stop everything you are doing

Herman Cain’s Latest ‘Campaign’ Video: The Government Is An Evil Man-Eating Chicken

wut

Herman Cain’s taking advantage of the post-Santorum era, yes he is, with a new video reminding us of a tax plan too incomprehensible to distract America from true tales of sex and cash. Due to Cain’s need to, maybe, provide himself and his family with food and shelter using super PAC funds, the video is rather LO-BUDGE. The evil-looking anemic child featured in the ad is only given four speaking lines, because we are forever in a deep recession, if King B. Obama has anything to say about it. Not all that different from a You Can’t Do That On Television skit, “Chicken,” as it is called, shows what happens when “the American taxpayer,” the farmer star of this video, keeps feeding supporting actor “Big Government” (normal-sized chicken) large portions of his paycheck (genetically modified Monsanto grain feed) forever. The chickens just get hungrier and hungrier, nothing is ever enough, and then they eat the American farmer fellow. And then at the end there is this video game hero-esque version of Herman Cain (above) standing atop a mountain, looking out over his fake kingdom.

And if you go to the website above, you get this message:

This is a We The People Movement! Tell us what you are Sick of to give us the theme for our video ad! Vote and share with your friends!

But you must be very sick of the things. Sick with a capital ‘S.’

The entirety of the script of the video, now:

LITTLE GIRL: This is the average American taxpayer.
LITTLE GIRL: This is the average American taxpayer feeding Big Government.
FARMER: (Feeds chicken. Feeds chicken some more.)
Chickens can be heard clucking in a maniacal way that sounds like…laughter?
CHICKENS: (Attack Farmer, poke Farmer’s eyes out, devour Farmer.)
FARMER: (Lying on ground.) (Screams. Pauses for comedic effect. Continues screaming.)
LITTLE GIRL: Any questions?
FARMER SKELETON: (Lying on ground, dead.) (Raises skeleton arm.)
LITTLE GIRL: Any questions?

Brilliant stuff:

So in case you missed the message, instead of giving money you don’t have because you are unemployed to the government, give it to Herman Cain, so that he can continue to make videos starring people who couldn’t even make it into their high school’s Intro to Improv course! [YouTube]

About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • nounverb911

    Are farmers the secret ingredient at Chick-Fil-A?

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Maybe it was for Godfathers?

  • nounverb911

    Where's the smoking chicken?

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Aargh, you beat me.
      Except I would've said "chain -smoking."
      OT/ Herman's 'smoking man' has got nothing on this doctor, played in Exorcist-III by Scott Wilson, who got famous for the killer role that landed him on the cover of Life Mag 45 years ago today.
      Wilson became a favorite offbeat character actor of mine with this chain-smoking scene.

  • Barb

    That little girl is a menace to society.

    • nounverb911

      Denise the Menace?

    • freakishlywrong

      Jared Loughner's mug shot didn't give me the night terrors that she does.

      • Barb

        Yeah, this girl's parents would have no problem letting her go to a party at R. Kelly's house.

    • gullywompr

      This is the "other people" that Herman Cain warned us about.

    • Negropolis

      Truly, death becomes her.

  • freakishlywrong

    Are we dosing? And if so, can we get a better trip?

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      I think it's the brown acid, freakish.

    • Negropolis

      Ever since they started putting the good cough syrup behind the counter, things just haven't been the same.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Mumbly_Joe

    I do have a question:

    What the fuck???

    • DahBoner

      A: To get to the other side?

    • Nothingisamiss

      What the fuck. Srsly. What the fuck.

    • http://www.udargo.com MaxUdargo

      Yeah, I have a question for the little girl too:

      So, your point is that we shouldn't pay taxes for big government BECAUSE we should learn from the farmer's experience.

      And that experience is this: farmers who feed their chickens are attacked, killed and eaten by them.

      What the fuck, indeed.

      If you're going to argue by analogy, doesn't the analogy have to make some sort of fucking sense? Farmers DO feed their chickens. And, no, this doesn't result in murderous, man-eating chickens. It results in things like eggs and drumsticks. A farmer who doesn't feed his livestock is not going to be a very successful farmer.

      The more I think about this the more angry it makes me. Seriously, what the fuck? Is there no requirement anymore that right-wing arguments even be coherent? Have these people departed so completely from reality and anything resembling objective truth that they don't even understand how symbolic language works anymore? Just throw some shit together and make it scary, and then have a little girl at the end who asserts the meaning of it all and challenges you to disagree with her.

      Farmers DO feed their fucking chickens. Fuckdamn it. You're not even making any fucking sense. And the way you're not making any fucking sense doesn't make any fucking sense. Are you just trying to drive us all crazy or something?

      Fuck!

  • Generation[redacted]

    So… eggs are farm subsidies then?

  • slithytoves

    This is a We The People Movement!

    I don't want to be with these people.

    • Radio福井県

      But I could use a good movement right about now.

    • sewollef

      I'd rather be with, 'We the Other People Movement!'

  • Allmighty_Manos

    YouTube commenter Cameron J. Kenworthy for the win: "My parents walked in while I was watching this, I really wish it had been porn on my screen instead… They just keep looking at me funny now."

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Awesome.

  • mavenmaven

    Warning to future classmates: Do NOT jokingly make that girl prom queen and drop a bucket of pigs blood on her.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    That dude is reeeaaalllyyyy trying to get Mitt to appoint him to be the Head of the Department of Delicious Chicken Pizza.

  • SexySmurf

    That farmer kinda looks like a skinnier Skoalrebel.

    • sharethegrief

      And he gets his farm attire dry-cleaned.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    As someone who keeps chickens I can assure you, were they large enough, ALL chickens would be man-eating chickens.

    Low-budget or not, the director did a really good job of showing the true character of the velociraptor average chicken.

    (But the farmer looked like a Mexican. What's up with that?)

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Private Dick, Innkeeper, Community Theater Performer and Chicken Famer?! The second Bob Newhart Show's got nothing on Lascauxcaveman!

      • Wile E. Quixote

        Pay no mind to Chet, Lascauxcaveman. You just keep farming those chickens.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        I don't know about that private dick thing, where'd you get that?

        It's true, I'm not exactly an exhibitionist…

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Oh, it's just an old joke of mine you've completely forgotten.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      (But the farmer looked like a Mexican. What's up with that?)

      He looks kind of like George Zimmerman, I wonder if Zimmerman's lawyer (whoever that is today) will use this as a defense exhibit.

  • Callyson

    Any questions?

    Several, but I'll limit myself to two:

    1. When are the people who came up with this video going to get the rehab they desperately need?

    2. Capital WTF?

    • Oblios_Cap

      No shit. It really managed to combine horrible production values with serious questions about its creators' mental states.

      A modern classic!

  • Barb

    Bones, cocks, peckers, a little girl, and stimulus. Herb Cain's mind is certainly a dark and whorey place.

    And BALLZ!

    • Gleem McShineys

      I envision a Wonkette Director's cut version.

      His scream should be "no no NO, MRS. GOBBLECOCKS!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Needs moar grinning Herb Cain in a top hat, molesting people into buying tickets for his grotesque and kinky traveling show.

      • George Spelvin

        Something Stupid This Way Comes.

  • Lucidamente1

    After what's come to light with Herm and the ladies, I think it's safe to say he's been reduced to choking the chicken.

  • freakishlywrong

    Bullshit. 64% of WHAT Americans think "big Government is the biggest threat to the country"? Horseshit.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      That Breitbart site is really a threat to the republic.

      • Oblios_Cap

        You have to take a course in GOP statistics. It's more commonly known as "pulling numbers out your ass".

        • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

          That is a survey course at the College of I saw it on the Internets.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Bullshit, horseshit Americans.

  • Radio福井県

    Funny, his pizza tastes like chicken feed too.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Doesn't SOS better describe his pizzas?

  • iburl

    Which is the better way of taking attention away from a series of sex scandals:

    A) Man eating Chickens
    B) Shotgunning catapulted rabbits

    sickofstimulus.com is still trying to figure that out. Won't you please donate today?

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Don't forget the exhydrated fish.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I see that Santorum gave Herman one of his sweater vests.

    • widestanceromance

      Must have still been dark when they got dressed.

  • gullywompr

    I got a D on my student film too.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I always preferred the original Joe Dante version of Chicken from the late 70s.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Watch out little girl! They're coming for you next!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The chickens are the real farmers, you see, and the "farmer" represents government subsidies to real farmers.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Don't worry, guys.

    The queens got this one.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I have seen that and I approve!!

  • WiscDad

    Let me guess…Russ Myers

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Your move, Alfred Hitchcock.

  • Extemporanus
  • sullivanst

    WTF is it with Herman Cain and snuff movies featuring animals?

    • SexySmurf

      The man has a crush fetish.

      • sullivanst

        I'm starting to think the ASPCA should be paying him a visit. Just to take a look-see.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Well, at least this time it was the human that got killed. PETA approves!

    • Mahousu

      Like any true artist, he writes what he knows.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Taking bets on which animal Herman's gonna kill in his next vid.

    My money's on strangling a monkey – the noose is Obamacare, and the monkey is an American job creator (shits everywhere, steals all the bananas, writes beautiful Shakespeare)

    • SexySmurf

      He's going to kill the most dangerous game of them all: MAN!

      Actually, the most dangerous game is the hippopotamus. Hippos kill more people each year than any other animal.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        "Hippos kill more people each year than any other animal."

        It is probably caused by all that teasing about their weight. People, please be kind!

    • WiscDad

      More like choking a chicken

  • owhatever

    EAT MOR CHIKN

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Is this because black people like fried chicken?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      The farmer is lucky he didn't get attacked by a bowl of macaroni and cheese.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        With a big glass of MF'ing iced tea!

        • DaRooster

          Kool-Aid

          • Fare la Volpe

            Add a large pepperoni and you've got a Godfather's Family Meal!

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Macaroni and Cheese is from the Motherland, where it is called Wopfolaya by the Susu people, and Guineakinea by the Fulani. The white man does not want you to know this!!

  • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

    Damn. If it weren't for Obamacare, Cain could have had his neurosyphilis treated in time.

  • Fare la Volpe

    So Herman's message is that the government wants to kill you and everyone you love…

    …so let him run it?

    • CommieLibunatic

      That's what confuses me so much about these small government goons. What sane person would hire somebody who admits freely in their interview that they want to destroy the company?

  • Baconzgood
    • BaldarTFlagass

      The 70s were so fucking awesome.

    • George Spelvin

      If he just had a big enough grill, it could be Yaki-Tori of the Gods.

  • James Michael Curley

    Communist Party USA offended to be called Congressmen. http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0412/75037.h

    • Radio福井県

      Fucking hilarious.

  • IncenseDebate

    What the cluck?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Not quite the emotional impact as this one.

  • anniegetyerfun
  • JustPixelz

    Alfred Hitchcock saw this one coming from a mile away.

    I don't blame those future McNuggets for getting a little peckish with the average American taxpayer.

    In this objet d'art, the corn is Social Security, the bucket is China, the little girl is Herman Cain. Any questions?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Objet da fuck?!

  • SorosBot

    Keep fucking that chicken.

  • spends2much

    Can we get a GOP Big Brother or Survivor show going? I would really enjoy spending say, Tuesday night (my regular Abortion Night) watching Herman, Rick, Rick, Newt, and the two hot crazies Michele and Sarah fight it out for air time and cash prizes, all while I read Communist literature and throw darts at my Jeebus dart board. That's what all liberals do on Tuesdays, is my understanding.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I always have my Spending Hawk meetings on Tuesday. So, I had to move Liberal Tuesday to Wednesday. Hell, I wasn't going to Bible Study anyway.

    • yrbmegr

      Rush or GTFO

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Already canceled. It was called "The Republican Debates."

  • CommieLibunatic

    For the love of sweet Lucifer, will someone PLEASE take away Herman's video camera!?

  • IncenseDebate

    So, don't put all your farmers in one basket?

    • Generation[redacted]

      It's no use closing the barn door when giant chickens have come home to roost.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Tell us what you are Sick of to give us the theme for our video ad!

    I'm sick of stupid Herman Cain videos. For the love of God, man!

  • Goonemeritus

    I’m not a Federal worker but this seems a rather apt analogy to me. Like chickens most Federal workers offices are very small and they rarely have the option of flying the coop.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      And let me add that it can be a real chickenshit operation.

  • JustPixelz

    Technically, the average American taxpayer does not wear coveralls. Or have chickens without a breaded and fried coating.

  • yrbmegr

    That chicken has been eating 20% of the farmer's feed for the last 50 years. When do we get around to eating the farmer?

  • MadBrahms

    "Any questions?"

    Yes, is the chicken going to flip out and destroy their kitchen because of heroin abuse?

  • SaintRond

    It's an analogy about poor people with beaks.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Worst. Remake. Of Children of the Corn. Ever.

  • chicken_thief

    First the chickens came for my eyes, and I said nothing….

    • Negropolis

      Bumped for WIN.

  • SayItWithWookies

    This shit never happens with tofu.

    • Generation[redacted]

      It does if it's government tofu.

  • Generation[redacted]

    9 piece chicken dinner seasoned with 9 spices, with 9 sides for $9.99

  • barto

    Note to casting – don't spread the word on farmer boy.

  • DaRooster

    Mmmm… chicken.

  • FraAnima

    Here's my suggestion for the remake: for "Big Government" use a sounder of hungry feral pigs, and for the "average American taxpayer" use Herman Cain. Roll cameras.

  • biblioteq_tress

    58% of the Frank Perdue Jr. political donations went to Republican candidates. Not anymore, Mr. Cain, not anymore…
    http://www.newsmeat.com/ceo_political_donations/F

  • valgal2342

    'Bout time chickens got their revenge since we've been eating them and their fetuses for all these years.

  • valgal2342

    Stupid human, you don't go into a cock fight without a finely sharpened spur.

  • Ducksworthy

    So… the message is:" Black chickens are dangerous. Do not feed them,"???

  • Antispandex

    Didn't Orwell already do this plot?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    So this is why the chicken crossed the road.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    PETA is going to have to start going after Herman Cain

  • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

    Low budget? I'm sure ol Herm got paid plenty from his PAC for producing this masterpiece.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Soylent Green is taxpayers!

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    My Fellow Villagers!! What is the connection between all these strange and dreadful events? THE GIRL CHILD!! We must destroy the Girl Child!!

  • James Michael Curley

    Watching that video with the sound off all I get is some creepy little girl using her powers over chickens to kill her older brother and then she goes out into some corn field while a back woods old boy looks out over a valley for more unsuspecting city dupes canoeing down a river.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      David Lynch is just repeating himself now.

  • DetectiveGrey

    I have to say, watching it without sound turned this from depressing to best video on Youtube.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Bubba Watson's Home Video Youtube Channel.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    "But if the liberals would let us pass a 'stand your ground law' and
    would make it easier to get concealed weapons permits without having
    to undergo inconvenient background checks then farmers would be able to
    carry guns to defend themselves and wouldn't have to worry about
    being attacked, killed and eaten by vicious black
    chickens."

    This ad bought to you by the National Rifle Association, the American Legislative Exchange Council and Tyson Chicken.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    This video would be a great accompaniment to John Derbyshire's first article for his new employer, White Supremacist Poultry Breeder's Monthly. The Talk: Non-Chicken Version:

    (9) A small cohort of chickens—in my experience, around five percent—is
    ferociously hostile to human-beings and will go to great
    lengths to inconvenience or harm us. A much larger cohort of
    chickens—around half—will go along passively if the five percent
    take leadership in some event. They will do this out of poultry solidarity,
    the natural willingness of most chickens to be led, and a vague
    feeling that human beings have it coming.

    (10a) Avoid concentrations of chickens not all known to you personally.

    (10b) Stay out of chicken pens.

    (10d) Do not attend events likely to draw a lot of chickens.

    (10e) If you are out in the barnyard and the number of chickens
    suddenly swells,
    leave as quickly as possible.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Fuckin Herman Cain, now he's just ripping off Seth MacFarlane.

  • Gleem McShineys

    God I love that woman.

  • DahBoner

    Whoa Dude, that video is like XTRA CRISPY, XTRA SALT, XTRA MSG!!!!

  • Negropolis

    No. No. This can't be. The ads are actually getting…getting…worse. I mean, the acting, the production value, the whole shebang.

  • Negropolis

    This reminded my of Hitchcock…if Hitchcock had been a talentless hack.

  • ttommyunger

    You just can't quit us, can you Herman? Move on, son; it's over.