And so it begins. Expect to see 419,723,421 of these, of quickly dwindling quality, by sundown. But here is a nice start!
(1) Many people refer to “heterosexuals” as “straight.” The better term is “breeders” because they are always going around having babies all over the place. Beware of them. They might try to get you to babysit while they go out and make more babies.
(2) Of course, Breeders should be treated with respect, just like any other person. But there are certain times when also they shouldn’t.
(3) Breeders are statistically in the majority, which is why they have to be watched. They are power mad, and super paranoid about any non-Breeder feelings they might be having. These feelings usually manifest themselves in some dumb bullshit law or other that will restrict your right to marry the person you love. This is one of their favorite things to do, in fact, because they are spastic.
(4) Religious, right-wing breeders, especially, just cannot stop thinking about gay sex. They think about it more than you, just accept it. If you ever need some good/disgusting porn, just hack the computer of the most religious man on your block. He will have a mother load on his hard drive.
Go ahead over there. We’ll be here when you get back. [SeeTimBlog]
{ 105 comments }
Mimi? There was a girl named Mimi in my first grade class. Are you talking about her?
Dave?
The Breeders weren't bad. They had a couple good tunes and Pod was a neat album.
THIS is the Pod to be concerned with:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7v40Gy8STE
Weeeeeeeeen!
If loving Tanya Donelly is wrong, then I don't want to be right.
Only breeders should be allowed to adopt children and take in foster children. This keeps the little orphans from turning gay by association.
People who believe in the "turning gay" thing seem to have a very weak identification with their stated sexual orientation, so much so that it could change on the instant, at the drop of (to) the knees.
Hey now, some of us straight people know how to use birth control and aren't having babies all over the place, or even at all.
….Yet.
Some of us are also too old and uninterested to bother anymore.
I just like going through the motions.
I am at the age that I phone it in.
Ms Curley and I try to stay interested a couple times a month. But these days using a strap on means a heart monitor, taking a hit is pure oxygen and pressing the right buttons is pre-dialing 9-1-1.
Seriously! I was at Target last night and within 10 minutes I saw 4 children screaming because being wheeled around in a shopping cart while mom buys Tide is the worst thing in the world to experience.
Reminded me why I'll never breed.
Other people's kids are the best argument for birth control there is. And yeah seeing how those brats act up in public certainly helps my desire to never, ever have one of those things.
Then sometimes you get kids who are freakishly sweet-natured, well behaved and good-looking. Kids like mine.
I could audibly hear the the ticking of biological clocks all around me when I used to take them grocery shopping with me.
Lascaux, where all the children above average!
Perspective.
That's what makes us so sneaky. We have sex, but still no babies popping out all over the place. Bwaa-haa-haa-haa!
I think about gay sex all the time, since it's constantly dangling in my face and shoved down my throat.
I want to know where you work and if there are any. . .wait for it. . .openings.
I'm sure we can find a….position….for you.
Hot pizza delivery guy work?
Would that be. . .entry level?
Depends.
Are you…experienced?
Correction: "breeeders" do not let "non-breeders" babysit their kids.
Non-breeders are perverts and obsessed with sex because they are getting so much of it that they have to have more, unlike the Breeders who haven't gotten any in weeks.
Months.
Sorry to hear that.
"Cannonball" was a pretty solid song though.
& Divine Hammer !
I would think that the #1 thing gay people say to John Derbyshire is "Less teeth, more tongue!"
Oh please. Like we'd let Derbyshire's gaping maw anywhere near our manly bits.
My apologies; you are correct. Derbyshire would probably have to drug anyone he wanted sexytime with into such a stupor that speech would be just a series of mumbles and slurs.
Given his….association…with young girls, it wouldn't surprise me
Seriously. This old grotesquerie finds the attractive age range to be 15 to 20? Am I the only one skeeved by this?
gross. I wouldn't want that old troll anywhere near me.
(5) Some breeders are too stupid to live & probably should not be allowed to pro-create since their 'perfect' offspring tend to be viewed as horrible brats by the general population. These people also think they are smugly superior to other breeders and think they have a lot of like-minded friends. Unbeknownst to them, these friends hate them and talk shit about them behind their backs.
Two chicks getting it on is gay sex, so I constantly think of homosexual encounters. Like ALL the time.
When a Breeder starts saying, "Think of the children…" Run!
That would be "mother lode"…. oh, wait….. never mind.
I don't think mothers have anything to do with it, though.
EDIT: beaten one comment down. Damn you, teebob. And damn my lack of foresight and reading comprehension!
From a strictly pedantically etymological viewpoint, you are correct. However, mother load is similar in construction to shitload and motherfucking huge load so, there's that.
Besides, lode and load are homophobes (don't know how to do that strikethrough thingie)homophones, anyway.
Whenever i catch myself thinking about gay sex, i just think about Mitch McConnell and it disappears for at least six hours
Wouldn't it actually be the father load?
I feel bad. I am heterosexual, but I cannot be a "breeder". And I made that choice. Shit, what does this make me!?!
Pro choice.
Smart.
It makes you the worst thing evar, according to Catholic Jesus.
More sinned against than sinning.
King Lear FTW.
As John Derbyshire awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.
Breeders only care about their breeding when their breeding results in a blastocyst; which much be protected even in the event of the death of the female breeder.
But if we all become breeder reactors where will we keep all the nucular waste?
Breeders are almost as bad as the Belgians! Don't even get me started!
Belgian Breeders are pure unadulterated evil.
But Belgian Breeders make good Brews, so we'll let them be.
Nope, those were the monks.
Ah, then the Belgian Brewers were almost certainly engaged in Buggery.
KIM DEAL LIBEL!!!!!!!!!!
Two Breeders, one cup?
Tim, you obviously didn't see this year's CMAs. I haven't seen that much campiness on TV since the 1979 Lawrence Welk Show.
If we didn't have breeders we wouldn't need abortions. Sit on that straight people!
Or have gay babbies.
Suck it.
I'm mistaken. For every gay baby we manage to create we would have to abort like nine straight ones. And they would be those controversial 40th trimester abortions.
Why are gay people so obsessed with straight sex if I didn’t know better I would suspect there might be some closeted heterosexuals out there?
Hey, that was just youthful experimentation, and it only confirmed my bent (and gave me my 'never-again, tequila' story).
"What John Derbyshire thinks I do"
If you ever need some good/disgusting porn, just hack the computer of the most religious man on your block. He will have a mother load on his hard drive.
I see what you did there. Actually, the mother load usually winds up on the keyboard — or so I've heard.
My house would not be nearly as nicely decorated as it is if it weren't for the advice I received from my gay friends. It fools the chicks I bring home into thinking I have good taste.
Of course, if you really had good taste, you wouldn't be bringing those chicks home, would you?
That's the funny part!!!
Everything I learned about men's fashions I owe to Carson Kressley.
My gay roommate is sloppy as shit, so I'm always cleaning up after him.
It's like Bizzaro Odd Couple…
Breeders are also responsible for all of the horrible playlands in every McDonald's across the country. MONSTERS!!!!! I hope you guys and your horrible spawn are happy now that you have completely ruined this country.
You KNOW it was a Breeder that came up with Grimace and the Hamburglar.
Grimace is kinda…gay, tho.
Oh, yes. It's like McDonalds was heaven on earth before they installed the Playlands.
Is that an onion on your belt?
[/rolls eyes]
No, it's not an onion. It's the head of an aborted fetus, but a lot of people make that mistake.
If you are at some public event at which the number of breeders suddenly swells, leave as quickly as possible. Such events might include a spring break beach party in Daytona, a Rick Warren book signing in Tulsa, or any bar in the Meat Packing District.
I'm a breeder and I think this is solid advice…
Ha! You said meat packing district!
I played at the Meat Palace once. Exotic meats by day, bears at night.
I'd read this article but I'm busy writing my column for the Daily Caller about how I don't trust breeders any more since my car was broken into in a straight neighborhood in Seattle.
Two words: Lipstick Lesbians.
You live in beltown?
When my wife and I (yes, we're breeders) were about to arrive in Germany with our then 11 month old son, we were warned that "Germans don't like babies." We couldn't very well keep him hidden, of course, since we lived "on the economy" instead of in quarters on base. We soon learned the truth and that is everybody loves well-behaved children and nobody loves brats. Our little guy was the key to so many doors, I couldn't begin to count them. It's ok to have children, but a crime against humanity not to love them and raise them well.
lol @ "Germans don't like babies" as if Germans are born as full-developed (and severe) adults. lol
Uh, just a personal question here. How do you classify a breeder with a vasectomy?
Sport model?
Differently abled
good to go
So, what do you call David Crosby and two Lesbians with a turkey baster?
The Aristocrats?
A rockin' Thanksgiving?
Me and my gay buds try to guess the sexual orientation of random people by using our 'breeder meters'. My Gaydar works a little better tho.
I don't have anything against breeders. My parents are breeders and they're ok. Poor taste in decor, but that comes withthe territory , I guess.
I'm tolerant of breeders unless they shove their sexuality in my face which turns out to be about 90% of the time on TV and movies and literature and music. And of course the Mardi Gras parade.
I'm confused. What are those mens doing in the picture?
Prostate examinations. Clearly they are health nuts.
Don't Breed On Me
Why is it that guys who can't get laid always think they know everything about sex?
If not, do we need to start at the… bottom of the organization?
Wait a minute, are you guys talking about … fucking?
Our lips are moving, right? (I think that provides enough innuendo to keep this going a little longer. . .)
It's … on the tip of your tongue?
Not for. . .long.
More of an epiglottal movement.
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