hawt speculations

Who Will Be America’s Next Most Historic Secretary of State?

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

MY FISH HEADS, PLEASEWith Hillary Clinton slow drifting off towards her retirement in the assisted living community of Memes, the Hot Question (not really) in all of Washington is, who will be our nation’s next “top diplomat” to bring us a shooting war in Libya? No, wait, the Hot Question is, who will win the presidential election? If it’s Romney, of course, General McWarDongle will take the reins at Foggy Bottom and declare nuclear war domestically. But if it’s Obama, we’ll likely get the most boring possible choice. Think of the most boring possible choice, now, and then click the clicky! (HINT: IT’S THE GHOUL IN THE TOP PHOTO.)

John Kerry has been kissing ass since forever to become the next Secretary of State, and all the Washington Insiders are buying it. Look, here is Leslie Gelb in the Daily Beast, talking about the Washington Insiders!

Obama’s list centers on John Kerry, chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee; U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Susan Rice; and National Security Adviser Thomas Donilon. According to insiders, Obama is thinking Kerry would travel a lot and successfully, and interfere least with policymaking. Susan Rice’s blend of soft and hard line sits well in the Oval Office. Donilon is regarded as the wisest policy and political head.

Ha ha, “Obama is thinking Kerry would get the fuck out of the way the most.” That’s always how it goes, isn’t it?

[Daily Beast]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    I think Dick Cheney is available.

    • niblick77

      He cannot due to that worldwide arrest on site warrant for war crimes.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Christ, he couldn't even go to fucking Canada.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Stephen Harper, where's the love for another oil patch native son?

          The Weekly Standard is not going to like to find this out.

        • Negropolis

          Fucking Canada is Regular Canada's cooler, naughtier cousin, which is quite the inverse of Rob Fucking Ford.

    • UnholyMoses

      I think Dick Cheney is available an evil piece of shit who should be rotting at The Hague for war crimes and quite frankly, also makes me fairly sure there's no higher power because, really, if there were, how the holy fuck is that guy still alive after all the hell he's unleashed instead of suffering a very long, slow, and painful death?

      Fixed to fit what I think … and probably lots of other people, too.

      • Aridzona

        Cheney doesn't have the heart for it.

    • Biff

      Secretary of State, not Hate.

  • nounverb911

    Doesn't Kerry already speak French?

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Indeed. He would even *sing* en francais if given the chants.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        What you do there. Je vois.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee


      • Lascauxcaveman

        Ri dehors fort.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Wrong condiment maker. It's Heinz not French's.

  • Pragmatist2

    Warren Buffet's Secretary?

  • nounverb911

    Which state?

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    That guy from the newer Mexico.

    • Giveusabob

      Machete Cortez?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        "Machete don't text do diplomacy."

    • Barb

      My husband?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Chris Christie's Non-Union Mexican Equivalent?

  • Come here a minute

    Now that we've had the three first woman secretaries of state, it's time to have the first "rich from his wife's ketchup" secretary of state. History beckons!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      John Kerry's so liberal, he waits for THREE women to come first!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Whut? I thought all secretaries were chicks.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      With the Ketchup Advisory Board as a foreign affairs think tank, what could possibly go wrong?

  • Grief_Lessons

    It's time for Obama to extend a bipartisan olive leaf to Ron Paul.

  • littlebigdaddy

    He'll get swift boated.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Look at that bruise. Was he Swiftbooted in the face?

  • Lucidamente1

    Susan Rice’s blend of soft and hard line sits well in the Oval Office.

    Come on, Clinton's been out of the White House for 12 years.

  • Grief_Lessons

    At least we know that when the chips are down, Kerry can win the big ones.

  • prommie

    And then we can make Algore sec. of the Interior, and Dukakis can be sec. of Commerce in Greek Diners, and is they can dig up McGovern and make him sec. of ChooChoo Trains! It will be a regular parade of losers!

  • meatlofer

    If Hillary is retireing,I'm sure Bill would be interested.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Fish heads fish heads,
    Roly poly fish heads,
    Fish heads fish heads,
    Eat them up yum

    (alt text win)

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    America's Next Top Diplomat?
    I might lift my ban on reality TV to watch that one.

  • SteveMcCroskey

    I suppose that boring world leaders with judicious amounts of expertly crafted circumlocution is a form of diplomacy.

    • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

      Nay, it is the ESSENCE of diplomacy

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Only if he'll wear the fancy suit with the top hat like in the days of yore.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Isn't JImmy Carter stiil alive and still American?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Yes and no.

      Alive, but building houses for poor people. Ergo, not American; communist.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Is America ready for a white guy as Sec. of State?

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Mumbly_Joe

      Why are you so RACIST!!!1 against Callista Gingrich??!!

    • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

      Zombie Warren Christopher could bring a bit more pizzazz to the job than Kerry, I reckon.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Please, we are talking about Obama's second term. If the person isn't an imam or a member of the New Black Panther's Party, he doesn't stand a chance.

    • Negropolis

      Louis Farakhan would make a hilarious SoS. And by hilarious I mean disasterous.

  • http://www.proofnpudding.com muthalovin

    Oh, man, Hillary is going to leave some awfully big heels to fill, but I bet if anyone can do it, Kerry can.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Fred Gywnne as SOTS? I don't know about this.

  • slithytoves

    I think I'd rather just ask Hillz to stick around.

    • June_Cleaver2.0

      Hillz needs her rest for 2016.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    My vote goes to George Clooney.

    • June_Cleaver2.0

      He's too decent to be in politics. That's why Stephen Colbert is in comedy. They are my fantasy decent beaus.

      • Terry

        But imagine him in negotiations with other world leaders. People across the table from him would be star struck.

        • Veritas78

          Plus, imagine him in a hostage rescue negotiation. With really good dialogue, and some split-second decision-making?

          Ooh! I think I just had a little orgasm.

  • DaRooster

    All right… I'll do it.

  • Schmannnity

    If the White House is making a short list, it should include Robert Reich

    • Callyson

      Geithner's replacement? I'm down for that…

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I think he'd be a better fit at Labor. And just look at the other six dudes he could bring in as his advisory board!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      LOL. You'd have them move him from the Stupid List?

    • BarackMyWorld

      I see what you did there. Apparently, I was the only one, though…

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Hey now! I'd have to make my reply snow white for it to be any clearer!

        • BarackMyWorld

          Ahh. I didn't get it. Shoulda said "other 6 dwarves" maybe?

    • notreelyhelping

      You think Kucinich would stand for that?

  • whiterabid

    Why not appoint Clarence Thomas? Then he could sleep around instead of only on the bench.

  • SayItWithWookies

    So no truth to the rumor that Hillz and Joe Biden are gonna switch places for the next go-round? Just as well — the first time Joe opened his mouth and let fly one of his trademark gaffes, Hillary would just want to trade back.

    I'm thinking if Romney loses, he should be Sec. of State — hell, he's already used to representing positions he doesn't believe in, so he should be great at the job.

  • Callyson

    U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Susan Rice

    Come on, she's *earned* it after having to deal with the UN. Plus, wasn't Madeline Albright the US Ambassador to the UN before becoming Sec of State? That would make it a traditional promotion in that case.

    Plus, appointing a blah would piss off the wingnuts. Win – win for everyone!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "Plus, appointing a blah would piss off the wingnuts."
      Unless her name is Condoleeza.

      • Callyson

        True, or Colin for that matter.

        Then again, in Wingnut Land, they probably figure "well, they're our blahs so that's OK."

    • BarackMyWorld

      Why stop there? George H. W. Bush was U.N. ambassador, and he went on to have his idiot son elected president!

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    The next warz will, like so many from before, will be about monies, so howz 'bout Paul Krugman? Or perhaps after the Secret Service kerfuffle, maybe Pee Wee Herman?

  • hagajim

    Sean Payton is free. If we make him SOS he could put bounties out on heads of state just for the hell of it. I can picture it now…Karzai isn't working with us, next trooper who can separate his shoulder gets $100K.

  • CapnFatback

    Kerry would make a great Secretary of State, provided that the state in question is a nigh-catatonic one.

    • sullivanst

      He could bore our enemies to death. Diplomacy win!

  • Barb

    Matthew McConaughey?
    Bathe him and bring him to me!

    • ttommyunger

      I would suggest at least two baths and a de-lousing for good measure. Aids test wouldn't hurt, either.

  • not that Dewey

    The Washington Insiders couldn't even beat the Cubs. THE CUBS

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Lurch as Sec State?

    Everyone not US America will start playing the Adams Family Theme instead of the Star Spangled Banner just to see if he gets the joke.

  • metamarcisf

    Now if we're talking about the next Secretary of Steak, Christie's got it nailed.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Shawna appears to have taken a turn for the worse.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Yeast infection. Nothing to worry about.

    • Radiotherapy

      Meet your meat….indeed.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        If ye don't meet yer meat, ye can't have any puddin'!

        • Radiotherapy

          First they came for Kortney, and I said nothing…….

  • Radiotherapy

    Now he's got a Purple Eye to go with his Purple Hearts.

  • BarackMyWorld

    So long as Kerry doesn't try to appoint John Edwards to Deputy Secretary of State.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      He'd be Undersecretary of State for Domestic Affairs. Under Rielle.

    • Negropolis

      Nah, they'd just appoint him the Secretary of Lady Interiors.

  • kapish

    I believe Dennis Kucinich is currently available.

    • Negropolis

      Until he gets a food-related injury, again, and then he'll just sue the administration.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    How about Ainsley Hayes? That'd be bipartisan

    • SteveMcCroskey

      I'm told that theirs is the party of inclusion.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Mel Gibson would probably do it.

  • Poindexter718

    It is my understanding that senior business executive Hermann Cain is presently a minister without portfolio….

  • mavenmaven

    Hiring Kerry would be like having Romney around forever!

  • owhatever


  • Veritas78

    Everyone in Massachusetts would be quietly relieved. Because otherwise we're stuck with the dullest guy in fifty years, and politics is entertainment here.

  • fuflans

    romney will probably nominate bolton or somebody.

    to get in good with baggers.

  • Negropolis

    The president would be wise to stop snatching random Dems out of the legislature for his cabinet. It hasn't exactly worked so well for him, electorally.

  • ttommyunger

    Hil, Kerry: nope. Rice? I'd hit that.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    That's what Mass needs. Another special election.

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    All I saw on that video freeze-frame was


    'nuff said.