Peas are two for 99“Wheels up, rings off,” amirite Secret Service? Maybe! Everything we know about this sexxxy new scandal we learned from Twitter! What else does Twitter have to tell us about the #SecretService getting bom dia-ed in Colombia?

* Pay your prostitute DUMBASS.
* They had a Groupon.
* 10 Recommendations For a quicker and much easier Purchase When Selling Your House
* Obama is probably using hookers too because MOOCHELLE.

* Obama’s lack of leadership duh.
* The character of POTUS’s staff is a direct reflection on poor character of POTUS duh.
* Also Bill Clinton’s fault duh.
* Should former Obama social secretary Desiree Rogers be fired again? Yes she should be fired again.
* Coochie coochie! (Charo)
* Charo is from Spain DUMBASS.

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  • OkieDokieDog


  • Tommmcattt

    It's actually refreshing that I have no idea what Rebecca is referring to in this post. Lovely, really.

  • AlterNewt

    SECRET Service. C'mon assholes, it's right there in the name.

  • Guppy

    I'm disappointed to see that this is the first posting with the "charo" tag.

  • Lucidamente1

    * Obama’s lack of leadership duh.
    * The character of POTUS’s staff is a direct reflection on poor character of POTUS duh.
    * Also Bill Clinton’s fault duh.
    * Should former Obama social secretary Desiree Rogers be fired again? Yes she should be fired again.

    You forgot * Democrats' war on women duh

  • CapnFatback

    Thank heavens I'm still drunk from last night, or this post might have made no sense whatsoever.

    • Barb

      I'd still be drunk from last night if the food poisoning didn't jolt me back into reality. It's a good thing Colonel Sanders is dead or I would put on some clogs and kick him to death.

      • Don't DO that, missy, getting outa jail is expensive.

      • Guppy

        Sent from my iPhone, in the bathroom

        • Barb

          LOL Guppy! Want some chicken?

          • Guppy

            I'm suddenly feeling vegan today. I blame the PETA ads.

        • Can you clue me in on the "Sent from my iPhone" joke? Every time I see that I laugh.

          • Guppy

            It's the default email signature for iPhone users. It's Apple's little way of letting you know that your friends and coworkers are literally just "phoning it in."

      • CapnFatback

        Look at the bright side: now you know that botulism is one of the eleven secret herbs and spices. Just think, only ten more taste experiments to go!

        • Barb

          Thanks Capn! Jeff and I both hate KFC and I have no clue what possessed us to go there.

          Today is the day all of the executives go and pick up trash on the pueblo in a show of respect to the Tribe. Jeff's been out there since 7:00 A.M. and the winds are gusting to 50 mph. Luckily, he didn't eat any of the toxic, moist-free chicken. It kept me from going with him. It also kept me from being a new mommy to the baby puppy he found and gave away. That was my puppy!

          • redarmyzombie

            If it's any consolation, I'm sure you would have made a fine puppy mama.

          • Barb

            Thanks Red, you are so sweet.

          • redarmyzombie

            Y' welcome. ^.^'

          • mayor_quimby

            Everybody is inexplicably drawn to KFC about every 9 months, you think it can't be that bad, and get a box/bucket of greasy goodness, with corn on a stick and mashed potatoes with lava gravy.
            Then you spend 24 hours giving birth to a , well, you know, and you're good for another 9 months. Strangely we all forget the pain and go back in another 9 months.

        • And it's good for removing wrinkles!

      • bagofmice

        The upside to tiny downtown hotel rooms in SF? You can hit the bowl and the sink at the same time. Ah, food poisoning.

        • finallyhappy

          same as the Hudson in NYC- I'm 5'2" and it was tough for me to use the toilet- what do you do if you are the size of a real person.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Wow! Managing to culture harmful bacteria in food they deep fry at 450° really must take some effort.

        I wonder if they have a special laboratory for that?

        • What the lab results have shown is that the only way to culture extreme vomit-inducing food borne illness-causing bacterial contagion in the sterile food that comes out of a 450° pressure-cooked environment is to drop it on the floor, kick it under the range, pick it up with a bare hand that was last involved in a no-soap bathroom event, and shove it into a bucket for consumption by KFC customers.

          • Barb

            Or it could have been the cole slaw they didn't refrigerate.

          • Lascauxcaveman


          • Lascauxcaveman

            Jesus Christ, Barb. Who the hell eats cole slaw from KFC?

            You were begging for the trots.

          • Barb

            Cavenman, it was Friday, rush hour and the hockey game was starting in 5 minutes. We hate KFC. Heck, we hate fast food. I do love me some Taco Cabana though.

          • chascates

            Ah, the 24-hour Tex-Mex treat! I miss taking the Austin paper because they often include the 'buy 1, get another for $1' coupons! And I always get the borracho beans!

          • Barb

            Chas, green or red chilie for you?

          • chascates

            Green! And I like the salsa bar, especially the sweet, smokey one.

          • Barb

            Green here, Chas. Jeff goes for the red.

          • mayor_quimby

            Whoa, I thought that was only Atlanta stripper food!
            Looove the salsa bar too.

          • Barb

            Mayor, I always grab a few limes and some pico de gallo. That's good livin'!

          • dinkybossetti

            I will just assume you're watching the same series I am, and ask: did you see the game yesterday afternoon? What a glorious mess! Go Flyers!

      • If the libruls hadn't made the Colonel take the ammonium hydroxide out, you wouldn't have got sick. Ammonium hydroxide is delicious and user friendly.

  • SexySmurf

    The agent was just checking to see if there was an assassin hiding inside that prostitute's vajayjay. With his penis. It's called being thorough.

    • Well, what ELSE would you use to check a prostitute's veej?

      • AlterNewt

        Always asking the probing questions.

        • C'est moi,dood. Y'all's Prober-In-Chief and Checker-Out of Teh Veejs.

      • FakaktaSouth

        Oh my God I am so glad you're back. Do you pronounce that V-JAY or veeeejuh? Either way, you should probably check it out pretty good if'n it's on a prostitute. Make sure everything's everything.

        • Thanky kindly! (Hugs the beautiful lay-D) I am most sincerely glad to be back, meself.

          Hit don't make no never mind how y'all pronounce it long as ya check it out right. All parts in working order, 'n stuff. Takes some hard work, too.

          • Swampgas_Man

            Veeeejuh was the villain in the first STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE.

          • Dood, that was V'ger. (Goes back to watching STAR TREK: ETC.)

          • redarmyzombie

            *hugs the Frothy*

          • Hugs ya right back, sweetie.

          • hunnybee

            me too hugging the Frothy!

          • (Hugs the busy little bee) Hugs for ALL!

          • redarmyzombie

            Why thank you, uh…Ann-money…

      • MosesInvests

        G'day, Frothy! 'Ow yer doin', mate, orroight? Good to have you back!

        • G'day, ocker~! Ran into a fellow American at the supermarket where I was muttering under my breath about the shameful quality of the produce (ridiculous prices, too), and I promised him if I heard ONE DUMB FUCK whining about "illegal ale-ee-yunz" when I got home, I would smack 'em unconscious with a head of freshly-picked lettuce. Also Oz $$ are worth many Ameros! I R now poor but saddled wiv a taste for violet crumble.

          (Hugs the Moses fondly) Good to be back, cobber!

    • Radio福井県

      Transvaginal probing.

    • An_Outhouse

      It coulda been a tranny assassin. These things need to be checked. I say reward him with a medal.

      • Negropolis

        Trannies are always breaking down and leaking fluid.

  • FraAnima

    Needz moar Brazilian shemales.

    • mayor_quimby

      I have that DVD trilogy…

  • Radiotherapy

    To be fair, trying to protect Obama must be pretty fucking stressful.

    • Fare la Volpe

      But when you stare into those soulful chocolate eyes, the stress just melts away…

      • hunnybee

        it does. i stares a lot.

    • FakaktaSouth

      I would use my whole self. Like, arms and legs wrapped tightly around his neck and waist. AND I would do it for free, so no prostitution insinuation OR infiltration. Just sweet sweet protection.

  • Arkoday

    Secret Service fails to get serviced in secret?

  • It was all just a $100 misunderstanding* having to do with American's lack of foreign language skills.

    *literary reference

    • phlox✔

      *Insert Cunning Linguist Joke Here*

    • Tundra Grifter

      "A Polish officer does not accept money."

      ~ End of a classic Groucho Marx joke.

  • Radio福井県

    * Because of Ann Romney's relentless persecution, martyrdom and personal attacks , Obama has incessantly shown his utter contempt for women duh.

  • Callyson

    They should have consulted Neil Livingstone's guide on picking up hookers. Would have saved them all this trouble.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Don't tell me he made the fatal "double your pleasure, double your trouble" error?

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Lets see:
    Cartagena, Romancing the Stone, MIchael Douglas, The American President, Annette Bening, Fort Benning, School of the Americas, Chattahoochee, Hoochie Coochie

    • HempDogbane

      That should be M1chael Douglas, for British Intelligence reference, and you also left out the Pope.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Even typos are part of the conspiracy……………

        Hoochie Coochie, Muddy Waters, Ethel Waters, Jenny Pope, POPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        Also Jenny Pope was "…a British backpacker who vanished while on a trip around South America."

        • not that Dewey

          HIking? South America? Are you sure it wasn't Maria Belen Chapur?

          • Blueb4sunrise


            [had to googlez]

          • not that Dewey

            [so did I]

  • rocktonsam

    This just in…

    NASCAR drivers are pussyhounds also.


  • BerkeleyBear

    Scandal? Because men were drinking and at least one partied with a hooker? The French (and basically every other delegation) are not impressed.

  • ttommyunger

    The Presidential Protection side of our SS has a well-deserved reputation for hard-drinking, hard partying and deadly boredom. Also seems to attract gun-happy dickwads second only to ATF Types…..BTW, fired is probably the best thing you can hope to get from a Columbian Hooker.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Well, when your job is to take a bullet, drinking like there's no tomorrow starts to make sense.

      • ttommyunger

        I never understood that concept.

        • Fare la Volpe

          Drinking, or bullets?

          • ttommyunger

            Getting caught by your boss with a hooker.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Yeah, here's me as a secret service agent in a deadly situation:

          "Sorry, Mr. President, I like you and all, but I am soooo outta here."

          • ttommyunger


      • AlterNewt

        Ask Clint Hill.

      • hunnybee

        it does. i commend this gawd fearin' mens for courage far beyond the call of duty

    • Tundra Grifter


      Have you seen the Wonkette ad for the new book by former Secret Service agent Clint Hill? It is a memoir about guarding Mrs. Jacqueline Kennedy when she was the First Lady.

      Last night "60 Minutes" did a nice tribute to Mike Wallace, including a bit of his interview with Mr. HIll – the first since the death of John F. Kennedy. Mr. Hill was in tears because he didn't save the President's life by moving more quickly to block the bullet that killed him.

      • ttommyunger

        No, I didn't see it nor do I know of Hill. I know too much about Feds to believe much of anything I haven't seen with my own eyes. Call me a cynic.

  • Ass, grass or gas, no one (not even a Secret Service agent) rides for free.

    • Did you hitch hike in the 70's too?

    • Tundra Grifter

      When the van is rockin'
      Don't bother knockin'.

  • The_Trainman


    Don't Let Barack Obama & the Democrat Secret Service Insult Women
    ——————————— MOMS DO WORK ———————————–

    • Fare la Volpe


    • bagofmice

      Damn straight. A good deep Dickin' takes some work from everyone involved.

    • BarackMyWorld
      • It's true! they're all either single moms or paying for their PHDS. Always one or the other.

      • I was hoping for something so much nastier from your link for some reason. Maybe a 4chan flashback.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Go to Gawker to read Chen's reveal of the Man Who Is GOATSE.

    • That "Democrat" used as an adjective was a nice touch. "Demoncrat" would have been too much.

    • Negropolis

      'Tis true. After all, Bristol is a hard ass-worker.

  • CapnFatback

    Really, Rebecca, the absence of linkies suggests that we understand what is going on in the world outside the safe fetal bubble that is our Wonkete. Such an implication is both flattering and charmingly naive.

    • There aren't any linkies because responsible news sources are holding out until they have some FACTS. So far, this story is mostly rumors being spread by CNN, which contradicts its own reporting within minutes.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Guys I had Dick Durbin onboard my flight yesterday. I realize this is totally off topic, and for that I'm sorry, but I was/am totally starstruck…..ya know I'd rather meet Dick Durbin than any of the Kardashians! He was such a good passenger, too….obeyed the seatbelt sign, turned his electronic devices like he was supposed to…..didn't get shitfaced……

    • Limeylizzie

      Oh I love Dick Durbin, I hope you were well-behaved and didn't go all bi-polar.

      • SheriffRoscoe

        I was a stuttering fool, lizzie. I was praying I wouldn't knock something off my tray in front of him, or trip over my own feet. Ohmygod.

        • Limeylizzie

          I am sure you were positively delightful, he seems so lovely.

    • MissNancyPriss

      that is AWESOME

    • Shit, all I ever got was Arlen Specter.

    • fuflans

      oh man roscoe, i loves me some durbin.

      did you, you know, talk to him?

    • BerkeleyBear

      He's a nice guy, but Durbin as lefty heartthrob makes me laugh – he runs as a good ol' boy in downstate Illinois (from there, knows their issues, blah blah) even when no one opposes him. He's all for dirty energy (coal is huge in so. Illinois), lots of yummy pork (much of it for coal technology, funding various schools, the Abe Lincoln Library, etc.), and gets along far too well with the local GOP powers that be for me.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Any comment on this yet from David Vitter?

    • No diapers.

      • Yes, the Demoncrats are so cheap, they don't even require their prostitutes to have special training. War of Women!!1!!!

    • bagofmice

      I doubt it, you know how sensitive he is about leaks.

  • not that Dewey

    Well unless the Secret Service agents were sexing up potential Obama assassins, I don't really see that there is a conflict of interest.

    • re: your link; good. GAWD. I must've missed that. What's that line from modest mouse — their good times are killing me.

      • not that Dewey

        Crazy, huh? I guess it is good news for people who like bad news…

      • not that Dewey

        Anyway, it's just republican bureaucrats having coke-fueled sex orgies with mining executives at taxpayer expense. It's not as though some lady that nobody cares about implied that Ann Romney is a rich, entitled princess. So there was really no reason to spend an entire week's news cycle harping about it.

    • C_R_Eature

      Yeah, I'm reading about this "Scandal" and thinking So…this is It?

      I miss the full bore Balls-out "Go Fuck Yourselves" Scandals of Yesteryear. Yet another way Obama's let me down.

  • ChernobylSoup

    The real scandal is the he paid her with counterfeit bills.

  • ElPinche

    Cain is kicking himself for not using our sexxy secret services now.

  • StanleyPain2

    Clearly this is the result of having a Muslin president.

  • C_R_Eature

    What I don't understand is why the Secret Service doesn't bring their own prostitutes. They airlift everything else in. Shit, there's enough room for a whole platoon of prostitutes in one of those C5-A's. Get it together, people!

    • anniegetyerfun

      This is just another example of illegal immigrants taking our good American jerbs. OK, well, not "illegal", and not "immigrants", since we are in THEIR country and everything, but uh. Well, brown people, I guess.

      • C_R_Eature

        Exactly! And what about the Filly Bedgetter Fair Pay Act huh?
        Prompt Payment Prevents Pouty Poon.

    • ThundercatHo

      If they had just gone scuba diving instead they could have been watching some lovely cephalopods doin' the nasty and left the human ho-bags alone.

      • C_R_Eature

        Exactly right. That would have been a lot cheaper and safer too, from an Epidemological perspective.

        Plus, Cephalopods enjoy being watched.

        • finallyhappy

          well, maybe but I have a difficult time seeing the cuttlefish at the National Zoo- they hide in the sand. There is only one octopus- so no sexy time there.

          • Dudleydidwrong

            "There is only one octopus- so no sexy time there."

            Are you sure? What could one do with EIGHT hands…?

          • C_R_Eature

            That's why the Night Shift is so popular at the National Aquarium. It's amazing what an octopus will do for a nice crunchy lobster.
            It's supposed to be a secret, though, so Shhhhh!

          • C_R_Eature

            They will come out if you show them your genitals. Try it, you'll see.

      • Negropolis

        I missed it, but when did this cuttlefish orgy thing become a thing? I mean, it was literally in the last day or two, but I totally missed it.

        • C_R_Eature

          Uh…that was me. BaldarTFlagass asked what we'd be looking at on Friday, after the veritable avalanche of Dicks on Thursday. He voted for Boobies. I came up with Cephalopods Mating. I really have no explanation, other than it really amused me and that's just how my mind works. People seem to want to do this again, though so it may become a Friday feature.

          • Geminisunmars

            Yay. Freaky Fridays.

  • Charo may be from Spain, but Shakira is from Colombia, and I think she's the Charo of this younger generation.

    I remember many years ago buying a CD named Pies Descalzos by a sad-faced, emo little Latina morena named Shakira of whom I had never heard. I don't know why I bought it, but it was a lovely little CD with sad songs en espanol about abortion and lost love and lively reggae songs to balance it out. And I'd listen to the songs and look at the pictures of sad, pensive, barefoot, brown-haired Shakira in the liner notes.

    Then they bleached her hair and gave her a perm, taught her to shake her ass and sing in English and sent her to America. One day I turn on my internet and there's my little emomorena in glistening vinyl and golden locks being a coochi coochi girl. Never would have recognized her except for the memorable name. Ay.

    So, anyway. Coochie coochie (Shakira)

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Funny, I recognized the name and face and figure (from channel surfing, maybe?) but I didn't realize she was a singer.

      I just assumed actress/model/whatever.

    • Negropolis

      When I saw what she used to look like, it blew my mind. She is smart and political as ever, but it's not longer really reflected in her music. She's like the female Bono. Colombia produces a lot of those types.

    • Max, you might like Roberta Sa also.

    • tcaalaw

      I bought Pies Descalzos many years ago based on the recommendation of the Columbia House CD club, which sent out a flyer once that said, "If you like… then try…," with a big table of Anglo artists on one side and similar Latin artists on the other. The flyer suggested buying Shakira's album if you liked Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill.

  • DocChaos

    i don't even need to go to freerepublic or foxnation to know that they already have threads a thousand comments long that are entirely convinced that SS agents hooked up with prostitutes only because they followed Obama into a whorehouse.

    • not that Dewey

      FoxNation commenters are definitely taking that tack. The FreeRepublic commenters are focusing on 'NOBAMA eroded our moral standards and this is what happens" or "liberals never want to pay for anything".

      But the real comedy gold is (naturally) on Breitbart, where the prostitution thing is just a cover story to silence the agents because they have seen too much, or else it is a natural consequence of Obunghole's gang-banger culture of thugs.

  • C_R_Eature

    "Hey, now…you mean to tell me that you girls don't accept American Express!?"

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Some of those SS agents are smoking hot! I know it's sexist to say things like that but I'd have done at least one of them for free. Because I love America.

    • ThundercatHo

      No kidding. I got to see some close up and even the female agents were nice looking. However, the real hotties were the snipers in their tactical gear.

    • Limeylizzie

      Can we charge them?

  • Aridzona

    Senator Vitters (R-LA) is available to consult on all manners related to paying for sex.

  • ThundercatHo

    Were they off duty? Then who gives a shit? Mind your own damn business jealous, loser xtians. Just cuz no one would even fuck you for money don't go ruining everybody's good time.

    • Negropolis

      Well, that's kind of the problem. The money part.

      Pay your hookers. Otherwise, you're nothing more than a common shop thief.

      Hookers are people too, my friend.

    • hunnybee

      damn straight!

  • Limeylizzie

    Oh Rebecca, how I love the use of 'Dumbass", StopWonkette appears to have had a lasting impact on you.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    I have total weakness for Secret Service and State Dept. Agents. I'll never forget my one crowded elevator incident with one. Gun holster accidentally pushed against my tailbone, a little quick hand holding. Seriously. Swoon.

    • Once when I waited 107 hours for Al Gore to show up somewhere a Secret Service agent showed me that thing he had up his sleeve. No … the other thing. I said sleeve, not pant leg.

    • Barrelhse

      That was no gun holster.

  • GemlikeFlame

    Wait… Cartagena? Wasn't that in some Michael Douglas/Kathleen Turner movie in the 80s? Let me look… Ah, yes. I guess the contemporary version would be Romancing The Bone. [rimshot]

    Thank you, thank you very much. I'll be here all week, remember to tip your server and try the veal.

  • Rebecca you are like a refreshingly optimistic version of Our Late Editor Ken; still crushingly blunt with the absurd reality of the situation but from more of a glass half full perspective. I haven't thrown the noose over the rafters in weeks now.

  • DaiMacculate

    One of the top posts on the link:

    "Obama won't comment on whoremongering #SecretService, but no problem shooting his mouth off re: #Trayvon."

    Yes, because they are TOTALLY equivalent. I guess the real tragedy here is that they didn't murder the prostitutes, get away with it?

    • fuflans

      yes in fact it IS obamas secret service.


  • Well at least our President is in safe hands.

  • LiveToServeYa

    This use of an unregistered prostitute is a veritable stain upon the scutcheon of the Secret Service.

  • Warpde

    Hey! Relax.
    Part of being in the SS is to practice shooting your load into….Oh! Never mind.

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    Those brave secret service agents took the vag for the president. Bless them!

  • fuflans

    finally! an obama scandal wonkette can get behind!

  • Barrelhse


  • Negropolis

    * Charo is from Spain DUMBASS.

    Also, bom dia is Portuguese, you know, like Bo. Also.

  • Negropolis

    How do any of us know that these hookers weren't FARC rebels, hengh? Our brave men were just taking one for Team America.

  • DalePues

    Divorce, Colombian style.

  • So that's what they meant by putting women on the agenda at the Columbia Summit of the Americas.

  • misanthrope

    If you read your passport closely it practically mandates this sort of behavior when abroad, incidentally I find the hookers in Prague much more discreet.

  • owhatever

    Men behaving badly on a business trip. Stop the presses.

  • DahBoner

    I was in Medallin last year, just to check out the city that many Columbians claimed had the best looking women in Columbia.


    They looked like trannies to me…

  • Editorial in the Wall Street Journal blamed it all on JFK and Clinton–having to guard the door while the Pres got some pussy corrupted all of the Secret Service guys so they all had to go to Columbia and hire hookers.

  • Tundra Grifter

    The Agent got into an argument with a prostitute over her bill?

    “No, no – I had the ‘half and half.’ It was Steve who got the ‘Around the World.’ And Jackson went for the Buck Loner Special.”

  • freddymcmurray

    Clearly Obama should be responsible for the actions of all federal government workers. Likewise, Bush should be held accountable for Lyndie England.

    • Tundra Grifter

      And for the death and terrible cover-up over it of Pat Tillman. And the lies about Jessica Lynch.

  • DemonicRage

    Ever since that brave Secret Service man jumped across the hood of the car in Dallas and saved JFK from that fatal bullet, I have always looked up to the Secret Service. Oh, wait….

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