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In Embittered Lovers’ War Of Words, Fox Slams Newt Gingrich For Two-Timing With CNN

Poor NewtIt was recently reported that Newt Gingrich and Fox News had a tiff. Newt likes attention and Fox had plenty to give, but not to Newt. Fox met a new man. His name is Mitt. He was everything Newt couldn’t be. Newt tried to get Fox to return by opening up his heart and writing a poem, but nothing worked. Newt started seeing CNN later on and recent reports have seen them out on the town together. Rumor has it that Newt and Callista will even be sitting at CNN’s table rather than Fox’s table during the White House Correspondents’ dinner. When Fox learned of Newt courting CNN, she became jealous and a war of words has now ensued.

“This is nothing other than Newt auditioning for a windfall of a gig at CNN – that’s the kind of man he is. Not to mention that he’s still bitter about the fact that we terminated his contributor contract.”

Fox insists it has been fair and balanced, leaving people to wonder if Newt has been an asshole from the get-go. It is doubtful considering Newt has shown massive amounts of credibility lately by winning two states and getting his picture on the counter of every 7/11 and check cashing place throughout the country. We would have asked George Will for his opinion, but it was pointed out he is another jealous prick wanting a hunk of Newt.

“In the case of Will, I was on [George] Stephanopoulos on Sunday morning with him, and it was kind of a ‘You’re not allowed to run for office – I mean, if you could run for office, why am I not running for office?’ And it’s almost like they were personally offended. You know, ‘This can’t be real,’ and ‘How can this guy go do that?’ I got that reaction from Will a few years back about writing a book, because I’m supposed to be a politician. He’s supposed to be the writer. Well, I’ve now written 24 books, and 13 of them are New York Times bestsellers. I mean, there’s a morning when George ought to just get over it.”

There was only one other avenue to turn to in order to find out if Fox was in the wrong or if it was Newt. It was time to go straight to the source; the entire Republican party. Unfortunately, it turns out they are all jealous of Newt too. Newt even described his own party as “inarticulate”!

“The Republican party is a managerial party that doesn’t like to fight, doesn’t like to read books.”

So, why is Fox firing back at Newt if he is such a great guy? It looks like he is an asshole after all! It turns out that Newt learned of a mole that popped up at Fox and assumed it was cancer resulting in his departure. Everyone knows, when a polyp shows, Newt goes.


About the author

Erik Jay is currently unemployed, but has a history of managing various motels and quitting customer service jobs on day 1. He still feels accomplished graduating from a continuation high school in 1989.

View all articles by Erik Jay
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  1. terriblyfamous

    “The Republican party is a managerial party that doesn’t like to fight, doesn’t like to read books."

    You're half right.

    1. Negropolis

      I'm not even sure if he's even that in the right, 'cause those idiots couldn't manage their way out of a paper bag.

  2. coolhandnuke

    A mix tape from Newt to Fox might repair the damage.
    I suggest a Wagner and Diamonds are Forever theme.

  3. CogitoErgoBibo

    FOX is just bitter about being the news outlet Newt was willing to screw, but wouldn't marry.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    “The Republican party is a managerial party that doesn’t… like to read books.”

    Then how come all those Regnery books end up on the NY Times Best Seller List? It wouldn't be because someone is buying them up in bulk at discount and giving them away for subscribing to Free Republic, would it?

  5. WonkCynic

    Propaganda is propaganda, no matter which group of media whore imbeciles are spewing it. Neither channel bothers telling the idiots in this country that they are being sold out. They just promote the partisan puppet show so two opposing groups of morons can continue smothering the rest of us with a never ending cycle of shit every 4 years.

    1. Negropolis

      Both sides do it/they are all the same/I'm a cantankerous asshole; make me a sandwich.

      I knew Ken Layne; Ken Layne was an online buddy of mine. You, sir, are no Ken Layne.

  6. GuyClinch

    I hope everything works out with Newtie and CNN. Everybody knows, though, that Newt is heavily into B&D infanitlism (stuffs his diapers with melty Reese's peanut-butter eggs, has to lick up his "poo", &c). Wolf Blitzer is into that, obviously, but the rest of the network? Not too sure.

      1. GuyClinch

        And with all the CVS's and Walgreens and supermarkets having post-Easter candy sales, I just know that Newt is stocking up and dropping bad checks all over town.

    1. ThundercatHo

      Do the squiddies all die after mating? If so, kind of sad. However, I wouldn't mind seeing Newt and Callista's pale corpses at the bottom of the sea, unless they were naked.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Do the squiddies all die after mating? That they do, after depositing and fertilizing thousands of eggs. They live for a year or so.
        While I'd love to see Newt & Callista in a hole at the bottom of the sea, I don't want to see hundreds of thousands of free-swimming Newt clones either. The Earth just can't take it.

  7. WiscDad

    What the fuck ever…Moot is just another fucking grifter that can't even manage to pay his fucking bills.

  8. fartknocker

    14:58, 14:59, 15:00. Ding, ding, ding. Your fucking 15 minutes is up Newt. STFU and go away. Go write another book that can be thrown into the dust bin of America.

  9. FakaktaSouth

    Am I the only one who now believes CNN is even MORE suspect if the mighty Speaker Newt has deigned to crown it just? Not that FOX is better, but CNN has Newt Taint on it. And that is the very worst taint of all.

    1. ThundercatHo

      You don't think that Callista keeps Newt's taint clean and shiny? Now I've just made myself nauseous. Back to CReature's Cuttlefish.

  10. Wile E. Quixote

    Newt needs to win Fox back with a dramatic gesture. I suggest dressing up in a trench coat and standing outside of Roger Ailes house with a boom box on his head playing something tender and romantic by Peter Gabriel, like Shock the Monkey or Digging in the Dirt.

  11. Mumbletypeg

    Every time you open your piehole, Newty, another unpaid balance memo marked "Unread" joins the other floaters that refuse to be flushed. Shut up and go pay off some vendors, tool.

  12. chicken_thief

    If Fox had given him a dressing room with two bathrooms like he wanted none of this would have happened.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    Newt really knows how to make himself a hot property — pissing on the entire political party he was trying to win the nomination of. All of his almost-ex-wives must be breathing sighs of relief at this display of levelheadedness and maturity.

    1. C_R_Eature

      I'll bet that all of his almost-ex-wives are kicking back with martinis and saying "Been there. Done that".

  14. Oblios_Cap

    He'll be surprised to find out that CNN is going to make him sit in the back of the plane just like FOX did.

  15. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This is why I get all my news from here and the homeless transvestite who lives in my alley.

  16. JustPixelz

    "…leaving people to wonder if Newt has been an asshole from the get-go"

    Actually, I wasn't wondering that.

  17. dijetlo

    Meh… this is what always happens when the money runs out. You start to argue, your partners eye strays to that handsome quarter-of-a-billionaire who just wants to "chat" about "feelings"…the next thing you know he's all up in your little anchor bunny, bragging to his friends who own country clubs every time Rupert Murdoch shows up on court TV….
    "Tapped dat!"….
    If he were a human being, I'd feel sorry for Newt, but since he's a lizard person walking around in a human suit….fuck that ugly reptile (that goes double for Callista, of course…)

  18. anniegetyerfun

    I'm sure CNN feels a bit like the shy girl who was just publicly asked to the school dance by the slightly "special" kid who eats his own boogers and washes his shoes out in the bathroom sink at lunch ("Because it'll keeps thems cleaner!") but whom, somehow, has not been removed from general classes despite being unable to read or control his bladder.

    "Flattered" is not exactly the word.

  19. Dudleydidwrong

    CNN and that fucking lizard deserve each other. Being whore/;wife #5 must make CNN feel really special, like being chosen 5th runner-up in the "Best typist in the office" contest.

  20. ttommyunger

    Well, at least he will be sitting at the table, rather than kneeling under the table like he does at the Koch-Palace.

  21. valthemus

    Between all the infighting and egoism, I feel like we're only weeks away from one far-righter actually, literally eating another. Grilled, of course. With A-1 on the side. Or maybe tartar sauce.

  22. fitley

    The ONLY reason that TeaNN would hire Spewt is in the hopes that he could peel away some of Fox's inbred racist audience. That's all Spewt has to offer. After Fox viewers get their fill of hate speech they stick around for the Blonde Bimbos.

  23. lulzmonger

    Heh … compared to Eric Erickson, Newticles is fucking Edward R. Murrow.

    DO IT, CNN! Can't hurt the journalistic cred you don't have.

Comments are closed.