YOU SAY GOODBYE AND I'LL SAY HELLO  2:52 pm April 10, 2012

Wonkette Bookmaker: For What Cabinet Position Will Mitt Romney ‘Tap’ Loser Rick Santorum?

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Makin bookieThe presidential campaign of hated former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum climaxed prematurely, and he could not pull out the win. For what Cabinet position will Republican nominee by default Mitt Romney tap him?

 
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{ 111 comments }

Gratuitous World April 10, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Department of Posterior

Blueb4sunrise April 10, 2012 at 2:55 pm

stop the thread right there.

gullywompr April 10, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Good night, everybody!

Lascauxcaveman April 10, 2012 at 3:22 pm

For what Cabinet position will Republican nominee by default Mitt Romney tap him?

I bet Rick doesn't really much care, just as long as Mitt still wants to tap him.

HarryButtle April 10, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Department of the Interior (of the Posterior)

Barb April 10, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Department of Blah.

Joshua Norton April 10, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I heard Mitt Romney is so boring that his Secret Service code name is "Mitt Romney".

Barb April 10, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I saw his poolside picture and his secret service name should be "Newt Gingrich".

rickmaci April 10, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Secretary of Altered State of Reality.

MissTaken April 10, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Department of Women's Studies.

actor212 April 10, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Now there's a department I'd like to "head", if you know what I mean.

And I think you do…

SorosBot April 10, 2012 at 3:32 pm

New finding: the clitoris does not exist, and there is no such thing as a female orgasm.

actor212 April 10, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Sharight! Like *that's* news…

Deportably_Jose April 10, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Well, that's a relief.

MissTaken April 10, 2012 at 3:52 pm

And time spent looking for it is better spent shooting guns and watching football.

SorosBot April 10, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Exactly. All this talk of guys (and lesbians) pleasing their women might give the little wifeys the idea that they're supposed to enjoy sex instead of just lying back passively to let their husband shoot his seed in them; so we can't have that.

Rick's afraid that someone might tell Karen that liberal men will actually do things with their tongue on a woman, a thought which makes him nauseous.

actor212 April 10, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Tongue?

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!

ElPinche April 10, 2012 at 2:57 pm

It's scary on how we, the Wonkborg, all think similarly.

iburl April 10, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Secretary of Calling People Snobs Because They Think That Everyone Who Wants To Go To College Should Be Able To

GuanoFaucet April 10, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Commissioner of Sewers?

Baconzgood April 10, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Dept of I've Got My Head Up My Ass and I'm a Racist and Sexist Fuck Lump?

ElPinche April 10, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Hahaha…fuck lump!

sullivanst April 10, 2012 at 4:16 pm

I believe Romney already has a selection for that post, one Mr. "I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my butt"

actor212 April 10, 2012 at 2:59 pm

High Priest and Senior Pedophile.

GuyClinch April 10, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Not sure what post Santorum will get, but I hope Gingrich gets appointed Janitor.

littlebigdaddy April 10, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Not so much a cabinet post as a closet one.

ChernobylSoup April 10, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Just don't let him near the Jet Propulsion Laboratory.

sarah_connor April 10, 2012 at 3:33 pm

what is the color of shit and the consistency of smegma and goes faster than the speed of sound?

MosesInvests April 10, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Minister of Religious Genocide.

Goonemeritus April 10, 2012 at 3:03 pm

WHY DOES THIS SITE KEEP IGNORING RON PAUL!!!!!!!!!!!!

nounverb911 April 10, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Who? Didn't he die at the end of "Atlas Shrugged"?

Oblios_Cap April 10, 2012 at 3:20 pm

We're long overdue for a flame war with the Paultards.

Fare la Volpe April 10, 2012 at 3:43 pm

That means we're ripe for a preemptive strike! Oh let's, please!

Baconzgood April 10, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I see where you're going with this but really, is this somthing you want?

Goonemeritus April 10, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Hey there is a fat kid and a pool it would be a crime against nature if no pushing got done.

LetUsBray April 10, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Who?

HobbesEvilTwin April 10, 2012 at 3:46 pm

I think Ron Paul would make a perfect Secretary of Government is Bad Therefore I Want to be Part of Government Agency.
(GBTWPA)

The GBTWPA has the very important job of proving that government sucks by appointing people who suck at governing.

Steverino247 April 10, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Because he remains so flat, no one can see him lying there?

gurukalehuru April 10, 2012 at 5:53 pm

I agree. Without Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich there would be no humor left in the race, none at all, just boring speechification about nothing from now until November.

Come here a minute April 10, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Rick willl get one of those harmless, do-nothing diplomatic assignments to a sexxxy foreign hotspot. Ambassador Santorum, the United States' man in the Vatican.

SayItWithWookies April 10, 2012 at 3:16 pm

He should head the Venice consulate, so they would know him as "The man in the boat."

Radio福井県 April 10, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Romney is so happy about this he is firing 1/2 of his staff.

nounverb911 April 10, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Staff martyr?

Joshua Norton April 10, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Make him Ambassador to the Netherlands so he has to explain why he publicly lied about their health system.

Chill-A-Sketch April 10, 2012 at 3:06 pm

General Manager at Chuck E Cheese.

nounverb911 April 10, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Vomit mopper at Chuck E. Cheese.

Chill-A-Sketch April 10, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Night shift Jizz Mopper at Hooters.

HippieEsq April 10, 2012 at 3:16 pm

The law firm that eventually hires him will be about as reputable.

OneYieldRegular April 10, 2012 at 3:07 pm

After all the nice things Rick said about Mitt during the primaries, I'm guessing he'll be lucky to be named Deputy Assistant Undersecretary to White House Pastor Rick Warren.

BornInATrailer April 10, 2012 at 3:08 pm

With his anti-contraception angle, Department of Labor?

Gleem McShineys April 10, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Department of Forced Labor and Rape Miracles

DaRooster April 10, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Pope!

Schmannnity April 10, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Pope

actor212 April 10, 2012 at 3:14 pm

You two call each other?

Schmannnity April 10, 2012 at 3:23 pm

I should have used an exclamation point for the p's.

DaRooster April 10, 2012 at 3:25 pm

P is for Point!!

Doktor StrangeZoom April 10, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Secretary of Aggrieved Culture.

James Michael Curley April 10, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Man on Dog Catcher.

DonnyKerabotsos April 10, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Frothmaster General.

pinkocommi April 10, 2012 at 3:12 pm

The only Department Santorum should be the head of is one of the three Departments Mittens eliminates.

For the record, I cannot recall them, but neither can Mittens.

el_donaldo April 10, 2012 at 3:13 pm

If Romney wants payback, he'll nominate Rick to Ambassador to Sweden.

actor212 April 10, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Obvious one: Dog catcher

nounverb911 April 10, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Prison shower monitor?

HippieEsq April 10, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Because government humor is the best kind….

United States Blah Representative (amabassador level, obvi)

United Nations Embarrasador

Ambassador to the Prussian Empire

Secretary of Labia

Director of National Unintelligence.

actor212 April 10, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Head Up Interior?

Oblios_Cap April 10, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Santorum could not pull out? Sounds vaguely man-on-dog ish, if you ask me.

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Bucket of cold water will usually do the trick.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 10, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Ambassador to Gofuckyourselfistan.

el_donaldo April 10, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I'll point out that not letting me vote multiple times in the category or categories of my choosing is not Wonkette-type behavior. Just saying.

actor212 April 10, 2012 at 3:21 pm

That's pre-9-11 thinking

vtxmcrider April 10, 2012 at 7:16 pm

They should have used Diebold.

sullivanst April 10, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Chief of Staff?

SayItWithWookies April 10, 2012 at 3:18 pm

He should head the Select Committee on Assinations.

Mumbletypeg April 10, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Head Pilgrim Re-enactor.

For real — I'm just now picturing him wearing those buckle-y shoes and pull-up stockings, and it fits.

elviouslyqueer April 10, 2012 at 3:39 pm

FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP.

Sassomatic April 10, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Secretary of Shit Eating Vagina Haters.

gullywompr April 10, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Romney Taps Santorum for Justice.

HippieEsq April 10, 2012 at 3:28 pm

love it. Let me play….

"Romney Probing Santourum for Interior Post"

notreelyhelping April 10, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Secretary of Transubstantiation?

LetUsBray April 10, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Or, for the altar boys, Transubanalpenetration.

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Pope.

Redhead April 10, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Head of the Office of What You're Doing Wrong In Your Life According to God.

Wilcoxyz April 10, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Four years in the fetal position.

fartknocker April 10, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Target Positioning Technician at the Barry Goldwater Gunnery Range.

ManchuCandidate April 10, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Mitt's personal Ball Washer

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Romney Shmomney. Obama should appoint him Ambassador to some Third World Equatorial African country full of the blah people. And no air conditioning in the Embassy either.

SorosBot April 10, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Loser-in-chief.

actor212 April 10, 2012 at 4:00 pm

GINGRICH LIBEL!

cheetojeebus April 10, 2012 at 3:37 pm

doggie style?

IncenseDebate April 10, 2012 at 3:37 pm

A large post right up his interior.

elviouslyqueer April 10, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Department of Insanitation?

Guppy April 10, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Department of Uterine Security

owhatever April 10, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Nothing. Gimme your damn delegates, you loser, and get lost. You cost me millions of dollars and months of wasted time, not to mention helping to ignite a revolt among women voters. I lose this thing now and I'm coming after your balls with a rusty razor.

valthemus April 10, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Romney will create a Department of Santorum. Santorum will manage santorum.

widestanceromance April 10, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Secretary of Wanting to Vomit

mavenmaven April 10, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Dept of Derriere

Madcabbie April 10, 2012 at 4:26 pm

I heard from a reliable source that he is going to be the next DC Taxicab Commissioner!

johnnyzhivago April 10, 2012 at 4:37 pm

None of the above, he's going to be the Duggar Family's Secretary of Education

Chet Kincaid April 10, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Quite obviously, Santorum will be Mittens' Groom of the Stool:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groom_of_the_Stool

gurukalehuru April 10, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Secretary of Jeebus!

Ducksworthy April 10, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Ahh Shucks. We'll miss you little Ricky, as will the Tea Baggers. They were really lapping up that santorum while you Tea Bagged them

DahBoner April 10, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Digisexual?

Schmegeg April 10, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Vatican Ambassador to the USA

poorgradstudent April 10, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Chief manager of the Marcus Bachmann Honorary Homosexual Treatment Facilities.

rocktonsam April 10, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Czar of Morality

obvs

Exhausted66 April 11, 2012 at 12:08 am

Cabinet position? In the back next to the Pyrex bowls and the Salad Tossers.

Negropolis April 11, 2012 at 12:18 am

I refuse to answer this. Where is "All of them, Katie"?

I don't know Wonkette, anymore.

Negropolis April 11, 2012 at 12:19 am

Sec. of Department of Lady Interior?

SaintRond April 11, 2012 at 8:42 am

When Rick Santorum thinks about gay sex, he wants to throw up. If he talks about gay sex as much as he thinks about gay sex, then he wants to throw up more than my cat, who throws up a lot (cats throw up all the time)

Rick Santorum throws up more than cats throw up.

ttommyunger April 11, 2012 at 9:54 am

"Grand Poobah of Upper Buttcrack" comes to mind.

imtroymcclure April 11, 2012 at 10:39 am

Department Of Uptight Closeted Homosexual Evangelists?

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