Appropriate Bon Jovi lyrics hereLord Ahmed of Rotherham, a suspiciously Muslin-sounding Labour peer, was suspended last night after allegedly claiming he would put up a £10million bounty for the capture of Barack Obama, for pallin’ around with terrists and also for putting up a $10 million bounty of his own for Hafiz Muhammed Saeed, the alleged orchestrator of the 2008 Mumbai attacks. Ahmed is seeking retribution for the bounty placed on Mr. Saeed, who help create Lashkar-e-Taiba, a militant group. Ahmed calls it an ‘insult to all Muslims.’ The US stands firm insisting that it is only intended to insult the completely batshit Muslim extremists.

Ahmed was born in Pakistan and is Britain’s first Muslim peer. He feels Mr. Obama ‘challenged the dignity of the Muslim Ummah (community). The bounty is not just for President Obama. The offer is also extended to the capture of Citizen George W. Bush. The US strongly condemns the placing of any bounty on President Obama and let it be known to everyone that nobody puts Barry in a corner. The US also gave a strong message when it announced that Citizen Bush likes to make a midnight run to Whataburger alone every Saturday in his blue pickup truck.

Ahmed’s remarks caused an immediate suspension according to a Labour spokesperson.

“We have suspended Lord Ahmed pending investigation. If these comments are accurate we utterly condemn these remarks which are totally unacceptable. ”

Patrick Mercer, Tory MP for Newark and former chairman of the Commons counter-terrorism sub-committee, gave a statement regarding Ahmed’s words.

“I struggle to see how encouraging the detention of the President of the United States fits with membership of the Lords, one of our great parliamentary institutions. There is a major distinction between the President of a great democracy and a man who, although only a suspect, is wanted in connection to a terrible atrocity.”

When Ahmad was asked how he felt about the suspension he couldn’t believe it. It soon became obvious to all involved that everyone has been lying but him.

“They have suspended me? That’s a surprise to me. I did not know. I never said those words. I did not offer a bounty. I said that there have been war crimes committed in Iraq and Afghanistan and those people who have got strong allegations against them – George W Bush and Tony Blair – have been involved in illegal wars and should be brought to justice. I do not think there’s anything wrong with that. If the Labour Party want to suspend me I will deal with the Labour Party. They will have to give me some evidence.”

Ten minutes after Ahmed made his statement, he placed a bounty on anyone who is able to provide proof that he placed a bounty. [DailyMail]

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  • nounverb911

    Guess who just got himself put on the "No-fly" list.

    • Dick Cheney?

    • Grief_Lessons

      John Denver?

    • Me? Cuz there ain't no flies on me!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Dog The Bounty Hunter?

    • AlterNewt

      Curtis Mayfield? Oh. Never mind.

    • GOPCrusher

      Jeff Goldblum?

    • MosesInvests

      Vincent Price?

    • Crank_Tango

      MC Hammer?

    • Negropolis

      Snakes, in general?

  • Madfall

    Stories about brown people from the Daily Mail are not to be relied upon, since that newspaper is basically a bigot's paradise.

    • Callyson

      I've heard that the locals call it the Daily Fail.

      • b[redact]opple

        Or, the Daily Hate Mail, also, too.

      • sewollef

        Back in the day, the Daily Mail actually supported Oswald Mosley's British Union of Fascists in the run up to WWII. And in more recent times, it has been known to 'downplay' racist attacks as "isolated incidents".

        As far as I understand it, the family that owned it back then, owns it now in some kinda 'trust'.

      • doloras

        Or the Daily Heil.

    • Giveusabob

      Hang on! You mean it may not be absolutely true because I read it in the Daily Mail?

      • jqheywood

        That was Brilliant!

    • DWW

      Google #LordNazir and you'll get your answer…

  • AlterNewt

    Not to worry. The Secret Service is on the case.

    • nounverb911

      But first a stop at Madame Fifi's.

    • Radiotherapy

      Where's Clint Hill when you need him? Oh, I guess he's on another job.

    • OneDollarJuana

      I think the Secret Service has a case. Or dose, as it were.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Bloody wogs.

  • Respitetini

    "Patrick Mercer, Tory MP for Newark"

    Total fake. Newark's voted pure Labour for as long as I can remember.

    • sullivanst
      • Respitetini

        Totally. Now, Bergen County? That's Tory. Basking Ridge? Tory. But Newark, never.

        • James Michael Curley

          I left Bergen in competent Dem hands.

        • sullivanst


          Yes, I have a kid at UDel, where they put the emphasis on the second syllable, so as to make it sound like an ark which is new (which presumably was the intent all along).

    • Hell, Newark has The Batman now!

  • LesBontemps

    Enjoy your trip to Gitmo, "Lord" Ahmed!

  • Radiotherapy

    What an unmitigated dick.

    • nounverb911

      Seems to be today's theme.

      • And last week it was geologic peeders. Our Editrix seems to be turning our Wonkette into a penile colony.

  • Grief_Lessons

    "they will have to give me some proof"

    Funny how someone can be such an intermittent fan of due process.

  • freakishlywrong

    Dick. Dick needs a bounty on his head. Preferably, wrapped around his neck.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Wait, Newark has a Member of Parliament? Hey, Britain, never mind about that whole "taxation without representation" thing. Our bad.

    • LesBontemps

      Cory Booker now represents Newark in Parliament because New Jersey is just no longer big enough for him.

    • Terry

      The Oranges are much more Funkadelic.

  • Steverino247

    Two dozen lashes on the main deck of HMS Victory should teach him to STFU.

    • nounverb911

      Three dozen lashes from the Mel Gibson remake.

      • Steverino247

        The cat's out of the bag for sure if half of what is attributed to him is true.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Citizen Bush likes to make a midnight run to Whataburger"

    Is this Erik guy from Texas? That's a pretty damned localized reference.

    • DahBoner

      They have them in other shithole locations, ex. Phoenix…

    • Terry

      Oh, I love me some Whataburger. In the mid-80's, used to have to drive up to College Stagnation, excuse me, College Station from Galveston fairly regularly and the only thing that made that frickin trip bearable was the Whataburger, there by where Hwy 6 makes that odd right turn. Hempstead, TX, I think.

  • We know how this will end. Greedo comes looking for Barry, mentions something about British Lords who have "no use for Preznits who drop their Hellfires at the first sign of an Islamic terrorist." Then Obama shoots first.

    • Boojum

      And the tea angers go nuts because a blah shot first. "Hypocrits! Zimmerman forevar!"

      Edit: Autocorrect has become aware. It changed "teabaggers" to "tea angers".

    • Negropolis

      Han just stood his ground, don't you know.

  • Callyson

    So, how will FOX News report this story?

    Muslim Terrorist Makes $10M Contribution to Obama Campaign

    Obama Connection to Lashkar-e-Taiba–Exclusive Story!

    George W Bush Threatened by Terrorists, US Fails to Defend Former President

  • Addled peer poopage? Lord Ahmed better watch out or the Zombie Queen Mum will drop by and haunt his ass.

  • BZ1

    Suspended? why is he there in the first place??

  • sullivanst

    Lesson number one of the British media:

    NEVER trust the Daily Mail. Especially when they print something apparently damaging about a Labour politician. This is the paper that endorsed Hitler, and went downhill from there.

  • Schmannnity

    Ten million Bounty? That's a lot of paper towels.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Can we get paid in Brawny. He's hot!

      • LesBontemps

        How hot could he be if he's 10 million pounds?

        • Jus_Wonderin

          True. You have a point. But, we could hope the distribution of those pounds would yeild a proportioned body and one huge weewee. <g>

    • Dashboard Buddha

      I don't mean to brag, but back in the day when my Casanova kung fu was high, my nickname was Bounty* because I was the "quicker picker upper".

      *This is, of course, a lie.

  • ElPinche

    Barry to Lord Ahmed: Take a ticket and wait your turn bitch

  • Terry

    How on Earth will Fox News cover this? They must be in quite the little quandary over there.

  • SorosBot

    "the Lords, one of our great parliamentary institutions."

    Uh, yeah, no.

    • Guppy

      You prefer the US Senate?

      • Negropolis

        At least they are elected, but both are pretty shitty bodies, no doubt.

  • IncenseDebate

    Britain's Dick! Spotted Dick?

    • LesBontemps

      I spotted dick just this morning, then I gave him what for.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Last week my favorite right-wing radio personalities were making a huge stink about the New Black Panthers putting an alleged million-dollar bounty on George Zimmerman's head — nevermind that the NBP is two guys who have a stick and a beret between them. Anyway, I'm sure they're right now being equally indignant about Lord Ahmed of Woofington's little publicity stunt.

  • These places' names such as "Whataburger" make me laugh til the tepid coffee shoots out my nose — until I realize someday this could be my employer. "Name?" "Mumbletypeg." "Place of employment?" "Whataburger." It is no longer funny-sounding when you realize how unemployable you are if/when one's current employment should get budget-bulldozed.

    Still Erik — that image of Dubya gunnin' the motor for his late-nite snack is priceless.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      In the current economy, Whataburger is only accepting applications from job-seekers with a masters or PhD.

  • SmutBoffin

    He called the US a "great democracy".

    Lol, I says, LOL.

  • dadanarchist

    I like Lord Ahmed's odds in the GOP's Vice Presidential sweepstakes.

  • BZ1

    There wasn't enuf crazy in the House of Lords??

  • Oblios_Cap

    The US also gave a strong message when it announced that Citizen Bush likes to make a midnight run to Whataburger alone every Saturday in his blue pickup truck.

    That US. – always being helpful and strengthening our Special Relationship™ with our Limey Bastard buddies.

  • MissTaken

    10 million pounds? For just $50k he could get a trip to the inauguration. Austerity, people!

  • IncenseDebate

    Nobody was really sure if he was from the House of Lords

    • BarackMyWorld

      Beat me to it, damn you!

      • IncenseDebate

        I finally win at something. I get the pounds 10 mil, right?

        • Oblios_Cap

          he's damn sure a hole.

        • Boojum

          No, but I'd love to turn you on.

    • To be sure, he didn't notice that the lights had changed.

    • Negropolis

      If he's not careful, Barry'll put 4,000 holes in Blackburn, Lancashire.

  • larryfinexx

    Maybe this can be worked into a new episode of The Bounty Hunter, with that blond mullett guy and his fat big bosomed wife going to the White House and breaking down some doors.

    • Biff

      I can see it now, as he breaks down the presidential bedroom door, saying "Go with god, Blah".

  • Dashboard Buddha

    "we utterly condemn these remarks which are totally unacceptable. ”

    Now see, a person from anyplace normal would say this. Had the dude been a US Representative, the official statement would have been, "while we strongly disagree with the gentleman from Bugfuckistan, we respect his right to express those views. Then they'd bring in David Vitter to give him a big 'ol hug.

    • redarmyzombie

      Well, not if he's Muslin…

      • Dashboard Buddha


    • GOPCrusher

      Or claim that he was just taken out of context and it was a Liberal plot to deny him his First Amendment Rights.

    • Republicans would just smirk and blame the "liberal media" or pull that "we are sorry if you are offended" stupidity.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Isn't "a spot of bother" pretty much the same thing as laying in the wet spot?

  • mavenmaven

    I thought life in the House of Lords went more or less like this

    • sullivanst

      Not remotely accurate – there's noone sleeping on the benches of the House.

      • mavenmaven

        If you see the actual movie, in the scene where O'Toole addresses the House of Lords, not only are they sleeping, but they are all dead skeletons. Its a movie well worth watching, O'Toole's performance is brilliant and quite terrifying.

  • Biff

    As if the CC&R's in citizen shrub's new 'hood would allow a pick-up truck…

  • BarackMyWorld

    A crowd of people stood and stared. They'd seen his face before, nobody was really sure if he was from the House of Lords.

    Edit: IncenseDebate wins by 4 minutes.

    • IncenseDebate

      J. Lennon beat us both by 45 years.

  • So that "special relationship" really does involve the short bus, huh?

  • Mahousu

    Ahmed's picking on the wrong presidents. George Washington was just voted Britain's greatest enemy.

    This may seem a little dated, but even centuries later, feelings are apparently still raw. Matthew Hughes of London's Brunel University called him "not particularly pleasant ideologically." Harsh.

    • Guppy

      Andrew Jackson would have done things to them that the Editrix frowns upon if he'd been given half the chance.

    • trondant

      Of course Washington was. Remember, the man fucked the shit out of bears.

      • doloras

        Threw a knife into heaven and could kill with a glare.

  • James Michael Curley

    Lord Ahmed sounds like a natural for the remake of The Ruling Class

  • Come here a minute

    The US also gave a strong message when it announced that Citizen Bush likes to make a midnight run to Whataburger alone every Saturday in his blue pickup truck.

    Texas plates "GOP ROX"

  • JackDempsey1

    This is bad news for Barry. He can't do the usual "let's split the difference, we're all agreeable agree-ers who happen to disagree" beer summit because of the basic disagreement between our undrinkably cold piss-inducing (slightly) alcohol-containing fermented beverage versus their equally undrinkable warm piss-inducing fermented beverage.

    • sullivanst

      Largely irrelevant if Lord Ahmed is as teetotal as his alleged support of Islamic militants would suggest he ought to be.

  • swordfis

    I'm not too sure about this: it could be bullshit:

    • DahBoner

      Something got lost in the translation.

      Perhaps he really was talking about The Quicker Picker-Upper…

      • Dashboard Buddha

        But I never met the dude.

  • proudgrampa

    Christ. I KNEW the Right Wing infestation in the US was going to turn into a contagion. worldwide.

  • DahBoner

    Lord Ahmed: This curry makes me furry

  • Barrelhse

    And speaking of the British, happy Patriot's Day from Historic Lexington-Concord.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      "Patriot's Day"

      Ohhhh…that's why those fuckers didn't pick up my trash today.

  • Boojum

    I want to know what Dame Noonington of Nooninghamshire thinks about this, what?

  • Regardless, I think Lord Ahmed of Rotheringham is about the coolest name ever.

  • fuflans

    meh. i don't care if he's the first muslim peer. he is now automatically a foppish popinjay.

    my money's on barry.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Anybody who quotes what he said is lying?
    Where have I heard that before?

  • Radiotherapy

    I thought we were supposed to hate all mommy's now.

    • jqheywood

      No one ever tells me anything……

  • Patrick Mercer, "great democracy doesn't mean what you think it means.

  • gussley

    My cabbie said its a pack of lies. Sure, laugh but I trust the average Pakistani immigrant cabbie more than the average scandal sheet.

  • Negropolis

    Oh, why don't you just bugger off you bloody wanker.

    That's what they say in England, right?

  • ttommyunger

    For that kind of money, Barry should turn himself in and then call the 82nd Airborne to make his bail.

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