MUTINY AND A BOUNTY  1:22 pm April 16, 2012

British Lord In Spot Of Bother After Putting $10 Million Bounty on Barack Obama’s Head

by Erik Jay

Appropriate Bon Jovi lyrics hereLord Ahmed of Rotherham, a suspiciously Muslin-sounding Labour peer, was suspended last night after allegedly claiming he would put up a £10million bounty for the capture of Barack Obama, for pallin’ around with terrists and also for putting up a $10 million bounty of his own for Hafiz Muhammed Saeed, the alleged orchestrator of the 2008 Mumbai attacks. Ahmed is seeking retribution for the bounty placed on Mr. Saeed, who help create Lashkar-e-Taiba, a militant group. Ahmed calls it an ‘insult to all Muslims.’ The US stands firm insisting that it is only intended to insult the completely batshit Muslim extremists.

Ahmed was born in Pakistan and is Britain’s first Muslim peer. He feels Mr. Obama ‘challenged the dignity of the Muslim Ummah (community). The bounty is not just for President Obama. The offer is also extended to the capture of Citizen George W. Bush. The US strongly condemns the placing of any bounty on President Obama and let it be known to everyone that nobody puts Barry in a corner. The US also gave a strong message when it announced that Citizen Bush likes to make a midnight run to Whataburger alone every Saturday in his blue pickup truck.

Ahmed’s remarks caused an immediate suspension according to a Labour spokesperson.

“We have suspended Lord Ahmed pending investigation. If these comments are accurate we utterly condemn these remarks which are totally unacceptable. ”

Patrick Mercer, Tory MP for Newark and former chairman of the Commons counter-terrorism sub-committee, gave a statement regarding Ahmed’s words.

“I struggle to see how encouraging the detention of the President of the United States fits with membership of the Lords, one of our great parliamentary institutions. There is a major distinction between the President of a great democracy and a man who, although only a suspect, is wanted in connection to a terrible atrocity.”

When Ahmad was asked how he felt about the suspension he couldn’t believe it. It soon became obvious to all involved that everyone has been lying but him.

“They have suspended me? That’s a surprise to me. I did not know. I never said those words. I did not offer a bounty. I said that there have been war crimes committed in Iraq and Afghanistan and those people who have got strong allegations against them – George W Bush and Tony Blair – have been involved in illegal wars and should be brought to justice. I do not think there’s anything wrong with that. If the Labour Party want to suspend me I will deal with the Labour Party. They will have to give me some evidence.”

Ten minutes after Ahmed made his statement, he placed a bounty on anyone who is able to provide proof that he placed a bounty. [DailyMail]

 

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{ 125 comments }

nounverb911 April 16, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Guess who just got himself put on the "No-fly" list.

weejee April 16, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Dick Cheney?

Grief_Lessons April 16, 2012 at 1:30 pm

John Denver?

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Me? Cuz there ain't no flies on me!

Lascauxcaveman April 16, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Dog The Bounty Hunter?

AlterNewt April 16, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Curtis Mayfield? Oh. Never mind.

GOPCrusher April 16, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Jeff Goldblum?

MosesInvests April 16, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Vincent Price?

Crank_Tango April 16, 2012 at 3:27 pm

MC Hammer?

Negropolis April 17, 2012 at 1:54 am

Snakes, in general?

Madfall April 16, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Stories about brown people from the Daily Mail are not to be relied upon, since that newspaper is basically a bigot's paradise.

Callyson April 16, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I've heard that the locals call it the Daily Fail.

b[redact]opple April 16, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Or, the Daily Hate Mail, also, too.

sewollef April 16, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Back in the day, the Daily Mail actually supported Oswald Mosley's British Union of Fascists in the run up to WWII. And in more recent times, it has been known to 'downplay' racist attacks as "isolated incidents".

As far as I understand it, the family that owned it back then, owns it now in some kinda 'trust'.

doloras April 16, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Or the Daily Heil.

Giveusabob April 16, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Hang on! You mean it may not be absolutely true because I read it in the Daily Mail? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eBT6OSr1TI

jqheywood April 16, 2012 at 3:25 pm

That was Brilliant!

DWW April 16, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Google #LordNazir and you'll get your answer…

AlterNewt April 16, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Not to worry. The Secret Service is on the case.

nounverb911 April 16, 2012 at 1:27 pm

But first a stop at Madame Fifi's.

Radiotherapy April 16, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Where's Clint Hill when you need him? Oh, I guess he's on another job.

OneDollarJuana April 16, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I think the Secret Service has a case. Or dose, as it were.

BaldarTFlagass April 16, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Bloody wogs.

Respitetini April 16, 2012 at 1:27 pm

"Patrick Mercer, Tory MP for Newark"

Total fake. Newark's voted pure Labour for as long as I can remember.

sullivanst April 16, 2012 at 1:33 pm
Respitetini April 16, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Totally. Now, Bergen County? That's Tory. Basking Ridge? Tory. But Newark, never.

James Michael Curley April 16, 2012 at 1:54 pm

I left Bergen in competent Dem hands.

sullivanst April 16, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Really?

Yes, I have a kid at UDel, where they put the emphasis on the second syllable, so as to make it sound like an ark which is new (which presumably was the intent all along).

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Hell, Newark has The Batman now!

LesBontemps April 16, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Enjoy your trip to Gitmo, "Lord" Ahmed!

Radiotherapy April 16, 2012 at 1:28 pm

What an unmitigated dick.

nounverb911 April 16, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Seems to be today's theme.

weejee April 16, 2012 at 1:39 pm

And last week it was geologic peeders. Our Editrix seems to be turning our Wonkette into a penile colony.

Grief_Lessons April 16, 2012 at 1:28 pm

"they will have to give me some proof"

Funny how someone can be such an intermittent fan of due process.

freakishlywrong April 16, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Dick. Dick needs a bounty on his head. Preferably, wrapped around his neck.

BaldarTFlagass April 16, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Wait, Newark has a Member of Parliament? Hey, Britain, never mind about that whole "taxation without representation" thing. Our bad.

LesBontemps April 16, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Cory Booker now represents Newark in Parliament because New Jersey is just no longer big enough for him.

Terry April 16, 2012 at 2:08 pm

The Oranges are much more Funkadelic.

Steverino247 April 16, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Two dozen lashes on the main deck of HMS Victory should teach him to STFU.

nounverb911 April 16, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Three dozen lashes from the Mel Gibson remake.

Steverino247 April 16, 2012 at 1:36 pm

The cat's out of the bag for sure if half of what is attributed to him is true.

BaldarTFlagass April 16, 2012 at 1:31 pm

"Citizen Bush likes to make a midnight run to Whataburger"

Is this Erik guy from Texas? That's a pretty damned localized reference.

DahBoner April 16, 2012 at 2:11 pm

They have them in other shithole locations, ex. Phoenix…

Terry April 16, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Oh, I love me some Whataburger. In the mid-80's, used to have to drive up to College Stagnation, excuse me, College Station from Galveston fairly regularly and the only thing that made that frickin trip bearable was the Whataburger, there by where Hwy 6 makes that odd right turn. Hempstead, TX, I think.

ManchuCandidate April 16, 2012 at 1:31 pm

We know how this will end. Greedo comes looking for Barry, mentions something about British Lords who have "no use for Preznits who drop their Hellfires at the first sign of an Islamic terrorist." Then Obama shoots first.

Boojum April 16, 2012 at 2:05 pm

And the tea angers go nuts because a blah shot first. "Hypocrits! Zimmerman forevar!"

Edit: Autocorrect has become aware. It changed "teabaggers" to "tea angers".

Negropolis April 17, 2012 at 1:56 am

Han just stood his ground, don't you know.

Callyson April 16, 2012 at 1:31 pm

So, how will FOX News report this story?

Muslim Terrorist Makes $10M Contribution to Obama Campaign

Obama Connection to Lashkar-e-Taiba–Exclusive Story!

George W Bush Threatened by Terrorists, US Fails to Defend Former President

weejee April 16, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Addled peer poopage? Lord Ahmed better watch out or the Zombie Queen Mum will drop by and haunt his ass.

BZ1 April 16, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Suspended? why is he there in the first place??

sullivanst April 16, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Lesson number one of the British media:

NEVER trust the Daily Mail. Especially when they print something apparently damaging about a Labour politician. This is the paper that endorsed Hitler, and went downhill from there.

Schmannnity April 16, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Ten million Bounty? That's a lot of paper towels.

Jus_Wonderin April 16, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Can we get paid in Brawny. He's hot!

LesBontemps April 16, 2012 at 2:07 pm

How hot could he be if he's 10 million pounds?

Jus_Wonderin April 16, 2012 at 2:17 pm

True. You have a point. But, we could hope the distribution of those pounds would yeild a proportioned body and one huge weewee. <g>

Dashboard Buddha April 16, 2012 at 4:21 pm

I don't mean to brag, but back in the day when my Casanova kung fu was high, my nickname was Bounty* because I was the "quicker picker upper".

*This is, of course, a lie.

ElPinche April 16, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Barry to Lord Ahmed: Take a ticket and wait your turn bitch

Terry April 16, 2012 at 1:33 pm

How on Earth will Fox News cover this? They must be in quite the little quandary over there.

SorosBot April 16, 2012 at 1:33 pm

"the Lords, one of our great parliamentary institutions."

Uh, yeah, no.

Guppy April 16, 2012 at 1:55 pm

You prefer the US Senate?

Negropolis April 17, 2012 at 1:58 am

At least they are elected, but both are pretty shitty bodies, no doubt.

IncenseDebate April 16, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Britain's Dick! Spotted Dick?

LesBontemps April 16, 2012 at 2:08 pm

I spotted dick just this morning, then I gave him what for.

SayItWithWookies April 16, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Last week my favorite right-wing radio personalities were making a huge stink about the New Black Panthers putting an alleged million-dollar bounty on George Zimmerman's head — nevermind that the NBP is two guys who have a stick and a beret between them. Anyway, I'm sure they're right now being equally indignant about Lord Ahmed of Woofington's little publicity stunt.

Mumbletypeg April 16, 2012 at 1:34 pm

These places' names such as "Whataburger" make me laugh til the tepid coffee shoots out my nose — until I realize someday this could be my employer. "Name?" "Mumbletypeg." "Place of employment?" "Whataburger." It is no longer funny-sounding when you realize how unemployable you are if/when one's current employment should get budget-bulldozed.

Still Erik — that image of Dubya gunnin' the motor for his late-nite snack is priceless.

BaldarTFlagass April 16, 2012 at 1:42 pm

In the current economy, Whataburger is only accepting applications from job-seekers with a masters or PhD.

trampndirtdown April 16, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Must be currently employed also too.

SmutBoffin April 16, 2012 at 1:34 pm

He called the US a "great democracy".

Lol, I says, LOL.

dadanarchist April 16, 2012 at 1:35 pm

I like Lord Ahmed's odds in the GOP's Vice Presidential sweepstakes.

BZ1 April 16, 2012 at 1:35 pm

There wasn't enuf crazy in the House of Lords??

Oblios_Cap April 16, 2012 at 1:36 pm

The US also gave a strong message when it announced that Citizen Bush likes to make a midnight run to Whataburger alone every Saturday in his blue pickup truck.

That US. – always being helpful and strengthening our Special Relationship™ with our Limey Bastard buddies.

MissTaken April 16, 2012 at 1:36 pm

10 million pounds? For just $50k he could get a trip to the inauguration. Austerity, people!

IncenseDebate April 16, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Nobody was really sure if he was from the House of Lords

BarackMyWorld April 16, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Beat me to it, damn you!

IncenseDebate April 16, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I finally win at something. I get the pounds 10 mil, right?

Oblios_Cap April 16, 2012 at 1:54 pm

he's damn sure a hole.

Boojum April 16, 2012 at 2:09 pm

No, but I'd love to turn you on.

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 1:59 pm

To be sure, he didn't notice that the lights had changed.

Negropolis April 17, 2012 at 2:03 am

If he's not careful, Barry'll put 4,000 holes in Blackburn, Lancashire.

larryfinexx April 16, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Maybe this can be worked into a new episode of The Bounty Hunter, with that blond mullett guy and his fat big bosomed wife going to the White House and breaking down some doors.

Biff April 16, 2012 at 1:48 pm

I can see it now, as he breaks down the presidential bedroom door, saying "Go with god, Blah".

Dashboard Buddha April 16, 2012 at 1:38 pm

"we utterly condemn these remarks which are totally unacceptable. ”

Now see, a person from anyplace normal would say this. Had the dude been a US Representative, the official statement would have been, "while we strongly disagree with the gentleman from Bugfuckistan, we respect his right to express those views. Then they'd bring in David Vitter to give him a big 'ol hug.

redarmyzombie April 16, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Well, not if he's Muslin…

Dashboard Buddha April 16, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Natch

GOPCrusher April 16, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Or claim that he was just taken out of context and it was a Liberal plot to deny him his First Amendment Rights.

glamourdammerung April 16, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Republicans would just smirk and blame the "liberal media" or pull that "we are sorry if you are offended" stupidity.

Oblios_Cap April 16, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Isn't "a spot of bother" pretty much the same thing as laying in the wet spot?

mavenmaven April 16, 2012 at 1:40 pm

I thought life in the House of Lords went more or less like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oWWG9YmpuI

sullivanst April 16, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Not remotely accurate – there's noone sleeping on the benches of the House.

mavenmaven April 16, 2012 at 2:47 pm

If you see the actual movie, in the scene where O'Toole addresses the House of Lords, not only are they sleeping, but they are all dead skeletons. Its a movie well worth watching, O'Toole's performance is brilliant and quite terrifying.

Biff April 16, 2012 at 1:40 pm

As if the CC&R's in citizen shrub's new 'hood would allow a pick-up truck…

BarackMyWorld April 16, 2012 at 1:40 pm

A crowd of people stood and stared. They'd seen his face before, nobody was really sure if he was from the House of Lords.

Edit: IncenseDebate wins by 4 minutes.

IncenseDebate April 16, 2012 at 1:49 pm

J. Lennon beat us both by 45 years.

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 1:43 pm

So that "special relationship" really does involve the short bus, huh?

Mahousu April 16, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Ahmed's picking on the wrong presidents. George Washington was just voted Britain's greatest enemy.

This may seem a little dated, but even centuries later, feelings are apparently still raw. Matthew Hughes of London's Brunel University called him "not particularly pleasant ideologically." Harsh.

Guppy April 16, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Andrew Jackson would have done things to them that the Editrix frowns upon if he'd been given half the chance.

trondant April 16, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Of course Washington was. Remember, the man fucked the shit out of bears.

doloras April 16, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Threw a knife into heaven and could kill with a glare.

James Michael Curley April 16, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Lord Ahmed sounds like a natural for the remake of The Ruling Class

Come here a minute April 16, 2012 at 1:50 pm

The US also gave a strong message when it announced that Citizen Bush likes to make a midnight run to Whataburger alone every Saturday in his blue pickup truck.

Texas plates "GOP ROX"

JackDempsey1 April 16, 2012 at 1:57 pm

This is bad news for Barry. He can't do the usual "let's split the difference, we're all agreeable agree-ers who happen to disagree" beer summit because of the basic disagreement between our undrinkably cold piss-inducing (slightly) alcohol-containing fermented beverage versus their equally undrinkable warm piss-inducing fermented beverage.

sullivanst April 16, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Largely irrelevant if Lord Ahmed is as teetotal as his alleged support of Islamic militants would suggest he ought to be.

swordfis April 16, 2012 at 1:59 pm

I'm not too sure about this: it could be bullshit:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-17732128

DahBoner April 16, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Something got lost in the translation.

Perhaps he really was talking about The Quicker Picker-Upper…

Dashboard Buddha April 16, 2012 at 4:23 pm

But I never met the dude.

proudgrampa April 16, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Christ. I KNEW the Right Wing infestation in the US was going to turn into a contagion. worldwide.

Mumbly_Joe April 16, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Did someone say global wingnuttery pandemic?

actor212 April 16, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Birf Flu?

DahBoner April 16, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Lord Ahmed: This curry makes me furry

Barrelhse April 16, 2012 at 2:10 pm

And speaking of the British, happy Patriot's Day from Historic Lexington-Concord.

Dashboard Buddha April 16, 2012 at 4:23 pm

"Patriot's Day"

Ohhhh…that's why those fuckers didn't pick up my trash today.

Boojum April 16, 2012 at 2:12 pm

I want to know what Dame Noonington of Nooninghamshire thinks about this, what?

gurukalehuru April 16, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Regardless, I think Lord Ahmed of Rotheringham is about the coolest name ever.

fuflans April 16, 2012 at 2:25 pm

meh. i don't care if he's the first muslim peer. he is now automatically a foppish popinjay.

my money's on barry.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 16, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Anybody who quotes what he said is lying?
Where have I heard that before?

Radiotherapy April 16, 2012 at 3:12 pm

I thought we were supposed to hate all mommy's now.

jqheywood April 16, 2012 at 3:27 pm

No one ever tells me anything……

donner_froh April 16, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Patrick Mercer, "great democracy doesn't mean what you think it means.

gussley April 16, 2012 at 7:19 pm

My cabbie said its a pack of lies. Sure, laugh but I trust the average Pakistani immigrant cabbie more than the average scandal sheet.

Negropolis April 17, 2012 at 1:52 am

Oh, why don't you just bugger off you bloody wanker.

That's what they say in England, right?

ttommyunger April 17, 2012 at 8:13 am

For that kind of money, Barry should turn himself in and then call the 82nd Airborne to make his bail.

ManchuCandidate April 16, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Good old George. If I actually cared anymore, I might have gotten mad.

Nostrildamus April 16, 2012 at 3:43 pm

"PUL FNGR" seems more like W.

sullivanst April 16, 2012 at 3:55 pm

His other car SUV's registration is "WTCH DRV"

Nostrildamus April 16, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Also possible: "HA HA HA".

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