CALLISTAAAAAAAHumanesque check-kiting shit-pie fraud Newt Gingrich has had an embarrassing day. Where he should have been eating pouty dick Rick Santorum’s brains to garner his fallen opponent’s powers, instead he is busy getting laughed at for bouncing a $500 check for Utah’s ballot filing fee. got to EXCLUSIVELY INTERVIEW His Corpulence, but shockingly they did not ask him about this hilarious news. Instead they just let him go on with your typical boilerplate of “drill” and “Etch a Sketch” and “I am Rocky Balboa and Reagan” and “when do my V Lizardoid Queen Consort and I get to go back to Greece.” Well, you could go now, you know. Bet Mitt Romney would even generously pay for the Greyhound tickets!

Pretty much the only thing we heard in this “exclusive interview” (Newt Gingrich is really boring when he is sad) is that making rich people pay the same tax rate as poor people is “punishing them for being successful,” because of course it is. Here, have this sad pathetic thing. Oh for the Newt Gingrich of old, making John King cry.


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  • Barb

    Rocky and Reagan? He's more Lois than Clark.

    • sullivanst

      Historian Newt Gingrich believes he was part of the Lois and Clark expedition.

    • SorosBot

      But Lois is still a feminist and an intelligent intrepid journalist, he can't rise to her level either. He's more like the Toyman, the most pathetic villain in all Clark's rogues' gallery.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      More Rocky and Bullwinkle (and, more Bullwinkle than Rocky).

    • mormos

      didn't you know? Gingrich is a genetically engineered ubermench whose genes are the combination or Reagan, Rocky, Truman, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Jesus, Buddha, a lizard, Quetzalcoatl, spiderman, and He-man.

      • Boojum

        And an over sexed sociopathic chimp.

  • Rocky and Reagan?

    Ew. There's an image no amount of brain bleach will scrub: Reagan in Rocky's bloody trunks "Cut me, Mick!"

    • Oblios_Cap

      Try mooseberry juice.

      • If I don't have mooseberries, will gooseberries suffice? Raspberries aren't in season yet, and I'd need them for the plum sauce anyway.

  • slithytoves

    Where he should have been eating pouty dick Rick Santorum’s brains to garner his fallen opponent’s powers.

    That's the kind of meal that will leave you feeling hungrier than before you ate it..

  • Where he should have been eating pouty dick Rick Santorum’s brains to garner his fallen opponent’s powers

    Don't you mean "slicing Santorum's head off with his 600 year old samurai sword, because THERE! CAN! BE! ONLY! ONE!"

  • SexySmurf

    Hate to break it to you Newt, but Rocky lost to the black guy.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Thread has been won.

    • GOPCrusher

      Actually it was a split decision and the white boy won in the second fight. * Cue Rocky theme song *
      USA! USA! USA!

      • Tundra Grifter

        But didn't the Blah Guy then get killed by the Russian?

  • veritass

    I just really want to know how the broke Stay Puft got so many "other people" to marry him.

  • DaRooster

    Don't write checks that your fat, broke, loser ass can't cash…

    (I learned this some years ago… so I quit being fat and a loser)

    • Really?

      I just stopped writing checks.

  • freakishlywrong

    One wonders, like Dubya, who is delusional and sad enough to pay this fartsack for anything he has to say, to "replenish the ole' coffers".

  • ElPinche

    Dildo Gingrich from the Hilshire Farms.

  • OkieDokieDog

    He just loves America so much that he writes a hot check.

    • IceCreamEmpress

      Hey, now, Utah wouldn't take Whore Diamonds or copies of his books.

    • Boojum

      At least it wasn't a FAT check, amirite?

  • Goonemeritus

    I think his constituents would respond better if instead of pointing out that making the rich pay more is penalizing the successful he argued that are present system is good because it really screws the poor.

  • iburl

    He divorced his bank because he found a newer one.

  • freakishlywrong

    Oh, and Newt bouncing a check to get on the ballot is a screaming metaphor for this whole embarrassing, fucked up, "primary".

  • Fattin' up, back on the street
    Did my run, got some diamonds
    Went the distance
    Now I've got more fat on my back
    Just a man and his desire to grift (feebs)

    So many times, it happens too fast
    You trade your sick wife for another
    Don't lose your grip on the delusions of the past
    You must fight just to keep them alive

    It's the Flab of the Gingrich
    It's the thrill of the lie
    Risin' up to the challenge
    Of her expenses
    And the well known loser
    Eats buffets through the night
    And he's hoping we'll all get the
    Flab of the Gingrich

    • YasserArraFeck

      adipose poetry (adipoetry?)

    • freakishlywrong

      I now have Flab of the Gingrich as an earworm and am singing it aloud. I want to thank you for that.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    …Humanesque check-kiting shit-pie fraud…

    Newt brings out the best in Her Editrixness

    • JustPixelz

      You noticed that too? I think she's channelling Callista-bot.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Shouldn't there be an Oxford comma in there somewhere?

  • FakaktaSouth

    making rich people pay the same tax rate as poor people is “punishing them for being successful,”

    EXCUSE ME NEIL BOOOOORTHZFUCFARTZ is telling "them" (they, the PresO – focused – there's – no – Mitt – Romney – we – are – against – not – for – someone people) this is a lie. The middle class already pays the EXACT SAME PERCENTAGE IN CAPITAL GAINS and THE EXACT SAME TAX RATE AS EVERYONE. Did you know we have a flat tax? I did not. But this is what my Rs are yelling at me today. Obama is lying about how poorz don't pay capital gains? So shut up? This is going to be A CRAZY head shaking nonsense campaign this year. CRAZY. I'm kinda looking forward to it?

    • freakishlywrong

      Poors have capital gains?

      • YasserArraFeck

        Poors have capital punishment – especially the blah poors

      • FakaktaSouth

        Yes, when they sell their (houses? Precious gold? Stocks?) for a higher price, AND they pay the exact same as millionaires on the "Same TAXABLE income" – when they describe what is taxable now, it kinda changes the meaning of the argument, but, words are hard.

      • sullivanst

        Shhhhh! This room is not quiet.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Did you know you have to pay capital gains tax when you sell plasma? I'm pretty sure that's true and not at all something that I just made up.

    • JustPixelz

      Taxes are not punishment. It's the cost of Freedom™.

      • sullivanst

        Taxes are the price we pay for a civilized society.

        — Oliver Wendell Holmes

        Civilized? Fuck that!

        — Tea Party

    • ttommyunger

      Neil Boortz? That doughy pantload? You just had to go there, didn't you? Fuck me running, Boortz and Gingrich in the same article! Excuse me while I take three consecutive showers.

  • Goonemeritus

    BTW $500 to register in Utah is an outrage, what is that like $4.25 for every potential voter?

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      C'mon, you know that R-Money's crew is cold-registerin' dead Mormons so they can mail in their votes from their home planets.

  • Callyson

    "My wife is actually working the last three days in New York City"

    Can't wait to see the new baubles she is getting with what's left of Newt's campaign funds.

    • chicken_thief

      What corner is she on? Anyone know?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      That's why the check bounced.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Rocky and Reagan? Shit, that's more cartoonish than Rocky and Bullwinkle. Who were actually cool and hung around with moonmen.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Gidney & Cloyd would never invite Newt to their moonbase.

  • Baconzgood

    Wasn't Rockey Reagan a Ben & Jerry's flavor?

    • freakishlywrong

      Tastes like privilege mixed with resentment.

      • chicken_thief

        But you forget what it tasted like a couple of hours later.

      • Boojum

        This, to me, is winning with style.

    • Rocky Roccocco was

  • Movie Idea:

    Newt goes to the moon when he loses and then comes back in 50 years with a clone army to conquer the earth.

    • JustPixelz

      A clone of army of Newt Gingriches would be pretty harmless. Unless it attacks an all-you-can-cram-down-your-massive-pie-hole buffet.

  • noodlesalad

    "Adriennnnnne! Adriennnnnne! I'm leaving you for this hot chick who held up the Round 8 sign."

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Trying to make sense of today's headlines is giving me a headache.

    • Callyson

      That's when I take the advice of the Talking Heads. Life is much more pleasant that way.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Who took the money away?

        Of course, for Newt, "Girlfriend is Better" than wife.

  • Don't worry, Newt, you'll never be rich enough for the Buffet rules to seriously impact you.

    • WiscDad

      The Buffet Rules? You mean no AARP discount after 4:30?

      • SorosBot

        Here I thought the Buffett Rule was that some people say that there's a woman to blame; but I know (doo doo doo do do) it's my own damn fault.

        • MissTaken

          Thankfully, there's booze in the blender.

          • SorosBot

            That does making listening to these dumb reactionary troglodytes a lot easier.

        • Boojum

          "Some people" = Newt

  • Humanesque check-kiting shit-pie fraud Newt Gingrich…

    You really know how to write an intro, Rebecca!


    • Oblios_Cap

      Don't sugarcoat it. Tell us how you really feel.

  • Baconzgood

    A "V" reference? I like you Rebecca. You make 80's jokes that help my old school snark.

  • SexySmurf

    I am Rocky Balboa and Reagan

    To which, Mitt "The Mormon Express" Romney replied, "I must break you!"

  • OneYieldRegular

    Too bad there are no criminally misleading lending practices from Countrywide on which he might blame having bought a campaign he couldn't afford.

  • orygoon

    The bounced check fee for him should be "all the other money you can possibly raise, including a week's worth of grocery money", like it is for everyone else.

  • chicken_thief

    A check? What, Utah doesn't take PayPal?!

    • littlebigdaddy

      They do accept golden tablets.

      • Boojum

        Which is how Dr. Congressman Ron Paul paid.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Newsmax? Who in the world cares about anything that appears in that rag?

    • GOPCrusher

      Anyone that has a free copy of Sarah Palin's book.

  • GemlikeFlame

    OK. Santorum, in a rare apprehension of reality took himself out of the race. Is it too much to ask Newt to do the same and STFU in the bargain?

    Yeah, I know. No. Also.

  • MadBrahms

    Having loads of cash does not make you "successful". Newt has been Exhibit A on that one, and in his case, the punishment was for being a colossal dick.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Rocky and Bullwinkle, more like.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Moose & Squirrel libel!

  • Like Adrienne's need for glasses, Gingrich's need to be President turns out to be psychosomatic.

  • SorosBot

    Of course, Rocky was soundly defeated by the black incumbent champion, but Newt's not gonna get to the point of fighting him in the first place.

  • James Michael Curley

    If Newt is going to Greece by Greyhound, I'm going to Pier 92 to watch it drive off.

  • James Michael Curley

    Calista had a gig last Sunday in choir of the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. This should help Newt pay off those campaign debts.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Let me guess: Newt stole the collection plate?

    • Gunner Asch

      She thought she was going to the Basilisk Shrine where she'd be more comfortable.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Just another example of the Republican's dedication to fiscal responsibility.

  • owhatever

    The elites kicked him in the balls again and now Callista cries for America. And about the warning letter from Tiffany's.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Buh bah BAAAAAAAAH
    Bah bah BUUUUUUH
    Buh bah BAAAAAAAAH
    Bah bah BUUUUUUH

    Trying hard now
    it's so hard now
    trying hard now

    Getting broke now
    won't be long now
    getting broke now

    Gonna scam now
    flying high now
    gonna fly, fly, fly…

    Buh bah BAAAAAAAAH
    Bah bah BUUUUUUH
    Buh bah BAAAAAAAAH
    Bah bah BUUUUUUH

  • ttommyunger

    So, where do you have to go to find someone dumb enough to take a Gingrich check? Fucking Utah, naturally.

  • Greyhound tickets to Greece? Sure you don't mean Athens, Georgia? Otherwise, can't get there from here. ♫♫

  • proudgrampa

    Oh. For. Fuck's. Sake.

  • rickmaci

    Dear Mr. Gingrich.

    We regret to inform you that your account has been placed on hold due to $4.5 million of unpaid bills reported outstanding against your credit.


  • Troglodeity

    "I coulda been a CONTENDER!"

    Whoops, wrong boxing movie analogy.

  • Schmegeg

    Women kill legs, Newt. Dump the pet store broad, the Tiffany catalogue, any interns on the side. and the miscellaneous airport hotel floozies, and we can talk.

  • GOPCrusher

    A guy that bounces a 500 dollar check is just the person this country needs to reduce the deficit and bring economic sanity back to America!

  • Tundra Grifter

    Ole Newt is a lot like Rocky – too many sequels, a story no longer believable, in the public eye well past the sell-by date. Punch drunk, broke and broken down, he wanders the streets in a pathetic attempt to hang on to some shread of relevance and interest.

  • bureaucrap

    "Humanesque check-kiting shit-pie fraud"

    I don't know if some of the late, great Ken Layne has rubbed off on you, but I love it! More, more, please!!!!!

  • occams8ball

    Stallone and William S. Burroughs were in a movie? Which is it???!!!??

  • BornInATrailer

    Except Rocky is a smart person's idea of what a dumb person sounds like and Ronnie didn't leave his wife when she got cancer.

    Other than that, metaphors are solid (discipline).

  • Antispandex

    "…that making rich people pay the same tax rate as poor people is “punishing them for being successful,” because of course it is."

    Of course that causes one to infer that the present state of things punishes the poor for not being as successful as the rich. Something I am sure the newt, and his base, feel just peachy about! So, you see, it would be pointless and wrong to spread the suffering to the better people. Paris Hilton would be all depressed if she didn't get some new shoes…so she could create more jobs. See?

  • Yeah, there is just no way I am watching that.

  • GlowneyHouse

    Needs to work on the "eat lightning." Got the "crap thunder" down though.

  • DahBoner

    How high is Newt?

    Newts SO HIGH that NASA just called and told him the Jerk Store on the fucking Moon just ran out of him…

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