SHOWBOATS  12:25 am April 13, 2012

Newark Mayor Cory Booker Breaks Into Building, Abducts Woman Inside

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Thug LifeCory Booker may finally have put an end to his reign atop the infamous criminal syndicate of Newark, New Jersey, with a brazen B&E in front of multiple witnesses. The Democrat “mayor” has admitted entering a building without permission of its owners and forcibly carrying out a woman who was inside. He claims the building was “burning,” and that the woman “would die.”

“I’m back here, I’m back here,” [the woman] yelled from a back bedroom, [Newark Fire Director Fateen] Ziyad was told by the mayor. After his security detail held him back, he told Ziyad, the mayor then yelled out to his guards to release him.

“She is going to die, she’s going to die,” he said, and crossed the smoke and flames before grabbing the woman.
Along with the security detail, Booker carried the woman in his arms through the spreading fire and smoke out of the building, Ziyad said.

It has frequently been noted that Booker spends all his time bullshitting on Twitter with idiot citizens gabbing about potholes and downed power lines and garbage pick-up, thus fostering an attitude of government dependency and welfare among his constituents.

Booker was in custody of a local hospital for smoke inhalation. [Star-Ledger]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 235 comments }

Chet Kincaid April 13, 2012 at 12:33 am

Ms. Schoenkopf, that is most excellent.

Jukesgrrl April 13, 2012 at 1:50 am

But seriously, how does it effect Sarah Palin?

Chet Kincaid April 13, 2012 at 12:35 am

Jesus Christ, times are tough, but having the Mayor act as every department of city services is not going to be sustainable in the long-run!

BaldarTFlagass April 13, 2012 at 8:55 am

Yeah, it's pretty tough to run Jersey's largest city if you're always having to leave the city council meetings to go rescue kittens from trees and chase down cutpurses.

Tundra Grifter April 13, 2012 at 9:39 am

Have you ever looked up into a tree and seen a cat skeleton?

James Michael Curley April 13, 2012 at 9:57 am

You ever get stung by a dead bee?

C_R_Eature April 13, 2012 at 10:01 am

No but I know a guy who has. Used to be a great deckhand before he became a rummy. Nice fella, though.

Tundra Grifter April 13, 2012 at 9:38 am

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie commented "I would have liked to help, but I'm pretty busy conducting restaurant kitchen inspections."

BerkeleyBear April 13, 2012 at 11:41 am

And my scooter's battery charge is low.

tessiee April 13, 2012 at 9:42 am

Newark is one of those really small towns that just has one guy as the mayor, police chief, fire chief, dog catcher, etc. Cory Booker has a lot of different hats, depending on what he has to do that day.

Arken April 13, 2012 at 12:35 am

I'm confused. Politicians aren't supposed to be heroes.

Man0nTheStreet April 13, 2012 at 1:17 am

Just Super-Villains, like Cheney!

flamingpdog April 13, 2012 at 3:44 am
littlebigdaddy April 13, 2012 at 12:36 am

He's just a Nobama lite taking away our freedoms, especially to die of smoke inhalation. Wake up sheeple!!!!!1111111

Trinket April 13, 2012 at 12:38 am

Corey Booker, American Badass.

WiscDad April 13, 2012 at 11:30 am

Newt Gingrich, American Fatass

EtchySketchy April 13, 2012 at 12:39 am

I once took custody of a 7-11 due to "smoke inhalation"

obfuscator2 April 13, 2012 at 12:43 am

well, booker wasn't shot on sight… i guess we can assume that george zimmerman isn't holed up in newark.

MissNancyPriss April 13, 2012 at 12:43 am

wow.

Trannysurprise April 13, 2012 at 12:44 am

Just like our dear Mayor Gray would have done, if tons of money were on fire.

CrankyLttlCamperette April 13, 2012 at 1:24 am

Nah, he would have had a payroll crony do it for him.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 13, 2012 at 12:44 am

In Florida, the fire would have been allowed to stand its ground.

HippieEsq April 13, 2012 at 7:22 am

They will not stand for any Black-on-Flame crime, goddammit!!!

not that Dewey April 13, 2012 at 10:18 am

That combustible material shouldn't have been hanging around where it might burn!

Doktor StrangeZoom April 13, 2012 at 10:37 am

The woman he rescued had recently been suspended from school. FOR DRUGS???????

not that Dewey April 13, 2012 at 10:43 am

The fire was concerned that all that moisture in the woman might have extinguished it; he had no choice except to try to burn her.

drrty_martini April 13, 2012 at 12:45 am

God, I want to gay marry him.

littlebigdaddy April 13, 2012 at 12:47 am

Hillary/Booker 16!

Man0nTheStreet April 13, 2012 at 1:21 am

In 2017, President Andrew Cuomo will make Booker AG, as a political favor to VP Elizabeth Warren. UN Secretary-General Barack Obama will attend the swearing-in, and Associate Justice Michelle Obama will officiate.

BarackMyWorld April 13, 2012 at 2:34 am

And he'll sit between Sec. of the Treasury Paul Krugman and Sec. of Defense Dennis Kucinich at the State of the Union.

Man0nTheStreet April 13, 2012 at 2:42 am

But in front of Sec. of State Noam Chomsky, who'd rather be working…

BarackMyWorld April 13, 2012 at 2:52 am

Sec. of Education Bill Ayers will stay behind at the White House as per emergency contingency to serve as acting president.

James Michael Curley April 13, 2012 at 5:41 am

Aretha Franklin's hat will perform the benediction. R E S P E C T

Doktor StrangeZoom April 13, 2012 at 12:47 am

Bryan Fischer wants to know whether Booker checked to make sure the woman had paid her rescue fee. If not, Manly Jesus will be mad.

donner_froh April 13, 2012 at 12:47 am

Must not have been wearing a hoodie since he is unshot.

donner_froh April 13, 2012 at 12:50 am

In related news, Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York saved a stack of Treasury bills from accidental shredding by the city hall maintenance department.

tessiee April 13, 2012 at 9:44 am

Saved them from accidentally being spent on schools and pensions, if I know anything about Bloomberg.

Lascauxcaveman April 13, 2012 at 12:56 am

Oh, I get it. Negro man, breaking and entering, etc. etc. Must be a rough neighborhood.

Oh well, as long as it was a incident of black-on-black rescue, no need to get the vapors. These things happen. Doesn't really concern us.

NOCD.

Man0nTheStreet April 13, 2012 at 1:22 am

NOCD?

Callyson April 13, 2012 at 1:29 am

Might be "not our class, dear."

Lascauxcaveman April 13, 2012 at 1:32 am

[pops collar in recognition]

DO come by for cocktails, Friday.

Sixish?

Man0nTheStreet April 13, 2012 at 1:34 am

I heard your Negro domestic makes a delicious chocolate pie!

tessiee April 13, 2012 at 9:45 am

"DO come by for cocktails, Friday.

Sixish?"

*air kiss*
I'll have my people call your people.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 13, 2012 at 12:58 am

Look, lady, when somebody online types DIAF, you really shouldn't take it so literally.

obfuscator2 April 13, 2012 at 1:01 am

this is just another example of nobama's radical black panther leftist race-hustling war on combustion. i hope the good people at the daily caller hold mayor booker's feet to the… eh, you know.

Man0nTheStreet April 13, 2012 at 1:25 am

Daily Caller: This alleged "Mayor" was overheard to frantically, repeatedly shout "Where's the [Ed: (mumble -- perhaps "WHITE" )] woman at?!?"

Radio福井県 April 13, 2012 at 1:27 am

Don't worry, they'll be back to Ann the Martyr in the morning.

Blueb4sunrise April 13, 2012 at 1:18 am

Excellent person and story. Thanks.

The above comments also rate as one of the best strings EVAH!!!!!!!!
Wasn't expecting to laugh during this late check-in, with this story.

anniegetyerfun April 13, 2012 at 1:19 am

Why does Nobama's protégé hate the heat-giving gift of fire that we got from Jeebus?

tessiee April 13, 2012 at 9:46 am

Or Prometheus — whoever — it's all good.

Radio福井県 April 13, 2012 at 1:25 am

Finally! A non-dick story.
Way to go Mayor Cory.
You've won the evening.

sewollef April 13, 2012 at 8:53 am

Hang on a minute, I do believe — or some people say — that Mr Cory Booker himself has a dick, or pep-pee as some other people say.

Cannot confirm that since I refuse to pay the $13 to get over the Verrazano Bridge to find out.

nounverb911 April 13, 2012 at 1:25 am

My hero!

heathenette April 13, 2012 at 10:26 am

Cheney: Curses! Foiled again!

Callyson April 13, 2012 at 1:31 am

Can New Jersey elect this guy governor, and replace the current idiot and asshole who is filling that position at the moment?

Man0nTheStreet April 13, 2012 at 1:42 am

Joisey would have to elect several Bookers at once to fill Gov. FatBastard's chair!

sewollef April 13, 2012 at 8:56 am

Incidentally, Gov. FatBastard was ripped a new one by Secretary of the Treasury, Paul Krugman this morning in the NY Times.

Refreshing… and a sunny Friday in April…. what more can one ask for?

James Michael Curley April 13, 2012 at 10:08 am

Can't wait to get to it as it hasn't come up yet on my email.
I hope he mentions that Christie gave NJ corporations $1.57 billion in tax abatements to 'stay in NJ' and 'create new jobs.' The commitment is for 2,960 (approx) new jobs or $387,500 in tax payer money per job. Since the process stretches out over 15 years that's 198 jobs a year.

James Michael Curley April 13, 2012 at 10:43 am

Now I read the article in the NYTimes. I like Krugman but that issue was so last Tuesday. The absurd amount of tax abadements to ten companies that had started their projects (like the new Prudential Building in Newark replacing an older one and the new warehouse for Goya Foods in Jersey City expanding an older smaller one) were on track before Christie became Governor.

As additional to Krugman's op-ed on the ARC tunnel NJ just found out that it can not cancel $408 million in new locomotives from Bombadier which were designed to be used with the ARC tunnel by being co diesel/electric. Had the ARC tunnel not been a factor in the design of the locomotives, the cost would have been almost $250 million less.

sullivanst April 13, 2012 at 11:14 am

Of course, while Krugman can throw up blog posts any time, his op-eds are only published Mondays and Fridays.

Negropolis April 13, 2012 at 2:49 am

He'd have a chance if he weren't the mayor of Newark. :(

James Michael Curley April 13, 2012 at 5:44 am

We're working on it.

DaRooster April 13, 2012 at 10:10 am

And by "filling the position" you mean "overflowing" right?

Negropolis April 13, 2012 at 1:34 am

You've got to be fucking kidding me. This is absolutely ridiculous in the very best way on this particular event.

BTW, glad the guy has finally told Christie to fuck off after that snake crossed him. I understand these well-meaning Democratic mayors with red governors wanting to stay within their good graces, but they've never cared about urban areas before, and they aren't for the forseeable future.

fuflans April 13, 2012 at 1:48 pm

what did he do to the big one?

SayItWithWookies April 13, 2012 at 1:36 am

Mayor Booker owes Ann Romney an apology.

Seriously though that is amazing — from my understanding of the story it looks like he went in twice, and the second time was pretty sure he was gonna have to jump out the window. That's some serious public service. Fuckin' a, mayor!

sewollef April 13, 2012 at 8:57 am

Doublegood A+

BerkeleyBear April 13, 2012 at 11:49 am

Look for right wing to claim he didn't really need to go in, and should have left it to professionals (who could easily carry out the carcass when they finally showed up). And that it emboldened the North Koreans.

coolhandnuke April 13, 2012 at 1:45 am

A heart-warming story (no pun) indeed and a much needed lift from todays' wangfest.
Yet editrix, you just had to keep with your one-track mind today by tossing in a photo of Andy Dick with the coolest mayor in the country.

Jukesgrrl April 13, 2012 at 1:46 am

I feel a new Bruce Springsteen song on the horizon. When he's finished I'll let you know and we can meet to sing it 'neath the giant Exxon sign that gives this fair city light.

James Michael Curley April 13, 2012 at 5:51 am

"Where're the eyes, the eyes with the will to see
Where are the hearts that run over with mercy"

"We Take Care of Our Own." © Last month – The Boss

not that Dewey April 13, 2012 at 10:20 am

I always found it odd that the prison was right next to the airport.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 13, 2012 at 1:48 am

If only Chris Christie had been there. He could have simply shouted the fire down.

flamingpdog April 13, 2012 at 2:09 am

He could have put out the whole fire just by rolling back and forth across the floor once or twice.

bumfug April 13, 2012 at 2:26 am

Yeah but if he'd have ignited, that fat fuck would have taken Red Adair to put him out.

Jukesgrrl April 13, 2012 at 2:37 am

Or he could have just pooped on it.

James Michael Curley April 13, 2012 at 5:54 am

Flatulence is methane with various aromatics. Once Christie sized bean burrito would have taken out the entire city.

BarackMyWorld April 13, 2012 at 2:43 am

If he'd gone into the fire, he'd be…(wait for it)…Chris Crispy!

Negropolis April 13, 2012 at 2:50 am

I was thinking they could have used him as one of those inflatable rescue bags for when the residents jumped from the windows.

MrFizzy April 13, 2012 at 9:02 am

Let's hope so – if Christie ever caught fire it would be like one of those tire dumps you can never put out. I think the bacon grease alone would keep going for years.

tessiee April 13, 2012 at 9:52 am

He'd smolder longer than Centralia, and probably with more toxic gas emissions.
http://www.damninteresting.com/the-smoldering-rui

ChurchofRealism April 13, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Gov'nr McSandwiches would have totally done the same thing until he realized his helicopter wouldn't fit through the door.

mayor_quimby April 13, 2012 at 1:50 am

You know, Barack and Corey are making it real hard on us ~40 y.o. black dudes out here. Now every black chick is gonna be all 'yeah, you the mayor who lived in the projects and shit, but have you rescued any old ladies from an inferno? OK, but did you kill bin Laden? Lame nigga be quiet, then!
(hood citation http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFeGpBdv3pk )
Your move, mayor Kasim Reed of Atlanta.

Negropolis April 13, 2012 at 2:52 am

I'm waiting for Governor Deval Patrick to jump into Boston Harbor to save a floundering cruiseship by pulling it with his teeth.

obfuscator2 April 13, 2012 at 1:53 am

this story is basically the polar opposite of the trayvon martin tragedy/outrage. trayvon's lynching confirmed my distrust of gun nut racists while mayor booker has confirmed my belief in greater potential of the human race.

DerrickWildcat April 13, 2012 at 1:56 am

New Jersey is the Garden State.

tessiee April 13, 2012 at 9:53 am

"Land of 1000 Mafiosi" didn't look as good on the license plates.

C_R_Eature April 13, 2012 at 9:56 am

And "Fuggedaboutit" was already taken.

tessiee April 13, 2012 at 10:08 am

By an actual store in Tuckerton, NJ:
http://www.local.com/business/details/tuckerton-n

C_R_Eature April 13, 2012 at 10:15 am

Ah, Tuckertoon! Baymen Central. They've done fine things with the Tuckerton Seaport there, BTW.

sullivanst April 13, 2012 at 10:42 am

Also, the Borough of Brooklyn.

CivilMcMannerly April 13, 2012 at 1:57 am

"Booker was in custody of a local hospital"

Ladies and gentlemen… We got him!

Man0nTheStreet April 13, 2012 at 2:11 am

Damn "Goons"! Those uppity "Blahs" are always usin' White Man's hospitals…

flamingpdog April 13, 2012 at 2:10 am

I hope they at least gave him a motherfucking ice tea after it was all over.

BarackMyWorld April 13, 2012 at 2:46 am

Fortunately they couldn't find any Skittles.

tessiee April 13, 2012 at 10:04 am

Or some asshole's bicycle.

flamingpdog April 13, 2012 at 2:17 am

Look at that picture of him up at the top. And you thought Preznit Barry had a big dick!

BarackMyWorld April 13, 2012 at 2:37 am

Goddamn it, I thought Penis Day was over.

Tundra Grifter April 13, 2012 at 9:42 am

What day is Penis Day on Wonkette?

All of them, Katie.

sullivanst April 13, 2012 at 10:28 am

It's been a schlong week…

bagofmice April 13, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Everybody Wang Chung tonight.

flamingpdog April 13, 2012 at 2:20 am

I'm just sad the MGs weren't there to witness his act of heroism.

imissopus April 13, 2012 at 2:21 am

Not to be outdone, L.A. mayor Antonio Villaraigosa was last seen wagging his finger at the San Andreas Fault

Man0nTheStreet April 13, 2012 at 2:25 am

…just before he fell off his bike and into the Fault.

Mayor-to-Be "Magic" Johnson could not be reached for comment.

DeLand_DeLakes April 13, 2012 at 2:28 am

WOW. Didn't he also chase down & catch an actual bank robber a couple years back? This guy is actually a fucking superhero.

Negropolis April 13, 2012 at 2:47 am

BTW, forgive me for originally believing that Mayor Booker actually did what the title described. He's got the perpetual crazy eyes, and politicians are doing strange shit all of the time, and this is New Jersey that we're talking about, after all…anyway, I'm glad I recalibrated my snarkometer to get the joke.

Limeylizzie April 13, 2012 at 8:11 am

Those crazy eyes ,as you call them, are a beautiful colour and I would like to see them roving over my naked body.

Isyaignert April 13, 2012 at 2:48 am

With all due respect to my fellow 'merikans, isn't Newark, NJ the murder/shithole capital of the USA?

Man0nTheStreet April 13, 2012 at 2:54 am

The murder/shithole capital of the USA would be the area inscribed by a 1-mile-radius circle centered on wherever Dick Cheney is at any moment.

Negropolis April 13, 2012 at 2:56 am

Used to be. It's been upgraded in recent years to armpit status.

BearNoLike April 13, 2012 at 2:58 am

No, it's the Jesus-trinket capital of the USA. Here's a quiz!!

Ferry street is mostly what language?
A.Ebonics.
B. I'm a bigot across the board.
C. Portuguese.

Answer: The end, go jump in a lake.

flamingpdog April 13, 2012 at 3:38 am

Just the other night, a Facebook friend of mine who is not altogether willingly moving to Atlantic volunteered that Atlanta looks really nice from the mountains. I suggested that Newark looks really nice from the Moon.

anniegetyerfun April 13, 2012 at 10:29 am

I love Atlanta! I mean, I'd take Atlanta's people over Seattle's any day.

C_R_Eature April 13, 2012 at 8:19 am

Aw, now Newark ain't all that bad. There's been progress since '96 when Time Magazine said it was "The Most Dangerous City in America – they were ranked 23rd in 2010. There's more economic investment now, the Ironbound district is becoming popular and Cory Booker's the mayor.
Plus, I was born near there. Yougoddaproblemwiddat?

BearNoLike April 13, 2012 at 2:48 am

Yes, but has he been to the dunkin' donuts on Ferry, lately?

Cuz, honestly, the bus just ignores my stop, and that's a problem (c. 2004, so things might have improved).

HateMachine April 13, 2012 at 10:34 am

As soon as he's discharged, he plans to chase down the bus on foot and stop it himself (by grabbing the bumper and digging in his heels, natch).

Negropolis April 13, 2012 at 2:53 am

Lest we forget, this was the mayor shoveling out cars and snow-bound residents while Chris Christie was beached down in Florida.

DahBoner April 13, 2012 at 8:01 am

Hardest working mayor in show business…

predilectrix April 13, 2012 at 3:08 am

Somewhere, Vlad Putin is smashing crockery and wondering why he didn't think of this yet.

SudsMcKenzie April 13, 2012 at 4:20 am

As he broke away from his security team and headed into the inferno, he was heard saying "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker".

aklibtard April 13, 2012 at 5:07 am

Oh and BTW, he played football for Stanford

BerkeleyBear April 13, 2012 at 11:53 am

You have now given me a reason to dislike the man forever, no matter how wonderful he is otherwise.

Limeylizzie April 13, 2012 at 6:13 am

I hope his beautiful face wasn't burned, because he is a delicious man.

Texan_Bulldog April 13, 2012 at 8:10 am

Amen. Yummy….

Limeylizzie April 13, 2012 at 8:14 am

He look as if he knows his way around a vagina, no?

Texan_Bulldog April 13, 2012 at 8:45 am

Yes, indeedy. He's welcome to do anything he'd like to this Texan.

heathenette April 13, 2012 at 10:42 am

Yes…Sigh…is it hot in here?

Mumbletypeg April 13, 2012 at 9:09 am

There is something there that appeals to me, I realized at first that he reminds me of point guard Mike Bibby of the NY Knicks..
Also good bud's w/ Rachel Maddow from when they both were at Stanford, according to the wiki.

Limeylizzie April 13, 2012 at 9:15 am

I have seen him, as a guest, with Rachel and he is really a lovely, gentle, smart, thoughtful person, I would love to see him become Governor and then Prez. He is an original.

James Michael Curley April 13, 2012 at 11:05 am

He did Oxford on a Rhodes Scholarship and graduated from my regional high school (twenty years after I did). I haven't met him yet although I knew a few people in Sharpe James administration; but since the writing was on the wall a few years before James was perp walked out of office, I did not keep up those contacts.

occams8ball April 13, 2012 at 7:02 am

This is good news for John McClane.

Mahousu April 13, 2012 at 7:09 am

As usual, you're better off avoiding the comments on the news article. Big topic: Booker was obviously faking his smoke inhalation, since he was able to tweet about it on the way to the hospital.

Amazingly, no one seems to have accused him of setting the fire – at least not yet.

Mahousu April 13, 2012 at 8:33 am

Strike that last statement. "Sophocles" now thinks the whole thing was staged, since no one, "other than a fireman, would run into a burning house to save someone they really don't know." Certainly not. It's un-American to help people without being paid.

sullivanst April 13, 2012 at 8:50 am

And there's no way a black man could possibly "really know" anyone, even his next door neighbor.

Man0nTheStreet April 13, 2012 at 9:52 am

Whaddya 'spect from tha "Goons" & "Blahs"?!?

tessiee April 13, 2012 at 10:21 am

"And there's no way a black man could possibly "really know" anyone"

???
I thought Those People all knew each other.

sullivanst April 13, 2012 at 10:26 am

Well of course they know each other well enough to conspire how to kidnap all the white women (and murder the men), but that's not "really knowing", ya know?

JustPixelz April 13, 2012 at 7:17 am

Perhaps "I'm from the government and I'm here to help" isn't always as terrifying as the wingers want us to believe.

Rescued from a burning building by a neighbor? Sounds like socialism.

The Repubicans will use this story against Booker. And Politifact will help them by rating it "pants on fire".

Doktor StrangeZoom April 13, 2012 at 10:18 am

well, singed at least. He had 2nd degree burns on his hands.

Dr_pangloss April 13, 2012 at 7:28 am

Funny thing happened on the way to the office dear. Cory Booker should carry around a wallet that say "Bad Ass Mutherfucker" on it. They should make a blacksploitation film about that bad muther.

James Michael Curley April 13, 2012 at 11:17 am

If you can find "Street Fight" about the Booker campaign he lost to Sharpe James in 2002 you will definitively see somewhat of a clean shaven Shaft on the streets of Newark.

I saw only a couple episodes of Brick City because other than Brick City the Sundance Channel is terminally boring. Brick City is made from following around Booker on his day to day exploits running Newark. I'm not sure it is still being made, but it's the Sundance Channel, nothng ever goes off the air there.

BlueStateLibel April 13, 2012 at 7:57 am

Oh shut up, Chris Cristie would have done the same thing …it would have taken him two hours to reach the woman, who would've been dead, but he would've done it…in other news Dubya calls Cristie "enormous personality."

C_R_Eature April 13, 2012 at 8:11 am

One touch of that fire would have turned Chris Cristie into a Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man-like Towering Inferno and Dubya is still an "enormous jackass."

HoneyBadgitator April 13, 2012 at 5:52 pm

And he would have worked up quite an appetite by the time he got there and would have eaten her.

DahBoner April 13, 2012 at 7:59 am

Do you know who else liked to break into buildings and carry out women?

C_R_Eature April 13, 2012 at 8:02 am

Cú Chulainn?

Negropolis April 13, 2012 at 8:04 am

That damned, dirty ape King Kong?

BaldarTFlagass April 13, 2012 at 8:30 am

Jame Gumb?

not that Dewey April 13, 2012 at 8:41 am

The Jacobins?

Tundra Grifter April 13, 2012 at 9:45 am

Attila T. Hun?

Chet Kincaid April 13, 2012 at 9:53 am

The lecherous mulatto Lieutenant Governor Silas Lynch, in that classic American docudrama, "The Birth Of A Nation"?

Doktor StrangeZoom April 13, 2012 at 10:19 am

"Lecherous Mulattos" would make a great name for a band

C_R_Eature April 13, 2012 at 9:57 am

Ann Coulter?

Nothingisamiss April 13, 2012 at 10:03 am

Superman?

JerkCade April 13, 2012 at 10:24 am

BIG JIM SLADE!

anniegetyerfun April 13, 2012 at 10:39 am

Mr. Incredible?

bagofmice April 13, 2012 at 12:08 pm

That's a stretch.

Rosie_Scenario April 13, 2012 at 8:07 am

Good thing George Zimmerman wasn't in the building to protect that poor woman. Too soon?

Sharkey April 13, 2012 at 9:37 am

Nope. This Booker is one scary bastard.

tessiee April 13, 2012 at 10:26 am

Just a clarification; in the context of this story:
It IS too soon for a George Zimmerman joke, but
It IS NOT too soon for a Whitney Houston joke.

niblick77 April 13, 2012 at 8:15 am

A mayor needing bodyguards?

BaldarTFlagass April 13, 2012 at 8:22 am

Top that, Mayor Rahm.

anniegetyerfun April 13, 2012 at 10:42 am

There was a time when I would have believed that Rahm would have punched the fire in the fucking nutsack, but after watching him be an utterly useless Chief of Staff, I actually don't believe he'd so much of anything. Maybe light a cigarette off the flames?

Chet Kincaid April 13, 2012 at 12:36 pm

From what I see in the newspaper every day, he'd cut the fire's pay, extend its working hours and raise its fees, until it gave in.

BerkeleyBear April 13, 2012 at 11:57 am

I don't think cussing can put out fire, but Emanuel might just prove me wrong by exhausting the oxygen in the environment.

not that Dewey April 13, 2012 at 8:38 am

"I just grabbed her and whipped her out of the bed," Booker said. The two made their way downstairs, where they both collapsed, Booker said.

'scuse me, while I whip this out…

C_R_Eature April 13, 2012 at 8:58 am

That's a WIN

MilwaukeeKent April 13, 2012 at 8:41 am

Why, that upp…er, arrogant mayor! Throw the book at him! Actually, if you could just hand him this book contract, it needs his signature on several pages, as marked. Thanks. Anyone else need coffee?

BaldarTFlagass April 13, 2012 at 8:50 am

"[Newark Fire Director Fateen] Ziyad"

That's a jihad-y sounding name. And this is the guy that directs fires in Newark? I'd say that's just plain asking for trouble.

FakaktaSouth April 13, 2012 at 8:54 am

I watched the doc "Street Fight" about Mayor Booker's campaign – anyone could have seen this coming a mile away just by the way he treated his parents.

(Oh my god he truly is amazingly wonderful, and part of it is the way he thinks what he does is normal and what anyone SHOULD or would want to do. He's just so freakishly smart and physically fit, I love him.)

Doktor StrangeZoom April 13, 2012 at 10:20 am

And that is one hell of a good movie!

James Michael Curley April 13, 2012 at 11:27 am

I just recommended Street Fight in this thread. I don't know where it is available. I have been talking to pols about Booker as Dem Gov Candidate in 2013 and expected to be able to make a few contacts at the end of next month when I have to attend a state wide function.

Chichikovovich April 13, 2012 at 9:00 am

Was he assisted by Sargeant Takeraway?

C_R_Eature April 13, 2012 at 9:15 am

Yes, because Leftenant Behind was, well, left behind.

not that Dewey April 13, 2012 at 10:05 am

"She was a little shaken, and suffered minor smoke inhalation, but she should be fine in a couple of days", said Dr. Patcherupandsenderhome.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 13, 2012 at 10:27 am

Officer Markedfordeath, who has the sweetest newborn baby girl, a loving wife, and just two weeks to retirement, was busy investigating an armed robbery at a liquor store, but expected to be back in time for the weekly poker game at the station house.

C_R_Eature April 13, 2012 at 10:31 am

Sargeant Publicmasturbator was busy staking out the college dorm parking lot.

Chichikovovich April 13, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Addendum: I didn't realize this was available on the internet, but I shouldhave had more faith in our data-saturated tubes:
Sgt. Takeraway and Sgt. Booker

BaldarTFlagass April 13, 2012 at 9:01 am

After yesterday's Cavalcade of Cock, I'm really hoping today is going to be Boobie Friday here, for the equal opportunity. Although it certainly was a target-rich environment for dick jokes which, along with buttsechs, are one of the fundamental raison d'etres of Wonkette, unless I am gravely mistaken.

freakishlywrong April 13, 2012 at 9:05 am

Even for us laydeez, it really rained dicks yesterday.

C_R_Eature April 13, 2012 at 9:13 am

Today will be all about Cephalopods Mating.

All Cephalopods. All day long.

BaldarTFlagass April 13, 2012 at 9:25 am

I find it difficult to fap to fucking calamari.

C_R_Eature April 13, 2012 at 9:31 am

Sorry, that's just the way it is, today.

Strangely enough, you kind of excite them. Don't be surprised if squids start following you around.

tessiee April 13, 2012 at 10:28 am

Chuthulu libel!!

tessiee April 13, 2012 at 10:30 am

"I find it difficult to fap to fucking calamari."

That is as it should be.
The sound effect that goes with calamari is not ::fapfapfap::, it is ::omnomnom::.

Sharkey April 13, 2012 at 9:45 am

Delicious, delicious cuttlefish.

C_R_Eature April 13, 2012 at 9:47 am

Eat them up, Yum.

Sharkey April 13, 2012 at 9:48 am

I like to sneak up on a mating pair and devour them both.

It's like tasting a rainbow!

Negropolis April 13, 2012 at 9:04 am

Yo, Cory, Imma let you finish, but…how does this affect Sarah Palin?

valthemus April 13, 2012 at 9:09 am

They're using the same headline over at The Daily Caller except to them it's not a gag.

boobookitteh April 13, 2012 at 9:16 am

I don't even think Tom Menino can pronounce the word 'Fire'.

James Michael Curley April 13, 2012 at 11:32 am

When I was Mayor of Boston we had very effective fire insurance.

boobookitteh April 13, 2012 at 12:22 pm

When you were Mayor, you were starting the fires and then charging to put them out.

Veritas78 April 13, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Sure he can. It's a fiw.

metamarcisf April 13, 2012 at 9:22 am

More liberal lies. Booker probably ordered the fire set so he could play hero for the liberal media and gain public support when he challenges Gov. Christie in the next election.

tessiee April 13, 2012 at 10:31 am

"Booker probably ordered the fire set"

Yeah, it was a big ol conspiracy. He's in cahoots with that fire chief guy with the terraist-sounding name.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 13, 2012 at 10:31 am

You've been reading the comments on the news story, haven't you?

Poindexter718 April 13, 2012 at 9:29 am

Where was the Neighborhood Watch when this thug was flaking & perpetrating?
Oh yeah, I forgot they don't have them in NJ on account of the state's pussy gun control laws and the legal liability citizen volunteers would incur due to the lack of a Stand Your Ground statute.

NorbertsRevenge April 13, 2012 at 9:35 am

The tragedy is that this story has become the top recommended story on nj.com, bumping to second place "N.J. man dies from penis enhancing injection, authorities say; woman charged with manslaughter"

Chet Kincaid April 13, 2012 at 9:38 am

Activating his teenage dance skills, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emmanuel jeté-d onstage during a Joffrey Ballet performance last night to save a ballerina who was about to land awkwardly from a pas de deux.

Chet Kincaid April 13, 2012 at 9:38 am

Bat-Mayor

tessiee April 13, 2012 at 9:42 am

Today I am less embarrassed than usual to be from Newark.

C_R_Eature April 13, 2012 at 9:48 am

Roger that.

rickmaci April 13, 2012 at 9:54 am

I'm sure Ann Romney has been rescuing people from burning buildings for decades.

tessiee April 13, 2012 at 10:33 am

Or, at the very least, she and Mitt own several burning buildings.

Barb April 13, 2012 at 9:59 am

It's Friday, the 13th and that is one black cat that can cross my path all day long. Cory, you are a true hero!

Nothingisamiss April 13, 2012 at 10:03 am

Wow, turns out I can read The Wonks when I'm doing 8 hrs of ethics training.

The more you know.

Chet Kincaid April 13, 2012 at 10:16 am

"Mr. Mayor, The Machine has given us another number."
http://images.buddytv.com/artist-photos/21-1734/W

Barb April 13, 2012 at 10:28 am

I love that show!

Chet Kincaid April 13, 2012 at 10:35 am

Me too, although it's gotten to the point where "everybody knows" but nobody can say anything to anybody else.

Sharkey April 13, 2012 at 10:24 am

Booker was in custody of a local hospital for smoke inhalation.

A friend quoted him as saying "I though that was the point."

sarah_connor April 13, 2012 at 11:39 am

that photo! do you think he is trying to tell us something? (scratches head, shifts in chair)

Biff April 13, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Meanwhile, on the other side of the country, also-thug mayor Kevin "KJ" Johnson is holding the Sacramento Kings hostage.

owhatever April 13, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Fox News reports he dashed into the building screaming, "Where de white women at?"

OneYieldRegular April 13, 2012 at 1:50 pm

I guess we now know who'll be occupying the coveted Sully Sullenberger chair at Obama's second inauguration.

Dumbedup April 13, 2012 at 2:17 pm

In other Garden State news, Governor Christie ate 9 pizzas and took a 40lb. dump!!!

trampndirtdown April 13, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I keep getting the mental image of Governor Sammiches as Charles During in his role as Gov. in O Brother Where Art Thou. Yelling at his advisers, " Why didn't you think of this! Get a baby to rescue!"

kit10 April 13, 2012 at 6:17 pm

This is such a great spoof. It's also exactly what Commander Vimes was accused of by a political rival after rescuing a woman from a burning building in "Jingo" by Terry Pratchett, proving that great minds think alike.

Negropolis April 13, 2012 at 9:14 pm

"I mean, look, Chet, I’m not a bigot. You know the kind of posts I’ve written on these Wonkettes. But when I get on the plane, I got to tell you, if I see people who are in Blah, Democratic mayors' garb and I think, you know, they are identifying themselves first and foremost as Blah, Democratic mayors, I get worried. I get nervous.”

Yeah, I'm going to run that into the ground. I'm going to land it like John McCain lands a jet fighter, let me tell you.

ttommyunger April 14, 2012 at 9:45 am

Can. Not. Snark. About. This.

Lascauxcaveman April 13, 2012 at 1:48 am

Negro? Oh, please. She prefers the term 'octaroon.' (And though honestly you may feel free to divide that by two, one can hardly tell the difference, in this case.)

Mostly we just call her 'Maud, dear.'

obfuscator2 April 13, 2012 at 2:20 am

"LANA!!!!"

/danger zone

Chet Kincaid April 13, 2012 at 10:34 am

Octaroons are on sale at Treasure Island this week. I think they're either those tiny navel oranges or those weird cookies with the coconut bits.

BarackMyWorld April 13, 2012 at 2:41 am

Black astronaut? That's like killing a unicorn.

bagofmice April 13, 2012 at 6:17 am

I think I hear some Kenny Loggins.

Man0nTheStreet April 13, 2012 at 3:15 am

And to activate the ACORN-trained ghey-secular-Marxist pre-school Re-education-camp teacher shock-troop battalions.

not that Dewey April 13, 2012 at 8:53 am

Sure, but then Speaker of the House James O'Keefe would turn off the C-SPAN cameras and Senate Majority Leader Rich Lowry would block all further cabinet appointments.

tessiee April 13, 2012 at 9:46 am

Quite possible, he's on the "Three Kennys" tour with Kenny Rogers and Kenny G.

C_R_Eature April 13, 2012 at 9:54 am

"O Cuttlefish," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none–
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.

freakishlywrong April 13, 2012 at 9:54 am

I thought that was Skittles. OMG!! PhwewPhwew!

BaldarTFlagass April 13, 2012 at 10:13 am

Drinking don't bother my memory. If it did I wouldn't drink. I couldn't. You see, I'd forget how good it was, then where'd I be? Start drinkin' water again.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 13, 2012 at 10:16 am

How quickly we forget the achievements of the Old Negro Space Program

C_R_Eature April 13, 2012 at 10:17 am

Water! Never touch the stuff. Cephalopods fuck in it.

Pour me another shot, willya?

MoeDeLawn April 13, 2012 at 10:30 am

Oh Doktor! What a sweet, sweet parody. thanks.

anniegetyerfun April 13, 2012 at 10:43 am

It will ruin Wonkette, too.

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