Burn themSo let’s see what did Ozzie Guillen say about ruthless bloodthirsty dictator Fidel Castro? That he should execute more people and have more political prisoners, right? And that Miami Cubans are bullshit? Something like that? Let’s have a look!

Usually defiant in the face of criticism, Guillen has instead sounded remorseful and said he’s had difficulty sleeping since a Time magazine online story that ran Friday quoted him as saying, “I love Fidel Castro.”
Later in the story he added, “I respect Fidel Castro. You know why? A lot of people have wanted to kill Fidel Castro for the last 60 years, but that (expletive) is still here.”

Really? That’s it? And he has been suspended for five games because that is the same as loving Hitler? Well … huh.

Your editrix was once a 27-year-old bleach blonde being plied with cocaine by old Frenchmen in Los Angeles time machine French restaurant Taix, when she started in a-chatting with two sharp-suited Afro-Cubans who in turn immediately started in with how Castro kills you if you don’t vote for him. She was pleasantly surprised to hear that Castro even bothered with elections, and said she thought that sounded terribly democratic of him, and then they huffed off all butthurt because she was kind of being a disingenuous (but hilarious!) dick. Then the Salvardorean bartender leaned over and murmured “Miami Cubans are bullshit,” and bought her a strawberry margarita. And then he bought her another.

Anyway, viva Fidel! And he will, because as the CIA and the Bacardi family know, that old fucker just cannot be killed! [USAToday]

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  • Bet Ozzie wishes he was back in Chicago now!

    • boobookitteh

      In the same interview he apparently said that it was easier to get animal blood for his Santeria rites in Chicago. In Florida, he's had to kill his own animals.

      An interesting, if slightly o/t, tidbit.

      • This doesn't surprise me in the slightest. There are markets where you can get fresh killed poultry. Near where I live there are Muslim places where they practice halal butchery. There are places further south of me that are Hispanic and rumour has always been that they are Santeria oriented. We have avoided those.

        • boobookitteh

          That makes sense. Although, obviously, as a cat, I have strong ant- animal sacrifice opinions.

          • unless it is fish or chicken, no doubt.

    • Kenny Williams is beside himself with schadenfreude and relief that this is no longer his problem.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Remember the Maine!

    • nounverb911

      Is that where the Mexicans beat up the Texicans?

    • Steverino247

      Yeah. No smoking in the powder magazine!

      • V572 Hogan Gidley

        It's a pity when Darwinism takes innocent victims and causes wars, isn't it?

        • Advn2rgirl

          That wasn't Darwin; that was William Randolph Hearst.

          • V572 Hogan Gidley

            Or Charles Foster Kane.

          • Hosebud

        • Steverino247

          Well, on the bright side, it freed the Cubans from the Spaniards, sold a lot of newspapers, helped TR win the Presidency, ultimately provided thousands of prostitutes for our sailors in Subic Bay and allowed MacArthur to return. Not bad for a stray match in a powder magazine.

          • LibrulEleet

            I think TR had a lot more help from Leon Czolgosz.

  • nounverb911

    Ozzie saying something odd? Nothing new here.

  • friendlyskies

    That'll teach him to exercise freedom of speech in Florida.

    • sullivanst

      Not the only thing he'll have to be careful about in Florida.

    • Oblios_Cap

      The Exile's are more rabid than your normal GOPers.

      • SoBeach

        I'm pretty sure there's a state law that says you have to angrily spit on the floor any time you say the word "Castro".

  • When my manager goes to the bullpen, I demand he know the geopolitical vagaries of the carribean that are acceptable to our fanbase.

    • That is the job description, in Miami, and part of the reason Ozzie got hired.

      Helps to know something about the areas of the world that are supplying a not-insignificant proportion of baseball's talent, also.

  • Come here a minute


    • V572 Hogan Gidley

      Mr Zimmerman of Hibbing on this topic:

      Well, I couldn't leave unless the old man chased me out
      'Cause I'd already promised that I'd milk his cows
      I had to say something to strike him very weird
      So I yelled: "I like Fidel Castro and his beard"
      Rita looked offended, but she got out of the way
      As he came charging down the stairs Sayin', "What's that I heard you say?"

      I said, "I like Fidel Castro! I think you heard me right"
      And I ducked as he swung At me with all his might
      Rita mumbled something 'Bout her mother on the hill
      As his fist hit the icebox He said he's going to kill
      me If I don't get out of the door In two seconds flat
      "Your unpatriotic Rotten doctor Commie rat".

      Which was probably what you were referring to.

  • Barb

    Are we allowed to say we are fans of Fidel's brother, Jeb? Once he learned his brother was stepping down he turned his raft around and went back to Cuba.

  • Barb

    Baseball has not been berry berry good to Ozzie Guillen.

    • LesBontemps

      Goddammit, Barb!

    • Baseball has been excellent to Ozzie Guillen, it is his goddamned mouth that keeps throwing him under the bus.

      • miss_grundy

        Thank you, I agree. Saying something nice about Castro can be dangerous to your health and for good reason. Life in Cuba isn't paradise, folks. If you think your neighbors keep an eye on you to talk about you, it is worse in Cuba, 'cause your neighbor belongs to the Commie Watch block and reports your actions to the state. Imagine living like that. And having to watch everything you say. We wouldn't be able to have as much fun as we are having here. Ozzie will have to learn to watch his words unless he wants a Cuban or a Cracker to kick his butt!

  • LesBontemps

    Beisbol been berry berry bad to him (this week).

  • Baconzgood


  • SorosBot

    Of course if he said something nice about actual war criminals like George Bush and Dick Cheney people would be praising him.

  • I feel dumber knowing all parties involved…
    MLB-Bud Selig, the dumbass who moved his team from one of the toughest divisions in the MLB to one of the weakest
    The Miami Marlins-who lied their asses off to get their bajillion dollar ballpark taxpayer financed and will hopefully (but probably not) be on the end of an SEC pitchforking
    Cuban Americanos-who voted the politicians in who got fleeced by the Marlins, but also still love the memory of a tinpot banana dictator who is literally the definition of corruption.
    Ozzie Guilen- a crazy ass manager who shoots his mouth off without thinking and his family is even worse (I see you Olney.)

    • LesBontemps

      Calle Ocho ain't called "Little Havana" for nuthin, yanno.

    • V572 Hogan Gidley

      My grandfather owned a whorehouse/casino in Habana and I will not rest until that bearded bastard is dead or removed from office! Oh, and I'll also fuck up American politics in unbelievable stupid ways. But my grandpa had a whorehouse! We were important people in the whorehouse community! Attention must be paid!

    • The thing with Ozzie's kids is what gets me. He apparently felt/feels they can do no wrong, even when they are shooting their mouths off about shit that is not their business, i.e. anything to do with their father's job and the White Sox. As I recall, it all stems from Kenny Williams' kid getting a nice spot in the Sox farm system, while Ozzie's kid was offered a not-as-nice spot. Neither one of them should have been trying to play baseball for the White Sox, it's just dumb nepotism.

  • 'Tis the season for faux outrage about every fucking single thing. And will just be getting worser n' worser as the prospect of that tri-raced communist marxist Castro-lover (probably, I mean, why not?) Kenyan staying in la casa blanca for four more years makes bow-tie wearing pundits and hello-kitty wearing grandmas heads explode. Time to drag out more Coca-eeen.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I take it Ozzie Guillen and Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez aren't exactly getting together for mojitos any time soon.

    • V572 Hogan Gidley

      Remember that movie version of "Miami Vice," where some hottie tells Colin Farrell she knows a perfect place to get a mojito, and they jump in a Cigarette boat and zoom ninety miles across the open ocean to Havana, in an open boat from which they emerge with not one hair out of place? That really ruined the verisimilitude of an otherwise thoughtful and incisive work of cinema.

      • OneYieldRegular

        In terms of verisimilitude, the 90-mile boat ride and the stiff hair were fine compared to the notion that it's easy to find a perfect mojito in Havana.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Hasta La Victoria Siempre!

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Oh, good lord. My father (who is so white he probably glows in the dark) has said this every time Fidel is mentioned on the news. Is Bud afraid all the 'real' Cubans won't watch anymore? Shit, what else have they got other than Jai alai?

    • I think Ozzie was smart here.

      Young Cubans, the audience he's targeting, are all like "Castro? Who?" and don't give a rat's ass.

      The only thing standing between the US and Cuba and normal relations is working out the property rights of people who are still alive who owned land there and want it back.

      Fuck 'em, I say. We screwed our Indians, we don't really have a leg to stand on here.

      Besides, I love me some Habanas….

  • HempDogbane

    Fidel Castro is a piranha !

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    But what does Bill Belichick think about Daniel Ortega?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      And what is Spurs coach Greg Popović's opinion on Serbian strongman Slobodan Milošević?

  • BornInATrailer

    Wow. Liam Neeson has gotten fat.

  • MissTaken

    Baseball and trying to figure out how to kill Castro are America's Two Favorite Pastimes.

    • I thought they were hunting and drinking AND learning geography by invading brown people places?


        I wish my car runs on Bacardi so we can invade Puerto Rico. No, wait.

    • Hello, back there in 1962! America's current Favorite Passtimes are Pro Football bounties and office pools on when we bomb Iran.

  • LastGasp

    So, our editrix was once plied with cocaine and bartenders just gave her strawberry margaritas — at the same establishment. Quite the life. How did she wind up at Wonkette?

    • Fare la Volpe

      With a pedigree like that, what took her so long?

    • WiscDad

      That's HOW she wound up at Wonkette

    • teebob2000

      Newsflash — he didn't give a shit about Miami Cubans. He liked your tits.

  • Mahousu

    Given Castro's (ironcially enough) apparent control problems as a pitcher, Ozzie should have been more measured in his praise.

  • This is why why can't have nice things, like as Cuban cigars and such…

    • Psst…go anyplace else in the Caribbean.

      I'm holding. You need?

  • ChernobylSoup

    The grudge against Cuba is about as logical as the one my dog holds against squirrels.

    • LesBontemps

      In defense of your dog, squirrels are demonstrably evil and spend their days plotting our destruction. (My dog told me.)

      • LetUsBray

        Squirrels are cute rats.

    • Whose grudge? "Ours", or the exiles?

      • ChernobylSoup

        "Ours." Every exile's grudge shall be considered on a case-by-case basis. Third-generation exiles need not apply.

  • hagajim

    I respect Fidel for having a more consistent position that Mittens.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Your editrix was once a 27-year-old bleach blonde being plied with cocaine by old Frenchmen

    But enough about last night!

  • Steverino247

    Then the Salvardorean bartender leaned over and murmured “Miami Cubans are bullshit,” and bought her a strawberry margarita. And then he bought her another.

    Sometime the next morning when she left the Salvadorean bartender's apartment, she thought, "Salvadorean bartenders are hot shit!"

  • Advn2rgirl

    Stupid meanness makes me want a Cuba Libre. (Okay, this time of day, pretty much everything makes me want a cuba libre.)

    • bureaucrap

      Multiple upfists! And a lime.

    • miss_grundy

      But since Cuba isn't really libre, what you really want is una mentirita (a little lie). If the bartender worked in Miami, he'll know what you really want.

  • rickmaci

    "Here we are, protected, free to make our profits without Kefauver, the goddamn Justice Department and the F.B.I. ninety miles away, in partnership with a friendly government. Ninety miles! It's nothing! Just one small step, looking for a man who wants to be President of the United States, and having the cash to make it possible. Michael, we're bigger than U.S. Steel."

    Fidel stepped on a lot of very sensitive toes. Still, he is going to die in his own bed. Lord knows how he managed that.

    • doloras

      Those in the know say he brokered a deal with the Santería spirits who have looked after him, as opposed to Toussaint L'Ouverture, who brokered a deal with the Voudoun spirits who are a bunch of assholes. By "in the know" I mean "occultist kooks", but it's a nice story nonetheless.

    • Fidel stepped on a lot of very sensitive toes. Still, he is going to die in his own bed. Lord knows how he managed that.

      cajones grandes, that's how.

  • MissTaken

    I'm so glad I live in a country where a man who says something that most intelligent people agree with results in a 5 game suspension yet a grown man can shoot and kill an unarmed child goes free with no charges.

    America, FUCK YEAH!

    • bagofmice

      Florida has its own fark tag for a reason.

    • I don't know that most intelligent people would say they "love and respect" Castro — maybe express indifference at best.

  • Callyson

    Then the Salvardorean bartender leaned over and murmured “Miami Cubans are bullshit,” and bought her a strawberry margarita. And then he bought her another.

    And then? Come on, this story is *much* more interesting than some baseball player's ramblings about Castro…

  • Goonemeritus

    To put it perspective Old Cubans are the Daughters of the American Revolution of Florida. Outrage is the only emotion they have left as they relies Castro may indeed outlive all the original refugees.

  • Miami's Cubans are just standing their ground. RIP Ozzie

    • LesBontemps

      Clearly they felt threatened; should've just shot him.

  • WiscDad

    Thank you Editrix. I had no fucking idea what all the hubbub was about (nor cared). I thought some baseball dude was all happy and shit that Castro created a bunch of superhuman baseball droids and sent them to play in Amurcas MLB league and spread Hispanic Communism….and herpes.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    After the nuclear holocaust, the only things to survive will be the cockroaches and Fidel. ¡Viva la revolución!

  • DaRooster

    But did he say it in Cuban? I mean that it the real communisticality of it… isn't it?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Your move, Hyman Roth.

    • Radio福井県

      Fidel keeps dying of that same heart attack for the last 30 years.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Can't decide between the advice of Warren Zevon or Al Davis.

  • Stevola

    What happened after the second margarita?

    • DahBoner

      Dancing on the bar?

  • DaRooster

    "Your editrix was once a 27-year-old bleach blonde being plied with cocaine by old Frenchmen…"

    You should try being plied by some Mendo County bud by a 40 something drummer/vocalist…

  • b[redact]opple

    Motherfucker. The word is motherfucker.

  • Like you, Editrix, I wonder what the big deal is all about

  • Speaking as a longtime Southside Chicago observer of Ozzie's freewheeling press stylings, I can only say, "goddamn, that was quick!"

  • Radio福井県

    Y2K still gives me the heebee jeebee's.

  • Here's a creative solution to the problem. Guantanamo Bay is in Cuba, right? So, clear it of the political prisoners-one of our bases in Greenland or something should suffice, or just let them go home because nobody cares any more and really, everybody HAS forgotten about 9/11. Then put up a few luxury condos and let all the old codgers on Calle Ocho retire back to their beloved homeland. Maybe add a few casinos and brothels so it'd be just like the old days.
    Marco Rubio could be the mayor.

  • LetUsBray

    But remember, it's the libruls and their Political Correctness that's the danger to free speech.

  • Your editrix was once a 27-year-old bleach blonde being plied with cocaine by old Frenchmen in Los Angeles time machine French restaurant Taix, when she started in a-chatting with two sharp-suited Afro-Cubans who in turn immediately started in with how Castro kills you if you don’t vote for him.

    Oh yeah, I saw a promo for that show, but it looked like a warmed over chop suey of old "Casino", "Mad Men" and "Godfather Part II" drafts.

  • SayItWithWookies

    And yet Rick Scott walks free.

  • I hung out at Taix a few times when I was around 27 (my friend's band used to play there) and no one ever plied me with cocaine or bought me strawberry margaritas. It must be true about blondes having more fun.

  • Gainsbourg69

    Thanks for giving the local fascists a reason to get out and fuck up my afternoon commute, Ozzie.

  • Being an African-American man, I am blinded with the inability to see anything other than race, so I find all the huffing and puffing of white Cubans in Miami amusing. I don't think there are many black Cubans down there pining for their families' lost hotels and casinos and the paradise of their status under Batista. At the same time, Castro's Cuba gives lip service to racial equality while throwing black people in jail for pointing out racism.

    And, as pompous, tricycle-riding but nevertheless insightful Prof Skip Gates has pointed out, this is a blind spot poorly dealt with all over Latin America:

  • lochnessmonster

    Hey they KNEW who they were hiring when they did it.

  • So sorry for you Cuban "exiles" that Castro took your slave plantations away. But given that your demographic seems to dislike our country even more than Cuba, I am not quite sure why you all are still here.

  • voodooeconomics

    The Gusanos have spoken…again..and it is a bad day for that little American book called the Constitution, which the Miami Cubans would like to use it for toilet paper..ingrates. They do seem to favor right wing dictatorships..they do not seem to think there is anything wrong with those.

    Gusanos=worms….the name Castro call ALL Cubanos in


    Suspended for what? So the First Amendment applies for good dictators like Pinochet, Trujillo, Batista or Videla, but not for the bad ones? I see.

  • rocktonsam

    Ozzie meant Starlin Castro, helllllllllllllooooooooooooooo!

  • woodsboyAK

    This pathetic story along with some nonsense on NPRs Talk of the Nation about how teachers cant appear ever in a picture with a glass of wine in their hands at a wedding (which appeared on Facebook) because they will get fired or what-not made me think that maybe today was April Fool's Day…was it? Are you sure? I think its April Fool's Day. Yes, Miami Cubans are indeed BULLSHIT.

  • DahBoner

    South Florida Cubans say they hate Commies.

    But actually, the only reason they hate Fidel is because he stole tbeir stuff, land, etc.

    They LOVED the previous corrupt dictator, who no doubt, held fake elections, just like Fidel.

    Miami Cubans DO NOT like to be reminded of this…

  • ttommyunger

    Ya know, if I was making a gazillion fucking dollars a year in baseball, I believe I would restrict my public speaking to baseball, just sayin…

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