i call mine late for dinner

Lyndon B. Johnson Called His Penis ‘Jumbo’

Ba Rock

[Robert] Caro has learned about Johnson’s rages, his ruthlessness, his lies, his bribes, his insecurities, his wheedling, his groveling, his bluster, his sycophancy, his charm, his kindness, his streak of compassion, his friends, his enemies, his girlfriends, his gofers and bagmen, his table manners, his drinking habits, even his nickname for his penis: not Johnson, but Jumbo. [NYT]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Why didn't he just call it his Johnson?

    Edit: I really need to start reading more thoroughly.

  2. CivilMcMannerly

    I call mine Cessna. It's been just sitting in the hangar for quite a while, though…

    1. BornInATrailer

      Suddenly "my wife and I have enjoyed Weird Al together 10 times" gets, well, weird.

    2. TheJasonAlexanderFanClub

      In that you enjoyed it frequently when you were 14, but now rarely find time for it, and when you do it's not as enjoyable and becomes quickly tiring?

    1. Radio福井県

      I'm seeing that Cristo underestimated the amount of latex needed for that rock cock.

    2. JustPixelz

      It looks like it was formed when molten lava spurted to the surface, pulsing with heat, and … and … oh my.

      1. Isyaignert

        Srsly, I was thinking there must be a website that specializes in phallec-looking objects.

        LOL – my hubby and I were in the best city in the world – Amsterdam and we toured the Sex Museum which has thousands of phallec artifacts. When we came out, everything looked like a big dick to us, especially the red parking bollards everywhere that look like a three foot erect circumcised dick. They even have XXX on them – no chit! Hilarious!

  3. OkieDokieDog

    OT but still speaking of dicks, I just mailed back my IMPORTANT SURVEY from the GOP and Chairman Prince Reallylittledick and without adding a postage stamp to further unhelp out those poor poor GOPers (ha! take that! pay for your own damn postage, assholes!).
    I feel confident that my red ink, underlines, exclamation marks and LOL's and LIARS! will be ignored like the last 3 times. It's pretty much like sending a birthday card to a little kid, or a prayer request to a televangelist – if there's no cash, check or credit card number attached, it goes right into the trash can.

      1. OkieDokieDog

        No brick, but I did cut up the envelope it came in & wrote they could have all their trash back because I didn't want it in my trash.

    1. sullivanst

      Still costs 'em a fair bit to have someone open the envelope and discover there's no munniez. Probably more than the postage, even.

  4. Tundra Grifter

    Rebecca – There's a recurring theme to your recent posts. Too much or not enough?

    1. Callyson

      Maybe she's posting on behalf of us Wonketteers who are not getting anywhere near enough.

        1. Callyson

          Can't speak for all ladies, but I seem to have the unfortunate knack for attracting Republicans. Some standards cannot be adjusted.

          1. Designer_Rants

            As a dude, surrounded by mostly dudes at every place I've ever worked; most of us are Republicans. It's annoying for me too, and I'm not even looking for romance.

    2. OneYieldRegular

      Concupiscently absent is a photo of Pyongyang's Juche Tower, which has to win Olympic gold for most phallic monument on earth, manmade or natural.

  5. WhatTheHeck

    Just a reminder, Rebecca, Tinky Winky was different from the other tubbies.

    Is it Penis day on the wonkets? Or are you just hot n bothered?

      1. Extemporanus

        "The First of the Ninth was an old calvary division that traded in their horses for helicopters and went tear-assin' around 'Nam looking for 'the Shit'…"


  6. Hera Sent Me

    Romney call his Mr. Unearned Capital Gain.

    It's larger than it should be because it has lots of lobbyists.

      1. Callyson

        See, Rosen was wrong–Ann Romney *has* worked a day in her life. Five of them, to be exact.

          1. Callyson

            Depends on who you're with. For Mittens, while I'll admit he's not bad looking for a Republican, I'd guess it's work…

      2. OneDollarJuana

        It's important to note that Ann loves to ride her horses. Probably the reason why Mitt keeps running for Pres, in order to boost his ego, or maybe to hook up with one of Newt's cast-offs.

  7. RichinFla

    Ummm, Madam Editrix seems phocused on the Phallic today.
    Anything you want to share with us today??

  8. Baconzgood

    I always wondered if the women folk named the na-nas? I know that the lil' lady has names for her breastistes.

        1. Jus_Wonderin

          Or, an alias name for a band consisting of cool kids that solve crimes, drive around in a mod-van and have a big semi-talking dog.

    1. CogitoErgoBibo

      My breasts are affectionately known as "The Twins." Never named my nethers. In the polite South, it's just known as "down there." A lady may own a vagina, but it's just not necessary to acknowledge that fact to the extent that a name would be required. Pass the sweet tea, dear.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      Old girlfriend of my used to just call it her "Nah-nah." I thought that was kind of cute, and then I made her a Nah-nah mix CD with songs that had the lyrics "nah nah" somewhere in them. There's a lot out there.
      Hey Jude
      Land of a Thousand Dances
      Na Na Hey Hey (Kiss him goodbye)
      Shooting Star
      Nobody's Fault but Mine (technically not "nah nah" but sounds close)
      The list goes on…

  9. Goonemeritus

    My son nicknamed his “The Mayor” when he was 5 years old. I have no idea where he got that but I couldn’t have been more proud at the time.

    1. Baconzgood

      Since were talking dick stories. I was in the shower with my 4 year old at the swimming pool cleaning off. He pointed at my wedding tackle and said "You have a big penis daddy". (Since he has yet to hit puberty and I am way passed it you can see why he would say somthing innocent enough.) I laughed and jokingly told him "next time you see a pretty girl tell them that."
      About 3 weeks later we were waiting for a bus near a college campus and there was this cute 19 year old co-ed waiting for the bus as well. My son walked over to her and said, matter-of-factly, "My daddy has a big penis". I grabbed him and said to her "kids say the darndest things". I can't tell you who's face was redder, her's or mine, but I can tell you that my son got a double scoop ice cream cone an hour later with an "atta boy".

  10. Lascauxcaveman

    When I was a drummer: Rhythm Stick
    When I was a bassist: Long Neck

    Now that I'm just a boring, ordinary caveman: Spelunker

  11. Goonemeritus

    Rebecca I must say for someone whose life ambition was to write a mommy blog your collection of naturally occurring giant phallic pictures is more than impressive.

    1. V572 Fehrnstrom

      "Get that thing away from my 'face'! By which she means "hair."

      So: it's "That Thing."

    1. V572 Fehrnstrom

      Mailer called his "the Golden Avenger." This is why Mailer was a brilliant writer.

  12. V572 Fehrnstrom

    Speaking of hardons, Caro has a lifelong one against LBJ…not sure why exactly. but if you look at the score, you see that under Johnson you got the Civil Rights Acts of 1964 and 1965, Medicare, the Great Society, Head Start, and Medicaid. Caro's first LBJ book made him seem like an unalloyed monster.

    "To be sure," has they say in high-class birdcage liners like the NYT, there was also Vietnam…

    1. Radio福井県

      Not so sure V. I rather enjoyed The Path to Power, Means of Ascent and Master of the Senate. (Before I found the Wonketz, I read a lot more.) I think Caro was rather even handed with LBJ. He was a very complex character, to say the least, and it shows how careful we have to be in evaluating politicians. The things you mentioned will be discussed in Vol. IV, but having read the previous three I can understand how this multi-faceted character could even conceive of these monuments to progressivism.
      Y también, The Power Broker.

      1. V572 Fehrnstrom

        This being Wonkette on the Internet, I didn't let the fact that I only read the first one as serialized in the New Yorker deter me. Johnson wasn't lovable, but he sure did an astonishing amount of good stuff, much of it not in character with his TX background.

        1. Radio福井県

          I would agree that Caro was toughest on LBJ in that first tome. LBJ mellowed a bit as he aged. It's hard to think of anyone else who could have snuck the Civil Rights Act through.

    2. jaytingle

      And he inadvertently elevated KBR from a regional paving company who greased most every TX lawmaker to a world-class military-industrial contractor at which point they were bought by Halliburton.

    3. donner_froh

      After reading the first two volumes of the Johnson biography I didn't think that Caro hated LBJ. I thought he was a whiny bitch but a tremendously talented writer in 100 to 150 page chunks. Large parts of The Path to Power and The Power Broker (his biography of Robert Moses) are as good as nonfiction writing in postwar Amerikkka.

      1. V572 Fehrnstrom

        The Power Broker was awesome, real education in class, money, land use and redevelopment theory.

        1. Wile E. Quixote

          Any time someone wonders why American cities are fucked up the way they are I point them towards The Power Broker.. I do the same for anyone who is reading The Death and Life of Great American Cities by telling them that The Power Broker is about the asshole who created the policies that Jane Jacobs wrote the book about.

  13. Callyson

    Snark off…

    That fucker. If he had really been jumbo, he would have had the cojones to GTFO in Vietnam, and the Great Society would have stood a chance…

  14. GOPCrusher

    I call mine The Heat Seeking Moisture Missile, but it's been awhile since gotten to sink the pink.

  15. CindynEncinitas

    This rock is in Kodachrome Canyon in Utah. For some unknown reason, this picture approximates the one on the flyer advertising the junior rangers program. What are they trying to tell the kids? Be a junior ranger and get a ginormous winkie? WTF??? Astonishing.

    1. Designer_Rants

      "Pack up your rape culture and take a hike!"

      I've seen that movie an unbelievable amount of times. It's what made me want to go to a George Clinton concert (which are awesome).

  16. Chet Kincaid

    Roosevelt: "Longfellow"
    Truman: "Buck"
    Ike: "Mike"
    Kennedy: "The Thinker"
    Johnson: "Longhorn"
    Nixon: "Trickster"
    Ford: "The Washington Monument"
    Carter: "Mr. Peanut"
    Reagan: "Mommy's Helper"
    HW: "Mr. Mojo"
    Clinton: "Lil Trooper"
    W: "POTUS"
    Obama: "Hopey"

    1. JerkCade

      Washington: "woody"
      Lincoln: "the stovepipe"
      T. Roosevelt: wait for it . . . "Rough Rider"
      Millard Filmore: just "fill more"

      this is fun. help me out

    1. actor212

      When I dated an Orthodox, she called mine "Samson's pillar"

      Of course, I had hair back then….


  17. niblick77

    And it grew up to go to college and be named Rick Perry! (I win, please send me all your money, now!)

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    Jumbo, go away
    Jumbo, go away
    Jumbo leave me alone
    Get your head off my bone
    I wanna go home
    ("I'm hungry")

    Jumbo lighten up
    Jumbo lighten up
    Jumbo give me a break
    Lighten up on my snake
    That's all I can take

  19. thefrontpage

    Johnson wasn't the only one. According to Caro's extenstive, 450-page biography of Larry Craig, "Wide Stance Nation," at least 394 other people in Washington called their Johnsons "Jumbo." "In fact, that word, 'jumbo,' was used as a secret bathroom stall code in D.C. for decades," Craig said, according to Caro. "It's a fun word to say."

  20. widestanceromance

    Of all days for me to have no time for commenting, this would be it. Damn it!

    BTW, I call mine, The Voyager.

      1. widestanceromance

        Not with my wide stance. ;)

        It's because most can only take seven of the nine (as if).

  21. Angry_Marmot

    Mine became "Dumbo" about the third time I woke up in a tree with people laughing at me.

  22. Doktor StrangeZoom

    I don't call mine anything, because it never listens anyway.

    I had a girlfriend who called it "Mr. Ed" for some reason.

  23. ttommyunger

    "Lyndon B. Johnson Called His Penis ‘Jumbo’." J. Edgar Hoover, however, called it "the other white meat".

Comments are closed.