quitters

BREAKING! Rick Santorum Takes His Balls And Goes Home

WaaambulanceDo you hear that? That is the sound of weeping — really, that phlegmy, breathless, hacking snot-snarfling SOBBING — throughout the land as political humorists realize the little spitty, sneery, smegmatic Torquemadita has bowed to something called “reality.” And now he is not quitting, per se (because that way you can no longer spend your campaign funds maybe?) but is “suspending” his campaign. Is Rick Perry’s campaign still suspended? Is Herman Cain’s? Did those dudes ever actually quit? Anybody wanna check on that?

When did this “suspending” campaign thing start anyway? It must have been pre-McCain right? (You remember: the MAVERICK ONE was constantly flying around the country, “suspending” his campaign because the only other way to show how truly erratic he was was to select Sarah Palin as veep?) The first campaign “suspender” we can think of was oddball Ross Perot, but he was actually just constantly quitting and then getting back in?

Anyway, this is a terrible thing that has started happening, in politics. Please grab the only clue from the Snowbilly Grifter and just fuckin’ quit, man. Just grab two beers and slide down the emergency exit slide. Be a hero, not a zero.

[Television]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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235 comments

    1. teebob2000

      Can God create a yard sign SO BIG even he couldn't take it down? And would he then get fined by his homeowner's association?

        1. mayor_quimby

          No, he'd just smite the shit outta them and elect a new puppet board to have the fine overturned. Packing the board, so to speak.

    1. mrpuma2u

      The Daily Show, the Colbert Report and the Tonight show all announced writing staff cutbacks….

      1. Generation[redacted]

        With Santorum out, I think they'd finally have to break down and hire some comedy writers.

    2. CommieLibunatic

      As Lewis Black said about Obama winning in 2008, it's not like stupidity fled my country with this turn of events. There will still be plenty to rant about.

  1. Sassomatic

    Haha. Your God told you to run for President because 1) he loves humor columnists and talk show hosts more than anyone and 2) he really enjoys watching you lose, Loser.

      1. dijetlo

        I believe whole heartedly that God told him to run….He told him to run, he didn't say he was going to win.

        Jesus loves the little liberals,
        all the liberals of the world.
        We may argue bitch and fight
        but we're still precious in his sight,
        Jesus loves the little liberals of the world.

        You can say there is no God…but then you'd have to explain why fate has such an hilarious sense of humor…..

  2. Mumbletypeg

    Rick's using the term 'suspend,' not 'end' the campaign — because God has put him on hold. I'm sure the suspendse is killing him as much as it is us.

          1. Doktor StrangeZoom

            Santorum, and Santorum, and Santorum,
            Creeps with his petty gripes from day to day,
            To the last syllable of recorded time;
            And all his frothing lies have lighted fools
            The way to blithering blogs. Out, out, brief shitstain!

  3. Failed_2_Menace

    In a perfect world, we get a new family photo today in which the girl cries while holding a vibrator that picks up the color of her blouse.

  4. friendlyskies

    Adios, Dorquemada, and thanks for all the cheap double entendres. I look forward to the National Enquirer expose about the hot gay sidepiece you'll finally allow yourself to enjoy, now that God has abandoned you anyway.

  5. HobbesEvilTwin

    Well, on the bright side the number one hit on teh Googles has changed, at least temporarily.

  6. SorosBot

    You can't just let the santorum drop right out; that will make a big mess all over the floor.

  7. ChernobylSoup

    In Ross Perot's defense, rogue bands of Jews were trying to disrupt his daughter's wedding.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    Only two to go and Mittens will have his runway clear for takeoff and crashing into the mountain.

    1. Swampgas_Man

      Someone explain to me how the hell Santorum got the message before Newt? Don't tell me that stain is actually SMARTER than the Toad?

  9. el_donaldo

    In Santorum's case, suspending the campaign just means he wants Newt to quit before he does. It's like a game of stupid, already hypnotized chicken.

  10. rickmaci

    Dare I say, what began as a frothy mix of bs well lubed with hate and fear, ended in a stinky drizzly mess.

  11. Steverino247

    I'm curious as to how much more precipitously Republican voter turn out will drop for the rest of the primary cycle. Showing up to vote for Romney? Good luck with that. This could be good news for progressive ballot props and candidates down the ticket a ways.

  12. fartknocker

    Toodaloo Cream Cup. Don't let the door or the Constitution hit you in the ass on your way home.

  13. Mojopo

    Whoopie, and then Imma party like a rock star with Nancy Pelosi as soon as the jewelry pig titty baby waddles home.

    1. Baconzgood

      *huggin missesish and wiping a tear from my eye*

      It's a great day. I'll never forget who I was with and what I first did when I heard.

      1. missemish

        *breaks open champagne* I very nearly ran out of my office and shouted about it. I still might.

    1. GOPCrusher

      In the cold, dark, side of my heart, I have to wonder if the real reason that Rick is dropping out is because he didn't get the sympathy bounce he thought he would in his home state.

    2. Steverino247

      Let us hope so. As much as I despise what her father is trying to do, his being near her can only help.

      1. mrpuma2u

        Too true, maybe they could get bombed together on novitiate wine as they watch "The Price is Right"? Oh yeah, I almost forgot. BALLS. HAIRY SWEATY BALLS.

  14. memzilla

    You mean it wasn't enough to just pray that you're gonna be Preznit? If it were me, I'd ask for my money back.

    1. tessiee

      You can't just pray; you have to give money to the church or it won't work. It's like a big ol' wishing well.

  15. SoBeach

    With no republican challengers Romney will be able to spend all that money attacking Obama.

    Oh, who am I kidding? There is no end to the money, no matter who it's being spent against.

  16. ChernobylSoup

    I see you wise folks here have avoided the old "you won't have Santorum to kick around anymore" line. That would be too easy. Simple, low hanging fruit like that is best left alone.

    1. SorosBot

      Oh, but we will; he'll be getting the newspaper columns and Fox "News" blathering spots again, because getting disgraced as a total lose once wasn't enough to prevent people from hiring him.

  17. Ducksworthy

    Rick really outdid Saint Sarah here. Rather than terminate the pregnancy he decided there was more political capital to be gained by allowing a defective fetus to be born into a world of ongoing agony and early death. This beats Down's Syndrome all to hell.

    1. tessiee

      "born into a world of ongoing agony"

      Although that *could* describe the Palin family as well as the Santorum family.

  18. JustPixelz

    I had to suspend my disbelief when he spoke, so now we're even.

    (Technically they suspend the campaign so they can continue to raise money to pay debts. Also so their delegates are not released.)

  19. CapnFatback

    I knew something was up when he took off his white sweater vest and began waving it around.

  20. littlebigdaddy

    Ricky, we hardly knew ya! (Well actually we did, like an extremely annoying family member who calls up occasionally to rant about the coloreds).

  21. VaWyo

    But he was the one I hated the most. Don't get me wrong, I hate all of them. But his was a special kind of hatred that almost cannot be described.

  22. BornInATrailer

    You know what other right wing politician had an unsuccessful first foray at the national level?

      1. Chichikovovich

        Ah, good idea. Stick to evil non-Hitler Catholics. More of a challenge.

        Juan Peron?

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      He wants to spend more time at home thinking of ways to restrict options for other families.

      1. bikerlaureate

        He wants to spend more time at home preparing a stunning response to the oppression of real American white Christians by those pesky blahs.

  23. Failed_2_Menace

    When Thomas Kinkade kicked, ol' Ricky saw the writing on the wall that Jesus Power was at ebb tide.

  24. Biff

    Perhaps now we can reclaim the rightful meaning of "blah". There is so much in this world that actually deserves to be qualified as "blah".
    Blah!

  25. Doktor StrangeZoom

    He never had much of a chance with that de-fetus attitude of his…

    (I think I have now maxed out my allowed uses of this pun)

  26. Baconzgood

    But Baconz is going to miss the punch line where Ricky gets butchered in his home state (again). Oh well God opens a window when he closes a door and what not.

    1. bikerlaureate

      This is the time to launch a big grass-roots effort to get Ricky to reconsider, and put lots and lots of grifted money into the PA primary. Just for the lulz.

    2. SenileAgitation

      Christ, is that what that banging about is? Shut the damn window, Jahweh, some of us are trying to get some shut eye in here! Jehosophat! And take your whiny douche servant Rick with you. Leave the daughters.

  27. Pat_Pending

    How convenient to pull out the old 'my defective child is sick and needs me now' card just before Pennsylvania. I couldn't hate this ass-clown more.

    1. cobweb2

      Right, at 14 billion years old, She should be able to make up Her mind. Keeping track of every sparrow, ant, grain of sand etc. on the billions of habitable planets in each of the billions of galaxies is proving too much for Her. What She needs is for the government of Arizona to step in start helping Her.

  28. Jerri

    As I said when this thing started, he's not allowed to be officially done with his campaign until they re-stage that picture. It's the only way we'll have closure.

  29. Nostrildamus

    You guys realize that, given the GOP line of succession, Brownie's now the front runner for 2016?

    1. Deportably_Jose

      Fun bit of non-humor: being a nerd, I have a lot of friends who are into indie RPGs. Apparently, one of the more popular ones out there is literally about Mormon Death Squads, during the frontier days.

      The guy who wrote it had previously gained notice with a game called "kill puppies for satan" which is about… well, you can probably figure it out honestly.

  30. BarackMyWorld

    Goodbye, easy punchlines.

    (I shouldn't feel too happy, since part of the reason he's dropping out is his youngest daughter has been really sick.)

    1. IceCreamEmpress

      I am sorry his daughter is so ill, but she was ill when he started this pointless national shitshow, and it was clear that she wasn't going to improve. My heart does go out to the family.

      1. GOPCrusher

        The part that has me really ragey, is that if Bella was anyone else's child, she more than likely would have been dead by now, and the family living in a refrigerator box in an alley because they had to sell the house and all their possessions to pay the hospital bills.
        And that fuck Santorum gets free health care for the rest of his life.

      2. BarackMyWorld

        I was referring to her recurring pneumonia, not her Trisomy 18. I apologize for the confusion.

  31. Bonghits4Jesus

    The Fundy hand-wringing is about to begin, "Oh why, oh why did we get stuck with Romney? What will we ever dooooo. He's a child of Satan!"

    1. LetUsBray

      Well, there is a candidate who's a nice, church-going Christian, family man. But he's a blah, so never mind that.

  32. UW8316154

    Rick, now do you understand how nice it is to have a choice about major events in your life?

  33. Come here a minute

    The world will little note, nor long remember Rick Santorum. But Google never forgets.

  34. Redhead

    Wasn't this dude just saying, like a week ago, that Americans needed a candidate who wouldn't quit when things got hard, or he was faced with resistance, but would just keep pushing on, and pushing on… and now Santorum's dropping out?

    Huh. Well, sounds like this story has a happy ending for someone.

  35. BornInATrailer

    I, for one, appreciate how he eased into the race, getting his hands dirty and working all over; not just diving right in to the national scene. He gradually built up momentum. And then when it was over, he gently and expeditiously (yet not too abruptly) withdrew. Because of this, the gaping hole in our hearts remained for but a moment.

  36. Naked_Bunny

    Be sure to tell Santorum supporters that they can still vote for him by writing his name over Romney's.

  37. P__Drizzle

    Now little Ricky faces the most important decision of his life…..Celebrity Apprentice or Dancing with the Stars?

  38. An_Outhouse

    Hitlery suspended her campaign too. I think she was broke so it was irrelevant what she called it – otherwise the PUMAs would be riding her ass to this day.

  39. Limeylizzie

    Barry just gave a fabulous speech, I feel my lady parts moistening up nicely, ready for November.

  40. Rayn_And

    Kind of pissed off…going to miss the narrative explaining the Pennsylvania loss to the Mittster…(I never really played hockey, but I'm sure my friends own either the Flyers or the Penguins.)

  41. SenileAgitation

    Let's hope he'll add pointless pontification from the sidelines (colored commentary) as Barack Hussein battles RoboBoy to the finish. At least Newt remains steadfast. Doesn't he?

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      Good to see the son got contacts. Shame they couldn't do anything about the ears or the thousand-yard stare.

  42. FakaktaSouth

    I can report from Santorum country that the rabble has a sad and are vowing not to vote, and exactly as I have predicted are being as arbitrary, ornery and full of hate as these particular folks relentlessly are. My crazies have reacted as badly as we could have hoped. They hate Mitt Romney even more now because he is a moderate (ever present truthaboutromney.com) in a republican establishment mask and their true Jesus-prince of Conservatism has been slain by an imposter. This is going to be interesting.

    1. PlanetWingNut

      By Santorum country you mean his facebook page….i can't almost wait to put this in their faces….

      1. FakaktaSouth

        FB sounds better than my entire state and actual people I know and live around voting for him, so yes! I probably won't say much though because they are stupid and wouldn't get my hilarious jokes anyway…

    2. Negropolis

      Yeah, well, they all said they were going to vote when that moderate(ly crazy) John McCain won the nomination, and he still turned out the crazies in an election year where he was destined to lose.

  43. Gleem McShineys

    I don't know if that's true. Headline is suggesting Rick Santorum actually has balls.

  44. cobweb2

    >>the little spitty, sneery, smegmatic Torquemadita<<
    Good start, but you could do better by referencing Barry's recent call to Ricky.

    Ricky: Why dost thou (call) me? (Show me a birth certificate, or) (I'll) know thee not.
    Barry: Fellow, I know thee.
    Ricky: What dost thou know me for?
    Barry: A knave; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, action-taking whoreson, glass-gazing, superserviceable, finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd, in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pander, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch: one whom I will beat into clamorous whining, if thou deniest the least syllable of thy addition (or presume to run against me in the up coming Presidential election).

  45. lochnessmonster

    guess who would write the laws to stop this practice…they very ones who do the same thing!

  46. tessiee

    "And now he is not quitting, per se … but is “suspending” his campaign. Is Rick Perry’s campaign still suspended? Is Herman Cain’s? Did those dudes ever actually quit?"

    Let's all just agree that he's aborting his campaign.

  47. NYNYNYjr

    Seriously, someone answer me, even if I've asked before: where does extra campaign money go when you drop out? Or are campaign's always in debt more than they have? If they suspend, does that mean they have more time with their debt? I have a feeling Perry left with extra money in the bank…what are the rules about how that is spent?

    1. Negropolis

      It can be used to pay down campaign debt or used down the road for another fun. I'm not sure it's the same with presidential campaigns, but I think you can even use the money to run for other offices (i.e. Senate, House, etc…).

  48. DemonicRage

    Run this by me again: he gets caught on tape saying something racist about Black people. Then, the next day, he says, "Oh no. I wasn't saying anything about Black people. I was talking about Blah people." And the press lets him get away with that? What kind of a universe are we living in???

  49. C_R_Eature

    Dear Rick:

    It's been fun, this Republican primary season, kicking you in the Balls but I understand you're going to take them home now. Good. Go and crawl back down into whatever disgusting graft and Jesus filled hole you crawled out of and please do never darken our collective door again. Enjoy your cushy Speaker's fees and the wonderful taxpayer-funded healthcare social safety net that's been keeping your desperately ill daughter alive. Have the courtesy not to work towards destroying our social safety nets from now on.
    Oh, and here's a tip: you probably enjoy living in the Pre-Enlightment Era in your head but there's no way in hell that we were ever going to allow you to drag the rest of the world back there. No way.
    Very Sincerely yours, CRE

  50. Negropolis

    And Santorum ended with…

    "And though I may be leaving the presidential arena, let me leave you with this: The near president is still blah. Thank you, and God bless!"

  51. ttommyunger

    Rick would do well to simply put his concession speech on tape for future reference if he plans to continue in politics. Aside from being bat-shit crazy, he is almost as unlikeable as the Newtster, and that's saying a mouthful.

  52. korn12

    is the foto with this story real or was it photoshopped? seriously, because if it's real it's one of the creepiest images i've ever seen.

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