mutiny and a bounty

British Lord In Spot Of Bother After Putting $10 Million Bounty on Barack Obama’s Head

Appropriate Bon Jovi lyrics hereLord Ahmed of Rotherham, a suspiciously Muslin-sounding Labour peer, was suspended last night after allegedly claiming he would put up a £10million bounty for the capture of Barack Obama, for pallin’ around with terrists and also for putting up a $10 million bounty of his own for Hafiz Muhammed Saeed, the alleged orchestrator of the 2008 Mumbai attacks. Ahmed is seeking retribution for the bounty placed on Mr. Saeed, who help create Lashkar-e-Taiba, a militant group. Ahmed calls it an ‘insult to all Muslims.’ The US stands firm insisting that it is only intended to insult the completely batshit Muslim extremists.

Ahmed was born in Pakistan and is Britain’s first Muslim peer. He feels Mr. Obama ‘challenged the dignity of the Muslim Ummah (community). The bounty is not just for President Obama. The offer is also extended to the capture of Citizen George W. Bush. The US strongly condemns the placing of any bounty on President Obama and let it be known to everyone that nobody puts Barry in a corner. The US also gave a strong message when it announced that Citizen Bush likes to make a midnight run to Whataburger alone every Saturday in his blue pickup truck.

Ahmed’s remarks caused an immediate suspension according to a Labour spokesperson.

“We have suspended Lord Ahmed pending investigation. If these comments are accurate we utterly condemn these remarks which are totally unacceptable. ”

Patrick Mercer, Tory MP for Newark and former chairman of the Commons counter-terrorism sub-committee, gave a statement regarding Ahmed’s words.

“I struggle to see how encouraging the detention of the President of the United States fits with membership of the Lords, one of our great parliamentary institutions. There is a major distinction between the President of a great democracy and a man who, although only a suspect, is wanted in connection to a terrible atrocity.”

When Ahmad was asked how he felt about the suspension he couldn’t believe it. It soon became obvious to all involved that everyone has been lying but him.

“They have suspended me? That’s a surprise to me. I did not know. I never said those words. I did not offer a bounty. I said that there have been war crimes committed in Iraq and Afghanistan and those people who have got strong allegations against them – George W Bush and Tony Blair – have been involved in illegal wars and should be brought to justice. I do not think there’s anything wrong with that. If the Labour Party want to suspend me I will deal with the Labour Party. They will have to give me some evidence.”

Ten minutes after Ahmed made his statement, he placed a bounty on anyone who is able to provide proof that he placed a bounty. [DailyMail]

About the author

Erik Jay is currently unemployed, but has a history of managing various motels and quitting customer service jobs on day 1. He still feels accomplished graduating from a continuation high school in 1989.

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  1. Madfall

    Stories about brown people from the Daily Mail are not to be relied upon, since that newspaper is basically a bigot's paradise.

      1. sewollef

        Back in the day, the Daily Mail actually supported Oswald Mosley's British Union of Fascists in the run up to WWII. And in more recent times, it has been known to 'downplay' racist attacks as "isolated incidents".

        As far as I understand it, the family that owned it back then, owns it now in some kinda 'trust'.

  2. Respitetini

    "Patrick Mercer, Tory MP for Newark"

    Total fake. Newark's voted pure Labour for as long as I can remember.

        1. sullivanst


          Yes, I have a kid at UDel, where they put the emphasis on the second syllable, so as to make it sound like an ark which is new (which presumably was the intent all along).

  3. Grief_Lessons

    "they will have to give me some proof"

    Funny how someone can be such an intermittent fan of due process.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    Wait, Newark has a Member of Parliament? Hey, Britain, never mind about that whole "taxation without representation" thing. Our bad.

    1. LesBontemps

      Cory Booker now represents Newark in Parliament because New Jersey is just no longer big enough for him.

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    "Citizen Bush likes to make a midnight run to Whataburger"

    Is this Erik guy from Texas? That's a pretty damned localized reference.

    1. Terry

      Oh, I love me some Whataburger. In the mid-80's, used to have to drive up to College Stagnation, excuse me, College Station from Galveston fairly regularly and the only thing that made that frickin trip bearable was the Whataburger, there by where Hwy 6 makes that odd right turn. Hempstead, TX, I think.

  6. ManchuCandidate

    We know how this will end. Greedo comes looking for Barry, mentions something about British Lords who have "no use for Preznits who drop their Hellfires at the first sign of an Islamic terrorist." Then Obama shoots first.

    1. Boojum

      And the tea angers go nuts because a blah shot first. "Hypocrits! Zimmerman forevar!"

      Edit: Autocorrect has become aware. It changed "teabaggers" to "tea angers".

  7. Callyson

    So, how will FOX News report this story?

    Muslim Terrorist Makes $10M Contribution to Obama Campaign

    Obama Connection to Lashkar-e-Taiba–Exclusive Story!

    George W Bush Threatened by Terrorists, US Fails to Defend Former President

  8. sullivanst

    Lesson number one of the British media:

    NEVER trust the Daily Mail. Especially when they print something apparently damaging about a Labour politician. This is the paper that endorsed Hitler, and went downhill from there.

        1. Jus_Wonderin

          True. You have a point. But, we could hope the distribution of those pounds would yeild a proportioned body and one huge weewee. <g>

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      I don't mean to brag, but back in the day when my Casanova kung fu was high, my nickname was Bounty* because I was the "quicker picker upper".

      *This is, of course, a lie.

  9. Terry

    How on Earth will Fox News cover this? They must be in quite the little quandary over there.

  10. SayItWithWookies

    Last week my favorite right-wing radio personalities were making a huge stink about the New Black Panthers putting an alleged million-dollar bounty on George Zimmerman's head — nevermind that the NBP is two guys who have a stick and a beret between them. Anyway, I'm sure they're right now being equally indignant about Lord Ahmed of Woofington's little publicity stunt.

  11. Mumbletypeg

    These places' names such as "Whataburger" make me laugh til the tepid coffee shoots out my nose — until I realize someday this could be my employer. "Name?" "Mumbletypeg." "Place of employment?" "Whataburger." It is no longer funny-sounding when you realize how unemployable you are if/when one's current employment should get budget-bulldozed.

    Still Erik — that image of Dubya gunnin' the motor for his late-nite snack is priceless.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      In the current economy, Whataburger is only accepting applications from job-seekers with a masters or PhD.

  12. Oblios_Cap

    The US also gave a strong message when it announced that Citizen Bush likes to make a midnight run to Whataburger alone every Saturday in his blue pickup truck.

    That US. – always being helpful and strengthening our Special Relationship™ with our Limey Bastard buddies.

  13. MissTaken

    10 million pounds? For just $50k he could get a trip to the inauguration. Austerity, people!

  14. larryfinexx

    Maybe this can be worked into a new episode of The Bounty Hunter, with that blond mullett guy and his fat big bosomed wife going to the White House and breaking down some doors.

    1. Biff

      I can see it now, as he breaks down the presidential bedroom door, saying "Go with god, Blah".

  15. Dashboard Buddha

    "we utterly condemn these remarks which are totally unacceptable. ”

    Now see, a person from anyplace normal would say this. Had the dude been a US Representative, the official statement would have been, "while we strongly disagree with the gentleman from Bugfuckistan, we respect his right to express those views. Then they'd bring in David Vitter to give him a big 'ol hug.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Or claim that he was just taken out of context and it was a Liberal plot to deny him his First Amendment Rights.

      1. mavenmaven

        If you see the actual movie, in the scene where O'Toole addresses the House of Lords, not only are they sleeping, but they are all dead skeletons. Its a movie well worth watching, O'Toole's performance is brilliant and quite terrifying.

  16. BarackMyWorld

    A crowd of people stood and stared. They'd seen his face before, nobody was really sure if he was from the House of Lords.

    Edit: IncenseDebate wins by 4 minutes.

  17. Mahousu

    Ahmed's picking on the wrong presidents. George Washington was just voted Britain's greatest enemy.

    This may seem a little dated, but even centuries later, feelings are apparently still raw. Matthew Hughes of London's Brunel University called him "not particularly pleasant ideologically." Harsh.

    1. Guppy

      Andrew Jackson would have done things to them that the Editrix frowns upon if he'd been given half the chance.

  18. Come here a minute

    The US also gave a strong message when it announced that Citizen Bush likes to make a midnight run to Whataburger alone every Saturday in his blue pickup truck.

    Texas plates "GOP ROX"

  19. JackDempsey1

    This is bad news for Barry. He can't do the usual "let's split the difference, we're all agreeable agree-ers who happen to disagree" beer summit because of the basic disagreement between our undrinkably cold piss-inducing (slightly) alcohol-containing fermented beverage versus their equally undrinkable warm piss-inducing fermented beverage.

    1. sullivanst

      Largely irrelevant if Lord Ahmed is as teetotal as his alleged support of Islamic militants would suggest he ought to be.

    1. DahBoner

      Something got lost in the translation.

      Perhaps he really was talking about The Quicker Picker-Upper…

  20. proudgrampa

    Christ. I KNEW the Right Wing infestation in the US was going to turn into a contagion. worldwide.

  21. fuflans

    meh. i don't care if he's the first muslim peer. he is now automatically a foppish popinjay.

    my money's on barry.

  22. gussley

    My cabbie said its a pack of lies. Sure, laugh but I trust the average Pakistani immigrant cabbie more than the average scandal sheet.

  23. Negropolis

    Oh, why don't you just bugger off you bloody wanker.

    That's what they say in England, right?

  24. ttommyunger

    For that kind of money, Barry should turn himself in and then call the 82nd Airborne to make his bail.

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