hawt speculations

Who Will Be America’s Next Most Historic Secretary of State?

MY FISH HEADS, PLEASEWith Hillary Clinton slow drifting off towards her retirement in the assisted living community of Memes, the Hot Question (not really) in all of Washington is, who will be our nation’s next “top diplomat” to bring us a shooting war in Libya? No, wait, the Hot Question is, who will win the presidential election? If it’s Romney, of course, General McWarDongle will take the reins at Foggy Bottom and declare nuclear war domestically. But if it’s Obama, we’ll likely get the most boring possible choice. Think of the most boring possible choice, now, and then click the clicky! (HINT: IT’S THE GHOUL IN THE TOP PHOTO.)

John Kerry has been kissing ass since forever to become the next Secretary of State, and all the Washington Insiders are buying it. Look, here is Leslie Gelb in the Daily Beast, talking about the Washington Insiders!

Obama’s list centers on John Kerry, chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee; U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Susan Rice; and National Security Adviser Thomas Donilon. According to insiders, Obama is thinking Kerry would travel a lot and successfully, and interfere least with policymaking. Susan Rice’s blend of soft and hard line sits well in the Oval Office. Donilon is regarded as the wisest policy and political head.

Ha ha, “Obama is thinking Kerry would get the fuck out of the way the most.” That’s always how it goes, isn’t it?

[Daily Beast]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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        1. horsedreamer_1

          Stephen Harper, where's the love for another oil patch native son?

          The Weekly Standard is not going to like to find this out.

        2. Negropolis

          Fucking Canada is Regular Canada's cooler, naughtier cousin, which is quite the inverse of Rob Fucking Ford.

    1. UnholyMoses

      I think Dick Cheney is available an evil piece of shit who should be rotting at The Hague for war crimes and quite frankly, also makes me fairly sure there's no higher power because, really, if there were, how the holy fuck is that guy still alive after all the hell he's unleashed instead of suffering a very long, slow, and painful death?

      Fixed to fit what I think … and probably lots of other people, too.

  1. Come here a minute

    Now that we've had the three first woman secretaries of state, it's time to have the first "rich from his wife's ketchup" secretary of state. History beckons!

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      With the Ketchup Advisory Board as a foreign affairs think tank, what could possibly go wrong?

  2. Lucidamente1

    Susan Rice’s blend of soft and hard line sits well in the Oval Office.

    Come on, Clinton's been out of the White House for 12 years.

  3. prommie

    And then we can make Algore sec. of the Interior, and Dukakis can be sec. of Commerce in Greek Diners, and is they can dig up McGovern and make him sec. of ChooChoo Trains! It will be a regular parade of losers!

  4. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    America's Next Top Diplomat?
    I might lift my ban on reality TV to watch that one.

  5. SteveMcCroskey

    I suppose that boring world leaders with judicious amounts of expertly crafted circumlocution is a form of diplomacy.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Yes and no.

      Alive, but building houses for poor people. Ergo, not American; communist.

  6. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Please, we are talking about Obama's second term. If the person isn't an imam or a member of the New Black Panther's Party, he doesn't stand a chance.

    1. June_Cleaver2.0

      He's too decent to be in politics. That's why Stephen Colbert is in comedy. They are my fantasy decent beaus.

      1. Terry

        But imagine him in negotiations with other world leaders. People across the table from him would be star struck.

        1. Veritas78

          Plus, imagine him in a hostage rescue negotiation. With really good dialogue, and some split-second decision-making?

          Ooh! I think I just had a little orgasm.

  7. whiterabid

    Why not appoint Clarence Thomas? Then he could sleep around instead of only on the bench.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    So no truth to the rumor that Hillz and Joe Biden are gonna switch places for the next go-round? Just as well — the first time Joe opened his mouth and let fly one of his trademark gaffes, Hillary would just want to trade back.

    I'm thinking if Romney loses, he should be Sec. of State — hell, he's already used to representing positions he doesn't believe in, so he should be great at the job.

  9. Callyson

    U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Susan Rice

    Come on, she's *earned* it after having to deal with the UN. Plus, wasn't Madeline Albright the US Ambassador to the UN before becoming Sec of State? That would make it a traditional promotion in that case.

    Plus, appointing a blah would piss off the wingnuts. Win – win for everyone!

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      "Plus, appointing a blah would piss off the wingnuts."
      Unless her name is Condoleeza.

      1. Callyson

        True, or Colin for that matter.

        Then again, in Wingnut Land, they probably figure "well, they're our blahs so that's OK."

    2. BarackMyWorld

      Why stop there? George H. W. Bush was U.N. ambassador, and he went on to have his idiot son elected president!

  10. weejee

    The next warz will, like so many from before, will be about monies, so howz 'bout Paul Krugman? Or perhaps after the Secret Service kerfuffle, maybe Pee Wee Herman?

  11. hagajim

    Sean Payton is free. If we make him SOS he could put bounties out on heads of state just for the hell of it. I can picture it now…Karzai isn't working with us, next trooper who can separate his shoulder gets $100K.

  12. CapnFatback

    Kerry would make a great Secretary of State, provided that the state in question is a nigh-catatonic one.

    1. ttommyunger

      I would suggest at least two baths and a de-lousing for good measure. Aids test wouldn't hurt, either.

    1. Negropolis

      Until he gets a food-related injury, again, and then he'll just sue the administration.

  13. Poindexter718

    It is my understanding that senior business executive Hermann Cain is presently a minister without portfolio….

  14. Veritas78

    Everyone in Massachusetts would be quietly relieved. Because otherwise we're stuck with the dullest guy in fifty years, and politics is entertainment here.

  15. Negropolis

    The president would be wise to stop snatching random Dems out of the legislature for his cabinet. It hasn't exactly worked so well for him, electorally.

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