flotus files

Michelle Obama Appears on ‘Biggest Loser,’ Is Now a Kardashian

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That's MRS. Flotus to you...Have you seen that show on the E! television network featuring a bunch of whiny girls whose names all start with the letter “K” and their [step]father, played by a melted-down Ken doll? It is the “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” show, and somehow, it is one of the most highly rated reality television programs that exists, so let’s all poison ourselves, after we discuss FLOTUS. We live in an age of “reality” television, because reality is so horrifying these days, it tends to make for a fairly entertaining hour of television without much extra work required. Our obesity crisis is of course one element of our terrible reality, which is why there is a program on NBC called ‘The Biggest Loser,’ which is some sort of program about fat people (your FLOTUS correspondent does not watch this program, because it disgusts her). These days, where there’s a camera and fat people, there’s our First Lady Michelle Obama, making them wish they had never heard of a Double Down Sandwich. Our Michelle appeared on ‘The Biggest Loser’ last night, so it’s pretty much next stop: workouts with Bruce Jenner and hijinks about Kendall’s Super Sweet 16, etc. etc.

In last night’s episode, Michelle Obama invited everyone from ‘The Biggest Loser’ to the White House so they could get their sweat all over the place and listen to some inspiring words from our First Lady of Fitness, like “As long as you mostly eat fruits and vegetables, it’s fine to have just one little snack on the weekend.” Maybe not the most practical advice for people who have severe binge eating problems, but we will try, FLOTUS!

The point of Michelle Obama’s appearance on this show appears to be to promote her Let’s Move! initiative and in the long-term, stop people from becoming morbidly obese. But prior to the episode airing, there was speculation that Michelle Obama was really going on the teevee so she could keep up with those awful Kardashians! Let’s explore.

The first lady is not only taking part in the show but also opening up the White House as a backdrop for the show’s challenges and group workouts. Many view this foray into reality television as the perfect extension of the first lady’s Let’s Move exercise campaign.

But it’s not all positive feedback. There are those that look at it as another PR stunt to save her husband’s presidency. Others think of it as a lowbrow move for a first lady since reality TV shows are the realms of housewives craving socialite status and has-been actors searching for a second chance at the spotlight. A world populated by the likes of the Kardashians, Snooki and Andy “Mazel” Cohen. Reality TV is contrarian to the image of someone who should be aspirational and regarded on a pedestal.

What ever could our First Lady to do compensate for this misguided adventure toward the Jersey Shore?

For starters, she should give all the contestants who made it to the White House a pair of the Lanvin sneakers she’s been seen wearing. She should also go all out and up the stakes on the show. Apart from the cash prize that awaits the contestant who loses the most weight, the first lady should make the winner the face of her Let’s Move initiative thereby becoming Beyonce’s co-star in the next workout videos.

And as added motivation, she should give away one of her museum-worthy Jason Wu or Thakoon dresses should the winner be a woman. And if the winner is a man, perhaps a round of golf or game of basketball with President Obama should come with The Biggest Loser title.

Nothing like reaffirming gender stereotypes to really get the blood flowing during a workout! No matter what the critics say, we will continue to follow our FLOTUS’ journey through our television programs, until she becomes a guest on ‘Law & Order: SVU.’ A line must be drawn. [Forbes]

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About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke

Comments

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  • nounverb911

    Gingrich is still the biggest loser.

    • http://www.eloquentscience.com EloquentScience

      He needs to go on that show, though. He could lose a few pounds.

      • freakishlywrong

        Mostly from his fat head.

  • Barb

    She's on Colbert tonight. I can't wait!

    • freakishlywrong

      She is? Cool!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Yes, talking about a new initiative she has with respect to the children of military personnel.

        Not like that will stop the right from smearing her…

        • freakishlywrong

          And calling her fat. I'm lookin' at you, Flush, you fat hack.

          • iburl

            Hey! He's only fat because you Feminazis won't let him load up on fist-fulls of Prescription heroin anymore. When he was chasing the dRxagon, he was as physically fit as, let's say, David Beckham.

  • skoalrebel

    Yeah, she's a loser. [spit!] Unlike me, the Grand Wizard of Winning! [spit!] Watch and learn, Michelle, watch and learn.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      That Grand Wizard title come with a cool hood?

      • skoalrebel

        Damn straight! [spit!] And speakin' of th Kardashians, even though they're furriners, ya gotta like folks who name the kids Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney. [spit] Seems downright white of 'em.

  • edgydrifter

    If you care at all about "Lanvin," "Jason Wu," or "Thakoon," you are the biggest loser.

    • SorosBot

      I have no clue who any of those people are, and am glad for it.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I think they're all cricketers.

        • nounverb911

          Wasn't Cricket one of the Mouseketeers?

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            By Jiminy, I believe you're right!

          • George Spelvin

            Shit, you're old.

  • Beowoof

    More leftist just trying to get in the way of regular folks having a big bacon classic with a super large coke and huge fries. And then on top of it trying to give you low cost health care to ameliorate the damage you are doing with your eating. The horror.

    • Boojum

      Whatever happened to the Freedom Tray?

  • http://wonkette.com Chill-A-Sketch

    Michelle's behind is still better than Kim's.

    • SorosBot

      And it's actually real, not silicone.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Kardashian's butt is silicone?

        Unpossible! We need to test that theory.

        • SexySmurf

          I guess no one saw the episode where Kim had it x-rayed, proving her ass is real? Not me because I certainly don't watch that trash. Hey, who else here watches Downton Abby? Isn't it just so highbrow.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            I'm waiting for the porn version, Abby's Downtown

        • SorosBot

          I'm pretty sure that body has none of its original parts.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            You're a bot, so you'd know!

    • Limeylizzie

      As a person with somewhat of a prominent bottom, the best comment I have received on it was in Venice , CA as i was walking to the gym and a bunch of urban gentlemen said "Hi" to me and I said 'Hello" back to them and as I was walking away I heard one of them say , "Look at the shitter on that critter". Fucking best compliment ever!

      • Boojum

        OK. I mean, I will, if you'd like.

        LEMME SEE IT ALREADY!!!!

  • hagajim

    In a world of reality teevee….we are all the biggest losers.

    • DaRooster

      Thank God!!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Only if you actually watch that shit.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    As long as she doesn't go on that show where they eat bugs and stuff, I'm cool with this.

  • AlterNewt

    Do people watch that? No, really, do people watch that shit?

    • freakishlywrong

      Yep. And Dancing with the Stars. And Allen West in a Congressman and we have a weepy drunk as the Speaker of the House.

      • AlterNewt

        That can't be true.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        "IN a Congressman"?

        Oh, do DISH!

    • DaRooster

      Not people per se.

  • widestanceromance

    Let me say in all seriousness: FLOTUS LIBEL!

  • FakaktaSouth

    Michelle, thou art too lovely for this nonsense – I am proud of you for trying to help people, especially the ones accountable for like half of the money spent on healthcare in this fatass country. I hope she challenges Colbert to push ups too.

    • http://www.eloquentscience.com EloquentScience

      He did pretty well with the CEO of GM.

      • FakaktaSouth

        Yeah old Stephen did aight. I just wish Bob Lutz wasn't a Global Warming denier 'cause that 80 year old is FINE and in damn good shape. I got an old man jones on today for some reason.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          ^— 54 ;-)

          • FakaktaSouth

            Shoot, that ain't old! (39 for a few more months. Older I get the younger everyone is)

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Why you sweet polite l'il thang!

            I wish my body parts I felt as young as you think I am…

          • Boojum

            ^ 48. Young, in these parts. And I do mean parts, heh heh

            OK, just hit me.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            >50 Libel!!

        • ttommyunger

          I have the cure fer that, heh, heh.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "another PR stunt to save her husband’s presidency."

    Actually, I think that the Republicans are doing a fine job saving her husband's presidency, he really doesn't need any help.

  • WiscDad

    When she was doing squats with the fatties, I think I heard her fart.

    • ttommyunger

      I would pay ten dollars to listen to her pee in a tin can over the telephone….

  • vulpes82

    History's greatest monster.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Makes Bloody Queen Mary look like that Hints from Heloise woman, by comparison.

  • Steverino247

    OK. I need to come clean on this. The reason we're putting drones up over the United States is so we can send Hellfire missiles into the homes of persons detected watching reality shows, especially those involving persons whose last names start with K, stupid names that rhyme with nookie, and the use of the vagina as a clown car.

    • MissTaken

      I now fully support the drone program. Thank you!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I'd double fist you if I could.

      • Steverino247

        There's not enough lube in the world, my friend. Nor enough alcohol, come to think of it.

  • MissTaken

    Yes, showing people exercising and eating well is exactly the same as staging a fake wedding with a pro-basketball player for $20 million and then divorcing 70 days later to start dating Kanye West. Exactly the same.

    • freakishlywrong

      And they're all Republicans. You know, fambly values.

    • SorosBot

      What I want to know how people can put down Michelle for promoting healthy eating on a reality show when they championed the aborted fake presidential campaign of Donald Trump and support the professional reality famewhore Palin family.

      • Boojum

        Blah counteracts a multitude of virtues.

    • DaRooster

      Yep, you know… reality.

  • mavenmaven

    Look at the author of that blog, looks and reads like he's auditioning for Republican rent-boy-for-hire.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Will she bring basketballs with her picture on them, too?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Opens a whole new dimension to the term "Ballin'!"

      • Oblios_Cap

        All you need is to get some leverage, and it's all good.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    I am down with the Kardashians since Kourtney deep throating the zucchini showed up on my Wonkette.

  • SorosBot

    "Have you seen that show on the E! television network"

    No. Don't know what show you're referring to, but the answer is definitely no.

    • FakaktaSouth

      Hey yay this is one time I can say, me neither, I don't happen to even know what channel E is. (that in no way excuses the other horrid things I have admitted previously to watching, I understand, BUT I just wanted to get in on shitting on a tv show/channel FOR ONCE when I could.)

      • Generation[redacted]

        True story. Back in the 90s, when the Internet was hot and everybody was prefixing their company with the letter "e" or postfixing it with "-online" I was at some dot-com launch party talking to a girl who mentioned she worked at "eOnline" … I said, "Isn't that redundant?'

        Now that I know what E! Online is, I'm somewhat grateful that it didn't work out.

        • FakaktaSouth

          I love when a person is too smart to understand a pop culture derivative. That definitely worked in your favor that time.

  • proudgrampa

    I think this is the kind of thing that this proverb is intended to address:

    "Familiarity breeds contempt."

    "Biggest Losers?" Michelle, really?

  • freakishlywrong

    Has Robert Weissberg called her a schvatza yet?

  • DalePues

    Reality televisioin. Too bad all those writers went on strike!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    FReeping The Flotus?

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Am I the only one who remembers when Bruce Jenner could still be described as cute?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I remember when he could be described as "straight" if that helps.

    • anniegetyerfun

      I'll just leave this here. (Bruce Jenner impression begins around 1:10)

      • finallyhappy

        Without SNL, I would never have seen the K family or Bruce Jenner. I still do not understand why they have a TV show(the K's-not SNL). But then I don't understand why Jersey Shore is a show(and Bobby Moynihan is the only Snooki I have seen on TV). America is stupid, I guess

    • DrBobNM

      Bruce at one time was an icon (at least to some). Oh how far he has fallen.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      His taxidermist, I mean cosmetic surgeon, probably remembers.

    • ttommyunger

      Sure, if by cute you mean seriously perved.

    • elgin_pelican

      Yes, but now he's so lifelike – and actual size, too!

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    I am so sick and tired of these socialists telling me what to do all the time! All I want is to live the way I want to live, and be left alone. And to make sure that sluts don't get insurance to pay for contraceptives. And to ban abortion. And to make sure the kids will pray in the schools.

  • Callyson

    Reality TV is contrarian to the image of someone who should be aspirational and regarded on a pedestal.

    And you kids get off my lawn!

  • el_donaldo

    Just leave Kim's tits and ass the same size, Michelle, for me.

    I know, I really hate myself, but I can't help it.

    • Limeylizzie

      MrLimeylizzie had an art show a few months ago and it was all about celebrity and LA etc and he did an excellent nude of Kim running and he made me run naked around the studio so he could get the tits to move correctly in the painting! http://www.flickr.com/photos/13152388@N00/6461599

      • el_donaldo

        From the Kim-sized bottom of my heart, thank you, thank you.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    I'm just waiting until she slips up and starts sprinkling "whitey" references into her conversations with Rachel Ray.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Disgusted by fat people trying to lose weight, but not by politics, eh Blair? Interesting.

  • Nostrildamus

    I thought Rick Santorum was the biggest loser.

  • rickmaci

    Now we are all Kardashian's.

    • Limeylizzie

      Does that mean I have to try the anal?

      • rickmaci

        Donde los yikes!! TMI !!

        • Limeylizzie

          Just a reference to what made her famous, rickmaci.

          • rickmaci

            Bhahahahhahaha. The things one can learn here. I had no idea what it was that made her famous, beyond the generous obvious assets.

  • DrBobNM

    Blair Burke is a supremely entertaining writer, I never miss her contributions to Wonkette. I love her ability to point out absurdity, regardless of political affiliation. Being an old conservative white guy, does that make me weird? Don't answer that.

  • __kth__

    Right, Forbes, reality shows about people trying to improve their lives are just like that show centered around that girl who made the porno in which she gets peed on.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Wasn't the President already on DWTS with Sarah Palin? I mean, I saw a photo of it, it's got to be true.

    • finallyhappy

      maybe you saw Urkel and got confused.

      • Generation[redacted]

        Understandable. I get Sarah Palin and Urkel confused all the time.

        • SorosBot

          One was an annoying and embarrassing caricature who slowly took over a show where they were just supposed to be a supporting side character; the other was a character on Family Matters.

  • http://www.marionstein.net MarionNYNY

    FLOTUS floats so high above the rest of humanity that rather than lowering herself, her appearance raised the status of the Biggest Loser.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Is it high enough we can look up her dress?

      • Generation[redacted]

        Boioioioioioingggggg…

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Michelle Obama would do well to heed the Forbes advice of "Blue Carreon", Asia-based fashion and lifestyle Opinionator with Bruno-Mars-ish good looks. Obscure, frivolous fashion observers can doom her First-Ladyship!
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/blue-carreon

    • George Spelvin

      Blue Carrion? Seriously?

  • DahBoner

    So, the string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot"

    HAHAHAHAHAHA. What?

    Nevermind…

  • Generation[redacted]

    Not do be outdone, Ann Romney will appear on HGTV's Million Dollar Rooms and Callista Gingrich will star in an episode of Doomsday Preppers.

  • HELisforHEL

    Yes, the Obamas are Elitist snobs, wearing designer duds (I mean, what First Lady has ever done that?!) and playing golf. Unlike Mittens and RobotronBabyPop, who merely ride their Dressage and "Missouri foxtrotter" Horsies, like poor people do all the time.

  • barto

    "another PR stunt to save her husband’s presidency"

    Let's just leave that to the other team, shall we?

  • ttommyunger

    "Excuse me while I whip this thing out!" (Faps furiously)

  • Boojum

    Um…now that I think about it,,,fapfapfap,,,,