We have found the one musician who would not be enraged to find one of his songs used without permission at a conservative orgy somewhere in America: he is of course Ted Nugent, who attended the NRA’s annual ball gala cotillion this past weekend to sing “songs,” show his support of fast-acting weaponry, and tell America that they should vote for Romney this fall and also as a consequence behead the Democrats. In an America-themed blouson and trusty camo cowboy hat, Nugent proclaimed Obama’s camp to be a “vile, evil America-hating administration” that is “wiping its ass with the Constitution.”

Offstage, Nugent, wearing what appeared to be a casual military uniform, even though he dodged the Vietnam draft (HUNTING IS LIKE WAR!), let loose his ponytail to speak to a near-empty table while wearing an earpiece tasked with injecting the appropriate message into his ears from his home planet. Things he wants you to know, besides the fact that the Constitution is toilet paper to the Dems, who need to have their heads removed: “four” Supreme Court justices don’t even “believe in” the Constitution:

Does everyone here know that four of the Supreme Court justices not only determined you don’t have the right to keep and bear arms, four Supreme Court justices signed their name to a declaration that Americans have no fundamental right to self-defense.

Some guy in a camo baseball cap was nodding his head while Nugent was saying this, as if to say, “Oh yeah, I remember seeing that go down on C-SPAN.”

Some more verbal gemstones:

That sounds like a stoned hippie, that doesn’t sound like a Supreme Court anything.

…My brain can’t accept the information.

We’ll be a suburb of Indonesia next year.

We are Bravehearts.

The videographical evidence:

[Right Wing Watch]

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  • Extemporanus
    • CapnFatback

      Ted is constantly revising the answer to that chorus's question.

  • DaRooster


  • meatpuppet2

    I shudder to think I listened to this clowns music at one time long ago.

    If someone was to use one of his songs at a campaign event I would recommend "cat scratch fever" or "jailbait". I think that would go over well with the blue haired church folk.

    • Boojum

      Wang Dang Sweet Poontang, is my recommendation.

    • Stevola

      Wango Tango

    • johnnymeatworth

      "My Love Is Like a Tire Iron"

    • tessiee

      "The Flying Lip Lock"?

    • flamingpdog

      The only Nugent song I've ever even heard of is "Cat Scratch Fever". I am in awe of all of your's musical knowledge. I think.

    • sham_69

      Jailbait is a Motorhead song.

      • meatpuppet2

        "Ted Nugent's "Jailbait." Song is owned by Ted Nugent and his record company, and Sony Music Entertainment"

  • metamarcisf

    How'd you like to take a Journey to the Center of this guy's mind?

    • sullivanst

      I'd like extremely much not to.

    • How'd you like to take a Journey to the Center of this guy's mind?

      You mean like with a Hellfire missile launched via drone?

      I think you meant a journey to the center of his head.

    • UnholyMoses

      Well, there wouldn't be too many obstacles in the way, so there'd be that …

    • Steverino247

      I think you'd find a very frightened little boy who needs guns and military-looking things around him to feel safe, but that's just the professional experience talking.

      • McDonnellville

        It all started with a bag of tiny plastic army men.

        • Steverino247

          I used to have like a division worth of those guys. I'm sure my grandson would have liked them but they got traded away for something useful, I'm sure.

          No, Ted Nugent is playing off the current support for veterans by dressing like one. He desperately needs his ass kicked.

    • tessiee

      I've already been in an empty cave, so no biggie.

  • edgydrifter

    Penning the lyrics to "Wango Tango" lends so much credibility to Mr. Nugent's theory of governance and jurisprudence.

    • Callyson

      My baby she can move it out My baby she can take a chance My baby got a brand new dance Wango Tango
      Wango Tango It's a Wango Tango Ooooh yeah! Baby!

      That's it, send the other legal scholars home…

  • slamtundra

    “If Barack Obama becomes the president in November, again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year.”

    Don't tease me like that Ted.

    • iburl

      Geez, maybe I WILL donate to the Obama campaign again this time.

    • Oh please. The only things Ted made a serious commitment to was underage poontang and dodging the Draft during Vietnam.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I feel a landslide coming.

    • ElPinche

      Beats a dinner with Obama and Biden. Sending $200 to Obama right now.

    • prommie

      That there sounded a bit like a threat, a threat to the life of the President. Thats the dog-whistle I hear in those words. He's gonna do something thats gonna get him either killed or arrested. Braveheart style!

      • McDonnellville

        I wonder how the stand off with federal agents will last.

        • Until the first roll of Constitution toilet paper runs out.

        • He'd probably piss himself if Janet Napolitano so much as walked down his driveway.

    • rickmaci

      Bwack bwack bwack bwack I'm a chicken hawk, bwack bwack bwack.

    • Promise?

    • horsedreamer_1

      So, Kevorkian's contraption has a few more doses in it?

      Well, at least Ted will be supporting the beleaguered Michigan economy, for once.

      • Biff

        I would hate to see such a useful contraption wasted on the likes of Nugent.

    • C_R_Eature

      Why wait?

  • Exhausted66

    Semen got the first applause.

  • CrunchyKnee

    He has a Stranglehold on the dumb.

    • Beowoof

      Choking it like his chicken.

    • LesPaultard

      Road I cruise is a bitch now baby
      You know you can't do me 'round
      If a house gets in my way baby
      You know I'll burn it down

      You ran that night that you left me
      You put me in my place
      Got you in a stranglehold baby
      Then I crushed your face

      Keep talking, Ted.

  • Barb

    This from the guy whose contribution to the world was "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang"
    I'll pass, thanks!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Ted Nugent? He'll never be as big as Barry Manilow.

    • CapnFatback

      Nor as rock 'n' roll.

  • LesBontemps

    Ted Nugent: Irrelevant Since 1978.

    • gingerland62

      Was he ever really relevant? He was always just an opener.

  • Beowoof

    The ballad Wang Dang Sweet poontang is all that needs to be said about Ted.

  • Eve8Apples

    If you don't get prompt medical treatment for Cat Scratch Fever, your brain returns to its Neanderthal origins and you babble senseless political B.S.

    • Beowoof

      Actually in Ted's case I do believe he is in a syphilitic stupor.

    • Boojum

      Did you know that cat scratch fever is a real disease? You get it from cat scratches and it causes infected lymph nodes and high fever. I had to have a lymph node cut out because of it.

      Good times. Ted Nugent and infected, pustulent lymph nodes.

      • emmelemm

        My mama also got cat scratch fever, back when she was a little young 'un. It's not nearly as romantic as it sounds.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    If we elect Barry, Nuge says he will "either be dead, or in jail by this time next year."

    Editrix, can we finish it if he starts it? Y'know, in good Christian tradition?

    • Beowoof

      Vote for OBAMA.

    • Boojum

      Barry should stand his ground now.

    • tessiee

      Also in the tradition of all kids with siblings:
      "HE STARTED IT!!"

  • Franknflower

    Real America is so much uglier than fake America. Thank Satan I live in Hollywood.

    • SkinnyNerd

      And those mustaches. It is like some kind of prerequisite for assholery.

  • This is one war that Ted won't be shitting and pissing himself to get out of.

  • hagajim

    I think he's been Great White Buffaloed.

  • DaRooster

    Hey Ted, you never go full re…


    • Retail?

    • Generation[redacted]

      retro arena rock?

      • horsedreamer_1

        Just wait. I bet Jack White cuts a record with him.

    • Fare la Volpe


    • McDonnellville


    • Boojum

      Retreat and reload, i.e., Palin?

  • SpiderCrab

    Ted! Show us your dick!

    • Beowoof

      I can see his face so I think he is.

    • DaRooster

      Yeah, spit it out and show us.

    • Callyson

      Oh God no. I'm only just getting over the photo of the Frothy Mix in his swim trunks.

  • LastGasp

    [Image link fail]

  • Eve8Apples

    "We have found the one musician who would not be enraged…"

    Who is the musician? This is a story about a right wing, knuckle walking, cave dwelling, draft dodging idiot.

  • Come here a minute

    President Obama tipped his hand about how tremendously far he is going to roll back gun rights in his second term by not even rolling back gun rights one tiny bit in his first term. The NRA cleverly saw through his cunning plan.

    Guns are teh awesome.

    • Beowoof

      Yeah guns are great unless someone else has one and is shooting back. If Ted had gone to Viet Nam he would have spent most of his time there, stoned or cleaning his undies. Good thing for Ted he learned about war out fighting the ferocious white tail deer with a high powered weapon.

      • Boojum

        Those things are dangerous, with their sharp hooves and flat, herbivorous teeth. Why, you could get scraped raw, if one got a good bite of you!

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      It's funny how the people are so sure that Obama is getting booted out in November are the exact same people who are so sure that Obama will take their guns during his second term.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Anyone remember when Conservatives prided themselves on their intellectual rigor?

    • Or their bravery and honesty and love of women who were legal?


    • HippieEsq

      You mean before Bob Dole did a Viagara commercial with Britney Spears?

    • Eve8Apples

      Conservatives used to look down on the Democratic Party as a bunch of granola eating, mindless, pot smoking hippies.

      Now, they claim the Democratic Party is full of intellectual, educated, ivory tower elites.

      • SayItWithWookies

        That's what happens to granola-eating, mindless, pot-smoking hippies when they graduate.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Yeah, back when they thought that poseur snob William F. Buckley was some sort of genius. He was, in fact, a racist know-nothing moron, but they had no way of figuring that out.

      • McDonnellville

        A bit long but well worth reading:

        • onemoretime79

          Thank you for posting that link. I may have heard about that debate before but not like this. Thanks again.

        • Dudleydidwrong

          Fascinating essay. Thanks for posting that.

        • tessiee

          Thanks for the link. The author's writing is a pleasure to read, not least because the article throws into prominent relief how long and how consistently the right has been on the wrong side of history, human rights, and everything that used to make this a great country.

          Also, speaking as a Sesquipidalian-American, Buckley has always struck me as an annoying poseur who threw around big words to camouflage his lack of anything resembling an insight.

    • You mean back when Buckley went on about the superiority of whites?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Their what?

    • No. But then, I'm only in my late thirties.

    • gingerland62

      No and I'm turning 50 this year.

  • Poindexter718

    "My Bill of Rights goes to 11."

    • Generation[redacted]

      "I'm writing a treatise based on the 18th century enlightenment. It's called 'Lick My Love Pump.'"

    • C_R_Eature

      "Listen, You're not paid to be as Confused as Nigel Nugent!"

    • tessiee

      There's a very fine line between stupid and Nugent…
      And he's erased it.

  • ElPinche

    Help the Nuge make it to the big hunting grounds in the sky or help him join an aryan prison gang:

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Cat scratch fever is a real thing, caused by the microorganism Bartonella henselae.

    • C_R_Eature

      True. Bartonellosis causes swollen lymph nodes, fever and other acute symptoms.

      The effects on aging C- grade Rock Musicians seems to be more severe.

    • It's also a common (and dangerous) opportunistic infection associated with AIDS, which is doubtless how the name of the nightclub in Rent was derived.

    • gingerland62

      I had it. I thought I had cancer. They were about to biopsy when the doctor asked if I had a cat… I had the FEVER.

  • DonnyKerabotsos

    I think Ted's argument about those dreaded 'four" Supreme Court Justices not believing in the right to bear arms gets undermined when the video clearly shows a guy behind him field stripping a machine gun.

    • SkinnyNerd

      Why were all those guys aiming at the roof? Was there a target of something painted up there?

      • McDonnellville

        It was a NRA convention. There were probably targets painted everywhere.

        • With a picture of Barack Obama or Nancy Pelosi as the bull's eye.

          • Boojum

            Surveyor's mark! Jeez, libel is off limits now!

      • It's not unusual to find sparrows or wrens inside a large convention hall, flitting among the rafters, or one of Dick Cheney's friends…

  • littlebigdaddy

    I am waiting word from the members of Blue Oyster Cult before I decide how to vote.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Buck Dharma on line 2.

    • LesPaultard

      The word is:


    • Generation[redacted]

      I think, if asked, they would describe how history shows again and again, how nature points out the folly of man.

  • prommie

    Nice dye-job. Very natural looking. Way to go, Ted.

  • My brain can’t accept the information.

    In fairness to the Nuge, he's stuffed it full working out how to utilize the Velcro™ laces on his shoes.

  • lochnessmonster

    I was friends w/ his am. She's spinning in her grave.

  • Callyson

    Does everyone here know that four of the Supreme Court justices not only determined you don’t have the right to keep and bear arms


    The Second Amendment’s guarantee of an individual right to bear arms applies to state and local gun control laws, the Supreme Court ruled Monday in a 5-to-4 decision.


  • Fare la Volpe


    • McDonnellville

      Old guy (though I wouldn't consider early 60s "old" but, by going at how old he looks, yeah "old") who thought he was the white Jimi Hendrix back in the day who'd end up under a pile of passed out groupies & coke after every concert.

    • AlterNewt

      Just a little man who aimed low and always hit the mark.

      Oh, and some say that he smells funny.

  • PuckStopsHere

    Signs of the Apocalypse: Ted Nugent has a platform from which to speak and both HuffPo and (OMG) Politico today won Pulitzers.

    • swordfis

      I was asking myself this morning if the Pulitzers were given to mediocrities in fields other than mine, and everybody in those fields sat around complaining about it. Then I saw the HP and Politico awards and I realized: it's all bullshit.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Teddy sure loves to talk about seamen.

    • I think you're putting words in his mouth.

      • Generation[redacted]

        I find that hard to swallow.

  • UnholyMoses

    A suburb of … Indonesia?



    Apparently, cat scratch fever has "clinical stupidity on a scale rarely ever seen" as a side effect.

    Or it's the cause. Not sure which.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Seriously. What the fuck does that even mean?

      It's like accusing someone of being a thespian.

      • McDonnellville

        And Indonesia is not even in driving distance because it's down there closer to that Kangaroo country.
        It would have made more sense if said America would become a suburb of Mexico. Not much more sense because it's cities, and not countries, that have suburbs.
        But I'm sure you feel my drift.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Yo, Ted. Gallagher called. He wants his relevance back.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Obama has so far been silent on our right to bear sledgehammers.

  • Too bad President Obama is too big on the whole "the other side can be reasoned with" stupidity to not publicly call this cretin out. Especially mentioning that unlike Nugent, he never literally covered himself with his own feces to get out of serving the country.

    Also, the fact this loser can say this crap without a drone hit or a nice trip to Gitmo shows the teabaggers were/are lying about NDAA.

  • UnholyMoses

    I need a ruling:

    Is hoping for one of Ted's weapons to suffer a massive failure during target practice that results in a rather large and hard-to-survive explosion be against our new commenting guidelines?

    Inquiring minds want to know!

    • Not if you suffix it with, "And he has a speedy and full recovery"

      • Generation[redacted]

        With votes!

        • GunToting[Redacted]

          And surveyor's marks.

    • Generation[redacted]

      I believe such an accident would constitute skullfucking with a machine gun, even if it is self-inflicted.

  • owhatever

    It's not too late, Ted. Fly to Kabul and go kill some Talibans. We thank you in advance for your service.

  • McDonnellville

    It would be too easy for me to take aim at Nugent's comments.

  • Naked_Bunny

    I don't actually know who Ted Nugent is, but every time I hear his name, I get a craving for candy bars.

    • McDonnellville

      The ones containing venison, caramel, & plenty of nuts?

    • flamingpdog

      Makes sense, given what a candyass he is.

    • gingerland62


  • gout

    Talk tough and wave a little dick.

    • Not to mention, the Michigan version of all hat and no cattle.

      • tessiee

        All spinners and no engine?

  • smitallica

    The guy who used to pal around with George W. says THIS government is wiping its ass with the Constitution??

    Hey Nugent. Shut the fuck up.

  • mavenmaven

    "Morons for Romney"

  • meatpuppet2

    Maybe he can talk about what the lyrics of some his songs mean.


    Well I don't care if you're just thirteen
    You look too good to be true
    I just know that you're probably clean
    There's one lil' thing I got to do to you

  • OT:
    (This may have been said already.)
    The new "Meet Your Meat" ad is making me crave rare roast beef.

    • Swampgas_Man

      As long as it's not Arby's, thank you.

  • Boojum

    Well, at least there is no danger that he will be called an elitist intellectual.

    • tessiee

      I'd be amazed if he could even pronounce it.

  • MrsBiggTime

    I would love to see the Dixie Chicks kick this guy in the nuts.

  • Nostrildamus

    verbal gemstones kidney stones

  • Steverino247

    Cat Scratch Fever or General Paresis… Tough call. Blood test, please!

  • An_Outhouse

    I thought draft dodgers often become blithering idiots because of too much drug use. I hear Ted doesn't use drugs so that doesn't explain it. Maybe he got kicked in the head by a horse.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      I'm betting it's from drinking deer piss.

    • Perhaps there are some pharmaceuticals he SHOULD be taking. He talks to himself quite a bit more than the average nutball.

    • Following the wrong advice on cooking and eating squirrel brain.

      • tessiee

        If I recall my days living in the south, the trick is to use NON-rabid squirrels.

    • LetUsBray

      Oh, I'm sure that when he was carrying a week's worth of shit in his pants to get out of being drafted, some of the bacteria went to his brain.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    "We are Bravehearts"

    I WISH you were Braveheart. I would personally spur on the horse attached to your right leg.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Holy shit…the dude bailed on Vietnam because he was tied down with his studies at Oakland Community College?!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "My brain can’t accept the information."

    Identifying the problem is always the first step, Ted. Time to move on to the next…

  • horsedreamer_1

    Jared Loughner is already sharpening his blade.

    Too soon? Blood libel against Ted Nugent?

  • Rotundo_

    Gosh Gonzo Ted, I wonder how those GI's fighting the commies in Vietnam feel about chickenshits who shit and piss themselves to get a looneytunes pass on serving their country and the constitution? Go harvest some more game Teddy, politics is beyond your league and above your dignity, which for someone who presents to the military with a load of shit and piss in their pants is saying something pretty profound.

    • fuflans

      this is true? this is the third reference i've seen about his 'dishonorable discharge'.


      • George Spelvin

        It's how he got rejected at his draft physical.

  • C_R_Eature

    That's no Musician.

  • Stevola

    I've always liked Nugent's music (at least the old stuff) but if he doesn't have a guitar in his hands, he needs to STFU.

    Oh, and none of this is new. He's always been a dick.

  • johnnymeatworth

    Sure, he just wants to pack the Supreme Court with the rest of the Amboy Dukes.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Hey Nuge. Roger Waters grossed over $89.5 million from 56 concerts in the USA alone last year. How much did YOUR last tour make?

  • OneYieldRegular

    I haven't seen that many men with mustaches and other weird facial hair together in one place since the last time I was in a Turkish bath house.

    • tessiee

      Do you like… gladiator movies?

  • fitley

    Aww Bless his heart. Now go be nice to little Teddy. See he wore his pretend Army dress up play outfit for everybody. Isn't he handsome and brave. Salute pretend Army man Teddy. See if he'll autograph your GI Joe. Tell him your dead uncle used to listen to him in Viet Nam. Can Teddy say Viet Nam? Now go cut his head off and crap down his throat.

  • a_pink_poodle

    I dunno, I've been to some really nice suburbs in Indonesia. Even cities outside Jakarta are pretty nice, although I'm bias as I spent my young summers in Bandung.

  • littlebigdaddy

    I guess ol' Ted doesn't realize what percentage of his original fan base were stoned hippies. Who the hell else would listen to that crap?

    • Don't insult hippies. In my college the only people who listened to that crap were frat boys.

      • Boojum

        I had graduated from Ted by sophmore year in high school. Ted is a pubescent boy angst, anger, and anabolic steroid kind of thing. All gonads, disconnected from any neuron above the neck.

    • littlebigdaddy

      I hate to admit it but I was in college then. The biggest Nugent fan in my dorm was a hippy with a bong the size of a bassoon.

      • littlebigdaddy

        I may be thinking of an oboe.

  • Veritas78

    Well, the Romney boys think he is a hep cat, neato, groovy, rad, and chill. So there.

    Who let the dogs out? The Tedster, that's who! 23 skidoo!

  • JackObin

    Musician? That's like calling Little Georgie Bush a statesman.

  • fuflans

    chris cooper wants his dignity back.

  • fuflans

    this is a good endorsement for mittens.

  • tessiee

    Please, the last thing Ted Nugent did that was worth a fart in a 40-acre field was "Journey to the Center of the Mind", and that was in 1968; how much do I care now?

  • DocChaos

    I believe Nugent was the only rock icon from the 70s that wasn't stoned the entire decade, proof the abstinence causes brain damage.

  • "That sounds like a stoned hippie, that doesn’t sound like a Supreme Court anything."
    Is he referring to Scalia's question of whether the government can make you buy broccoli? Ass Scratch Fever indeed, Teddy Boy.

  • The_Trainman

    In effigy I burn a Stereo 8 cartridge containing the song "Cat Scratch Fever" and pray that the NRA turn the Democrats to pillars of salt.

  • Negropolis

    I agree with him; four of the justices don't know the Constitution from a coloring book.

  • miss_grundy

    I think this cracker lives in the Upper Peninsula here in MIchigan, perhaps he could get caught up in some shooting accident. Ya know, like he accidentally gets shot by another dumb cracker. Wouldn't that be fun????

    • Negropolis

      Nope. He moved out of Michigan shortly after Granholm was elected governor, I believe, and has resided in Texas (of course) ever since, thank god.

  • DesertTed

    This motherfucker needs to go on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

  • Terry

    "Offstage, Nugent, wearing what appeared to be a casual military uniform, even though he dodged the Vietnam draft…"

    Wouldn't it be fabulous if when you googled Nugent's name that the first several links that came up were all about draft dodging?

  • WiscDad

    Ted Nugent, the original Snakeskin Cowboy. Funny how what comes around goes around. Fuckin' hack.

  • woodwakr

    Ted's brain has gone wet.

  • Mwahahahaha! Secret Service to investigate Teddy New-gent for his comments about Obama:

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