FUNNY VP WATCH: What Could Go Wrong With a Lindsay Graham Pick?

I'm going to be a star!Welcome to FUNNY VP WATCH, where we share FUNNY VP suggestions from clueless pundits! Here is Denny Freidenrich, a likely liberal prankster posing as “founder” of “First Strategies consulting,” making a spirited case for the selection of Sen. Lindsay Graham in The Hill: “He embodies the best of Santorum, Gingrich, Ryan, et. al. without their negatives. This means he can help generate enthusiasm and votes for Romney coast to coast.” The whole column is hilarious like this; he clearly has no idea. Denny, Denny, Denny. Haven’t you heard the dirt on Graham’s wife? No? Then here it is: he’s never had one. Please pick Lindsay Graham!

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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    1. chascates

      That retired Lt. General who said the Muslims had a false god who will get His ass whipped by our real God? Boykin?

  1. Barb

    I think it's time Linsey Graham released a straight sex porno. It's his only chance at redemption.

  2. anniegetyerfun

    There are so many fantastic possibilities for a veep pick, but I think Lindsey would be my absolute favorite.

      1. Veritas78

        Well, Mitt's favorite adjective is "marvelous!" so they might have something in common, beyond being fatuous douchebags and wearing ironed jeans.

  3. Buzz Feedback

    "Hit in the chin with more balls than Pete Rose" will be tough to fit on a bumper sticker.

    1. not that Dewey

      Hmm…I wonder what the thoughtful commenters over at FoxNation have to say about this. [pause] HOLY CRAP!

      rockthevote2012 Just now

      Ahhhhhhhhhh we must have Zimmerman become the sacrificial lamb
      to keep the natives happy. We are to ignore the over 1000 whites murdered by b1acks annually in order to keep the peace among b1acks and whites by allowing the Court to find Zimmerman guilty; and if Zimmerman is found guilty then as many as 58 innocent people will be ki11ed in riots by the jigabooos, much like the Rodney King trial. Do you all remember?

      And do you all remember that the jigaboos responsible for
      those ki11ings were never brought to justice because of the white Liberal
      scum_bag Politicians that are only concerned with being re elected.

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        We are to ignore the over 1000 whites murdered by b1acks annually in order to keep the peace among b1acks and whites by allowing the Court to find Zimmerman guilty;

        Yeah, I guess that the arrest of George Zimmerman means that the police will be giving blahs a free pass to kill white folks for the rest of the year. "Sorry ma'am, I'd love to arrest the man who shot your husband, but he's blah and you're white and we've been required to ignore that sort of thing ever since George Zimmerman was arrested. Oh, and if you keep making a scene about it I'm going to have to arrest you for a hate crime."

        I swear to God, if the DLC weren't' ball-less and brain-less they'd be taking screenshots of comments like this and using them in ads that said nothing more than "if you don't vote in November these fuckheads win.".

        1. not that Dewey

          Judging from this very reasonable person's spelling, the FoxNation moderators apparently filter the word "blacks" but not the word "jigaboos". If the Fox Mole survives until tomorrow, perhaps we will learn more about their commenting policy, what is and what is not Totally Libelous over there.

          Now, in 2012, arresting a murderer for murdering is the exact equivalent of inciting a race war. There was no mention of this in the previous ~230 years of American jurisprudence.

          1. user-of-owls

            if Zimmerman is found guilty then as many as 58 innocent people will be ki11ed

            I was struck by our modern-day Socrates' quantitative acumen. And though it pains me to say it, I'm a bit relieved that 59 innocents will die, or heaven forfend, as many as 60! Because that would surely be a buzzk11l.

          2. not that Dewey

            Perhaps y0u're right. But one of the instances of that word has three zeroes, while the next has only two, and they all have the aspect of an "o".

            It may still be there; I can only view 10 comments per page, and there have been 1,200 comments since then. I refuse to spend that much time paging through Fox comments, even for a Golden Screen Capture.

          3. Fare la Volpe

            Can you think of a human being alive who is old enough to have used "jigaboo" as a word?

            It'd be like trying to filter for "blackamoor" or "jezebel."

          4. BaldarTFlagass

            I think the first time I heard that word was in the song "I'm Black/Colored Spade" on the soundtrack to the musical "Hair," back around 1971. That was a real eye(ear?)-opener.

      2. Doktor StrangeZoom

        Appeasement to 12.6% of society who actually commit 50.4% of all homicides.


        You nitwits can debate one another all you want… As for me, I am buying more ammo.

        Yep, they're pretty much the acme of reason over there.

        1. McDonnellville

          "You nitwits can debate one another all you want… As for me, I am buying more ammo."

          Translation: "Second amendment solutions solve all my problems. Just ask my family, neighbors, & coworkers when I've had a bad day & decide to relieve my stress by shooting at them."

      3. McDonnellville

        "…to keep the natives happy." Now I'm confused. Do they mean the Cherokee? When did they get mixed up in this?

      4. Doktor StrangeZoom

        Big surprise–that comment's no longer visible. But someone (possibly the same guy; note the attempted filter-eluding spe11ing) did post this helpful reply:

        BTW Rodney King wasn’t ki11ed he was only beaten; and he deserved every bit of that whooping and more. Rodney was a known ten time loser, and a treat to society, and to b1acks more so. And you want me to be nice to the b1ack bastardo.

        I, for one, would love to be a treat to society.

        1. not that Dewey

          The site has now replaced the Zimmerman-mugshot-overlaid-with-Surveyor's-Marks with a less, um… editorial version of the mugshot. I totally blew it on this one. If I hadn't been racing out the door as I hit ctrl-v, I would have captured the awesomeness that was Fox's (now shamefully removed) "coverage". The original headline included the phrase "call off the posse", or something equally dogwhistly.

          EDIT: Correction. It was Breitbart, and not FoxNation, that used the phrase "call off the posse" and put Surveyor's Marks on the mugshot. My apologies, FoxNation, for mischaracterizing you as dog-whistlers. You guys are overt racists.

      5. Callyson

        Hell to the no–I am not going anywhere near that site. I am trying to do *less* drinking, not more…

      6. ElPinche

        Who said that? Matthew Boyle , Tucker Carlson? ..their writing styles are about the same.

  4. OneYieldRegular

    If we could manage to elect a half-white, half-black President, then electing a half-straight, half-gay VP might just be doable.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        He didn't mention Lindsay at all. In fact he said "half straight" which pretty much rules Lindsay out, wouldn't you say?

        I'm thinking he's considering the likes of elder statesmen Bowie or Jagger?

  5. CogitoErgoBibo

    Please, oh please, let there be incriminating pictures of Lindsay Graham and Michele Bachmann's husband at least antiquing or watching "Spartacus" together.

    1. McDonnellville

      Or pics of Marcus trying to "de-gay" Lindsay (I've heard rumors that it involves a poorly lit basement somewhere with various apparatuses that hang from the beams).

  6. KennyFuckingPowers

    Russert's kid is equally unqualified. To look at that kid and see talent is like looking at Lindsay " the Walker" Graham and seeing machismo.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I look at Luke Russert and the only thing I think is "spring break."

      Lest anyone think I'm being too hard on the young man, remind yourself that when he was Luke's age, Chris Hayes was being chosen to succeed David Corn as Washington Editor of The Nation.

  7. LesBontemps

    Eh, give it to Sarah Palin. It's not like there's anything that could actually help this campaign.

  8. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Very clever. This would certainly guarantee the coveted ham biscuit single issue voter.

  9. Nostrildamus

    He embodies the best of Santorum, Gingrich, Ryan, et. al.

    embodies = carries within his body

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Doesn't sound like any more trouble than most Republicans are in. And he might be able to save Bristol from her trial marriage. He looks like her type.

  10. BklynIlluminati

    Well at least the campaign will have better music and be catered better, most definitely have better interior design MY STARS i just cant wait

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Damn! I've been trying all evening to come up with something amusing about Mitt standing behind Lindsey 1000 percent because it's safer that way but it just isn't happening.

  11. Guppy

    He embodies the best of Santorum, Gingrich, Ryan, et. al. without their negatives.

    Considering that all three have nothing but negatives, this is actually a factual statement.

    1. McDonnellville

      If so, GOProud would get into a pissy Twatter catfight that they should get the credit.

  12. bumfug

    It was bad enough when Spiro Agnew was found in the White House with a sack full of cash in his hands – how would it look for the VP to get caught with a sack full of balls in his mouth?

  13. littlebigdaddy

    Lindsay's been putting on weight lately. I think he should lay off the organ meats! Wokka wokka!

  14. WiscDad

    Miss Lindsay for VP…woohoo…talk to the HAND you BITCH…not that one…it's full of Santorum

      1. johnnyzhivago

        I was sure it was Murdoch himself, going completely mad.

        I was once involved in something at Fox once (contributed to a script), and the agreement I remember signing included things like clauses in the event of an natural disaster, war, alien invasions…. It will be interesting to see what unfolds….

        1. Blueb4sunrise

          I dunno, I suspect he signed something that says he agrees to not do what he's about to do. Unless he's got nuthin' and it's all Gawker bullshit.

          I also suspect that wingers are already shouting comparisons to O'Keefe

  15. iburl

    "He embodies the best of Santorum, Gingrich, Ryan."

    So he's a grandiose christofascist with an unyielding passion for punishing poor people?

    Actually, yeah, sounds like every Republican out there.

    1. NYNYNYjr

      no, that's worst of each…they mean he's a uh…family man with pretty fluffy white hair and nice suits. No that doesn't work either.

  16. Boojum

    How is Lindsay different from Elizabeth II? One of them is an ancient Queen; the other is British royalty.

  17. IceCreamEmpress

    But look at all of America's great gah presidents!

    Oh, whoops. Thanks a lot, James Buchanan, you fucked it up for the gahs as well as breaking the country.

  18. Exhausted66

    I really wish the most logical candidate for VP had a last name like Care. That would make an epic bumper sticker.

  19. ttommyunger

    If Lindsay looks perpetually tired, it's because of the J. Edgar Hoover syndrome he suffers from: he can neither sleep or rest for constant fear of being publicly outed. I'm reluctant to admit this, but I feel sorry for him.

  20. LetUsBray

    Non-Lohan Lindsay isn't remotely Rethug VP material, since he just isn't batshit mouth-foaming puppy-devouring insane enough to make up for Willard's inadequacies in the eyes of the Teabagging base. It'll be someone like Sam Brownshirt, I'm guessing.

    1. Limeylizzie

      Oh God, I hate that person, but you may be right as Mittens has to gin up the base, how about Tom Tancredo? Mitt / Shit 2012.

    2. IceCreamEmpress

      Brownshirt's a Cahthlah. I think a Mahmah/Cathlah ticket would be too alienating to the Evangelical base.

      1. Negropolis

        Yeah, but of the three major candidates that were left (sorry spooky Dr. Paul), it was nothing but Catholics and Mormons all the way down.

        At the moment, the party's motto is: "Any stick to be a blah."

    3. Wile E. Quixote

      Hey, Rick Perry is available, and he's an evangelical and he's all about the Jeebus. Sure, he's dumb as a stump, but wing nuts like Erick Erickspawn over at Red State are totally ghey for Perry.

  21. Negropolis

    Lindsay needs to be caught with a "live girl" if this thing is to work.

    Speaking of South Carolina, is a "Charleston Chew" a sex act, down there?

          1. Negropolis

            I admit I'd have ran it into the ground, too. I'm still a sucker for LOLcats, so I'd have liked to have seen much more texts from Hillary.

            But, when someone does something this rare — quitting at the peak of power — I have to respect it if only because it's so rare.

      1. Designer_Rants

        I don't see room for this "grace" on the internetz. Needz moar meme!

        But at least the creators of the meme will always be remembered for… what were we talking about?

    1. Terry

      Allen West would be marvelous, as well. Imagine him going coast to coast with an open microphone on him nearly constantly. Hilarity would ensure.

      1. Nothingisamiss

        Living in the south is hard enough without this hate filled douchebag! I'd be laughing with the wonketteers while outside my neighbors burned a cross on my lawn..

  22. SayItWithWookies

    Mitt's gonna have a harder time than John McCain did picking a running mate — I'm betting his first choice is a non-white or non-male teabagger, which means his choices are narrowed down to Jeanne Schmidt or Allen West — the only thing that would make it better would be if he picked "My Heart Will Go On" as the campaign theme song.

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      Ha! You're not wrong there. Willard has to pick a womb-owner for VP to do something about his godawful figures amongst women voters, where he's dying for good reason.

      Maybe he won't though. Maybe he'll go black, or maybe he'll go hispanic.

      Whichever way he throws that idea he looks like a pandering fuck because he is.

      Then again, he might opt for a standard boring white guy with strong conservative credentials because dog knows he doesn't have them himself.

      This election season will be entertaining and I just hope that Hopey gets a second chance and is less feckless in his second term.

      1. BarackMyWorld

        Just like in 2008, there's a very short list of anti-abortion women who are ready to be president. Just about every female Republican governor or senator that's been there more than 5 minutes is pro-choice.

        1. not that Dewey

          The one exception is NM's Susanna Martinez, over whom all the "beltway insiders" and assorted Morning Joe analysts are salivating. She has made it clear that she's not interested.

          She would have been the baggers' Dream Candidate — anti-abortion, anti-education, pro-jail. And she would have collapsed in the VP debate the minute Joe opened his mouth.

      2. C_R_Eature

        It's going to be Liz Cheney. *Shudder*
        My Nightmare this morning was that Dick was coming back, but I think Liz is actually angling for some sort of Pol. position – maybe not now, but certainly in '16. I wouldn't be at all surprised if a President Mittens would be strongarmed into appointing her to some nightmare position, like Ambassador to the UN or Secretary of State.
        Just one more reason to keep Mitt out of office – all the people who were catastrophic failures in office during the Bush Administration will be "back, Baby!"
        Condi Rice, also.
        Just the thought of these people coming back is making me nauseous.

        And, it is good to see you back, Fukui. I wish you and yours better things, from now on.

      3. not that Dewey

        We all saw what happened the LAST time everyone thought that there were rules regarding choosing republican VP candidates.

      4. Deportably_Jose

        This has been pretty much my prediction as well, and why I've been actually more eager for a Mittens nomination than any of the other wingnuts who were running. A Mittens who exits the primary damaged, and needs to shore up the right-wing base and makes a veep decision based on the same, and is thus torn between appealing to an electorate that is substantial more moderate on average, and the continued rightward tug of a wary base, is basically begging for a repeat of 2008. A winger like Santorum or Gingrich would've had plenty of space to try and package themselves as somewhat mainstream, while winking to their own base, and Romney can ill afford to at this point.

        Expect unforced errors galore.

  23. C_R_Eature

    No. Mitt's Vice Presidential pick will be Richard Bruce Cheney.

    He's Tanned. He's Rested. He's Ready. He's got a new heart and he's willing to not use it.

    Cheney/Romney Romney/Cheney 2012: "Go F*uck Yourselves, Liberals!"

  24. cheetojeebus

    mince meat.
    more likely a 'bagger born with silver dog whistle in his mouth. Gotta keep the 'base' energized!

  25. DahBoner

    That's because no woman is good enough for him!

    Am I talking about Romney?

    Or Ham Biscuits?

    Or perhaps Condaleesa Rice????

  26. BaldarTFlagass

    So this morning, I overhear a couple of my Foxt*rd colleagues discussing the "race" for the Republican prez nomination, in quite serious tones, and as if the Repub candidate is actually going to have a chance. They really seem to believe this. It was all I could do to not burst out laughing.

  27. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    I don't care who Romney picks. But watch his campaign implode in in-fighting over who didn't vet the veep well, when he gets body-slammed by a blah in November.

  28. elgin_pelican

    Is his stance wide enough to encompass crucial swing voters? That's the question on Castro Street!

  29. Tundra Grifter

    Jim – You appear to be suggesting we all know where to find Mrs. Graham.

    It's Mr. Graham that remains to be located.

  30. Tundra Grifter

    Dude just didn't make it very hard. He downloaded the video from the work computer and then sent it to Gawker.

    All ClusterFox had to do was look and see which employees had recently accessed that video – as Cool Hand Luke pointed out, just dang fine police work right there.

    I'm not an expert, but it's pretty obvious he wanted to get caught and be forced out. I'm just sorry he didn't play out the string longer, allowing for considerable collateral damage to take place.

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