destiny

Statement: Newt Gingrich Prepares To Declare Himself President

A statement from the Newt Gingrich presidential campaign, maybe:

While Rick Santorum waited, fundamentally, much too long to exit this race for the nomination, we at the Newt Gingrich campaign would boldly like to thank him for today’s self-ouster. This beleagured nation may now proceed with the serious issues of statesmanship. Newt will move into the White House at 8 a.m. tomorrow morning.

You did not have the seriousness, or the grandiosity, or the big ideas to become President of the United States, Rick. You would have let schoolchildren go to classes instead of clean toilets all day, at your home schools. This is not serious; it is a small idea.

This is because you are not intelligent, Rick. Newt Gingrich, the rightful heir to the Julio-Claudian imperial dynasty, is intelligent by any empirical, observational, or supernatural measure. He has lectured on Histories at West Georgia College. No one else has ever done this.

So perhaps you, the ignoramus, cannot be judged — entirely — certainly some, but not entirely — for wasting the American people’s time for so many, many, fundamentally, many, months, and refusing to give way to the eventual Newt Gingrich royal coronation in Tampa, Florida. You did not have the mental ability to comprehend the massive failure that is yourself.

Enjoy the remaining years of your philistine life, Rick. It is now time for Newt, Newt Gingrich, to accept the Republican party’s presidential nomination and defeat Barack Obama 100% to 0 % in the most important election in the history of time. It is simple math. Well, perhaps not for Rick Santorum.

It is simple math.

Dismissive regards,
The Newt Gingrich Campaign for Civilization of the Galaxy

P.S. We will do anything for a hot meal.

Not that we can’t afford one ourselves.

It was their fault.

[Newt 2012]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

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  • Barb

    Just return a bunch of shit to Tiffany's and pay for your own campaign.

    • Abbystinence

      He won't be on the primary ballot in Utah. His check for the $500 filing fee bounced. http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/politics/53886982-90

      • Barb

        His reality check bounced long ago.
        Love the link!

      • McDonnellville

        That bounced check is clearly the fault of Utah's election laws, fundamentally and essentially.

      • Callyson

        Cue banker wingnuts going on about how this shows why banks should be allowed automatically to impose overdraft protection (with a hefty fee for them, of course) in 3…2…1…

      • Native_of_SL_UT

        I've waited a long time to finally hear some good news come from the my Utah GOP.

      • PuckStopsHere

        Ladies and Gentlemen, the next President of the United States…
        Actually, this is exactly the GOP way to balance the budget. Just don't pay the bills.

        • Swampgas_Man

          I thought the GOP way was to stick 'em to our grandchildrens?

      • Steverino247

        Utah is "winner take all" and Romney's obviously going to take it. There's a reason Utah stayed with that plan and we all know the reason why now.

      • Radio福井県

        Golly, Holightly.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          I see what you did there (sort of).

      • NellCote71

        You would think he would do well in Utah, what with all of his sister wives. Seriallsly or not.

    • Callyson

      Callista is not about to release her grip on those family jewels.

    • PhilippePetain

      This is simply not the way things are done in the Republican Party.

    • OneDollarJuana

      That's a losing deal because of the 20% restocking fee.

    • NYNYNYjr

      -I need to return all this jewellry and diamond encrusted spoons and crap. Here's the receipts, I'll take the $6 million in cash.
      -You bought this on credit. And you've been avoiding our phone calls for 6 months.
      -Can I have the credit in cash?

  • nounverb911

    Three man race, Newt takes up two spaces.

    • snackypants

      And two hotel bathrooms, also.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Here my .02, Newt. Go call someone who gives a shit about you, and wait patiently while they tell you to go fuck yourself.

  • Barb

    His $2.50 a gallon of gas promise is not working out for him. It shows just what an asshole he is if people are willing to pay more for gas rather than to vote for him.

    Bah ha ha!
    In a strange twist of weirdness…..
    Zimmerman's lawyers quit, they can't find him and Zimmerman has been in contact with Sean Hannity.

  • SorosBot

    Oh yes Newt, with all those two states you've won so far the momentum is all yours.

  • Callyson

    I read the first hashtag as #twat. Seems fitting.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chill-A-Sketch

    It's a 2 person race: Newt vs Newt's Ego. The first one to get cancer loses.

    • nounverb911

      Callista?

      • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

        Alert Susan G. Komen!

    • Callyson

      My rent money is on the ego. It's much larger than Newt.

      • Swampgas_Man

        They're both bloated.

      • Biff

        Though both appear to be malignant.

  • Nostrildamus

    It's a 2 man race. Newt has 2 toilets. Coincidence??!!!??

    • nounverb911

      But does he have a car elevator?

  • Callyson

    Gingrich's website is slow to load. Also fitting.

    • Ducksworthy

      Too be fair, Newt is a Wide Load.

  • Callyson

    Also, OT alert:

    Two attorneys for George Zimmerman announced in a press conference this afternoon that they will no longer be representing him. They claim that Zimmerman repeatedly rebuffed their legal advice, and that they have now lost contact with their client.
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/10/trayvon-

    • Barb

      Gosh, that would make all the idiots who chipped in for his legal defense bigger idiots! I wonder if he's purchased that plane ticket to Peru yet?

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Hey, Rick Santorum is a lawyer and he's looking for work. Does the Florida bar have reciprocity with Pennsylvania?

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    Rick dropped out because he knew to continue would just lead to more embarrassment. Fortunately, Newt is immune to that kind of shit.

    • Swampgas_Man

      I think Newt is in it just to kamikaze Mitt. He'll do ANYTHING, short of selling those whore diamonds, to get the Mitt.

      • Native_of_SL_UT

        He just wants to be second in the race.
        The GOP are so nice that they always let the first loser in the previous election be the next candidate.

  • PuckStopsHere

    If all of his twitter followers each donate a buck, he'll have, like, 30 dollars!

    • Biff

      Literally, tens of dollars!

  • Troglodeity

    Newt's right, it's a 2 person race: Romney v. Obama.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Simply grotesque.

  • Steverino247

    It will be interesting to see where the "GOD NOT ROMNEY!!!" votes go for the rest of the cycle. Santorum could have won more states, but that turd Newt Gingrich took just enough votes away to keep him out.Since Newt's gambling backer hated Santorum, I guess he's a happy guy today. However, if Paul starts getting high enough vote totals to start getting delegates, the GOP will be very sorry to see Santorum leave. Santorum was an embarassment to them, but Paul means to infect them with utopian Libertarian bullshit.

    • iburl

      I'd personally, fundamentally, prefer utopian Libertarian bullshit to the standard Dystopian Plutocratic/Theocratic/Fascistic bullshit.

      • Data Exactly

        You don't know what true fear is until Ron Paul unleashes the megalithic Invisible Hand on the country.

        • Wile E. Quixote

          Show us on the doll where the Invisible Hand touched you.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Newt has been saying it is a two person race since December. It just took everyone else (but Ron Paul), to drop out to prove him right.

  • Come here a minute

    Newt's campaign has been suspended ever since South Carolina.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know who else was in a two person race?

    • PuckStopsHere

      Ruffian? (No wait, horses are not people, my friends.)

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Trust me, if they were to give to Mitt's superpac, they would be. They would be.

    • Radio福井県

      Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde?

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      The Bobbsey Twins?

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Warren Buffet and his secretary?

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      No, but I know a candidate who's a two race person.

    • mavenmaven

      The tortoise and the hare. Other than the looks of the two candidates, however, that fable has no relationship to the current candidates as neither will win the race.

    • C_R_Eature

      Chang and Eng?

    • Angry_Marmot
      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        Late thumbs-up from a Frank Gorshin fan~

    • bagofmice

      Ignignokt and Err
      ?

  • Redhead

    Oh Newt. Don't worry, we'll still make you mayor of the moon. (Gladly. Today.)

    • emmelemm

      To the moon, Alice!

  • McDonnellville

    "It is now a 2 person race."
    No, it's a 1 robot, 1 blob race.

  • Ducksworthy

    Hoot Hoot Hoot for President Gnut! President of the Moon (dark side only)

  • orygoon

    It IS a two-person race, but not for the GOP nomination, and being half-right is probably setting a Newt record.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    For a minute there, I read the end of that tweet as "#toot #withNewt." Uh, no thanks.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Newt bounced a check in Reno, just to watch it die.
    ~

    • Negropolis

      WIN

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Comments like this are what keep me coming back to Wonkette.

  • Radio福井県

    Now he's really the smartest guy in the clown car.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    If Callista had a two-digit IQ she would be packing her jewelry into a suitcase and taking the next flight to Grand Cayman.

  • V572 Fehrnstrom

    The contest for the Nobel Prize for Literature is now a two-person race between me (for comments on the political blog "Wonkette") and Julian Barnes, for Flaubert's Parrot. We're in it to win it!

  • FakaktaSouth

    I hope that check bounces over and over again and the fees obliterate his credit and he has to go to the bank and make a video of himself trying to close the account and then the bank cops come in and beat the shit out of him. Like a real American.

  • JackObin

    If you include his excess tonnage, it is a three-person race. He clearly couldn't pass a military physical examination, which is appropriate as a world-class draft-dodger.

  • MissTaken

    Newt is very smart. He knows Presidential races aren't won with convention delegates and being on ballots in Utah. No, Presidential races are won with Twitter. He is smart.

    • McDonnellville

      A visionary ahead of his time.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Deportably_Jose

      His path through to the presidency leads through the all-important Twitter Primary, which is decided by the candidate with the most fictional twitter followers.

      Me? I'm voting for @gingrichideas (no relation).

    • emmelemm

      S-M-R-T.

  • Guppy

    the rightful heir to the Julio-Claudian imperial dynasty

    That goes a long way towards explaining the Bacchanalia…

  • iburl

    The choice is a simple one:

    $1 a gallon gas and the USA conquers the moon.
    OR
    $14 dollar a gallon gas and Iran conquers the moon.

    It's as easy a choice as divorcing a sick wife for a younger, hotter, healthier one.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Wait — didn't Newt suspend his campaign before Santorum did? Great — so the two rivals for the title of legitimate conservative are playing elementary school gotcha games with each other — as though that should be any surprise to me.

    Well maybe the first one with the balls to stick his tongue to the lamppost when it's below freezing should get the nomination then.

    • http://wonkette.com Jim Newell

      No, he just said he was "downsizing" his staff and campaign schedule, because… he has obviously won the nomination and can relax now, or something.

  • rickmaci

    WWTeatardsF Debate Time. One stage, two candidates, mano-a-mano (la main pour la main because Romoney won't understand spanglish), two men go on to the stage, only one comes off. Are you ready to RUMBLE?????

  • anniegetyerfun

    Um, this was MEANT TO BE SATIRE.

    • Naked_Bunny

      Curse Poe and his Law.

  • BarackMyWorld
  • Naked_Bunny

    Newt will move into the White House at 8 a.m. tomorrow morning.

    I'd love to watch this happen.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      An enormous Tiffanys truck pulls up on the south lawn…

  • greenide1

    Callista's planning the coronation with matching his-and-hers tiaras from Tiffany.

  • chascates

    Gold/Fetus/Pot candidate begs to differ (via CNN):
    "Congratulations to Senator Santorum on running such a spirited campaign. Dr. Paul is now the last – and real – conservative alternative to Mitt Romney," Jesse Benton, Paul's campaign chairman, said in a statement.

  • plinthic

    Or, as the Black Knight said, "All right, then; let's call it a draw."

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    "Donate now"…
    OMg, does he has a cousin in Nigeria?
    Newt, show me your birth certificate, please.

  • An_Outhouse

    Poor Newton. The last contest he lost was a baking competition when he was beat by an oatmeal cookie.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    I, for one, welcome our new dumber than a bag of hammers overlord.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    "last conservative standing…"
    Newt: "I don't quit so I don't have to spend more time with Callista".

  • Wile E. Quixote

    I hear that Glen Beck has an shiny new Oval Office that Newt can borrow.

  • Antispandex

    " Statement: Newt Gingrich Prepares To Declare Himself President. "

    Has Dr. Congressman, Field Marshal, General, President for Life, Ron Paul heard about this?

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    TWO MAN RACE???? REMEMBER DR. CONGRESSMAN RON PAUL????

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Oh, ooowwwww!

  • Dashboard Buddha

    My center is giving way, my right is in retreat; situation excellent. I shall attack.

    • SheriffJoeBiden

      Newt has three settings: Attack, Bluster, and Ew. What makes him a "successful" politician is he can run them all at the same time.

  • OneYieldRegular

    He's referring to Mitt Romney and Barack Obama, of course. And in patented True Conservative spirit, still trolling for money to help pay off his campaign debts.

  • C_R_Eature

    Uh yeah, Newt? Maybe you should stay with Yo Mama.

    You're really kind of stupid and ugly too.

  • Negropolis

    Ron Paul libel!

    You don't know what I would give to see Ron Paul rise as an actual challenger to Romney.

    BTW, if Newt's planning to move into the White House, tomorrow, boy is he going to be surprised to find the nice black couple living there at the moment.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "Oh, look, honey! The help is already here!"

      Hispanic guy I work with here in San Antonio related to me the story of when he and his (Hispanic also) wife were getting ready to move into their new house out in high-falutin'-ville ("You know you've arrived when you've got a circular drive," I always tell him). They were dressed up in their grungies, cleaning paint spatters off the windows and floors and doing all the little make-ready jobs prior to moving in. Some white real estate lady shows up with a couple to show the house (apparently she missed the "Sold" sign out front) and when she saw Bob and Dora cleaning the house, she told them in piss-poor gringo Spanish to just go right ahead cleaning and not to mind her and her clients. Bob just nodded and smiled and said "Si, Senora." It's a funny story that he tells a lot better than I do. Sorry.

      • Negropolis

        Nice! Except that I would have followed that up with impeccable English. lol

  • Negropolis

    That's right, Newton. Stand your ground! Retweet and reload!

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    How many books does Callizard have to sell? Keep fucking that elephant..

  • http://strangestoriesaboutsadpeople.blogspot.com/ Thedongsofwar

    Get a job!

  • ElPinche

    Calista won't let him quit.
    "If you want some of this augmented pussy, you're in it to win it."

  • ttommyunger

    Oh, and BTW, please make the check payable to Calista, for America. Bankruptcy rules and such, ya know.