WHAT'S A MEME?  11:41 am April 10, 2012

Here Is Your New Morning Meme, S*** Gay People Say To John Derbyshire

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

So gayAnd so it begins. Expect to see 419,723,421 of these, of quickly dwindling quality, by sundown. But here is a nice start!

(1) Many people refer to “heterosexuals” as “straight.” The better term is “breeders” because they are always going around having babies all over the place. Beware of them. They might try to get you to babysit while they go out and make more babies.

(2) Of course, Breeders should be treated with respect, just like any other person. But there are certain times when also they shouldn’t.

(3) Breeders are statistically in the majority, which is why they have to be watched. They are power mad, and super paranoid about any non-Breeder feelings they might be having. These feelings usually manifest themselves in some dumb bullshit law or other that will restrict your right to marry the person you love. This is one of their favorite things to do, in fact, because they are spastic.

(4) Religious, right-wing breeders, especially, just cannot stop thinking about gay sex. They think about it more than you, just accept it. If you ever need some good/disgusting porn, just hack the computer of the most religious man on your block. He will have a mother load on his hard drive.

Go ahead over there. We’ll be here when you get back. [SeeTimBlog]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 105 comments }

nounverb911 April 10, 2012 at 11:44 am

Mimi? There was a girl named Mimi in my first grade class. Are you talking about her?

CZL April 10, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Dave?

Baconzgood April 10, 2012 at 11:46 am

The Breeders weren't bad. They had a couple good tunes and Pod was a neat album.

4TheTurnstiles April 10, 2012 at 11:55 am

THIS is the Pod to be concerned with:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7v40Gy8STE

Baconzgood April 10, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Weeeeeeeeen!

Lascauxcaveman April 10, 2012 at 12:44 pm

If loving Tanya Donelly is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Barb April 10, 2012 at 11:46 am

Only breeders should be allowed to adopt children and take in foster children. This keeps the little orphans from turning gay by association.

Boojum April 10, 2012 at 1:12 pm

People who believe in the "turning gay" thing seem to have a very weak identification with their stated sexual orientation, so much so that it could change on the instant, at the drop of (to) the knees.

SorosBot April 10, 2012 at 11:46 am

Hey now, some of us straight people know how to use birth control and aren't having babies all over the place, or even at all.

actor212 April 10, 2012 at 11:47 am

….Yet.

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Some of us are also too old and uninterested to bother anymore.

actor212 April 10, 2012 at 12:13 pm

I just like going through the motions.

Jus_Wonderin April 10, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I am at the age that I phone it in.

James Michael Curley April 10, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Ms Curley and I try to stay interested a couple times a month. But these days using a strap on means a heart monitor, taking a hit is pure oxygen and pressing the right buttons is pre-dialing 9-1-1.

MissTaken April 10, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Seriously! I was at Target last night and within 10 minutes I saw 4 children screaming because being wheeled around in a shopping cart while mom buys Tide is the worst thing in the world to experience.

Reminded me why I'll never breed.

SorosBot April 10, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Other people's kids are the best argument for birth control there is. And yeah seeing how those brats act up in public certainly helps my desire to never, ever have one of those things.

Lascauxcaveman April 10, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Then sometimes you get kids who are freakishly sweet-natured, well behaved and good-looking. Kids like mine.

I could audibly hear the the ticking of biological clocks all around me when I used to take them grocery shopping with me.

commiegirl April 10, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Lascaux, where all the children above average!

Guppy April 10, 2012 at 12:32 pm
MrsBiggTime April 10, 2012 at 12:29 pm

That's what makes us so sneaky. We have sex, but still no babies popping out all over the place. Bwaa-haa-haa-haa!

actor212 April 10, 2012 at 11:47 am

I think about gay sex all the time, since it's constantly dangling in my face and shoved down my throat.

widestanceromance April 10, 2012 at 12:08 pm

I want to know where you work and if there are any. . .wait for it. . .openings.

actor212 April 10, 2012 at 12:14 pm

I'm sure we can find a….position….for you.

Hot pizza delivery guy work?

widestanceromance April 10, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Would that be. . .entry level?

actor212 April 10, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Depends.

Are you…experienced?

Pragmatist2 April 10, 2012 at 11:48 am

Correction: "breeeders" do not let "non-breeders" babysit their kids.
Non-breeders are perverts and obsessed with sex because they are getting so much of it that they have to have more, unlike the Breeders who haven't gotten any in weeks.

BerkeleyBear April 10, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Months.

Pragmatist2 April 10, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Sorry to hear that.

Gratuitous World April 10, 2012 at 11:49 am

"Cannonball" was a pretty solid song though.

HempDogbane April 10, 2012 at 11:53 am

& Divine Hammer !

CapnFatback April 10, 2012 at 11:50 am

I would think that the #1 thing gay people say to John Derbyshire is "Less teeth, more tongue!"

elviouslyqueer April 10, 2012 at 11:53 am

Oh please. Like we'd let Derbyshire's gaping maw anywhere near our manly bits.

CapnFatback April 10, 2012 at 12:00 pm

My apologies; you are correct. Derbyshire would probably have to drug anyone he wanted sexytime with into such a stupor that speech would be just a series of mumbles and slurs.

actor212 April 10, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Given his….association…with young girls, it wouldn't surprise me

Boojum April 10, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Seriously. This old grotesquerie finds the attractive age range to be 15 to 20? Am I the only one skeeved by this?

Nopantsmcgee April 10, 2012 at 1:28 pm

gross. I wouldn't want that old troll anywhere near me.

Texan_Bulldog April 10, 2012 at 11:50 am

(5) Some breeders are too stupid to live & probably should not be allowed to pro-create since their 'perfect' offspring tend to be viewed as horrible brats by the general population. These people also think they are smugly superior to other breeders and think they have a lot of like-minded friends. Unbeknownst to them, these friends hate them and talk shit about them behind their backs.

Baconzgood April 10, 2012 at 11:51 am

Two chicks getting it on is gay sex, so I constantly think of homosexual encounters. Like ALL the time.

BlueStateLibel April 10, 2012 at 11:53 am

When a Breeder starts saying, "Think of the children…" Run!

arduinohacker April 10, 2012 at 11:53 am

That would be "mother lode"…. oh, wait….. never mind.

MadBrahms April 10, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I don't think mothers have anything to do with it, though.

EDIT: beaten one comment down. Damn you, teebob. And damn my lack of foresight and reading comprehension!

gurukalehuru April 10, 2012 at 3:12 pm

From a strictly pedantically etymological viewpoint, you are correct. However, mother load is similar in construction to shitload and motherfucking huge load so, there's that.
Besides, lode and load are homophobes (don't know how to do that strikethrough thingie)homophones, anyway.

lamb_cannon April 10, 2012 at 11:54 am

Whenever i catch myself thinking about gay sex, i just think about Mitch McConnell and it disappears for at least six hours

teebob2000 April 10, 2012 at 11:54 am

Wouldn't it actually be the father load?

hagajim April 10, 2012 at 11:55 am

I feel bad. I am heterosexual, but I cannot be a "breeder". And I made that choice. Shit, what does this make me!?!

freakishlywrong April 10, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Pro choice.

MissTaken April 10, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Smart.

Guppy April 10, 2012 at 12:35 pm

It makes you the worst thing evar, according to Catholic Jesus.

elviouslyqueer April 10, 2012 at 12:54 pm

More sinned against than sinning.

Negropolis April 11, 2012 at 2:38 am

King Lear FTW.

HempDogbane April 10, 2012 at 11:55 am

As John Derbyshire awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.

freakishlywrong April 10, 2012 at 11:56 am

Breeders only care about their breeding when their breeding results in a blastocyst; which much be protected even in the event of the death of the female breeder.

FlownOver April 10, 2012 at 11:57 am

But if we all become breeder reactors where will we keep all the nucular waste?

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 10, 2012 at 11:58 am

Breeders are almost as bad as the Belgians! Don't even get me started!

MissTaken April 10, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Belgian Breeders are pure unadulterated evil.

MadBrahms April 10, 2012 at 12:18 pm

But Belgian Breeders make good Brews, so we'll let them be.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 10, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Nope, those were the monks.

MadBrahms April 10, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Ah, then the Belgian Brewers were almost certainly engaged in Buggery.

Baconzgood April 10, 2012 at 11:58 am

KIM DEAL LIBEL!!!!!!!!!!

Oblios_Cap April 10, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Two Breeders, one cup?

elviouslyqueer April 10, 2012 at 12:02 pm

If you do not plan in advance you may find yourself at a megachurch, a tailgating party, a football game, or the Country Music Awards. (They do not sell poppers at such events.)

Tim, you obviously didn't see this year's CMAs. I haven't seen that much campiness on TV since the 1979 Lawrence Welk Show.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 10, 2012 at 12:03 pm

If we didn't have breeders we wouldn't need abortions. Sit on that straight people!

actor212 April 10, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Or have gay babbies.

Suck it.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 10, 2012 at 12:31 pm

I'm mistaken. For every gay baby we manage to create we would have to abort like nine straight ones. And they would be those controversial 40th trimester abortions.

Goonemeritus April 10, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Why are gay people so obsessed with straight sex if I didn’t know better I would suspect there might be some closeted heterosexuals out there?

widestanceromance April 10, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Hey, that was just youthful experimentation, and it only confirmed my bent (and gave me my 'never-again, tequila' story).

mavenmaven April 10, 2012 at 12:07 pm

"What John Derbyshire thinks I do"

LastGasp April 10, 2012 at 12:07 pm

If you ever need some good/disgusting porn, just hack the computer of the most religious man on your block. He will have a mother load on his hard drive.

I see what you did there. Actually, the mother load usually winds up on the keyboard — or so I've heard.

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 12:08 pm

My house would not be nearly as nicely decorated as it is if it weren't for the advice I received from my gay friends. It fools the chicks I bring home into thinking I have good taste.

Guppy April 10, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Of course, if you really had good taste, you wouldn't be bringing those chicks home, would you?

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 12:49 pm

That's the funny part!!!

proudgrampa April 10, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Everything I learned about men's fashions I owe to Carson Kressley.

DahBoner April 10, 2012 at 1:21 pm

My gay roommate is sloppy as shit, so I'm always cleaning up after him.

It's like Bizzaro Odd Couple…

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 10, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Breeders are also responsible for all of the horrible playlands in every McDonald's across the country. MONSTERS!!!!! I hope you guys and your horrible spawn are happy now that you have completely ruined this country.

MissTaken April 10, 2012 at 12:22 pm

You KNOW it was a Breeder that came up with Grimace and the Hamburglar.

actor212 April 10, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Grimace is kinda…gay, tho.

Lascauxcaveman April 10, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Oh, yes. It's like McDonalds was heaven on earth before they installed the Playlands.

Is that an onion on your belt?
[/rolls eyes]

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 10, 2012 at 1:13 pm

No, it's not an onion. It's the head of an aborted fetus, but a lot of people make that mistake.

Callyson April 10, 2012 at 12:15 pm

If you are at some public event at which the number of breeders suddenly swells, leave as quickly as possible. Such events might include a spring break beach party in Daytona, a Rick Warren book signing in Tulsa, or any bar in the Meat Packing District.

I'm a breeder and I think this is solid advice…

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 10, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Ha! You said meat packing district!

bagofmice April 10, 2012 at 2:04 pm

I played at the Meat Palace once. Exotic meats by day, bears at night.

Wile E. Quixote April 10, 2012 at 1:00 pm

I'd read this article but I'm busy writing my column for the Daily Caller about how I don't trust breeders any more since my car was broken into in a straight neighborhood in Seattle.

DahBoner April 10, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Two words: Lipstick Lesbians.

bagofmice April 10, 2012 at 2:05 pm

You live in beltown?

Steverino247 April 10, 2012 at 1:04 pm

When my wife and I (yes, we're breeders) were about to arrive in Germany with our then 11 month old son, we were warned that "Germans don't like babies." We couldn't very well keep him hidden, of course, since we lived "on the economy" instead of in quarters on base. We soon learned the truth and that is everybody loves well-behaved children and nobody loves brats. Our little guy was the key to so many doors, I couldn't begin to count them. It's ok to have children, but a crime against humanity not to love them and raise them well.

Negropolis April 11, 2012 at 2:41 am

lol @ "Germans don't like babies" as if Germans are born as full-developed (and severe) adults. lol

rickmaci April 10, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Uh, just a personal question here. How do you classify a breeder with a vasectomy?

widestanceromance April 10, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Sport model?

bagofmice April 10, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Differently abled

gurukalehuru April 10, 2012 at 3:16 pm

good to go

DahBoner April 10, 2012 at 1:17 pm

So, what do you call David Crosby and two Lesbians with a turkey baster?

trondant April 10, 2012 at 1:27 pm

The Aristocrats?

Nopantsmcgee April 10, 2012 at 1:34 pm

A rockin' Thanksgiving?

Nopantsmcgee April 10, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Me and my gay buds try to guess the sexual orientation of random people by using our 'breeder meters'. My Gaydar works a little better tho.

Nopantsmcgee April 10, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I don't have anything against breeders. My parents are breeders and they're ok. Poor taste in decor, but that comes withthe territory , I guess.

I'm tolerant of breeders unless they shove their sexuality in my face which turns out to be about 90% of the time on TV and movies and literature and music. And of course the Mardi Gras parade.

widestanceromance April 10, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I'm confused. What are those mens doing in the picture?

valthemus April 10, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Prostate examinations. Clearly they are health nuts.

Troubledog April 11, 2012 at 12:59 am

Don't Breed On Me

ttommyunger April 11, 2012 at 10:15 am

Why is it that guys who can't get laid always think they know everything about sex?

MadBrahms April 10, 2012 at 12:39 pm

If not, do we need to start at the… bottom of the organization?

Lascauxcaveman April 10, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Wait a minute, are you guys talking about … fucking?

widestanceromance April 10, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Our lips are moving, right? (I think that provides enough innuendo to keep this going a little longer. . .)

Lascauxcaveman April 10, 2012 at 1:29 pm

It's … on the tip of your tongue?

widestanceromance April 10, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Not for. . .long.

bagofmice April 10, 2012 at 2:00 pm

More of an epiglottal movement.

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