STOP EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING  12:38 pm April 12, 2012

Herman Cain’s Latest ‘Campaign’ Video: The Government Is An Evil Man-Eating Chicken

by Liz Colville

wut

Herman Cain’s taking advantage of the post-Santorum era, yes he is, with a new video reminding us of a tax plan too incomprehensible to distract America from true tales of sex and cash. Due to Cain’s need to, maybe, provide himself and his family with food and shelter using super PAC funds, the video is rather LO-BUDGE. The evil-looking anemic child featured in the ad is only given four speaking lines, because we are forever in a deep recession, if King B. Obama has anything to say about it. Not all that different from a You Can’t Do That On Television skit, “Chicken,” as it is called, shows what happens when “the American taxpayer,” the farmer star of this video, keeps feeding supporting actor “Big Government” (normal-sized chicken) large portions of his paycheck (genetically modified Monsanto grain feed) forever. The chickens just get hungrier and hungrier, nothing is ever enough, and then they eat the American farmer fellow. And then at the end there is this video game hero-esque version of Herman Cain (above) standing atop a mountain, looking out over his fake kingdom.

And if you go to the website above, you get this message:

This is a We The People Movement! Tell us what you are Sick of to give us the theme for our video ad! Vote and share with your friends!

But you must be very sick of the things. Sick with a capital ‘S.’

The entirety of the script of the video, now:

LITTLE GIRL: This is the average American taxpayer.
LITTLE GIRL: This is the average American taxpayer feeding Big Government.
FARMER: (Feeds chicken. Feeds chicken some more.)
Chickens can be heard clucking in a maniacal way that sounds like…laughter?
CHICKENS: (Attack Farmer, poke Farmer’s eyes out, devour Farmer.)
FARMER: (Lying on ground.) (Screams. Pauses for comedic effect. Continues screaming.)
LITTLE GIRL: Any questions?
FARMER SKELETON: (Lying on ground, dead.) (Raises skeleton arm.)
LITTLE GIRL: Any questions?

Brilliant stuff:

So in case you missed the message, instead of giving money you don’t have because you are unemployed to the government, give it to Herman Cain, so that he can continue to make videos starring people who couldn’t even make it into their high school’s Intro to Improv course! [YouTube]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 139 comments }

nounverb911 April 12, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Are farmers the secret ingredient at Chick-Fil-A?

NorthStarSpanx April 12, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Maybe it was for Godfathers?

nounverb911 April 12, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Where's the smoking chicken?

Mumbletypeg April 12, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Aargh, you beat me.
Except I would've said "chain -smoking."
OT/ Herman's 'smoking man' has got nothing on this doctor, played in Exorcist-III by Scott Wilson, who got famous for the killer role that landed him on the cover of Life Mag 45 years ago today.
Wilson became a favorite offbeat character actor of mine with this chain-smoking scene.

Barb April 12, 2012 at 12:42 pm

That little girl is a menace to society.

nounverb911 April 12, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Denise the Menace?

freakishlywrong April 12, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Jared Loughner's mug shot didn't give me the night terrors that she does.

Barb April 12, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Yeah, this girl's parents would have no problem letting her go to a party at R. Kelly's house.

gullywompr April 12, 2012 at 1:14 pm

This is the "other people" that Herman Cain warned us about.

Negropolis April 13, 2012 at 1:54 am

Truly, death becomes her.

freakishlywrong April 12, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Are we dosing? And if so, can we get a better trip?

starfanglednut April 12, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I think it's the brown acid, freakish.

Negropolis April 13, 2012 at 1:55 am

Ever since they started putting the good cough syrup behind the counter, things just haven't been the same.

Mumbly_Joe April 12, 2012 at 12:43 pm

I do have a question:

What the fuck???

DahBoner April 12, 2012 at 6:52 pm

A: To get to the other side?

Nothingisamiss April 12, 2012 at 7:53 pm

What the fuck. Srsly. What the fuck.

MaxUdargo April 12, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Yeah, I have a question for the little girl too:

So, your point is that we shouldn't pay taxes for big government BECAUSE we should learn from the farmer's experience.

And that experience is this: farmers who feed their chickens are attacked, killed and eaten by them.

What the fuck, indeed.

If you're going to argue by analogy, doesn't the analogy have to make some sort of fucking sense? Farmers DO feed their chickens. And, no, this doesn't result in murderous, man-eating chickens. It results in things like eggs and drumsticks. A farmer who doesn't feed his livestock is not going to be a very successful farmer.

The more I think about this the more angry it makes me. Seriously, what the fuck? Is there no requirement anymore that right-wing arguments even be coherent? Have these people departed so completely from reality and anything resembling objective truth that they don't even understand how symbolic language works anymore? Just throw some shit together and make it scary, and then have a little girl at the end who asserts the meaning of it all and challenges you to disagree with her.

Farmers DO feed their fucking chickens. Fuckdamn it. You're not even making any fucking sense. And the way you're not making any fucking sense doesn't make any fucking sense. Are you just trying to drive us all crazy or something?

Fuck!

Generation[redacted] April 12, 2012 at 12:45 pm

So… eggs are farm subsidies then?

slithytoves April 12, 2012 at 12:45 pm

This is a We The People Movement!

I don't want to be with these people.

Radio福井県 April 12, 2012 at 12:51 pm

But I could use a good movement right about now.

sewollef April 12, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I'd rather be with, 'We the Other People Movement!'

Allmighty_Manos April 12, 2012 at 12:45 pm

YouTube commenter Cameron J. Kenworthy for the win: "My parents walked in while I was watching this, I really wish it had been porn on my screen instead… They just keep looking at me funny now."

Chet Kincaid April 12, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Awesome.

mavenmaven April 12, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Warning to future classmates: Do NOT jokingly make that girl prom queen and drop a bucket of pigs blood on her.

DerrickWildcat April 12, 2012 at 12:47 pm

That dude is reeeaaalllyyyy trying to get Mitt to appoint him to be the Head of the Department of Delicious Chicken Pizza.

SexySmurf April 12, 2012 at 12:48 pm

That farmer kinda looks like a skinnier Skoalrebel.

sharethegrief April 12, 2012 at 1:00 pm

And he gets his farm attire dry-cleaned.

Lascauxcaveman April 12, 2012 at 12:48 pm

As someone who keeps chickens I can assure you, were they large enough, ALL chickens would be man-eating chickens.

Low-budget or not, the director did a really good job of showing the true character of the velociraptor average chicken.

(But the farmer looked like a Mexican. What's up with that?)

Chet Kincaid April 12, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Private Dick, Innkeeper, Community Theater Performer and Chicken Famer?! The second Bob Newhart Show's got nothing on Lascauxcaveman!

Wile E. Quixote April 12, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Pay no mind to Chet, Lascauxcaveman. You just keep farming those chickens.

Lascauxcaveman April 12, 2012 at 4:01 pm

I don't know about that private dick thing, where'd you get that?

It's true, I'm not exactly an exhibitionist…

Chet Kincaid April 12, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Oh, it's just an old joke of mine you've completely forgotten.

Wile E. Quixote April 12, 2012 at 2:55 pm

(But the farmer looked like a Mexican. What's up with that?)

He looks kind of like George Zimmerman, I wonder if Zimmerman's lawyer (whoever that is today) will use this as a defense exhibit.

Callyson April 12, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Any questions?

Several, but I'll limit myself to two:

1. When are the people who came up with this video going to get the rehab they desperately need?

2. Capital WTF?

Oblios_Cap April 12, 2012 at 1:15 pm

No shit. It really managed to combine horrible production values with serious questions about its creators' mental states.

A modern classic!

Barb April 12, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Bones, cocks, peckers, a little girl, and stimulus. Herb Cain's mind is certainly a dark and whorey place.

And BALLZ!

Gleem McShineys April 12, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I envision a Wonkette Director's cut version.

His scream should be "no no NO, MRS. GOBBLECOCKS!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Chet Kincaid April 12, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Needs moar grinning Herb Cain in a top hat, molesting people into buying tickets for his grotesque and kinky traveling show.

George Spelvin April 12, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Something Stupid This Way Comes.

Lucidamente1 April 12, 2012 at 12:49 pm

After what's come to light with Herm and the ladies, I think it's safe to say he's been reduced to choking the chicken.

freakishlywrong April 12, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Bullshit. 64% of WHAT Americans think "big Government is the biggest threat to the country"? Horseshit.

BaldarTFlagass April 12, 2012 at 12:52 pm

That Breitbart site is really a threat to the republic.

Oblios_Cap April 12, 2012 at 1:16 pm

You have to take a course in GOP statistics. It's more commonly known as "pulling numbers out your ass".

trampndirtdown April 12, 2012 at 1:59 pm

That is a survey course at the College of I saw it on the Internets.

Chet Kincaid April 12, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Bullshit, horseshit Americans.

Radio福井県 April 12, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Funny, his pizza tastes like chicken feed too.

Jus_Wonderin April 12, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Doesn't SOS better describe his pizzas?

iburl April 12, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Which is the better way of taking attention away from a series of sex scandals:

A) Man eating Chickens
B) Shotgunning catapulted rabbits

sickofstimulus.com is still trying to figure that out. Won't you please donate today?

gurukalehuru April 12, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Don't forget the exhydrated fish.

BaldarTFlagass April 12, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I see that Santorum gave Herman one of his sweater vests.

widestanceromance April 12, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Must have still been dark when they got dressed.

gullywompr April 12, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I got a D on my student film too.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 12, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I always preferred the original Joe Dante version of Chicken from the late 70s.

Sharkey April 12, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Watch out little girl! They're coming for you next!

BaldarTFlagass April 12, 2012 at 12:52 pm

The chickens are the real farmers, you see, and the "farmer" represents government subsidies to real farmers.

Fare la Volpe April 12, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Don't worry, guys.

The queens got this one.

Jus_Wonderin April 12, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I have seen that and I approve!!

WiscDad April 12, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Let me guess…Russ Myers

BaldarTFlagass April 12, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Your move, Alfred Hitchcock.

Extemporanus April 12, 2012 at 12:53 pm
el_donaldo April 12, 2012 at 1:04 pm

I sadly have only one fist to give.

Extemporanus April 12, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Buhm-BOMPP!! Buhm-BOMPP!! Buhm-BOMPP!

(Part Deux, where the chicken heart makes its terrifying entrance.)

Mahousu April 12, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Here you go. Appropriate title, too.

Extemporanus April 12, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Dear Ma,

I think we need to have a little heart-to-heart.

<3 Ex

sullivanst April 12, 2012 at 12:53 pm

WTF is it with Herman Cain and snuff movies featuring animals?

SexySmurf April 12, 2012 at 12:56 pm

The man has a crush fetish.

sullivanst April 12, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I'm starting to think the ASPCA should be paying him a visit. Just to take a look-see.

BaldarTFlagass April 12, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Well, at least this time it was the human that got killed. PETA approves!

Mahousu April 12, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Like any true artist, he writes what he knows.

Fare la Volpe April 12, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Taking bets on which animal Herman's gonna kill in his next vid.

My money's on strangling a monkey – the noose is Obamacare, and the monkey is an American job creator (shits everywhere, steals all the bananas, writes beautiful Shakespeare)

SexySmurf April 12, 2012 at 1:01 pm

He's going to kill the most dangerous game of them all: MAN!

Actually, the most dangerous game is the hippopotamus. Hippos kill more people each year than any other animal.

Jus_Wonderin April 12, 2012 at 1:07 pm

"Hippos kill more people each year than any other animal."

It is probably caused by all that teasing about their weight. People, please be kind!

WiscDad April 12, 2012 at 1:24 pm

More like choking a chicken

owhatever April 12, 2012 at 12:57 pm

EAT MOR CHIKN

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 12, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Is this because black people like fried chicken?

BaldarTFlagass April 12, 2012 at 1:14 pm

The farmer is lucky he didn't get attacked by a bowl of macaroni and cheese.

GunToting[Redacted] April 12, 2012 at 1:38 pm

With a big glass of MF'ing iced tea!

DaRooster April 12, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Kool-Aid

Fare la Volpe April 12, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Add a large pepperoni and you've got a Godfather's Family Meal!

Chet Kincaid April 12, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Macaroni and Cheese is from the Motherland, where it is called Wopfolaya by the Susu people, and Guineakinea by the Fulani. The white man does not want you to know this!!

natoslug April 12, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Damn. If it weren't for Obamacare, Cain could have had his neurosyphilis treated in time.

Fare la Volpe April 12, 2012 at 12:59 pm

So Herman's message is that the government wants to kill you and everyone you love…

…so let him run it?

CommieLibunatic April 12, 2012 at 1:08 pm

That's what confuses me so much about these small government goons. What sane person would hire somebody who admits freely in their interview that they want to destroy the company?

Baconzgood April 12, 2012 at 1:00 pm
BaldarTFlagass April 12, 2012 at 1:03 pm

The 70s were so fucking awesome.

George Spelvin April 12, 2012 at 3:13 pm

If he just had a big enough grill, it could be Yaki-Tori of the Gods.

James Michael Curley April 12, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Communist Party USA offended to be called Congressmen. http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0412/75037.h

Radio福井県 April 12, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Fucking hilarious.

IncenseDebate April 12, 2012 at 1:01 pm

What the cluck?

Sharkey April 12, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Not quite the emotional impact as this one.

anniegetyerfun April 12, 2012 at 1:01 pm
JustPixelz April 12, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Alfred Hitchcock saw this one coming from a mile away.

I don't blame those future McNuggets for getting a little peckish with the average American taxpayer.

In this objet d'art, the corn is Social Security, the bucket is China, the little girl is Herman Cain. Any questions?

Chet Kincaid April 12, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Objet da fuck?!

SorosBot April 12, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Keep fucking that chicken.

spends2much April 12, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Can we get a GOP Big Brother or Survivor show going? I would really enjoy spending say, Tuesday night (my regular Abortion Night) watching Herman, Rick, Rick, Newt, and the two hot crazies Michele and Sarah fight it out for air time and cash prizes, all while I read Communist literature and throw darts at my Jeebus dart board. That's what all liberals do on Tuesdays, is my understanding.

Jus_Wonderin April 12, 2012 at 1:11 pm

I always have my Spending Hawk meetings on Tuesday. So, I had to move Liberal Tuesday to Wednesday. Hell, I wasn't going to Bible Study anyway.

yrbmegr April 12, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Rush or GTFO

Chet Kincaid April 12, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Already canceled. It was called "The Republican Debates."

CommieLibunatic April 12, 2012 at 1:06 pm

For the love of sweet Lucifer, will someone PLEASE take away Herman's video camera!?

IncenseDebate April 12, 2012 at 1:09 pm

So, don't put all your farmers in one basket?

Generation[redacted] April 12, 2012 at 1:19 pm

It's no use closing the barn door when giant chickens have come home to roost.

Oblios_Cap April 12, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Tell us what you are Sick of to give us the theme for our video ad!

I'm sick of stupid Herman Cain videos. For the love of God, man!

Goonemeritus April 12, 2012 at 1:11 pm

I’m not a Federal worker but this seems a rather apt analogy to me. Like chickens most Federal workers offices are very small and they rarely have the option of flying the coop.

BaldarTFlagass April 12, 2012 at 1:26 pm

And let me add that it can be a real chickenshit operation.

JustPixelz April 12, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Technically, the average American taxpayer does not wear coveralls. Or have chickens without a breaded and fried coating.

yrbmegr April 12, 2012 at 1:14 pm

That chicken has been eating 20% of the farmer's feed for the last 50 years. When do we get around to eating the farmer?

MadBrahms April 12, 2012 at 1:16 pm

"Any questions?"

Yes, is the chicken going to flip out and destroy their kitchen because of heroin abuse?

SaintRond April 12, 2012 at 1:18 pm

It's an analogy about poor people with beaks.

OneYieldRegular April 12, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Worst. Remake. Of Children of the Corn. Ever.

chicken_thief April 12, 2012 at 1:19 pm

First the chickens came for my eyes, and I said nothing….

Negropolis April 13, 2012 at 2:03 am

Bumped for WIN.

SayItWithWookies April 12, 2012 at 1:20 pm

This shit never happens with tofu.

Generation[redacted] April 12, 2012 at 1:22 pm

It does if it's government tofu.

Generation[redacted] April 12, 2012 at 1:21 pm

9 piece chicken dinner seasoned with 9 spices, with 9 sides for $9.99

barto April 12, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Note to casting – don't spread the word on farmer boy.

DaRooster April 12, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Mmmm… chicken.

FraAnima April 12, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Here's my suggestion for the remake: for "Big Government" use a sounder of hungry feral pigs, and for the "average American taxpayer" use Herman Cain. Roll cameras.

biblioteq_tress April 12, 2012 at 1:25 pm

58% of the Frank Perdue Jr. political donations went to Republican candidates. Not anymore, Mr. Cain, not anymore…
http://www.newsmeat.com/ceo_political_donations/F

valgal2342 April 12, 2012 at 1:25 pm

'Bout time chickens got their revenge since we've been eating them and their fetuses for all these years.

valgal2342 April 12, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Stupid human, you don't go into a cock fight without a finely sharpened spur.

Ducksworthy April 12, 2012 at 1:33 pm

So… the message is:" Black chickens are dangerous. Do not feed them,"???

Antispandex April 12, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Didn't Orwell already do this plot?

Sharkey April 12, 2012 at 1:57 pm

So this is why the chicken crossed the road.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 12, 2012 at 2:09 pm

PETA is going to have to start going after Herman Cain

trampndirtdown April 12, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Low budget? I'm sure ol Herm got paid plenty from his PAC for producing this masterpiece.

gurukalehuru April 12, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Soylent Green is taxpayers!

Chet Kincaid April 12, 2012 at 2:36 pm

My Fellow Villagers!! What is the connection between all these strange and dreadful events? THE GIRL CHILD!! We must destroy the Girl Child!!

James Michael Curley April 12, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Watching that video with the sound off all I get is some creepy little girl using her powers over chickens to kill her older brother and then she goes out into some corn field while a back woods old boy looks out over a valley for more unsuspecting city dupes canoeing down a river.

Chet Kincaid April 12, 2012 at 3:08 pm

David Lynch is just repeating himself now.

DetectiveGrey April 12, 2012 at 2:42 pm

I have to say, watching it without sound turned this from depressing to best video on Youtube.

Chet Kincaid April 12, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Bubba Watson's Home Video Youtube Channel.

Wile E. Quixote April 12, 2012 at 2:50 pm

"But if the liberals would let us pass a 'stand your ground law' and
would make it easier to get concealed weapons permits without having
to undergo inconvenient background checks then farmers would be able to
carry guns to defend themselves and wouldn't have to worry about
being attacked, killed and eaten by vicious black
chickens."

This ad bought to you by the National Rifle Association, the American Legislative Exchange Council and Tyson Chicken.

Wile E. Quixote April 12, 2012 at 3:54 pm

This video would be a great accompaniment to John Derbyshire's first article for his new employer, White Supremacist Poultry Breeder's Monthly. The Talk: Non-Chicken Version:

(9) A small cohort of chickens—in my experience, around five percent—is
ferociously hostile to human-beings and will go to great
lengths to inconvenience or harm us. A much larger cohort of
chickens—around half—will go along passively if the five percent
take leadership in some event. They will do this out of poultry solidarity,
the natural willingness of most chickens to be led, and a vague
feeling that human beings have it coming.

(10a) Avoid concentrations of chickens not all known to you personally.

(10b) Stay out of chicken pens.

(10d) Do not attend events likely to draw a lot of chickens.

(10e) If you are out in the barnyard and the number of chickens
suddenly swells,
leave as quickly as possible.

Wile E. Quixote April 12, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Fuckin Herman Cain, now he's just ripping off Seth MacFarlane.

Gleem McShineys April 12, 2012 at 4:29 pm

God I love that woman.

DahBoner April 12, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Whoa Dude, that video is like XTRA CRISPY, XTRA SALT, XTRA MSG!!!!

Negropolis April 13, 2012 at 1:53 am

No. No. This can't be. The ads are actually getting…getting…worse. I mean, the acting, the production value, the whole shebang.

Negropolis April 13, 2012 at 2:06 am

This reminded my of Hitchcock…if Hitchcock had been a talentless hack.

ttommyunger April 14, 2012 at 10:15 am

You just can't quit us, can you Herman? Move on, son; it's over.

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