KNOCK MY BITCH UP  3:13 pm April 11, 2012

States With ‘Abstinence Only’ Sex-Ed Continue To Knock Their Teens Up The Biggest

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Bristol is definitely not pregnant in this pictureTeen pregnancy, as everyone knows, is the surest route to emotional health and economic security. And — would you believe it? — the latest numbers show that states with the highest teen pregnancy rates (which are all states with abstinence-only sex-ed) continue to impregnate their li’l Ashleys and Emmas at a rate that’s almost twice the national average! This is excellent news for Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who just signed into law an “abstinence only” sex ed bill: Soon his state will have lots of preggo teen girls, and they can all get arrested for smoking crack on that MTV show, if it is still on, and if it is not, surely they will all be picked to go on Dancing With The Stars.

The legislation signed by Walker would promote abstinence as the only reliable way to prevent pregnancy and sexually-transmitted diseases, teaches the positive socioeconomic benefits of marriage, and adds discussion of bullying to the sex education curriculum school districts may use.

The bill, sponsored by Republican state Sen. Mary Lazich, repeals the Healthy Youth Act passed by Wisconsin legislators in 2010, when Democrats controlled state government. Specifically, this means that the “health benefits, side effects, and proper use of contraceptives” will no longer be taught in schools.

EXCELLENT. As more and more states go abstinence-only, we can get our (white) teen birthrate back on track, as unfortunately it has fallen to its lowest point since 1940.

Nationally, the rate fell 9 percent to about 34 per 1,000 girls ages 15 through 19, and the drop was seen among all racial and ethnic groups. Mississippi continues to have the highest teen birth rate, with 55 births per 1,000 girls. New Hampshire has the lowest rate at just under 16 births per 1,000 girls.

Obviously B. Hussein Obama is to blame for this shift away from our traditional values of settling teen girls down before they get any funny ideas like going to college or earning equal pay for equal work. Abstinence-only for everyone please! We like our mothers the old-fashioned way: teenaged, surly, and hitting the rock. [EdWeek/ThinkProgress]

 

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{ 230 comments }

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Where da white wimmin at?

nounverb911 April 11, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Betty White?

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Dude. Really? REALLY? Had to go harsh my mellow?

AND STOP JUDGING ME!

sullivanst April 11, 2012 at 7:00 pm

The delivery room.

And if not, why not?

nounverb911 April 11, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Is Bristol their poster child?

Negropolis April 12, 2012 at 2:26 am

Pin-up model.

finallyhappy April 11, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Bristol and Levi can be the spokespersons. I mean, they both cashed in on abstinence only education

SorosBot April 11, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Let's face it, any woman who graduates high school without a baby is an unfuckable old maid.

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I'd love to spend the rest of the century proving you wrong about the "unfuckable" part

ROAD TRIP!

Maman April 11, 2012 at 3:36 pm

That is my plan for my girls. shhhhh.

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I think I speak for the het male population of Wonkette when I say "Let me help!"

starfanglednut April 11, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Awww, that's sweet.

MissTaken April 11, 2012 at 4:01 pm

I cannot tell you how much it broke my heart to reach my 36th birthday and not have a grandkid to show for it.

Fare la Volpe April 11, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Don't worry, Bristol. You can do it!

SorosBot April 11, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Yeah, I don't know how I let myself get involved with an old maid like you who not only has reached 36 without grandkids, but hasn't even bred once.

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Must be painful, all that tightness…

Negropolis April 12, 2012 at 2:27 am

That's hot.

Chet Kincaid April 11, 2012 at 8:41 pm

I'm so confused! What about her husband and soccer errands?!

orygoon April 11, 2012 at 5:29 pm

How about, say, two or three abortions?

commiegirl April 11, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Derb?

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 3:16 pm

This is clearly unpossible! All those good Christian girls who can't won't use birth control can't be having sex!

nounverb911 April 11, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Needs more euphemisms.

DaRooster April 11, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Immaculate Libel!!

Schmannnity April 11, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Abstinence only + no contraception coverage = babies.

DetectiveGrey April 11, 2012 at 3:36 pm

This is one instance of Simple Math that the wingnuts won't get.

SoBeach April 11, 2012 at 3:50 pm

No one can explain it.

TheGyrus April 11, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Abortions, too!

mormos April 11, 2012 at 5:38 pm

wait, that's how it works? sorry, my school was abstinence only and never taught me how is babby formed.

Baconzgood April 11, 2012 at 3:19 pm

At least Mississippi leads in somthing….GLASSES 1/2 FULL HERE PEOPLE!!!

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Also, number of "i"s in state name. Too.

Wilcoxyz April 11, 2012 at 3:28 pm

With the easy access to booze we have here in Louisiana, I don't know how we lost to Mississippi. I guess it's the high tolerance our young ladies have for booze.

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Yea, hi, here's the thing: no booze=boredom=moar sexy time

Negropolis April 12, 2012 at 2:29 am

Mississippi leads in a lot of things I bet they wish they didn't. That glass is damn-near overflowing with "WIN".

Maman April 11, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Ahhh, yes. A handle of Captain Morgan and no education. A recipe for pregnancy…

DaRooster April 11, 2012 at 3:20 pm

"Mississippi continues to have the highest teen birth rate, with 55 births per 1,000 girls."

Well… they do live in Mississippi… so their lives are pretty much over any how.

elviouslyqueer April 11, 2012 at 4:17 pm

IGNORANT COWFUCKING RACIST OBESE POVERTY-STRICKEN STATE LIBEL.

Baconzgood April 11, 2012 at 3:21 pm

"adds discussion of bullying to the sex education curriculum"=picking on fags till they kill themselves is just hunkey-dorry.

BaldarTFlagass April 11, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Everybody, stop start fuckin'!!

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Ohjeez! Is this going to be a competition? I don't perform well under pressure. Can I just fap instead?

Dudleydidwrong April 11, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Can we olds just have a contest that involves only memories and lying?

Toomush_Infer April 11, 2012 at 5:04 pm

I like to think of it as grazing…

bagofmice April 11, 2012 at 4:36 pm

I can totally hear a Miami breaks style booty bass song where the lyrical hook is "stop, drop, an start fuckin". It's almost as good as "baby got back."

ManchuCandidate April 11, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Telling teenagers that they can't do something has worked well since the beginning of time like when God told that dumbass Adam not to eat the fucking apple.

niblick77 April 11, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Yeah, and how did Jesus' mother get pregnant. Talk about abstinence only fail.

Generation[redacted] April 11, 2012 at 3:44 pm

All the village men who had been spotted with her agreed, it had to be a miracle virgin birth. Yep.

SayItWithWookies April 11, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Girls in occupied countries are always getting into trouble.

SoBeach April 11, 2012 at 4:00 pm

"Telling teenagers that they can't do something has worked well since the beginning of time…"

…and telling people they shouldn't have sex is about as useful as ordering the sun not to rise.

Negropolis April 12, 2012 at 2:35 am

Yeah, that was the point. lol

chascates April 11, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Abstaining from using birth control, not abstaining from sex.

BaldarTFlagass April 11, 2012 at 3:25 pm

If they taught blowjobs, yodeling up the canyon, and buttsex in school, the teen pregnancy rate would really take a nosedive. No one ever got pregnant from a facial.

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 3:43 pm

What if…and I'm just brainstorming here…what if you gave a facial to one girl who then immediately ended up with another cooch sat on her face?

Never thought of THAT, didja son?

BaldarTFlagass April 11, 2012 at 3:56 pm

I don't think that three-ways would be covered in "abstinence only" sex-ed.

gout April 11, 2012 at 4:35 pm

That is why brownbacking is the only reliable form of birth control.

DetectiveGrey April 11, 2012 at 3:57 pm

That's about as plausible as a man ejaculating into a woman, who immediately did a lesbian scissor scene in which the second woman got pregnant.

We need to research this. Right now.

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 4:02 pm

*putting on lab coat*

Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ahead of ya…

Crank_Tango April 11, 2012 at 4:26 pm

let me fetch my goggles…not sure why I might need them, but just in case.

UnholyMoses April 11, 2012 at 4:12 pm

INTEREST!

Website? Newsletter?

littlebigdaddy April 11, 2012 at 4:34 pm

These teens really need to read Wonkette–they would know ALL about these things of which you speak.

Baconzgood April 11, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Sluts in Mississippi? Now I don't know what to think of the south.

ChernobylSoup April 11, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Don't call them sluts. It's not their fault they have so many brothers.

AlterNewt April 11, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Abstinence makes the hard grow fonder.

Not_So_Much April 11, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Fond grow harder?

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I'm fond of harder

Doktor StrangeZoom April 11, 2012 at 4:23 pm

The fondlers grow foundlings.

AlterNewt April 11, 2012 at 6:03 pm

It's the Circle of Slut.

ProgressiveInga April 11, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Jane Fonda's promoting abstinence? wtf, I thought she was helping teens in Georgia understand sexytime by giving them the real 4-1-1……….?

DaRooster April 11, 2012 at 3:26 pm

So apparently young, drunk and pregnant is a way to go through life.

Negropolis April 12, 2012 at 2:37 am

But, only if you're white and rich.

BarackMyWorld April 11, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Abstinence? I wish conservatives would abstain…from voting. Jeez, counterproductive* much?

*See also: economic policies, conservative; foreign policy, conservative; social policy, conservative.

mavenmaven April 11, 2012 at 3:26 pm

As Walker continues to dick over Wisconsin…

CommieLibunatic April 11, 2012 at 3:48 pm

With the way the recall is going, I think this is his interpretation of trashing the hotel room before he checks out.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 11, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Better known as buttsex and blowjob only sex education.

CommieLibunatic April 11, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Purity rings were already pretty much a signal that read "I give anal on a first date."

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 3:53 pm

What? Skullfucking is off the table now?

widestanceromance April 11, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Done professionally, yes; off the table and all over the floor.

hagajim April 11, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Problem is, if they don't have any edumucation then they won't knows which hole to put it in…thus preggers.

Callyson April 11, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Baconzgood April 11, 2012 at 3:27 pm

We don't need a condom. I don't have any STD's and I swear that I'll pull out before I cum Mississippi.

Clancy_Pants April 11, 2012 at 3:27 pm

If only the Government in Ol' Miss would swing just a little socialist and give out free aspirin. Problem solved.

Oblios_Cap April 11, 2012 at 3:28 pm

That picture makes my manly bits tingle!

BarackMyWorld April 11, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Or they would if they were older. RIGHT???

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Hey, this is a mommyblog, we assume they've been vetted.

Oblios_Cap April 11, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Old enough to drink, old enough not to think!

UnholyMoses April 11, 2012 at 4:13 pm

I would find it quite easy to masturbate to, if I were asked such a question.

Of course, no one did, but … ya know …

Antispandex April 11, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Because nothing says "come and fuck me" like the chance to ruin you life? Hummm. No, that can't be it. OH, I know! It could be that young healthy people in their sexual prime are going to attemp to mate no matter how much the religitards hate sex, or the feminists want everyone to wait, till they are too old to have babies, to start trying (because every sperm and egg should go to college first)! Maybe, and I'm spit balling here, maybe we should strive to create opportunities for younger people…so it won't ruin their lives to do what they are supposed to be doing.

SayItWithWookies April 11, 2012 at 3:51 pm

So — bring back the draft?

SoBeach April 11, 2012 at 4:11 pm

"It could be that young healthy people in their sexual prime are going to attemp to mate…"

Now now. It's never worked in the entire history of humanity, but THIS time people might just be able to stop other people from getting it on.

mormos April 11, 2012 at 5:51 pm

clearly they just need to be spayed and neutered. problem solved.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 11, 2012 at 6:19 pm

From my perspective behind the Family Court reception desk, widespread human spay-n-neutering would prevent any number of problems.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 11, 2012 at 3:28 pm

More teen pregnencies equals more abortions. Our evil plan is finally coming to fruition.

LesBontemps April 11, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Volume discounts at the Abortionplex!

VaWyo April 11, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Does the Abortionplex have franchise opportunities? I'd like to get in on that action. Who needs a defined benefit plan and 401(k) match? I'll fund my retirement with the results of all that abstinence only eduction. Cha ching!

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Dibs on the Tunica franchise!

OneYieldRegular April 11, 2012 at 3:29 pm

These idiots need to realize that not just anyone can be abstinent like Jesus' teen mom.

Barb April 11, 2012 at 3:29 pm

No way am I going to talk about sex. I sent Jeff a racy text an hour ago and it seems that his boss received it. I'd laugh it off if his boss wasn't coming over tonight for a party. The mind boggles.

Steverino247 April 11, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Threesome? Promotion?

Barb April 11, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Lol Steve, if Jeff gets promoted he will have his bosses job.

Steverino247 April 11, 2012 at 4:04 pm

So, we'll just replace "fuck up, move up" with "Fuck Barb, move up." Works for Jeff, I'm sure.

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Uh oh. I've seen this movie. Beware the cameraman and the dwarf. Also, be ready to wear blue panties.

widestanceromance April 11, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Well, did he reply? Inquiring minds and all that.

Barb April 11, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Yes, he did. He texted me and asked what kind of cake I was making. I replied:
"lemon curd and coconut, doesn't matter I'm going to &%*# the taste right out of your mouth when you get home" Just as I hit SEND I noticed the text wasn't from Jeff. The reply was:
"I'll tell Jeff to expect you."
It's okay, I don't embarrass easily.

Limeylizzie April 11, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I love you.

Barb April 11, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Love ya back, Sis.

widestanceromance April 11, 2012 at 4:00 pm

So, that's the recipe for those cakes we like!

emmelemm April 11, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Nice.

SorosBot April 11, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Oh my.

emmelemm April 11, 2012 at 5:17 pm

That's awesome. "Ooops."

commiegirl April 11, 2012 at 8:08 pm

How great was the boss's response though? He approves of you loving to fuck your husband. Clearly Jeff's bringing a happy attitude to work.

Barb April 11, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Yes, Jeff brings the happiness. He made 97.5 million for his company last year.

Chet Kincaid April 11, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Why was Jeff's boss texting you?

Barb April 11, 2012 at 10:19 pm

He is texting me because the hockey playoffs start tonight and I am having a party and he wanted to know what dessert I was making. Guess he wanted to get a clue what to bring.

Anyone who has spent more than three seconds around us knows two things, I am crazy in love with my husband and I say off- the- wall shit constantly.

Negropolis April 12, 2012 at 2:41 am

That. is. awesome.

JustPixelz April 11, 2012 at 3:29 pm

What about states that teach the Bayer method?

Mississippi has the second lowest abortion rate in the U.S. too! Coincidence?

The teen birthrate is misleading. With lower life expectancy in those states, they need to start earlier.

elviouslyqueer April 11, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Really? Only second lowest? Color me shocked.

littlebigdaddy April 11, 2012 at 4:40 pm

According to R/K selection theory, populations living in hostile environments with high mortality rates do tend to have higher reproduction rates with less parental investment in infants. Of course, this makes the conditions worse.

cheetojeebus April 11, 2012 at 4:45 pm

and they're trying to shutdown the last remaining clinic (in Mississippi) that does abortions.

Oblios_Cap April 11, 2012 at 3:29 pm

It's pretty apparent that Walker is adopting a scorched earth policy on the way out the door.

NorthStarSpanx April 11, 2012 at 3:29 pm

I cried and cried the last time I picked up my 3 month supply of BC pills. Bill came up to $100 fucking dollars. Screw family planning, I'm playing Palin Roulette from now on, aka Abstinence Only.

boobookitteh April 11, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Must be the toilet seats.

BaldarTFlagass April 11, 2012 at 4:04 pm

And public swimming pools, also too.

DaRooster April 11, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Those damn kids and their poor janitorial skills… thanks Newt.

edgydrifter April 11, 2012 at 3:31 pm

"Just a little bit" + booze in a plastic bottle – whatever that old hag was talking about in school the other day (asthmatink? absinthe?) + Jesus loves babies = SUCCESS

DetectiveGrey April 11, 2012 at 3:54 pm

This thread is now about booze from plastic bottles.

What's your favorite kind? I'm quite partial to Pinnacle vodka, whatever the flavor.

edgydrifter April 11, 2012 at 4:13 pm

MacNaughton's, because it isn't awful and it won't shatter when you trip over your tackle box "fishing" down by the river.

bagofmice April 11, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Smirnoff for snowboarding. Have you seen what they charge at the lodge?

BaldarTFlagass April 11, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Maybe they could get Shawna the Vegetarian Sexpot to teach those classes. Or maybe Kourtney, who is apparently unemployed nowadays.

Baconzgood April 11, 2012 at 3:35 pm

FLY LATINA HOT PEPPER HOTIE LIBEL!!!!!

LesBontemps April 11, 2012 at 4:10 pm

I blame Obama. (92% of job losses & etc. yadda yadda yadda.)

Goonemeritus April 11, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Although I practiced abstinence for much of my teenage years I don’t think I would have been as successful at it were it not for my ruggedly homely looks combined with a nerdy outlook on life.

I_P April 11, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Now THIS I can fap to!

LiveToServeYa April 11, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Well, they tried using the Bible for sex-ed but it proved to be too porous.

widestanceromance April 11, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Agreed, not very absorbent and the ink smears.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 11, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Those sluts should just sleep with each other. No birth control necessary.

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 3:40 pm

By any chance, would you be able to point me to a website where I might explore your concept more thoroughly?

EDIT: Really, Admin? The word "in-tr-ig-ue" is verboten?

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 11, 2012 at 3:43 pm

I can't right now. Busy.

CivicHoliday April 11, 2012 at 3:36 pm

The GOP apparently mis-read The Hunger Games as an instruction manual.

savethispatient April 11, 2012 at 3:37 pm

All this proves is that if a young woman spends her time with her nose in books, she will repel men. How are you supposed to find a nice rich husband then, eh ladies?

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 11, 2012 at 3:38 pm

If the anti-abortionists were serious they would just outlaw cap'n morgan. That bastard is responsible for more unwanted pregnancies than anyone else I know.

BaldarTFlagass April 11, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Well, him and Bartles and Jaymes. And Jose Cuervo.

bagofmice April 11, 2012 at 4:44 pm

He has a leg up on you.

Mumbletypeg April 11, 2012 at 3:38 pm

April being the month most babies are conceived, that's clever WI legislators. Heading the kids off at the pass before they even know what hit their Trapper-Keepers.

bagofmice April 11, 2012 at 4:45 pm

April fools!

SkinnyNerd April 11, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Surely, they cannot be that stupid. I think these states are probably aware of this, and I am certain that this is some kind of evil Koch brother plan to get more abstinent from thinking voters out there.

</conspiracy>

metamarcisf April 11, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Hemingway was a proponent of Absinthe-only education.

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 3:47 pm

SLOPPY JOE'S RUM LIBEL!

BaldarTFlagass April 11, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Your move, Toulouse Lautrec.

bagofmice April 11, 2012 at 4:46 pm

You have to admit, conception is somewhat difficult in a green fairy on green fairy situation.

metamarcisf April 11, 2012 at 4:58 pm

on Gertrude Stein

BaldarTFlagass April 11, 2012 at 3:40 pm

"Mississippi continues to have the highest teen birth rate, with 55 births per 1,000 girls. New Hampshire has the lowest rate at just under 16 births per 1,000 girls."

♫ "Well East Coast girls are hip
But they don't put out worth a damn
And the Southern girls, with the way they hump
It's raining pussy when I'm 'down there.'
I wish they all could be fornicatin' girls♪"

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 3:47 pm

BRAVO!

*polite golf clap*

You, sir, have earned a martini…

Mumbletypeg April 11, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Great, thanks. The version playing in my head now… it's the tacky D.L. Roth one not the Beach Boys one.
Appropriately enough anyway. When creepy, aged Van Halen references a "momshell" in lieu of a bombshell, who can blame today's young fillies aspiring to brood mare status for all the cachet it holds nowadays?

Jus_Wonderin April 11, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I can see a pregnancy pact coming together right about now. Or, is that packed?

bureaucrap April 11, 2012 at 3:40 pm

More pregnancies = more workers = more competition for jobs = lower wages = race to the bottom = war of all against all = armageddon. Hey bible thumpers — you wanted your apocalypse? You got it.

FakaktaSouth April 11, 2012 at 3:40 pm

This just goes to show you it's truly about poverty and ignorance because the white trash with cash we live amongst don't play this shit. Getting knocked up (at least to the point where people know about it) does not happen. Girls on the pill EVERYwhere, thank you anonymous planned parenthood and it's been like that here since before I was in high school 22 yrs ago. What WOULD people say? You might get nekkid, just don't get busted.

My kid happened to come home with his "we're doing sex next month – get ready. The sheet has info about when the materials that will be taught in class will be available to parents that want to prescreen it and then if you don't want to let your kid participate you can write a letter to the principal. I like making it a pain in the ass to get out of. Takes away some folks who would do it just to be precious. This way they have to be involved. It's all about personal responsibility, ya know?

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 5:10 pm

My kid happened to come home with his "we're doing sex next month – get ready

So they're teaching the true story behind being married?

DaRooster April 11, 2012 at 3:40 pm

(which are all states with abstinence-only sex-ed)

Uh… abstinence CANNOT be sex education… for there is a slight lack of sex.

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 3:48 pm

FAP LIBEL!

DetectiveGrey April 11, 2012 at 3:41 pm

This is good news for Jonathan Swift!

BaldarTFlagass April 11, 2012 at 3:42 pm

How come those girls aren't doing the "duck lips" face?

ifthethunderdontgetya April 11, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Is our country larnin'?

Hell no, larnin' is commie.
~

Warwhatgoodfor April 11, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Old joke: what do you call an Arkansas virgin? Answer: an ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brother. Bada boom!

Eve8Apples April 11, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Governor Scott Walker saw Mississippi lead the U.S. in teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, birth defects and high school dropouts and said, "Now why can't Wisconsin be more like that?"

Biel_ze_Bubba April 12, 2012 at 8:35 am

Con Wisconsin!

(Scott Walker theme song.)

Sassomatic April 11, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Don't hate on Mississippi just cause the girls like to make daddy happy.

I'm going to Hell.

Radio福井県 April 11, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Snark off/
Good news here. The national teen pregnancy rates are the lowest since 1947. It seems as if contraception and sex ed over the last twenty years has paid off. Despite all the wingtards and unrealistic Jeebus prude's overtures. We still have higher teen pregger and STD rates than most Eurotrash countries. Of course, all those countries are strong on the contraception and sex ed.
Snark on/

Gainsbourg69 April 11, 2012 at 7:44 pm

I know MTV has been shit for the past fifteen years, but they have a show about pregnant teens which lets girls know how crappy it is to have a kid at such a young age.

BaldarTFlagass April 11, 2012 at 3:51 pm

I'm shufflin' thru the Texas sand,
but my head's in Mississippi.
The cooze has got a hold of me.
I believe I'm gettin' dizzy.

GunToting[Redacted] April 11, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Dusty Rhodes libel!

widestanceromance April 11, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Hey, shouldn't one leg on those girls be lifted to get a little cap'm in her?

Mumbletypeg April 11, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Seeing that image of Mercede, together with the ALT-TEXT referencing Bristol, makes me think of that old Tom Waits song, "Warm Wine Cooler Women" ♪

Radio福井県 April 11, 2012 at 4:27 pm

M, is that a little after note?

Mumbletypeg April 11, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Normally, I'd try to link to the original song w/ that note symbol.
Alas, I cannot search & display Waits' (or any other classic via youtube) from the office.

Radio福井県 April 11, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Hear that girlfriend. I gots the same IT Nazi's at work. I'm always worried "Access Denied" is going to pop up when I type in wonkette.commie.

Mumbletypeg April 11, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Here ya go ~

Some minor NSFW around 2:00 mark… Danish subtitles.. wth is "cowboystØlver" I wonder?

SayItWithWookies April 11, 2012 at 3:58 pm

It's sex education the Dubya way — stay drunk, fuck anything that moves, and if it gets pregnant either ditch it or (if its family is as rich as yours) take it to a back-alley abortion doctor for a little d&c. Just like all kinds of rich white people healthcare, the only ones who suffer are the ones The LORD looks on with sufficient disfavor to make poor.

Naked_Bunny April 11, 2012 at 3:59 pm

The important thing is that teenage girls are going to Hell for having sex.

widestanceromance April 11, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Right after they get killed by Jason in a secluded location, if I remember my Abst Ed films correctly.

Naked_Bunny April 11, 2012 at 4:25 pm

I should really pay more attention to what's in these bills.

MissTaken April 11, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Abstinence only = how babby formed

Doktor StrangeZoom April 11, 2012 at 4:41 pm

They need to do way instain mother!

elviouslyqueer April 11, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Mississippi, goddamn.

BaldarTFlagass April 11, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Have you been "jumping the fence," EQ? Playing for the other team on occasion?

elviouslyqueer April 11, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Oh right. Not even if they had a 12-inch strap on and looked like Tim Tebow.

Baconzgood April 11, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Nina Simone up fist!

mrblifil April 11, 2012 at 4:14 pm

I would be happy to offer my services as a private tutor to young people seeking guidance on these sensitive issues.

WiscDad April 11, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Legislating us back to the Stone Age. Fucksticks days are numbered.

owhatever April 11, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Section b: Girls will no longer be allowed to have sexual intercourse until they are married and have at least two children, one of each opposite sex, and then only in church, using the approved (Christian) missionary position.

Naked_Bunny April 11, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Also, they will all be cheerleaders, and willing to serve drinks to adult men without sass.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 12, 2012 at 8:41 am

Even Wisconsin GOPtards should be able to see there's a slight problem with that rule.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 11, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Yep. I'm scoring 10th-grade essays online for the Texas standardized testing program on the topic "write about a time when you saw something in a new way," and at just under halfway through the project, I've read 23 first-person essays so far on "how having a baby made me see life differently." These are mostly 15 and 16 year olds, high school sophomores.

It's nowhere near as common as essays about sudden vehicular death, losing a grandparent, or finding Jesus, but damn, there's a lot of them. Not word one about contraception, or sex ed in these girls' essays.

Abstinence education: A Plan for Parenthood.

Naked_Bunny April 11, 2012 at 4:27 pm

It's nowhere near as common as essays about sudden vehicular death, losing a grandparent, or finding Jesus

Those should be outlawed, too.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 12, 2012 at 8:42 am

Crap … now I have to hire a fucking lobbyist?

ElPinche April 11, 2012 at 4:23 pm

This is good news for TLC.

GunToting[Redacted] April 11, 2012 at 5:33 pm

And MTV.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 11, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Like libertarianism, abstinence-based sex ed is perfectly workable, given a set of perfectly spherical human beings in a gravity- and friction-free environment.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 12, 2012 at 8:49 am

Don't forget the vacuum. Libertarianism requires a vacuum.
(Sharing oxygen causes deviations from the theory.)

Maman April 11, 2012 at 4:26 pm

What is wrong with men that they feel that women must be kept ignorant, without healthcare, poor and powerless for even some of them APPEAR to be superior to us?

Doktor StrangeZoom April 11, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Remember a few weeks ago when Utah's governor vetoed the proposed abstinence only bill? One of the bill's co-sponsors, Margaret Dayton, said that "teaching children about contraception is comparable to telling kids not to do drugs, then showing them how to 'mainline' heroin."

Biel_ze_Bubba April 12, 2012 at 8:53 am

And teaching them to use seat belts only encourages them to crash their cars.

The GOP's plan to appeal to the stupid demographic has paid off … the GOP is now full of incredibly stupid people.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 11, 2012 at 4:40 pm

What is with the inundation of posts in the mornings followed by slow afternoons? If you guys want to have siestas I suggest you move to socialist Spain.

commiegirl April 11, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Skullfucker, do not make me bitchslap you about the kind of schedule I'm pulling.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 11, 2012 at 8:45 pm

It's okay. I wake up from naps grumpy too sometimes.

starfanglednut April 11, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Be sure to get enough rest. We want you to be happy. Teh wonkette is a harsh mistress.

littlebigdaddy April 11, 2012 at 4:41 pm

If Mississippi and neighboring states put a moratorium on family reunions, a lot of that would go away.

Come here a minute April 11, 2012 at 4:45 pm

These stats are only for 15-19. Overlooking the fourteen-and-unders leaves Mississippi seriously underrepresented.

widestanceromance April 11, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Wisconsin's teens are ignorant and open for business!

bagofmice April 11, 2012 at 4:56 pm

So, party time in Milwaukee?

cheetojeebus April 11, 2012 at 4:50 pm

OT looks like that darling of the right, the NRA's poster child George Zimmerman, is going to get charged with somethin'.

Preacher_Griz April 11, 2012 at 5:10 pm

hawt!!! Capt Morgan babes!!! O>M>G!!!

Toomush_Infer April 11, 2012 at 5:20 pm

I drive through Wisconsin often, on my way to Minnesota – I believe Gov-to-not-be Walker is in tune with the many billboards urging young women to "keep these babies"….they must be having a tough time keeping up their population….

mormos April 11, 2012 at 5:36 pm

kids receive all their education from the internet these days anyway.

HelmutNewton April 11, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Hmmm, is there any disastrously failed policy that Walker HASN'T enacted yet?

meatpuppet2 April 11, 2012 at 6:08 pm

….also new poll shows that these same states think that a plutocracy with annual teen death matches like in Hunger Games sounds like an ok idea.

BarackMyWorld April 11, 2012 at 10:01 pm

HEY–WHERE'D THE JAILBAIT PICS GO?!?!?

Doktor StrangeZoom April 12, 2012 at 10:53 am

I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed!

ttommyunger April 11, 2012 at 11:15 pm

O.K. kids, there will be no dancing on the fuck floor and no fucking on the dance floor. FIXED!

Negropolis April 12, 2012 at 2:50 am

You'd think with all those sheep and horses, down there, that the teen pregnancy rates would be lower.

DahBoner April 12, 2012 at 8:02 am

So, in other words, Red States are getting slapped on the ass?

swordfis April 12, 2012 at 9:00 am

I wonder if statisticians are keeping track of the stupid. I've lost count a long time ago.

Rayn_And April 12, 2012 at 9:23 am

Ask Jeebus' mom…Abstinence is only 99.999 percent effective.

Limeylizzie April 11, 2012 at 4:12 pm

What say you and I slather ourselves with lemon curd then roll around in coconut and surprise the boss?

Barb April 11, 2012 at 4:30 pm

That's the best idea I've heard all day!

DaRooster April 11, 2012 at 4:43 pm

OK! STOP IT!!

(Be right back)

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 11, 2012 at 4:51 pm

As long as I can still talk about skullfucking I'll be alright.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 12, 2012 at 8:30 am

Drat … I was just about to post a hilarious comment about Willie Nelson's guitar in connection with teen pregnancy, and now you guys don't get to read it.
Blame the Admin.

Chet Kincaid April 12, 2012 at 9:23 am

Intrigue. Trigger.

FakaktaSouth April 11, 2012 at 4:53 pm

This is a thing that has always hurt my feelings about those kinds of folks – they make these laws and do these things and then none of it applies to them. Now in this instance it happens to go a way I prefer because I don't need a bunch of Duggars going to school with my kids, but making it SO HARD for all people to get access to care like abortions, contraception, whatever – when "they" (the fucking, literally, Republicans) still do whatever they need to do makes me SO FREAKING ANGRY. It's all for show and it really hurts people. Other people specifically…

Barb April 11, 2012 at 4:54 pm

DaRooster, wash hands before returning to keyboard, please.

Gainsbourg69 April 11, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Sounds like a lot of the churchgoing couples I know. They make a huge show out of protecting the sanctity of life until an ultra sound reveals that the baby has downs and they face the possibility of losing their standing among the sharks they like to call friends.

DaRooster April 12, 2012 at 10:37 am

I know where that has been…

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