Do you hear that? That is the sound of weeping — really, that phlegmy, breathless, hacking snot-snarfling SOBBING — throughout the land as political humorists realize the little spitty, sneery, smegmatic Torquemadita has bowed to something called “reality.” And now he is not quitting, per se (because that way you can no longer spend your campaign funds maybe?) but is “suspending” his campaign. Is Rick Perry’s campaign still suspended? Is Herman Cain’s? Did those dudes ever actually quit? Anybody wanna check on that?
When did this “suspending” campaign thing start anyway? It must have been pre-McCain right? (You remember: the MAVERICK ONE was constantly flying around the country, “suspending” his campaign because the only other way to show how truly erratic he was was to select Sarah Palin as veep?) The first campaign “suspender” we can think of was oddball Ross Perot, but he was actually just constantly quitting and then getting back in?
Anyway, this is a terrible thing that has started happening, in politics. Please grab the only clue from the Snowbilly Grifter and just fuckin’ quit, man. Just grab two beers and slide down the emergency exit slide. Be a hero, not a zero.
[Television]
{ 235 comments }
Somewhere God is sadly taking down his Santorum yard sign.
Can God create a yard sign SO BIG even he couldn't take it down? And would he then get fined by his homeowner's association?
No, and hell yes.
Could God's homeowner association levy a fine on him SO BIG he couldn't pay it?
No, he'd just smite the shit outta them and elect a new puppet board to have the fine overturned. Packing the board, so to speak.
Somewhere God is sadly taking down his Satan sign.
Resigning so he can spend less time with his family we understand
I blame the Duggars. I'd cut a bitch if I had all 19 of them following me around like Deadheads.
They are deadheads, just not the kind you mean.
Mr. Santorum, Roger Ailes for you on line one.
Onward Christian soldier as to retreat from this election……
Fucking aye!
Now his kids can continue their home colleging.
Colleging is for snobs.
If their grades are good enough, they might get into a good home medical school!
Kids, go sterilize the potato peeler. Today we're learning brain surgery.
If it was good enough for Rand Paul…
There has never been a more apropos photo to headline a Wonkette post with.
"Breaking", "Rick Santorum" and "Balls" DO seem very Wonkette.
This picture just kept getting recycled waiting for today and a real reason to cry (for all of us).
That is the look of an 18-point loss, so in this context it's actually quite generous.
The late night comedians weep.
The Daily Show, the Colbert Report and the Tonight show all announced writing staff cutbacks….
With Santorum out, I think they'd finally have to break down and hire some comedy writers.
The Tonight Show has writers?
As Lewis Black said about Obama winning in 2008, it's not like stupidity fled my country with this turn of events. There will still be plenty to rant about.
Newt, your turn!
Why is your grey bar next to your name green instead of grey?
Ooooh yer following Ba-aarb. NY lurves Ba-aarb.
Haha. Your God told you to run for President because 1) he loves humor columnists and talk show hosts more than anyone and 2) he really enjoys watching you lose, Loser.
Xtains always say their god never gives them shit they can't handle. What happened, Rickie?
You can't fit a handle on froth, I suppose…….
I believe whole heartedly that God told him to run….He told him to run, he didn't say he was going to win.
Jesus loves the little liberals,
all the liberals of the world.
We may argue bitch and fight
but we're still precious in his sight,
Jesus loves the little liberals of the world.
You can say there is no God…but then you'd have to explain why fate has such an hilarious sense of humor…..
Rick's using the term 'suspend,' not 'end' the campaign — because God has put him on hold. I'm sure the suspendse is killing him as much as it is us.
Sure it's not just because Rick loves being in suspenders?
What GOP pol doesn't?
Now Santorum is just another brown stain on the underwear of politics.
A skidmark on the highway to hell.
His pole numbers were sliding anyway.
Out, damn spot!
Is this a weasel I which I see before me?
In a perfect world, we get a new family photo today in which the girl cries while holding a vibrator that picks up the color of her blouse.
I really, really, really want a new crying child photo. Really.
How much will it cost to clean up the santorum slick?
Suspension vs quitting means he can still fund-raise, amirite?
Means he's a few million in debt.
You can still fundraise to retire debts, even if you're honest about quitting.
He can keep using money he's raised.
Daddy's got to pay the vendors.
I checked!
They're all toast, metaphysically speaking.
kthxbye
Did his kids cry again? Oh please…
Only cuz he stuck thumbtacks in their shoes
Adios, Dorquemada, and thanks for all the cheap double entendres. I look forward to the National Enquirer expose about the hot gay sidepiece you'll finally allow yourself to enjoy, now that God has abandoned you anyway.
"Dorquemada"
I'm so naming my twee hipster polka band that…
Looks like the camp crusader has decamped…..
The suspends was killing me.
Jinx!
too tight, huh?
Well, on the bright side the number one hit on teh Googles has changed, at least temporarily.
You can't just let the santorum drop right out; that will make a big mess all over the floor.
Plop!
In Ross Perot's defense, rogue bands of Jews were trying to disrupt his daughter's wedding.
This is good news for Sarah Palin!
Who?
Perhaps now we can reclaim the original meaning of Santorum,
Only two to go and Mittens will have his runway clear for takeoff and crashing into the mountain.
Walnuts Libel!1!
Someone explain to me how the hell Santorum got the message before Newt? Don't tell me that stain is actually SMARTER than the Toad?
Ron Brown libel! :(
Looks like someone finally figured out how to get the Santorum out.
In Santorum's case, suspending the campaign just means he wants Newt to quit before he does. It's like a game of stupid, already hypnotized chicken.
Man on quit.
Dare I say, what began as a frothy mix of bs well lubed with hate and fear, ended in a stinky drizzly mess.
Will Santorum be appearing on Dancing With the Stars? Possibly his own show?
Gloryholes: Pennsyltucky Coal Mining Homeschoolers!
Bullshitting with the Crazies.
I'm curious as to how much more precipitously Republican voter turn out will drop for the rest of the primary cycle. Showing up to vote for Romney? Good luck with that. This could be good news for progressive ballot props and candidates down the ticket a ways.
Toodaloo Cream Cup. Don't let the door or the Constitution hit you in the ass on your way home.
Whoopie, and then Imma party like a rock star with Nancy Pelosi as soon as the jewelry pig titty baby waddles home.
I love everyone. Seriously, I'm giddy.
*huggin missesish and wiping a tear from my eye*
It's a great day. I'll never forget who I was with and what I first did when I heard.
*breaks open champagne* I very nearly ran out of my office and shouted about it. I still might.
This is good news for his desperately ill daughter!
In the cold, dark, side of my heart, I have to wonder if the real reason that Rick is dropping out is because he didn't get the sympathy bounce he thought he would in his home state.
Let us hope so. As much as I despise what her father is trying to do, his being near her can only help.
He's been away far too long, should have never ran for president.
Now he won't have to wait until Noon to start drinking.
But Peggington Noonanbotham will still be mad if he tries to get a headstart on her.
Too true, maybe they could get bombed together on novitiate wine as they watch "The Price is Right"? Oh yeah, I almost forgot. BALLS. HAIRY SWEATY BALLS.
Something about melonballs and slippery nipples. And maybe hair of the dog.
You mean it wasn't enough to just pray that you're gonna be Preznit? If it were me, I'd ask for my money back.
You can't just pray; you have to give money to the church or it won't work. It's like a big ol' wishing well.
With no republican challengers Romney will be able to spend all that money attacking Obama.
Oh, who am I kidding? There is no end to the money, no matter who it's being spent against.
I see you wise folks here have avoided the old "you won't have Santorum to kick around anymore" line. That would be too easy. Simple, low hanging fruit like that is best left alone.
Oh, but we will; he'll be getting the newspaper columns and Fox "News" blathering spots again, because getting disgraced as a total lose once wasn't enough to prevent people from hiring him.
You won't have Santorum to wriggle around in anymore.
"Simple, low hanging fruit"
BALLS
Or in Rick's case, dingleberries.
I can't afford a shoe shine.
Rick really outdid Saint Sarah here. Rather than terminate the pregnancy he decided there was more political capital to be gained by allowing a defective fetus to be born into a world of ongoing agony and early death. This beats Down's Syndrome all to hell.
"born into a world of ongoing agony"
Although that *could* describe the Palin family as well as the Santorum family.
It's an Easter-time feel-good story! Like that movie The Robe!
Sodomists 1, Rick Santorum 0. Gooooo sodomists!
Rah rah ree! Kick him in the knee!
Rah rah rass! Kick him in the other knee!
I had to suspend my disbelief when he spoke, so now we're even.
(Technically they suspend the campaign so they can continue to raise money to pay debts. Also so their delegates are not released.)
Think of the children! Think of the dead fetus! This is a sad day for America
Golf claps for Mittens.
This is the moment Gary Bauer has been waiting for. Get in the race, little fella!
He was like, Forrest Gump running across country." That's it folks, go home, I'm done!"
Sometimes Life is Not Like a Box of Chocolates…
"Sometimes, santorum is like a puddle of melted chocolates"
The four-legged stool of Ronald Reagan! Even his turds were awesome!
I knew something was up when he took off his white sweater vest and began waving it around.
Ave Maria.
I find this easy to masterbate too.
Ricky, we hardly knew ya! (Well actually we did, like an extremely annoying family member who calls up occasionally to rant about the coloreds).
But he was the one I hated the most. Don't get me wrong, I hate all of them. But his was a special kind of hatred that almost cannot be described.
Ricky, I genuinely wish we hardly knew ye.
It's almost as if his views didn't reflect the majority of the electorate.
Or even the majority of the Catholic church.
You know what other right wing politician had an unsuccessful first foray at the national level?
Too easy.
No kidding. Of all the threads not to have an immediate "All of 'em, Katie"…
Ante Pavelić?
Good one. I had to Google it.
Ah, good idea. Stick to evil non-Hitler Catholics. More of a challenge.
Juan Peron?
Reagan?
America's Sweetheart, Basil Marceaux?
Jesus?
Richard Nixon?
Every other Republican who ran this year?
JON HUNTSMAN LIBEL!
(though admittedly, the nation in question was China)
David Duke?
Carli Fiorina?
Barry Goldwater?
He just wants to spend more time at home with the conspiratorial voices in his head.
He wants to spend more time at home thinking of ways to restrict options for other families.
He wants to spend more time at home preparing a stunning response to the oppression of real American white Christians by those pesky blahs.
And all comedians leak frothy ass juice.
When Thomas Kinkade kicked, ol' Ricky saw the writing on the wall that Jesus Power was at ebb tide.
Now Mittens can concentrate on losing to Obama.
The Koch Brothers have spoken.
Perhaps now we can reclaim the rightful meaning of "blah". There is so much in this world that actually deserves to be qualified as "blah".
Blah!
He never had much of a chance with that de-fetus attitude of his…
(I think I have now maxed out my allowed uses of this pun)
But Baconz is going to miss the punch line where Ricky gets butchered in his home state (again). Oh well God opens a window when he closes a door and what not.
This is the time to launch a big grass-roots effort to get Ricky to reconsider, and put lots and lots of grifted money into the PA primary. Just for the lulz.
Christ, is that what that banging about is? Shut the damn window, Jahweh, some of us are trying to get some shut eye in here! Jehosophat! And take your whiny douche servant Rick with you. Leave the daughters.
How convenient to pull out the old 'my defective child is sick and needs me now' card just before Pennsylvania. I couldn't hate this ass-clown more.
I guess God wanted him out of the race after telling Ricky he should run. Such a fickle asshole God is, huh, Rick?
Did he win Pennsylvania like he promised?
It was a moral victory.
The vulture wins. The vulture ultimately always wins.
I wish God would make up his mind.
Right, at 14 billion years old, She should be able to make up Her mind. Keeping track of every sparrow, ant, grain of sand etc. on the billions of habitable planets in each of the billions of galaxies is proving too much for Her. What She needs is for the government of Arizona to step in start helping Her.
Rick Santorum
20122016Ahhhh…I love the smell of fresh Santorum in the morning!!!
You'd be the only one, then.
It ain't over until they find the dead hooker's body…
As I said when this thing started, he's not allowed to be officially done with his campaign until they re-stage that picture. It's the only way we'll have closure.
suspends, depends, whats the difference, same santorum all over the place.
Now comes the ardurous task of cleaning up the untidy bits of a failed campaign bid.
So the last of the God's Chosen candidates are gone.
And then, on the fifth day, he was dead again.
Everybody roll the rock back in place quick!
And this time, cement it in place.
If you meet the Santorum on the road…
This fap's for you, Rick!
fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap
I'm gonna have sex with a condom to celebrate!
It's more fun to have sex with a guy. I'm just sayin'…
Adios, amoeba.
You guys realize that, given the GOP line of succession, Brownie's now the front runner for 2016?
Santorum pulls a Palin!
He is now proper VP material!
So, the Mormon Death Squads finally got to him?
Fun bit of non-humor: being a nerd, I have a lot of friends who are into indie RPGs. Apparently, one of the more popular ones out there is literally about Mormon Death Squads, during the frontier days.
The guy who wrote it had previously gained notice with a game called "kill puppies for satan" which is about… well, you can probably figure it out honestly.
A RPG about the Gingrich campaign?
Towels! Stat!!
So he aborted?
Romney squeezed out that last bit of Santorum
Goodbye, easy punchlines.
(I shouldn't feel too happy, since part of the reason he's dropping out is his youngest daughter has been really sick.)
I am sorry his daughter is so ill, but she was ill when he started this pointless national shitshow, and it was clear that she wasn't going to improve. My heart does go out to the family.
The part that has me really ragey, is that if Bella was anyone else's child, she more than likely would have been dead by now, and the family living in a refrigerator box in an alley because they had to sell the house and all their possessions to pay the hospital bills.
And that fuck Santorum gets free health care for the rest of his life.
I was referring to her recurring pneumonia, not her Trisomy 18. I apologize for the confusion.
The Fundy hand-wringing is about to begin, "Oh why, oh why did we get stuck with Romney? What will we ever dooooo. He's a child of Satan!"
Well, there is a candidate who's a nice, church-going Christian, family man. But he's a blah, so never mind that.
Rick, now do you understand how nice it is to have a choice about major events in your life?
The world will little note, nor long remember Rick Santorum. But Google never forgets.
Sooo, who had April Tenth in the Death Pool? C'mon, winner winner, chicken dinner!
I think it's safe to say that Santorum just sputtered out.
In tribute to Rick, ladies should just "suspend" their pregnancies.
In solidarity, the Abortionplex closed early today.
Oh, I dunno. I like to think he just pooped out.
He poops out every time he says something.
Wasn't this dude just saying, like a week ago, that Americans needed a candidate who wouldn't quit when things got hard, or he was faced with resistance, but would just keep pushing on, and pushing on… and now Santorum's dropping out?
Huh. Well, sounds like this story has a happy ending for someone.
I, for one, appreciate how he eased into the race, getting his hands dirty and working all over; not just diving right in to the national scene. He gradually built up momentum. And then when it was over, he gently and expeditiously (yet not too abruptly) withdrew. Because of this, the gaping hole in our hearts remained for but a moment.
Filthy, filthy, filthy. You should have your mouth washed out with san..soap.
Be sure to tell Santorum supporters that they can still vote for him by writing his name over Romney's.
What will I do with my sweater vest emporium? Fucker!!
Now little Ricky faces the most important decision of his life…..Celebrity Apprentice or Dancing with the Stars?
Hitlery suspended her campaign too. I think she was broke so it was irrelevant what she called it – otherwise the PUMAs would be riding her ass to this day.
Barry just gave a fabulous speech, I feel my lady parts moistening up nicely, ready for November.
It's hard to feel sorry for this guy. But I'm not trying very hard.
Kind of pissed off…going to miss the narrative explaining the Pennsylvania loss to the Mittster…(I never really played hockey, but I'm sure my friends own either the Flyers or the Penguins.)
Let's hope he'll add pointless pontification from the sidelines (colored commentary) as Barack Hussein battles RoboBoy to the finish. At least Newt remains steadfast. Doesn't he?
You telling me rick aborted!!!???
Did someone want a new Rick family fail photo to play with blingees on well here you go kids:
http://i.huffpost.com/gen/563942/thumbs/r-SANTORU…
you gotta laugh that this pic is called R-SANTORUM-huge
Good to see the son got contacts. Shame they couldn't do anything about the ears or the thousand-yard stare.
Unfortunately, Papi still has a fetish for men in crisp uniforms.
"They looked good"…
There, there, Ricky. Maybe you can build your rights-stripping, woman-hating, ass-rape-the-middle-class theocracy some other time.
Frothy, we hardly knew ye….
I can report from Santorum country that the rabble has a sad and are vowing not to vote, and exactly as I have predicted are being as arbitrary, ornery and full of hate as these particular folks relentlessly are. My crazies have reacted as badly as we could have hoped. They hate Mitt Romney even more now because he is a moderate (ever present truthaboutromney.com) in a republican establishment mask and their true Jesus-prince of Conservatism has been slain by an imposter. This is going to be interesting.
By Santorum country you mean his facebook page….i can't almost wait to put this in their faces….
FB sounds better than my entire state and actual people I know and live around voting for him, so yes! I probably won't say much though because they are stupid and wouldn't get my hilarious jokes anyway…
you poor poor person you living around morons…
Yeah, well, they all said they were going to vote when that moderate(ly crazy) John McCain won the nomination, and he still turned out the crazies in an election year where he was destined to lose.
I don't know if that's true. Headline is suggesting Rick Santorum actually has balls.
>>the little spitty, sneery, smegmatic Torquemadita<<
Good start, but you could do better by referencing Barry's recent call to Ricky.
Ricky: Why dost thou (call) me? (Show me a birth certificate, or) (I'll) know thee not.
Barry: Fellow, I know thee.
Ricky: What dost thou know me for?
Barry: A knave; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, action-taking whoreson, glass-gazing, superserviceable, finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd, in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pander, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch: one whom I will beat into clamorous whining, if thou deniest the least syllable of thy addition (or presume to run against me in the up coming Presidential election).
guess who would write the laws to stop this practice…they very ones who do the same thing!
So, is this GOOD news for Dan Savage, or BAD news for Dan Savage?
Yes.
"And now he is not quitting, per se … but is “suspending” his campaign. Is Rick Perry’s campaign still suspended? Is Herman Cain’s? Did those dudes ever actually quit?"
Let's all just agree that he's aborting his campaign.
You know what other traitor to the Constitution left Gettysburg in defeat?
You know what other traitor to the Constitution left Gettysburg in defeat?
Daniel Sickles?
Ha! Good one. Wasn't he an SOB, though? American Scoundrel, indeed.
Kind of late to be terminating.
The nomination is now Ron Paul's for the taking.
Seriously, someone answer me, even if I've asked before: where does extra campaign money go when you drop out? Or are campaign's always in debt more than they have? If they suspend, does that mean they have more time with their debt? I have a feeling Perry left with extra money in the bank…what are the rules about how that is spent?
It can be used to pay down campaign debt or used down the road for another fun. I'm not sure it's the same with presidential campaigns, but I think you can even use the money to run for other offices (i.e. Senate, House, etc…).
So Santorum is pulling out early. Too bad his daddy didn't.
Great. What the hell am I going to do with this box of presidential sweater vets?
The Grand OLD Party. The Party of suspenders.
Run this by me again: he gets caught on tape saying something racist about Black people. Then, the next day, he says, "Oh no. I wasn't saying anything about Black people. I was talking about Blah people." And the press lets him get away with that? What kind of a universe are we living in???
Dear Rick:
It's been fun, this Republican primary season, kicking you in the Balls but I understand you're going to take them home now. Good. Go and crawl back down into whatever disgusting graft and Jesus filled hole you crawled out of and please do never darken our collective door again. Enjoy your cushy Speaker's fees and the wonderful taxpayer-funded healthcare social safety net that's been keeping your desperately ill daughter alive. Have the courtesy not to work towards destroying our social safety nets from now on.
Oh, and here's a tip: you probably enjoy living in the Pre-Enlightment Era in your head but there's no way in hell that we were ever going to allow you to drag the rest of the world back there. No way.
Very Sincerely yours, CRE
And Santorum ended with…
"And though I may be leaving the presidential arena, let me leave you with this: The near president is still blah. Thank you, and God bless!"
Rick would do well to simply put his concession speech on tape for future reference if he plans to continue in politics. Aside from being bat-shit crazy, he is almost as unlikeable as the Newtster, and that's saying a mouthful.
is the foto with this story real or was it photoshopped? seriously, because if it's real it's one of the creepiest images i've ever seen.
Santorum, and Santorum, and Santorum,
Creeps with his petty gripes from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all his frothing lies have lighted fools
The way to blithering blogs. Out, out, brief shitstain!
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