Teen pregnancy, as everyone knows, is the surest route to emotional health and economic security. And — would you believe it? — the latest numbers show that states with the highest teen pregnancy rates (which are all states with abstinence-only sex-ed) continue to impregnate their li’l Ashleys and Emmas at a rate that’s almost twice the national average! This is excellent news for Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who just signed into law an “abstinence only” sex ed bill: Soon his state will have lots of preggo teen girls, and they can all get arrested for smoking crack on that MTV show, if it is still on, and if it is not, surely they will all be picked to go on Dancing With The Stars.
The legislation signed by Walker would promote abstinence as the only reliable way to prevent pregnancy and sexually-transmitted diseases, teaches the positive socioeconomic benefits of marriage, and adds discussion of bullying to the sex education curriculum school districts may use.
The bill, sponsored by Republican state Sen. Mary Lazich, repeals the Healthy Youth Act passed by Wisconsin legislators in 2010, when Democrats controlled state government. Specifically, this means that the “health benefits, side effects, and proper use of contraceptives” will no longer be taught in schools.
EXCELLENT. As more and more states go abstinence-only, we can get our (white) teen birthrate back on track, as unfortunately it has fallen to its lowest point since 1940.
Nationally, the rate fell 9 percent to about 34 per 1,000 girls ages 15 through 19, and the drop was seen among all racial and ethnic groups. Mississippi continues to have the highest teen birth rate, with 55 births per 1,000 girls. New Hampshire has the lowest rate at just under 16 births per 1,000 girls.
Obviously B. Hussein Obama is to blame for this shift away from our traditional values of settling teen girls down before they get any funny ideas like going to college or earning equal pay for equal work. Abstinence-only for everyone please! We like our mothers the old-fashioned way: teenaged, surly, and hitting the rock. [EdWeek/ThinkProgress]
{ 230 comments }
Where da white wimmin at?
Betty White?
Dude. Really? REALLY? Had to go harsh my mellow?
AND STOP JUDGING ME!
The delivery room.
And if not, why not?
Is Bristol their poster child?
Pin-up model.
Bristol and Levi can be the spokespersons. I mean, they both cashed in on abstinence only education
Let's face it, any woman who graduates high school without a baby is an unfuckable old maid.
I'd love to spend the rest of the century proving you wrong about the "unfuckable" part
ROAD TRIP!
That is my plan for my girls. shhhhh.
I think I speak for the het male population of Wonkette when I say "Let me help!"
Awww, that's sweet.
I cannot tell you how much it broke my heart to reach my 36th birthday and not have a grandkid to show for it.
Don't worry, Bristol. You can do it!
Yeah, I don't know how I let myself get involved with an old maid like you who not only has reached 36 without grandkids, but hasn't even bred once.
Must be painful, all that tightness…
That's hot.
I'm so confused! What about her husband and soccer errands?!
How about, say, two or three abortions?
Derb?
This is clearly unpossible! All those good Christian girls who
can'twon't use birth control can't be having sex!Needs more euphemisms.
Immaculate Libel!!
Abstinence only + no contraception coverage = babies.
This is one instance of Simple Math that the wingnuts won't get.
No one can explain it.
Abortions, too!
wait, that's how it works? sorry, my school was abstinence only and never taught me how is babby formed.
At least Mississippi leads in somthing….GLASSES 1/2 FULL HERE PEOPLE!!!
Also, number of "i"s in state name. Too.
With the easy access to booze we have here in Louisiana, I don't know how we lost to Mississippi. I guess it's the high tolerance our young ladies have for booze.
Yea, hi, here's the thing: no booze=boredom=moar sexy time
Mississippi leads in a lot of things I bet they wish they didn't. That glass is damn-near overflowing with "WIN".
Ahhh, yes. A handle of Captain Morgan and no education. A recipe for pregnancy…
"Mississippi continues to have the highest teen birth rate, with 55 births per 1,000 girls."
Well… they do live in Mississippi… so their lives are pretty much over any how.
IGNORANT COWFUCKING RACIST OBESE POVERTY-STRICKEN STATE LIBEL.
"adds discussion of bullying to the sex education curriculum"=picking on fags till they kill themselves is just hunkey-dorry.
Everybody,
stopstart fuckin'!!Ohjeez! Is this going to be a competition? I don't perform well under pressure. Can I just fap instead?
Can we olds just have a contest that involves only memories and lying?
I like to think of it as grazing…
I can totally hear a Miami breaks style booty bass song where the lyrical hook is "stop, drop, an start fuckin". It's almost as good as "baby got back."
Telling teenagers that they can't do something has worked well since the beginning of time like when God told that dumbass Adam not to eat the fucking apple.
Yeah, and how did Jesus' mother get pregnant. Talk about abstinence only fail.
All the village men who had been spotted with her agreed, it had to be a miracle virgin birth. Yep.
Girls in occupied countries are always getting into trouble.
"Telling teenagers that they can't do something has worked well since the beginning of time…"
…and telling people they shouldn't have sex is about as useful as ordering the sun not to rise.
Yeah, that was the point. lol
Abstaining from using birth control, not abstaining from sex.
If they taught blowjobs, yodeling up the canyon, and buttsex in school, the teen pregnancy rate would really take a nosedive. No one ever got pregnant from a facial.
What if…and I'm just brainstorming here…what if you gave a facial to one girl who then immediately ended up with another cooch sat on her face?
Never thought of THAT, didja son?
I don't think that three-ways would be covered in "abstinence only" sex-ed.
That is why brownbacking is the only reliable form of birth control.
That's about as plausible as a man ejaculating into a woman, who immediately did a lesbian scissor scene in which the second woman got pregnant.
We need to research this. Right now.
*putting on lab coat*
Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ahead of ya…
let me fetch my goggles…not sure why I might need them, but just in case.
INTEREST!
Website? Newsletter?
These teens really need to read Wonkette–they would know ALL about these things of which you speak.
Sluts in Mississippi? Now I don't know what to think of the south.
Don't call them sluts. It's not their fault they have so many brothers.
Abstinence makes the hard grow fonder.
Fond grow harder?
I'm fond of harder
The fondlers grow foundlings.
It's the Circle of Slut.
Jane Fonda's promoting abstinence? wtf, I thought she was helping teens in Georgia understand sexytime by giving them the real 4-1-1……….?
So apparently young, drunk and pregnant is a way to go through life.
But, only if you're white and rich.
Abstinence? I wish conservatives would abstain…from voting. Jeez, counterproductive* much?
*See also: economic policies, conservative; foreign policy, conservative; social policy, conservative.
As Walker continues to dick over Wisconsin…
With the way the recall is going, I think this is his interpretation of trashing the hotel room before he checks out.
Better known as buttsex and blowjob only sex education.
Purity rings were already pretty much a signal that read "I give anal on a first date."
What? Skullfucking is off the table now?
Done professionally, yes; off the table and all over the floor.
Problem is, if they don't have any edumucation then they won't knows which hole to put it in…thus preggers.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
We don't need a condom. I don't have any STD's and I swear that I'll pull out before I cum Mississippi.
If only the Government in Ol' Miss would swing just a little socialist and give out free aspirin. Problem solved.
That picture makes my manly bits tingle!
Or they would if they were older. RIGHT???
Hey, this is a mommyblog, we assume they've been vetted.
Old enough to drink, old enough not to think!
I would find it quite easy to masturbate to, if I were asked such a question.
Of course, no one did, but … ya know …
Because nothing says "come and fuck me" like the chance to ruin you life? Hummm. No, that can't be it. OH, I know! It could be that young healthy people in their sexual prime are going to attemp to mate no matter how much the religitards hate sex, or the feminists want everyone to wait, till they are too old to have babies, to start trying (because every sperm and egg should go to college first)! Maybe, and I'm spit balling here, maybe we should strive to create opportunities for younger people…so it won't ruin their lives to do what they are supposed to be doing.
So — bring back the draft?
"It could be that young healthy people in their sexual prime are going to attemp to mate…"
Now now. It's never worked in the entire history of humanity, but THIS time people might just be able to stop other people from getting it on.
clearly they just need to be spayed and neutered. problem solved.
From my perspective behind the Family Court reception desk, widespread human spay-n-neutering would prevent any number of problems.
More teen pregnencies equals more abortions. Our evil plan is finally coming to fruition.
Volume discounts at the Abortionplex!
Does the Abortionplex have franchise opportunities? I'd like to get in on that action. Who needs a defined benefit plan and 401(k) match? I'll fund my retirement with the results of all that abstinence only eduction. Cha ching!
Dibs on the Tunica franchise!
These idiots need to realize that not just anyone can be abstinent like Jesus' teen mom.
No way am I going to talk about sex. I sent Jeff a racy text an hour ago and it seems that his boss received it. I'd laugh it off if his boss wasn't coming over tonight for a party. The mind boggles.
Threesome? Promotion?
Lol Steve, if Jeff gets promoted he will have his bosses job.
So, we'll just replace "fuck up, move up" with "Fuck Barb, move up." Works for Jeff, I'm sure.
Uh oh. I've seen this movie. Beware the cameraman and the dwarf. Also, be ready to wear blue panties.
Well, did he reply? Inquiring minds and all that.
Yes, he did. He texted me and asked what kind of cake I was making. I replied:
"lemon curd and coconut, doesn't matter I'm going to &%*# the taste right out of your mouth when you get home" Just as I hit SEND I noticed the text wasn't from Jeff. The reply was:
"I'll tell Jeff to expect you."
It's okay, I don't embarrass easily.
I love you.
Love ya back, Sis.
So, that's the recipe for those cakes we like!
Nice.
Oh my.
That's awesome. "Ooops."
How great was the boss's response though? He approves of you loving to fuck your husband. Clearly Jeff's bringing a happy attitude to work.
Yes, Jeff brings the happiness. He made 97.5 million for his company last year.
Why was Jeff's boss texting you?
He is texting me because the hockey playoffs start tonight and I am having a party and he wanted to know what dessert I was making. Guess he wanted to get a clue what to bring.
Anyone who has spent more than three seconds around us knows two things, I am crazy in love with my husband and I say off- the- wall shit constantly.
That. is. awesome.
What about states that teach the Bayer method?
Mississippi has the second lowest abortion rate in the U.S. too! Coincidence?
The teen birthrate is misleading. With lower life expectancy in those states, they need to start earlier.
Really? Only second lowest? Color me shocked.
According to R/K selection theory, populations living in hostile environments with high mortality rates do tend to have higher reproduction rates with less parental investment in infants. Of course, this makes the conditions worse.
and they're trying to shutdown the last remaining clinic (in Mississippi) that does abortions.
It's pretty apparent that Walker is adopting a scorched earth policy on the way out the door.
I cried and cried the last time I picked up my 3 month supply of BC pills. Bill came up to $100 fucking dollars. Screw family planning, I'm playing Palin Roulette from now on, aka Abstinence Only.
Must be the toilet seats.
And public swimming pools, also too.
Those damn kids and their poor janitorial skills… thanks Newt.
"Just a little bit" + booze in a plastic bottle – whatever that old hag was talking about in school the other day (asthmatink? absinthe?) + Jesus loves babies = SUCCESS
This thread is now about booze from plastic bottles.
What's your favorite kind? I'm quite partial to Pinnacle vodka, whatever the flavor.
MacNaughton's, because it isn't awful and it won't shatter when you trip over your tackle box "fishing" down by the river.
Smirnoff for snowboarding. Have you seen what they charge at the lodge?
Maybe they could get Shawna the Vegetarian Sexpot to teach those classes. Or maybe Kourtney, who is apparently unemployed nowadays.
FLY LATINA HOT PEPPER HOTIE LIBEL!!!!!
I blame Obama. (92% of job losses & etc. yadda yadda yadda.)
Although I practiced abstinence for much of my teenage years I don’t think I would have been as successful at it were it not for my ruggedly homely looks combined with a nerdy outlook on life.
Now THIS I can fap to!
Well, they tried using the Bible for sex-ed but it proved to be too porous.
Agreed, not very absorbent and the ink smears.
Those sluts should just sleep with each other. No birth control necessary.
By any chance, would you be able to point me to a website where I might explore your concept more thoroughly?
EDIT: Really, Admin? The word "in-tr-ig-ue" is verboten?
I can't right now. Busy.
The GOP apparently mis-read The Hunger Games as an instruction manual.
All this proves is that if a young woman spends her time with her nose in books, she will repel men. How are you supposed to find a nice rich husband then, eh ladies?
If the anti-abortionists were serious they would just outlaw cap'n morgan. That bastard is responsible for more unwanted pregnancies than anyone else I know.
Well, him and Bartles and Jaymes. And Jose Cuervo.
He has a leg up on you.
April being the month most babies are conceived, that's clever WI legislators. Heading the kids off at the pass before they even know what hit their Trapper-Keepers.
April fools!
Surely, they cannot be that stupid. I think these states are probably aware of this, and I am certain that this is some kind of evil Koch brother plan to get more abstinent from thinking voters out there.
</conspiracy>
Hemingway was a proponent of Absinthe-only education.
SLOPPY JOE'S RUM LIBEL!
Your move, Toulouse Lautrec.
You have to admit, conception is somewhat difficult in a green fairy on green fairy situation.
on Gertrude Stein
"Mississippi continues to have the highest teen birth rate, with 55 births per 1,000 girls. New Hampshire has the lowest rate at just under 16 births per 1,000 girls."
♫ "Well East Coast girls are hip
But they don't put out worth a damn
And the Southern girls, with the way they hump
It's raining pussy when I'm 'down there.'
I wish they all could be fornicatin' girls♪"
BRAVO!
*polite golf clap*
You, sir, have earned a martini…
Great, thanks. The version playing in my head now… it's the tacky D.L. Roth one not the Beach Boys one.
Appropriately enough anyway. When creepy, aged Van Halen references a "momshell" in lieu of a bombshell, who can blame today's young fillies aspiring to brood mare status for all the cachet it holds nowadays?
I can see a pregnancy pact coming together right about now. Or, is that packed?
More pregnancies = more workers = more competition for jobs = lower wages = race to the bottom = war of all against all = armageddon. Hey bible thumpers — you wanted your apocalypse? You got it.
This just goes to show you it's truly about poverty and ignorance because the white trash with cash we live amongst don't play this shit. Getting knocked up (at least to the point where people know about it) does not happen. Girls on the pill EVERYwhere, thank you anonymous planned parenthood and it's been like that here since before I was in high school 22 yrs ago. What WOULD people say? You might get nekkid, just don't get busted.
My kid happened to come home with his "we're doing sex next month – get ready. The sheet has info about when the materials that will be taught in class will be available to parents that want to prescreen it and then if you don't want to let your kid participate you can write a letter to the principal. I like making it a pain in the ass to get out of. Takes away some folks who would do it just to be precious. This way they have to be involved. It's all about personal responsibility, ya know?
My kid happened to come home with his "we're doing sex next month – get ready
So they're teaching the true story behind being married?
(which are all states with abstinence-only sex-ed)
Uh… abstinence CANNOT be sex education… for there is a slight lack of sex.
FAP LIBEL!
This is good news for Jonathan Swift!
How come those girls aren't doing the "duck lips" face?
Is our country larnin'?
Hell no, larnin' is commie.
~
Old joke: what do you call an Arkansas virgin? Answer: an ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brother. Bada boom!
Governor Scott Walker saw Mississippi lead the U.S. in teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, birth defects and high school dropouts and said, "Now why can't Wisconsin be more like that?"
Con Wisconsin!
(Scott Walker theme song.)
Don't hate on Mississippi just cause the girls like to make daddy happy.
I'm going to Hell.
Snark off/
Good news here. The national teen pregnancy rates are the lowest since 1947. It seems as if contraception and sex ed over the last twenty years has paid off. Despite all the wingtards and unrealistic Jeebus prude's overtures. We still have higher teen pregger and STD rates than most Eurotrash countries. Of course, all those countries are strong on the contraception and sex ed.
Snark on/
I know MTV has been shit for the past fifteen years, but they have a show about pregnant teens which lets girls know how crappy it is to have a kid at such a young age.
I'm shufflin' thru the Texas sand,
but my head's in Mississippi.
The cooze has got a hold of me.
I believe I'm gettin' dizzy.
Dusty Rhodes libel!
Hey, shouldn't one leg on those girls be lifted to get a little cap'm in her?
Seeing that image of Mercede, together with the ALT-TEXT referencing Bristol, makes me think of that old Tom Waits song, "Warm Wine Cooler Women" ♪
M, is that a little after note?
Normally, I'd try to link to the original song w/ that note symbol.
Alas, I cannot search & display Waits' (or any other classic via youtube) from the office.
Hear that girlfriend. I gots the same IT Nazi's at work. I'm always worried "Access Denied" is going to pop up when I type in wonkette.commie.
Here ya go ~
Some minor NSFW around 2:00 mark… Danish subtitles.. wth is "cowboystØlver" I wonder?
It's sex education the Dubya way — stay drunk, fuck anything that moves, and if it gets pregnant either ditch it or (if its family is as rich as yours) take it to a back-alley abortion doctor for a little d&c. Just like all kinds of rich white people healthcare, the only ones who suffer are the ones The LORD looks on with sufficient disfavor to make poor.
The important thing is that teenage girls are going to Hell for having sex.
Right after they get killed by Jason in a secluded location, if I remember my Abst Ed films correctly.
I should really pay more attention to what's in these bills.
Abstinence only = how babby formed
They need to do way instain mother!
Mississippi, goddamn.
Have you been "jumping the fence," EQ? Playing for the other team on occasion?
Oh right. Not even if they had a 12-inch strap on and looked like Tim Tebow.
Nina Simone up fist!
I would be happy to offer my services as a private tutor to young people seeking guidance on these sensitive issues.
Legislating us back to the Stone Age. Fucksticks days are numbered.
Section b: Girls will no longer be allowed to have sexual intercourse until they are married and have at least two children, one of each opposite sex, and then only in church, using the approved (Christian) missionary position.
Also, they will all be cheerleaders, and willing to serve drinks to adult men without sass.
Even Wisconsin GOPtards should be able to see there's a slight problem with that rule.
Yep. I'm scoring 10th-grade essays online for the Texas standardized testing program on the topic "write about a time when you saw something in a new way," and at just under halfway through the project, I've read 23 first-person essays so far on "how having a baby made me see life differently." These are mostly 15 and 16 year olds, high school sophomores.
It's nowhere near as common as essays about sudden vehicular death, losing a grandparent, or finding Jesus, but damn, there's a lot of them. Not word one about contraception, or sex ed in these girls' essays.
Abstinence education: A Plan for Parenthood.
Those should be outlawed, too.
Crap … now I have to hire a fucking lobbyist?
This is good news for TLC.
And MTV.
Like libertarianism, abstinence-based sex ed is perfectly workable, given a set of perfectly spherical human beings in a gravity- and friction-free environment.
Don't forget the vacuum. Libertarianism requires a vacuum.
(Sharing oxygen causes deviations from the theory.)
What is wrong with men that they feel that women must be kept ignorant, without healthcare, poor and powerless for even some of them APPEAR to be superior to us?
Remember a few weeks ago when Utah's governor vetoed the proposed abstinence only bill? One of the bill's co-sponsors, Margaret Dayton, said that "teaching children about contraception is comparable to telling kids not to do drugs, then showing them how to 'mainline' heroin."
And teaching them to use seat belts only encourages them to crash their cars.
The GOP's plan to appeal to the stupid demographic has paid off … the GOP is now full of incredibly stupid people.
What is with the inundation of posts in the mornings followed by slow afternoons? If you guys want to have siestas I suggest you move to socialist Spain.
Skullfucker, do not make me bitchslap you about the kind of schedule I'm pulling.
It's okay. I wake up from naps grumpy too sometimes.
Be sure to get enough rest. We want you to be happy. Teh wonkette is a harsh mistress.
If Mississippi and neighboring states put a moratorium on family reunions, a lot of that would go away.
These stats are only for 15-19. Overlooking the fourteen-and-unders leaves Mississippi seriously underrepresented.
Wisconsin's teens are ignorant and open for business!
So, party time in Milwaukee?
OT looks like that darling of the right, the NRA's poster child George Zimmerman, is going to get charged with somethin'.
hawt!!! Capt Morgan babes!!! O>M>G!!!
I drive through Wisconsin often, on my way to Minnesota – I believe Gov-to-not-be Walker is in tune with the many billboards urging young women to "keep these babies"….they must be having a tough time keeping up their population….
kids receive all their education from the internet these days anyway.
Hmmm, is there any disastrously failed policy that Walker HASN'T enacted yet?
….also new poll shows that these same states think that a plutocracy with annual teen death matches like in Hunger Games sounds like an ok idea.
HEY–WHERE'D THE JAILBAIT PICS GO?!?!?
I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed!
O.K. kids, there will be no dancing on the fuck floor and no fucking on the dance floor. FIXED!
You'd think with all those sheep and horses, down there, that the teen pregnancy rates would be lower.
So, in other words, Red States are getting slapped on the ass?
I wonder if statisticians are keeping track of the stupid. I've lost count a long time ago.
Ask Jeebus' mom…Abstinence is only 99.999 percent effective.
What say you and I slather ourselves with lemon curd then roll around in coconut and surprise the boss?
That's the best idea I've heard all day!
OK! STOP IT!!
(Be right back)
As long as I can still talk about skullfucking I'll be alright.
Drat … I was just about to post a hilarious comment about Willie Nelson's guitar in connection with teen pregnancy, and now you guys don't get to read it.
Blame the Admin.
Intrigue. Trigger.
This is a thing that has always hurt my feelings about those kinds of folks – they make these laws and do these things and then none of it applies to them. Now in this instance it happens to go a way I prefer because I don't need a bunch of Duggars going to school with my kids, but making it SO HARD for all people to get access to care like abortions, contraception, whatever – when "they" (the fucking, literally, Republicans) still do whatever they need to do makes me SO FREAKING ANGRY. It's all for show and it really hurts people. Other people specifically…
DaRooster, wash hands before returning to keyboard, please.
Sounds like a lot of the churchgoing couples I know. They make a huge show out of protecting the sanctity of life until an ultra sound reveals that the baby has downs and they face the possibility of losing their standing among the sharks they like to call friends.
I know where that has been…
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