AIN'T NO PARTY LIKE A NAZI PARTY  11:46 am April 14, 2012

Mr. Hitler Goes To Washington

by Erik Jay

Schultz! Republicans’ psycho cousin The American Nazi Party (ANP) registered its first lobbyist this week. They grow up so fast! It seems like just yesterday they were destroying the world! John Bowles, das lobbyist, registered Tuesday with House and Senate offices to represent the ANP.

This isn’t your grandfather’s Nazi party. This is a kinder and gentler Nazi party that has real concerns for all hard working, red white and blue loving white Aryan Nazi-Americans, not to be mistaken with that other Nazi party. These are ‘Heartland Nazis.’ John Bowles plans to lobby on “political rights and ballot access laws,” according to the documents.

Herr Bowles was the presidential candidate in the 2008 race for an “other” party, according to Federal Election Commission records. US News noted the “other” party was the National Socialist Movement.

Herr Bowles is not limiting his lobbying ventures, listing several “general lobbying issue areas” on the form he filed. Accounting, agriculture, clean air and water, “civil rights,” health issues, the Constitution, immigration, manufacturing, and retirement are some of the issues that Mr. Bowles plans to address. ‘Equal rights for certain people!’ has been a long remembered motto for the Nazis and will surely complement today’s hip Republican values.

Herr Bowles seemed genuinely puzzled when asked whether he really thinks that any members of Congress or Hill staffers would take a meeting with a Nazi lobbyist.

“I don’t see why not. Of course I won’t approach anybody in Congress unless it’s a very interesting issue or law. I’m going to be very careful about the issues I choose for this.”

It’s unknown if Nazi lobbyists can get an appointment with a Congressman. He should probably say he’s from the Council of Concerned Citizens instead. Mr. Bowles doesn’t care. He sees a brighter tomorrow; one with hope of prosperity, blue skies and everyone marching to the beat of one drum.

“If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.” — Adolf Hitler

“See in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.” — George Bush

[USNews]

 
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{ 124 comments }

DemmeFatale April 14, 2012 at 11:50 am

Mein Kampf Libel!!

EloquentScience April 14, 2012 at 11:51 am

Heartland Nazis? Don't you mean Fatherland Nazis?

Radio福井県 April 14, 2012 at 12:11 pm

First assignment: Homeland Security.

sullivanst April 14, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Second assignment: Living Space.

Radio福井県 April 14, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Slavs : Indians :: Lebensraum : Bureau of Indian Affairs

Negropolis April 14, 2012 at 10:39 pm

This Assignment: The Department of Most Permanent Solutions.

OkieDokieDog April 14, 2012 at 11:52 am

Eh, why not? The Vatican has a Natzi Pope.

Blueb4sunrise April 14, 2012 at 11:52 am

How soon before the lobby invades the 80 Commie Congresscritters?

Radio福井県 April 14, 2012 at 12:24 pm

It's not like it hasn't happened before.

Guppy April 14, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I think the immediate concern is for the safety of Babs Mikulski.

Fare la Volpe April 14, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Thank God Anthony Weiner got out already.

wood50 April 14, 2012 at 1:55 pm

They might want to look into real history to try to remember what happened the last time the Nazis went against the Commies!

Jukesgrrl April 14, 2012 at 5:36 pm

But don't worry, Congresscritters, they only plan to annex you and welcome you into the fold as soon as they can replace your leaders with theirs. Just nobody ask where s Raúl Grijalva and Keith Ellison went.

horsedreamer_1 April 15, 2012 at 12:11 am

Guantanamera… Guajira, Guantanamerrrrrrrrrra… Guajira, Guantanamerrrrrra.

C_R_Eature April 14, 2012 at 11:54 am

Hitler reference, already? What can we possibly do with this post now?

It's time to attend some of these meetings to see if we can pump them for information, I suppose.

Dashboard Buddha April 14, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Godwin Pumps: Don't even think about bringing up Hitler, bitch! ©

C_R_Eature April 14, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Godwin Pumps:
Shut Up about that Austrian Paperhanger already, dammit! ©

Harry_S_Truman April 14, 2012 at 11:55 am

Do they wear jack-booted loafers?

tcaalaw April 14, 2012 at 11:55 am

I hate heartland Nazis. (Not original, but it had to be said!)

Radio福井県 April 14, 2012 at 12:14 pm

♥Land Nazi's.

Jukesgrrl April 14, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Already appearing on a bumper sticker in Michigan and Idaho.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 14, 2012 at 11:57 am

I want to see him call on the "I know nuttink!" congresscritters.
Like Eric Cantor. And maybe Allen West. They have so much in common, I feel sure that their minor differences could be overlooked.

C_R_Eature April 14, 2012 at 11:57 am

Let's all ask Allan West just how many Nazi Republicans there are in Congress now. Claim we have a list.

Callyson April 14, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Here's a start to that list:

House:

Speaker: John Boehner (R)
Majority Leader: Eric Cantor
Majority Whip: Kevin McCarthy
Majority Chief Deputy Whip: Peter Roskam
Conference Chair: Jeb Hensarling
Campaign Committee Chairman: Pete Sessions
Policy Committee Chairman: Tom Price
Conference Vice-Chair: Cathy McMorris Rodgers
Conference Secretary: John Carter

Senate:

Minority Leader: Mitch McConnell
Assistant Minority Leader (Minority Whip): Jon Kyl
Conference Chairman: John Thune
Policy Committee Chairman: John Barrasso
Conference Vice Chair: Roy Blunt

C_R_Eature April 14, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Thanks. That's a good start, but if we're using Allan West's rationale, then very conservative Republicans by definition must be Nazis.

OzoneTom April 14, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I think that it would be quicker to list the ones who are not.

C_R_Eature April 14, 2012 at 1:32 pm

WIN.

Ok, Folks, we're done here!

Abbystinence April 14, 2012 at 11:59 am

How long before SackoShit Santorum registers Bella?

"Karen and I are life members of the NRA," Santorum said at the NRA's annual meeting in St. Louis, "and we wanted to announce today that I talked to Chris and now Bella is a life member of the NRA too. And I hope it's a long life."
http://www.buzzfeed.com/rosiegray/rick-santorum-s

PubOption April 14, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Since Bella probably has some mental impairment, that move does not sound sensible. Buying the kid a gun would be much worse.

Fare la Volpe April 14, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Looks like Bella is our new Tri.gg.

I fucking hate Republican parents. Their kids are political props, and the sadder their stories the more they treat them like property rather than people.

Jukesgrrl April 14, 2012 at 5:40 pm

That is beyond sick. It's beyond snark, too, at least from me.

mavenmaven April 14, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Once again, the Onion nails it: http://www.theonion.com/articles/the-white-nation

Guppy April 14, 2012 at 12:28 pm

StormFront = Time Cube

Just sayin'

Fare la Volpe April 14, 2012 at 1:11 pm

What? You're telling me Ku Klux for Kids isn't a Webbie award winner?

Harry_S_Truman April 14, 2012 at 12:03 pm

So the Know-Nothing Nazis are lobbying the Do-Nothing Congress? I guess there's a certain symmetry to that.

AlterNewt April 14, 2012 at 12:42 pm

That's a whole lotta nuthin'.

Dashboard Buddha April 14, 2012 at 12:10 pm

I blame the Internet. Yes, there are many good things about this here 'net of ours, but this isn't one of them. Before the 'net, if you wanted to pursue a political agenda, it required shoe leather and effort. My ex-wife once ran for office and fuck all, for a state legislator position…man, that was a lot of work. Now, any yahoo with an ax to grind just needs a solid internet connection. I know I'm over-simplifying this, but looking at the kind of headcases that have run for president lately, I can't help but feel that it's too easy for people, who really should be medicated and supervised, to have an effect on policy.

The_Trainman April 14, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Dial-up and 14.4 modems only for nazis! That'll learn em.

Guppy April 14, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Do you have any idea how long it takes pornographic educational still images to download at 14.4? How will they get access to their Ilsa: She-Wolf of the SS material now?

(Kids these days…)

Dashboard Buddha April 14, 2012 at 12:40 pm

There's the conundrum…given enough high quality pornographic education material, they might breed less often.

bagofmice April 14, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Pfft. ASCII pr0n on a 9600 connected to a bbs. Goddamn, autocorrect on my iPad doesn't recognize BBS as an acronym.

Angry_Marmot April 14, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Man don't want to wait for 14.4 porn must not want any porn.

Dashboard Buddha April 14, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Meh…give him some of LeBeau's apple strudel and he'll shut up.

HeadsIWin April 14, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Nazis in Washington? How is this news?

Dashboard Buddha April 14, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Does this mean that Allen West is going to launch his own Operation Barbarossa on House Democrats?

real_dc_native April 14, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Given the House Democrat's recent history of political courage it will be more like Austrian than Russia.

Negropolis April 14, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Ouch!

horsedreamer_1 April 15, 2012 at 12:13 am

Anschluss your mouth.

Barb April 14, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Hey Newt! Here's a group who will pay you fifty dollars a pop for a photo with you.
dummkopf

CthuNHu April 15, 2012 at 12:36 am

Please. They're trying to look respectable.

tessiee April 14, 2012 at 12:20 pm

When you think about it, it's really sort of the inevitable next step for a Republican Party that's been moving so far to the right that nobody fits in it any more. Maybe all the cranks that have been dominating — well, everything — for the past ten years or so will run off to the He-Man Nazi Woman Hater's clubhouse, like they've been wanting to do all along, and we'll have an actual two party system again.

ManchuCandidate April 14, 2012 at 12:22 pm

What's he going to lobby for?

To make US Army helmets look MORE like the WW2 Wermacht Helmets?
To put more references to Zyklon-B into immigration legislation?
To rename Camp David, Wolfsschanze?

Guppy April 14, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Like it says in the summary: "political rights and ballot access laws." There should be less of 'em!

LionHeartSoyDog April 14, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Mi Cherman es weak, but:
Wolfschatzi?

rickmaci April 14, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Heartland Uber Alles!!

Tommmcattt April 14, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Meh. We border on a falang-style government in this country anyway. Bring on the real facisists! It's going to get worse anyway.

LionHeartSoyDog April 14, 2012 at 9:25 pm

True enough.
It's going to get worse before it gets better.
But it will get better, if we find the courage and strength to fight back.

CapnFatback April 14, 2012 at 12:43 pm

It's about time. Next they need to work on a Marketing division. I'm not sure if they are aware, but the Nazis seem to have a serious P.R. problem.

SkinnyNerd April 14, 2012 at 2:03 pm

The guy already has two such sweet and loving titles, Nazi and lobbyist, and you want to add adman to the list?

ttommyunger April 14, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Who says Dick Cheney didn't serve?

AlterNewt April 14, 2012 at 12:49 pm

"Herr Bowles is not limiting his lobbying ventures, listing several “general lobbying issue areas…"

See? In "New America" even Nazis talk like Ad Agency douches.

PubOption April 14, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Bowles: I need to make an appointment to see the Congressman.

Staffer: He could do tomorrow at 3pm.

Bowles: Excellent. Tomorrow Belongs To Me.

Guppy April 14, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Why would a sitting member of Congress agree to meet with a representative from a group our nation fought a long a protracted war against?

It's not like they're the Sons of Confederate Veterans or anything.

Negropolis April 14, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Burn!

OneYieldRegular April 14, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Speaking of which, just how long is it going to take for us to get rid of using that embarrassing word "Homeland"?

JustPixelz April 14, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I agree. It always struck me as kinda … European.

Department of Keepin' an Eye on Suspicious Looking Characters
Department of No Probable Cause Needed
Department of Double Plus No Terror

sullivanst April 14, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Shouldn't that last one be "Doubleplus unterror"?

Negropolis April 14, 2012 at 10:43 pm

I like the sound of the "Department of Papers Please," myself.

Radio福井県 April 14, 2012 at 1:40 pm

You're right, it should be called "Fatherland Security." A nice trillion dollar boondoggle thanks to Bush/Cheney that will never be unraveled. Smaller government my ass. Deficits don't matter. You should see the monstrosity Fatherland has built off I-395 going into DC.

real_dc_native April 14, 2012 at 3:51 pm

The should just have called it the Ministry of State Security or the Stasi, or Gestapo or KGB and got it over-with.

BarackMyWorld April 14, 2012 at 1:02 pm

I'll just go on record and say that I don't care for the Republican/Nazi comparisons a few people are making on this thread.

That is all.

starfanglednut April 14, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Why?

Dudleydidwrong April 14, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Maybe because it is insulting to the Nazis?

poorgradstudent April 16, 2012 at 1:19 am

The Nazis at least did have a coherent ideology…a vile one, mind, but it was coherent.

not that Dewey April 14, 2012 at 1:02 pm

It's better that he lobbies in DC. He wouldn't have had much fun in Stalingrad, now would he?

C_R_Eature April 14, 2012 at 1:04 pm

So, how long has Glen Beck been a member? Did he join before of after he raped and killed that girl?

DahBoner April 15, 2012 at 10:10 pm

"Some people say"

C_R_Eature April 14, 2012 at 1:09 pm

You know where else these guys used to hang out ?

DahBoner April 15, 2012 at 10:10 pm

Argentina?

Fred_Wertham_Jr April 14, 2012 at 1:16 pm

He probably shouldn't wear the uniform to work.

not that Dewey April 14, 2012 at 1:35 pm

K Straße

user-of-owls April 14, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Schwein-Fass Politik.

not that Dewey April 14, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Gesellschaft mit Beschränkter Haftung

user-of-owls April 15, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Danke für Rauchen.

not that Dewey April 15, 2012 at 11:48 pm

My hovercraft is full of eels.

MaxUdargo April 14, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Are the Nazis even considered extreme by today's standards? I mean, hasn't the Republican party made clear that they consider the Nazis to be leftists? Wasn't that what Jonah Goldberg's book was all about? So if the Republican party is to the right of the Nazi party, by their own admission, then a willingness to meet with a Nazi lobbyist should be viewed as a willingness to work with relative moderates. Right? Left? Huh? Am I supposed to be goose-stepping?

DemmeFatale April 14, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Really.
Who's the socialist now, bitches!?!

SkinnyNerd April 14, 2012 at 1:56 pm

It is springtime in Washington!

GlowneyHouse April 14, 2012 at 5:10 pm

His lobbying speech probably starts with "Don't be stupid/ Be a Schmarty."

wood50 April 14, 2012 at 2:01 pm

"Of course I won’t approach anybody in Congress…"

Uh huh. I'm sure he'll conveniently forget the Jewish members of Congress who will abdoultely be more than receptive to heed suggestions from Nazis…like how to treat minorities or people who disagree with their religion or the welathy who hoard money…wait a minute!

How do you say Tea Party auf Deutsch?

sullivanst April 14, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Ich glaube, man sagt: Die Tee Partei.

Dashboard Buddha April 14, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Triumph of the Swill

DemmeFatale April 14, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Finally!
A use for all those Obama/Hitler signs!

DemmeFatale April 14, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Herr Bowles, I've got some WWII Vets that would like to have a word with you…

(Theme from "Band of Brothers" plays softly in the background.)

HistoriCat April 14, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Even though they're very old now, those WWII vets will kick your ass.

sullivanst April 14, 2012 at 2:15 pm

I can just hear the Goobers justifying their votes after being lobbied by Mr. Bowles now:

We were only obeying orders

Aridzona April 14, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Alan West's door is always open (as is his mouth.)

hunnybee April 16, 2012 at 12:03 pm

yep. and don't forget his back door also too.

glamourdammerung April 14, 2012 at 2:40 pm

There is a difference between the Nazis and the Republicans at this point?

Besides a lot of the Nazis being combat vets anyway.

DahBoner April 15, 2012 at 10:08 pm

#WIN

glamourdammerung April 14, 2012 at 2:41 pm

RON PAUL!!!11111!!!!!

valthemus April 14, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I'll come up with a clever response to this piece of news If I can stop retching long enough.

IceCreamEmpress April 15, 2012 at 12:01 am

The third retch lasts for several years. But not the thousand you may have feared!

real_dc_native April 14, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I suppose this means the repeal of Godwin's Law.

SilverTsunami April 14, 2012 at 5:21 pm

"Ballot Access Laws?" Did Mr Bowles try to vote in Anchorage recently?

randcoolcatdaddy April 14, 2012 at 5:55 pm

I had a great idea for a short comedy film screenplay – the KKK hires an ad agency to rework its image.

I hate it when someone steals my screenplay ideas.

BigBudGood April 14, 2012 at 6:47 pm

John Banner (Sargent Schultz) was Jewish, fled the Nazis, and his family perished in the Shoah. All the regular German characters on Hogan's Heroes were played by Jewish actors.

MosesInvests April 15, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Robert Clery (Cpl. LeBeau) was a camp survivor, as well. Ever notice the venom in his voice when he'd say "Kraut"?

user-of-owls April 16, 2012 at 7:01 pm

I just met his older sister, who served in the French Resistance and managed to somehow evade capture. She's 90 and I still wouldn't want to mess with the woman. Small world.

YasserArraFeck April 16, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Man's gotta pay the rent somehow

LionHeartSoyDog April 14, 2012 at 9:39 pm

"…everyone marching to the beat of one drum."

And the skin of that drum should be fashioned from the skin of a creature of a lesser race.

fuflans April 14, 2012 at 9:44 pm

needz moar bear jew.

Negropolis April 14, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Oh, Erik, we lose whatever little seriousness we have when you start comparing Nazis to the GOP and Dubya. Jus' sayin'. Hell, at least it could have been a bit more subtle.

Radio福井県 April 15, 2012 at 1:05 am

I mean it's not like Allen West comparing Maxine Waters to Commies or anything.

Negropolis April 15, 2012 at 1:41 am

We don't have to do stuff because someone else does it. I couldn't care less what that flat-topped bastard has to say, anymore, and neither does the district in which he's been forced to run.

lulzmonger April 14, 2012 at 11:29 pm

This lobby will last for a thousand years (or until all its positions become mainstream, whichever comes first)!

owhatever April 15, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Don't you sheeple watch the Fox Truth Network? The Neo-Nazis are just a civil right group that wants smaller government, less federal spending, lower taxes and France.

DahBoner April 15, 2012 at 10:07 pm

This isn't your Grandfather's Nazi Party

Pants on the ground?

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 15, 2012 at 10:26 pm

You know who else hired lobbyist in Washington?

poorgradstudent April 16, 2012 at 1:27 am

Given how much Nazi ideology was built on the idea of the German Volk, I don't even get what the hell non-German Nazi Parties are supposed to be about. So if they have very little or no German ancestry, are they willing to make THEMSELVES slaves to the real master race? Or is this like the far-right version of people who claim ancestry from a "Cherokee princess" or throw around "Celtic Pride" slogans even though they just have one Irish or Welsh ancestor from the 1700s maybe?

YasserArraFeck April 16, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Screw those militant blahs- we got the Black Panzer Party on our side!!

Radio福井県 April 14, 2012 at 10:50 pm

How about a Jesse Owens Memorial on the Mall?
At least they have one in front of The Horseshoe.

user-of-owls April 16, 2012 at 6:57 pm

En espacio, nadie te puede escuchar tus gritos.

not that Dewey April 16, 2012 at 8:08 pm

l'univers est imprégné de l'odeur de térébenthine

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