Poor NewtIt was recently reported that Newt Gingrich and Fox News had a tiff. Newt likes attention and Fox had plenty to give, but not to Newt. Fox met a new man. His name is Mitt. He was everything Newt couldn’t be. Newt tried to get Fox to return by opening up his heart and writing a poem, but nothing worked. Newt started seeing CNN later on and recent reports have seen them out on the town together. Rumor has it that Newt and Callista will even be sitting at CNN’s table rather than Fox’s table during the White House Correspondents’ dinner. When Fox learned of Newt courting CNN, she became jealous and a war of words has now ensued.

“This is nothing other than Newt auditioning for a windfall of a gig at CNN – that’s the kind of man he is. Not to mention that he’s still bitter about the fact that we terminated his contributor contract.”

Fox insists it has been fair and balanced, leaving people to wonder if Newt has been an asshole from the get-go. It is doubtful considering Newt has shown massive amounts of credibility lately by winning two states and getting his picture on the counter of every 7/11 and check cashing place throughout the country. We would have asked George Will for his opinion, but it was pointed out he is another jealous prick wanting a hunk of Newt.

“In the case of Will, I was on [George] Stephanopoulos on Sunday morning with him, and it was kind of a ‘You’re not allowed to run for office – I mean, if you could run for office, why am I not running for office?’ And it’s almost like they were personally offended. You know, ‘This can’t be real,’ and ‘How can this guy go do that?’ I got that reaction from Will a few years back about writing a book, because I’m supposed to be a politician. He’s supposed to be the writer. Well, I’ve now written 24 books, and 13 of them are New York Times bestsellers. I mean, there’s a morning when George ought to just get over it.”

There was only one other avenue to turn to in order to find out if Fox was in the wrong or if it was Newt. It was time to go straight to the source; the entire Republican party. Unfortunately, it turns out they are all jealous of Newt too. Newt even described his own party as “inarticulate”!

“The Republican party is a managerial party that doesn’t like to fight, doesn’t like to read books.”

So, why is Fox firing back at Newt if he is such a great guy? It looks like he is an asshole after all! It turns out that Newt learned of a mole that popped up at Fox and assumed it was cancer resulting in his departure. Everyone knows, when a polyp shows, Newt goes.


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  • gullywompr

    Guess they do know how to quit him…

  • terriblyfamous

    “The Republican party is a managerial party that doesn’t like to fight, doesn’t like to read books."

    You're half right.

    • Negropolis

      I'm not even sure if he's even that in the right, 'cause those idiots couldn't manage their way out of a paper bag.

  • Lucidamente1

    This is a stupid person's idea of what a smart career move looks like.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Hell hath no fury like a philanderer scorned.

  • Barb

    There goes any chance Fox news had of being broadcast from the moon.

  • metamarcisf

    I don't believe Dostoyevsky ever had a book on the NY Times bestseller list.

    • Baconzgood


    • Fare la Volpe

      Neither did that Billy Shakespeare dude.

      • Negropolis

        Truly, ole Bill was the Dan Brown of playwrites.

  • Baconzgood

    Jesus Newt! Hit FOX with your purse you little bitch.

  • coolhandnuke

    A mix tape from Newt to Fox might repair the damage.
    I suggest a Wagner and Diamonds are Forever theme.

    • coolhandnuke

      And some Juice Newton.

  • FNMA

    And here I thought Fox News gave the better blowjobs…

    • terriblyfamous

      Too much teeth, is what I've heard.

      • anniegetyerfun

        True for Doocy and O'Reilly, but Kilmeade is all tongue.

  • AlterNewt

    They seemed like such a nice couple.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    FOX is just bitter about being the news outlet Newt was willing to screw, but wouldn't marry.

  • bumfug

    Most convincing argument from Fox: "He's too much of an asshole, even for us!"

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “The Republican party is a managerial party that doesn’t… like to read books.”

    Then how come all those Regnery books end up on the NY Times Best Seller List? It wouldn't be because someone is buying them up in bulk at discount and giving them away for subscribing to Free Republic, would it?

    • terriblyfamous

      Buying books in bulk is not the same as reading them.

    • Aka Scientology Method.

  • BlueStateLibel

    "Karma's a bitch, isn't it Newt?" – your sick ex-wives that you dumped.

  • WonkCynic

    Propaganda is propaganda, no matter which group of media whore imbeciles are spewing it. Neither channel bothers telling the idiots in this country that they are being sold out. They just promote the partisan puppet show so two opposing groups of morons can continue smothering the rest of us with a never ending cycle of shit every 4 years.

    • Negropolis

      Both sides do it/they are all the same/I'm a cantankerous asshole; make me a sandwich.

      I knew Ken Layne; Ken Layne was an online buddy of mine. You, sir, are no Ken Layne.

  • I hope everything works out with Newtie and CNN. Everybody knows, though, that Newt is heavily into B&D infanitlism (stuffs his diapers with melty Reese's peanut-butter eggs, has to lick up his "poo", &c). Wolf Blitzer is into that, obviously, but the rest of the network? Not too sure.

    • anniegetyerfun

      I think you just ruined my appetite forever.

      • And with all the CVS's and Walgreens and supermarkets having post-Easter candy sales, I just know that Newt is stocking up and dropping bad checks all over town.

  • SorosBot

    Why doesn't Fox understand, Newt just wanted an open relationship?

    • terriblyfamous

      CNN will give that to him. CNN doesn't care what he does.

  • C_R_Eature

    This story would be perfect if Newt was in the hospital taking treatments for Cancer and FOX made him sign Contractual Release papers.

    Not at all like Squid Fucking Each Other

    • ThundercatHo

      Do the squiddies all die after mating? If so, kind of sad. However, I wouldn't mind seeing Newt and Callista's pale corpses at the bottom of the sea, unless they were naked.

      • C_R_Eature

        Do the squiddies all die after mating? That they do, after depositing and fertilizing thousands of eggs. They live for a year or so.
        While I'd love to see Newt & Callista in a hole at the bottom of the sea, I don't want to see hundreds of thousands of free-swimming Newt clones either. The Earth just can't take it.

  • WiscDad

    What the fuck ever…Moot is just another fucking grifter that can't even manage to pay his fucking bills.

  • meatlofer

    CNN= Cable Newt News

  • How dare they speak that way about Das Moonfuehrer!

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Newt? Cheating?! The very cheek.

    • NellCote71

      please. Don't. Don't use Newt and cheek in the same sentence.

    • lulzmonger

      Surely, noone could have predicted this …

  • Mahousu

    George Will tried stealing Gingrich's debate book to help Romney, but it turned out to be just a collection of pictures of Newt in various historical costumes – Roman emperor, Tudor king, Edo-era shogun, Apollo astronaut, etc.

  • fartknocker

    14:58, 14:59, 15:00. Ding, ding, ding. Your fucking 15 minutes is up Newt. STFU and go away. Go write another book that can be thrown into the dust bin of America.

    • anniegetyerfun

      No! This is my favorite conservative meltdown yet!

  • FakaktaSouth

    Am I the only one who now believes CNN is even MORE suspect if the mighty Speaker Newt has deigned to crown it just? Not that FOX is better, but CNN has Newt Taint on it. And that is the very worst taint of all.

    • ThundercatHo

      You don't think that Callista keeps Newt's taint clean and shiny? Now I've just made myself nauseous. Back to CReature's Cuttlefish.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Newt needs to win Fox back with a dramatic gesture. I suggest dressing up in a trench coat and standing outside of Roger Ailes house with a boom box on his head playing something tender and romantic by Peter Gabriel, like Shock the Monkey or Digging in the Dirt.

    • C_R_Eature

      That sounds like a good way to get shot, to me.

      I say he goes for it.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        He should switch the trench coat for a hoodie.

    • doloras

      This time you've gone too far! I told you, I told you!

  • sharethegrief

    When all of this passes, will Newt and Fox have make-up-sex?

    • terriblyfamous

      Sometimes they fight just because the make-up sex is so, so sweet.

    • lulzmonger


  • Wilcoxyz

    I hope CNN knows how he treated his old lady Freddie Mac when she got sick.

  • mavenmaven

    Fox actually wanted Callista for their youth programming. Callista Explains it All.

  • Every time you open your piehole, Newty, another unpaid balance memo marked "Unread" joins the other floaters that refuse to be flushed. Shut up and go pay off some vendors, tool.

  • chicken_thief

    If Fox had given him a dressing room with two bathrooms like he wanted none of this would have happened.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Newt really knows how to make himself a hot property — pissing on the entire political party he was trying to win the nomination of. All of his almost-ex-wives must be breathing sighs of relief at this display of levelheadedness and maturity.

    • C_R_Eature

      I'll bet that all of his almost-ex-wives are kicking back with martinis and saying "Been there. Done that".

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Hell hath no fury like a media mogul scorned.

  • Newt wants FOX to see CNN giving him a blowjob so it will want him more….

  • chicken_thief

    This will really boost CNN ratings!!!

  • anniegetyerfun

    Newt even described his own party as “inarticulate”!

    Blind squirrel, nut, etc.

  • Callyson


  • Oblios_Cap

    He'll be surprised to find out that CNN is going to make him sit in the back of the plane just like FOX did.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This is why I get all my news from here and the homeless transvestite who lives in my alley.

    • C_R_Eature

      "Fair and Unbalanced". At your Service.

  • JustPixelz

    "…leaving people to wonder if Newt has been an asshole from the get-go"

    Actually, I wasn't wondering that.

    • C_R_Eature

      Wasn't it obvious? Like from the beginning of his career?

      • anniegetyerfun

        My guess is that it was obvious since birth.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Intellectual Ebola.

  • dijetlo

    Meh… this is what always happens when the money runs out. You start to argue, your partners eye strays to that handsome quarter-of-a-billionaire who just wants to "chat" about "feelings"…the next thing you know he's all up in your little anchor bunny, bragging to his friends who own country clubs every time Rupert Murdoch shows up on court TV….
    "Tapped dat!"….
    If he were a human being, I'd feel sorry for Newt, but since he's a lizard person walking around in a human suit….fuck that ugly reptile (that goes double for Callista, of course…)

  • anniegetyerfun

    I'm sure CNN feels a bit like the shy girl who was just publicly asked to the school dance by the slightly "special" kid who eats his own boogers and washes his shoes out in the bathroom sink at lunch ("Because it'll keeps thems cleaner!") but whom, somehow, has not been removed from general classes despite being unable to read or control his bladder.

    "Flattered" is not exactly the word.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Overflowing colostomy bag Newt Gingrich expressed an opinion on something today.

  • Alt text: "Waiting by the phone"

  • rickmaci

    Damn. Newt and Roger Ailes going all Brokeback on each other.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    CNN and that fucking lizard deserve each other. Being whore/;wife #5 must make CNN feel really special, like being chosen 5th runner-up in the "Best typist in the office" contest.

  • Negropolis

    There is no honor among thieves. Reap what you sow, motherfuckers; reap what you sow.

  • ttommyunger

    Well, at least he will be sitting at the table, rather than kneeling under the table like he does at the Koch-Palace.

  • Between all the infighting and egoism, I feel like we're only weeks away from one far-righter actually, literally eating another. Grilled, of course. With A-1 on the side. Or maybe tartar sauce.

  • fitley

    The ONLY reason that TeaNN would hire Spewt is in the hopes that he could peel away some of Fox's inbred racist audience. That's all Spewt has to offer. After Fox viewers get their fill of hate speech they stick around for the Blonde Bimbos.

  • lulzmonger

    Heh … compared to Eric Erickson, Newticles is fucking Edward R. Murrow.

    DO IT, CNN! Can't hurt the journalistic cred you don't have.

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