So gayAnd so it begins. Expect to see 419,723,421 of these, of quickly dwindling quality, by sundown. But here is a nice start!

(1) Many people refer to “heterosexuals” as “straight.” The better term is “breeders” because they are always going around having babies all over the place. Beware of them. They might try to get you to babysit while they go out and make more babies.

(2) Of course, Breeders should be treated with respect, just like any other person. But there are certain times when also they shouldn’t.

(3) Breeders are statistically in the majority, which is why they have to be watched. They are power mad, and super paranoid about any non-Breeder feelings they might be having. These feelings usually manifest themselves in some dumb bullshit law or other that will restrict your right to marry the person you love. This is one of their favorite things to do, in fact, because they are spastic.

(4) Religious, right-wing breeders, especially, just cannot stop thinking about gay sex. They think about it more than you, just accept it. If you ever need some good/disgusting porn, just hack the computer of the most religious man on your block. He will have a mother load on his hard drive.

Go ahead over there. We’ll be here when you get back. [SeeTimBlog]

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  • nounverb911

    Mimi? There was a girl named Mimi in my first grade class. Are you talking about her?

    • CZL


  • Baconzgood

    The Breeders weren't bad. They had a couple good tunes and Pod was a neat album.

  • Barb

    Only breeders should be allowed to adopt children and take in foster children. This keeps the little orphans from turning gay by association.

    • Boojum

      People who believe in the "turning gay" thing seem to have a very weak identification with their stated sexual orientation, so much so that it could change on the instant, at the drop of (to) the knees.

  • SorosBot

    Hey now, some of us straight people know how to use birth control and aren't having babies all over the place, or even at all.

    • ….Yet.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Some of us are also too old and uninterested to bother anymore.

      • I just like going through the motions.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          I am at the age that I phone it in.

      • James Michael Curley

        Ms Curley and I try to stay interested a couple times a month. But these days using a strap on means a heart monitor, taking a hit is pure oxygen and pressing the right buttons is pre-dialing 9-1-1.

    • MissTaken

      Seriously! I was at Target last night and within 10 minutes I saw 4 children screaming because being wheeled around in a shopping cart while mom buys Tide is the worst thing in the world to experience.

      Reminded me why I'll never breed.

      • SorosBot

        Other people's kids are the best argument for birth control there is. And yeah seeing how those brats act up in public certainly helps my desire to never, ever have one of those things.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Then sometimes you get kids who are freakishly sweet-natured, well behaved and good-looking. Kids like mine.

          I could audibly hear the the ticking of biological clocks all around me when I used to take them grocery shopping with me.

          • commiegirl

            Lascaux, where all the children above average!

      • Guppy
    • MrsBiggTime

      That's what makes us so sneaky. We have sex, but still no babies popping out all over the place. Bwaa-haa-haa-haa!

  • I think about gay sex all the time, since it's constantly dangling in my face and shoved down my throat.

    • widestanceromance

      I want to know where you work and if there are any. . .wait for it. . .openings.

      • I'm sure we can find a….position….for you.

        Hot pizza delivery guy work?

        • widestanceromance

          Would that be. . .entry level?

          • Depends.

            Are you…experienced?

          • MadBrahms

            If not, do we need to start at the… bottom of the organization?

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Wait a minute, are you guys talking about … fucking?

          • widestanceromance

            Our lips are moving, right? (I think that provides enough innuendo to keep this going a little longer. . .)

          • Lascauxcaveman

            It's … on the tip of your tongue?

          • widestanceromance

            Not for. . .long.

          • bagofmice

            More of an epiglottal movement.

  • Pragmatist2

    Correction: "breeeders" do not let "non-breeders" babysit their kids.
    Non-breeders are perverts and obsessed with sex because they are getting so much of it that they have to have more, unlike the Breeders who haven't gotten any in weeks.

    • BerkeleyBear


      • Pragmatist2

        Sorry to hear that.

  • "Cannonball" was a pretty solid song though.

    • HempDogbane

      & Divine Hammer !

  • CapnFatback

    I would think that the #1 thing gay people say to John Derbyshire is "Less teeth, more tongue!"

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh please. Like we'd let Derbyshire's gaping maw anywhere near our manly bits.

      • CapnFatback

        My apologies; you are correct. Derbyshire would probably have to drug anyone he wanted sexytime with into such a stupor that speech would be just a series of mumbles and slurs.

        • Given his….association…with young girls, it wouldn't surprise me

          • Boojum

            Seriously. This old grotesquerie finds the attractive age range to be 15 to 20? Am I the only one skeeved by this?

    • Nopantsmcgee

      gross. I wouldn't want that old troll anywhere near me.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    (5) Some breeders are too stupid to live & probably should not be allowed to pro-create since their 'perfect' offspring tend to be viewed as horrible brats by the general population. These people also think they are smugly superior to other breeders and think they have a lot of like-minded friends. Unbeknownst to them, these friends hate them and talk shit about them behind their backs.

  • Baconzgood

    Two chicks getting it on is gay sex, so I constantly think of homosexual encounters. Like ALL the time.

  • BlueStateLibel

    When a Breeder starts saying, "Think of the children…" Run!

  • arduinohacker

    That would be "mother lode"…. oh, wait….. never mind.

    • MadBrahms

      I don't think mothers have anything to do with it, though.

      EDIT: beaten one comment down. Damn you, teebob. And damn my lack of foresight and reading comprehension!

    • From a strictly pedantically etymological viewpoint, you are correct. However, mother load is similar in construction to shitload and motherfucking huge load so, there's that.
      Besides, lode and load are homophobes (don't know how to do that strikethrough thingie)homophones, anyway.

  • lamb_cannon

    Whenever i catch myself thinking about gay sex, i just think about Mitch McConnell and it disappears for at least six hours

  • teebob2000

    Wouldn't it actually be the father load?

  • hagajim

    I feel bad. I am heterosexual, but I cannot be a "breeder". And I made that choice. Shit, what does this make me!?!

    • freakishlywrong

      Pro choice.

    • MissTaken


    • Guppy

      It makes you the worst thing evar, according to Catholic Jesus.

    • elviouslyqueer

      More sinned against than sinning.

      • Negropolis

        King Lear FTW.

  • HempDogbane

    As John Derbyshire awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.

  • freakishlywrong

    Breeders only care about their breeding when their breeding results in a blastocyst; which much be protected even in the event of the death of the female breeder.

  • But if we all become breeder reactors where will we keep all the nucular waste?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Breeders are almost as bad as the Belgians! Don't even get me started!

    • MissTaken

      Belgian Breeders are pure unadulterated evil.

      • MadBrahms

        But Belgian Breeders make good Brews, so we'll let them be.

        • BigSkullF*ckingDog

          Nope, those were the monks.

          • MadBrahms

            Ah, then the Belgian Brewers were almost certainly engaged in Buggery.

  • Baconzgood

    KIM DEAL LIBEL!!!!!!!!!!

  • Oblios_Cap

    Two Breeders, one cup?

  • elviouslyqueer

    If you do not plan in advance you may find yourself at a megachurch, a tailgating party, a football game, or the Country Music Awards. (They do not sell poppers at such events.)

    Tim, you obviously didn't see this year's CMAs. I haven't seen that much campiness on TV since the 1979 Lawrence Welk Show.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    If we didn't have breeders we wouldn't need abortions. Sit on that straight people!

    • Or have gay babbies.

      Suck it.

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        I'm mistaken. For every gay baby we manage to create we would have to abort like nine straight ones. And they would be those controversial 40th trimester abortions.

  • Goonemeritus

    Why are gay people so obsessed with straight sex if I didn’t know better I would suspect there might be some closeted heterosexuals out there?

    • widestanceromance

      Hey, that was just youthful experimentation, and it only confirmed my bent (and gave me my 'never-again, tequila' story).

  • mavenmaven

    "What John Derbyshire thinks I do"

  • LastGasp

    If you ever need some good/disgusting porn, just hack the computer of the most religious man on your block. He will have a mother load on his hard drive.

    I see what you did there. Actually, the mother load usually winds up on the keyboard — or so I've heard.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    My house would not be nearly as nicely decorated as it is if it weren't for the advice I received from my gay friends. It fools the chicks I bring home into thinking I have good taste.

    • Guppy

      Of course, if you really had good taste, you wouldn't be bringing those chicks home, would you?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        That's the funny part!!!

    • proudgrampa

      Everything I learned about men's fashions I owe to Carson Kressley.

    • DahBoner

      My gay roommate is sloppy as shit, so I'm always cleaning up after him.

      It's like Bizzaro Odd Couple…

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Breeders are also responsible for all of the horrible playlands in every McDonald's across the country. MONSTERS!!!!! I hope you guys and your horrible spawn are happy now that you have completely ruined this country.

    • MissTaken

      You KNOW it was a Breeder that came up with Grimace and the Hamburglar.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Oh, yes. It's like McDonalds was heaven on earth before they installed the Playlands.

      Is that an onion on your belt?
      [/rolls eyes]

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        No, it's not an onion. It's the head of an aborted fetus, but a lot of people make that mistake.

  • Callyson

    If you are at some public event at which the number of breeders suddenly swells, leave as quickly as possible. Such events might include a spring break beach party in Daytona, a Rick Warren book signing in Tulsa, or any bar in the Meat Packing District.

    I'm a breeder and I think this is solid advice…

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Ha! You said meat packing district!

    • bagofmice

      I played at the Meat Palace once. Exotic meats by day, bears at night.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    I'd read this article but I'm busy writing my column for the Daily Caller about how I don't trust breeders any more since my car was broken into in a straight neighborhood in Seattle.

    • DahBoner

      Two words: Lipstick Lesbians.

    • bagofmice

      You live in beltown?

  • Steverino247

    When my wife and I (yes, we're breeders) were about to arrive in Germany with our then 11 month old son, we were warned that "Germans don't like babies." We couldn't very well keep him hidden, of course, since we lived "on the economy" instead of in quarters on base. We soon learned the truth and that is everybody loves well-behaved children and nobody loves brats. Our little guy was the key to so many doors, I couldn't begin to count them. It's ok to have children, but a crime against humanity not to love them and raise them well.

    • Negropolis

      lol @ "Germans don't like babies" as if Germans are born as full-developed (and severe) adults. lol

  • rickmaci

    Uh, just a personal question here. How do you classify a breeder with a vasectomy?

    • widestanceromance

      Sport model?

    • bagofmice

      Differently abled

    • good to go

  • DahBoner

    So, what do you call David Crosby and two Lesbians with a turkey baster?

    • trondant

      The Aristocrats?

    • Nopantsmcgee

      A rockin' Thanksgiving?

  • Nopantsmcgee

    Me and my gay buds try to guess the sexual orientation of random people by using our 'breeder meters'. My Gaydar works a little better tho.

  • Nopantsmcgee

    I don't have anything against breeders. My parents are breeders and they're ok. Poor taste in decor, but that comes withthe territory , I guess.

    I'm tolerant of breeders unless they shove their sexuality in my face which turns out to be about 90% of the time on TV and movies and literature and music. And of course the Mardi Gras parade.

  • widestanceromance

    I'm confused. What are those mens doing in the picture?

    • Prostate examinations. Clearly they are health nuts.

  • Troubledog

    Don't Breed On Me

  • ttommyunger

    Why is it that guys who can't get laid always think they know everything about sex?

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