true stories

This Smug Sex Mannequin Is The Official Libertarian Mascot

The Ghost of Murray RothbardDon’t know how, don’t know why, but last night your Wonkette found itself in the bathroom of Reason magazine HQ, during a John Stossel book event, staring down this pantsless mannequin that all libertarians molest all day, maybe.

“Salutations, Mr. Boss, Dr. Congressman Ron Paul,” any libertarian will say any given workday, “I just finished writing a treatise on on how taxes are a form of coercion to steal your property, backed by military and police power, or whatever annoying thing it is I always say. Can I go molest the sex mannequin now?”

“Bleaahnnnhaanhnhn,” Ron Paul responds, the end.

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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    1. chicken_thief

      It started out John Holmes-esqe but everyone that walked by rubbed it, so now it's down to a nub. A couple more years and it'll be a va-jay-jay.

  1. mrpuma2u

    That dummy is just like most of libertarians I have met, plastic, unrealistic and not much going on upstairs.

  2. Baconzgood

    Why do libertarian put the TP so far from the crapper? Can't they have that shit on a roll? It's like you have to stand up and walk across the room to get your ass wipe.

  3. SorosBot

    And that's how Objectivists like their women; with no heads to talk back from, and stiff and lifeless to receive their cocks without resistance.

      1. SorosBot

        Well she was a big fan of a man who raped, murdered and dismembered a 12-year-old girl, calling him her ideal man. This is not a joke.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if they let the free market determine whether to mount the toilet paper roll "over" or "under." Looks like they're still undecided.

  5. Antispandex

    My wife took one look and said, "Ah, the perfect man". I'm not sure, but I think I just got insulted.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Really — if you're still in their offices you're just going to need another one after you get out the door.

    2. DetectiveGrey

      Good point; aren't those powered by water subject to government sanitation regulations? Big Brother is cascading all over your body!

  6. JackDempsey1

    Headless mannequins are shown so that the consumer can project, "hey, that could be me wearing that fabulous muumuu…,"
    or, in this case, "hey, that could be me, pantsless, in the executive bathroom of a magazine with a keen sense of irony, just like Mr. Newell."

  7. Mumbletypeg

    "Book party!" "Stossel?" Puh-shaw. How can we be sure you're not mole'ing for some shifty undercover stint, Newell, like Faux's latest merry prankster? Seems he spent a lot of time in bathrooms getting his storyline ready for press, just sayin'.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    I guess the rest of the mannequin got tired of the head making up rules and telling everyone what to do.

  9. An_Outhouse

    A john Stossel book event? Why? There was a perfectly good rerun of CSI on last night.

  10. LastGasp

    In case John Stossel didn't show they were just going to put out the mannequin. With Stossel's wooden personality and clueless demeanor who'd be able to tell the difference?

  11. Serolf_Divad

    One could probably…. no, fuck that… could definitely have a more intelligent conversation with that thing than with John Stossel.

  12. ChernobylSoup

    Well you can just read me a bedtime story tonight, Newell. I didn't ever want to sleep again anyway.

  13. OneYieldRegular

    Libertarians most certainly picked that mannequin, but no way did they design that t-shirt. If they had, all the letters would be in red, white and blue Magic Marker and crowded over to one side with lots of exclamation points.

  14. Oblios_Cap

    Why in the world would you waste your time going to a John Stossel book event? Was it free crayon night?

  15. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Well, by DC standards, that probably was the most attractive person in attendance.

  16. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Listening to Stossel drone on about how the market can cure everything, including impotency, you would probably remove your head too if you could.

    (Note, Stossel wife did solve his impotency by outsourcing their sex life to a country with lower taxes).

  17. ttommyunger

    Reminds me of the time Stossel got his head slapped off by that wrestler. Too funny! google: stossel,wrestler if you haven't seen it.

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