knock my bitch up

States With ‘Abstinence Only’ Sex-Ed Continue To Knock Their Teens Up The Biggest

Bristol is definitely not pregnant in this pictureTeen pregnancy, as everyone knows, is the surest route to emotional health and economic security. And — would you believe it? — the latest numbers show that states with the highest teen pregnancy rates (which are all states with abstinence-only sex-ed) continue to impregnate their li’l Ashleys and Emmas at a rate that’s almost twice the national average! This is excellent news for Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who just signed into law an “abstinence only” sex ed bill: Soon his state will have lots of preggo teen girls, and they can all get arrested for smoking crack on that MTV show, if it is still on, and if it is not, surely they will all be picked to go on Dancing With The Stars.

The legislation signed by Walker would promote abstinence as the only reliable way to prevent pregnancy and sexually-transmitted diseases, teaches the positive socioeconomic benefits of marriage, and adds discussion of bullying to the sex education curriculum school districts may use.

The bill, sponsored by Republican state Sen. Mary Lazich, repeals the Healthy Youth Act passed by Wisconsin legislators in 2010, when Democrats controlled state government. Specifically, this means that the “health benefits, side effects, and proper use of contraceptives” will no longer be taught in schools.

EXCELLENT. As more and more states go abstinence-only, we can get our (white) teen birthrate back on track, as unfortunately it has fallen to its lowest point since 1940.

Nationally, the rate fell 9 percent to about 34 per 1,000 girls ages 15 through 19, and the drop was seen among all racial and ethnic groups. Mississippi continues to have the highest teen birth rate, with 55 births per 1,000 girls. New Hampshire has the lowest rate at just under 16 births per 1,000 girls.

Obviously B. Hussein Obama is to blame for this shift away from our traditional values of settling teen girls down before they get any funny ideas like going to college or earning equal pay for equal work. Abstinence-only for everyone please! We like our mothers the old-fashioned way: teenaged, surly, and hitting the rock. [EdWeek/ThinkProgress]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Where da white wimmin at?

    • nounverb911

      Betty White?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Dude. Really? REALLY? Had to go harsh my mellow?

        AND STOP JUDGING ME!

    • sullivanst

      The delivery room.

      And if not, why not?

  • nounverb911

    Is Bristol their poster child?

    • Negropolis

      Pin-up model.

  • finallyhappy

    Bristol and Levi can be the spokespersons. I mean, they both cashed in on abstinence only education

  • SorosBot

    Let's face it, any woman who graduates high school without a baby is an unfuckable old maid.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I'd love to spend the rest of the century proving you wrong about the "unfuckable" part

      ROAD TRIP!

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      That is my plan for my girls. shhhhh.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I think I speak for the het male population of Wonkette when I say "Let me help!"

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Awww, that's sweet.

    • MissTaken

      I cannot tell you how much it broke my heart to reach my 36th birthday and not have a grandkid to show for it.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Don't worry, Bristol. You can do it!

      • SorosBot

        Yeah, I don't know how I let myself get involved with an old maid like you who not only has reached 36 without grandkids, but hasn't even bred once.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Must be painful, all that tightness…

          • Negropolis

            That's hot.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          I'm so confused! What about her husband and soccer errands?!

    • orygoon

      How about, say, two or three abortions?

    • commiegirl

      Derb?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    This is clearly unpossible! All those good Christian girls who can't won't use birth control can't be having sex!

    • nounverb911

      Needs more euphemisms.

    • DaRooster

      Immaculate Libel!!

  • Schmannnity

    Abstinence only + no contraception coverage = babies.

    • DetectiveGrey

      This is one instance of Simple Math that the wingnuts won't get.

    • SoBeach

      No one can explain it.

    • TheGyrus

      Abortions, too!

    • mormos

      wait, that's how it works? sorry, my school was abstinence only and never taught me how is babby formed.

  • Baconzgood

    At least Mississippi leads in somthing….GLASSES 1/2 FULL HERE PEOPLE!!!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Also, number of "i"s in state name. Too.

    • Wilcoxyz

      With the easy access to booze we have here in Louisiana, I don't know how we lost to Mississippi. I guess it's the high tolerance our young ladies have for booze.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Yea, hi, here's the thing: no booze=boredom=moar sexy time

    • Negropolis

      Mississippi leads in a lot of things I bet they wish they didn't. That glass is damn-near overflowing with "WIN".

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Ahhh, yes. A handle of Captain Morgan and no education. A recipe for pregnancy…

  • DaRooster

    "Mississippi continues to have the highest teen birth rate, with 55 births per 1,000 girls."

    Well… they do live in Mississippi… so their lives are pretty much over any how.

    • elviouslyqueer

      IGNORANT COWFUCKING RACIST OBESE POVERTY-STRICKEN STATE LIBEL.

  • Baconzgood

    "adds discussion of bullying to the sex education curriculum"=picking on fags till they kill themselves is just hunkey-dorry.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Everybody, stop start fuckin'!!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Ohjeez! Is this going to be a competition? I don't perform well under pressure. Can I just fap instead?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Can we olds just have a contest that involves only memories and lying?

      • Toomush_Infer

        I like to think of it as grazing…

    • bagofmice

      I can totally hear a Miami breaks style booty bass song where the lyrical hook is "stop, drop, an start fuckin". It's almost as good as "baby got back."

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Telling teenagers that they can't do something has worked well since the beginning of time like when God told that dumbass Adam not to eat the fucking apple.

    • niblick77

      Yeah, and how did Jesus' mother get pregnant. Talk about abstinence only fail.

      • Generation[redacted]

        All the village men who had been spotted with her agreed, it had to be a miracle virgin birth. Yep.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Girls in occupied countries are always getting into trouble.

    • SoBeach

      "Telling teenagers that they can't do something has worked well since the beginning of time…"

      …and telling people they shouldn't have sex is about as useful as ordering the sun not to rise.

      • Negropolis

        Yeah, that was the point. lol

  • chascates

    Abstaining from using birth control, not abstaining from sex.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    If they taught blowjobs, yodeling up the canyon, and buttsex in school, the teen pregnancy rate would really take a nosedive. No one ever got pregnant from a facial.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      What if…and I'm just brainstorming here…what if you gave a facial to one girl who then immediately ended up with another cooch sat on her face?

      Never thought of THAT, didja son?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I don't think that three-ways would be covered in "abstinence only" sex-ed.

        • gout

          That is why brownbacking is the only reliable form of birth control.

      • DetectiveGrey

        That's about as plausible as a man ejaculating into a woman, who immediately did a lesbian scissor scene in which the second woman got pregnant.

        We need to research this. Right now.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          *putting on lab coat*

          Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ahead of ya…

          • Crank_Tango

            let me fetch my goggles…not sure why I might need them, but just in case.

    • UnholyMoses

      INTEREST!

      Website? Newsletter?

    • littlebigdaddy

      These teens really need to read Wonkette–they would know ALL about these things of which you speak.

  • Baconzgood

    Sluts in Mississippi? Now I don't know what to think of the south.

    • ChernobylSoup

      Don't call them sluts. It's not their fault they have so many brothers.

  • AlterNewt

    Abstinence makes the hard grow fonder.

    • Not_So_Much

      Fond grow harder?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I'm fond of harder

        • Doktor StrangeZoom

          The fondlers grow foundlings.

          • AlterNewt

            It's the Circle of Slut.

      • ProgressiveInga

        Jane Fonda's promoting abstinence? wtf, I thought she was helping teens in Georgia understand sexytime by giving them the real 4-1-1……….?

  • DaRooster

    So apparently young, drunk and pregnant is a way to go through life.

    • Negropolis

      But, only if you're white and rich.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Abstinence? I wish conservatives would abstain…from voting. Jeez, counterproductive* much?

    *See also: economic policies, conservative; foreign policy, conservative; social policy, conservative.

  • mavenmaven

    As Walker continues to dick over Wisconsin…

    • CommieLibunatic

      With the way the recall is going, I think this is his interpretation of trashing the hotel room before he checks out.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Better known as buttsex and blowjob only sex education.

    • CommieLibunatic

      Purity rings were already pretty much a signal that read "I give anal on a first date."

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      What? Skullfucking is off the table now?

      • widestanceromance

        Done professionally, yes; off the table and all over the floor.

    • hagajim

      Problem is, if they don't have any edumucation then they won't knows which hole to put it in…thus preggers.

  • Callyson

    Oh, for fuck's sake.

  • Baconzgood

    We don't need a condom. I don't have any STD's and I swear that I'll pull out before I cum Mississippi.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    If only the Government in Ol' Miss would swing just a little socialist and give out free aspirin. Problem solved.

  • Oblios_Cap

    That picture makes my manly bits tingle!

    • BarackMyWorld

      Or they would if they were older. RIGHT???

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Hey, this is a mommyblog, we assume they've been vetted.

        • Oblios_Cap

          Old enough to drink, old enough not to think!

    • UnholyMoses

      I would find it quite easy to masturbate to, if I were asked such a question.

      Of course, no one did, but … ya know …

  • Antispandex

    Because nothing says "come and fuck me" like the chance to ruin you life? Hummm. No, that can't be it. OH, I know! It could be that young healthy people in their sexual prime are going to attemp to mate no matter how much the religitards hate sex, or the feminists want everyone to wait, till they are too old to have babies, to start trying (because every sperm and egg should go to college first)! Maybe, and I'm spit balling here, maybe we should strive to create opportunities for younger people…so it won't ruin their lives to do what they are supposed to be doing.

    • SayItWithWookies

      So — bring back the draft?

    • SoBeach

      "It could be that young healthy people in their sexual prime are going to attemp to mate…"

      Now now. It's never worked in the entire history of humanity, but THIS time people might just be able to stop other people from getting it on.

    • mormos

      clearly they just need to be spayed and neutered. problem solved.

      • Doktor StrangeZoom

        From my perspective behind the Family Court reception desk, widespread human spay-n-neutering would prevent any number of problems.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    More teen pregnencies equals more abortions. Our evil plan is finally coming to fruition.

    • LesBontemps

      Volume discounts at the Abortionplex!

      • VaWyo

        Does the Abortionplex have franchise opportunities? I'd like to get in on that action. Who needs a defined benefit plan and 401(k) match? I'll fund my retirement with the results of all that abstinence only eduction. Cha ching!

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Dibs on the Tunica franchise!

  • OneYieldRegular

    These idiots need to realize that not just anyone can be abstinent like Jesus' teen mom.

  • Barb

    No way am I going to talk about sex. I sent Jeff a racy text an hour ago and it seems that his boss received it. I'd laugh it off if his boss wasn't coming over tonight for a party. The mind boggles.

    • Steverino247

      Threesome? Promotion?

      • Barb

        Lol Steve, if Jeff gets promoted he will have his bosses job.

        • Steverino247

          So, we'll just replace "fuck up, move up" with "Fuck Barb, move up." Works for Jeff, I'm sure.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Uh oh. I've seen this movie. Beware the cameraman and the dwarf. Also, be ready to wear blue panties.

    • widestanceromance

      Well, did he reply? Inquiring minds and all that.

      • Barb

        Yes, he did. He texted me and asked what kind of cake I was making. I replied:
        "lemon curd and coconut, doesn't matter I'm going to &%*# the taste right out of your mouth when you get home" Just as I hit SEND I noticed the text wasn't from Jeff. The reply was:
        "I'll tell Jeff to expect you."
        It's okay, I don't embarrass easily.

        • Limeylizzie

          I love you.

          • Barb

            Love ya back, Sis.

          • Limeylizzie

            What say you and I slather ourselves with lemon curd then roll around in coconut and surprise the boss?

          • Barb

            That's the best idea I've heard all day!

          • DaRooster

            OK! STOP IT!!

            (Be right back)

          • Barb

            DaRooster, wash hands before returning to keyboard, please.

          • DaRooster

            I know where that has been…

        • widestanceromance

          So, that's the recipe for those cakes we like!

          • emmelemm

            Nice.

        • SorosBot

          Oh my.

        • emmelemm

          That's awesome. "Ooops."

        • commiegirl

          How great was the boss's response though? He approves of you loving to fuck your husband. Clearly Jeff's bringing a happy attitude to work.

          • Barb

            Yes, Jeff brings the happiness. He made 97.5 million for his company last year.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Why was Jeff's boss texting you?

          • Barb

            He is texting me because the hockey playoffs start tonight and I am having a party and he wanted to know what dessert I was making. Guess he wanted to get a clue what to bring.

            Anyone who has spent more than three seconds around us knows two things, I am crazy in love with my husband and I say off- the- wall shit constantly.

        • Negropolis

          That. is. awesome.

  • JustPixelz

    What about states that teach the Bayer method?

    Mississippi has the second lowest abortion rate in the U.S. too! Coincidence?

    The teen birthrate is misleading. With lower life expectancy in those states, they need to start earlier.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Really? Only second lowest? Color me shocked.

    • littlebigdaddy

      According to R/K selection theory, populations living in hostile environments with high mortality rates do tend to have higher reproduction rates with less parental investment in infants. Of course, this makes the conditions worse.

    • cheetojeebus

      and they're trying to shutdown the last remaining clinic (in Mississippi) that does abortions.

  • Oblios_Cap

    It's pretty apparent that Walker is adopting a scorched earth policy on the way out the door.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    I cried and cried the last time I picked up my 3 month supply of BC pills. Bill came up to $100 fucking dollars. Screw family planning, I'm playing Palin Roulette from now on, aka Abstinence Only.

  • boobookitteh

    Must be the toilet seats.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      And public swimming pools, also too.

    • DaRooster

      Those damn kids and their poor janitorial skills… thanks Newt.

  • edgydrifter

    "Just a little bit" + booze in a plastic bottle – whatever that old hag was talking about in school the other day (asthmatink? absinthe?) + Jesus loves babies = SUCCESS

    • DetectiveGrey

      This thread is now about booze from plastic bottles.

      What's your favorite kind? I'm quite partial to Pinnacle vodka, whatever the flavor.

      • edgydrifter

        MacNaughton's, because it isn't awful and it won't shatter when you trip over your tackle box "fishing" down by the river.

      • bagofmice

        Smirnoff for snowboarding. Have you seen what they charge at the lodge?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe they could get Shawna the Vegetarian Sexpot to teach those classes. Or maybe Kourtney, who is apparently unemployed nowadays.

    • Baconzgood

      FLY LATINA HOT PEPPER HOTIE LIBEL!!!!!

    • LesBontemps

      I blame Obama. (92% of job losses & etc. yadda yadda yadda.)

  • Goonemeritus

    Although I practiced abstinence for much of my teenage years I don’t think I would have been as successful at it were it not for my ruggedly homely looks combined with a nerdy outlook on life.

  • I_P

    Now THIS I can fap to!

  • LiveToServeYa

    Well, they tried using the Bible for sex-ed but it proved to be too porous.

    • widestanceromance

      Agreed, not very absorbent and the ink smears.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Those sluts should just sleep with each other. No birth control necessary.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      By any chance, would you be able to point me to a website where I might explore your concept more thoroughly?

      EDIT: Really, Admin? The word "in-tr-ig-ue" is verboten?

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        I can't right now. Busy.

  • CivicHoliday

    The GOP apparently mis-read The Hunger Games as an instruction manual.

  • savethispatient

    All this proves is that if a young woman spends her time with her nose in books, she will repel men. How are you supposed to find a nice rich husband then, eh ladies?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    If the anti-abortionists were serious they would just outlaw cap'n morgan. That bastard is responsible for more unwanted pregnancies than anyone else I know.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Well, him and Bartles and Jaymes. And Jose Cuervo.

    • bagofmice

      He has a leg up on you.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    April being the month most babies are conceived, that's clever WI legislators. Heading the kids off at the pass before they even know what hit their Trapper-Keepers.

    • bagofmice

      April fools!

  • SkinnyNerd

    Surely, they cannot be that stupid. I think these states are probably aware of this, and I am certain that this is some kind of evil Koch brother plan to get more abstinent from thinking voters out there.

    </conspiracy>

  • metamarcisf

    Hemingway was a proponent of Absinthe-only education.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      SLOPPY JOE'S RUM LIBEL!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Your move, Toulouse Lautrec.

    • bagofmice

      You have to admit, conception is somewhat difficult in a green fairy on green fairy situation.

      • metamarcisf

        on Gertrude Stein

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Mississippi continues to have the highest teen birth rate, with 55 births per 1,000 girls. New Hampshire has the lowest rate at just under 16 births per 1,000 girls."

    ♫ "Well East Coast girls are hip
    But they don't put out worth a damn
    And the Southern girls, with the way they hump
    It's raining pussy when I'm 'down there.'
    I wish they all could be fornicatin' girls♪"

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      BRAVO!

      *polite golf clap*

      You, sir, have earned a martini…

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Great, thanks. The version playing in my head now… it's the tacky D.L. Roth one not the Beach Boys one.
      Appropriately enough anyway. When creepy, aged Van Halen references a "momshell" in lieu of a bombshell, who can blame today's young fillies aspiring to brood mare status for all the cachet it holds nowadays?

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I can see a pregnancy pact coming together right about now. Or, is that packed?

  • bureaucrap

    More pregnancies = more workers = more competition for jobs = lower wages = race to the bottom = war of all against all = armageddon. Hey bible thumpers — you wanted your apocalypse? You got it.

  • FakaktaSouth

    This just goes to show you it's truly about poverty and ignorance because the white trash with cash we live amongst don't play this shit. Getting knocked up (at least to the point where people know about it) does not happen. Girls on the pill EVERYwhere, thank you anonymous planned parenthood and it's been like that here since before I was in high school 22 yrs ago. What WOULD people say? You might get nekkid, just don't get busted.

    My kid happened to come home with his "we're doing sex next month – get ready. The sheet has info about when the materials that will be taught in class will be available to parents that want to prescreen it and then if you don't want to let your kid participate you can write a letter to the principal. I like making it a pain in the ass to get out of. Takes away some folks who would do it just to be precious. This way they have to be involved. It's all about personal responsibility, ya know?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      My kid happened to come home with his "we're doing sex next month – get ready

      So they're teaching the true story behind being married?

  • DaRooster

    (which are all states with abstinence-only sex-ed)

    Uh… abstinence CANNOT be sex education… for there is a slight lack of sex.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      FAP LIBEL!

  • DetectiveGrey

    This is good news for Jonathan Swift!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    How come those girls aren't doing the "duck lips" face?

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Is our country larnin'?

    Hell no, larnin' is commie.
    ~

  • Warwhatgoodfor

    Old joke: what do you call an Arkansas virgin? Answer: an ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brother. Bada boom!

  • Eve8Apples

    Governor Scott Walker saw Mississippi lead the U.S. in teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, birth defects and high school dropouts and said, "Now why can't Wisconsin be more like that?"

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Con Wisconsin!

      (Scott Walker theme song.)

  • Sassomatic

    Don't hate on Mississippi just cause the girls like to make daddy happy.

    I'm going to Hell.

  • Radio福井県

    Snark off/
    Good news here. The national teen pregnancy rates are the lowest since 1947. It seems as if contraception and sex ed over the last twenty years has paid off. Despite all the wingtards and unrealistic Jeebus prude's overtures. We still have higher teen pregger and STD rates than most Eurotrash countries. Of course, all those countries are strong on the contraception and sex ed.
    Snark on/

    • Gainsbourg69

      I know MTV has been shit for the past fifteen years, but they have a show about pregnant teens which lets girls know how crappy it is to have a kid at such a young age.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'm shufflin' thru the Texas sand,
    but my head's in Mississippi.
    The cooze has got a hold of me.
    I believe I'm gettin' dizzy.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Dusty Rhodes libel!

  • widestanceromance

    Hey, shouldn't one leg on those girls be lifted to get a little cap'm in her?

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Seeing that image of Mercede, together with the ALT-TEXT referencing Bristol, makes me think of that old Tom Waits song, "Warm Wine Cooler Women" ♪

    • Radio福井県

      M, is that a little after note?

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        Normally, I'd try to link to the original song w/ that note symbol.
        Alas, I cannot search & display Waits' (or any other classic via youtube) from the office.

        • Radio福井県

          Hear that girlfriend. I gots the same IT Nazi's at work. I'm always worried "Access Denied" is going to pop up when I type in wonkette.commie.

          • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

            Here ya go ~

            Some minor NSFW around 2:00 mark… Danish subtitles.. wth is "cowboystØlver" I wonder?

  • SayItWithWookies

    It's sex education the Dubya way — stay drunk, fuck anything that moves, and if it gets pregnant either ditch it or (if its family is as rich as yours) take it to a back-alley abortion doctor for a little d&c. Just like all kinds of rich white people healthcare, the only ones who suffer are the ones The LORD looks on with sufficient disfavor to make poor.

  • Naked_Bunny

    The important thing is that teenage girls are going to Hell for having sex.

    • widestanceromance

      Right after they get killed by Jason in a secluded location, if I remember my Abst Ed films correctly.

      • Naked_Bunny

        I should really pay more attention to what's in these bills.

  • MissTaken

    Abstinence only = how babby formed

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      They need to do way instain mother!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Mississippi, goddamn.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Have you been "jumping the fence," EQ? Playing for the other team on occasion?

      • elviouslyqueer

        Oh right. Not even if they had a 12-inch strap on and looked like Tim Tebow.

    • Baconzgood

      Nina Simone up fist!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    I would be happy to offer my services as a private tutor to young people seeking guidance on these sensitive issues.

  • WiscDad

    Legislating us back to the Stone Age. Fucksticks days are numbered.

  • owhatever

    Section b: Girls will no longer be allowed to have sexual intercourse until they are married and have at least two children, one of each opposite sex, and then only in church, using the approved (Christian) missionary position.

    • Naked_Bunny

      Also, they will all be cheerleaders, and willing to serve drinks to adult men without sass.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Even Wisconsin GOPtards should be able to see there's a slight problem with that rule.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Yep. I'm scoring 10th-grade essays online for the Texas standardized testing program on the topic "write about a time when you saw something in a new way," and at just under halfway through the project, I've read 23 first-person essays so far on "how having a baby made me see life differently." These are mostly 15 and 16 year olds, high school sophomores.

    It's nowhere near as common as essays about sudden vehicular death, losing a grandparent, or finding Jesus, but damn, there's a lot of them. Not word one about contraception, or sex ed in these girls' essays.

    Abstinence education: A Plan for Parenthood.

    • Naked_Bunny

      It's nowhere near as common as essays about sudden vehicular death, losing a grandparent, or finding Jesus

      Those should be outlawed, too.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Crap … now I have to hire a fucking lobbyist?

  • ElPinche

    This is good news for TLC.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      And MTV.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Like libertarianism, abstinence-based sex ed is perfectly workable, given a set of perfectly spherical human beings in a gravity- and friction-free environment.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Don't forget the vacuum. Libertarianism requires a vacuum.
      (Sharing oxygen causes deviations from the theory.)

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    What is wrong with men that they feel that women must be kept ignorant, without healthcare, poor and powerless for even some of them APPEAR to be superior to us?

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Remember a few weeks ago when Utah's governor vetoed the proposed abstinence only bill? One of the bill's co-sponsors, Margaret Dayton, said that "teaching children about contraception is comparable to telling kids not to do drugs, then showing them how to 'mainline' heroin."

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      And teaching them to use seat belts only encourages them to crash their cars.

      The GOP's plan to appeal to the stupid demographic has paid off … the GOP is now full of incredibly stupid people.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    What is with the inundation of posts in the mornings followed by slow afternoons? If you guys want to have siestas I suggest you move to socialist Spain.

    • commiegirl

      Skullfucker, do not make me bitchslap you about the kind of schedule I'm pulling.

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        It's okay. I wake up from naps grumpy too sometimes.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Be sure to get enough rest. We want you to be happy. Teh wonkette is a harsh mistress.

  • littlebigdaddy

    If Mississippi and neighboring states put a moratorium on family reunions, a lot of that would go away.

  • Come here a minute

    These stats are only for 15-19. Overlooking the fourteen-and-unders leaves Mississippi seriously underrepresented.

  • widestanceromance

    Wisconsin's teens are ignorant and open for business!

    • bagofmice

      So, party time in Milwaukee?

  • cheetojeebus

    OT looks like that darling of the right, the NRA's poster child George Zimmerman, is going to get charged with somethin'.

  • http://protoplasm.wordpress.com/ Preacher_Griz

    hawt!!! Capt Morgan babes!!! O>M>G!!!

  • Toomush_Infer

    I drive through Wisconsin often, on my way to Minnesota – I believe Gov-to-not-be Walker is in tune with the many billboards urging young women to "keep these babies"….they must be having a tough time keeping up their population….

  • mormos

    kids receive all their education from the internet these days anyway.

  • HelmutNewton

    Hmmm, is there any disastrously failed policy that Walker HASN'T enacted yet?

  • meatpuppet2

    ….also new poll shows that these same states think that a plutocracy with annual teen death matches like in Hunger Games sounds like an ok idea.

  • BarackMyWorld

    HEY–WHERE'D THE JAILBAIT PICS GO?!?!?

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed!

  • ttommyunger

    O.K. kids, there will be no dancing on the fuck floor and no fucking on the dance floor. FIXED!

  • Negropolis

    You'd think with all those sheep and horses, down there, that the teen pregnancy rates would be lower.

  • DahBoner

    So, in other words, Red States are getting slapped on the ass?

  • swordfis

    I wonder if statisticians are keeping track of the stupid. I've lost count a long time ago.

  • Rayn_And

    Ask Jeebus' mom…Abstinence is only 99.999 percent effective.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    As long as I can still talk about skullfucking I'll be alright.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Drat … I was just about to post a hilarious comment about Willie Nelson's guitar in connection with teen pregnancy, and now you guys don't get to read it.
    Blame the Admin.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Intrigue. Trigger.

  • FakaktaSouth

    This is a thing that has always hurt my feelings about those kinds of folks – they make these laws and do these things and then none of it applies to them. Now in this instance it happens to go a way I prefer because I don't need a bunch of Duggars going to school with my kids, but making it SO HARD for all people to get access to care like abortions, contraception, whatever – when "they" (the fucking, literally, Republicans) still do whatever they need to do makes me SO FREAKING ANGRY. It's all for show and it really hurts people. Other people specifically…

  • Gainsbourg69

    Sounds like a lot of the churchgoing couples I know. They make a huge show out of protecting the sanctity of life until an ultra sound reveals that the baby has downs and they face the possibility of losing their standing among the sharks they like to call friends.