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New Mexico Cop Has Explosive Situation On His Hands (VIDEO)

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Doesn't anyone knock?Sergeant Mike Eiskant, a Santa Fe police officer, was caught utilizing his inch high private eye while on duty. Luckily for him, he will be able to put it behind him once the video stops going viral. Officer Eiskant is a private man, which is why he chose a marked police car with a dash cam. Although the dash cam was pointed in another direction, the audio is clear. Almost a dozen hours of the video was obtained, but only a sample of audio was released.

Seargant Eiskant is actually for real badge #69. He is considered to be armed and relaxed. His dedication to masturbation in public and being a police officer has caused him recognition in the past according to former officer Shannon Brady. The former officer recalls his bad reputation as a stalker of women and a ‘creeper’. Brady claims to have been harassed by Sgt. Eikant and even filed a complaint with Human Resources. Nothing seems to have come of the complaint other than having been used as a napkin during Officer Eikant’s ‘lunch hour’.

Wonkette has gathered enough masturbation resources over the years and was able to reconstruct the missing transcripts:

“Well, hello there lil’ fella! Where did you come from? Are you here on business or pleasure? Both? Have you seen this picture of ‘Anyone but my wife’? She’s perfect. She is two-dimensional, doesn’t speak and doesn’t cry when I pepper spray her with my love gun. She’s a naughty girl too. I can tell by looking at her she is a protestor at a college somewhere. Probably an ivy league one. I better assume the position. She could be dangerous. Holy racial profiling! I got ya right in the hoodie, momma!”

Another day revealed a softer and tender side to our whack job officer:

“Ten four. I’m going on break. My ’20′ is a parking lot in plain view of lots of people with good eyesight. Over! Wow. It’s just you and me again. I like it this way actually. I know I scare a lot of people with my uniform and that feels good, but you don’t have to tuck yourself away like that. Come here you! Why does everyone hide from me when I remove my pants? I’m just a normal person like everyone else. I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else and remove them in a parked car to masturbate in public while on the clock like everyone does. I really miss my mom.”

Finally, Wonkette reveals what happened when he finally realized that everything he had been doing was recorded:

“Okay, Jerry. You go around back to investigate and I will drive the block to get a visual on the perp. [Jerry jumps out of the car] Jesus Christ I thought he was never going to leave. I have never wanted to fuck my partner and waste him at the same time like I do now. This is a different feeling. Why do I have feelings of wanting to violate Jerry’s puckered sanctity when I have labeled myself a heterosexual male with masculine feelings? I know! I haven’t violated anyone’s rights in days! Where is a Mexican when you need one? I better park somewhere that allows everyone to see me and think about this. What to do…Yes, Jerry! Come in. [Officer Jerry: Are you jerking off in the squad car again? Everyone knows, dude. You have been on tape ever since you started your ‘beat brigade’.]

The fun has only started for Sergeant Eiskant. As a result of his actions, he has found himself entering a no contest plea in Bernalillo County District Court for other issues along with being too sexy for his pants. The no contest pleas were for two counts of attempt to commit a felony for false imprisonment, one count of stalking, two counts of harassment and charges for larceny and possession of marijuana. As part of his plea deal Attorney General Gary King’s office said that Eiskant promised he “will never again become a law enforcement officer anywhere in the United States.” Little did Attorney General know Gary King know Eiskant had his fingers crossed when he promised. That’s because his hands were in his pants at the time he made the promise. [JDJournal]

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About the author

Erik Jay is currently unemployed, but has a history of managing various motels and quitting customer service jobs on day 1. He still feels accomplished graduating from a continuation high school in 1989.

View all articles by Erik Jay

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • nounverb911

    Our editrix certainly has something on her mind today. I wonder what it is.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Is it Spring yet? I do believe she's twitterpated. [been watching Bambi with the kids lately].

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    You have the right to remain a laughingstock.

  • nounverb911

    Speaking of big phalluses, North Korea seems to have launched it's manhood into space today.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Doesn't matter. Some obscure Democratic strategist called Ann Romney a worthless lay about. Priorities, people!!!1!!

    • Toomush_Infer

      Yeah, but….oops….(according to recent reports, it went bang…..prematurely…)

      • MrsBiggTime

        Ejaculated over much of the South China Sea.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      It only lasted a minute, you can't really call it "manhood"

    • Negropolis

      After what happened to it, it could have used some space viagra.

  • http://protoplasm.wordpress.com/ Preacher_Griz

    What someone does in the privacy of there own police car or preacher house is NOT A BODY's business!!!

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Unless it results in 19 children, Rev. Duggar.

  • johnnymeatworth

    And here I thought dicks hated the police….
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpcvIHf3uhA

    But seriously, he should save target practice for the shooting range….

  • Radio福井県

    Oh My Gadi, he watched twelve hours of that!!1!
    Personally I find this very easy to vomit to.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Can't even think about what the fuck did he do with the donuts…

    • Neoyorquino

      Glazed donut joke goes here.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Ringtoss!…

    • C_R_Eature

      Rolling. Flying Fuck at.

    • Warwhatgoodfor

      Hell, the local Krispy Creme hired him to put the holes in their special "come as you go" donuts.

    • bagofmice

      Aziz Ansari has a good joke about that.

  • elfgoldsackring

    Sergeant "I's can't keep mah hands off it".

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    COP COPS FEEL: News at eleven.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Fapping Fuzz
    Cop Custard
    Pulled Pork
    Coppers with Poppers
    Sargent Stroke M Offer
    Cop on the Beat…Off

    • deelzebub

      Pulled pork…now you've ruined my plan to have the Friday daily special for lunch tomorrow.

  • chascates

    To protect and to serve. One's 'Little Lawman'!

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Chief Wiggum would NOT approve.

  • AlterNewt

    Hey, you can get ARRESTED for that.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Just another beat cop.

  • DailyGrumbles

    Johnny Law…working the Beat.

  • rambone

    Eiskant? Apparently he didz!

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    It's no laughing matter. He's a member of the SWAT Team… aka Special Wanking and Tissues.

  • Neoyorquino

    When asked if he would retain legal counsel to respond to the charges, Sergeant Eiskant said that, no, he would represent himself, stating "I'll be pulling this off by myself."

    • deelzebub

      Pro Se something naughty, preferably right in his ear in a breathy voice

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    He always wanted a career in Law Engorgement

    • C_R_Eature

      Too bad he's got PTSD: Penis Tumescence Satisfaction Disorder.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Another police choking incident caught on tape.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    I know that I'm often paid for doing "work" when I'm actually just dicking around, but in my case it's a metaphor. That, and I don't have a dick.

    • CthuNHu

      Welcome to Wonkette, Senator Hatch.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    It's because of Georgia O'Keeffe I tells ya. http://www.curatedmag.com/news/wp-content/uploads

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      P for spelling her name correctly.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        It's a SW thang.

  • nounverb911

    Needs more Dick Tracey.

  • Barb

    Meh, I live in New Mexico and all the police are jerk offs.

    • nounverb911

      Even Sam McCloud?

    • Karma_Suture

      I live in NM too and they are and the asshole city commissioners are right up there with them.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    It's things like this that give marijuana a bad name.

  • Radio福井県

    I hope tomorrow is Vajayjay Day.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    I can imagine the MSNBC producers scrambling to find a time slot for a new show.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      I can't wait to hear Rachel's Friday night promo.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    To Protect and Skeeve

  • C_R_Eature

    His parents must be proud.

    Dad: "This is my son, Mike, a Santa Fe police Sergeant…"
    Mom: "… and a Public Masturbator!"

  • Callyson

    If more cops masturbated while on the job, we'd have a lot fewer issues with police brutality. Just sayin'…

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    The long sticky fingers of the law

    • emmelemm

      Ew.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Wild wild horses
      couldn't tear them apart

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    Mm, yep. Definitely "Dick Day" on Wonkette. That's okay, better than the last 3 months of "State Sponsored Rape & Forced Vaginal Wandings" days.

    • HistoriCat

      I was thinking "Cocktober in April" but "Dick Day" sums it up perfectly.

    • flamingpdog

      Maybe that's why I dreamt this morning that I had sexual intercourse with Mitt Romney's hot blond daughter. The one he doesn't actually have.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    Eiskant to his Jumbo: "I can't quit yew."

    • Blueb4sunrise

      hey, grrrrl , brutal cold today ain't it?

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Makes this former Pittsburgher feel right at home. More clouds, please!

        • not that Dewey

          What, is it only 107°F?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    FHaPS – Federal Handsies and Polite Satisfaction

  • C_R_Eature

    Tonight on "Reno 911"…

    • littlebigdaddy

      So Dangle finally got that transfer he wanted.

      • C_R_Eature

        It was the Awesome Shorts that finally did it.

  • Schmannnity

    Deputy Portnoy

  • pickletickle

    If masturbation in a company vehicle is a fireable offense, I'm in BIG trouble.

    • extreme_left

      ROFL

    • Lascauxcaveman

      OK, I'll admit I did that in a car once, too. But it was a really nice car.

  • savethispatient

    The NWA were misunderstood: they were just suggesting that you should save the Police from potentially straining their wrists.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      9-1-1 is a Choke

      • not that Dewey

        Wasn't that Pubic Enemy?

        Get off, get get get down

        • Doktor StrangeZoom

          Ouch.

  • C_R_Eature

    ♪♫ Sergeant with a Boner
    I know, I know
    It's Serious!
    ♫♪

  • BlueStateLibel

    To protect, serve and…ewwww.

  • Toomush_Infer

    To protect and to swerve…..

    • Boojum

      To protect and perv.

    • flamingpdog

      Condoms protect and serve, too. Just sayin'.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Wait, was he smoking pot while wanking? Ambitious, imho.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      LOL, been awhile since you've seen 18, eh?

  • extreme_left

    So I guess this is greasing palms

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    As part of his plea deal Attorney General Gary King’s office said that Eiskant promised he “will never again become a law enforcement officer anywhere in the United States.”

    That's OK. He started a whole new career with a webcam and a PayPal account

    Bad boys, bad boys, watcha gonna do………

    • flamingpdog

      Whatcha gonna do when they come on for you?

  • Harry_S_Truman

    Gives a whole new meaning to "a cop on the beat."

  • littlebigdaddy

    Choking el pollo!

    • Karma_Suture

      Carpe Capon

  • C_R_Eature

    None of this would have happened if the Police Cruiser had a stick shift.

  • Mahousu

    Luckily for him, he will be able to put it behind him ..

    Whoa! If he can manage that, I think he's got an amazing porn career waiting for him.

  • not that Dewey

    It is not unusual for police officers in the Land of Enchantment to have sexytime on their police cars. It's just so Enchanting.

  • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

    Dirty Hairy Palms

    • extreme_left

      ask yourself punk..how many times did I shoot?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    "to wank and protect"

    • BarackMyWorld

      "To erect and serve."

  • C_R_Eature

    Is there a Marksman's Badge awarded for this kind of shooting?
    I'm sure he would qualify.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Seargant Eiskant is actually for real badge #69.

    I'm not an attorney, but I'll be happy to play one on the internets.

    I see a defense right here!

    Also, big hairy balls. If that comment contest thing is still going.
    ~

  • not that Dewey
  • Dashboard Buddha

    All this penal stuff reminds me of a joke.

    A fella with a 20' dick needs an operation. However, the medication he needs keeps the penis in an erect posture, so the maintenance people have to cut a hole in the ceiling above his bed. One day, the nurse comes in to find the man thrashing in agony. The nurse asks what's wrong and the man says "there's a fly on the knob, climb up and knock it off!"

    The nurse tries, but lacks the strength to make it to the top. She slides back down, apologizing. The man says, "forget that…do that one more time and I'll drown the bastard."

  • C_R_Eature

    "Just the ejacs, Ma'am."

  • coolhandnuke

    Finally the hackneyed Good Cop Bad Cop film leit motif has found a burgeoning star.

  • C_R_Eature

    "To Spurt and Project"

  • C_R_Eature

    The Short Arm of the Law.

  • LastGasp

    Sergeant Eiskant's behavior puts a stain on the profession of law enforcement; however, it's good to see that the police really do cum when they're called.

    • extreme_left

      All cops on the beat are feeling the heat now.

      • bagofmice

        Icy hot can backfire.

  • Steverino247

    I thought you had to call 911 to make a cop cum.

  • Archibald Cox

    THIS MAN IS A SHAME NOT ONLY ON THE BADGE BUT ON THE ENTIRE JUSTICE SYSTEM. WHEN THOSE SNIVELLING PEANUT-SMUGGLER FUCKS IN THE HEART OF ATLANTA MOTEL TRIED TO ARGUE THAT PRIVATE BUSINESSES WERE SPECIAL LITTLE SNOWFLAKES OVER WHICH CONGRESS HAD NO JURISDICTION DID I GO HOME AND WRITE EARL WARREN SOPPY LOVE LETTERS ABOUT HIS TWO-INCH WONDER AND JERK MYSELF TO A SAD LONELY FINISH IN MY MARBLE TUB?

    NO, BECAUSE IN 1964 MEN WERE MEN AND ARCHIBALD COX WAS SOLICITOR GENERAL. I SLAPPED MY KNOB ON THE BENCH LIKE KHRUSHCHEV'S CHEAP-ASS LOAFER AND WHEN POTTER STEWART TRIED TO START SOMETHING I PROMISED TO REAM HIS HANDSOME WIFE MARY ANN INSIDE OUT THE NEXT TIME HE WAS POKING HIS LONG NOSE AND HIS SAD LIMP BUCKEYE INTO THE LATEST "MAN'S STORY" AND PRETENDING HE WAS ANSWERING IMPORTANT QUESTIONS ABOUT CENSORSHIP

    HE SHUT THE FUCK UP AND VOTED WITH THE MAJORITY AND AMERICAN VALUES WERE SAVED

    AND THEN I MADE A PHONE CALL AND THAT VERY NIGHT I FUCKED HIS WIFE RAW WITH MY NINE-INCH BOWTIED BOCEPHALUS

    WELCOME TO AMERICA BITCH

  • Negropolis

    I nearly threw up a little bit where they show him making a stop right after jerking off. That was one sticky ticket.

  • mavenmaven

    En route to be a Supreme Court Justice!

    • extreme_left

      I think it's part of the training, learning the ropes so to speak

  • deelzebub

    For fucks's sake! How stupid is this guy? He knew there were cameras and did this shit anyway. I know where the security cameras are at work, so I do my best to avoid doing anything embarrassing in view of them. Despite my status as a the clumsiest hot mess in Illinois, I've only had one slip-up on camera at work…the time I accidentally ripped a hole in my trousers and exposed my right butt cheek. Point being, there is nowhere near 12 hours of my nonsense.

  • spareme

    I have no words – just speechless. Argh. Did I really read this?

  • extreme_left

    repeat offender?

  • extreme_left

    3 strikes and he's out?

  • extreme_left

    testicular cavity search?

  • extreme_left

    charging the taser?

  • extreme_left

    polishing the club?

  • extreme_left

    detailing the car?

  • EtchySketchy

    The long arm of the law shows its hand

  • BarackMyWorld

    When did this blog turn into the opening scene from "Reservoir Dogs"?

    How many stories about dicks is that? A lot!

    • not that Dewey

      This used to be a respectable poop joke blog!

  • flamingpdog

    OT, but I finished reading Benincasa's "Agorafabulous" last night. In the credits at the end, one of her Grazies went to "the insane hordes of Wonkette commenters". If you're too poor (or cheap) to buy the book, go to the nearest Barnes & Noble, or any bookstore that lets you sit in a cushy chair and read books off of the shelf, and be sure to read at least Chapter 8, "Billy Has A Boner". Seems only fitting for Dick Day at teh Wonkette.

    • BarackMyWorld

      I bought the Kindle editon…well worth the purchase, says I.

  • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

    Sticky situation there.

  • extreme_left

    choke hold?

  • extreme_left

    extracting a statement?

  • extreme_left

    manipulating the witness?

  • extreme_left

    beating a member?

  • extreme_left

    releasing some inmates?

  • extreme_left

    tampering with evidence?

  • extreme_left

    cleaning the cell?

  • extreme_left

    purging the record?

  • Generation[redacted]

    Car 69, Where Are You?

  • not that Dewey

    He couldn't see the surveillance cameras; he had already gone blind.

  • extreme_left

    Sergeant Eiskants workmates are sick of his jerking around.

  • extreme_left

    Sergeant Eiskants tends to release prematurely.

  • extreme_left

    At work nobody trusts Sgt. Eiskants special sauce.

  • extreme_left

    as we say in australia "what a wanker"

  • extreme_left

    Eiskants was accused of letting things get out of hand.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    He wanted to do a little more than just cop a feel.

  • LiberalMantra

    Took the law in his own hands, figures.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    His fucking badge number was 69. Holy shit that's fucking hilarious. Oh Jesus, that's funny. Oh Jesus.

  • Negropolis

    Hey, extreme left, knock it the fuck off, already, okay? Thanx.

  • lochnessmonster

    The reporter had to watch "dozens of hours" of video/audio?

  • DahBoner

    New Mexico: Not really new or Mexico.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I was the same way. When I was 15.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Hey, give him a break. His donut fell in his lap and he was trying to retrieve it.

  • teebob2000

    "Car 45, Where Are You?"

  • ttommyunger

    "He's too sexy for his hands." And job.

  • meatpuppet2

    ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAahhahahaha…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  • misanthrope

    Admittedly having a uniform fetish I really appreciate this; I wish he was patrolling my 'hood. <SIGH> I also dream about a SWAT team kicking down my door and….