EYE OF THE TIGER  12:50 pm April 11, 2012

Check-Kiting Swindler Newt Gingrich Says He Is Rocky And Reagan On ‘Newsmax.tv’ (VIDEO)

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

CALLISTAAAAAAAHumanesque check-kiting shit-pie fraud Newt Gingrich has had an embarrassing day. Where he should have been eating pouty dick Rick Santorum’s brains to garner his fallen opponent’s powers, instead he is busy getting laughed at for bouncing a $500 check for Utah’s ballot filing fee. Newsmax.tv got to EXCLUSIVELY INTERVIEW His Corpulence, but shockingly they did not ask him about this hilarious news. Instead they just let him go on with your typical boilerplate of “drill” and “Etch a Sketch” and “I am Rocky Balboa and Reagan” and “when do my V Lizardoid Queen Consort and I get to go back to Greece.” Well, you could go now, you know. Bet Mitt Romney would even generously pay for the Greyhound tickets!

Pretty much the only thing we heard in this “exclusive interview” (Newt Gingrich is really boring when he is sad) is that making rich people pay the same tax rate as poor people is “punishing them for being successful,” because of course it is. Here, have this sad pathetic thing. Oh for the Newt Gingrich of old, making John King cry.

[SaltLakeTribune/Newsmax.tv]

 
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{ 104 comments }

Barb April 11, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Rocky and Reagan? He's more Lois than Clark.

sullivanst April 11, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Historian Newt Gingrich believes he was part of the Lois and Clark expedition.

SorosBot April 11, 2012 at 1:21 pm

But Lois is still a feminist and an intelligent intrepid journalist, he can't rise to her level either. He's more like the Toyman, the most pathetic villain in all Clark's rogues' gallery.

GunToting[Redacted] April 11, 2012 at 1:32 pm

More Rocky and Bullwinkle (and, more Bullwinkle than Rocky).

mormos April 11, 2012 at 2:20 pm

didn't you know? Gingrich is a genetically engineered ubermench whose genes are the combination or Reagan, Rocky, Truman, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Jesus, Buddha, a lizard, Quetzalcoatl, spiderman, and He-man.

Boojum April 11, 2012 at 7:00 pm

And an over sexed sociopathic chimp.

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Rocky and Reagan?

Ew. There's an image no amount of brain bleach will scrub: Reagan in Rocky's bloody trunks "Cut me, Mick!"

Oblios_Cap April 11, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Try mooseberry juice.

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 2:51 pm

If I don't have mooseberries, will gooseberries suffice? Raspberries aren't in season yet, and I'd need them for the plum sauce anyway.

slithytoves April 11, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Where he should have been eating pouty dick Rick Santorum’s brains to garner his fallen opponent’s powers.

That's the kind of meal that will leave you feeling hungrier than before you ate it..

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Where he should have been eating pouty dick Rick Santorum’s brains to garner his fallen opponent’s powers

Don't you mean "slicing Santorum's head off with his 600 year old samurai sword, because THERE! CAN! BE! ONLY! ONE!"

SexySmurf April 11, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Hate to break it to you Newt, but Rocky lost to the black guy.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 11, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Thread has been won.

GOPCrusher April 11, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Actually it was a split decision and the white boy won in the second fight. * Cue Rocky theme song *
USA! USA! USA!

Tundra Grifter April 11, 2012 at 2:21 pm

But didn't the Blah Guy then get killed by the Russian?

veritass April 11, 2012 at 12:54 pm

I just really want to know how the broke Stay Puft got so many "other people" to marry him.

DaRooster April 11, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Don't write checks that your fat, broke, loser ass can't cash…

(I learned this some years ago… so I quit being fat and a loser)

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Really?

I just stopped writing checks.

freakishlywrong April 11, 2012 at 12:55 pm

One wonders, like Dubya, who is delusional and sad enough to pay this fartsack for anything he has to say, to "replenish the ole' coffers".

ElPinche April 11, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Dildo Gingrich from the Hilshire Farms.

OkieDokieDog April 11, 2012 at 12:56 pm

He just loves America so much that he writes a hot check.

IceCreamEmpress April 11, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Hey, now, Utah wouldn't take Whore Diamonds or copies of his books.

Boojum April 11, 2012 at 8:02 pm

At least it wasn't a FAT check, amirite?

Goonemeritus April 11, 2012 at 12:57 pm

I think his constituents would respond better if instead of pointing out that making the rich pay more is penalizing the successful he argued that are present system is good because it really screws the poor.

iburl April 11, 2012 at 12:57 pm

He divorced his bank because he found a newer one.

freakishlywrong April 11, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Oh, and Newt bouncing a check to get on the ballot is a screaming metaphor for this whole embarrassing, fucked up, "primary".

ManchuCandidate April 11, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Fattin' up, back on the street
Did my run, got some diamonds
Went the distance
Now I've got more fat on my back
Just a man and his desire to grift (feebs)

So many times, it happens too fast
You trade your sick wife for another
Don't lose your grip on the delusions of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

It's the Flab of the Gingrich
It's the thrill of the lie
Risin' up to the challenge
Of her expenses
And the well known loser
Eats buffets through the night
And he's hoping we'll all get the
Flab of the Gingrich

YasserArraFeck April 11, 2012 at 1:00 pm

adipose poetry (adipoetry?)

freakishlywrong April 11, 2012 at 1:04 pm

I now have Flab of the Gingrich as an earworm and am singing it aloud. I want to thank you for that.

Blueb4sunrise April 11, 2012 at 12:58 pm

…Humanesque check-kiting shit-pie fraud…

Newt brings out the best in Her Editrixness

JustPixelz April 11, 2012 at 1:05 pm

You noticed that too? I think she's channelling Callista-bot.

Wile E. Quixote April 11, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Shouldn't there be an Oxford comma in there somewhere?

FakaktaSouth April 11, 2012 at 12:59 pm

making rich people pay the same tax rate as poor people is “punishing them for being successful,”

EXCUSE ME NEIL BOOOOORTHZFUCFARTZ is telling "them" (they, the PresO – focused – there's – no – Mitt – Romney – we – are – against – not – for – someone people) this is a lie. The middle class already pays the EXACT SAME PERCENTAGE IN CAPITAL GAINS and THE EXACT SAME TAX RATE AS EVERYONE. Did you know we have a flat tax? I did not. But this is what my Rs are yelling at me today. Obama is lying about how poorz don't pay capital gains? So shut up? This is going to be A CRAZY head shaking nonsense campaign this year. CRAZY. I'm kinda looking forward to it?

freakishlywrong April 11, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Poors have capital gains?

YasserArraFeck April 11, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Poors have capital punishment – especially the blah poors

FakaktaSouth April 11, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Yes, when they sell their (houses? Precious gold? Stocks?) for a higher price, AND they pay the exact same as millionaires on the "Same TAXABLE income" – when they describe what is taxable now, it kinda changes the meaning of the argument, but, words are hard.

sullivanst April 11, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Shhhhh! This room is not quiet.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 11, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Did you know you have to pay capital gains tax when you sell plasma? I'm pretty sure that's true and not at all something that I just made up.

JustPixelz April 11, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Taxes are not punishment. It's the cost of Freedom™.

sullivanst April 11, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Taxes are the price we pay for a civilized society.

– Oliver Wendell Holmes

Civilized? Fuck that!

– Tea Party

ttommyunger April 11, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Neil Boortz? That doughy pantload? You just had to go there, didn't you? Fuck me running, Boortz and Gingrich in the same article! Excuse me while I take three consecutive showers.

Goonemeritus April 11, 2012 at 1:00 pm

BTW $500 to register in Utah is an outrage, what is that like $4.25 for every potential voter?

GunToting[Redacted] April 11, 2012 at 1:35 pm

C'mon, you know that R-Money's crew is cold-registerin' dead Mormons so they can mail in their votes from their home planets.

Callyson April 11, 2012 at 1:00 pm

"My wife is actually working the last three days in New York City"

Can't wait to see the new baubles she is getting with what's left of Newt's campaign funds.

chicken_thief April 11, 2012 at 1:08 pm

What corner is she on? Anyone know?

Biel_ze_Bubba April 11, 2012 at 4:13 pm

That's why the check bounced.

Oblios_Cap April 11, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Rocky and Reagan? Shit, that's more cartoonish than Rocky and Bullwinkle. Who were actually cool and hung around with moonmen.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 11, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Gidney & Cloyd would never invite Newt to their moonbase.

Baconzgood April 11, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Wasn't Rockey Reagan a Ben & Jerry's flavor?

freakishlywrong April 11, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Tastes like privilege mixed with resentment.

chicken_thief April 11, 2012 at 1:09 pm

But you forget what it tasted like a couple of hours later.

Boojum April 11, 2012 at 8:06 pm

This, to me, is winning with style.

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Rocky Roccocco was

johnnyzhivago April 11, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Movie Idea:

Newt goes to the moon when he loses and then comes back in 50 years with a clone army to conquer the earth.

JustPixelz April 11, 2012 at 1:07 pm

A clone of army of Newt Gingriches would be pretty harmless. Unless it attacks an all-you-can-cram-down-your-massive-pie-hole buffet.

noodlesalad April 11, 2012 at 1:01 pm

"Adriennnnnne! Adriennnnnne! I'm leaving you for this hot chick who held up the Round 8 sign."

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 11, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Trying to make sense of today's headlines is giving me a headache.

Callyson April 11, 2012 at 1:29 pm

That's when I take the advice of the Talking Heads. Life is much more pleasant that way.

BaldarTFlagass April 11, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Who took the money away?

Of course, for Newt, "Girlfriend is Better" than wife.

johnnyzhivago April 11, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Don't worry, Newt, you'll never be rich enough for the Buffet rules to seriously impact you.

WiscDad April 11, 2012 at 1:20 pm

The Buffet Rules? You mean no AARP discount after 4:30?

SorosBot April 11, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Here I thought the Buffett Rule was that some people say that there's a woman to blame; but I know (doo doo doo do do) it's my own damn fault.

MissTaken April 11, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Thankfully, there's booze in the blender.

SorosBot April 11, 2012 at 2:19 pm

That does making listening to these dumb reactionary troglodytes a lot easier.

Boojum April 11, 2012 at 8:07 pm

"Some people" = Newt

ifthethunderdontgetya April 11, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Humanesque check-kiting shit-pie fraud Newt Gingrich…

You really know how to write an intro, Rebecca!

;-)

Oblios_Cap April 11, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Don't sugarcoat it. Tell us how you really feel.

Baconzgood April 11, 2012 at 1:02 pm

A "V" reference? I like you Rebecca. You make 80's jokes that help my old school snark.

SexySmurf April 11, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I am Rocky Balboa and Reagan

To which, Mitt "The Mormon Express" Romney replied, "I must break you!"

OneYieldRegular April 11, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Too bad there are no criminally misleading lending practices from Countrywide on which he might blame having bought a campaign he couldn't afford.

orygoon April 11, 2012 at 1:09 pm

The bounced check fee for him should be "all the other money you can possibly raise, including a week's worth of grocery money", like it is for everyone else.

chicken_thief April 11, 2012 at 1:11 pm

A check? What, Utah doesn't take PayPal?!

littlebigdaddy April 11, 2012 at 1:16 pm

They do accept golden tablets.

Boojum April 11, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Which is how Dr. Congressman Ron Paul paid.

Oblios_Cap April 11, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Newsmax? Who in the world cares about anything that appears in that rag?

GOPCrusher April 11, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Anyone that has a free copy of Sarah Palin's book.

GemlikeFlame April 11, 2012 at 1:12 pm

OK. Santorum, in a rare apprehension of reality took himself out of the race. Is it too much to ask Newt to do the same and STFU in the bargain?

Yeah, I know. No. Also.

MadBrahms April 11, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Having loads of cash does not make you "successful". Newt has been Exhibit A on that one, and in his case, the punishment was for being a colossal dick.

littlebigdaddy April 11, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Rocky and Bullwinkle, more like.

Tundra Grifter April 11, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Moose & Squirrel libel!

mrblifil April 11, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Like Adrienne's need for glasses, Gingrich's need to be President turns out to be psychosomatic.

SorosBot April 11, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Of course, Rocky was soundly defeated by the black incumbent champion, but Newt's not gonna get to the point of fighting him in the first place.

James Michael Curley April 11, 2012 at 1:28 pm

If Newt is going to Greece by Greyhound, I'm going to Pier 92 to watch it drive off.

James Michael Curley April 11, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Calista had a gig last Sunday in choir of the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. This should help Newt pay off those campaign debts.

BaldarTFlagass April 11, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Let me guess: Newt stole the collection plate?

Gunner Asch April 11, 2012 at 4:16 pm

She thought she was going to the Basilisk Shrine where she'd be more comfortable.

Slim_Pickins April 11, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Just another example of the Republican's dedication to fiscal responsibility.

owhatever April 11, 2012 at 1:42 pm

The elites kicked him in the balls again and now Callista cries for America. And about the warning letter from Tiffany's.

BaldarTFlagass April 11, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Buh bah BAAAAAAAAH
Bah bah BUUUUUUH
Buh bah BAAAAAAAAH
Bah bah BUUUUUUH

Trying hard now
it's so hard now
trying hard now

Getting broke now
won't be long now
getting broke now

Gonna scam now
flying high now
gonna fly, fly, fly…

Buh bah BAAAAAAAAH
Bah bah BUUUUUUH
Buh bah BAAAAAAAAH
Bah bah BUUUUUUH

ttommyunger April 11, 2012 at 2:01 pm

So, where do you have to go to find someone dumb enough to take a Gingrich check? Fucking Utah, naturally.

EloquentScience April 11, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Greyhound tickets to Greece? Sure you don't mean Athens, Georgia? Otherwise, can't get there from here. ♫♫

proudgrampa April 11, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Oh. For. Fuck's. Sake.

rickmaci April 11, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Dear Mr. Gingrich.

We regret to inform you that your account has been placed on hold due to $4.5 million of unpaid bills reported outstanding against your credit.

Regards,
Tiffany's

Troglodeity April 11, 2012 at 2:06 pm

"I coulda been a CONTENDER!"

Whoops, wrong boxing movie analogy.

Schmegeg April 11, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Women kill legs, Newt. Dump the pet store broad, the Tiffany catalogue, any interns on the side. and the miscellaneous airport hotel floozies, and we can talk.

GOPCrusher April 11, 2012 at 2:20 pm

A guy that bounces a 500 dollar check is just the person this country needs to reduce the deficit and bring economic sanity back to America!

Tundra Grifter April 11, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Ole Newt is a lot like Rocky – too many sequels, a story no longer believable, in the public eye well past the sell-by date. Punch drunk, broke and broken down, he wanders the streets in a pathetic attempt to hang on to some shread of relevance and interest.

bureaucrap April 11, 2012 at 3:04 pm

"Humanesque check-kiting shit-pie fraud"

I don't know if some of the late, great Ken Layne has rubbed off on you, but I love it! More, more, please!!!!!

occams8ball April 11, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Stallone and William S. Burroughs were in a movie? Which is it???!!!??

BornInATrailer April 11, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Except Rocky is a smart person's idea of what a dumb person sounds like and Ronnie didn't leave his wife when she got cancer.

Other than that, metaphors are solid (discipline).

Antispandex April 11, 2012 at 3:19 pm

"…that making rich people pay the same tax rate as poor people is “punishing them for being successful,” because of course it is."

Of course that causes one to infer that the present state of things punishes the poor for not being as successful as the rich. Something I am sure the newt, and his base, feel just peachy about! So, you see, it would be pointless and wrong to spread the suffering to the better people. Paris Hilton would be all depressed if she didn't get some new shoes…so she could create more jobs. See?

imissopus April 11, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Yeah, there is just no way I am watching that.

GlowneyHouse April 11, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Needs to work on the "eat lightning." Got the "crap thunder" down though.

DahBoner April 11, 2012 at 4:11 pm

How high is Newt?

Newts SO HIGH that NASA just called and told him the Jerk Store on the fucking Moon just ran out of him…

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