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Wonkette Bookmaker: For What Cabinet Position Will Mitt Romney ‘Tap’ Loser Rick Santorum?

Makin bookieThe presidential campaign of hated former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum climaxed prematurely, and he could not pull out the win. For what Cabinet position will Republican nominee by default Mitt Romney tap him?

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Department of Posterior

    • Blueb4sunrise

      stop the thread right there.

      • gullywompr

        Good night, everybody!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      For what Cabinet position will Republican nominee by default Mitt Romney tap him?

      I bet Rick doesn't really much care, just as long as Mitt still wants to tap him.

    • HarryButtle

      Department of the Interior (of the Posterior)

  • Barb

    Department of Blah.

  • Joshua Norton

    I heard Mitt Romney is so boring that his Secret Service code name is "Mitt Romney".

    • Barb

      I saw his poolside picture and his secret service name should be "Newt Gingrich".

  • rickmaci

    Secretary of Altered State of Reality.

  • MissTaken

    Department of Women's Studies.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Now there's a department I'd like to "head", if you know what I mean.

      And I think you do…

    • SorosBot

      New finding: the clitoris does not exist, and there is no such thing as a female orgasm.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Sharight! Like *that's* news…

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Deportably_Jose

        Well, that's a relief.

      • MissTaken

        And time spent looking for it is better spent shooting guns and watching football.

        • SorosBot

          Exactly. All this talk of guys (and lesbians) pleasing their women might give the little wifeys the idea that they're supposed to enjoy sex instead of just lying back passively to let their husband shoot his seed in them; so we can't have that.

          Rick's afraid that someone might tell Karen that liberal men will actually do things with their tongue on a woman, a thought which makes him nauseous.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Tongue?

            Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!

  • ElPinche

    It's scary on how we, the Wonkborg, all think similarly.

  • iburl

    Secretary of Calling People Snobs Because They Think That Everyone Who Wants To Go To College Should Be Able To

  • GuanoFaucet

    Commissioner of Sewers?

  • Baconzgood

    Dept of I've Got My Head Up My Ass and I'm a Racist and Sexist Fuck Lump?

    • ElPinche

      Hahaha…fuck lump!

    • sullivanst

      I believe Romney already has a selection for that post, one Mr. "I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my butt"

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    High Priest and Senior Pedophile.

  • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

    Not sure what post Santorum will get, but I hope Gingrich gets appointed Janitor.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Not so much a cabinet post as a closet one.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Just don't let him near the Jet Propulsion Laboratory.

    • sarah_connor

      what is the color of shit and the consistency of smegma and goes faster than the speed of sound?

  • MosesInvests

    Minister of Religious Genocide.

  • Goonemeritus

    WHY DOES THIS SITE KEEP IGNORING RON PAUL!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • nounverb911

      Who? Didn't he die at the end of "Atlas Shrugged"?

      • Oblios_Cap

        We're long overdue for a flame war with the Paultards.

        • Fare la Volpe

          That means we're ripe for a preemptive strike! Oh let's, please!

    • Baconzgood

      I see where you're going with this but really, is this somthing you want?

      • Goonemeritus

        Hey there is a fat kid and a pool it would be a crime against nature if no pushing got done.

    • LetUsBray

      Who?

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      I think Ron Paul would make a perfect Secretary of Government is Bad Therefore I Want to be Part of Government Agency.
      (GBTWPA)

      The GBTWPA has the very important job of proving that government sucks by appointing people who suck at governing.

    • Steverino247

      Because he remains so flat, no one can see him lying there?

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      I agree. Without Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich there would be no humor left in the race, none at all, just boring speechification about nothing from now until November.

  • Come here a minute

    Rick willl get one of those harmless, do-nothing diplomatic assignments to a sexxxy foreign hotspot. Ambassador Santorum, the United States' man in the Vatican.

    • SayItWithWookies

      He should head the Venice consulate, so they would know him as "The man in the boat."

  • Radio福井県

    Romney is so happy about this he is firing 1/2 of his staff.

  • nounverb911

    Staff martyr?

  • Joshua Norton

    Make him Ambassador to the Netherlands so he has to explain why he publicly lied about their health system.

  • http://wonkette.com Chill-A-Sketch

    General Manager at Chuck E Cheese.

    • nounverb911

      Vomit mopper at Chuck E. Cheese.

      • http://wonkette.com Chill-A-Sketch

        Night shift Jizz Mopper at Hooters.

    • HippieEsq

      The law firm that eventually hires him will be about as reputable.

  • OneYieldRegular

    After all the nice things Rick said about Mitt during the primaries, I'm guessing he'll be lucky to be named Deputy Assistant Undersecretary to White House Pastor Rick Warren.

  • BornInATrailer

    With his anti-contraception angle, Department of Labor?

    • Gleem McShineys

      Department of Forced Labor and Rape Miracles

  • DaRooster

    Pope!

  • Schmannnity

    Pope

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      You two call each other?

      • Schmannnity

        I should have used an exclamation point for the p's.

        • DaRooster

          P is for Point!!

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Secretary of Aggrieved Culture.

  • James Michael Curley

    Man on Dog Catcher.

  • DonnyKerabotsos

    Frothmaster General.

  • pinkocommi

    The only Department Santorum should be the head of is one of the three Departments Mittens eliminates.

    For the record, I cannot recall them, but neither can Mittens.

  • el_donaldo

    If Romney wants payback, he'll nominate Rick to Ambassador to Sweden.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Obvious one: Dog catcher

  • nounverb911

    Prison shower monitor?

  • HippieEsq

    Because government humor is the best kind….

    United States Blah Representative (amabassador level, obvi)

    United Nations Embarrasador

    Ambassador to the Prussian Empire

    Secretary of Labia

    Director of National Unintelligence.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Head Up Interior?

  • Oblios_Cap

    Santorum could not pull out? Sounds vaguely man-on-dog ish, if you ask me.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Bucket of cold water will usually do the trick.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Ambassador to Gofuckyourselfistan.

  • el_donaldo

    I'll point out that not letting me vote multiple times in the category or categories of my choosing is not Wonkette-type behavior. Just saying.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      That's pre-9-11 thinking

    • vtxmcrider

      They should have used Diebold.

  • sullivanst

    Chief of Staff?

  • SayItWithWookies

    He should head the Select Committee on Assinations.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Head Pilgrim Re-enactor.

    For real — I'm just now picturing him wearing those buckle-y shoes and pull-up stockings, and it fits.

    • elviouslyqueer

      FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP.

  • Sassomatic

    Secretary of Shit Eating Vagina Haters.

  • gullywompr

    Romney Taps Santorum for Justice.

    • HippieEsq

      love it. Let me play….

      "Romney Probing Santourum for Interior Post"

  • notreelyhelping

    Secretary of Transubstantiation?

    • LetUsBray

      Or, for the altar boys, Transubanalpenetration.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Pope.

  • Redhead

    Head of the Office of What You're Doing Wrong In Your Life According to God.

  • Wilcoxyz

    Four years in the fetal position.

  • fartknocker

    Target Positioning Technician at the Barry Goldwater Gunnery Range.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Mitt's personal Ball Washer

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Romney Shmomney. Obama should appoint him Ambassador to some Third World Equatorial African country full of the blah people. And no air conditioning in the Embassy either.

  • SorosBot

    Loser-in-chief.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      GINGRICH LIBEL!

  • cheetojeebus

    doggie style?

  • IncenseDebate

    A large post right up his interior.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Department of Insanitation?

  • Guppy

    Department of Uterine Security

  • owhatever

    Nothing. Gimme your damn delegates, you loser, and get lost. You cost me millions of dollars and months of wasted time, not to mention helping to ignite a revolt among women voters. I lose this thing now and I'm coming after your balls with a rusty razor.

  • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

    Romney will create a Department of Santorum. Santorum will manage santorum.

  • widestanceromance

    Secretary of Wanting to Vomit

  • mavenmaven

    Dept of Derriere

  • http://dccabbie.blogspot.com Madcabbie

    I heard from a reliable source that he is going to be the next DC Taxicab Commissioner!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    None of the above, he's going to be the Duggar Family's Secretary of Education

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Quite obviously, Santorum will be Mittens' Groom of the Stool:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groom_of_the_Stool

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Secretary of Jeebus!

  • Ducksworthy

    Ahh Shucks. We'll miss you little Ricky, as will the Tea Baggers. They were really lapping up that santorum while you Tea Bagged them

  • DahBoner

    Digisexual?

  • Schmegeg

    Vatican Ambassador to the USA

  • poorgradstudent

    Chief manager of the Marcus Bachmann Honorary Homosexual Treatment Facilities.

  • rocktonsam

    Czar of Morality

    obvs

  • Exhausted66

    Cabinet position? In the back next to the Pyrex bowls and the Salad Tossers.

  • Negropolis

    I refuse to answer this. Where is "All of them, Katie"?

    I don't know Wonkette, anymore.

  • Negropolis

    Sec. of Department of Lady Interior?

  • SaintRond

    When Rick Santorum thinks about gay sex, he wants to throw up. If he talks about gay sex as much as he thinks about gay sex, then he wants to throw up more than my cat, who throws up a lot (cats throw up all the time)

    Rick Santorum throws up more than cats throw up.

  • ttommyunger

    "Grand Poobah of Upper Buttcrack" comes to mind.

  • imtroymcclure

    Department Of Uptight Closeted Homosexual Evangelists?