SARA CAN YOU HEAR ME?  3:55 pm April 16, 2012

Sara Benincasa Fights For Vagina Rights At Fiesta In NYC Tonight

by Sara Benincasa

Oh, hello, beasts of burden. Remember me? I’m good ol’ Sara Benincasa, your friend from the days of a kkkolumn called Barry Can You Hear Me? Well now I am Back, hahaha, and more terrible than ever. So terrible, in fact, that tonight I am hosting a party for the feared chieftainesses of wimmin’s lib right here in New York City, a place where I am and maybe you are as well! It is called The 5th Annual Roe on the Rocks Benefit for Planned Parenthood of NYC, and it is going to be so very much fun.

Anyhoozles, I am very nervous about this rock and roll show because I want to do a very good job and make the feminists laff in the midst of our current collective Vale of Tears. Basically, I am Bob Hope and we are at War against the people who are at War on Womynz, so I will wear a suit and talk into an old-fashioned microphone and bring up a ditzy, zazzy pin-up gal to rally the troops, and the troops will drink champagne and laugh about old tymes and then ask each other why it is, exactly, that in 2012 elected, educated, adult human officials believe “birth control” is something made by witches with mortar and pestle under a waxing moon during the Rutting Season. You could be there! You SHOULD be there!

In my imagination, this post has been like the part at the end of “Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves” when Sean Connery growls “I object!” when Robin of Locksley is trying to marry Mary Elizabeth Curlyhairionio and everyone turns and is like, “SURPRISE CAMEO IT IS SEAN CONNERY!” and then he smiles and says, “Because I want to give away the bride” or whatever. Except this post has been about feminism, and I am not “heroic” King Richard back from murdering innocent Muslamics, and I am not Scottish. But. Thanks to the powers of your betwitching editrix, I have indeed returned. So you should come out to celebrate uteruses and Wonkette tonight at this shindig in NYC.

I have really missed you.

Here are your basic details:

When: Monday, April 16 at 8 p.m.
Where: Highline Ballroom, 431 West 16th St., New York City
What: 5th Annual Roe on the Rocks Benefit for Planned Parenthood NYC
How Much Do I Pay: $30 or $75 if you want to do a meet and greet with me and get champagne, you nuts!

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 113 comments }

GunToting[Redacted] April 16, 2012 at 3:57 pm

"Basically, I am Bob Hope and we are at War against the people who are at War on Womynz…"

Fun fact. Bob Hope was never actually funny.

JustPixelz April 16, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Whew! I thought it was just me.

Spurning Beer April 16, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Still, just to be safe, bring a putter and make golf jokes, Sara.

flamingpdog April 16, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Well, at least you don't have to bring along B-grade movie starlets for there to be big boobs on the stage.

4TheTurnstiles April 16, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Pussy! Pussy! Rah Rah Rah!

DWW April 16, 2012 at 7:41 pm

I can fly down from here in New Zealand to New York…for some live lesbo licks…

FraAnima April 16, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Tits or GTFO!

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 16, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Wrong end.

FraAnima April 16, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Uteri or GTFO!

iburl April 16, 2012 at 4:12 pm

You sound like a Uterrorist.

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 4:17 pm

That's ectopic for a different discussion

Biel_ze_Bubba April 16, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Nah, just a fellow peon.

valthemus April 16, 2012 at 4:01 pm

A post about feminism that mentions Sean Connery? That's like a post about common sense that mentions Newt Gingrich.

Boojum April 16, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Newt's problem is simply hubris.

He is King Gnute, trying to explain the tides.

Come here a minute April 16, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Vaginas and uteruses get all the press. Why are ovaries so rarely mentioned? And don't get me started on fallopian tubes!

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 4:05 pm

What? Every day, millions of people ask for eggs ovariesy!

CommieLibunatic April 16, 2012 at 4:15 pm

In other news, that post gave me chlamydia.

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Chlamydia, the tabooed lady

JustPixelz April 16, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Ladies are like the internet: A series of tubes.

SaraJBenincasa April 16, 2012 at 4:34 pm

AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA

V572 Fehrnstrom April 16, 2012 at 4:15 pm

My prostate refuses to be a second-class citizen!

Schmannnity April 16, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Will there be complementary abortions?

Spurning Beer April 16, 2012 at 4:28 pm

"What a lovely vacuum curettage you have there, Mrs. Cleaver!"

LesBontemps April 16, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Oh, look who's fancy now!

Also, please come back, too.

IncenseDebate April 16, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Is that near the swingers/sex hotel over the High Line? Vaginas get a workout there.

Callyson April 16, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Aw, this West Coast slut is jealous that she can't go see you. Any chance of a national tour?

SaraJBenincasa April 16, 2012 at 4:35 pm

In fact, there may be a West Coast event in your future, involving my butt (and the rest of me.) Stay TUNED!

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Who, now?

Negropolis April 17, 2012 at 12:24 am

Oh, no you di'int! You will learn to fear our adjunct editirix.

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Thanks to the powers of your betwitching editrix

And which parts be she twitchin', darlin'?

Boojum April 16, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Twitchin' in concert.

BRB

Blueb4sunrise April 16, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Tommy Roe is performing?

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Oh fuck! Now I've got "Dizzy" as an earworm!

Blueb4sunrise April 16, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Awww, you sweet pea.

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Could be worse: "Jam Up And Jelly Tight"

JustPixelz April 16, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Covering the Beatles' "I Am the Eggman", no doubt,

LesBontemps April 16, 2012 at 4:40 pm

I thought "Roe on the Rocks" meant they were serving caviar on ice.

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Well, some eggs, at any rate…

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 16, 2012 at 4:06 pm

I assume all of the proceeds will go to making a Vagina/Abortion Clinic so spectacular that the gods themselves will weep?

Extemporanus April 16, 2012 at 4:06 pm

I got yer back, Benincasa.

Spurning Beer April 16, 2012 at 4:29 pm

You wish.

Extemporanus April 16, 2012 at 4:41 pm

SaraJBenincasa 84p · 5 minutes ago

In fact, there may be a West Coast event in your future, involving my butt (and the rest of me.) Stay TUNED!

DIBZ BITCHEZ!!

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Sarah, as a New Yorker who's performed on stage for some of the same people you'll be confronted with, let me give you this piece of advice:

Imagine your audience naked.

Because half of them are doing the same thing to you.

ManchuCandidate April 16, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I always do when I'm commenting.

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 4:14 pm

I really have to turn off my webcam. NO FREE SHOWS!

FraAnima April 16, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Imagining Sara naked now…fap.

Boojum April 16, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Only half? Sara Benincasa libel!!

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 4:18 pm

I'm assuming there will be SOME straight ladies in the audience.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 16, 2012 at 4:07 pm

I don't know if this is really her–not nearly abusive enough to us.

SaraJBenincasa April 16, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Oh, it's me, you fucking troglodyte anus hair.

LesBontemps April 16, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Yep, that's her.

GhostBuggy April 16, 2012 at 4:46 pm

That takes me back.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 16, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Good god almighty, I love you.

OneYieldRegular April 16, 2012 at 4:08 pm

"Crotch crotch crotch crotch crotch crotch crotch!" (stolen from Tales of the City)

coolhandnuke April 16, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Due to a prior commitment–a Contra(ception) Dance–I will not be in attendance.

V572 Fehrnstrom April 16, 2012 at 4:10 pm

A benefit for Planned Parenthood? Hasn't president-presumptive Romney vowed to "get rid of all that"?

SayItWithWookies April 16, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Sara, I won't be able to to see you as I'm languishing in another city that used to be a national capital (hint — President Jefferson lived here — Jefferson Davis, that is). But I will think of vagina this evening, if that helps.

Spurning Beer April 16, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Richmond? Montgomery?

(I am a graduate of Jefferson Davis High School in Montgomery. Not a proud graduate, just a graduate.)

SayItWithWookies April 16, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Richmond, a city still debating whether it should move beyond its faded grandeur or live on it.

CommieLibunatic April 16, 2012 at 4:12 pm

DAT SECOND PARAGRAPH

Barb April 16, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Hey Sara! I saw you at the Abortionplex last week and couldn't catch up with you because I didn't want to spill my 2 cups of beer.

SaraJBenincasa April 16, 2012 at 4:34 pm

It's cool, I was totally getting a sweet tattoo of a Japanese character that means "butthole." It's on my shoulder, cause.

Barb April 16, 2012 at 4:43 pm

How about you throw a linkie up so that we can order your book, please.

shirleyplz April 16, 2012 at 5:11 pm

yes we are so glad there are funny feminazis like you because we didn't have any back in the day-& you're the best! We miss you, & put your book link up.
Since can't make it tonite,will make a donation to PP.
Oh & congrats on the wedding plans!

UnionAgitator April 16, 2012 at 4:15 pm

I'd go but I'm not near NYC right now.

I'll be there in spirit because I'm 100% pro-vagina . . . but I'm not giving that big pussy Mitt fifty grand.

sullivanst April 16, 2012 at 4:22 pm

"Pussy Mitt"

Is that like a femidom?

UnionAgitator April 16, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Mittens as sperm catching girl rubber?

Yea, maybe.

qwerty42 April 16, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Hi Sara! Welcome back! I'd be there, but it's like a 10-hr drive.

SaraJBenincasa April 16, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Thank you!

gullywompr April 16, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Look, is your uterus going to play the piano or not?

Extemporanus April 16, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Play 'em off, keyboard crotch…

jetjaguar April 16, 2012 at 9:16 pm

It's so cute the way it squints at the end…

bagofmice April 16, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Benincasa is #teamuterati?

An_Outhouse April 16, 2012 at 4:21 pm

You brought her, you 'benincasa' her. Never mind, that doesn't work.

BaldarTFlagass April 16, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Sorry, but there's only one "Fiesta" going on tonight and for the next two weeks, and it's right here in my pants San Antonio TX.

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 4:23 pm

I'd go, Sara, but I have to scrub Mother's boils tonight.

Boojum April 16, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Rick?

Mumbletypeg April 16, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I am not “heroic” King Richard

It has been quite the winter of discontent[edness] without you here, Sara.

SaraJBenincasa April 16, 2012 at 4:33 pm

I really did miss you guys so much.

Boojum April 16, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Sara! What happened to your p? Can I offer my p-ness?

Chet Kincaid April 16, 2012 at 4:31 pm

You disappear for months, you don't write, you don't call, and now all of a sudden you're back in our life, asking for money?! You make us feel so cheap.

LesBontemps April 16, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Hey, I AM cheap!

flamingpdog April 16, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Pfft, I wrote to her on teh Facebook,, but she never wrote back!

I still luvs her, though.

mavenmaven April 16, 2012 at 4:32 pm

And I'm Bob Hope's brother, No Hope *rimshot*

el_donaldo April 16, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Is it really appropriate for a feminist event to feature a champagne room? And what kind of cocktail is fish roe on ice? I'm just confused.

Guppy April 16, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Oh, hello, beasts of burden. Remember me?

You forgot the alt text. You're dead to us!

Exhausted66 April 16, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Is that an organ on your piano?

Hera Sent Me April 16, 2012 at 5:15 pm

I'm glad you're back.

Limeylizzie April 16, 2012 at 5:22 pm

I have a knitting pattern for that uterus.

Gleem McShineys April 16, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Me too!!

That is a euphemism, yes? DO NOT SAY NO, FOR A LITTLE WHILE PLZ

Limeylizzie April 16, 2012 at 5:50 pm
Gleem McShineys April 16, 2012 at 6:37 pm

DARN IT

Boojum April 16, 2012 at 5:43 pm

I had someone knit one just like it. I plan on giving it to Saxby Chambliss, as he obviously needs one of his own.

Bonzos_Bed_Time April 16, 2012 at 11:50 pm

No more knitting needles!!!

Spurning Beer April 16, 2012 at 5:23 pm
BarackMyWorld April 16, 2012 at 5:43 pm

We missed you too, Sara. Your book was great.

Boojum April 16, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Sara, do you ever come to Atlanta?

Nothingisamiss April 16, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Please?

finallyhappy April 16, 2012 at 6:02 pm

I crocheted 2 uteri- one was with me at the Supreme Court Rally and then I mailed it to Rick Perry- I have not received a thank you note yet. The second one is coming with me to the April 28 War on Women rally in DC.

flamingpdog April 16, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Thanks to the powers of your betwitching editrix, I have indeed returned.

Ditto to all the adoration above, but I have to kneel before our betwitching editrix and offer any personal services she might desire for allowing our agorafabulous sweetheart to come back into our awaiting arms (and any other body parts she might be willing to share with us).

EDIT: Is there any way a poor slob at teh Wonkette can get your book personally signed, sweet Sara?

Jukesgrrl April 16, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Don't forget to introduce Charo.

Bonzos_Bed_Time April 16, 2012 at 11:51 pm

Will Betty White be there?

LibrulEleet April 16, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Damn! I should've checked my Wonkette at work today. I could've gotten off the 1 train at 14th Street, on my way home.

fuflans April 16, 2012 at 9:00 pm

i will be in NY very soon but not today damn damn damn

break a leg lovely lady. show 'em your tubes!

and please come back to us often.

emmelemm April 16, 2012 at 9:25 pm

We missed you. That is all.

SaraJBenincasa April 17, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Thank you! I missed you back.

Negropolis April 17, 2012 at 12:23 am

Yes, Sara, but will there be dressage horses? Ann Romney's counter event has dressage horses.

Mmmm…bacon and garlic ranch dressage….

ttommyunger April 17, 2012 at 7:59 am

Odd, the only time I hear from Sarah lately is when she is wanting the moneez. Hmmmm. Oh, wait! She is a wimminz!

Sheesko April 17, 2012 at 10:32 am

sarasarasara…have missed you so. Am packing my vagina right now, toothbrush check, bedbug spray check, checks check…

lloydstool April 17, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Raggedy Ann's ladyparts are giving me a funny feeling. I think I have a wooly.

lulzmonger April 17, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Welcome back to the Monkey House.
Benincasa, you magnificent podcaster! I'm reading your book!

Watch out though – I hear Newt Gingrinch is stealing your schtick & plans to call his autobiography Megalomarvelous.

jqheywood April 16, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Well, iburl grabbed the book, and it fell open to be read now….

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Or that time my ex went off with the cabana boy to investigate remodeling schemes in the Seychelles.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: