cuba to attend, and that the drug business was an afterthought.

  8. OneYieldRegular

    I suspect that any investigation of presidential security details is going to be quickly calmed by the quiet interventions of Presidents 39, 41, 42 and 43, not to mention Jenna and Barb, Nancy Reagan, Roger Clinton, Trish Nixon, and, especially, the ghost of JFK.

  9. donner_froh

    While there are a few things you can explain away to your wife and kids back in Amerikkka about what happened on your trip to Columbia, having your tryst with a lady of negotiable virtue that has been on every front page in the world isn't one of them.

    1. fuflans

      i love these and every time i see one wonder why the fuck i haven't been able to come up with something so amusing.

  10. weejee

    Hookers + military + cops; what a totally surprising combination. Julius Caesar, or Charlemagne, or Washington, or Grant would never have allowed this under their watches.

  11. terriblyfamous

    I like how he says things like this don't happen once with such authority. Like he's speaking from a position of experience.

  12. Numbat_Dundee

    I can't see what the problem is. They're sort of cops right? And when has it been anything but the natural order for cops to "cavort with prostitutes"? Or do they do things differently in the US to Australia? Perhaps to frolic would be acceptable but to cavort is considered gauche. Personally, I would just have sex with one or two of the comelier ones, but I'm old fashioned.

    1. Negropolis

      Didn't you hear? All American cops are believed to be Victoria-era gentlemen and would never break any law. That hooker he took downtown that didn't end up downtown? Well, he was just helping her to her home.

      I remember locally where I live there was a cop who was known to pick up prostitutes and troll the strip clubs. He was accused of raping one of them, but when the trial came, she was too scared to testify so they had to drop the case.

    2. tessiee

      "Perhaps to frolic would be acceptable but to cavort is considered gauche."

      Gallivanting is still OK, though, right?

  13. Texan_Bulldog

    Somehow this is Barry's fault, right? His anti-American moral weakness must have been contagious. I mean why can't those agents buy hookers in America like good God fearing Republicans?

  14. Mojopo

    You mean to tell me they've got blow AND hookers in Columbia? Stop the frigging presses! This may go down as the first time in the history of ever that military personnel paid women for sex. I never heard of such a thing in my whole life!

    1. McDonnellville

      That penguin must have been one of those gay liberal ones I occasionally hear about.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        You mean that well-known Communist Burgess Meredith? Not only blacklisted by McCarthy, but once married to flaming radical and modern art collector Paulette Goddard, who lived in sin with Charlie Chaplin then post-Meredith shacked up with peacenik author Erich Maria Remarque? If he were still alive, I have every faith he would take a big hunk out of Newt Gingrich, penguin get-up or not.

        1. C_R_Eature

          That's the one. To be fair, I would have taken a huge chunk out of Gingrich because he's pissed me off for so many years, but Burgess would have had even more reason.

          I can hear his trademark laugh as he stands over Gingrich's thrashing, obese form and lands several swift, solid kicks at his miniature BALLS.

    2. MilwaukeeKent

      Could be the start of a whole new disease that humans have no known resistance to, so Newt should be kept in isolation conditions for 30 days or so, under 24 hour a day observation.

      1. GunToting[Redacted]

        Just to be safe, we should seal Newt in a lead coffin and drop him into the ocean. Can't be too careful.

  15. Mojopo

    The problem, gentle people, is that the secret service didn't hike the Appalachian Trail or gay sext some interns.

    If only some of the men wore diapers with these hookers, we wouldn't have to read about the awful details. Let that be a lesson to YOU, sirs.

    1. Guppy

      The GOP should put him in charge of the investigation. He brings a great deal of experience, after all.

  16. proudgrampa

    So Rep. King "…wants to penetrate deep, thrusting advances towards the light at the end of the tunnel."

    LOL!

  17. Callyson

    "Things like this don’t happen once.”

    Indeed they don't:

    Issa…has said that his unit provided security for President Richard Nixon, sweeping stadiums for bombs prior to games in the 1971 World Series, and that he had always received the highest approval ratings during his service. A 1998 investigation by the San Francisco Examiner found that these claims were not true and Nixon had not attended any of that year's World Series games. The investigation also found that Issa was transferred to a supply depot after receiving an unsatisfactory evaluation…

    A fellow soldier, Jay Bergey, claimed that Issa stole his Dodge Charger in 1971 while they were serving together and that the day after he confronted Issa the car was found abandoned on a nearby expressway. Asked about this charge in 2011, Issa denied it and suggested it was possible that other soldiers stole the car or that Bergey, who he claims had a drinking problem, had abandoned it himself while intoxicated."

    After receiving a hardship discharge in 1972…Twice during that year he was arrested.[citation needed] In March, Issa and his brother William were charged with stealing a Maserati from a dealer's showroom in Cleveland. Issa says it was a matter of mistaken identity by the Cleveland Heights police…

    Before that had happened, in December 1972, police in Adrian pulled Issa over for going the wrong way on a one-way street and, as he was retrieving his registration, saw in the car's glove compartment what turned out to be a .25-caliber Colt semi-automatic handgun inside an ammunition box, along with a military pouch containing 44 rounds, a tear gas gun and two rounds for that. Issa was charged with carrying a concealed weapon; ultimately he pleaded guilty to the lesser charge of possession of an unregistered firearm. He was sentenced to six months' probation and paid a small fine.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darrell_Issa

    Time to investigate!

  18. BlueStateLibel

    Do not try to pull your fancy logic on cons when they're out on the sex trail of sexy Secret Service guys

  19. BlueStateLibel

    Oh goody, I'm looking forward to lots of old icky Repubs describing sex acts…this will be as much fun as the Lewinsky witch trials.

      1. user-of-owls

        Why yes, there are. But contrary to the assertions of some demented paraco wannabes here, Miss Se's disreputable brother Al is not in residence.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Yes, Jenna and Barbara partied so hard down there you'd THINK there's nothing left. But cocaine is like Doritos. “Crunch all you want, we'll make more.® ”

  20. voodooeconomics

    The service was not so secret after all, but haggle about price with a foreign whore on foreign soil was the ultimate chutzpah. You pay what the bitch want..u p f r o n t.

  21. rocktonsam

    I'm planning my vacation to Columbia.

    Two questions.

    Is pot legal and are there golf courses?

    1. DahBoner

      Possesion yes. Selling or possibly buying it, no.

      They have different grades. Most of what is sold on the street is overpriced crap. You need to find a rasta (hard to find) or an educated Columbian who has good connections to get the hydro grown in greenhouses, called "El Cripe".

      Also, don't buy in Cartagena–it's the most expensive city there and they don't grow it there, so a taxi driver might charge $100 for a gram of schwag…

    1. littlebigdaddy

      Yeah, what's the saying? You don't pay the girl for sex, you pay her to go away after sex, and not go to the police, hotel security, or whatever. What a bunch of fratboys.

  22. littlebigdaddy

    Good thing the summit wasn't in Brazil. Cuz' a lotta those hookers are trannies, or so I am told.

  23. ElPinche

    Republicans will put their best of the best investigators…O'Keefe and Breitbart hologram (ala Tupac) . NObama is soooo fucked! I bet he hugged someone!

  24. ElPinche

    "Things like this don’t happen once.”

    Of course, Issa, an extraordinary arsonist and an expert in insurance fraud would know this. .

  25. Negropolis

    This has the smell of how Whitewater turned into Lewinsky-gate, except that this is not Whitewater, and there will be no Lewinsky, so tough nuggets, GOP.

    BTW, said it in another thread, but the only scandalous thing about this "scandal" is that they didn't pay their prostitutes. If anyone thinks this is the first time foreign dignitaries and their staff have played out their vices in foreign lands, they are kidding themselves.

    That said, I can assure you Hillary & Co. had a lot more fun out of this trip than the Secret Service boys, and without the risk of contracting STDs, to boot. And, really, guys. Hookers-and-blow in Colombia? How gauche. That's like going to New York and only seeing the Empire State Building.

  26. MilwaukeeKent

    It was a 40-47 dollar dispute — What the hell is wrong with the idiot who wouldn't pay it? "The money's on the dresser, Honey — in my bedroom in Northern Virginia! Ha! Ha! Ha!" I'll bet all involved are really happy that Officer Bob or whomever is a cheap bastard.

  27. SexySmurf

    O/T Herman Cain Rally at the Capitol Fails Spectacularly.

    The best part:
    The registration for three events — a Sunday reception, Monday morning seminar, and Monday afternoon rally — was free, and included a boxed lunch.

    For a free lunch, I would've watched Pizzachu sing Pokemon songs or kill small animals or what ever for an hour. I've done worse.

  28. imissopus

    OT but Diane Sawyer was interviewing Willardsworth Mittington Romney today. Asked if he had anything to say to the president, Mittens responded, "Start packing."

    Ah, MItt. It's true what they say, money can't buy class.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Snark off: SERIOUSLY, can you believe the shit said that? With Mrs. Cleaver sitting beside him smirking? Can you, in your wildest imagination, picture Barack Obama saying anything that crass in front of a television camera? Even if he thought it, he would never SAY it. Honestly, I know it's not that big a deal in the larger scheme of things, but nothing's made me madder this week. You'd think a presidential candidate could at least PRETEND his fellow citizens are his American-equals? But I guess not, only plutocrats need apply. Even the Leader of the Free World doesn't get into Willard's country club.

      1. Negropolis

        It was both surprising, and then not very surprising, at all. Mitt is painted as this kind of well-meaning doof, and I've never quite got that, because he has a very dark and petty side to him, a kind of pettiness of a John Mccain and uncouthness that is similar to Palin's. He will say the stupidest and most untoward shit, but he gets away with it because he's a "better." This man is as mean as a snake when you give him the opportunity. I've said it before, but he's like a very bad copy of the Republicans of yore, someone who looks the part, but who is firmly a part of our modern, petty politics.

  29. BarackMyWorld

    OT, but if I hear one more Republican pundit say "Romney needs to keep talking about the economy" I'm going to flip out and start slapping people.

    The only thing Mitt has to say about the economy is we need more tax cuts for the rich and more deregulation, and to cut spending on human services…yeah, that'll sell.

  30. ttommyunger

    Factoid: Issa is the wealthiest Member of Congress, worth a reported $400 Mil. Who says crime doesn't pay? King, on the other hand, is the stupidest Member of Congress with Shelly Bachmann and others closing fast on his heels.

  31. niblick77

    Issa is planning a 'fact' finding mission to Columbia to get to the heart of the matter.

  32. outragedcitizen

    Secret Service agents screwing around with prostitutes the night before the President arrives.That seems eerily familiar. Let's see, oh, yes, Dallas, November 1963.

  33. tessiee

    "Rep. Darrell E. Issa [...] has a knack for simultaneously crying like a little girl and being a dick."

    And this distinguishes him from the rest of the repukes — how?
    It's like Mom said, bullies are cowards.

  34. tessiee

    I get the feeling that my evil moron cow-irker, the one who said, "I don't like Obama's morals", is right this minute thinking, "If we had a white President, this never would have happened".

  35. DahBoner

    drinking excessively

    According to the NIDA, this is the most common cause of death, when using the much-safer drug cocaine…

Comments are closed.