DEPLOY THOSE SURROGATES  4:50 pm April 12, 2012

Foster Friess Is Already Doing The Lord’s Work For Mitt Romney On Teevee

by Jim Newell

Foster Friess, a gadgets/apps blogger at Foster’s Campfire Blog who also has hundreds of millions of dollars, is letting the Mitt Romney campaign know very early on that if it wants his sweet, sweet SuperPAC money that had been going to Rick Santorum, it will permit him to go out of his way to embarrass himself and everyone associated with him on television, whenever he wants. Now who’d like a metaphor?

And so, to yesterday’s cable news spot:“There are a lot of things that haven’t been hammered at because Rick and Mitt have been going at each other. Now that they have trained their barrels on President Obama, I hope his teleprompters are bullet-proof.” The LA Times suggests that Friess was using “gun imagery” here. We just don’t see it, liberal media.

This guy is funny, is all we’re saying. He’s a comedian. Was he literally encouraging Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum to assassinate the President of the United States? Naw, that’s just some homespun country talk from ol’ Foss. Heh heh boy howdy, I do declare, motherfuckers.

[LAT]

 
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{ 99 comments }

Barb April 12, 2012 at 4:52 pm

He should hold a lithium pill between his ass cheeks to keep from conceiving such stupid shit.

donner_froh April 12, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Metaphor? This guy is so dumb you would need a metafive.

actor212 April 12, 2012 at 5:09 pm

I dunno, Sure about that? If it's OK by you, I'd like to take some measurements. Seems to me he's a metastasize…

Nostrildamus April 12, 2012 at 6:34 pm

He goes all the way to metaeleven.

Come here a minute April 12, 2012 at 4:53 pm

POTUS will Promptly put a cap in his ass!

WIDTAP April 12, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Three words: Prez got drones.

nounverb911 April 12, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Secret Service on line two Mr. Friess.

bumfug April 12, 2012 at 4:53 pm

My kids used to love going to Foster Freeze for nice cone on a summer day, now this asshole has to come along and fuck up fond memories.

fartknocker April 12, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Foster also professed the theory that abstinence begins by have the woman user her knees to hold an aspirin during dates. Foster will be essential in Williard's campaign.

By the way Mittens, do you now know what the Lilly Ledbetter Act is?

smrtmnky April 12, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Schadenfriess errybody

actor212 April 12, 2012 at 5:16 pm

With ketchup!

edgydrifter April 12, 2012 at 4:55 pm

But when he says "kill that uppity nigger," he actually means "kill that uppity nigger."

Barb April 12, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Knock knock
who's there
Navy SEALS, asshole.

DahBoner April 12, 2012 at 7:10 pm

He needs a Seal Eye exam…

jaytingle April 12, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I think we're overlooking the fact that Obama uses a TelePrompter. Everything else pales in comparison.

Limeylizzie April 12, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Except for Obama himself, he will never pale enough for these morons.

metamarcisf April 12, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I want you to hold the chicken between your knees.

Mumbletypeg April 12, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Five Easy Pieces libel fapworthy!1!

Angry_Marmot April 12, 2012 at 5:18 pm

I want to see a picture of the chicken first.

Clancy_Pants April 12, 2012 at 4:57 pm

The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.

Toomush_Infer April 12, 2012 at 8:35 pm

That hampster's not dead…..he's asleep….

AlterNewt April 12, 2012 at 11:46 pm

He's resting.

DaRooster April 12, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Gimme some fries, Friess.

ProgressiveInga April 12, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Holy Felony, Batman! Mister Freeze sure stepped on his frozen putz, didn't he?

SorosBot April 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Ice to see you.

actor212 April 12, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Quickly. Robin, the Bat-o-bama!

Lucidamente1 April 12, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Mr. Friess added, "I'm sorry if I misspoke. What I meant to say is 'shoot the nigger.'"

Lascauxcaveman April 12, 2012 at 4:57 pm

I was wondering what those surveyors' marks were doing on the teleprompterz.

edgydrifter April 12, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Hey now. Surveyors use lasers for targeting, too. Why so paranoid?

Schmannnity April 12, 2012 at 4:57 pm

If you're so dumb, why is you rich?

Angry_Marmot April 12, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Money creates a false impression of one's expertise in all fields of human endeavour. I used to think my tax refund made me an expert at picking the most sincere exotic dancers.

Jukesgrrl April 12, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Eudora Welty LIBEL!

Rotundo_ April 12, 2012 at 6:09 pm

It comes down to balls: If daddy was rich you have the lucky sperm club winner. If not, Foster probably has big nasty atrophied ones that have given him the heavy overdoses of testosterone to grift his way to glory. Neither route to prosperity requires intellect.

Callyson April 12, 2012 at 4:57 pm

“There are a lot of things that haven’t been hammered at because Rick and Mitt have been going at each other. Now that they have trained their barrels on President Obama, I hope his teleprompters are bullet-proof.”

Yeah, because the Republicans haven't spent any time at all going after Obama about gas prices/the economy/health care/supposedly disrespectful comments about the Supreme Court/some imaginary attack on stay at home moms/any other crap they can come up with…

JFC.

CogitoErgoBibo April 12, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Oh, Foster. Such a laugh-riot, you are! It's always hilarious when it's suggested that our sitting President should fear assassination. And teleprompters. Especially lazy, Democratic, non-bulletproof teleprompters.

GuanoFaucet April 12, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Now that they have trained their barrels on President Obama, I hope his teleprompters are bullet-proof.”

Clearly, by barrels, he means surveyor's tools, and by bullet-proof, he means the teleprompter is level.

OneDollarJuana April 12, 2012 at 4:58 pm

I see Jim is continuing the penis-theme today. Whatta coupla dicks.

Extemporanus April 12, 2012 at 4:58 pm

T.S. Elliot
@TSElly

this is way wrld ends x3.not w bang but w twitter****

12 Apr 25

SayItWithWookies April 12, 2012 at 4:58 pm

With all of Mr. Freiss' overcompensation, I hope he's covered in dental dams.

Radio福井県 April 12, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Foster Freeze, it's Australian for a shit-stain cocksicle.

Radio福井県 April 12, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Personally, I prefer Foster Brooks.

littlebigdaddy April 12, 2012 at 5:32 pm

I prefer Foster's Lager.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 12, 2012 at 5:02 pm

"Yee Haw"! Pew! Pew! Pew!

DaRooster April 12, 2012 at 5:04 pm

This guy should watch out… doesn't he know about the new Wonkette rules?

LastGasp April 12, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Mr. Friess, are you making threats to the guy who killed Bin Laden? Yeah, it might be better if you retract your remarks soon.

Chet Kincaid April 12, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Goddamnit, I had been Foster-Free since Feb. 16th!! I've only got so much time to waste forgetting this asshole.

Barb April 12, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Wow, in keeping up with "cock day" at Wonkette, this story comes 2 dicks pictured.

chascates April 12, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Breibart.com will come up with a comment from Obama calling himself a 'son of a gun' or something so it will actually be OK since Obama went first.

gout April 12, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Ha ha, I get it. The president has to use teleprompters caus he is so dumb. Boy a joke like that just never gets old.

Barb April 12, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Yeah, that and the "57 states" comment. No one cared that John McCain thought he was visiting the 13 colonies.

Jukesgrrl April 12, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Or that he has a house in each of them but he can't remember where they are.

bikerlaureate April 12, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Source unknown, but I wish I'd thought of it…

Barb April 12, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Awesome Biker! Thanks!

bikerlaureate April 12, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Yup.

Oh, and let's not forget Newt

mrblifil April 12, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Foster's…It's Australian for shithead apparently.

CthuNHu April 12, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Shitfaced, actually.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 12, 2012 at 5:11 pm

That's not Fostering transcendence!

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Whew…,. thank God he isn't a liberal, of FOX News would have to drop some of their Vetting of President and Defense of Zimmerman coverage to demand that Santorum and Romney denounce him and return all his money. Heck, there wouldn't even be time to blame Obama for destroying America then.

Blueb4sunrise April 12, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Then Loud Obbs said, "Enough of that, how about we bomb Mexico?"

Barrelhse April 12, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Humor requires a degree of intelligence and creativity that the right-wingers can only regard from a distance.

Chet Kincaid April 12, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Palin can see humor from her house!

Jus_Wonderin April 12, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Is that another Palin spawn playing in the yard?

fartknocker April 12, 2012 at 5:18 pm

The Twitter machine apparently doesn't have a "Are you sure you want to send that message dipshit?" dialogue box.

Toomush_Infer April 12, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Hey, I love our edit function….

Chet Kincaid April 12, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Well, Hillary Rosenberg just called Ann Romney a lazy, spendthrift hausfrau, so all bets are off!!1!!

anniegetyerfun April 12, 2012 at 5:24 pm

I'm sure that the conservative outrage over THIS will surpass the RMoney/Rosen debaucle in short order.

ifthethunderdontgetya April 12, 2012 at 5:19 pm

All We Are Saying
Is Give Bullets A Chance

- Mark David Chapman

Extemporanus April 12, 2012 at 5:22 pm

♪♫ All the candidates with the prompter scripts,
You better run, better run, outrun my gun…
All the candidates with the prompter scripts,
You better run, better run, faster than my bullet…
♪♫

Gleem McShineys April 12, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Very nice!

SET MY PEOPLE FREISS!

Jus_Wonderin April 12, 2012 at 5:23 pm

I bet this could have been avoided if his Tweeter had knobs and dials on it. Some oldz aren't quite ready for the digital age.

Chet Kincaid April 12, 2012 at 5:27 pm

I can see a market for an "Old Timey Twitter Machine," a single-app computer that looks like a 1920s radio. What the hell, throw a popcorn popper in there too.

Jukesgrrl April 12, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Maybe he could get some tips from Sen. Grandpa Cornpants.

Toomush_Infer April 12, 2012 at 8:42 pm

mmmm…knobs and dials…..heh heh….

Barrelhse April 12, 2012 at 5:29 pm

But wait- what happened to Rick Santorum, the Chosen? God is dumping the believers like a sack of unwanted kittens, I wonder how that could be?!

fuflans April 12, 2012 at 5:31 pm

twat.

Jukesgrrl April 12, 2012 at 5:33 pm

I would like Foster Friess to have an affair with Sarah Palin so they could have a baby named TaStupid.

fitley April 12, 2012 at 5:42 pm

*Knock Knock*
-Who's there?
-Is Foster there?
-Foster who?
*SOUND OF EXPLOSION, THEN TEAR GAS CANNISTER ,THEN 6 PISTOLS COCKED*
-Foster….. Freeze asshole…FBI.

Chet Kincaid April 12, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Some illuminating selections from Mr. Friess's bio on his website:
http://fosterfriess.com/man-atop-the-horse/

Amidst this professional success, Foster says that his personal life struggled. Behind the scenes, he had “a marriage flirting with divorce and emotionally distant children.”….

….In October of 1978, Foster says, “I did one of those ‘born again’ things and invited Jesus to become the ‘Chairman of the Board; of my life,” a decision to which he credits all subsequent successes, including those which saw the firm grow to a $15 billion portfolio and his personal relationships restored.

Just do one of those 'born again things', emotionally distant and financially inept bidnessmen! Any accountant or tax attorney can handle the paperwork at the Evangelical church of your choice.

Foster believes that private individuals are called to carry others’ burdens–rather than relying on the government to do so. In 1997, Foster told the organizers of the Grand Teton Musical Festival he would give them $40,000 if they refused $11,000 in government funding. They took him up on his offer.

If rich idiots are going to go around paying more out of pocket than the government would pay out of their taxes, they most definitely do need some financial advice from on high.

As a top priority, Foster helps peaceful Muslims transcend the seventh-century ideology of coercion, intimidation, and violence that threatens us and them.

“This is the most threatening movement in the world today,” says Foster. “In fact, due to the growing numbers of teenage and pre-adolescent Muslims that are being recruited and trained in its anti-American ideology on a daily and weekly basis, this threat to our western way of life is more powerful than Nazism or even Communism ever was in the 1900s.”

Coercion, intimidation and violence toward anyone anywhere who is the least bit Muslimy is the only sane response a White Man can have to this crisis.

Foster is also interested in “augmenting the news” to make it more informative and fair, and he is the major investor in the Daily Caller news website led by Tucker Carlson.

"I am Tucker's first and most generous Gentleman Caller!" Foster joked.

UnholyMoses April 12, 2012 at 5:58 pm

This is the most threatening movement in the world today … In fact, due to the growing numbers of teenage and pre-adolescent Americans that are being recruited and trained in its profits-uber-alles ideology on a daily and weekly basis, this threat to our democratic way of life and trend toward oligarchy (thanks to the political spending of insanely rich and clinically insane wingnuts) is more powerful than Nazism or even Communism ever was in the 1900s.

Fixed to reflect what is, in reality, the bigger threat to our nation.

Chet Kincaid April 12, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Mr. Friess concluded, "Money is God, and God is Money. His Holy Liquidity moves in and through everything I do."

Toomush_Infer April 12, 2012 at 8:45 pm

So, did his kids talk to him after he made all that money?….

Chet Kincaid April 12, 2012 at 9:05 pm

"Why yes, they got mighty fucking chatty, I'll tell you!"

ph7 April 12, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Dems need to do a better job of recruiting crazy billionaires.

GeorgiaBurning April 12, 2012 at 5:58 pm

You go to war with the crazy billionaires you have, not the crazy billionaires you might want. It's fun to watch Soros make the republitards squirm

UnholyMoses April 12, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Now … just imagine if some liberal had said this in, say, 2004, about Emperor C+ Augustus …

Groupshrug April 12, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Has anyone scoring at home kept track of how many threats against Obama have been broadcast on Faux News now?

glamourdammerung April 12, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Too bad that sending the Secret Service over is not possible because it would make the Party of Limbaugh cry.

Not_So_Much April 12, 2012 at 6:10 pm

He needs to keep an aspirin between his lips.

C_R_Eature April 12, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Hi, there, Foster! One of my neighbors uses a quaint old Anglo-Saxon phrase, quite often, to good effect. It goes something like this:

"Go Fuck Yourself."

glamourdammerung April 12, 2012 at 6:24 pm

In fairness, this stupidity is less offensive than the race baiting he sponsors over at "Daily Caller".

heathenette April 12, 2012 at 6:36 pm

I’m sure someone else has mentioned this before, but every time I see this guy’s name I think “Foster Freeze”, which makes me want a chocolate milkshake or hot fudge sundae. And then I can’t pay attention to anything else in that article. MMM…chocolate ice cream…MMM….

mavenmaven April 12, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Its OK, you know, Stand Your Ground and all that.

Toomush_Infer April 12, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Maybe he should try Hold Your Water….

Aridzona April 12, 2012 at 7:07 pm

There is nothing written that says only smart people can have all the money.

donner_froh April 12, 2012 at 7:39 pm

HI, I'm Foster Freiss. I'm rich and stupid. The Supreme Court says I get to chose the next president. What a great country!

Negropolis April 12, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Truly, Real America is the best America. Stay klassy, Real America.

For the love of god, you fuckers keep on migrating to Texas and Arizona so that we can finally split you off and let you god-fearin', gun-totin' bastards deal with the narcos when they annex your asses.

Negropolis April 12, 2012 at 10:50 pm

You know, in my day, birth control was when folks like Foster had a bullet put between their (fill in the blank)…

And, no, the answer is not "Hitler".

comrad_darkness April 12, 2012 at 11:06 pm

Put that aspirin between your eyes so we can use it as a target, you doddering old fart. I mean of course a target for the knees of the lovely ladies of Wonkette. Of course.

ttommyunger April 14, 2012 at 9:57 am

Yesterday, today and tomorrow: empty wagons always make the most noise.

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