secret serviced

Barack Obama Finally Gets A Sex Scandal

Peas are two for 99“Wheels up, rings off,” amirite Secret Service? Maybe! Everything we know about this sexxxy new scandal we learned from Twitter! What else does Twitter have to tell us about the #SecretService getting bom dia-ed in Colombia?

* Pay your prostitute DUMBASS.
* They had a Groupon.
* 10 Recommendations For a quicker and much easier Purchase When Selling Your House
* Obama is probably using hookers too because MOOCHELLE.

* Obama’s lack of leadership duh.
* The character of POTUS’s staff is a direct reflection on poor character of POTUS duh.
* Also Bill Clinton’s fault duh.
* Should former Obama social secretary Desiree Rogers be fired again? Yes she should be fired again.
* Coochie coochie! (Charo)
* Charo is from Spain DUMBASS.
* RON PAUL!

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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189 comments

  1. Tommmcattt

    It's actually refreshing that I have no idea what Rebecca is referring to in this post. Lovely, really.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Oh, you will, you will. CNN has it every five minutes. So far they have reported:

      1. It took place at the President's hotel.
      2. The President is staying at another hotel.
      3. The pleasured men were Secret Service.
      4. The pleasured men were Homeland Security.
      5. It involves a few men.
      6. It involved many men.
      7. The President will have a press conference to address it.
      8. The presser is about the international meeting the president attended, not this.
      9. The President's security is in danger.
      10. The President's security is not in danger.

      Whichever it turns out to be, Janet Napolitano is a lesbian and IT'S OBAMA'S FAULT.

  2. Lucidamente1

    * Obama’s lack of leadership duh.
    * The character of POTUS’s staff is a direct reflection on poor character of POTUS duh.
    * Also Bill Clinton’s fault duh.
    * Should former Obama social secretary Desiree Rogers be fired again? Yes she should be fired again.

    You forgot * Democrats' war on women duh

  3. CapnFatback

    Thank heavens I'm still drunk from last night, or this post might have made no sense whatsoever.

    1. Barb

      I'd still be drunk from last night if the food poisoning didn't jolt me back into reality. It's a good thing Colonel Sanders is dead or I would put on some clogs and kick him to death.

          1. Guppy

            It's the default email signature for iPhone users. It's Apple's little way of letting you know that your friends and coworkers are literally just "phoning it in."

      1. CapnFatback

        Look at the bright side: now you know that botulism is one of the eleven secret herbs and spices. Just think, only ten more taste experiments to go!

        1. Barb

          Thanks Capn! Jeff and I both hate KFC and I have no clue what possessed us to go there.

          Today is the day all of the executives go and pick up trash on the pueblo in a show of respect to the Tribe. Jeff's been out there since 7:00 A.M. and the winds are gusting to 50 mph. Luckily, he didn't eat any of the toxic, moist-free chicken. It kept me from going with him. It also kept me from being a new mommy to the baby puppy he found and gave away. That was my puppy!

          1. mayor_quimby

            Everybody is inexplicably drawn to KFC about every 9 months, you think it can't be that bad, and get a box/bucket of greasy goodness, with corn on a stick and mashed potatoes with lava gravy.
            Then you spend 24 hours giving birth to a , well, you know, and you're good for another 9 months. Strangely we all forget the pain and go back in another 9 months.

      2. bagofmice

        The upside to tiny downtown hotel rooms in SF? You can hit the bowl and the sink at the same time. Ah, food poisoning.

        1. finallyhappy

          same as the Hudson in NYC- I'm 5'2" and it was tough for me to use the toilet- what do you do if you are the size of a real person.

      3. Lascauxcaveman

        Wow! Managing to culture harmful bacteria in food they deep fry at 450° really must take some effort.

        I wonder if they have a special laboratory for that?

        1. Designer_Rants

          What the lab results have shown is that the only way to culture extreme vomit-inducing food borne illness-causing bacterial contagion in the sterile food that comes out of a 450° pressure-cooked environment is to drop it on the floor, kick it under the range, pick it up with a bare hand that was last involved in a no-soap bathroom event, and shove it into a bucket for consumption by KFC customers.

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            Jesus Christ, Barb. Who the hell eats cole slaw from KFC?

            You were begging for the trots.

          2. Barb

            Cavenman, it was Friday, rush hour and the hockey game was starting in 5 minutes. We hate KFC. Heck, we hate fast food. I do love me some Taco Cabana though.

          3. chascates

            Ah, the 24-hour Tex-Mex treat! I miss taking the Austin paper because they often include the 'buy 1, get another for $1' coupons! And I always get the borracho beans!

          4. dinkybossetti

            I will just assume you're watching the same series I am, and ask: did you see the game yesterday afternoon? What a glorious mess! Go Flyers!

      4. Jukesgrrl

        If the libruls hadn't made the Colonel take the ammonium hydroxide out, you wouldn't have got sick. Ammonium hydroxide is delicious and user friendly.

  4. SexySmurf

    The agent was just checking to see if there was an assassin hiding inside that prostitute's vajayjay. With his penis. It's called being thorough.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Oh my God I am so glad you're back. Do you pronounce that V-JAY or veeeejuh? Either way, you should probably check it out pretty good if'n it's on a prostitute. Make sure everything's everything.

        1. FROTHY

          Thanky kindly! (Hugs the beautiful lay-D) I am most sincerely glad to be back, meself.

          Hit don't make no never mind how y'all pronounce it long as ya check it out right. All parts in working order, 'n stuff. Takes some hard work, too.

        1. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

          G'day, ocker~! Ran into a fellow American at the supermarket where I was muttering under my breath about the shameful quality of the produce (ridiculous prices, too), and I promised him if I heard ONE DUMB FUCK whining about "illegal ale-ee-yunz" when I got home, I would smack 'em unconscious with a head of freshly-picked lettuce. Also Oz $$ are worth many Ameros! I R now poor but saddled wiv a taste for violet crumble.

          (Hugs the Moses fondly) Good to be back, cobber!

    1. An_Outhouse

      It coulda been a tranny assassin. These things need to be checked. I say reward him with a medal.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I would use my whole self. Like, arms and legs wrapped tightly around his neck and waist. AND I would do it for free, so no prostitution insinuation OR infiltration. Just sweet sweet protection.

  5. Radio福井県

    * Because of Ann Romney's relentless persecution, martyrdom and personal attacks , Obama has incessantly shown his utter contempt for women duh.

  6. Callyson

    They should have consulted Neil Livingstone's guide on picking up hookers. Would have saved them all this trouble.

  7. Blueb4sunrise

    Lets see:
    Cartagena, Romancing the Stone, MIchael Douglas, The American President, Annette Bening, Fort Benning, School of the Americas, Chattahoochee, Hoochie Coochie
    OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!

    1. HempDogbane

      That should be M1chael Douglas, for British Intelligence reference, and you also left out the Pope.

  8. BerkeleyBear

    Scandal? Because men were drinking and at least one partied with a hooker? The French (and basically every other delegation) are not impressed.

  9. ttommyunger

    The Presidential Protection side of our SS has a well-deserved reputation for hard-drinking, hard partying and deadly boredom. Also seems to attract gun-happy dickwads second only to ATF Types…..BTW, fired is probably the best thing you can hope to get from a Columbian Hooker.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Well, when your job is to take a bullet, drinking like there's no tomorrow starts to make sense.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Yeah, here's me as a secret service agent in a deadly situation:

          "Sorry, Mr. President, I like you and all, but I am soooo outta here."

    2. Tundra Grifter

      ttu:

      Have you seen the Wonkette ad for the new book by former Secret Service agent Clint Hill? It is a memoir about guarding Mrs. Jacqueline Kennedy when she was the First Lady.

      Last night "60 Minutes" did a nice tribute to Mike Wallace, including a bit of his interview with Mr. HIll – the first since the death of John F. Kennedy. Mr. Hill was in tears because he didn't save the President's life by moving more quickly to block the bullet that killed him.

      1. ttommyunger

        No, I didn't see it nor do I know of Hill. I know too much about Feds to believe much of anything I haven't seen with my own eyes. Call me a cynic.

  10. The_Trainman

    ________________________________________________________

    Don't Let Barack Obama & the Democrat Secret Service Insult Women
    ——————————— MOMS DO WORK ———————————–
    ________________________________________________________

  11. CapnFatback

    Really, Rebecca, the absence of linkies suggests that we understand what is going on in the world outside the safe fetal bubble that is our Wonkete. Such an implication is both flattering and charmingly naive.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      There aren't any linkies because responsible news sources are holding out until they have some FACTS. So far, this story is mostly rumors being spread by CNN, which contradicts its own reporting within minutes.

  12. SheriffRoscoe

    Guys I had Dick Durbin onboard my flight yesterday. I realize this is totally off topic, and for that I'm sorry, but I was/am totally starstruck…..ya know I'd rather meet Dick Durbin than any of the Kardashians! He was such a good passenger, too….obeyed the seatbelt sign, turned his electronic devices like he was supposed to…..didn't get shitfaced……

      1. SheriffRoscoe

        I was a stuttering fool, lizzie. I was praying I wouldn't knock something off my tray in front of him, or trip over my own feet. Ohmygod.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      He's a nice guy, but Durbin as lefty heartthrob makes me laugh – he runs as a good ol' boy in downstate Illinois (from there, knows their issues, blah blah) even when no one opposes him. He's all for dirty energy (coal is huge in so. Illinois), lots of yummy pork (much of it for coal technology, funding various schools, the Abe Lincoln Library, etc.), and gets along far too well with the local GOP powers that be for me.

      1. not that Dewey

        Anyway, it's just republican bureaucrats having coke-fueled sex orgies with mining executives at taxpayer expense. It's not as though some lady that nobody cares about implied that Ann Romney is a rich, entitled princess. So there was really no reason to spend an entire week's news cycle harping about it.

    1. C_R_Eature

      Yeah, I'm reading about this "Scandal" and thinking So…this is It?

      I miss the full bore Balls-out "Go Fuck Yourselves" Scandals of Yesteryear. Yet another way Obama's let me down.

  13. C_R_Eature

    What I don't understand is why the Secret Service doesn't bring their own prostitutes. They airlift everything else in. Shit, there's enough room for a whole platoon of prostitutes in one of those C5-A's. Get it together, people!

    1. anniegetyerfun

      This is just another example of illegal immigrants taking our good American jerbs. OK, well, not "illegal", and not "immigrants", since we are in THEIR country and everything, but uh. Well, brown people, I guess.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Exactly! And what about the Filly Bedgetter Fair Pay Act huh?
        Prompt Payment Prevents Pouty Poon.

    2. ThundercatHo

      If they had just gone scuba diving instead they could have been watching some lovely cephalopods doin' the nasty and left the human ho-bags alone.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Exactly right. That would have been a lot cheaper and safer too, from an Epidemological perspective.

        Plus, Cephalopods enjoy being watched.

        1. finallyhappy

          well, maybe but I have a difficult time seeing the cuttlefish at the National Zoo- they hide in the sand. There is only one octopus- so no sexy time there.

          1. Dudleydidwrong

            "There is only one octopus- so no sexy time there."

            Are you sure? What could one do with EIGHT hands…?

          2. C_R_Eature

            That's why the Night Shift is so popular at the National Aquarium. It's amazing what an octopus will do for a nice crunchy lobster.
            It's supposed to be a secret, though, so Shhhhh!

      2. Negropolis

        I missed it, but when did this cuttlefish orgy thing become a thing? I mean, it was literally in the last day or two, but I totally missed it.

        1. C_R_Eature

          Uh…that was me. BaldarTFlagass asked what we'd be looking at on Friday, after the veritable avalanche of Dicks on Thursday. He voted for Boobies. I came up with Cephalopods Mating. I really have no explanation, other than it really amused me and that's just how my mind works. People seem to want to do this again, though so it may become a Friday feature.

  14. MaxUdargo

    Charo may be from Spain, but Shakira is from Colombia, and I think she's the Charo of this younger generation.

    I remember many years ago buying a CD named Pies Descalzos by a sad-faced, emo little Latina morena named Shakira of whom I had never heard. I don't know why I bought it, but it was a lovely little CD with sad songs en espanol about abortion and lost love and lively reggae songs to balance it out. And I'd listen to the songs and look at the pictures of sad, pensive, barefoot, brown-haired Shakira in the liner notes.

    Then they bleached her hair and gave her a perm, taught her to shake her ass and sing in English and sent her to America. One day I turn on my internet and there's my little emomorena in glistening vinyl and golden locks being a coochi coochi girl. Never would have recognized her except for the memorable name. Ay.

    So, anyway. Coochie coochie (Shakira)

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Funny, I recognized the name and face and figure (from channel surfing, maybe?) but I didn't realize she was a singer.

      I just assumed actress/model/whatever.

    2. Negropolis

      When I saw what she used to look like, it blew my mind. She is smart and political as ever, but it's not longer really reflected in her music. She's like the female Bono. Colombia produces a lot of those types.

    3. tcaalaw

      I bought Pies Descalzos many years ago based on the recommendation of the Columbia House CD club, which sent out a flyer once that said, "If you like… then try…," with a big table of Anglo artists on one side and similar Latin artists on the other. The flyer suggested buying Shakira's album if you liked Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill.

  15. DocChaos

    i don't even need to go to freerepublic or foxnation to know that they already have threads a thousand comments long that are entirely convinced that SS agents hooked up with prostitutes only because they followed Obama into a whorehouse.

    1. not that Dewey

      FoxNation commenters are definitely taking that tack. The FreeRepublic commenters are focusing on 'NOBAMA eroded our moral standards and this is what happens" or "liberals never want to pay for anything".

      But the real comedy gold is (naturally) on Breitbart, where the prostitution thing is just a cover story to silence the agents because they have seen too much, or else it is a natural consequence of Obunghole's gang-banger culture of thugs.

  16. Texan_Bulldog

    Some of those SS agents are smoking hot! I know it's sexist to say things like that but I'd have done at least one of them for free. Because I love America.

    1. ThundercatHo

      No kidding. I got to see some close up and even the female agents were nice looking. However, the real hotties were the snipers in their tactical gear.

  17. ThundercatHo

    Were they off duty? Then who gives a shit? Mind your own damn business jealous, loser xtians. Just cuz no one would even fuck you for money don't go ruining everybody's good time.

    1. Negropolis

      Well, that's kind of the problem. The money part.

      Pay your hookers. Otherwise, you're nothing more than a common shop thief.

      Hookers are people too, my friend.

  18. Limeylizzie

    Oh Rebecca, how I love the use of 'Dumbass", StopWonkette appears to have had a lasting impact on you.

  19. CountryClubJihadi

    I have total weakness for Secret Service and State Dept. Agents. I'll never forget my one crowded elevator incident with one. Gun holster accidentally pushed against my tailbone, a little quick hand holding. Seriously. Swoon.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Once when I waited 107 hours for Al Gore to show up somewhere a Secret Service agent showed me that thing he had up his sleeve. No … the other thing. I said sleeve, not pant leg.

  20. GemlikeFlame

    Wait… Cartagena? Wasn't that in some Michael Douglas/Kathleen Turner movie in the 80s? Let me look… Ah, yes. I guess the contemporary version would be Romancing The Bone. [rimshot]

    Thank you, thank you very much. I'll be here all week, remember to tip your server and try the veal.

  21. TanzbodenKoenig

    Rebecca you are like a refreshingly optimistic version of Our Late Editor Ken; still crushingly blunt with the absurd reality of the situation but from more of a glass half full perspective. I haven't thrown the noose over the rafters in weeks now.

  22. DaiMacculate

    One of the top posts on the link:

    "Obama won't comment on whoremongering #SecretService, but no problem shooting his mouth off re: #Trayvon."

    Yes, because they are TOTALLY equivalent. I guess the real tragedy here is that they didn't murder the prostitutes, get away with it?

  23. LiveToServeYa

    This use of an unregistered prostitute is a veritable stain upon the scutcheon of the Secret Service.

  24. Warpde

    Hey! Relax.
    Part of being in the SS is to practice shooting your load into….Oh! Never mind.

  25. Negropolis

    How do any of us know that these hookers weren't FARC rebels, hengh? Our brave men were just taking one for Team America.

  26. misanthrope

    If you read your passport closely it practically mandates this sort of behavior when abroad, incidentally I find the hookers in Prague much more discreet.

  27. DahBoner

    I was in Medallin last year, just to check out the city that many Columbians claimed had the best looking women in Columbia.

    Bwahahaha!

    They looked like trannies to me…

  28. donner_froh

    Editorial in the Wall Street Journal blamed it all on JFK and Clinton–having to guard the door while the Pres got some pussy corrupted all of the Secret Service guys so they all had to go to Columbia and hire hookers.

  29. Tundra Grifter

    The Agent got into an argument with a prostitute over her bill?

    “No, no – I had the ‘half and half.’ It was Steve who got the ‘Around the World.’ And Jackson went for the Buck Loner Special.”

  30. freddymcmurray

    Clearly Obama should be responsible for the actions of all federal government workers. Likewise, Bush should be held accountable for Lyndie England.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      And for the death and terrible cover-up over it of Pat Tillman. And the lies about Jessica Lynch.

  31. DemonicRage

    Ever since that brave Secret Service man jumped across the hood of the car in Dallas and saved JFK from that fatal bullet, I have always looked up to the Secret Service. Oh, wait….

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