stuporman vs. the mole people

Whack-A-Mole: Who Will Rid Rupert Murdoch Of This Turbulent Pest?

Wendi Deng before her morning makeupOn April 10th, Gawker announced that they had a ‘mole’ nestled in the center of Bullshit Mountain known as Fox News. Getting a job at Fox News isn’t exactly easy, and the new hire process is rather unorthodox and was thought to weed out moles. When Gawker secretly told the world of its newly found treasure, Fox released the hounds and claimed to have found the spy within 24 hours. The ‘Fox Mole’ isn’t new to the scene. This is a person who has been there for years, and ‘his’ story reveals more than just white pointed hats and O’Reilly’s sex parties.

I always intended to keep my mouth shut. The plan was simple: get hired, keep my head down and my views to myself, work for a few months, build my resume, then eventually hop to a new job that didn’t make me cringe every morning when I looked in the mirror.

Yeah, didn’t happen. Gawker’s mole has been in the Fox trenches long enough to have seen some hard hitting walrus grooming, ‘Mitt to be tied’ and also uncovered never before seen footage of a younger, kinder and gentler Billy O’Reilly. ‘He’ has walked through the valley of the shadow of death and has feared no evil, but when Fox went after hip-hop and BBQ in one swipe, something inside the mole snapped.

When the subject of hip hop BBQ came to light the mole knew time had run out and it was time to consider unleashing a hearty dose of ‘fire in the mole.’ The Fox employee turned to Gawker, which practiced excellent restraint by waiting minutes before announcing possession of a real live Fox turncoat.

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Our Mole compares ‘himself’ to John McClane, the main character in the ‘Die Hard’ films. This comparison sent Fox hot on the trail of the mole and the search for a man hiding in an HVAC duct turned up nothing. There were no apparent signs of fighting with Alan Rickman anywhere in the building. Bugs were planted throughout the building hoping to pick up on the mole yelling out, “Yippee ki yay, motherfucker!”, but no such luck. There was only one thing left for investigators to do. Utilizing the Fox News playbook, investigators used a classic move of pointing the finger at a person who has not done anything wrong.

A Fox spokesperson announced today, “We found the person and we’re exploring legal options at this time.” Fox is now poised and ready to rid themselves of the wrong person and continue to house the mole who is handing Fox its ass every morning. The mole has proudly announced ‘he’ is still free and ready to throw down some serious shit talk.

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About the author

Erik Jay is currently unemployed, but has a history of managing various motels and quitting customer service jobs on day 1. He still feels accomplished graduating from a continuation high school in 1989.

View all articles by Erik Jay

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130 comments

  1. nounverb911

    "Who Will Rid Rupert Murdoch Of This Turbulent Pest?"
    Sarah Palin in a helicopter with an AK-47?

  2. I_P

    This has got to be driving noted control freak fartbag Ailes around the bend. And that's a good thing.

  3. Hera Sent Me

    Rudolph Hess flew to Scotland in a vain attempt to save Hitler from himself. Hess wound up a "suicide" hanging from an electrical cord, at the age of 93.

    I'd advise today's modern day Hess to read some history books and sleep with one eye open.

  4. OneYieldRegular

    What a convenient excuse for trotting out my favorite horror film title: "The Mole Men Want Your Eyes."

  5. bumfug

    Yeah, they "found the mole". Like there's only one disgusted employee in Fox's little journalistic cave of horrors.

  6. Antispandex

    They could have discovered him with a simple I.Q. test. Et voila! Anyone over a score of 80 at Fox News is the mole.

  7. Mumbletypeg

    I'm laughing at the photo still b/c I just saw that movie "The Mole People" on one of the hack non-cable conciliatory TV channels. THe funniest part was the pretty lady running through the dark yet strangely illuminated; clearly the actress so unaccustomed to exerting herself that her hands flailed helplessly on limp wrists, more alien-like than the mole creatures themselves.

  8. bureaucrap

    I smell Pulitzer… oh wait, that's just my tupperware lunch container. Better wash it.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      He can't be the mole — the moron laughs at his own lame one-liners. He's not clever enough to pull a quarter out of a kid's ear.

  9. Not_So_Much

    Yeesh, this poor fucker has to have seen some shit that will never leave their dreams…

  10. ulTIMum

    Often misquoted. What Henry really said was "Bend it like Becket." The knights misunderstood. Anyway, the Archbishop's problem was that he wasn't a mole.

  11. widestanceromance

    So, Gawker had/has an actual mole in Mordor and they could not contain their self-satisfied smugness long enough to both get good dirt and preserve the mole for future use?

    Why am I not surprised?

  12. anniegetyerfun

    Did we just get a play-by-play of what has been happening at Gawker for the past 24 hours or so? Thrilling.

  13. UnholyMoses

    Holy fucking shit this is going to be the most awesomest thing ever …

    **grabs popcorn**

  14. SayItWithWookies

    The mole should be pretty easy to spot at FOX — just stop anyone who's not leaving a trail of slime behind him.

      1. elviouslyqueer

        Well, I was going to be uncharitable and say it was Sean Hannity's girlfriend. Only I remembered that the only commitment Hannity's been able to sustain is with his right hand.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Only because his right hand can't get away. It's been begging the left hand for help, though…

    1. SayItWithWookies

      One of the alligator clips must've come off. The electrician'll have her back to her usual jolt-of-ignorance expression in a jiffy.

  15. CogitoErgoBibo

    In case it's hard to make out, this is a bathroom stall with a gap between the edge of the stall and the wall that's so big that it has toilet paper draped over it for a modicum of privacy…If you were to wander up there, the only thing separating you from watching Bill O'Reilly take a dump is a slight breeze displacing a couple strands of cheap single-ply.

    Wow. I suspected that working for FOX would be awful and soul-crushing. This? Whole new levels of ick.

  16. Deportably_Jose

    Fox released the hounds and claimed to have found the spy within 24 hours.

    Well, duh. Everyone at Fox knows that you have to find the spy within 24 hours, whilst also unfolding the larger conspiracy and also the conspiracy within the conspiracy, and legitimizing the use of torture at least three times. That last one isn't usually a problem for them, admittedly.

  17. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So very smart of Gawker, to release this while O'Reilly is out and cannot command the FOX Police!

  18. UnholyMoses

    For those who haven't, you really need to go over to Gawker and read the three (four?) posts by this person.

    Put it this way:

    If what s/he claims is true, and is only a VERY small tip of a VERY large iceberg of the level of suck going on over there, everything bad ever said or written about Fox, no matter how mean spirited or ugly, isn't true … because, no matter how mean spirited or ugly it was, it was still entirely too charitable.

  19. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    It will turn out to be Sean Hannity, who has just been playing a crazy, insane ideologue as part of his going deep cover. They had to get rid of Allan Colmes as he was starting to figure out that no one could be that stupid and wrong all the time.

  20. actor212

    A Fox spokesperson announced today, “We found the person and we’re exploring legal options at this time.”

    It's nice to see that Baghdad Bob landed on his feet.

    1. CogitoErgoBibo

      She participates in dressage, too. Dirrrrty! And don't even get me started on Mitt's love of Missouri foxtrotters. I am positive that's a euphamism for orgies or something.

  21. YasserArraFeck

    Time to exercise the "waterboarding clause", buried in the fine print of every Fux News employees contract.

  22. DalePues

    Holy Kamoley!

    News Corp, International Crime Syndicate, specializing in bribery, extortion, blackmail, wiretapping, eavesdropping, propaganda and using spoiled mayonaisse on banana sandwiches, under legal scrutiny in the U.K. and Australia, may have finally met its match: a subterrenean rodent.

  23. donner_froh

    The basement newsroom is dreary, with no windows, fluorescent lighting, and constant worrying about an infestation from bedbugs, mice or some other vermin

    Other vermin like those they put on he air every day.

  24. SorosBot

    Reports are the left-wing mole at Fox is actually an eight-year-old girl, and goes by the code name of "Sisa Limpson".

    1. Callyson

      Glad to hear they caught the bastard. Thanks for the update. Here's hoping there will be some justice in the courtroom for a change…

  25. Naked_Bunny

    we’re exploring legal options at this time

    Yeah. You want to make sure this story periodically shows up on the front page of every newspaper and the top of the hour of every news TV show for years as it is dragged through court.

    1. elgin_pelican

      Considering Murdoch's recent escapades in the court system, exploring legal options is sort of a full-time gig.

  26. valthemus

    Those sillies at Fox "News"! Haven't their executives figured out that half the staff is Facebook friends with Media Matters? That's what they get for canceling casual Friday.

  27. mormos

    Hey Romney and I have something in common, we both ride horses. Or rather I used to ride horses because no one in this state teaches English worth a damn. I rode hunter-jumper. Unlike Romney, all I ever owned was my saddle. I'm too poor to own a horse, or even afford lessons, I used to work at the stables to pay for them. I started when I was 12 years old cleaning up after horses and fixing fences. Something tells me he's never worked a show, or hauled bales of alfalfa, or broke a hotblood, or done an honest days work in his life. I wonder if Romney even brushes down his own horse after ridding.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      I wonder if Romney even brushes down his own horse after riding.

      Naaaahh, he just straps it to the top of one of Ann's Cadillacs, hits the road and lets the wind do it for him.

    2. lulzmonger

      Sure, okay, he may not have done any of that stuff … but when it comes to shovelling shit?

      Willard is Teh Champ!

  28. sullivanst

    So, about those cult-of-personality posters in the FNC lobby (last image in the mole's second missive)…

    "POWER PROSPER"

    Uh, WTF? Creepy dictatorish stuff.

  29. WinterOuthouse

    Rupert was quoted, "Tell the mole to fuck and blow me. I'm going to save my company." John Mack errr Rupert Murdoch

  30. ttommyunger

    I know I'm supposed to cheer or something, but I just don't give a fuck about Faux News, good, bad or indifferent.

  31. lulzmonger

    The real scandal here is that Gawker gets its own "Deep Throat" inside NewsCorp … & it takes them a whole two days & change to fuck it up by instantly posting useless shite like Hannity gossiping with Romney about ties & horses, or how grim the cans at FOX HQ are.

    This guy probably could've been the source of a beautiful scoop on exactly what kind of a nest of fucking vipers that place is – or several scoops if he'd had the brains to lay low long enough – but the clueless hipster fuckwits at Gawker burned it down in less than a week.

    *****ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: FUCKING THE POOCH*****

  32. DahBoner

    Under the new Supreme Court implementation of Obamacare, if you get arrested and strip searched, you are allowed to ask the nice policeman to check that mole, as long as he is in there with a flashlight…

  33. msrhpvt

    I read the latest from the 'mole'. Mostly bitching about workplace conditions. A new bathroom but poorly installed partitions? That's some serious behind the scenes right wing conspiracy juicy stuff!

    I think they did get him. Too bad, Hey Gawker: nice work exposing him before he could dig up something real.

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