knock my bitch up

States With ‘Abstinence Only’ Sex-Ed Continue To Knock Their Teens Up The Biggest

Bristol is definitely not pregnant in this pictureTeen pregnancy, as everyone knows, is the surest route to emotional health and economic security. And — would you believe it? — the latest numbers show that states with the highest teen pregnancy rates (which are all states with abstinence-only sex-ed) continue to impregnate their li’l Ashleys and Emmas at a rate that’s almost twice the national average! This is excellent news for Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who just signed into law an “abstinence only” sex ed bill: Soon his state will have lots of preggo teen girls, and they can all get arrested for smoking crack on that MTV show, if it is still on, and if it is not, surely they will all be picked to go on Dancing With The Stars.

The legislation signed by Walker would promote abstinence as the only reliable way to prevent pregnancy and sexually-transmitted diseases, teaches the positive socioeconomic benefits of marriage, and adds discussion of bullying to the sex education curriculum school districts may use.

The bill, sponsored by Republican state Sen. Mary Lazich, repeals the Healthy Youth Act passed by Wisconsin legislators in 2010, when Democrats controlled state government. Specifically, this means that the “health benefits, side effects, and proper use of contraceptives” will no longer be taught in schools.

EXCELLENT. As more and more states go abstinence-only, we can get our (white) teen birthrate back on track, as unfortunately it has fallen to its lowest point since 1940.

Nationally, the rate fell 9 percent to about 34 per 1,000 girls ages 15 through 19, and the drop was seen among all racial and ethnic groups. Mississippi continues to have the highest teen birth rate, with 55 births per 1,000 girls. New Hampshire has the lowest rate at just under 16 births per 1,000 girls.

Obviously B. Hussein Obama is to blame for this shift away from our traditional values of settling teen girls down before they get any funny ideas like going to college or earning equal pay for equal work. Abstinence-only for everyone please! We like our mothers the old-fashioned way: teenaged, surly, and hitting the rock. [EdWeek/ThinkProgress]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. finallyhappy

    Bristol and Levi can be the spokespersons. I mean, they both cashed in on abstinence only education

  2. SorosBot

    Let's face it, any woman who graduates high school without a baby is an unfuckable old maid.

    1. MissTaken

      I cannot tell you how much it broke my heart to reach my 36th birthday and not have a grandkid to show for it.

      1. SorosBot

        Yeah, I don't know how I let myself get involved with an old maid like you who not only has reached 36 without grandkids, but hasn't even bred once.

    1. mormos

      wait, that's how it works? sorry, my school was abstinence only and never taught me how is babby formed.

    1. Wilcoxyz

      With the easy access to booze we have here in Louisiana, I don't know how we lost to Mississippi. I guess it's the high tolerance our young ladies have for booze.

    2. Negropolis

      Mississippi leads in a lot of things I bet they wish they didn't. That glass is damn-near overflowing with "WIN".

  3. DaRooster

    "Mississippi continues to have the highest teen birth rate, with 55 births per 1,000 girls."

    Well… they do live in Mississippi… so their lives are pretty much over any how.

  4. Baconzgood

    "adds discussion of bullying to the sex education curriculum"=picking on fags till they kill themselves is just hunkey-dorry.

    1. bagofmice

      I can totally hear a Miami breaks style booty bass song where the lyrical hook is "stop, drop, an start fuckin". It's almost as good as "baby got back."

  5. ManchuCandidate

    Telling teenagers that they can't do something has worked well since the beginning of time like when God told that dumbass Adam not to eat the fucking apple.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        All the village men who had been spotted with her agreed, it had to be a miracle virgin birth. Yep.

    1. SoBeach

      "Telling teenagers that they can't do something has worked well since the beginning of time…"

      …and telling people they shouldn't have sex is about as useful as ordering the sun not to rise.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    If they taught blowjobs, yodeling up the canyon, and buttsex in school, the teen pregnancy rate would really take a nosedive. No one ever got pregnant from a facial.

    1. actor212

      What if…and I'm just brainstorming here…what if you gave a facial to one girl who then immediately ended up with another cooch sat on her face?

      Never thought of THAT, didja son?

      1. DetectiveGrey

        That's about as plausible as a man ejaculating into a woman, who immediately did a lesbian scissor scene in which the second woman got pregnant.

        We need to research this. Right now.

    2. littlebigdaddy

      These teens really need to read Wonkette–they would know ALL about these things of which you speak.

      1. ProgressiveInga

        Jane Fonda's promoting abstinence? wtf, I thought she was helping teens in Georgia understand sexytime by giving them the real 4-1-1……….?

  7. BarackMyWorld

    Abstinence? I wish conservatives would abstain…from voting. Jeez, counterproductive* much?

    *See also: economic policies, conservative; foreign policy, conservative; social policy, conservative.

    1. CommieLibunatic

      With the way the recall is going, I think this is his interpretation of trashing the hotel room before he checks out.

    1. CommieLibunatic

      Purity rings were already pretty much a signal that read "I give anal on a first date."

    2. hagajim

      Problem is, if they don't have any edumucation then they won't knows which hole to put it in…thus preggers.

  8. Baconzgood

    We don't need a condom. I don't have any STD's and I swear that I'll pull out before I cum Mississippi.

    1. UnholyMoses

      I would find it quite easy to masturbate to, if I were asked such a question.

      Of course, no one did, but … ya know …

  9. Antispandex

    Because nothing says "come and fuck me" like the chance to ruin you life? Hummm. No, that can't be it. OH, I know! It could be that young healthy people in their sexual prime are going to attemp to mate no matter how much the religitards hate sex, or the feminists want everyone to wait, till they are too old to have babies, to start trying (because every sperm and egg should go to college first)! Maybe, and I'm spit balling here, maybe we should strive to create opportunities for younger people…so it won't ruin their lives to do what they are supposed to be doing.

    1. SoBeach

      "It could be that young healthy people in their sexual prime are going to attemp to mate…"

      Now now. It's never worked in the entire history of humanity, but THIS time people might just be able to stop other people from getting it on.

      1. Doktor StrangeZoom

        From my perspective behind the Family Court reception desk, widespread human spay-n-neutering would prevent any number of problems.

  10. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    More teen pregnencies equals more abortions. Our evil plan is finally coming to fruition.

      1. VaWyo

        Does the Abortionplex have franchise opportunities? I'd like to get in on that action. Who needs a defined benefit plan and 401(k) match? I'll fund my retirement with the results of all that abstinence only eduction. Cha ching!

  11. OneYieldRegular

    These idiots need to realize that not just anyone can be abstinent like Jesus' teen mom.

  12. Barb

    No way am I going to talk about sex. I sent Jeff a racy text an hour ago and it seems that his boss received it. I'd laugh it off if his boss wasn't coming over tonight for a party. The mind boggles.

        1. Steverino247

          So, we'll just replace "fuck up, move up" with "Fuck Barb, move up." Works for Jeff, I'm sure.

      1. Barb

        Yes, he did. He texted me and asked what kind of cake I was making. I replied:
        "lemon curd and coconut, doesn't matter I'm going to &%*# the taste right out of your mouth when you get home" Just as I hit SEND I noticed the text wasn't from Jeff. The reply was:
        "I'll tell Jeff to expect you."
        It's okay, I don't embarrass easily.

          1. Limeylizzie

            What say you and I slather ourselves with lemon curd then roll around in coconut and surprise the boss?

        1. commiegirl

          How great was the boss's response though? He approves of you loving to fuck your husband. Clearly Jeff's bringing a happy attitude to work.

          1. Barb

            He is texting me because the hockey playoffs start tonight and I am having a party and he wanted to know what dessert I was making. Guess he wanted to get a clue what to bring.

            Anyone who has spent more than three seconds around us knows two things, I am crazy in love with my husband and I say off- the- wall shit constantly.

  13. JustPixelz

    What about states that teach the Bayer method?

    Mississippi has the second lowest abortion rate in the U.S. too! Coincidence?

    The teen birthrate is misleading. With lower life expectancy in those states, they need to start earlier.

    1. littlebigdaddy

      According to R/K selection theory, populations living in hostile environments with high mortality rates do tend to have higher reproduction rates with less parental investment in infants. Of course, this makes the conditions worse.

    2. cheetojeebus

      and they're trying to shutdown the last remaining clinic (in Mississippi) that does abortions.

  14. Oblios_Cap

    It's pretty apparent that Walker is adopting a scorched earth policy on the way out the door.

  15. NorthStarSpanx

    I cried and cried the last time I picked up my 3 month supply of BC pills. Bill came up to $100 fucking dollars. Screw family planning, I'm playing Palin Roulette from now on, aka Abstinence Only.

  16. edgydrifter

    "Just a little bit" + booze in a plastic bottle – whatever that old hag was talking about in school the other day (asthmatink? absinthe?) + Jesus loves babies = SUCCESS

    1. DetectiveGrey

      This thread is now about booze from plastic bottles.

      What's your favorite kind? I'm quite partial to Pinnacle vodka, whatever the flavor.

      1. edgydrifter

        MacNaughton's, because it isn't awful and it won't shatter when you trip over your tackle box "fishing" down by the river.

  17. BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe they could get Shawna the Vegetarian Sexpot to teach those classes. Or maybe Kourtney, who is apparently unemployed nowadays.

  18. Goonemeritus

    Although I practiced abstinence for much of my teenage years I don’t think I would have been as successful at it were it not for my ruggedly homely looks combined with a nerdy outlook on life.

    1. actor212

      By any chance, would you be able to point me to a website where I might explore your concept more thoroughly?

      EDIT: Really, Admin? The word "in-tr-ig-ue" is verboten?

  19. savethispatient

    All this proves is that if a young woman spends her time with her nose in books, she will repel men. How are you supposed to find a nice rich husband then, eh ladies?

  20. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    If the anti-abortionists were serious they would just outlaw cap'n morgan. That bastard is responsible for more unwanted pregnancies than anyone else I know.

  21. Mumbletypeg

    April being the month most babies are conceived, that's clever WI legislators. Heading the kids off at the pass before they even know what hit their Trapper-Keepers.

  22. SkinnyNerd

    Surely, they cannot be that stupid. I think these states are probably aware of this, and I am certain that this is some kind of evil Koch brother plan to get more abstinent from thinking voters out there.


    1. bagofmice

      You have to admit, conception is somewhat difficult in a green fairy on green fairy situation.

  23. BaldarTFlagass

    "Mississippi continues to have the highest teen birth rate, with 55 births per 1,000 girls. New Hampshire has the lowest rate at just under 16 births per 1,000 girls."

    ♫ "Well East Coast girls are hip
    But they don't put out worth a damn
    And the Southern girls, with the way they hump
    It's raining pussy when I'm 'down there.'
    I wish they all could be fornicatin' girls♪"

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Great, thanks. The version playing in my head now… it's the tacky D.L. Roth one not the Beach Boys one.
      Appropriately enough anyway. When creepy, aged Van Halen references a "momshell" in lieu of a bombshell, who can blame today's young fillies aspiring to brood mare status for all the cachet it holds nowadays?

  24. bureaucrap

    More pregnancies = more workers = more competition for jobs = lower wages = race to the bottom = war of all against all = armageddon. Hey bible thumpers — you wanted your apocalypse? You got it.

  25. FakaktaSouth

    This just goes to show you it's truly about poverty and ignorance because the white trash with cash we live amongst don't play this shit. Getting knocked up (at least to the point where people know about it) does not happen. Girls on the pill EVERYwhere, thank you anonymous planned parenthood and it's been like that here since before I was in high school 22 yrs ago. What WOULD people say? You might get nekkid, just don't get busted.

    My kid happened to come home with his "we're doing sex next month – get ready. The sheet has info about when the materials that will be taught in class will be available to parents that want to prescreen it and then if you don't want to let your kid participate you can write a letter to the principal. I like making it a pain in the ass to get out of. Takes away some folks who would do it just to be precious. This way they have to be involved. It's all about personal responsibility, ya know?

    1. actor212

      My kid happened to come home with his "we're doing sex next month – get ready

      So they're teaching the true story behind being married?

  26. DaRooster

    (which are all states with abstinence-only sex-ed)

    Uh… abstinence CANNOT be sex education… for there is a slight lack of sex.

  27. Warwhatgoodfor

    Old joke: what do you call an Arkansas virgin? Answer: an ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brother. Bada boom!

  28. Eve8Apples

    Governor Scott Walker saw Mississippi lead the U.S. in teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, birth defects and high school dropouts and said, "Now why can't Wisconsin be more like that?"

  29. Sassomatic

    Don't hate on Mississippi just cause the girls like to make daddy happy.

    I'm going to Hell.

  30. Radio福井県

    Snark off/
    Good news here. The national teen pregnancy rates are the lowest since 1947. It seems as if contraception and sex ed over the last twenty years has paid off. Despite all the wingtards and unrealistic Jeebus prude's overtures. We still have higher teen pregger and STD rates than most Eurotrash countries. Of course, all those countries are strong on the contraception and sex ed.
    Snark on/

    1. Gainsbourg69

      I know MTV has been shit for the past fifteen years, but they have a show about pregnant teens which lets girls know how crappy it is to have a kid at such a young age.

  31. BaldarTFlagass

    I'm shufflin' thru the Texas sand,
    but my head's in Mississippi.
    The cooze has got a hold of me.
    I believe I'm gettin' dizzy.

  32. Mumbletypeg

    Seeing that image of Mercede, together with the ALT-TEXT referencing Bristol, makes me think of that old Tom Waits song, "Warm Wine Cooler Women" ♪

      1. Mumbletypeg

        Normally, I'd try to link to the original song w/ that note symbol.
        Alas, I cannot search & display Waits' (or any other classic via youtube) from the office.

        1. Radio福井県

          Hear that girlfriend. I gots the same IT Nazi's at work. I'm always worried "Access Denied" is going to pop up when I type in wonkette.commie.

  33. SayItWithWookies

    It's sex education the Dubya way — stay drunk, fuck anything that moves, and if it gets pregnant either ditch it or (if its family is as rich as yours) take it to a back-alley abortion doctor for a little d&c. Just like all kinds of rich white people healthcare, the only ones who suffer are the ones The LORD looks on with sufficient disfavor to make poor.

    1. widestanceromance

      Right after they get killed by Jason in a secluded location, if I remember my Abst Ed films correctly.

  34. owhatever

    Section b: Girls will no longer be allowed to have sexual intercourse until they are married and have at least two children, one of each opposite sex, and then only in church, using the approved (Christian) missionary position.

    1. Naked_Bunny

      Also, they will all be cheerleaders, and willing to serve drinks to adult men without sass.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Even Wisconsin GOPtards should be able to see there's a slight problem with that rule.

  35. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Yep. I'm scoring 10th-grade essays online for the Texas standardized testing program on the topic "write about a time when you saw something in a new way," and at just under halfway through the project, I've read 23 first-person essays so far on "how having a baby made me see life differently." These are mostly 15 and 16 year olds, high school sophomores.

    It's nowhere near as common as essays about sudden vehicular death, losing a grandparent, or finding Jesus, but damn, there's a lot of them. Not word one about contraception, or sex ed in these girls' essays.

    Abstinence education: A Plan for Parenthood.

    1. Naked_Bunny

      It's nowhere near as common as essays about sudden vehicular death, losing a grandparent, or finding Jesus

      Those should be outlawed, too.

  36. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Like libertarianism, abstinence-based sex ed is perfectly workable, given a set of perfectly spherical human beings in a gravity- and friction-free environment.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Don't forget the vacuum. Libertarianism requires a vacuum.
      (Sharing oxygen causes deviations from the theory.)

  37. Maman

    What is wrong with men that they feel that women must be kept ignorant, without healthcare, poor and powerless for even some of them APPEAR to be superior to us?

  38. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Remember a few weeks ago when Utah's governor vetoed the proposed abstinence only bill? One of the bill's co-sponsors, Margaret Dayton, said that "teaching children about contraception is comparable to telling kids not to do drugs, then showing them how to 'mainline' heroin."

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      And teaching them to use seat belts only encourages them to crash their cars.

      The GOP's plan to appeal to the stupid demographic has paid off … the GOP is now full of incredibly stupid people.

  39. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    What is with the inundation of posts in the mornings followed by slow afternoons? If you guys want to have siestas I suggest you move to socialist Spain.

  40. littlebigdaddy

    If Mississippi and neighboring states put a moratorium on family reunions, a lot of that would go away.

  41. Come here a minute

    These stats are only for 15-19. Overlooking the fourteen-and-unders leaves Mississippi seriously underrepresented.

  42. cheetojeebus

    OT looks like that darling of the right, the NRA's poster child George Zimmerman, is going to get charged with somethin'.

  43. Toomush_Infer

    I drive through Wisconsin often, on my way to Minnesota – I believe Gov-to-not-be Walker is in tune with the many billboards urging young women to "keep these babies"….they must be having a tough time keeping up their population….

  44. meatpuppet2

    ….also new poll shows that these same states think that a plutocracy with annual teen death matches like in Hunger Games sounds like an ok idea.

  45. ttommyunger

    O.K. kids, there will be no dancing on the fuck floor and no fucking on the dance floor. FIXED!

  46. Negropolis

    You'd think with all those sheep and horses, down there, that the teen pregnancy rates would be lower.

  47. swordfis

    I wonder if statisticians are keeping track of the stupid. I've lost count a long time ago.

  48. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Drat … I was just about to post a hilarious comment about Willie Nelson's guitar in connection with teen pregnancy, and now you guys don't get to read it.
    Blame the Admin.

  49. FakaktaSouth

    This is a thing that has always hurt my feelings about those kinds of folks – they make these laws and do these things and then none of it applies to them. Now in this instance it happens to go a way I prefer because I don't need a bunch of Duggars going to school with my kids, but making it SO HARD for all people to get access to care like abortions, contraception, whatever – when "they" (the fucking, literally, Republicans) still do whatever they need to do makes me SO FREAKING ANGRY. It's all for show and it really hurts people. Other people specifically…

  50. Gainsbourg69

    Sounds like a lot of the churchgoing couples I know. They make a huge show out of protecting the sanctity of life until an ultra sound reveals that the baby has downs and they face the possibility of losing their standing among the sharks they like to call friends.

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