On April 10th, Gawker announced that they had a ‘mole’ nestled in the center of Bullshit Mountain known as Fox News. Getting a job at Fox News isn’t exactly easy, and the new hire process is rather unorthodox and was thought to weed out moles. When Gawker secretly told the world of its newly found treasure, Fox released the hounds and claimed to have found the spy within 24 hours. The ‘Fox Mole’ isn’t new to the scene. This is a person who has been there for years, and ‘his’ story reveals more than just white pointed hats and O’Reilly’s sex parties.
I always intended to keep my mouth shut. The plan was simple: get hired, keep my head down and my views to myself, work for a few months, build my resume, then eventually hop to a new job that didn’t make me cringe every morning when I looked in the mirror.
Yeah, didn’t happen. Gawker’s mole has been in the Fox trenches long enough to have seen some hard hitting walrus grooming, ‘Mitt to be tied’ and also uncovered never before seen footage of a younger, kinder and gentler Billy O’Reilly. ‘He’ has walked through the valley of the shadow of death and has feared no evil, but when Fox went after hip-hop and BBQ in one swipe, something inside the mole snapped.
When the subject of hip hop BBQ came to light the mole knew time had run out and it was time to consider unleashing a hearty dose of ‘fire in the mole.’ The Fox employee turned to Gawker, which practiced excellent restraint by waiting minutes before announcing possession of a real live Fox turncoat.
Our Mole compares ‘himself’ to John McClane, the main character in the ‘Die Hard’ films. This comparison sent Fox hot on the trail of the mole and the search for a man hiding in an HVAC duct turned up nothing. There were no apparent signs of fighting with Alan Rickman anywhere in the building. Bugs were planted throughout the building hoping to pick up on the mole yelling out, “Yippee ki yay, motherfucker!”, but no such luck. There was only one thing left for investigators to do. Utilizing the Fox News playbook, investigators used a classic move of pointing the finger at a person who has not done anything wrong.
A Fox spokesperson announced today, “We found the person and we’re exploring legal options at this time.” Fox is now poised and ready to rid themselves of the wrong person and continue to house the mole who is handing Fox its ass every morning. The mole has proudly announced ‘he’ is still free and ready to throw down some serious shit talk.