gather round for a story, my little ones

Dick Cheney has a new heart, and is ready to tell the world of the darkness that is inside it. This weekend, the former vice president showed up at the Republican state convention in Wyoming to tell a crowd what they wanted to hear (there seems to be a lot of money in this!) Sitting in an ugly rainbow chair for one and a half hours, Cheney insulted Obama and the status quo (much of quo came from another status, but never mind), “without seeming to tire.” Because hatred is a powerful elixir, my prrrrecious.

Calling Obama an “unmitigated disaster” for America, Cheney also added:

I can’t think of a time when — ah — I felt it was more important for us to defeat an incumbent president.

Evidently the trauma of the Other Time was removed along with Heart 1.0, or else they took the whole denying brain with the heart, and donated it to “science.”

Fox News was real excited about this news: DICK CHENEY IS TICKED OFF! They tittered, trying very hard to come up with a pun involving the human heart that was not in poor taste. Here is a video:

But “unmitigated disaster” was really as mean as Cheney could muster right now, a mere three weeks into Heart 2.0 (slow clap). Obama is just godawful “with respect to the economy, and tax policy, and defense and some other areas” and to have him reelected would be a … “huge disappointment.” GETTING HIM WHERE IT HURTS.

But if something were to, uh, happen, we wonder, is this really how Mr. C. would like to go out of this world? Saying someone is THE WORST GUY EVER due to the quality of the lemonade that they have been forced to make?

Anyway, the truly best part of all of this —

Fox Nation Says This Post Is INSPIRING. [RealClearPolitics]

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  • nounverb911

    Too bad the speech wasn't given in the Hague.

  • FNMA

    It's inspiring, all right. Right about now, it's inspiring a shit-ton of rage. And a powerful desire to take the rest of the afternoon off and drink.

    • noodlesalad

      Speaking of which, two posts and it's 1 PM. Are we sure our wonket is not observing Patriot Day in the traditional Bostonian way of overindulgence and sunstroke? Come in from yelling at the marathoners, wonket, we need to feel worse about the state of our nation through snark.

  • cheetojeebus

    May I be the first to say. Fuck off.

    • Nostrildamus

      Hear, hear! Well said.

  • nounverb911

    So Cheney DID get Breitbart's heart.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I'm getting so suck if this guy. Will somebody please destroy the ring of power already?

    • Geminisunmars

      That's a great freudian slop, BSFD.

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        Yes, the ring of power is a cock ring.


        • SorosBot

          So Isuldur will have to cut it off by – ew.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Think that might alter Gollum's last-moment decision?

          • SorosBot

            For once, I'll be yelling "use more teeth! More teeth!"

          • BigSkullF*ckingDog

            I always knew I had hidden talents. And now we all know that one of them is writing porn for gay nerds. Great.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            LOTR gay slash fic? I'm sure it's out there somewhere.

            Just don't let Amazon screw you on the e-book pricing.

          • doloras

            It's out there EVERYWHERE. Aragorn/Legolas, their love is so true.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Ew. I think I'll just wait for the HBO miniseries.

    • smoothmineral

      I will toke the ring, though I do not know the way…

    • redarmyzombie

      Quick, where's the Phylactery that's housing his soul? We NEED to destroy it!

    • Pat_Pending

      yeah, I wasn't waiting for no goddamn sequel, fuckhead…

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Oh look, it's patient zero of the zombie apocalypse.

  • mavenmaven

    Yeah, that Obama hasn't carpet bombed enough countries to keep Evil Lord Chaney swimming in blood.

    • CommieLibunatic

      If you only had the word of these assmouths to go on, you'd think Obama exterminated the Jews and abolished fried chicken.

      • sullivanst

        I thought there was a fried chicken mandate in the ACA?

  • Dick just haz a sad because Obama killed his partner in fear-mongering, Osama.

    • Isyaignert

      OBL, Cheney The Dick's partner in the Haliburton corporate profit rescue mission.

  • 1stNewtontheMoon

    And you know what really pisses him off? 80% of the crowd will now be eligible to receive donor hearts without facing the prospect of going bankrupt. Moar Heartz for Cheney!!11!

    • Guppy

      They wouldn't all need new hearts to begin with if they'd listen to some of Michelle's suggestions.

  • Mahousu

    Maybe he can name himself as Romney's VP candidate, too. Should do wonders for Mitt's campaign.

    • James Michael Curley

      Phuleese!! The Constitution only forbids the President from serving more than two terms.

  • JustPixelz

    Considering Romney is basically running to be Dubya's third term (cut taxes, go to war in middle east, leave Wall Street alone), they should put Cheney out front to remind us of how great Repubicans are at governing.

  • swordfis

    OBAMA is an unmitigated disaster???!!! If there were a Nobel Prize in chutzpah Cheney would win it. Win/win: drop Cheney on the Iranian nuclear reactor.

    • freakishlywrong

      Or an Oscar, for projection.

    • Guppy

      The Nobel Committee should just give him the same prize they gave Arafat and Kissinger.

    • sewollef

      "Win/win: drop Cheney on the Iranian nuclear reactor."

      No, no, for god's sake. What have the Iranian people done to deserve that? Imagine the mushroom cloud of shit and bile that would rain down on those poor folks?

      By all means, fire Darth from a cannon directly at the theocratic leadership of Iran. They need some shit up their hooters.

    • GOPCrusher

      Well, if anyone is an expert on unmitigated disasters, it would be Dick Cheney.

  • "Mr. Cheney, Mr. Cheney, your helicopter to Mount Doom is ready. "Mr. Cheney…"

  • Callyson

    Dick Cheney calling Obama an unmitigated disaster reminds me of Bob Dole's rant in 1996 about how we had the worst economy in 50 years…right before the economy took off (after Clinton was re – elected of course.)


    • GOPCrusher

      "The foundations of the economy are sound"

      Juan McCain Sept 2008

  • PeaceWithHonor

    One heart of darkness–stat.

  • Back on the Cheney Gang, eh FOX?

    Except, with apologies to Chrissie Hynde, I'd rephrase that "In the lonely life of a wretched heart." ♫

    • Radiotherapy

      Let me help you out there M.
      Ooh Ah.

      • "like a pigeon from hell… descending like flies.."

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    It's so adorable that Cheney still thinks he's relevant. Now if Fox News would only stop enabling that fantasy…

  • LesBontemps

    Does he still need to drink the blood of infants to stay "alive"?

    • Giveusabob

      I prefer the phrase "mechanically induced hypervolemia" to describe Cheney's preferred waking state. I think that better captures the abject violation of laws of nature which must occur.

    • FNMA

      Nah, it's just for recreation now.

    • sharethegrief

      Don't forget the ground puppy patties, his all time fave.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "I can’t think of a time when — ah — I felt it was more important for us to defeat an incumbent president."

    I can. 2004. Oh well.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Dang. Great minds, etc.

  • Isyaignert

    Cheney The Dick is just projecting – in IMAX. What a fukkin' @sshole!

  • metamarcisf

    Anybody who actually listens to this guy has to be cringing inside. Anyone with a pulse, that is.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Oh, relax … he already took someone's heart.

  • dadanarchist

    Since new site rules insist that we are not allowed to wish for anyone's death, I've got nothing to say about this.

    • CommieLibunatic

      What about wishing that someone beat him with a cock until candy comes out?

      Of Cheney, that is. Not the aforementioned phallus. That'd be fucked up.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Imma not gonna listen to that clip, but the fact that he appears to be clutching at his chest gives me hope.

    • Guppy

      Of what good would it be to wish death upon the undead?

      • Beowoof

        Well we could call in Simon Pegg to give him Shaun of the Dead treatment.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          I'd even sacrifice my record collection for that.

          • nonbeliever7

            No not the records. There's probably a few thousand Zunes available you could throw instead.

  • hagajim

    Why doesn't this Dick just die? Oh right, he can't.

  • gullywompr

    What's in it for this guy any more?

    • IncenseDebate

      He still owes on that debt to Satan.

    • BerkeleyBear

      He reminds me of my wife's grandmother. Nasty piece of work, the running joke in the family as she nears 90 is that she'll bury us all just for spite.

    • Veritas78

      $250 million of Halliburton stock that he's leaving to his evil spawn, Liz?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Dude's got a real heart-on for Obie, huh?

  • CheneysOldHeart

    Don't believe a word that old bastard says. I'm the real Dick Cheney! And boy am I a dick!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "I can’t think of a time when — ah — I felt it was more important for us to defeat an incumbent president."

    That's funny — I can.

  • BerkeleyBear

    Dick Cheney's continuing rantings, Romney's admissions that he has no clue what his tax policy (or any others) would be, but he wants to keep the Dept. of Education only to hurt teacher unions, and Ann Romney outing herself as an opportunistic little bitch ("it was an early birthday present, and I loved it") – this weekend just keeps on giving.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Do you know who else has been accused of being "THE WORST GUY EVER"?

    • nounverb911

      Keith Olbermann?

    • chicken_thief

      Oscar Madison?

    • Dick Cheney?

    • Beowoof

      James O'Keefe

    • Geminisunmars

      Balloon Boy's dad?

    • SayItWithWookies

      The entire cast of "How I Met Your Mother?"

    • GOPCrusher

      Danny DeVito's character on Taxi?

    • redarmyzombie

      King Louis XVI?

    • Veritas78

      Well, I'm sure the list includes Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, Milosevic/Mladic and Amin, but the most hopeful part of Dick's legacy is that he never made it to the big time. Instead, he'll be stuck in a lesser Circle of Hell with Hoxsa, Franco, Pinochet, and Mugabe. Not that he didn't dream of greater crimes!

  • noodlesalad

    It is in America's interest to keep Dick Cheney alive and talking for as long as possible, and then to do the exact opposite of whatever he suggests, like the Oracle of Delphi except the reverse.

    • DetectiveGrey

      The only problem with that plan is that nobody ever listened to the Oracle of Delphi, either.

  • SkinnyNerd

    So I take it his second heart is not a human one either?

    • lochnessmonster

      Closest to human is a pig…

  • Crank_Tango

    So if Dick Cheney says you are terrible, does that mean you are double terrible, or amazing?

  • freakishlywrong

    "Arrest that man".

  • Oblios_Cap

    Cheney's continued existence on this mortal coil is all the proof I need that there is no God.

    • noodlesalad

      To be fair to god, he does keep trying to stop his heart and all that.

      • Oblios_Cap

        A real God would pull a Buddhist Palm – like the guy did in Kung-Fu Hustle – and crush that Dick like the slug he is!

        • redarmyzombie

          "Earlier today, former Vice President Dick Cheney passed away at the RNC after being squashed by a giant tennis shoe…"

  • LesBontemps

    Unmitigated Disatser, meet Unmitigated Gall.

  • I dunno, Dick. Obama hasn't invaded a country on lies and his own personal agenda or helped create the conditions of the financial bomb that blew up in slow motion between 2007 and 2009 or shot anyone in the face. So you "win."

  • Fortunately, Cheney was around to mitigate the shit out of Dumbfuck I and II.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Dastardly war criminal is dastardly.

  • Radiotherapy

    Deficits Cheney doesn't matter.

  • James Michael Curley

    Are you telling me they gave him a human heart?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I think they gave him the heart of a honey badger.

      • James Michael Curley

        Lets send him a kitty. Feline parvo-virus (FPV) and canine distemper are fatal to honey badgers.

  • HempDogbane

    Romney's got a big Dick out front for him !

    • Beowoof

      Ann has offered to unzip and let it swing out in all its firmness.

  • MissTaken

    Fuck me, first dead Tupac's hologram and now undead Cheney. Remember when the dead just floated away never to be heard from again?

    • SorosBot

      I think Elvis first broke that rule.

    • Steverino247

      I think everybody stopped reading after the part where you said, "Fuck me."

      It took discipline, but I made it to the end of your comment and I agree with you.

      • MissTaken

        In the immortal words of Bartle and James, thank you for your support!

        • Steverino247

          I do hope you can afford better than their product.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Ernst Stavro Blofeld doesn't look too well these days.

    • You totally read my mind!!

      (Quit it.)

    • Beowoof

      Love the Bond reference. Perhaps he could use his special license on him. Or we could have the secret service do it with prostitutes.

      • redarmyzombie

        I'm thinking maybe this is a job for Foxy Brown or Black Belt Jones…

  • MissTaken

    Sounds like *someone* is angling for yet another Secretary of Defense post!

    • SorosBot

      Third time's the charm?

  • IncenseDebate

    The question needs to be asked: Is this the most evil guy in American history?

    • freakishlywrong


    • CheneysOldHeart

      Yes, and thank you!

    • prommie

      Yes. If he had a shred of decency he would carve a swastika on his forehead, like Manson, to serve as a warning. The fact that Manson had the decency to do this, while Dick doesn't, is the reason Cheney is the more evil of the two.

    • Biff
  • freakishlywrong

    This man should be utterly shunned in any company. I'd say "polite" or "civilized", but we are talking the GOP here.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I want to live,
    I want to kill
    I've been a villain
    for a heart of gold.
    It's these expressions
    I never give
    That keep me searching
    for a heart of gold
    And I'm getting old.

  • Guppy

    "He might let my daughter marry!"

  • LesBontemps

    Hey Bamz! That was a great decision not to prosecute, huh?

  • Radiotherapy

    What a dick.

  • Obama's an unmitigated disaster like the insurgency was in its last throes. I'm not going to get worked up about Dick's astute analysis of anything.

    Though Maddow's story about him towards the end of this clip is funny in a "God I wish he would die a painful death so I could piss on his grave twice" sort of way.

  • ElPinche

    That new pig heart hasn't affected Prick Cheney's poop throwing arm at all.

    • Radiotherapy

      His go to pitch is a screwball.

    • redarmyzombie

      PIG LIBEL!!!

  • Perhaps if Cheney and his little pals hadn't declared the Obama administration "A disaster! A failure!!" the day after he was elected, I might take him a little more seriously. But probably not.


    • James Michael Curley

      You can tell by its butt its a long distance runner and not a sprinter.

  • prommie

    What he meant to say is that Obama has been an unmitigated BLACK as president.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Calling Obama an “unmitigated disaster” for America, "

    Whereas the Bush/Cheney administration was an unmitigated disaster for Iraq and Afghanistan.

    • redarmyzombie

      On the other hand, a definite boon for North Korea and Iran!

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      And America.

    • I would think the WTC attacks and Katrina made Bush/Cheney a pretty unmitigated disaster in this country as well.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Saddam Hussein has reconstituted nuclear arms. Americans will be greeted as liberators. The Iraqi insurrection is in its last throes.

    Given Cheney's previous record of getting things right, my take-away from his most recent little heart-to-heart is that we should all vote for Obama in 2012.

  • BZ1

    What a wretched, vile entity who doesn't even have the sense of his former overseer, who at least has kept his word not to undermine a sitting president … Is entity the right word? I can't imagine this to be anything else??

  • BaldarTFlagass

    As we used to say back in the day, "Dick, right?"

  • MRjonz

    More proof that the heart is an empty vessel, a meat pump, nothing more; it is Cheney's twisted black soul that animates him.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Villain, not my hero
    Twisted, infectious man
    Somehow you always seem to fail again
    Fake heart, not for healing
    False hope, trick the brain
    I think that deep down you believe we’re insane

    Everybody run
    To cauterize the pain, this evil has a name
    Hell behind the sun
    We consecrate the blame, so evil has a name

  • rickmaci

    The dark side is strong in this one.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh, for those days when Dick Cheney was president (or whatever) and we were stuck in Iraq with no end in sight, Muammar Qaddafi was our ally, we were torturing innocent Afghan farmers because we were afraid to let them out of Gitmo after what we did to them, Dubya was egging the president of Estonia into tweaking Vladimir Putin's nose over who-the-hell knows what, Condi and her Cold Warriors were treating every potential adversary as though it were the Warsaw Pact, and everyone in the executive branch was an ex-CEO of a company that was raking in money hand-over-fist with no-bid military contracts.

    Fuck you, Dick Cheney — really, what the hell did your administration do that didn't inflict lasting and unnecessary harm on the American people and American democracy?

  • XtfrM

    What a waste of a human heart. That should have gone to a young person with something to offer the world, not this disgusting ghoul.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Remember how much Cheney said the Iraq war was going to cost? Well, what's a zero or two on the end…

    • GOPCrusher

      And that the whole affair was going to be paid for by Iraqi oil revenues that we were going to get?

  • MissNancyPriss

    I was kind of naively thinking that the inclusion of a heart in his super structure would make him all nice and stuff, like when Archie Bunker got a blood transfusion from a black guy and started asserting black power at a kkk meeting.

  • XtfrM

    I know there's rarely any point to saying this on the interwebs, but I'm going to, anyway. Dick Cheney – fuck you.
    I'd PAY for the opportunity to say this to his face.

  • SiameseCatLady

    I live in a dream world…my dream is that no one will work for the Cheneys or the Bushes. No one. They would have to take care of their lawns, do all their own cooking & cleaning, and – heaven forbid – drive themselves if they aren't too afraid to leave their homes. They deserve a total snubbing from those of us – actually anyone – who have hearts and minds. I know that in this economy a job is a job but if anyone who works in any capacity for those murdering war mongering liars, PLEASE quit your job and enourage your co-workers to do the same. The images of Cheney cleaning toilets and GWB trying to figure out how to use a toaster oven are too sweet! Hey Babs, how's that yard work coming along? Laura, of course, will be in charge of driving since she has such a stellar record there. And that, my friends, is my dream.

  • Mean0ldWoman

    [Dickl*** must smell the new money in play since the Fed and Middle Class bailed out his and W's butts along with all their bankster fiends after they bankrupted the world economy! Another war and some more tax breaks for his military contractor cronies should have the old prick dancing the Texas 2-step.

  • owhatever

    In the twilight of my life, I would like to bomb the Big Apple, Philadelphia.

  • notreelyhelping

    Isn't he supposed to be petting a white cat?

  • Fluffy_Kitties

    Coming from Cheney, a Sith Master of disaster capitalism, this is high praise indeed.

  • Come here a minute

    Dick was totally cool with Bill Clinton getting reelected.

  • Barrelhse

    And there was NOBODY there to sneak up behind his chair and pop a paper bag? Shit.

  • fuflans

    when i think 'unmitigated disaster' i think iraq, fallujah, katrina, the politicization of the judiciary, defunding stem cell research, saddam's weapons of mass destruction, the unfunded part of Medicare Part D, roberts, alito, the financial crash, the great recession and of course, that backrub for merkel.

    but maybe that's just me.

  • Veritas78

    I wish some kids with intertoob skillz would set up a website: Piss On Dick Cheney While He's Still "Alive"!

    Post a pdf of him, ask people to print it out and make a video of them pissing on it, then post the videos. Email him each day with the newest entries. Be sure to cc: his vile daughter.

    Because after he's dead some cemetery is going to have a serious erosion problem.

  • DahBoner

    Obama opposes gun rights for blind people, the mentally ill and prisoners!!!


  • Native_of_SL_UT

    "with respect to the economy, and tax policy, and defense…"
    I almost gotta agree with Dick on this. These 3 areas were Obama basically inherited/continued the Bush policies bother me a great deal too.
    But come on Dick, couldn't you think of at least one bad thing that Obama did that you hadn't already perfected.

  • MoeDeLawn

    Paraphrasing John Goodman from Liebowski here:

    "Shut the fuck up, Cheney."

  • Stevola

    Is his face twisted like that because he's in constant pain?

  • Troglodeity

    This just might be enough to put Wyoming in the GOP column come November.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢

    …what are the rules on wishing death harm heartworms termites on someone, again?

  • a_pink_poodle

    He would know

  • When President Obama lets a major city get demolished through ineptness, maybe then Cheney could honestly have a valid point.

  • GemlikeFlame

    Let me see if I got this right. The man who presided over two terms of an administration that introduced an unsupportable war based on no concrete evidence with military losses in the 5000+ range and civilian casualties at least ten times that, the largest federal deficit to date, unchecked expansion of the federal bureaucracy in spite of a platform promise to keep government small, and the single most draconian gutting of civil rights we've seen in history is calling a moderate centrist like Barry an unmitigated disaster? That's either a case of megalomania or he's projecting.

  • ttommyunger

    I can see it now: Ted Nugent, Mike Huckabee and Cheney…..ROAD TRIP!

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