Schultz! Republicans’ psycho cousin The American Nazi Party (ANP) registered its first lobbyist this week. They grow up so fast! It seems like just yesterday they were destroying the world! John Bowles, das lobbyist, registered Tuesday with House and Senate offices to represent the ANP.

This isn’t your grandfather’s Nazi party. This is a kinder and gentler Nazi party that has real concerns for all hard working, red white and blue loving white Aryan Nazi-Americans, not to be mistaken with that other Nazi party. These are ‘Heartland Nazis.’ John Bowles plans to lobby on “political rights and ballot access laws,” according to the documents.

Herr Bowles was the presidential candidate in the 2008 race for an “other” party, according to Federal Election Commission records. US News noted the “other” party was the National Socialist Movement.

Herr Bowles is not limiting his lobbying ventures, listing several “general lobbying issue areas” on the form he filed. Accounting, agriculture, clean air and water, “civil rights,” health issues, the Constitution, immigration, manufacturing, and retirement are some of the issues that Mr. Bowles plans to address. ‘Equal rights for certain people!’ has been a long remembered motto for the Nazis and will surely complement today’s hip Republican values.

Herr Bowles seemed genuinely puzzled when asked whether he really thinks that any members of Congress or Hill staffers would take a meeting with a Nazi lobbyist.

“I don’t see why not. Of course I won’t approach anybody in Congress unless it’s a very interesting issue or law. I’m going to be very careful about the issues I choose for this.”

It’s unknown if Nazi lobbyists can get an appointment with a Congressman. He should probably say he’s from the Council of Concerned Citizens instead. Mr. Bowles doesn’t care. He sees a brighter tomorrow; one with hope of prosperity, blue skies and everyone marching to the beat of one drum.

“If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.” — Adolf Hitler

“See in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.” — George Bush


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  • Mein Kampf Libel!!

  • Heartland Nazis? Don't you mean Fatherland Nazis?

    • Radio福井県

      First assignment: Homeland Security.

      • sullivanst

        Second assignment: Living Space.

        • Radio福井県

          Slavs : Indians :: Lebensraum : Bureau of Indian Affairs

          • Negropolis

            This Assignment: The Department of Most Permanent Solutions.

          • Radio福井県

            How about a Jesse Owens Memorial on the Mall?
            At least they have one in front of The Horseshoe.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Eh, why not? The Vatican has a Natzi Pope.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    How soon before the lobby invades the 80 Commie Congresscritters?

    • Radio福井県

      It's not like it hasn't happened before.

    • Guppy

      I think the immediate concern is for the safety of Babs Mikulski.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Thank God Anthony Weiner got out already.

    • wood50

      They might want to look into real history to try to remember what happened the last time the Nazis went against the Commies!

    • But don't worry, Congresscritters, they only plan to annex you and welcome you into the fold as soon as they can replace your leaders with theirs. Just nobody ask where s Raúl Grijalva and Keith Ellison went.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Guantanamera… Guajira, Guantanamerrrrrrrrrra… Guajira, Guantanamerrrrrra.

  • C_R_Eature

    Hitler reference, already? What can we possibly do with this post now?

    It's time to attend some of these meetings to see if we can pump them for information, I suppose.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Godwin Pumps: Don't even think about bringing up Hitler, bitch! ©

      • C_R_Eature

        Godwin Pumps:
        Shut Up about that Austrian Paperhanger already, dammit! ©

  • Harry_S_Truman

    Do they wear jack-booted loafers?

  • tcaalaw

    I hate heartland Nazis. (Not original, but it had to be said!)

    • Radio福井県

      ♥Land Nazi's.

      • Already appearing on a bumper sticker in Michigan and Idaho.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I want to see him call on the "I know nuttink!" congresscritters.
    Like Eric Cantor. And maybe Allen West. They have so much in common, I feel sure that their minor differences could be overlooked.

  • C_R_Eature

    Let's all ask Allan West just how many Nazi Republicans there are in Congress now. Claim we have a list.

    • Callyson

      Here's a start to that list:


      Speaker: John Boehner (R)
      Majority Leader: Eric Cantor
      Majority Whip: Kevin McCarthy
      Majority Chief Deputy Whip: Peter Roskam
      Conference Chair: Jeb Hensarling
      Campaign Committee Chairman: Pete Sessions
      Policy Committee Chairman: Tom Price
      Conference Vice-Chair: Cathy McMorris Rodgers
      Conference Secretary: John Carter


      Minority Leader: Mitch McConnell
      Assistant Minority Leader (Minority Whip): Jon Kyl
      Conference Chairman: John Thune
      Policy Committee Chairman: John Barrasso
      Conference Vice Chair: Roy Blunt

      • C_R_Eature

        Thanks. That's a good start, but if we're using Allan West's rationale, then very conservative Republicans by definition must be Nazis.

    • OzoneTom

      I think that it would be quicker to list the ones who are not.

      • C_R_Eature


        Ok, Folks, we're done here!

  • Abbystinence

    How long before SackoShit Santorum registers Bella?

    "Karen and I are life members of the NRA," Santorum said at the NRA's annual meeting in St. Louis, "and we wanted to announce today that I talked to Chris and now Bella is a life member of the NRA too. And I hope it's a long life."

    • PubOption

      Since Bella probably has some mental impairment, that move does not sound sensible. Buying the kid a gun would be much worse.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Looks like Bella is our new

      I fucking hate Republican parents. Their kids are political props, and the sadder their stories the more they treat them like property rather than people.

    • That is beyond sick. It's beyond snark, too, at least from me.

  • mavenmaven

    Once again, the Onion nails it:

    • Guppy

      StormFront = Time Cube

      Just sayin'

    • Fare la Volpe

      What? You're telling me Ku Klux for Kids isn't a Webbie award winner?

  • Harry_S_Truman

    So the Know-Nothing Nazis are lobbying the Do-Nothing Congress? I guess there's a certain symmetry to that.

    • AlterNewt

      That's a whole lotta nuthin'.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    I blame the Internet. Yes, there are many good things about this here 'net of ours, but this isn't one of them. Before the 'net, if you wanted to pursue a political agenda, it required shoe leather and effort. My ex-wife once ran for office and fuck all, for a state legislator position…man, that was a lot of work. Now, any yahoo with an ax to grind just needs a solid internet connection. I know I'm over-simplifying this, but looking at the kind of headcases that have run for president lately, I can't help but feel that it's too easy for people, who really should be medicated and supervised, to have an effect on policy.

    • The_Trainman

      Dial-up and 14.4 modems only for nazis! That'll learn em.

      • Guppy

        Do you have any idea how long it takes pornographic educational still images to download at 14.4? How will they get access to their Ilsa: She-Wolf of the SS material now?

        (Kids these days…)

        • Dashboard Buddha

          There's the conundrum…given enough high quality pornographic education material, they might breed less often.

        • bagofmice

          Pfft. ASCII pr0n on a 9600 connected to a bbs. Goddamn, autocorrect on my iPad doesn't recognize BBS as an acronym.

        • Angry_Marmot

          Man don't want to wait for 14.4 porn must not want any porn.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Meh…give him some of LeBeau's apple strudel and he'll shut up.

  • HeadsIWin

    Nazis in Washington? How is this news?

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Does this mean that Allen West is going to launch his own Operation Barbarossa on House Democrats?

    • real_dc_native

      Given the House Democrat's recent history of political courage it will be more like Austrian than Russia.

      • Negropolis


        • horsedreamer_1

          Anschluss your mouth.

  • Barb

    Hey Newt! Here's a group who will pay you fifty dollars a pop for a photo with you.

    • CthuNHu

      Please. They're trying to look respectable.

  • tessiee

    When you think about it, it's really sort of the inevitable next step for a Republican Party that's been moving so far to the right that nobody fits in it any more. Maybe all the cranks that have been dominating — well, everything — for the past ten years or so will run off to the He-Man Nazi Woman Hater's clubhouse, like they've been wanting to do all along, and we'll have an actual two party system again.

  • What's he going to lobby for?

    To make US Army helmets look MORE like the WW2 Wermacht Helmets?
    To put more references to Zyklon-B into immigration legislation?
    To rename Camp David, Wolfsschanze?

    • Guppy

      Like it says in the summary: "political rights and ballot access laws." There should be less of 'em!

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      Mi Cherman es weak, but:

  • rickmaci

    Heartland Uber Alles!!

  • Tommmcattt

    Meh. We border on a falang-style government in this country anyway. Bring on the real facisists! It's going to get worse anyway.

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      True enough.
      It's going to get worse before it gets better.
      But it will get better, if we find the courage and strength to fight back.

  • CapnFatback

    It's about time. Next they need to work on a Marketing division. I'm not sure if they are aware, but the Nazis seem to have a serious P.R. problem.

    • SkinnyNerd

      The guy already has two such sweet and loving titles, Nazi and lobbyist, and you want to add adman to the list?

  • ttommyunger

    Who says Dick Cheney didn't serve?

  • AlterNewt

    "Herr Bowles is not limiting his lobbying ventures, listing several “general lobbying issue areas…"

    See? In "New America" even Nazis talk like Ad Agency douches.

  • PubOption

    Bowles: I need to make an appointment to see the Congressman.

    Staffer: He could do tomorrow at 3pm.

    Bowles: Excellent. Tomorrow Belongs To Me.

  • Guppy

    Why would a sitting member of Congress agree to meet with a representative from a group our nation fought a long a protracted war against?

    It's not like they're the Sons of Confederate Veterans or anything.

    • Negropolis


  • OneYieldRegular

    Speaking of which, just how long is it going to take for us to get rid of using that embarrassing word "Homeland"?

    • JustPixelz

      I agree. It always struck me as kinda … European.

      Department of Keepin' an Eye on Suspicious Looking Characters
      Department of No Probable Cause Needed
      Department of Double Plus No Terror

      • sullivanst

        Shouldn't that last one be "Doubleplus unterror"?

      • Negropolis

        I like the sound of the "Department of Papers Please," myself.

    • Radio福井県

      You're right, it should be called "Fatherland Security." A nice trillion dollar boondoggle thanks to Bush/Cheney that will never be unraveled. Smaller government my ass. Deficits don't matter. You should see the monstrosity Fatherland has built off I-395 going into DC.

    • real_dc_native

      The should just have called it the Ministry of State Security or the Stasi, or Gestapo or KGB and got it over-with.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I'll just go on record and say that I don't care for the Republican/Nazi comparisons a few people are making on this thread.

    That is all.

    • Why?

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Maybe because it is insulting to the Nazis?

        • poorgradstudent

          The Nazis at least did have a coherent ideology…a vile one, mind, but it was coherent.

  • not that Dewey

    It's better that he lobbies in DC. He wouldn't have had much fun in Stalingrad, now would he?

  • C_R_Eature

    So, how long has Glen Beck been a member? Did he join before of after he raped and killed that girl?

    • DahBoner

      "Some people say"

  • C_R_Eature

    You know where else these guys used to hang out ?

    • DahBoner


  • He probably shouldn't wear the uniform to work.

  • not that Dewey

    K Straße

    • user-of-owls

      Schwein-Fass Politik.

      • not that Dewey

        Gesellschaft mit Beschränkter Haftung

        • user-of-owls

          Danke für Rauchen.

          • not that Dewey

            My hovercraft is full of eels.

          • user-of-owls

            En espacio, nadie te puede escuchar tus gritos.

          • not that Dewey

            l'univers est imprégné de l'odeur de térébenthine

  • Are the Nazis even considered extreme by today's standards? I mean, hasn't the Republican party made clear that they consider the Nazis to be leftists? Wasn't that what Jonah Goldberg's book was all about? So if the Republican party is to the right of the Nazi party, by their own admission, then a willingness to meet with a Nazi lobbyist should be viewed as a willingness to work with relative moderates. Right? Left? Huh? Am I supposed to be goose-stepping?

    • Really.
      Who's the socialist now, bitches!?!

  • SkinnyNerd

    It is springtime in Washington!

    • GlowneyHouse

      His lobbying speech probably starts with "Don't be stupid/ Be a Schmarty."

  • wood50

    "Of course I won’t approach anybody in Congress…"

    Uh huh. I'm sure he'll conveniently forget the Jewish members of Congress who will abdoultely be more than receptive to heed suggestions from Nazis…like how to treat minorities or people who disagree with their religion or the welathy who hoard money…wait a minute!

    How do you say Tea Party auf Deutsch?

    • sullivanst

      Ich glaube, man sagt: Die Tee Partei.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Triumph of the Swill

  • Finally!
    A use for all those Obama/Hitler signs!

  • Herr Bowles, I've got some WWII Vets that would like to have a word with you…

    (Theme from "Band of Brothers" plays softly in the background.)

    • HistoriCat

      Even though they're very old now, those WWII vets will kick your ass.

  • sullivanst

    I can just hear the Goobers justifying their votes after being lobbied by Mr. Bowles now:

    We were only obeying orders

  • Aridzona

    Alan West's door is always open (as is his mouth.)

    • hunnybee

      yep. and don't forget his back door also too.

  • There is a difference between the Nazis and the Republicans at this point?

    Besides a lot of the Nazis being combat vets anyway.

    • DahBoner


  • RON PAUL!!!11111!!!!!

  • I'll come up with a clever response to this piece of news If I can stop retching long enough.

    • IceCreamEmpress

      The third retch lasts for several years. But not the thousand you may have feared!

  • real_dc_native

    I suppose this means the repeal of Godwin's Law.

  • SilverTsunami

    "Ballot Access Laws?" Did Mr Bowles try to vote in Anchorage recently?

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    I had a great idea for a short comedy film screenplay – the KKK hires an ad agency to rework its image.

    I hate it when someone steals my screenplay ideas.

  • BigBudGood

    John Banner (Sargent Schultz) was Jewish, fled the Nazis, and his family perished in the Shoah. All the regular German characters on Hogan's Heroes were played by Jewish actors.

    • MosesInvests

      Robert Clery (Cpl. LeBeau) was a camp survivor, as well. Ever notice the venom in his voice when he'd say "Kraut"?

      • user-of-owls

        I just met his older sister, who served in the French Resistance and managed to somehow evade capture. She's 90 and I still wouldn't want to mess with the woman. Small world.

    • YasserArraFeck

      Man's gotta pay the rent somehow

  • LionHeartSoyDog

    "…everyone marching to the beat of one drum."

    And the skin of that drum should be fashioned from the skin of a creature of a lesser race.

  • fuflans

    needz moar bear jew.

  • Negropolis

    Oh, Erik, we lose whatever little seriousness we have when you start comparing Nazis to the GOP and Dubya. Jus' sayin'. Hell, at least it could have been a bit more subtle.

    • Radio福井県

      I mean it's not like Allen West comparing Maxine Waters to Commies or anything.

      • Negropolis

        We don't have to do stuff because someone else does it. I couldn't care less what that flat-topped bastard has to say, anymore, and neither does the district in which he's been forced to run.

  • lulzmonger

    This lobby will last for a thousand years (or until all its positions become mainstream, whichever comes first)!

  • owhatever

    Don't you sheeple watch the Fox Truth Network? The Neo-Nazis are just a civil right group that wants smaller government, less federal spending, lower taxes and France.

  • DahBoner

    This isn't your Grandfather's Nazi Party

    Pants on the ground?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know who else hired lobbyist in Washington?

  • poorgradstudent

    Given how much Nazi ideology was built on the idea of the German Volk, I don't even get what the hell non-German Nazi Parties are supposed to be about. So if they have very little or no German ancestry, are they willing to make THEMSELVES slaves to the real master race? Or is this like the far-right version of people who claim ancestry from a "Cherokee princess" or throw around "Celtic Pride" slogans even though they just have one Irish or Welsh ancestor from the 1700s maybe?

  • YasserArraFeck

    Screw those militant blahs- we got the Black Panzer Party on our side!!

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