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[Robert] Caro has learned about Johnson’s rages, his ruthlessness, his lies, his bribes, his insecurities, his wheedling, his groveling, his bluster, his sycophancy, his charm, his kindness, his streak of compassion, his friends, his enemies, his girlfriends, his gofers and bagmen, his table manners, his drinking habits, even his nickname for his penis: not Johnson, but Jumbo. [NYT]

  • Barb

    George W. Bush called his "little rusty"

    • Or the mouse that roared.

      • OneDollarJuana

        I'm sure Laura calls it "maggot".

        When she can talk.

        • Barb

          Wonder if Cheney calls his "pretzel" and that's what W really choked on?

          • Isyaignert

            You're on fire girl! I've read stories about Rove being gay, then there's Jeff Gukkert Gannon the frequent WH visitor/gayforpay dude, then there's this – http://bushssecretlifein84.tripod.com/

    • Tundra Grifter

      Funny – I'm a little rusty myself…

    • Negropolis

      Knowing Bush's love of everything Tex-Mex, I bet he called it Sanchez.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Why didn't he just call it his Johnson?

    Edit: I really need to start reading more thoroughly.

  • Baconzgood

    Yeah, vill cut of your Johnson den smosh it.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Fuck your sympathy! I don't need your sympathy, man, I need my fucking Johnson!

  • CivilMcMannerly

    I call mine Cessna. It's been just sitting in the hangar for quite a while, though…

    • You might want to throttle it occasionally, just to keep the hydraulics intact.

      • OkieDokieDog

        That's killing babies!!!!1

        • Well, I prefer to think of it as relieving internal pressure but if that's what you enjoy…

  • Baconzgood

    Weird Al is what my penis is called.

    • My penis is called often, but few are chosen.

    • BornInATrailer

      Suddenly "my wife and I have enjoyed Weird Al together 10 times" gets, well, weird.

    • TheJasonAlexanderFanClub

      In that you enjoyed it frequently when you were 14, but now rarely find time for it, and when you do it's not as enjoyable and becomes quickly tiring?

  • Radio福井県

    They didn't call him el BJ for nothing.

  • He was from Texas.

    Everything's exaggerated in Texas.

  • *regards photo…*

    Nessie?!

  • You know what that rock looks like?

    • It's orange and looks like a…

      JOHN BOEHNER???

      • JustPixelz

        Perhaps not John, but a definitely a Boehner.

      • Good guess, but Boehner doesn't rock.

    • Radio福井県

      I'm seeing that Cristo underestimated the amount of latex needed for that rock cock.

      • Boy, don't I know about too little too latex….

        *hitching up jeans*

    • Chichikovovich

      Hitler?

    • JustPixelz

      It looks like it was formed when molten lava spurted to the surface, pulsing with heat, and … and … oh my.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Is it real or shopped? Cuz I am amazed it's not a major tourist attraction.

      • Isyaignert

        Srsly, I was thinking there must be a website that specializes in phallec-looking objects.

        LOL – my hubby and I were in the best city in the world – Amsterdam and we toured the Sex Museum which has thousands of phallec artifacts. When we came out, everything looked like a big dick to us, especially the red parking bollards everywhere that look like a three foot erect circumcised dick. They even have XXX on them – no chit! Hilarious!

  • OkieDokieDog

    OT but still speaking of dicks, I just mailed back my IMPORTANT SURVEY from the GOP and Chairman Prince Reallylittledick and without adding a postage stamp to further unhelp out those poor poor GOPers (ha! take that! pay for your own damn postage, assholes!).
    I feel confident that my red ink, underlines, exclamation marks and LOL's and LIARS! will be ignored like the last 3 times. It's pretty much like sending a birthday card to a little kid, or a prayer request to a televangelist – if there's no cash, check or credit card number attached, it goes right into the trash can.

    • valgal2342

      Did you forget to tie a brick to that important survey before putting it in the mail?

      • OkieDokieDog

        No brick, but I did cut up the envelope it came in & wrote they could have all their trash back because I didn't want it in my trash.

    • Fight the Power ODD.

    • sullivanst

      Still costs 'em a fair bit to have someone open the envelope and discover there's no munniez. Probably more than the postage, even.

      • You mean they don't have self-hating wimmin volunteers who will do that for free? What's this GOP coming to?

    • Generation[redacted]

      Tell them they're not rabid right wing crazy enough for yer munnies.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Rebecca – There's a recurring theme to your recent posts. Too much or not enough?

    • OzoneTom

      Yeah, that makes three so far.

      If you count that picture of a penis with glasses.

    • Take this quiz and tell us the results, Rebecca!

      • Tundra Grifter

        Do you smoke after sex?

        Have you ever looked?

    • ThundercatHo

      I don't know about her but I'm thinking about taking up rock climbing.

      • I think I'd rather take up rock-sitting, or maybe licking.

    • Callyson

      Maybe she's posting on behalf of us Wonketteers who are not getting anywhere near enough.

      • I don't understand how ladies can ever have that problem. Try adjusting your standards? [downward – we're not all Brad Pitts here.]

        • Callyson

          Can't speak for all ladies, but I seem to have the unfortunate knack for attracting Republicans. Some standards cannot be adjusted.

          • As a dude, surrounded by mostly dudes at every place I've ever worked; most of us are Republicans. It's annoying for me too, and I'm not even looking for romance.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Concupiscently absent is a photo of Pyongyang's Juche Tower, which has to win Olympic gold for most phallic monument on earth, manmade or natural.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Just a reminder, Rebecca, Tinky Winky was different from the other tubbies.

    Is it Penis day on the wonkets? Or are you just hot n bothered?

  • Extemporanus

    Any word on what his nickname was for his bunghole?

    • johnnymeatworth

      Hubert Humphrey.

      • Extemporanus

        BINGO!

        It's like we're two legs of the same extra roomy-crotched pants or something!

    • "Bunghole"?

      • Extemporanus

        How poo-etic…

    • nounverb911

      Vietnam?

      • Chichikovovich

        Probably. Because there was no light at the end of either tunnel.

      • Extemporanus

        "The First of the Ninth was an old calvary division that traded in their horses for helicopters and went tear-assin' around 'Nam looking for 'the Shit'…"

        Willard

    • His mouth?

    • kingofmeh

      "texas"?

      • Extemporanus

        "Tex-ass", perhaps?

    • littlebigdaddy

      Trudeau.

    • Negropolis

      Beaumont?

    • not that Dewey

      Shadybird?

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Okay.

  • Hera Sent Me

    Romney call his Mr. Unearned Capital Gain.

    It's larger than it should be because it has lots of lobbyists.

    • Or his Little Dividend

      Ann calls it Housework

      • Callyson

        See, Rosen was wrong–Ann Romney *has* worked a day in her life. Five of them, to be exact.

        • Is laying on your back and closing your eyes "work"?

          • LionHeartSoyDog

            Labor is Work.

          • Callyson

            Depends on who you're with. For Mittens, while I'll admit he's not bad looking for a Republican, I'd guess it's work…

          • Lie back and think of Switzerland?

      • OneDollarJuana

        It's important to note that Ann loves to ride her horses. Probably the reason why Mitt keeps running for Pres, in order to boost his ego, or maybe to hook up with one of Newt's cast-offs.

  • OzoneTom

    If he'd named it "Dumbo" it could've lifted itself-up by the ears.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    "Jumbo" may be what he called his penis, but Ladybird begs to differ.

    • Extemporanus

      Ladybird gets "The Worm"?

  • ChernobylSoup

    I always knew geology was a pervert.

    • Yep, it's how the world gets its rocks off.

    • Not only that, it's constantly hard.

      • Chichikovovich

        And lubed.

      • RedneckMuslin

        Seek medical help if it lasts longer than 4 hours.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Today is all dick pics and newt stories. Coincidence?

  • nounverb911

    Everything is bigger in Texas.

  • RichinFla

    Ummm, Madam Editrix seems phocused on the Phallic today.
    Anything you want to share with us today??

  • Baconzgood

    I always wondered if the women folk named the na-nas? I know that the lil' lady has names for her breastistes.

    • Barb

      "Miss Mookie" and "sweater puffs"

      • That's adorable! Call Nickelodeon! "Miss Mookie and The Sweater Puffs" is the next "Hello Kitty!"

        • I see what you do there.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Or, an alias name for a band consisting of cool kids that solve crimes, drive around in a mod-van and have a big semi-talking dog.

    • I know that the lil' lady has names for her breastistes

      "Pop" and "Tart" — right?

    • Chichikovovich

      Left-wing Juggernauts?

      • Baconzgood

        Rock-em & Sock-em

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      My breasts are affectionately known as "The Twins." Never named my nethers. In the polite South, it's just known as "down there." A lady may own a vagina, but it's just not necessary to acknowledge that fact to the extent that a name would be required. Pass the sweet tea, dear.

      • A lady may own a vagina

        That's unpossible in red states.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Old girlfriend of my used to just call it her "Nah-nah." I thought that was kind of cute, and then I made her a Nah-nah mix CD with songs that had the lyrics "nah nah" somewhere in them. There's a lot out there.
      Hey Jude
      Land of a Thousand Dances
      Na Na Hey Hey (Kiss him goodbye)
      Shooting Star
      Nobody's Fault but Mine (technically not "nah nah" but sounds close)
      The list goes on…

      • NahNahs With Attitude?

      • Barb

        Bristol calls her na-na "Jumbo", just like LBJ

        • Levi called it IHOP.

          I hop in, I hop out.

          • Barb

            IHOP is good. I'm sure the bitch smells like the sink at the Waffle House.

          • That would be Mitt's name for Ann's cooch

        • "The Tent"

          • Cuz it flaps in a stiff breeze?

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Sometimes a cigar is just a …. Oh, forget it. BALLS!

  • Goonemeritus

    My son nicknamed his “The Mayor” when he was 5 years old. I have no idea where he got that but I couldn’t have been more proud at the time.

    • Baconzgood

      Since were talking dick stories. I was in the shower with my 4 year old at the swimming pool cleaning off. He pointed at my wedding tackle and said "You have a big penis daddy". (Since he has yet to hit puberty and I am way passed it you can see why he would say somthing innocent enough.) I laughed and jokingly told him "next time you see a pretty girl tell them that."
      About 3 weeks later we were waiting for a bus near a college campus and there was this cute 19 year old co-ed waiting for the bus as well. My son walked over to her and said, matter-of-factly, "My daddy has a big penis". I grabbed him and said to her "kids say the darndest things". I can't tell you who's face was redder, her's or mine, but I can tell you that my son got a double scoop ice cream cone an hour later with an "atta boy".

      • Callyson

        And I always used to think that men with kids were safe…LOL…

      • I would have tipped him $5 in front of her and got her number.

        • Baconzgood

          I haven't felt prouder of him since.

      • OneDollarJuana

        You're lucky she didn't call Child Protective Services.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    OT

    Diane Sawyer on Thursday tweeted that she will sit down with Mitt and Ann Romney on Monday. “What’s your big question?” she asked followers.

    Uggswell P. Gravel
    Who is Diane "Not Deep Throat" Sawyer?

    http://livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com/entries/dia

  • Lascauxcaveman

    When I was a drummer: Rhythm Stick
    When I was a bassist: Long Neck

    Now that I'm just a boring, ordinary caveman: Spelunker

  • You doesn't have to call it Johnson….

    • Just don't call it "Junior"

      Penii are people too, my friend!

  • Goonemeritus

    Rebecca I must say for someone whose life ambition was to write a mommy blog your collection of naturally occurring giant phallic pictures is more than impressive.

  • nounverb911

    What does Callista call Newt's?

    • An_Outhouse

      late for dinner?

    • V572 Fehrnstrom

      "Get that thing away from my 'face'! By which she means "hair."

      So: it's "That Thing."

    • SayItWithWookies

      Marginal Rate — because under Newt it's too small to be seen.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Sugardaddy?

    • Nostrildamus

      Tater tot.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      "The ATM"

    • "Done"

    • CthuNHu

      She doesn't actually call it anything.

      She just closes her eyes and thinks of Tiffany's.

  • Limeylizzie

    MrLimeylizzie calls his the Log of Justice.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Which makes you the Log Lady?
      [Long live "Twin Peaks!"]

    • V572 Fehrnstrom

      Mailer called his "the Golden Avenger." This is why Mailer was a brilliant writer.

    • Is it some kind of divining rod, discerning Truth from Error?

    • Oh now I see what MLK must've meant when quoting the Book of Amos — "Let Justice roll like a mighty… log."

      • Limeylizzie

        Maybe I should re-name it 'Amos” and then my vagina could be “Andy”?

        • Maybe I should re-name it 'Amos"

          Make it "Famous Amos" and you just might convince him!

  • Antispandex

    Haven't named mine yet. Let's see…..Mitt? He's a big prick. Ok, Mitt it is!

  • An_Outhouse

    I call my johnson Lyndon B.

  • Barb

    All rise!

    • Limeylizzie

      That's correct!

  • IncenseDebate

    No wonder he could never get it out of Vietnam.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Gets a might lonesome on the south forty, eh Tex?

  • V572 Fehrnstrom

    Speaking of hardons, Caro has a lifelong one against LBJ…not sure why exactly. but if you look at the score, you see that under Johnson you got the Civil Rights Acts of 1964 and 1965, Medicare, the Great Society, Head Start, and Medicaid. Caro's first LBJ book made him seem like an unalloyed monster.

    "To be sure," has they say in high-class birdcage liners like the NYT, there was also Vietnam…

    • Exactly. I was a step behind…
      ~

    • Radio福井県

      Not so sure V. I rather enjoyed The Path to Power, Means of Ascent and Master of the Senate. (Before I found the Wonketz, I read a lot more.) I think Caro was rather even handed with LBJ. He was a very complex character, to say the least, and it shows how careful we have to be in evaluating politicians. The things you mentioned will be discussed in Vol. IV, but having read the previous three I can understand how this multi-faceted character could even conceive of these monuments to progressivism.
      Y también, The Power Broker.

      • V572 Fehrnstrom

        This being Wonkette on the Internet, I didn't let the fact that I only read the first one as serialized in the New Yorker deter me. Johnson wasn't lovable, but he sure did an astonishing amount of good stuff, much of it not in character with his TX background.

        • Radio福井県

          I would agree that Caro was toughest on LBJ in that first tome. LBJ mellowed a bit as he aged. It's hard to think of anyone else who could have snuck the Civil Rights Act through.

          • V572 Fehrnstrom

            Nixon: China :: LBJ: civil rights

            Man I enjoy our Wonkette Book Club meetings!

    • jaytingle

      And he inadvertently elevated KBR from a regional paving company who greased most every TX lawmaker to a world-class military-industrial contractor at which point they were bought by Halliburton.

    • After reading the first two volumes of the Johnson biography I didn't think that Caro hated LBJ. I thought he was a whiny bitch but a tremendously talented writer in 100 to 150 page chunks. Large parts of The Path to Power and The Power Broker (his biography of Robert Moses) are as good as nonfiction writing in postwar Amerikkka.

      • V572 Fehrnstrom

        The Power Broker was awesome, real education in class, money, land use and redevelopment theory.

        • Wile E. Quixote

          Any time someone wonders why American cities are fucked up the way they are I point them towards The Power Broker.. I do the same for anyone who is reading The Death and Life of Great American Cities by telling them that The Power Broker is about the asshole who created the policies that Jane Jacobs wrote the book about.

  • Yep.

    As we sank deeper into Vietnam, the big fool said to push on.

    But the Civil Rights Act of 1964, and Medicare?

    You can thank Lyndon Johnson.
    ~

    • V572 Fehrnstrom

      Ha ha, saw that Smothers Brothers moment live in the teevee room of my college dorm. Jaw-dropping.

      Like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkNxkIoG254

    • Maybe LBJ was listening to the generals on the ground. Someone might want to point that out to Mitt Romney.

      Oh, hell, why bother.

  • Callyson

    Snark off…

    That fucker. If he had really been jumbo, he would have had the cojones to GTFO in Vietnam, and the Great Society would have stood a chance…

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    How come every time I look at that picture I see santorum impaled on it?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      It should be bigger than, right?

  • RedneckMuslin

    As he probed Lady Bird's Lay-Bay-Jay.

    • I think he only did that a couple of time. And because she had money.

    • You deserved way more pee-points for that comment.

  • GOPCrusher

    I call mine The Heat Seeking Moisture Missile, but it's been awhile since gotten to sink the pink.
    :-(

  • barto

    But what did his penis call him? Dickhead?

  • CindynEncinitas

    This rock is in Kodachrome Canyon in Utah. For some unknown reason, this picture approximates the one on the flyer advertising the junior rangers program. What are they trying to tell the kids? Be a junior ranger and get a ginormous winkie? WTF??? Astonishing.

  • "You participated in a phallus naming?"

    • "Pack up your rape culture and take a hike!"

      I've seen that movie an unbelievable amount of times. It's what made me want to go to a George Clinton concert (which are awesome).

  • Roosevelt: "Longfellow"
    Truman: "Buck"
    Ike: "Mike"
    Kennedy: "The Thinker"
    Johnson: "Longhorn"
    Nixon: "Trickster"
    Ford: "The Washington Monument"
    Carter: "Mr. Peanut"
    Reagan: "Mommy's Helper"
    HW: "Mr. Mojo"
    Clinton: "Lil Trooper"
    W: "POTUS"
    Obama: "Hopey"

    • I thought Bush called his Cheney.

      (that works on so many levels, it's staggering…)

    • JerkCade

      Taft: "where'd I leave that thing?"

      • Angry_Marmot

        Taft used to tell the hookers to roll him in flour and go for the wet spot.

    • JerkCade

      Washington: "woody"
      Lincoln: "the stovepipe"
      T. Roosevelt: wait for it . . . "Rough Rider"
      Millard Filmore: just "fill more"

      this is fun. help me out

      • Van Buren: Just for Men

        • Angry_Marmot

          I thought that was Buchanan.

  • I call mine "Funky" because I'm always trying to get it to get down.

  • ph7

    Both Kennedy and Johnson's heads were renown for exploding in grassy knolls.

  • Lucidamente1

    I believe Spiro Agnew called his "No contest."

    • not that Dewey

      Spattering Spermbob of Smegmatism, or Pusillanimous Pussyfooter

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Well, who doesn't?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    My old Jewish girlfriend called mine the Kosher Porksword.

    • When I dated an Orthodox, she called mine "Samson's pillar"

      Of course, I had hair back then….

      OH SNAP! IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED????

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Old Jews make the best girlfriends.

  • So it's Natural Formations That Look Like Giant Cocks Day on Wonkette, eh?

    • Cactus Man will pop up any post now!

    • Perhaps our Editrix will recycle these photogs on Cocktober 11th of this year when we celebrate the 21st anniversary of Anita Hill telling us about Justice Clarence Thomas' love affair with Long Dong Silver.

    • Ms. Schoenkopf can't possible have a more impressive collection of phallus-like images than Colby Keller. Plus he does gay porn. He's my hero.

  • niblick77

    And it grew up to go to college and be named Rick Perry! (I win, please send me all your money, now!)

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Jumbo, go away
    Jumbo, go away
    Jumbo leave me alone
    Get your head off my bone
    I wanna go home
    ("I'm hungry")

    Jumbo lighten up
    Jumbo lighten up
    Jumbo give me a break
    Lighten up on my snake
    That's all I can take

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Ah ha! So that's way Lady Bird liked Blue Bonnets!! Mrs. Wildflowers, indeed.

  • thefrontpage

    Johnson wasn't the only one. According to Caro's extenstive, 450-page biography of Larry Craig, "Wide Stance Nation," at least 394 other people in Washington called their Johnsons "Jumbo." "In fact, that word, 'jumbo,' was used as a secret bathroom stall code in D.C. for decades," Craig said, according to Caro. "It's a fun word to say."

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Well, it is a word that is hard to say with a straight face.

  • widestanceromance

    Of all days for me to have no time for commenting, this would be it. Damn it!

    BTW, I call mine, The Voyager.

    • Angry_Marmot

      It travels by canoe, hoping to poke her hontas?

      • widestanceromance

        Not with my wide stance. ;)

        It's because most can only take seven of the nine (as if).

  • Angry_Marmot

    Mine became "Dumbo" about the third time I woke up in a tree with people laughing at me.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    I don't call mine anything, because it never listens anyway.

    I had a girlfriend who called it "Mr. Ed" for some reason.

  • LBJ's Jumbo alone had more political acumen than every dick in today's Congress combined.

  • C_R_Eature

    That looks just like a Telefunken U-47.

  • C_R_Eature

    "If I were President there'd be a Johnson Day, make everybody get on their knees and pray for Mr. Johnson and the Juice Crew."

  • notgross

    The folks at Tufts are not impressed.

  • she_dog

    I read that book! I knew all about his penis! Already! Does that make me weird?

  • ttommyunger

    "Lyndon B. Johnson Called His Penis ‘Jumbo’." J. Edgar Hoover, however, called it "the other white meat".

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