HAWT SPECULATIONS  2:59 pm April 16, 2012

Who Will Be America’s Next Most Historic Secretary of State?

by Jim Newell

MY FISH HEADS, PLEASEWith Hillary Clinton slow drifting off towards her retirement in the assisted living community of Memes, the Hot Question (not really) in all of Washington is, who will be our nation’s next “top diplomat” to bring us a shooting war in Libya? No, wait, the Hot Question is, who will win the presidential election? If it’s Romney, of course, General McWarDongle will take the reins at Foggy Bottom and declare nuclear war domestically. But if it’s Obama, we’ll likely get the most boring possible choice. Think of the most boring possible choice, now, and then click the clicky! (HINT: IT’S THE GHOUL IN THE TOP PHOTO.)

John Kerry has been kissing ass since forever to become the next Secretary of State, and all the Washington Insiders are buying it. Look, here is Leslie Gelb in the Daily Beast, talking about the Washington Insiders!

Obama’s list centers on John Kerry, chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee; U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Susan Rice; and National Security Adviser Thomas Donilon. According to insiders, Obama is thinking Kerry would travel a lot and successfully, and interfere least with policymaking. Susan Rice’s blend of soft and hard line sits well in the Oval Office. Donilon is regarded as the wisest policy and political head.

Ha ha, “Obama is thinking Kerry would get the fuck out of the way the most.” That’s always how it goes, isn’t it?

[Daily Beast]

 
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{ 99 comments }

GunToting[Redacted] April 16, 2012 at 3:00 pm

I think Dick Cheney is available.

niblick77 April 16, 2012 at 3:08 pm

He cannot due to that worldwide arrest on site warrant for war crimes.

BaldarTFlagass April 16, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Christ, he couldn't even go to fucking Canada.

horsedreamer_1 April 16, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Stephen Harper, where's the love for another oil patch native son?

The Weekly Standard is not going to like to find this out.

Negropolis April 17, 2012 at 1:13 am

Fucking Canada is Regular Canada's cooler, naughtier cousin, which is quite the inverse of Rob Fucking Ford.

UnholyMoses April 16, 2012 at 3:33 pm

I think Dick Cheney is available an evil piece of shit who should be rotting at The Hague for war crimes and quite frankly, also makes me fairly sure there's no higher power because, really, if there were, how the holy fuck is that guy still alive after all the hell he's unleashed instead of suffering a very long, slow, and painful death?

Fixed to fit what I think … and probably lots of other people, too.

Aridzona April 16, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Cheney doesn't have the heart for it.

Biff April 16, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Secretary of State, not Hate.

nounverb911 April 16, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Doesn't Kerry already speak French?

Mumbletypeg April 16, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Indeed. He would even *sing* en francais if given the chants.

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 3:09 pm

What you do there. Je vois.

weejee April 16, 2012 at 3:11 pm

magnifique

Lascauxcaveman April 16, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Ri dehors fort.

RedneckMuslin April 16, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Wrong condiment maker. It's Heinz not French's.

Pragmatist2 April 16, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Warren Buffet's Secretary?

nounverb911 April 16, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Which state?

DerrickWildcat April 16, 2012 at 3:02 pm

That guy from the newer Mexico.

Giveusabob April 16, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Machete Cortez?

BaldarTFlagass April 16, 2012 at 3:14 pm

"Machete don't text do diplomacy."

Barb April 16, 2012 at 3:17 pm

My husband?

horsedreamer_1 April 16, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Chris Christie's Non-Union Mexican Equivalent?

Come here a minute April 16, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Now that we've had the three first woman secretaries of state, it's time to have the first "rich from his wife's ketchup" secretary of state. History beckons!

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 3:08 pm

John Kerry's so liberal, he waits for THREE women to come first!

Lascauxcaveman April 16, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Whut? I thought all secretaries were chicks.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 16, 2012 at 6:39 pm

With the Ketchup Advisory Board as a foreign affairs think tank, what could possibly go wrong?

Grief_Lessons April 16, 2012 at 3:03 pm

It's time for Obama to extend a bipartisan olive leaf to Ron Paul.

littlebigdaddy April 16, 2012 at 3:03 pm

He'll get swift boated.

Jus_Wonderin April 16, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Look at that bruise. Was he Swiftbooted in the face?

Lucidamente1 April 16, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Susan Rice’s blend of soft and hard line sits well in the Oval Office.

Come on, Clinton's been out of the White House for 12 years.

Grief_Lessons April 16, 2012 at 3:05 pm

At least we know that when the chips are down, Kerry can win the big ones.

prommie April 16, 2012 at 3:06 pm

And then we can make Algore sec. of the Interior, and Dukakis can be sec. of Commerce in Greek Diners, and is they can dig up McGovern and make him sec. of ChooChoo Trains! It will be a regular parade of losers!

meatlofer April 16, 2012 at 3:06 pm

If Hillary is retireing,I'm sure Bill would be interested.

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Fish heads fish heads,
Roly poly fish heads,
Fish heads fish heads,
Eat them up yum

(alt text win)

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 16, 2012 at 3:07 pm

America's Next Top Diplomat?
I might lift my ban on reality TV to watch that one.

SteveMcCroskey April 16, 2012 at 3:08 pm

I suppose that boring world leaders with judicious amounts of expertly crafted circumlocution is a form of diplomacy.

GuyClinch April 16, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Nay, it is the ESSENCE of diplomacy

BaldarTFlagass April 16, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Only if he'll wear the fancy suit with the top hat like in the days of yore.

RedneckMuslin April 16, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Isn't JImmy Carter stiil alive and still American?

Lascauxcaveman April 16, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Yes and no.

Alive, but building houses for poor people. Ergo, not American; communist.

BarackMyWorld April 16, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Is America ready for a white guy as Sec. of State?

Mumbly_Joe April 16, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Why are you so RACIST!!!1 against Callista Gingrich??!!

GuyClinch April 16, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Zombie Warren Christopher could bring a bit more pizzazz to the job than Kerry, I reckon.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 16, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Please, we are talking about Obama's second term. If the person isn't an imam or a member of the New Black Panther's Party, he doesn't stand a chance.

Negropolis April 17, 2012 at 1:21 am

Louis Farakhan would make a hilarious SoS. And by hilarious I mean disasterous.

muthalovin April 16, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Oh, man, Hillary is going to leave some awfully big heels to fill, but I bet if anyone can do it, Kerry can.

Jus_Wonderin April 16, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Fred Gywnne as SOTS? I don't know about this.

slithytoves April 16, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I think I'd rather just ask Hillz to stick around.

June_Cleaver2.0 April 16, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Hillz needs her rest for 2016.

BaldarTFlagass April 16, 2012 at 3:10 pm

My vote goes to George Clooney.

June_Cleaver2.0 April 16, 2012 at 3:47 pm

He's too decent to be in politics. That's why Stephen Colbert is in comedy. They are my fantasy decent beaus.

Terry April 16, 2012 at 3:59 pm

But imagine him in negotiations with other world leaders. People across the table from him would be star struck.

Veritas78 April 16, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Plus, imagine him in a hostage rescue negotiation. With really good dialogue, and some split-second decision-making?

Ooh! I think I just had a little orgasm.

DaRooster April 16, 2012 at 3:11 pm

All right… I'll do it.
Sheesh.

Schmannnity April 16, 2012 at 3:13 pm

If the White House is making a short list, it should include Robert Reich

Callyson April 16, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Geithner's replacement? I'm down for that…

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I think he'd be a better fit at Labor. And just look at the other six dudes he could bring in as his advisory board!

Lascauxcaveman April 16, 2012 at 3:27 pm

LOL. You'd have them move him from the Stupid List?

BarackMyWorld April 16, 2012 at 3:29 pm

I see what you did there. Apparently, I was the only one, though…

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Hey now! I'd have to make my reply snow white for it to be any clearer!

BarackMyWorld April 16, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Ahh. I didn't get it. Shoulda said "other 6 dwarves" maybe?

notreelyhelping April 16, 2012 at 3:38 pm

You think Kucinich would stand for that?

whiterabid April 16, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Why not appoint Clarence Thomas? Then he could sleep around instead of only on the bench.

SayItWithWookies April 16, 2012 at 3:14 pm

So no truth to the rumor that Hillz and Joe Biden are gonna switch places for the next go-round? Just as well — the first time Joe opened his mouth and let fly one of his trademark gaffes, Hillary would just want to trade back.

I'm thinking if Romney loses, he should be Sec. of State — hell, he's already used to representing positions he doesn't believe in, so he should be great at the job.

Callyson April 16, 2012 at 3:17 pm

U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Susan Rice

Come on, she's *earned* it after having to deal with the UN. Plus, wasn't Madeline Albright the US Ambassador to the UN before becoming Sec of State? That would make it a traditional promotion in that case.

Plus, appointing a blah would piss off the wingnuts. Win – win for everyone!

BaldarTFlagass April 16, 2012 at 3:26 pm

"Plus, appointing a blah would piss off the wingnuts."
Unless her name is Condoleeza.

Callyson April 16, 2012 at 3:59 pm

True, or Colin for that matter.

Then again, in Wingnut Land, they probably figure "well, they're our blahs so that's OK."

BarackMyWorld April 16, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Why stop there? George H. W. Bush was U.N. ambassador, and he went on to have his idiot son elected president!

weejee April 16, 2012 at 3:18 pm

The next warz will, like so many from before, will be about monies, so howz 'bout Paul Krugman? Or perhaps after the Secret Service kerfuffle, maybe Pee Wee Herman?

hagajim April 16, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Sean Payton is free. If we make him SOS he could put bounties out on heads of state just for the hell of it. I can picture it now…Karzai isn't working with us, next trooper who can separate his shoulder gets $100K.

CapnFatback April 16, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Kerry would make a great Secretary of State, provided that the state in question is a nigh-catatonic one.

sullivanst April 16, 2012 at 4:01 pm

He could bore our enemies to death. Diplomacy win!

Barb April 16, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Matthew McConaughey?
Bathe him and bring him to me!

ttommyunger April 17, 2012 at 8:07 am

I would suggest at least two baths and a de-lousing for good measure. Aids test wouldn't hurt, either.

not that Dewey April 16, 2012 at 3:22 pm

The Washington Insiders couldn't even beat the Cubs. THE CUBS

ManchuCandidate April 16, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Lurch as Sec State?

Everyone not US America will start playing the Adams Family Theme instead of the Star Spangled Banner just to see if he gets the joke.

metamarcisf April 16, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Now if we're talking about the next Secretary of Steak, Christie's got it nailed.

Blueb4sunrise April 16, 2012 at 3:24 pm

OT.
Shawna appears to have taken a turn for the worse.

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Yeast infection. Nothing to worry about.

Radiotherapy April 16, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Meet your meat….indeed.

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 3:33 pm

If ye don't meet yer meat, ye can't have any puddin'!

Radiotherapy April 16, 2012 at 5:39 pm

First they came for Kortney, and I said nothing…….

Radiotherapy April 16, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Now he's got a Purple Eye to go with his Purple Hearts.

BarackMyWorld April 16, 2012 at 3:31 pm

So long as Kerry doesn't try to appoint John Edwards to Deputy Secretary of State.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 16, 2012 at 4:12 pm

He'd be Undersecretary of State for Domestic Affairs. Under Rielle.

Negropolis April 17, 2012 at 1:25 am

Nah, they'd just appoint him the Secretary of Lady Interiors.

kapish April 16, 2012 at 3:32 pm

I believe Dennis Kucinich is currently available.

Negropolis April 17, 2012 at 1:27 am

Until he gets a food-related injury, again, and then he'll just sue the administration.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 16, 2012 at 3:38 pm

How about Ainsley Hayes? That'd be bipartisan

SteveMcCroskey April 16, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I'm told that theirs is the party of inclusion.

RedneckMuslin April 16, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Mel Gibson would probably do it.

Poindexter718 April 16, 2012 at 4:04 pm

It is my understanding that senior business executive Hermann Cain is presently a minister without portfolio….

mavenmaven April 16, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Hiring Kerry would be like having Romney around forever!

owhatever April 16, 2012 at 5:10 pm

NEWT

Veritas78 April 16, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Everyone in Massachusetts would be quietly relieved. Because otherwise we're stuck with the dullest guy in fifty years, and politics is entertainment here.

fuflans April 16, 2012 at 5:40 pm

romney will probably nominate bolton or somebody.

to get in good with baggers.

Negropolis April 17, 2012 at 1:31 am

The president would be wise to stop snatching random Dems out of the legislature for his cabinet. It hasn't exactly worked so well for him, electorally.

ttommyunger April 17, 2012 at 8:08 am

Hil, Kerry: nope. Rice? I'd hit that.

Allmighty_Manos April 17, 2012 at 8:22 am

That's what Mass needs. Another special election.

WhatTheHolyHeck April 17, 2012 at 1:54 pm

All I saw on that video freeze-frame was

"MCCAIN"
and
"DEPENDS"

'nuff said.

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