DESTINY  5:49 pm April 10, 2012

Statement: Newt Gingrich Prepares To Declare Himself President

by Jim Newell

A statement from the Newt Gingrich presidential campaign, maybe:

While Rick Santorum waited, fundamentally, much too long to exit this race for the nomination, we at the Newt Gingrich campaign would boldly like to thank him for today’s self-ouster. This beleagured nation may now proceed with the serious issues of statesmanship. Newt will move into the White House at 8 a.m. tomorrow morning.

You did not have the seriousness, or the grandiosity, or the big ideas to become President of the United States, Rick. You would have let schoolchildren go to classes instead of clean toilets all day, at your home schools. This is not serious; it is a small idea.

This is because you are not intelligent, Rick. Newt Gingrich, the rightful heir to the Julio-Claudian imperial dynasty, is intelligent by any empirical, observational, or supernatural measure. He has lectured on Histories at West Georgia College. No one else has ever done this.

So perhaps you, the ignoramus, cannot be judged — entirely — certainly some, but not entirely — for wasting the American people’s time for so many, many, fundamentally, many, months, and refusing to give way to the eventual Newt Gingrich royal coronation in Tampa, Florida. You did not have the mental ability to comprehend the massive failure that is yourself.

Enjoy the remaining years of your philistine life, Rick. It is now time for Newt, Newt Gingrich, to accept the Republican party’s presidential nomination and defeat Barack Obama 100% to 0 % in the most important election in the history of time. It is simple math. Well, perhaps not for Rick Santorum.

It is simple math.

Dismissive regards,
The Newt Gingrich Campaign for Civilization of the Galaxy

P.S. We will do anything for a hot meal.

Not that we can’t afford one ourselves.

It was their fault.

[Newt 2012]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 111 comments }

Barb April 10, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Just return a bunch of shit to Tiffany's and pay for your own campaign.

Abbystinence April 10, 2012 at 5:55 pm

He won't be on the primary ballot in Utah. His check for the $500 filing fee bounced. http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/politics/53886982-90

Barb April 10, 2012 at 5:56 pm

His reality check bounced long ago.
Love the link!

McDonnellville April 10, 2012 at 5:59 pm

That bounced check is clearly the fault of Utah's election laws, fundamentally and essentially.

Callyson April 10, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Cue banker wingnuts going on about how this shows why banks should be allowed automatically to impose overdraft protection (with a hefty fee for them, of course) in 3…2…1…

Native_of_SL_UT April 10, 2012 at 6:01 pm

I've waited a long time to finally hear some good news come from the my Utah GOP.

PuckStopsHere April 10, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Ladies and Gentlemen, the next President of the United States…
Actually, this is exactly the GOP way to balance the budget. Just don't pay the bills.

Swampgas_Man April 10, 2012 at 6:16 pm

I thought the GOP way was to stick 'em to our grandchildrens?

Steverino247 April 10, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Utah is "winner take all" and Romney's obviously going to take it. There's a reason Utah stayed with that plan and we all know the reason why now.

Radio福井県 April 10, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Golly, Holightly.

starfanglednut April 10, 2012 at 8:01 pm

I see what you did there (sort of).

NellCote71 April 10, 2012 at 9:52 pm

You would think he would do well in Utah, what with all of his sister wives. Seriallsly or not.

Callyson April 10, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Callista is not about to release her grip on those family jewels.

PhilippePetain April 10, 2012 at 8:03 pm

This is simply not the way things are done in the Republican Party.

OneDollarJuana April 10, 2012 at 8:31 pm

That's a losing deal because of the 20% restocking fee.

NYNYNYjr April 11, 2012 at 12:25 am

-I need to return all this jewellry and diamond encrusted spoons and crap. Here's the receipts, I'll take the $6 million in cash.
-You bought this on credit. And you've been avoiding our phone calls for 6 months.
-Can I have the credit in cash?

nounverb911 April 10, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Three man race, Newt takes up two spaces.

snackypants April 11, 2012 at 1:12 am

And two hotel bathrooms, also.

elviouslyqueer April 10, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Here my .02, Newt. Go call someone who gives a shit about you, and wait patiently while they tell you to go fuck yourself.

Barb April 10, 2012 at 5:55 pm

His $2.50 a gallon of gas promise is not working out for him. It shows just what an asshole he is if people are willing to pay more for gas rather than to vote for him.

Bah ha ha!
In a strange twist of weirdness…..
Zimmerman's lawyers quit, they can't find him and Zimmerman has been in contact with Sean Hannity.

SorosBot April 10, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Oh yes Newt, with all those two states you've won so far the momentum is all yours.

Callyson April 10, 2012 at 5:55 pm

I read the first hashtag as #twat. Seems fitting.

Chill-A-Sketch April 10, 2012 at 5:55 pm

It's a 2 person race: Newt vs Newt's Ego. The first one to get cancer loses.

nounverb911 April 10, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Callista?

Sharkey April 10, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Alert Susan G. Komen!

Callyson April 10, 2012 at 6:02 pm

My rent money is on the ego. It's much larger than Newt.

Swampgas_Man April 10, 2012 at 6:17 pm

They're both bloated.

Biff April 10, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Though both appear to be malignant.

Nostrildamus April 10, 2012 at 5:56 pm

It's a 2 man race. Newt has 2 toilets. Coincidence??!!!??

nounverb911 April 10, 2012 at 6:01 pm

But does he have a car elevator?

Callyson April 10, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Gingrich's website is slow to load. Also fitting.

Ducksworthy April 10, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Too be fair, Newt is a Wide Load.

Callyson April 10, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Also, OT alert:

Two attorneys for George Zimmerman announced in a press conference this afternoon that they will no longer be representing him. They claim that Zimmerman repeatedly rebuffed their legal advice, and that they have now lost contact with their client.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/10/trayvon-

Barb April 10, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Gosh, that would make all the idiots who chipped in for his legal defense bigger idiots! I wonder if he's purchased that plane ticket to Peru yet?

Wile E. Quixote April 10, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Hey, Rick Santorum is a lawyer and he's looking for work. Does the Florida bar have reciprocity with Pennsylvania?

Native_of_SL_UT April 10, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Rick dropped out because he knew to continue would just lead to more embarrassment. Fortunately, Newt is immune to that kind of shit.

Swampgas_Man April 10, 2012 at 6:19 pm

I think Newt is in it just to kamikaze Mitt. He'll do ANYTHING, short of selling those whore diamonds, to get the Mitt.

Native_of_SL_UT April 10, 2012 at 6:24 pm

He just wants to be second in the race.
The GOP are so nice that they always let the first loser in the previous election be the next candidate.

PuckStopsHere April 10, 2012 at 5:59 pm

If all of his twitter followers each donate a buck, he'll have, like, 30 dollars!

Biff April 10, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Literally, tens of dollars!

Troglodeity April 10, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Newt's right, it's a 2 person race: Romney v. Obama.

Fare la Volpe April 10, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Simply grotesque.

Steverino247 April 10, 2012 at 6:05 pm

It will be interesting to see where the "GOD NOT ROMNEY!!!" votes go for the rest of the cycle. Santorum could have won more states, but that turd Newt Gingrich took just enough votes away to keep him out.Since Newt's gambling backer hated Santorum, I guess he's a happy guy today. However, if Paul starts getting high enough vote totals to start getting delegates, the GOP will be very sorry to see Santorum leave. Santorum was an embarassment to them, but Paul means to infect them with utopian Libertarian bullshit.

iburl April 10, 2012 at 6:10 pm

I'd personally, fundamentally, prefer utopian Libertarian bullshit to the standard Dystopian Plutocratic/Theocratic/Fascistic bullshit.

Data Exactly April 10, 2012 at 6:22 pm

You don't know what true fear is until Ron Paul unleashes the megalithic Invisible Hand on the country.

Wile E. Quixote April 10, 2012 at 8:34 pm

Show us on the doll where the Invisible Hand touched you.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 10, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Newt has been saying it is a two person race since December. It just took everyone else (but Ron Paul), to drop out to prove him right.

Come here a minute April 10, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Newt's campaign has been suspended ever since South Carolina.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 10, 2012 at 6:14 pm

You know who else was in a two person race?

PuckStopsHere April 10, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Ruffian? (No wait, horses are not people, my friends.)

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 10, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Trust me, if they were to give to Mitt's superpac, they would be. They would be.

Radio福井県 April 10, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde?

donner_froh April 10, 2012 at 6:28 pm

The Bobbsey Twins?

Mumbletypeg April 10, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Warren Buffet and his secretary?

deanbooth April 10, 2012 at 6:42 pm

No, but I know a candidate who's a two race person.

mavenmaven April 10, 2012 at 8:22 pm

The tortoise and the hare. Other than the looks of the two candidates, however, that fable has no relationship to the current candidates as neither will win the race.

C_R_Eature April 10, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Chang and Eng?

Angry_Marmot April 10, 2012 at 10:36 pm
Mumbletypeg April 11, 2012 at 10:24 am

Late thumbs-up from a Frank Gorshin fan~

bagofmice April 11, 2012 at 10:40 am

Ignignokt and Err
?

Redhead April 10, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Oh Newt. Don't worry, we'll still make you mayor of the moon. (Gladly. Today.)

emmelemm April 10, 2012 at 6:19 pm

To the moon, Alice!

McDonnellville April 10, 2012 at 6:17 pm

"It is now a 2 person race."
No, it's a 1 robot, 1 blob race.

Ducksworthy April 10, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Hoot Hoot Hoot for President Gnut! President of the Moon (dark side only)

orygoon April 10, 2012 at 6:18 pm

It IS a two-person race, but not for the GOP nomination, and being half-right is probably setting a Newt record.

Jukesgrrl April 10, 2012 at 6:20 pm

For a minute there, I read the end of that tweet as "#toot #withNewt." Uh, no thanks.

ifthethunderdontgetya April 10, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Newt bounced a check in Reno, just to watch it die.
~

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 11:33 pm

WIN

BaldarTFlagass April 11, 2012 at 8:29 am

Comments like this are what keep me coming back to Wonkette.

Radio福井県 April 10, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Now he's really the smartest guy in the clown car.

Jukesgrrl April 10, 2012 at 6:25 pm

If Callista had a two-digit IQ she would be packing her jewelry into a suitcase and taking the next flight to Grand Cayman.

V572 Fehrnstrom April 10, 2012 at 6:25 pm

The contest for the Nobel Prize for Literature is now a two-person race between me (for comments on the political blog "Wonkette") and Julian Barnes, for Flaubert's Parrot. We're in it to win it!

FakaktaSouth April 10, 2012 at 6:26 pm

I hope that check bounces over and over again and the fees obliterate his credit and he has to go to the bank and make a video of himself trying to close the account and then the bank cops come in and beat the shit out of him. Like a real American.

JackObin April 10, 2012 at 6:30 pm

If you include his excess tonnage, it is a three-person race. He clearly couldn't pass a military physical examination, which is appropriate as a world-class draft-dodger.

MissTaken April 10, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Newt is very smart. He knows Presidential races aren't won with convention delegates and being on ballots in Utah. No, Presidential races are won with Twitter. He is smart.

McDonnellville April 10, 2012 at 6:48 pm

A visionary ahead of his time.

Deportably_Jose April 10, 2012 at 6:58 pm

His path through to the presidency leads through the all-important Twitter Primary, which is decided by the candidate with the most fictional twitter followers.

Me? I'm voting for @gingrichideas (no relation).

emmelemm April 10, 2012 at 7:36 pm

S-M-R-T.

Guppy April 10, 2012 at 6:34 pm

the rightful heir to the Julio-Claudian imperial dynasty

That goes a long way towards explaining the Bacchanalia…

iburl April 10, 2012 at 6:37 pm

The choice is a simple one:

$1 a gallon gas and the USA conquers the moon.
OR
$14 dollar a gallon gas and Iran conquers the moon.

It's as easy a choice as divorcing a sick wife for a younger, hotter, healthier one.

SayItWithWookies April 10, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Wait — didn't Newt suspend his campaign before Santorum did? Great — so the two rivals for the title of legitimate conservative are playing elementary school gotcha games with each other — as though that should be any surprise to me.

Well maybe the first one with the balls to stick his tongue to the lamppost when it's below freezing should get the nomination then.

Jim Newell April 10, 2012 at 7:15 pm

No, he just said he was "downsizing" his staff and campaign schedule, because… he has obviously won the nomination and can relax now, or something.

rickmaci April 10, 2012 at 6:54 pm

WWTeatardsF Debate Time. One stage, two candidates, mano-a-mano (la main pour la main because Romoney won't understand spanglish), two men go on to the stage, only one comes off. Are you ready to RUMBLE?????

anniegetyerfun April 10, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Um, this was MEANT TO BE SATIRE.

Naked_Bunny April 10, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Curse Poe and his Law.

BarackMyWorld April 10, 2012 at 7:24 pm
Naked_Bunny April 10, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Newt will move into the White House at 8 a.m. tomorrow morning.

I'd love to watch this happen.

starfanglednut April 10, 2012 at 8:10 pm

An enormous Tiffanys truck pulls up on the south lawn…

greenide1 April 10, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Callista's planning the coronation with matching his-and-hers tiaras from Tiffany.

chascates April 10, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Gold/Fetus/Pot candidate begs to differ (via CNN):
"Congratulations to Senator Santorum on running such a spirited campaign. Dr. Paul is now the last – and real – conservative alternative to Mitt Romney," Jesse Benton, Paul's campaign chairman, said in a statement.

plinthic April 10, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Or, as the Black Knight said, "All right, then; let's call it a draw."

BTWBFDIMHO April 10, 2012 at 8:10 pm

"Donate now"…
OMg, does he has a cousin in Nigeria?
Newt, show me your birth certificate, please.

An_Outhouse April 10, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Poor Newton. The last contest he lost was a baking competition when he was beat by an oatmeal cookie.

HobbesEvilTwin April 10, 2012 at 8:13 pm

I, for one, welcome our new dumber than a bag of hammers overlord.

BTWBFDIMHO April 10, 2012 at 8:14 pm

"last conservative standing…"
Newt: "I don't quit so I don't have to spend more time with Callista".

Wile E. Quixote April 10, 2012 at 8:30 pm

I hear that Glen Beck has an shiny new Oval Office that Newt can borrow.

Antispandex April 10, 2012 at 8:35 pm

" Statement: Newt Gingrich Prepares To Declare Himself President. "

Has Dr. Congressman, Field Marshal, General, President for Life, Ron Paul heard about this?

johnnyzhivago April 10, 2012 at 8:55 pm

TWO MAN RACE???? REMEMBER DR. CONGRESSMAN RON PAUL????

Sharkey April 10, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Oh, ooowwwww!

Dashboard Buddha April 10, 2012 at 9:42 pm

My center is giving way, my right is in retreat; situation excellent. I shall attack.

SheriffJoeBiden April 11, 2012 at 1:14 am

Newt has three settings: Attack, Bluster, and Ew. What makes him a "successful" politician is he can run them all at the same time.

OneYieldRegular April 10, 2012 at 10:11 pm

He's referring to Mitt Romney and Barack Obama, of course. And in patented True Conservative spirit, still trolling for money to help pay off his campaign debts.

C_R_Eature April 10, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Uh yeah, Newt? Maybe you should stay with Yo Mama.

You're really kind of stupid and ugly too.

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Ron Paul libel!

You don't know what I would give to see Ron Paul rise as an actual challenger to Romney.

BTW, if Newt's planning to move into the White House, tomorrow, boy is he going to be surprised to find the nice black couple living there at the moment.

BaldarTFlagass April 11, 2012 at 8:40 am

"Oh, look, honey! The help is already here!"

Hispanic guy I work with here in San Antonio related to me the story of when he and his (Hispanic also) wife were getting ready to move into their new house out in high-falutin'-ville ("You know you've arrived when you've got a circular drive," I always tell him). They were dressed up in their grungies, cleaning paint spatters off the windows and floors and doing all the little make-ready jobs prior to moving in. Some white real estate lady shows up with a couple to show the house (apparently she missed the "Sold" sign out front) and when she saw Bob and Dora cleaning the house, she told them in piss-poor gringo Spanish to just go right ahead cleaning and not to mind her and her clients. Bob just nodded and smiled and said "Si, Senora." It's a funny story that he tells a lot better than I do. Sorry.

Negropolis April 11, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Nice! Except that I would have followed that up with impeccable English. lol

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 11:44 pm

That's right, Newton. Stand your ground! Retweet and reload!

smokefilledroommate April 11, 2012 at 12:09 am

How many books does Callizard have to sell? Keep fucking that elephant..

Thedongsofwar April 11, 2012 at 7:20 am

Get a job!

ElPinche April 11, 2012 at 8:14 am

Calista won't let him quit.
"If you want some of this augmented pussy, you're in it to win it."

ttommyunger April 11, 2012 at 9:50 am

Oh, and BTW, please make the check payable to Calista, for America. Bankruptcy rules and such, ya know.

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