FILMED BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE  7:30 pm April 12, 2012

New Mexico Cop Has Explosive Situation On His Hands (VIDEO)

by Erik Jay

Doesn't anyone knock?Sergeant Mike Eiskant, a Santa Fe police officer, was caught utilizing his inch high private eye while on duty. Luckily for him, he will be able to put it behind him once the video stops going viral. Officer Eiskant is a private man, which is why he chose a marked police car with a dash cam. Although the dash cam was pointed in another direction, the audio is clear. Almost a dozen hours of the video was obtained, but only a sample of audio was released.

Seargant Eiskant is actually for real badge #69. He is considered to be armed and relaxed. His dedication to masturbation in public and being a police officer has caused him recognition in the past according to former officer Shannon Brady. The former officer recalls his bad reputation as a stalker of women and a ‘creeper’. Brady claims to have been harassed by Sgt. Eikant and even filed a complaint with Human Resources. Nothing seems to have come of the complaint other than having been used as a napkin during Officer Eikant’s ‘lunch hour’.

Wonkette has gathered enough masturbation resources over the years and was able to reconstruct the missing transcripts:

“Well, hello there lil’ fella! Where did you come from? Are you here on business or pleasure? Both? Have you seen this picture of ‘Anyone but my wife’? She’s perfect. She is two-dimensional, doesn’t speak and doesn’t cry when I pepper spray her with my love gun. She’s a naughty girl too. I can tell by looking at her she is a protestor at a college somewhere. Probably an ivy league one. I better assume the position. She could be dangerous. Holy racial profiling! I got ya right in the hoodie, momma!”

Another day revealed a softer and tender side to our whack job officer:

“Ten four. I’m going on break. My ’20′ is a parking lot in plain view of lots of people with good eyesight. Over! Wow. It’s just you and me again. I like it this way actually. I know I scare a lot of people with my uniform and that feels good, but you don’t have to tuck yourself away like that. Come here you! Why does everyone hide from me when I remove my pants? I’m just a normal person like everyone else. I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else and remove them in a parked car to masturbate in public while on the clock like everyone does. I really miss my mom.”

Finally, Wonkette reveals what happened when he finally realized that everything he had been doing was recorded:

“Okay, Jerry. You go around back to investigate and I will drive the block to get a visual on the perp. [Jerry jumps out of the car] Jesus Christ I thought he was never going to leave. I have never wanted to fuck my partner and waste him at the same time like I do now. This is a different feeling. Why do I have feelings of wanting to violate Jerry’s puckered sanctity when I have labeled myself a heterosexual male with masculine feelings? I know! I haven’t violated anyone’s rights in days! Where is a Mexican when you need one? I better park somewhere that allows everyone to see me and think about this. What to do…Yes, Jerry! Come in. [Officer Jerry: Are you jerking off in the squad car again? Everyone knows, dude. You have been on tape ever since you started your ‘beat brigade’.]

The fun has only started for Sergeant Eiskant. As a result of his actions, he has found himself entering a no contest plea in Bernalillo County District Court for other issues along with being too sexy for his pants. The no contest pleas were for two counts of attempt to commit a felony for false imprisonment, one count of stalking, two counts of harassment and charges for larceny and possession of marijuana. As part of his plea deal Attorney General Gary King’s office said that Eiskant promised he “will never again become a law enforcement officer anywhere in the United States.” Little did Attorney General know Gary King know Eiskant had his fingers crossed when he promised. That’s because his hands were in his pants at the time he made the promise. [JDJournal]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 150 comments }

nounverb911 April 12, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Our editrix certainly has something on her mind today. I wonder what it is.

Designer_Rants April 12, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Is it Spring yet? I do believe she's twitterpated. [been watching Bambi with the kids lately].

Doktor StrangeZoom April 12, 2012 at 7:41 pm

You have the right to remain a laughingstock.

nounverb911 April 12, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Speaking of big phalluses, North Korea seems to have launched it's manhood into space today.

Texan_Bulldog April 12, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Doesn't matter. Some obscure Democratic strategist called Ann Romney a worthless lay about. Priorities, people!!!1!!

Toomush_Infer April 12, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Yeah, but….oops….(according to recent reports, it went bang…..prematurely…)

MrsBiggTime April 13, 2012 at 8:38 am

Ejaculated over much of the South China Sea.

GeorgiaBurning April 12, 2012 at 8:37 pm

It only lasted a minute, you can't really call it "manhood"

Negropolis April 12, 2012 at 9:54 pm

After what happened to it, it could have used some space viagra.

Preacher_Griz April 12, 2012 at 7:43 pm

What someone does in the privacy of there own police car or preacher house is NOT A BODY's business!!!

Jukesgrrl April 12, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Unless it results in 19 children, Rev. Duggar.

johnnymeatworth April 12, 2012 at 7:43 pm

And here I thought dicks hated the police….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpcvIHf3uhA

But seriously, he should save target practice for the shooting range….

Radio福井県 April 12, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Oh My Gadi, he watched twelve hours of that!!1!
Personally I find this very easy to vomit to.

OC_Surf_Serf April 12, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Can't even think about what the fuck did he do with the donuts…

Neoyorquino April 12, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Glazed donut joke goes here.

Toomush_Infer April 12, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Ringtoss!…

C_R_Eature April 12, 2012 at 8:28 pm

Rolling. Flying Fuck at.

Warwhatgoodfor April 12, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Hell, the local Krispy Creme hired him to put the holes in their special "come as you go" donuts.

bagofmice April 13, 2012 at 6:28 am

Aziz Ansari has a good joke about that.

elfgoldsackring April 12, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Sergeant "I's can't keep mah hands off it".

Doktor StrangeZoom April 12, 2012 at 7:45 pm

COP COPS FEEL: News at eleven.

OC_Surf_Serf April 12, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Fapping Fuzz
Cop Custard
Pulled Pork
Coppers with Poppers
Sargent Stroke M Offer
Cop on the Beat…Off

deelzebub April 12, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Pulled pork…now you've ruined my plan to have the Friday daily special for lunch tomorrow.

chascates April 12, 2012 at 7:46 pm

To protect and to serve. One's 'Little Lawman'!

Texan_Bulldog April 12, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Chief Wiggum would NOT approve.

AlterNewt April 12, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Hey, you can get ARRESTED for that.

donner_froh April 12, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Just another beat cop.

DailyGrumbles April 12, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Johnny Law…working the Beat.

rambone April 12, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Eiskant? Apparently he didz!

ManchuCandidate April 12, 2012 at 7:49 pm

It's no laughing matter. He's a member of the SWAT Team… aka Special Wanking and Tissues.

Neoyorquino April 12, 2012 at 7:50 pm

When asked if he would retain legal counsel to respond to the charges, Sergeant Eiskant said that, no, he would represent himself, stating "I'll be pulling this off by myself."

deelzebub April 12, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Pro Se something naughty, preferably right in his ear in a breathy voice

Doktor StrangeZoom April 12, 2012 at 7:50 pm

He always wanted a career in Law Engorgement

C_R_Eature April 12, 2012 at 8:27 pm

Too bad he's got PTSD: Penis Tumescence Satisfaction Disorder.

donner_froh April 12, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Another police choking incident caught on tape.

CogitoErgoBibo April 12, 2012 at 7:51 pm

I know that I'm often paid for doing "work" when I'm actually just dicking around, but in my case it's a metaphor. That, and I don't have a dick.

CthuNHu April 12, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Welcome to Wonkette, Senator Hatch.

Blueb4sunrise April 12, 2012 at 7:52 pm

It's because of Georgia O'Keeffe I tells ya. http://www.curatedmag.com/news/wp-content/uploads

Jukesgrrl April 12, 2012 at 8:07 pm

P for spelling her name correctly.

Blueb4sunrise April 12, 2012 at 8:15 pm

It's a SW thang.

nounverb911 April 12, 2012 at 7:52 pm

Needs more Dick Tracey.

Barb April 12, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Meh, I live in New Mexico and all the police are jerk offs.

nounverb911 April 12, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Even Sam McCloud?

Karma_Suture April 12, 2012 at 11:09 pm

I live in NM too and they are and the asshole city commissioners are right up there with them.

Sharkey April 12, 2012 at 7:56 pm

It's things like this that give marijuana a bad name.

Radio福井県 April 12, 2012 at 7:58 pm

I hope tomorrow is Vajayjay Day.

Blueb4sunrise April 12, 2012 at 8:00 pm

I can imagine the MSNBC producers scrambling to find a time slot for a new show.

Jukesgrrl April 12, 2012 at 8:09 pm

I can't wait to hear Rachel's Friday night promo.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 12, 2012 at 8:01 pm

To Protect and Skeeve

C_R_Eature April 12, 2012 at 8:02 pm

His parents must be proud.

Dad: "This is my son, Mike, a Santa Fe police Sergeant…"
Mom: "… and a Public Masturbator!"

Callyson April 12, 2012 at 8:04 pm

If more cops masturbated while on the job, we'd have a lot fewer issues with police brutality. Just sayin'…

Doktor StrangeZoom April 12, 2012 at 8:06 pm

The long sticky fingers of the law

emmelemm April 12, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Ew.

Sharkey April 12, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Wild wild horses
couldn't tear them apart

Designer_Rants April 12, 2012 at 8:07 pm

Mm, yep. Definitely "Dick Day" on Wonkette. That's okay, better than the last 3 months of "State Sponsored Rape & Forced Vaginal Wandings" days.

HistoriCat April 12, 2012 at 9:10 pm

I was thinking "Cocktober in April" but "Dick Day" sums it up perfectly.

flamingpdog April 12, 2012 at 11:01 pm

Maybe that's why I dreamt this morning that I had sexual intercourse with Mitt Romney's hot blond daughter. The one he doesn't actually have.

Jukesgrrl April 12, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Eiskant to his Jumbo: "I can't quit yew."

Blueb4sunrise April 12, 2012 at 8:14 pm

hey, grrrrl , brutal cold today ain't it?

Jukesgrrl April 12, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Makes this former Pittsburgher feel right at home. More clouds, please!

not that Dewey April 12, 2012 at 8:53 pm

What, is it only 107°F?

Sharkey April 12, 2012 at 8:10 pm

FHaPS – Federal Handsies and Polite Satisfaction

C_R_Eature April 12, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Tonight on "Reno 911"…

littlebigdaddy April 12, 2012 at 8:32 pm

So Dangle finally got that transfer he wanted.

C_R_Eature April 12, 2012 at 8:38 pm

It was the Awesome Shorts that finally did it.

Schmannnity April 12, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Deputy Portnoy

pickletickle April 12, 2012 at 8:15 pm

If masturbation in a company vehicle is a fireable offense, I'm in BIG trouble.

extreme_left April 12, 2012 at 8:32 pm

ROFL

Lascauxcaveman April 13, 2012 at 1:11 am

OK, I'll admit I did that in a car once, too. But it was a really nice car.

savethispatient April 12, 2012 at 8:23 pm

The NWA were misunderstood: they were just suggesting that you should save the Police from potentially straining their wrists.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 12, 2012 at 10:05 pm

9-1-1 is a Choke

not that Dewey April 12, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Wasn't that Pubic Enemy?

Get off, get get get down

Doktor StrangeZoom April 13, 2012 at 12:52 am

Ouch.

C_R_Eature April 12, 2012 at 8:24 pm

♪♫ Sergeant with a Boner
I know, I know
It's Serious!
♫♪

BlueStateLibel April 12, 2012 at 8:27 pm

To protect, serve and…ewwww.

Toomush_Infer April 12, 2012 at 8:27 pm

To protect and to swerve…..

Boojum April 12, 2012 at 9:35 pm

To protect and perv.

flamingpdog April 12, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Condoms protect and serve, too. Just sayin'.

littlebigdaddy April 12, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Wait, was he smoking pot while wanking? Ambitious, imho.

Lascauxcaveman April 13, 2012 at 1:15 am

LOL, been awhile since you've seen 18, eh?

extreme_left April 12, 2012 at 8:31 pm

So I guess this is greasing palms

Joshua Norton April 12, 2012 at 8:35 pm

As part of his plea deal Attorney General Gary King’s office said that Eiskant promised he “will never again become a law enforcement officer anywhere in the United States.”

That's OK. He started a whole new career with a webcam and a PayPal account

Bad boys, bad boys, watcha gonna do………

flamingpdog April 12, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Whatcha gonna do when they come on for you?

Harry_S_Truman April 12, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Gives a whole new meaning to "a cop on the beat."

littlebigdaddy April 12, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Choking el pollo!

Karma_Suture April 12, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Carpe Capon

C_R_Eature April 12, 2012 at 8:39 pm

None of this would have happened if the Police Cruiser had a stick shift.

Mahousu April 12, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Luckily for him, he will be able to put it behind him ..

Whoa! If he can manage that, I think he's got an amazing porn career waiting for him.

not that Dewey April 12, 2012 at 8:48 pm

It is not unusual for police officers in the Land of Enchantment to have sexytime on their police cars. It's just so Enchanting.

trampndirtdown April 12, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Dirty Hairy Palms

extreme_left April 12, 2012 at 10:14 pm

ask yourself punk..how many times did I shoot?

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 12, 2012 at 8:51 pm

"to wank and protect"

BarackMyWorld April 13, 2012 at 12:21 am

"To erect and serve."

C_R_Eature April 12, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Is there a Marksman's Badge awarded for this kind of shooting?
I'm sure he would qualify.

ifthethunderdontgetya April 12, 2012 at 8:54 pm

Seargant Eiskant is actually for real badge #69.

I'm not an attorney, but I'll be happy to play one on the internets.

I see a defense right here!

Also, big hairy balls. If that comment contest thing is still going.
~

not that Dewey April 12, 2012 at 8:55 pm
Dashboard Buddha April 12, 2012 at 9:00 pm

All this penal stuff reminds me of a joke.

A fella with a 20' dick needs an operation. However, the medication he needs keeps the penis in an erect posture, so the maintenance people have to cut a hole in the ceiling above his bed. One day, the nurse comes in to find the man thrashing in agony. The nurse asks what's wrong and the man says "there's a fly on the knob, climb up and knock it off!"

The nurse tries, but lacks the strength to make it to the top. She slides back down, apologizing. The man says, "forget that…do that one more time and I'll drown the bastard."

C_R_Eature April 12, 2012 at 9:03 pm

"Just the ejacs, Ma'am."

coolhandnuke April 12, 2012 at 9:07 pm

Finally the hackneyed Good Cop Bad Cop film leit motif has found a burgeoning star.

C_R_Eature April 12, 2012 at 9:08 pm

"To Spurt and Project"

C_R_Eature April 12, 2012 at 9:22 pm

The Short Arm of the Law.

LastGasp April 12, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Sergeant Eiskant's behavior puts a stain on the profession of law enforcement; however, it's good to see that the police really do cum when they're called.

extreme_left April 13, 2012 at 12:20 am

All cops on the beat are feeling the heat now.

bagofmice April 13, 2012 at 6:35 am

Icy hot can backfire.

Steverino247 April 12, 2012 at 9:39 pm

I thought you had to call 911 to make a cop cum.

Archibald Cox April 12, 2012 at 9:40 pm

THIS MAN IS A SHAME NOT ONLY ON THE BADGE BUT ON THE ENTIRE JUSTICE SYSTEM. WHEN THOSE SNIVELLING PEANUT-SMUGGLER FUCKS IN THE HEART OF ATLANTA MOTEL TRIED TO ARGUE THAT PRIVATE BUSINESSES WERE SPECIAL LITTLE SNOWFLAKES OVER WHICH CONGRESS HAD NO JURISDICTION DID I GO HOME AND WRITE EARL WARREN SOPPY LOVE LETTERS ABOUT HIS TWO-INCH WONDER AND JERK MYSELF TO A SAD LONELY FINISH IN MY MARBLE TUB?

NO, BECAUSE IN 1964 MEN WERE MEN AND ARCHIBALD COX WAS SOLICITOR GENERAL. I SLAPPED MY KNOB ON THE BENCH LIKE KHRUSHCHEV'S CHEAP-ASS LOAFER AND WHEN POTTER STEWART TRIED TO START SOMETHING I PROMISED TO REAM HIS HANDSOME WIFE MARY ANN INSIDE OUT THE NEXT TIME HE WAS POKING HIS LONG NOSE AND HIS SAD LIMP BUCKEYE INTO THE LATEST "MAN'S STORY" AND PRETENDING HE WAS ANSWERING IMPORTANT QUESTIONS ABOUT CENSORSHIP

HE SHUT THE FUCK UP AND VOTED WITH THE MAJORITY AND AMERICAN VALUES WERE SAVED

AND THEN I MADE A PHONE CALL AND THAT VERY NIGHT I FUCKED HIS WIFE RAW WITH MY NINE-INCH BOWTIED BOCEPHALUS

WELCOME TO AMERICA BITCH

Negropolis April 12, 2012 at 9:55 pm

I nearly threw up a little bit where they show him making a stop right after jerking off. That was one sticky ticket.

mavenmaven April 12, 2012 at 10:05 pm

En route to be a Supreme Court Justice!

extreme_left April 13, 2012 at 12:14 am

I think it's part of the training, learning the ropes so to speak

deelzebub April 12, 2012 at 10:07 pm

For fucks's sake! How stupid is this guy? He knew there were cameras and did this shit anyway. I know where the security cameras are at work, so I do my best to avoid doing anything embarrassing in view of them. Despite my status as a the clumsiest hot mess in Illinois, I've only had one slip-up on camera at work…the time I accidentally ripped a hole in my trousers and exposed my right butt cheek. Point being, there is nowhere near 12 hours of my nonsense.

spareme April 12, 2012 at 10:15 pm

I have no words – just speechless. Argh. Did I really read this?

extreme_left April 12, 2012 at 10:15 pm

repeat offender?

extreme_left April 12, 2012 at 10:16 pm

3 strikes and he's out?

extreme_left April 12, 2012 at 10:17 pm

testicular cavity search?

extreme_left April 12, 2012 at 10:18 pm

charging the taser?

extreme_left April 12, 2012 at 10:19 pm

polishing the club?

extreme_left April 12, 2012 at 10:22 pm

detailing the car?

EtchySketchy April 12, 2012 at 10:40 pm

The long arm of the law shows its hand

BarackMyWorld April 12, 2012 at 10:54 pm

When did this blog turn into the opening scene from "Reservoir Dogs"?

How many stories about dicks is that? A lot!

not that Dewey April 13, 2012 at 12:10 am

This used to be a respectable poop joke blog!

flamingpdog April 12, 2012 at 11:15 pm

OT, but I finished reading Benincasa's "Agorafabulous" last night. In the credits at the end, one of her Grazies went to "the insane hordes of Wonkette commenters". If you're too poor (or cheap) to buy the book, go to the nearest Barnes & Noble, or any bookstore that lets you sit in a cushy chair and read books off of the shelf, and be sure to read at least Chapter 8, "Billy Has A Boner". Seems only fitting for Dick Day at teh Wonkette.

BarackMyWorld April 13, 2012 at 12:19 am

I bought the Kindle editon…well worth the purchase, says I.

glamourdammerung April 12, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Sticky situation there.

extreme_left April 12, 2012 at 11:35 pm

choke hold?

extreme_left April 12, 2012 at 11:35 pm

extracting a statement?

extreme_left April 12, 2012 at 11:35 pm

manipulating the witness?

extreme_left April 12, 2012 at 11:36 pm

beating a member?

extreme_left April 12, 2012 at 11:36 pm

releasing some inmates?

extreme_left April 12, 2012 at 11:37 pm

tampering with evidence?

extreme_left April 12, 2012 at 11:38 pm

cleaning the cell?

extreme_left April 12, 2012 at 11:50 pm

purging the record?

Generation[redacted] April 13, 2012 at 12:06 am

Car 69, Where Are You?

not that Dewey April 13, 2012 at 12:11 am

He couldn't see the surveillance cameras; he had already gone blind.

extreme_left April 13, 2012 at 12:31 am

Sergeant Eiskants workmates are sick of his jerking around.

extreme_left April 13, 2012 at 12:34 am

Sergeant Eiskants tends to release prematurely.

extreme_left April 13, 2012 at 12:36 am

At work nobody trusts Sgt. Eiskants special sauce.

extreme_left April 13, 2012 at 12:43 am

as we say in australia "what a wanker"

extreme_left April 13, 2012 at 12:45 am

Eiskants was accused of letting things get out of hand.

donner_froh April 13, 2012 at 12:51 am

He wanted to do a little more than just cop a feel.

LiberalMantra April 13, 2012 at 1:43 am

Took the law in his own hands, figures.

Wile E. Quixote April 13, 2012 at 2:29 am

His fucking badge number was 69. Holy shit that's fucking hilarious. Oh Jesus, that's funny. Oh Jesus.

Negropolis April 13, 2012 at 2:59 am

Hey, extreme left, knock it the fuck off, already, okay? Thanx.

lochnessmonster April 13, 2012 at 6:39 am

The reporter had to watch "dozens of hours" of video/audio?

DahBoner April 13, 2012 at 8:03 am

New Mexico: Not really new or Mexico.

BaldarTFlagass April 13, 2012 at 8:47 am

I was the same way. When I was 15.

Jus_Wonderin April 13, 2012 at 10:22 am

Hey, give him a break. His donut fell in his lap and he was trying to retrieve it.

teebob2000 April 13, 2012 at 2:10 pm

"Car 45, Where Are You?"

ttommyunger April 14, 2012 at 9:47 am

"He's too sexy for his hands." And job.

meatpuppet2 April 14, 2012 at 6:25 pm

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAahhahahaha…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

misanthrope April 15, 2012 at 12:51 am

Admittedly having a uniform fetish I really appreciate this; I wish he was patrolling my 'hood. <SIGH> I also dream about a SWAT team kicking down my door and….

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