Statement: Newt Gingrich Prepares To Declare Himself President

A statement from the Newt Gingrich presidential campaign, maybe:

While Rick Santorum waited, fundamentally, much too long to exit this race for the nomination, we at the Newt Gingrich campaign would boldly like to thank him for today’s self-ouster. This beleagured nation may now proceed with the serious issues of statesmanship. Newt will move into the White House at 8 a.m. tomorrow morning.

You did not have the seriousness, or the grandiosity, or the big ideas to become President of the United States, Rick. You would have let schoolchildren go to classes instead of clean toilets all day, at your home schools. This is not serious; it is a small idea.

This is because you are not intelligent, Rick. Newt Gingrich, the rightful heir to the Julio-Claudian imperial dynasty, is intelligent by any empirical, observational, or supernatural measure. He has lectured on Histories at West Georgia College. No one else has ever done this.

So perhaps you, the ignoramus, cannot be judged — entirely — certainly some, but not entirely — for wasting the American people’s time for so many, many, fundamentally, many, months, and refusing to give way to the eventual Newt Gingrich royal coronation in Tampa, Florida. You did not have the mental ability to comprehend the massive failure that is yourself.

Enjoy the remaining years of your philistine life, Rick. It is now time for Newt, Newt Gingrich, to accept the Republican party’s presidential nomination and defeat Barack Obama 100% to 0 % in the most important election in the history of time. It is simple math. Well, perhaps not for Rick Santorum.

It is simple math.

Dismissive regards,
The Newt Gingrich Campaign for Civilization of the Galaxy

P.S. We will do anything for a hot meal.

Not that we can’t afford one ourselves.

It was their fault.

[Newt 2012]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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      1. McDonnellville

        That bounced check is clearly the fault of Utah's election laws, fundamentally and essentially.

      2. Callyson

        Cue banker wingnuts going on about how this shows why banks should be allowed automatically to impose overdraft protection (with a hefty fee for them, of course) in 3…2…1…

      3. PuckStopsHere

        Ladies and Gentlemen, the next President of the United States…
        Actually, this is exactly the GOP way to balance the budget. Just don't pay the bills.

      4. Steverino247

        Utah is "winner take all" and Romney's obviously going to take it. There's a reason Utah stayed with that plan and we all know the reason why now.

      5. NellCote71

        You would think he would do well in Utah, what with all of his sister wives. Seriallsly or not.

    1. NYNYNYjr

      -I need to return all this jewellry and diamond encrusted spoons and crap. Here's the receipts, I'll take the $6 million in cash.
      -You bought this on credit. And you've been avoiding our phone calls for 6 months.
      -Can I have the credit in cash?

  1. elviouslyqueer

    Here my .02, Newt. Go call someone who gives a shit about you, and wait patiently while they tell you to go fuck yourself.

  2. Barb

    His $2.50 a gallon of gas promise is not working out for him. It shows just what an asshole he is if people are willing to pay more for gas rather than to vote for him.

    Bah ha ha!
    In a strange twist of weirdness…..
    Zimmerman's lawyers quit, they can't find him and Zimmerman has been in contact with Sean Hannity.

    1. Barb

      Gosh, that would make all the idiots who chipped in for his legal defense bigger idiots! I wonder if he's purchased that plane ticket to Peru yet?

  3. Native_of_SL_UT

    Rick dropped out because he knew to continue would just lead to more embarrassment. Fortunately, Newt is immune to that kind of shit.

    1. Swampgas_Man

      I think Newt is in it just to kamikaze Mitt. He'll do ANYTHING, short of selling those whore diamonds, to get the Mitt.

      1. Native_of_SL_UT

        He just wants to be second in the race.
        The GOP are so nice that they always let the first loser in the previous election be the next candidate.

  4. Steverino247

    It will be interesting to see where the "GOD NOT ROMNEY!!!" votes go for the rest of the cycle. Santorum could have won more states, but that turd Newt Gingrich took just enough votes away to keep him out.Since Newt's gambling backer hated Santorum, I guess he's a happy guy today. However, if Paul starts getting high enough vote totals to start getting delegates, the GOP will be very sorry to see Santorum leave. Santorum was an embarassment to them, but Paul means to infect them with utopian Libertarian bullshit.

    1. iburl

      I'd personally, fundamentally, prefer utopian Libertarian bullshit to the standard Dystopian Plutocratic/Theocratic/Fascistic bullshit.

      1. Data Exactly

        You don't know what true fear is until Ron Paul unleashes the megalithic Invisible Hand on the country.

  5. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Newt has been saying it is a two person race since December. It just took everyone else (but Ron Paul), to drop out to prove him right.

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Trust me, if they were to give to Mitt's superpac, they would be. They would be.

    1. mavenmaven

      The tortoise and the hare. Other than the looks of the two candidates, however, that fable has no relationship to the current candidates as neither will win the race.

  6. orygoon

    It IS a two-person race, but not for the GOP nomination, and being half-right is probably setting a Newt record.

  7. V572 Fehrnstrom

    The contest for the Nobel Prize for Literature is now a two-person race between me (for comments on the political blog "Wonkette") and Julian Barnes, for Flaubert's Parrot. We're in it to win it!

  8. FakaktaSouth

    I hope that check bounces over and over again and the fees obliterate his credit and he has to go to the bank and make a video of himself trying to close the account and then the bank cops come in and beat the shit out of him. Like a real American.

  9. JackObin

    If you include his excess tonnage, it is a three-person race. He clearly couldn't pass a military physical examination, which is appropriate as a world-class draft-dodger.

  10. MissTaken

    Newt is very smart. He knows Presidential races aren't won with convention delegates and being on ballots in Utah. No, Presidential races are won with Twitter. He is smart.

  11. Guppy

    the rightful heir to the Julio-Claudian imperial dynasty

    That goes a long way towards explaining the Bacchanalia…

  12. iburl

    The choice is a simple one:

    $1 a gallon gas and the USA conquers the moon.
    $14 dollar a gallon gas and Iran conquers the moon.

    It's as easy a choice as divorcing a sick wife for a younger, hotter, healthier one.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    Wait — didn't Newt suspend his campaign before Santorum did? Great — so the two rivals for the title of legitimate conservative are playing elementary school gotcha games with each other — as though that should be any surprise to me.

    Well maybe the first one with the balls to stick his tongue to the lamppost when it's below freezing should get the nomination then.

    1. Jim Newell

      No, he just said he was "downsizing" his staff and campaign schedule, because… he has obviously won the nomination and can relax now, or something.

  14. rickmaci

    WWTeatardsF Debate Time. One stage, two candidates, mano-a-mano (la main pour la main because Romoney won't understand spanglish), two men go on to the stage, only one comes off. Are you ready to RUMBLE?????

  15. Naked_Bunny

    Newt will move into the White House at 8 a.m. tomorrow morning.

    I'd love to watch this happen.

  16. chascates

    Gold/Fetus/Pot candidate begs to differ (via CNN):
    "Congratulations to Senator Santorum on running such a spirited campaign. Dr. Paul is now the last – and real – conservative alternative to Mitt Romney," Jesse Benton, Paul's campaign chairman, said in a statement.


    "Donate now"…
    OMg, does he has a cousin in Nigeria?
    Newt, show me your birth certificate, please.

  18. An_Outhouse

    Poor Newton. The last contest he lost was a baking competition when he was beat by an oatmeal cookie.


    "last conservative standing…"
    Newt: "I don't quit so I don't have to spend more time with Callista".

  20. Antispandex

    " Statement: Newt Gingrich Prepares To Declare Himself President. "

    Has Dr. Congressman, Field Marshal, General, President for Life, Ron Paul heard about this?

  21. Dashboard Buddha

    My center is giving way, my right is in retreat; situation excellent. I shall attack.

    1. SheriffJoeBiden

      Newt has three settings: Attack, Bluster, and Ew. What makes him a "successful" politician is he can run them all at the same time.

  22. OneYieldRegular

    He's referring to Mitt Romney and Barack Obama, of course. And in patented True Conservative spirit, still trolling for money to help pay off his campaign debts.

  23. Negropolis

    Ron Paul libel!

    You don't know what I would give to see Ron Paul rise as an actual challenger to Romney.

    BTW, if Newt's planning to move into the White House, tomorrow, boy is he going to be surprised to find the nice black couple living there at the moment.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      "Oh, look, honey! The help is already here!"

      Hispanic guy I work with here in San Antonio related to me the story of when he and his (Hispanic also) wife were getting ready to move into their new house out in high-falutin'-ville ("You know you've arrived when you've got a circular drive," I always tell him). They were dressed up in their grungies, cleaning paint spatters off the windows and floors and doing all the little make-ready jobs prior to moving in. Some white real estate lady shows up with a couple to show the house (apparently she missed the "Sold" sign out front) and when she saw Bob and Dora cleaning the house, she told them in piss-poor gringo Spanish to just go right ahead cleaning and not to mind her and her clients. Bob just nodded and smiled and said "Si, Senora." It's a funny story that he tells a lot better than I do. Sorry.

  24. ElPinche

    Calista won't let him quit.
    "If you want some of this augmented pussy, you're in it to win it."

  25. ttommyunger

    Oh, and BTW, please make the check payable to Calista, for America. Bankruptcy rules and such, ya know.

Comments are closed.