STUPORMAN VS. THE MOLE PEOPLE  4:47 pm April 11, 2012

Whack-A-Mole: Who Will Rid Rupert Murdoch Of This Turbulent Pest?

by Erik Jay

Wendi Deng before her morning makeupOn April 10th, Gawker announced that they had a ‘mole’ nestled in the center of Bullshit Mountain known as Fox News. Getting a job at Fox News isn’t exactly easy, and the new hire process is rather unorthodox and was thought to weed out moles. When Gawker secretly told the world of its newly found treasure, Fox released the hounds and claimed to have found the spy within 24 hours. The ‘Fox Mole’ isn’t new to the scene. This is a person who has been there for years, and ‘his’ story reveals more than just white pointed hats and O’Reilly’s sex parties.

I always intended to keep my mouth shut. The plan was simple: get hired, keep my head down and my views to myself, work for a few months, build my resume, then eventually hop to a new job that didn’t make me cringe every morning when I looked in the mirror.

Yeah, didn’t happen. Gawker’s mole has been in the Fox trenches long enough to have seen some hard hitting walrus grooming, ‘Mitt to be tied’ and also uncovered never before seen footage of a younger, kinder and gentler Billy O’Reilly. ‘He’ has walked through the valley of the shadow of death and has feared no evil, but when Fox went after hip-hop and BBQ in one swipe, something inside the mole snapped.

When the subject of hip hop BBQ came to light the mole knew time had run out and it was time to consider unleashing a hearty dose of ‘fire in the mole.’ The Fox employee turned to Gawker, which practiced excellent restraint by waiting minutes before announcing possession of a real live Fox turncoat.

Our Mole compares ‘himself’ to John McClane, the main character in the ‘Die Hard’ films. This comparison sent Fox hot on the trail of the mole and the search for a man hiding in an HVAC duct turned up nothing. There were no apparent signs of fighting with Alan Rickman anywhere in the building. Bugs were planted throughout the building hoping to pick up on the mole yelling out, “Yippee ki yay, motherfucker!”, but no such luck. There was only one thing left for investigators to do. Utilizing the Fox News playbook, investigators used a classic move of pointing the finger at a person who has not done anything wrong.

A Fox spokesperson announced today, “We found the person and we’re exploring legal options at this time.” Fox is now poised and ready to rid themselves of the wrong person and continue to house the mole who is handing Fox its ass every morning. The mole has proudly announced ‘he’ is still free and ready to throw down some serious shit talk.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 130 comments }

nounverb911 April 11, 2012 at 4:49 pm

"Who Will Rid Rupert Murdoch Of This Turbulent Pest?"
Rick "Frothy Tush" Santorum?

nounverb911 April 11, 2012 at 4:51 pm

"Who Will Rid Rupert Murdoch Of This Turbulent Pest?"
Sarah Palin in a helicopter with an AK-47?

Barb April 11, 2012 at 4:52 pm

First the gerbil up Bill-O's ass and now a mole too?

Jus_Wonderin April 11, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Poor, poor gerbil. Sadness and woe. I will pray for our furry friend.

nedbeaumontjr April 11, 2012 at 5:35 pm

First time I've heard a gerbil called a mole.

Barb April 11, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Huh?

nedbeaumontjr April 11, 2012 at 5:54 pm

I think the Bill-O gerbil is the mole. It all fits!

ifthethunderdontgetya April 11, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Did you know Thers has been mocking engineer humor, N.B.?
~

tcaalaw April 11, 2012 at 11:07 pm

Anal rodent libel!

DahBoner April 12, 2012 at 8:00 am

But is the mole an 80-proof Communist?

ManchuCandidate April 11, 2012 at 4:54 pm

I blame the Never Nude Analrapist who blues himself and is known by the code name Mr F.

littlebigdaddy April 11, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Here's an idea: hack everyone's voice mail.

Pragmatist2 April 11, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Too late. They are already doing that.

Schmannnity April 11, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Best to leave moles alone. They can become cancerous.

Come here a minute April 11, 2012 at 4:56 pm

"The Fox and the Mole" was my favorite Disney animated feature.

I_P April 11, 2012 at 4:56 pm

This has got to be driving noted control freak fartbag Ailes around the bend. And that's a good thing.

metamarcisf April 11, 2012 at 4:56 pm

How do they know they have the right man/mole? Simply remove his shoes.

Radio福井県 April 11, 2012 at 4:57 pm

OK, since both sides do it, who's the mole in here?

BornInATrailer April 11, 2012 at 5:04 pm

I'm the mole and so's my wife!

UnholyMoses April 11, 2012 at 5:13 pm
Radio福井県 April 11, 2012 at 5:25 pm

That's why we in the doctor biz call them "nevi."

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 5:15 pm

I'm more a vole.

(Or mole a vore)

Biel_ze_Bubba April 12, 2012 at 7:32 am

Don't moleavores eat moles? Call Ailes – he may have a job for you.

CogitoErgoBibo April 11, 2012 at 5:34 pm

And so begins yet another "I am Spartacus" moment.

Naked_Bunny April 11, 2012 at 5:47 pm

I'm not a mole, but some of my best friends are!

doloras April 11, 2012 at 9:21 pm
Hera Sent Me April 11, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Rudolph Hess flew to Scotland in a vain attempt to save Hitler from himself. Hess wound up a "suicide" hanging from an electrical cord, at the age of 93.

I'd advise today's modern day Hess to read some history books and sleep with one eye open.

OneYieldRegular April 11, 2012 at 4:59 pm

What a convenient excuse for trotting out my favorite horror film title: "The Mole Men Want Your Eyes."

coolhandnuke April 11, 2012 at 4:59 pm

A fox in the chickenhawk coop…McNuggets for all my friends.

bumfug April 11, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Yeah, they "found the mole". Like there's only one disgusted employee in Fox's little journalistic cave of horrors.

Blueb4sunrise April 11, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Is it that guy that isn't always completely batshit crazy?

SorosBot April 11, 2012 at 5:01 pm

So now NewsCorp is the one being spied on? How does your own medicine taste now, Rupert?

Antispandex April 11, 2012 at 5:01 pm

They could have discovered him with a simple I.Q. test. Et voila! Anyone over a score of 80 at Fox News is the mole.

Mumbletypeg April 11, 2012 at 5:02 pm

I'm laughing at the photo still b/c I just saw that movie "The Mole People" on one of the hack non-cable conciliatory TV channels. THe funniest part was the pretty lady running through the dark yet strangely illuminated; clearly the actress so unaccustomed to exerting herself that her hands flailed helplessly on limp wrists, more alien-like than the mole creatures themselves.

FakaktaSouth April 11, 2012 at 5:02 pm

It's okay Shep Smith, come on out baby (in every way)! I'll protect you!!!

deanbooth April 11, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Hmmm. I'm guesing Liz Farkas.

bureaucrap April 11, 2012 at 5:03 pm

I smell Pulitzer… oh wait, that's just my tupperware lunch container. Better wash it.

Radio福井県 April 11, 2012 at 5:04 pm

I'm going with Stuart Varney.

SayItWithWookies April 11, 2012 at 5:21 pm

He can't be the mole — the moron laughs at his own lame one-liners. He's not clever enough to pull a quarter out of a kid's ear.

Radio福井県 April 11, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Like everything else though, he would blame it on Obama.

Not_So_Much April 11, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Yeesh, this poor fucker has to have seen some shit that will never leave their dreams…

ulTIMum April 11, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Often misquoted. What Henry really said was "Bend it like Becket." The knights misunderstood. Anyway, the Archbishop's problem was that he wasn't a mole.

widestanceromance April 11, 2012 at 5:05 pm

So, Gawker had/has an actual mole in Mordor and they could not contain their self-satisfied smugness long enough to both get good dirt and preserve the mole for future use?

Why am I not surprised?

ifthethunderdontgetya April 11, 2012 at 5:07 pm

A Fox spokesperson announced today, “We found the person and we’re exploring legal options at this time.”

Wait a minute here, a person? Shouldn't they be looking for hot sauce?
~

Pop_Socket April 11, 2012 at 5:07 pm

"The call is coming from inside the house."

OneYieldRegular April 11, 2012 at 5:10 pm

"I saw what you did and I know who you are."

anniegetyerfun April 11, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Did we just get a play-by-play of what has been happening at Gawker for the past 24 hours or so? Thrilling.

widestanceromance April 11, 2012 at 5:25 pm

This is Pawlenty-level excitement!

UnholyMoses April 11, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Holy fucking shit this is going to be the most awesomest thing ever …

**grabs popcorn**

LesBontemps April 11, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Is it Leni Riefenstahl?

Generation[redacted] April 11, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Triumph of the Mole?

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 11, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Too much talent to work at FOX, not pure enough ideologically.

YasserArraFeck April 11, 2012 at 5:09 pm

And I thought Richard Gere and the gerbil was strange……

Doktor StrangeZoom April 11, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Erik's writing is a lot more lucid this week.

imissopus April 11, 2012 at 5:47 pm

I know, I could totally follow this all the way from beginning to end.

SayItWithWookies April 11, 2012 at 5:10 pm

The mole should be pretty easy to spot at FOX — just stop anyone who's not leaving a trail of slime behind him.

elviouslyqueer April 11, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Man, Gretchen Carlson looks like shit. I really pity her stylist.

LesBontemps April 11, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Are you sure that's not Megyn Kelly?

elviouslyqueer April 11, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Well, I was going to be uncharitable and say it was Sean Hannity's girlfriend. Only I remembered that the only commitment Hannity's been able to sustain is with his right hand.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 12, 2012 at 8:09 am

Only because his right hand can't get away. It's been begging the left hand for help, though…

SayItWithWookies April 11, 2012 at 5:23 pm

One of the alligator clips must've come off. The electrician'll have her back to her usual jolt-of-ignorance expression in a jiffy.

ProgressiveInga April 11, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Smart money is on the The Mole being either a blah or a caterpillar.

Sassomatic April 11, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Pics of Coulter's penis of GTFO.

hagajim April 11, 2012 at 5:12 pm

I wonder if the mole got Billo his loofah.

CogitoErgoBibo April 11, 2012 at 5:12 pm

In case it's hard to make out, this is a bathroom stall with a gap between the edge of the stall and the wall that's so big that it has toilet paper draped over it for a modicum of privacy…If you were to wander up there, the only thing separating you from watching Bill O'Reilly take a dump is a slight breeze displacing a couple strands of cheap single-ply.

Wow. I suspected that working for FOX would be awful and soul-crushing. This? Whole new levels of ick.

littlebigdaddy April 11, 2012 at 5:14 pm

What, they can't bother to put in an ACTUAL glory hole?

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Charmin or GTFO

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 11, 2012 at 5:20 pm

I thought O'reilly took all his dumps on the air.

Generation[redacted] April 11, 2012 at 5:32 pm

FINE! I'LL DO IT LIVE!

Guppy April 11, 2012 at 5:38 pm

This is what happens when you insist on non-union labor to build your headquarters.

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Great! Now where will I get my Megyn Kelly upskirt pics????

Deportably_Jose April 11, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Fox released the hounds and claimed to have found the spy within 24 hours.

Well, duh. Everyone at Fox knows that you have to find the spy within 24 hours, whilst also unfolding the larger conspiracy and also the conspiracy within the conspiracy, and legitimizing the use of torture at least three times. That last one isn't usually a problem for them, admittedly.

littlebigdaddy April 11, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Needz moar Jack Bauer interrogation kits!

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 11, 2012 at 5:16 pm

So very smart of Gawker, to release this while O'Reilly is out and cannot command the FOX Police!

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 11, 2012 at 5:16 pm

My money is on Shepard Smith? Any takers?

UnholyMoses April 11, 2012 at 5:17 pm

For those who haven't, you really need to go over to Gawker and read the three (four?) posts by this person.

Put it this way:

If what s/he claims is true, and is only a VERY small tip of a VERY large iceberg of the level of suck going on over there, everything bad ever said or written about Fox, no matter how mean spirited or ugly, isn't true … because, no matter how mean spirited or ugly it was, it was still entirely too charitable.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 11, 2012 at 5:19 pm

It will turn out to be Sean Hannity, who has just been playing a crazy, insane ideologue as part of his going deep cover. They had to get rid of Allan Colmes as he was starting to figure out that no one could be that stupid and wrong all the time.

OneYieldRegular April 11, 2012 at 5:25 pm

I'm sure it's Hannity. Rupert, trust me on this one, okay?

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 5:19 pm

A Fox spokesperson announced today, “We found the person and we’re exploring legal options at this time.”

It's nice to see that Baghdad Bob landed on his feet.

Generation[redacted] April 11, 2012 at 5:35 pm

"No Gawker mole will ever penetrate Fox. Never!"

ChurchofRealism April 11, 2012 at 11:25 pm

We will grill their stomachs in hell and grind the bones of their children into dust.

littlebigdaddy April 11, 2012 at 5:20 pm

You know who *else* had moles in his organization?

Geminisunmars April 11, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Julius Caesar?

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 5:24 pm
OneYieldRegular April 11, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Honeybadger?

MissTaken April 11, 2012 at 5:26 pm
SayItWithWookies April 11, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Mister MacGregor?

Deportably_Jose April 11, 2012 at 5:31 pm

The owner of the Food Network en Español?

ifthethunderdontgetya April 11, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Carl Spackler?

(Moles, gophers…they're all varmints!)
~

imissopus April 11, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Goldmember?

Doktor StrangeZoom April 11, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Mr. Toad?

Deportably_Jose April 11, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Enrique Iglesias?

Nostrildamus April 11, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Richard Gere?

ProgressiveInga April 11, 2012 at 9:57 pm

I think that was a hamster.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 11, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Kim Possible?

Steverino247 April 11, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Willard? No, that was rats. Damn!

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 11, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Marilyn Monroe?

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 5:22 pm

This just in….Catherine The Great Ann Romney fucks likes "Austrian Warmbloods"

Deportably_Jose April 11, 2012 at 5:24 pm

You know who else liked Austrian Warmbloods?

actor212 April 11, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Ahnuld?

CogitoErgoBibo April 11, 2012 at 5:27 pm

She participates in dressage, too. Dirrrrty! And don't even get me started on Mitt's love of Missouri foxtrotters. I am positive that's a euphamism for orgies or something.

YasserArraFeck April 11, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Time to exercise the "waterboarding clause", buried in the fine print of every Fux News employees contract.

DalePues April 11, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Holy Kamoley!

News Corp, International Crime Syndicate, specializing in bribery, extortion, blackmail, wiretapping, eavesdropping, propaganda and using spoiled mayonaisse on banana sandwiches, under legal scrutiny in the U.K. and Australia, may have finally met its match: a subterrenean rodent.

donner_froh April 11, 2012 at 5:26 pm

The basement newsroom is dreary, with no windows, fluorescent lighting, and constant worrying about an infestation from bedbugs, mice or some other vermin

Other vermin like those they put on he air every day.

BklynIlluminati April 11, 2012 at 5:29 pm

I regret that we have just one mole to give!

SorosBot April 11, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Reports are the left-wing mole at Fox is actually an eight-year-old girl, and goes by the code name of "Sisa Limpson".

owhatever April 11, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Holy Cow, it was Hannity!

Guppy April 11, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Fox News has a hard time lately avoiding being the news.

MissTaken April 11, 2012 at 5:44 pm

OT – George Zimmerman is in custody and will be charged with 2nd degree murder
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/

Callyson April 11, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Glad to hear they caught the bastard. Thanks for the update. Here's hoping there will be some justice in the courtroom for a change…

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 11, 2012 at 6:16 pm

This is all Malcom X's fault!

chascates April 11, 2012 at 5:50 pm

That is one mole that should be seen by a doctor.

Naked_Bunny April 11, 2012 at 5:50 pm

we’re exploring legal options at this time

Yeah. You want to make sure this story periodically shows up on the front page of every newspaper and the top of the hour of every news TV show for years as it is dragged through court.

elgin_pelican April 12, 2012 at 9:58 am

Considering Murdoch's recent escapades in the court system, exploring legal options is sort of a full-time gig.

valthemus April 11, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Those sillies at Fox "News"! Haven't their executives figured out that half the staff is Facebook friends with Media Matters? That's what they get for canceling casual Friday.

Nostrildamus April 11, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Everyone at Fox is just hangin' w/ BillO on the can.
I feel a song coming on up out.

mormos April 11, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Hey Romney and I have something in common, we both ride horses. Or rather I used to ride horses because no one in this state teaches English worth a damn. I rode hunter-jumper. Unlike Romney, all I ever owned was my saddle. I'm too poor to own a horse, or even afford lessons, I used to work at the stables to pay for them. I started when I was 12 years old cleaning up after horses and fixing fences. Something tells me he's never worked a show, or hauled bales of alfalfa, or broke a hotblood, or done an honest days work in his life. I wonder if Romney even brushes down his own horse after ridding.

Wile E. Quixote April 12, 2012 at 1:33 am

I wonder if Romney even brushes down his own horse after riding.

Naaaahh, he just straps it to the top of one of Ann's Cadillacs, hits the road and lets the wind do it for him.

lulzmonger April 12, 2012 at 2:37 am

Sure, okay, he may not have done any of that stuff … but when it comes to shovelling shit?

Willard is Teh Champ!

sullivanst April 11, 2012 at 7:18 pm

So, about those cult-of-personality posters in the FNC lobby (last image in the mole's second missive)…

"POWER PROSPER"

Uh, WTF? Creepy dictatorish stuff.

George Spelvin April 11, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Needz moar naked mole rat

meatpuppet2 April 11, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Just give everyone polygraphs and look for the one telling the truth.

WinterOuthouse April 11, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Rupert was quoted, "Tell the mole to fuck and blow me. I'm going to save my company." John Mack errr Rupert Murdoch

ttommyunger April 11, 2012 at 11:13 pm

I know I'm supposed to cheer or something, but I just don't give a fuck about Faux News, good, bad or indifferent.

mrblifil April 12, 2012 at 12:30 am

FIrst place I would check are the morgues.

lulzmonger April 12, 2012 at 2:45 am

The real scandal here is that Gawker gets its own "Deep Throat" inside NewsCorp … & it takes them a whole two days & change to fuck it up by instantly posting useless shite like Hannity gossiping with Romney about ties & horses, or how grim the cans at FOX HQ are.

This guy probably could've been the source of a beautiful scoop on exactly what kind of a nest of fucking vipers that place is – or several scoops if he'd had the brains to lay low long enough – but the clueless hipster fuckwits at Gawker burned it down in less than a week.

*****ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: FUCKING THE POOCH*****

DahBoner April 12, 2012 at 7:55 am

Under the new Supreme Court implementation of Obamacare, if you get arrested and strip searched, you are allowed to ask the nice policeman to check that mole, as long as he is in there with a flashlight…

swordfis April 12, 2012 at 10:11 am

Excellent Thomas Becket reference.

msrhpvt April 12, 2012 at 11:19 am

I read the latest from the 'mole'. Mostly bitching about workplace conditions. A new bathroom but poorly installed partitions? That's some serious behind the scenes right wing conspiracy juicy stuff!

I think they did get him. Too bad, Hey Gawker: nice work exposing him before he could dig up something real.

nedbeaumontjr April 11, 2012 at 6:19 pm

He can drive his own damned locomotive.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: