Arizona Passes Bill Allowing Guns In Public Buildings, And Why Ever Not?

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totes legal in AZ

Arizona knows what is important, what is crucial to a functioning society, and one of those things is allowing Americans to exercise their second amendment rights just about everywhere, including public buildings, where people sometimes go when they are angry or mentally ill and kill their co-workers or strangers, but never mind. In the off chance that this does happen, now every Arizona stranger/co-worker could theoretically be THERE ready to shoot with his own personal death-maker. “I got this,” these aspiring Corey Bookers will be heard saying to trained police officers. Oddly, Arizona’s new law, which just passed, also “adds the requirement of having armed guards and metal detectors” — presumably in every public building in all of Arizona — which is totally cheap and no problem at all for this moneybags state. Meanwhile, over in Oklahoma, lawmakers are discussion the right to the “open carry” of arms as it pertains to…wild turkeys.

In his defense of the Arizona law, one Senator Al Melvin says, in so many words, that guns bring out our natural animalistic tendencies. Because we are animals. Melvin says society consists of “the unarmed sheep, armed sheep dogs — and the wolves who are the bad guys.” Yes, thanks for clarifying that wolves represent bad guys. Melvin, blitheringly:

It takes sheep dogs to protect the sheep from the wolves. And the more of us that have concealed weapon permits and take advantage of it, and with this type of legislation, we have a safer society.

Palin?

Another Senator, Steve Smith, essentially scoffs at the whole THIS WILL COST MILLIONS part of the equation. “As far as I’m concerned, there is no cost too high to protect my constitutional rights,” he said. Which, oh god, if only Mitt Romney would talk like this, he would be sure(r) to lose in November.

Meanwhile, over in Oklahoma, TURKEYS. Wild turkeys are threatening the human animals, and the human animals who have gun permits would like permission to display the weapons that they carry with them just about everywhere. Partly so that the wild turkeys running rampant across the state will SEE the threat of death holstered upon the humans and promptly trot away. Defendants of a new “open carry” bill, including Tim Gillespie, who is president of some gun club or something, says “we live in a dangerous world.”

Senator Ralph Shortey, Republican, and the guy behind the “ban aborted fetuses in food” bill, supports this bill and also argues that people in Oklahoma shouldn’t necessary even need a gun permit, let alone be legally required to conceal their weapons, because, time for Nostalgic Congressional Storytime:

I was in oil and gas. I was out on a lease at one time and I got attacked by a turkey. Wait until you get attacked by a turkey. You will know the fear that a turkey can invoke in a person. And so I beat it with a club. That was all I could do.

Too bad. [KNAU, Think Progress]

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Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville

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163 comments

  1. OC_Surf_Serf

    there is no cost too high to protect my constitutional rights

    It's not the heat, it's the stupidity.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Sorry about your left frontal lobe, Gabby … but trust me, it's totally worth it."

      -Sen. Steve Smith (Fuckwit, AZ)

      1. Ruhe

        Which would make these wolves werewolves, which, obviously, are gonna just drop their guns when they transform. Slightly tougher target than an angry turkey but still no match for a hayseed with a gun.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          No, werewolves are in my part of the country; the soggy NW corner of Washington State.

          But fortunately you've got the good vampires to keep the bad werewolves in check. But then, you've also got some good werewolves to keep the bad vampires in check. And then sometimes you've even got some … well, it's kind of complicated. And not nearly as interesting as you'd think.

          Suffice it to say that the greatest level of public safety, they ALL should packing heat with silver bullets and wooden stakes, etc.

          This is just basic common sense.

          1. sewollef

            "And not nearly as interesting as you'd think."

            I was just thinking that, when it struck me…. here in NYC:
            werewolves = Albany politicians; vampires = politicians in the NY legislature.

            How weird is that?

    1. GOPCrusher

      In Iowa, carrying a gun to protect yourself from turkeys is considered hunting and requires a license and transportation tag.

  2. Barb

    "You will know the fear that a turkey can invoke in a person. And so I beat it with a club. That was all I could do."

    So THAT'S where turkey club sammiches originated. Who knew?

  3. Wile E. Quixote

    I was in oil and gas. I was out on a lease at one time and I got attacked by a turkey. Wait until you get attacked by a turkey. You will know the fear that a turkey can invoke in a person. And so I beat it with a club. That was all I could do.

    First it's Herman Cain with the chicken ad. Now it's this putz with the turkeys. What the fuck is it with Republicans and poultry anyways?

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        And even now the staffers at Tucker Carlspawn's "The Daily Callboy" are hard at work* on an article proving that President Obama is actually waging the War on Fowl because he pardoned the turkey at Thanksgiving last year.

        *Yes, they are quite literally hard at work and ewwwww.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    It's gonna be like the climax of a Tarantino flick, all the time. We'll have to change the name to "Arizonan Standoff."

  5. CogitoErgoBibo

    In Arizona, every unborn life is sacred. After that? Buy a gun. 'Cause you're on your own.

      1. AbandonHope

        So, if you shoot a man, will you be charged with between 40 and 300 million counts of murder? (Between 1 and 45,000 counts for women depending on her age.)

  6. terriblyfamous

    So we need a "Stand Your Ground Against Turkeys" law, is what you're saying.

    Dude, it's a turkey. Drop kick the motherfucker and get on with your fracking picnic or whatever.

    1. Veritas78

      Weeeell, it's not quite so easy. They are vicious, obsessive, and stupid. Imagine republicans with sharp beaks.

  7. anniegetyerfun

    "And the more of us that have concealed weapon permits and take advantage of it, and with this type of legislation, we have a safer society."

    Oh, sorry, Grammar Nazi says "FAIL". Maybe Arizona can push a little harder to teach English in their public schools, yes? I think they are really big on English out there.

    1. mrpuma2u

      I feel threatened by your Grammar superiority, and will therefore "Stand my Ground" against it, and you, and shoot you and anyone else with better grammar then I have. Blammo. Balls, also.

  8. Schmannnity

    I find Wild Turkeys easily subdued by a shot glass or tumbler, depending on your tolerances.

  9. el_donaldo

    Maybe Arizona could encourage wild turkeys to frequent public buildings? It might save people time if they can pay for their hunting license and bag their game in the same hallway.

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    "It takes sheep dogs to protect the sheep from the wolves."

    Down here in TX, it takes a jenny (donkey) to protect the goats from coyotes and other predators. But we don't give them fucking firearms, jackass.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Nonsense. The donkey is a Democratic symbol, and everyone knows that Democrats can't fight worth a damn.

  11. metamarcisf

    The hordes of fans taking aim at Kevin Kolb at U of Phoenix stadium will be a sight to see.

  12. Mumbly_Joe

    Makes sense. After all, there's no such thing as "Security guards" or "metal detectors", and so there's really no way to prevent an armed madman from shooting up public buildings, except to let said madman walk right in, and then turn around and hand out guns to everyone else in a bid for some sort of personal-level mutually assured destruction.

  13. Mahousu

    "We're now allowing firearms in public facilities that should not have them, public swimming pools, public libraries."

    On the contrary, I think it would be beneficial for Arizonans to bring their firearms with them into the swimming pool.

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      Yes, it'd be interesting to see an Arizonean(?) trying to swim with the uber-monster weapon that is de rigeur for the sexually inadequate redneck. I'm thinking Soviet KPV, or old Brit Vickers .5 -which is an idea actually to anyone out there with a sense of irony-exactly how far can you push this? Wheel a howitzer into the kids play area?

  14. GuyClinch

    So, with Arizona's metal-detector requirement, I have to assume that you're not allowed in the building if you don't have a gun. Or will they furnish you with one, like them fancy restaurants loan you a jacket and tie?

    1. mrpuma2u

      Can I intererst Monsieur in a Desert Eagle 50? We also have lovely snubnose .38 with hollow point ammo.

  15. Mumbletypeg

    Bourbon conoisseurs will be gratified it's raining Wild Turkey in Oklahoma while Arizona hails Bulleit®'s. Cheers, and would you make mine w/ ginger ale on ice, please.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Yeah, the hell with Sharron Angle's nonsense — I'll take a twenty-first-amendment solution instead.

  16. GhostBuggy

    "You will know the fear that a turkey can invoke in a person. And so I beat it with a club. That was all I could do."

    Then Shortey, like so many like him, knew the passion poultry can invoke in a GOP politician. And so he beat his club. That turkey was all he could do.

    1. sewollef

      Beating your turkey.

      I'm out of touch with this sexual vernacular the kids talk about these days…. is this all a cunning euphemism for masturbation?

      1. GhostBuggy

        Masturbation? Look, all I'm talking about here is a man and a turkey. And the feelings one invokes (evokes?) in the other. Leave your freak baggage at home, weirdo.

  17. unclejeems

    It's good to see that our noble state legislators have shaken off the craziness and have finally gotten down to the business of serious legislation. I think the danger wild turkeys to humans in the US has long been ignored. Bout time!

  18. Wile E. Quixote

    I was in oil and gas. I was out on a lease at one time and I got attacked by a turkey. Wait until you get attacked by a turkey. You will know the fear that a turkey can invoke in a person. And so I beat it with a club. That was all I could do.

    Senator Shortey then went on to explain that the turkey was wearing a hoodie and that he felt threatened and had to stand his ground, preferably with as wide a stance as possible.

  19. Not_So_Much

    I can't foresee any way in which this could possibly go wrong. These states will become like the scene in one of the lesser Matrix movies in which they are always circling through a crowd with guns out, ready to blaze.

  20. IonaTrailer

    Can't we just, like, uh, socialize our children not to kill each other? Like they do in Japan?

  21. WiscDad

    Maybe the turkeys will attack the wolves and the sheep dog will kill the turkeys and drag the carcasses of the wolves and turkeys back to the sheep and the sheep will have sex with the turkey and wolf carcasses while the sheep dogs masturbate using gun oil as a lubricant. Yep…sounds like Conservative lifestyle to me.

  22. SayItWithWookies

    See, in my perfect state you wouldn't qualify for a gun unless you could fight off a turkey without recourse to one. Because if you can't outwit a wild animal with a brain the size of a pecan, you have no fuckin' business carrying something that can kill a person. On the bright side, you'd get free bus passes for life to make up for your revoked driver's license.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Conservatives like Ralph Shortey don't like to ride the bus unless it's short and they can make the blah people sit at the back of it.

    2. NYNYNYjr

      I saw some wild turkey's in Tennessee recently, and I almost crapped myself. They were huge, they looked like dinosaurs. No joke. If the whole gang of them wanted to take me down, they could have.

  23. BerkeleyBear

    Wolf metaphor libel. No wolf has ever stalked a sheep, killed it, then claimed self-defense like these nuts.

    What we are witnessing is white paranoia shredding the concept of the social contract. 300 years of post-Enlightenment thinking down the crapper.

    1. AbandonHope

      The Enlightment was obviously a very relative thing. In that those who aren't enlightened are also the ones fucking their relatives.

  24. C_R_Eature

    Tim Gillespie, who is president of some gun club or something, says “we live in a dangerous world.”
    Yeah, it's dangerous. Because all of you paranoid morons insist on carrying guns around, that's why.

    Why can't you just relax and do it like they do on The Discovery Channel?

  25. Baconzgood

    "Wait until you get attacked by a turkey. You will know the fear that a turkey can invoke in a person"

    Yes a new meme on Wonkette! It's solid GOLD!

    1. anniegetyerfun

      I'm shocked, SHOCKED, that an elected representative wouldn't know the difference between "invoke" and "evoke". SHOCKED.

  26. Jus_Wonderin

    Fucking what? Oh right. So next my neighbor can bring his genetically enhanced T-Rex to Target. Though, on leash…as that is the law.

  27. Guppy

    Tomorrow's headline: Arizona legislature installs panic buttons in legislative offices.

    (Seriously, with the time zones and the Daylight Saving Time thing, AZ is about two months behind FL.)

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      Word! When I was two my grandfather had been pissing off some pelicans by banging on their little shed thing. One of these fizzed-up motherfuckers dashes out of his hut and bites the shit out of me. Bastard was taller then I was. NOT COOL.

    2. mayor_quimby

      my folks have pics of me and lily sis cowering, surrounded by ducks after thread we werefeeding them.they think its sooooo funny.
      Haha, cute, now how about a rescue dad, before these bastards push using the lake?

  28. Mumbletypeg

    Let me know when they've bottled the ol' "Element of Surprise" that works so effectively for stalkers, muggers, home invaders and pedo's. There's a few folks I know who could benefit from getting sidelined with Surprise, and why let them wait all the way til they're actually meeting their Maker?

  29. Guppy

    The Arizona Legislature won't spare any expense protecting your Second Amendment rights!

    Eighth Amendment, not so much.

  30. Allmighty_Manos

    "It takes sheep dogs to protect the sheep from the wolves. And the more of us that have concealed weapon permits and take advantage of it, and with this type of legislation, we have a safer society."

    This guarantees state Rep. Melvin a spot on the national ticket

  31. Ruhe

    There's a park near where I live where on Sundays the kids come out in their Warcraft gear and stage mock epic battles with foam long swords. I can't help but think each time "their parents must be so proud." I myself continue to participate in team sports at a somewhat ridiculous age for such things. But what the foam warriors and weekend warriors like me have in common is that we usually know that this embarrassing externalization of our fantasies doesn't make our fantasies real and we certainly don't look for Constitutional justifications for our irrational behavior. Second Amendment fetishists…their parents must be so proud.

    1. GhostBuggy

      I have one of those that's a relative, and he gets all huffy when I call him out on his bullshit. He's all into this shit like having a gun is going to do him any good if the military (nonsensically) decides to come a-callin' for 'im. Because that's what all these gun fetishists go on about, "the tree of liberty" and all that.

      Well, what good is your stupid rifle going to do you when NoBama flies a robot death plane over your house, which is what would happen in your dumb little scenario?

      1. Fukui-sanYesOta


        Well, what good is your stupid rifle going to do you when NoBama flies a robot death plane over your house, which is what would happen in your dumb little scenario?

        The way it usually seems to play out is that Yosemite Sam has had one too many pabsts at lunchtime and accidentally shoots his kid.

  32. ElPinche

    All it takes is just three or four larget explosions on a few key tectonic plates, and voila! Arizona Bay. Arizona proper can then float into the gulf as the Republic of Blue-eyed Jesus.

    1. GhostBuggy

      Wait, what would happen to California? Because that's where movies and gays come from, and I'd like to keep those.

      1. ElPinche

        Ryan Gosling can work on hipster tan on the beaches of Spichead Bay south east of Salton Sea.

  33. CommieLibunatic

    Dammit, Liz, why did you have to remind me about Ralph Shortey? Now I'm on my feet, pointing angrily at his name on the monitor and screaming "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT" over that abortion deal, further cementing my reputation as that "angry weirdo in the cubical at the end."

  34. BlueStateLibel

    I see no problem in letting people brings guns into public buildings, especially into courts, and in divorce proceedings, where emotions are really high and people get embittered and full of rage. What could go wrong?

  35. gout

    "You will know the fear that a turkey can invoke in a person."
    I am not sure that a person that gets this scared by a turkey should necessarily be carrying around a gun around with him wherever he goes. Certainly not somewhere like a scary movie, or a haunted house. Rollercoasters.

  36. mormos

    I can't be the only one wondering if anyone in the AZ state legislature is also on the board of a company that makes metal detectors, right?

  37. C_R_Eature

    I'd be all for this law if they were talking about paintball guns. Then, the cops could just up and arrest the most paint-spattered guy for being an Asshole in public.
    Nobody has to die for that.

  38. barto

    No shit my gf had to outrun some wild turkeys on her bike. I couldn't beleive it, they aren't even that horribly common here in suburbia, but, heck, I'm gettin' her an Uzi pronto, Bitchez…

  39. SkinnyNerd

    I remember going overseas and being able to enter buildings without ID and not having to go through any metal detectors either. Then I came back to NY and had to go visit a professor at a university. I left my ID at home, went to the university where they refused to let me through without identification. It took an arduous process of the professor being called down to identify me in order for me to be able to enter. What is wrong with us?

  40. JustPixelz

    "…there is no cost too high to protect my constitutional rights…"

    This guy does know that "no cost too high" actually means "no tax too high", doesn't he?

    The Second Amendment mentions "a well-regulated militia". The NRA and its gun nuts seem to think that means guns should be unregulated. Jared Lee Loughner agrees.

  41. Wile E. Quixote

    I was in oil and gas. I was out on a lease at one time and I got attacked by a turkey. Wait until you get attacked by a turkey. You will know the fear that a turkey can invoke in a person. And so I beat it with a club. That was all I could do.

    Damnit! There's a got to be a killer Angry Birds joke here. Come on Wonketeers!

  42. JustPixelz

    It's pointless to say, but guns play almost no role in stranger-vs-stranger events*. But they play a vastly outsized role in domestic disputes, accidents, suicides an so forth.
    _______________________
    * Being robbed at gunpoint is safer than by knife or club or whatnot. The victims cooperate and don't try to be heroic.

  43. HippieEsq

    Wasn't that already the law in AZ? Are these people so crazy they need to pass every bill twice? I mean, are these people so crazy they need to pass every bill twice?

  44. flamingpdog

    Wait until you get attacked by a turkey. You will know the fear that a turkey can invoke in a person. And so I beat it with a club."

    Hey, Shortey! Don't you know the first rule of Turkey Club is you do not talk about Turkey Club!

  45. AbandonHope

    Arizonans: people that think the killing in The Hunger Games was just too organized and civil.

  46. SaintRond

    Usually I place comments having to do with wieners, Orly Taitz being "hotter and wetter than gals half her age," pussy, pussy and more pussy and just a nice place to go where I can nurture my hate.

    However, these Arizona Republicans are in a class by themselves and I tend to lose my sense of humor. I guess it started with Brisenia Flores getting shot in the face, or Gifford or that 12 year old kid who was shot dead by Nativists whipped up into a frienzy by Jan Brewer and friends on the Arizona border earlier this week.

    I guess I'm saying I wouldn't lose any sleep if someone goes apeshit in one of those goddamn buildings.

  47. soeoho

    That's all good and well but I'm still moving to Wyoming. One aircraft carrier oughta keep that bunch of pistol-packing jitterbugs away.

  48. owhatever

    The body count of innocent people killed by pistols can never be high enough for these mentally unstable gun-happy mobs. These headlines just today:

    TULSA (AP) – Oklahoma prosecutors filed murder and hate crime charges Friday against two men arrested in an Easter weekend shooting spree that left three people dead and terrorized Tulsa's black community.

    BROOKLYN, Ohio – An Ohio man who was upset his wife was going to leave him went to a Cracker Barrel where the family was celebrating a daughter's birthday and shot and killed his wife and daughter and critically injured another daughter.

    GREENLAND, N.H. (AP) – Sorrow and fear weighed heavily on residents of a small New Hampshire town where a police chief just days from retirement was killed and four officers from other departments were injured after a man opened fire on them during a drug bust.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      If only more people had guns, we could put a stop to these kinds of tragic events.

  49. DahBoner

    But what happens when your own sheepdog is drunk and wants to rape your sheep?

    Are YOU going to take away that sheepdog's 2nd Amendment rights?

  50. Generation[redacted]

    Hmmmm… First "stand your ground" now "bring your guns to court"

    Let's just hope nobody feels their lives are threatened by anyone working in a government building.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      When the first gun comes out, everyone else is bound to fell threatened — but what could possibly go wrong?

  51. gurukalehuru

    As a volunteer on a kibbutz, I once worked with turkeys. Absolutely, literally surrounded by thousands of the fuckers. They are not really as terrifying as Senator Shortey makes them out to be.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Easy for you to say, but the turkeys in his state — you never know if they have conceal carry permits.

    2. Negropolis

      Wild turkeys are a whole other issue, though. Still, insanely stupid story given to justify these bat-shit crazy laws.

  52. chascates

    Arizona will soon be like those places in the Middle East where people fire their guns in the air to celebrate anything at all. I would suggest they go even further and, as an example, fire a warning shot when they intend to drive into an intersection. One shot for proceeding through a stop sign, two for a left turn, etc.
    In fact there should be no set rules, simply begin firing when you want the waiter's attention, are tired of waiting at the DMV, or whenever you hear a song you don't like.
    Artizona. Just like the Wild West!

  53. Biff

    Just in case anyone is interested, my demon sheepdog will be standing at stud presently. Y'all know how to reach me.

    Also, no discussion of turkeys should be complete without these two links.

    "As god is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."

  54. NYNYNYjr

    “the unarmed sheep, armed sheep dogs — and the wolves who are the bad guys.”

    And then there's me, in my helicopter, leaning out the door, with a G36 and just fucking mowing them ALL down!

  55. Negropolis

    I try to snark, but I can't.

    These men (and it's mostly men) do know that normal people don't live in constant fear of being shot/attacked in the rest of the Western world, right? Talk about guilt. Again. This. is. not. normal. There are very few people in this world that I can't find something to identify with, but those that hold the 2nd Amendment as if it was a human right I will never get.

    Cowards, the lot of 'em. What are you so fucking scared of?

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      Luckily, Moon-President Gingrich is advocating making the right to bear arms a a global human right.

      Because, shit, I know I'd love all the chavs in my small hometown in England packing heat. What could go wrong? Oh wait.

      edit:

      oh, the quote is precious

      "The right to bear arms comes from our creator, not from our government,” he said, to cheers. “It is one of the inalienable rights alluded to in our Declaration of Independence. … Far fewer women would be raped, far fewer children would be killed … and far fewer dictators would survive if people had the right to bear arms everywhere on the planet.”

      Apparently dumbfucks with guns could stop rape and everything

      1. Negropolis

        "The right to bear arms comes from our creator…"

        Until this kind of bullshit belief is corrected, we'll never get to the point of even talking about gun control in a real way. I don't know how more easily it can be said that gun ownership is not a human or natural right. This beliefs is one of the most bizarre and offensive I've found in America because it's so non-sensical. Even the staunchest defenders of our First Amendment right to free speech believes that it has it's limits, but there is an entire, depraved swath of America that won't so much as even hear the argument that the Second Amendment has limits, too.

  56. ttommyunger

    "Arizona Passes…" Yes, in my dreams it does: it passes right out of Amerika's Colon and right back into Mehiko where it fucking belongs.

  57. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "“As far as I’m concerned, there is no cost too high to protect my constitutional rights.”

    That explains why you don't give a fuck how many citizens get killed. Thanks for clearing this up, because I was really wondering. And I see where public safety in Arizona is really, really improved when there are lots of guns around.

  58. niblick77

    Yeah, he should have shot the turkey with a gun, I am sure the oil and gas would not have gone boom!

  59. Swampgas_Man

    They can't prohibit firearms, but they can throw the book at you for NOT using a silencer.

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