GOP Rep. Hartzler Absolutely Sure She Isn’t Sure That Obama’s Birth Certificate Is Real

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Can somebody please ask Vicky Hartzler for her third grade completion certificate?

Fringe loonball Rep. Vicky Hartzler’s weary spokesman has this report to share with us regarding the minutes of Hartzler’s latest group therapy session with her constituents: “In responding to a constituent’s question regarding the Obama birth certificate, Congresswoman Hartzler confirmed that this issue has been raised by many 4th District citizens with whom she has spoken.” Well, that sounds healing. She confirmed! All these wingnuts needed was a little confirmation, sure. Way to defuse the anger! Unless… eh, let’s just roll the tape:

From the Sedalia Democrat:

“What do you think about Obama’s birth certificate being called a forgery?” asked a man who identified himself as an Army veteran.

“You know I have a lot of doubts about all that,” she said. “I don’t understand why he didn’t show that right away.”

When asked to clarify her doubts during press availability after the event, Hartzler said: “I have doubts that it is really his real birth certificate, and I think a lot of Americans do, but they claim it is, so we are just going to go with that.”

That is one way of “confirming” that people have asked you about Barack Obama’s birth certificate being a fake, by telling them you think it probably is! But be nice for one time, mean old Wonkette, Hartzler did say that that is not even the issue:

Hartzler declined to say whether she believes Obama is a U.S. citizen, calling the issue “irrelevant” and said people should “focus attention on his specific policies and not his birth certificate.”

There we go. Bad policies. Barack Obama has bad policies, that is the important thing. So what sort of policies does Vicky Hartzler have, according to this same meeting with her constituents?

Well for one thing, Great Britain’s film industry is not doing enough to villainize the U.S.’s second-largest trading partner:

“We need to have a new 007 James Bond movie with China as the bad guys,” she said, citing a report she read recently. “China has the largest spy network. They are stealing our intelligence from our corporations … it has the largest industrial espionage and stealing theft in history.”

So get on that, Britain! The United States will handle all of China’s non-stealing theft. Deal? [POLITICO/Sedalia Democrat]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 188 comments }

OC_Surf_Serf April 10, 2012 at 9:05 am

…focus attention on his specific policies and not his birth certificate.

Why the fuck wasn't that her answer the when he first asked????

Sue4466 April 10, 2012 at 9:27 am

Too busy tuning her dog whistle.

Deportably_Jose April 10, 2012 at 9:41 am

Because it's only ever the answer when the press asks a politician if they're seriously suggesting that the president is an illegal immigrant who committed fraud, and it's never the answer when a constituent expresses concern that the president is a dangerous muslim foreigner, who, not to belabor the point, is black.

Seriously, it's almost like you're new to this.

actor212 April 10, 2012 at 9:51 am

Because she's a fucking idiot.

/ SASQ

tessiee April 10, 2012 at 9:52 am

Because she doesn't know what his specific policies are?

Serolf_Divad April 10, 2012 at 10:25 am

Because skepticism of Obama's birth certificate is the new Tea Party lunatic litmus test.

Designer_Rants April 10, 2012 at 11:59 am

New?

Callyson April 10, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Snark off…because this way she gets the "best" of both worlds: she can pander to the idiots who buy into the birther crap, but then backs away from it before anyone can call her out for doing so.

Bitch.

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 9:06 am

I think we should have a new James Bond movie with Republicans as the bad guys, just like they are in real life.

Deportably_Jose April 10, 2012 at 11:03 am
Barb April 10, 2012 at 9:06 am

“I don’t understand why he didn’t show that right away.”

He was waiting for the 43 Presidents before him to show theirs.

HippieEsq April 10, 2012 at 9:16 am

Kenyans are notoriously slow.

Barb April 10, 2012 at 9:21 am

Um, have you ever watched the Olympics or the Boston Marathon?

HippieEsq April 10, 2012 at 9:27 am

Thats irrelevant. Focus on the bad (Kenyan socialist) policies already you ignorant sheep.

(and of course I have…my sarcasm is not that serendipitous Barb)

Barb April 10, 2012 at 9:35 am

"baa"

FakaktaSouth April 10, 2012 at 9:30 am

OH MY GOSH Speaking of the Olympics, did you see that 86 year old lady do German Gymanastics on Colbert though? holy smokes I have a new hero…

Barb April 10, 2012 at 9:32 am

Wasn't that great Fakakta? Tune in to Colbert on April 11th (tomorrow) to see Michelle Obama!

Designer_Rants April 10, 2012 at 12:01 pm

I loved his whole "Shame Spiral" bit, especially the graphics.

tessiee April 10, 2012 at 10:00 am

Kipchoge Keino libel!

[not sure of the correct spelling of his name, though]

freakishlywrong April 10, 2012 at 9:18 am

But they're not racists.

Gleem McShineys April 10, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Correct!
They're black presidentists. It has absolutely nothing to do with his race.

Lucidamente1 April 10, 2012 at 9:07 am

Goldfinger II: The Stupid, it Burns

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 9:15 am

"Choose your next insipid statement carefully, Ms. Hartzler, it may be your last."

Baconzgood April 10, 2012 at 9:21 am

Do you expect me to show you my birth certificate Goldfinger?

tessiee April 10, 2012 at 9:23 am

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.
*pets white cat*

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 9:25 am

No, Mr Obama. I expect you to DIE turn this country into a Socialist Muslim Paradise!

tessiee April 10, 2012 at 9:25 am

Has anyone else seen the cartoon where the guy with the shaved head and the eyepatch is lying on the psychiatrist's couch, and the psychiatrist is saying to him: "But surely you now see that always *telling James Bond what you're going to do* is just part of a self-defeating pattern"?

HobbesEvilTwin April 10, 2012 at 9:07 am

Well of course nobama's policies are bad; In case you haven't noticed, he's blah.

An_Outhouse April 10, 2012 at 9:11 am

All this time I thought he was using Bonmer's tanning booth.

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 9:27 am

Wouldn't he have to pay the tanning tax then? I think that's what Allen West said…

Fare la Volpe April 10, 2012 at 9:43 am

And that's the real racism.

FraAnima April 10, 2012 at 10:28 am

Upfist for Stephanie Miller/Frank Devlin reference.

Texan_Bulldog April 10, 2012 at 9:08 am

Looks like Wonkette just needs a weekly summarized posting that lists all the RW birthers–something like "Birther Loons of the Week".

And won't standing next to Phyllis Schlafly dry up your uterus?

tessiee April 10, 2012 at 9:25 am

If you're lucky.

MissTaken April 10, 2012 at 9:52 am

Just seeing her pictures dries up mine, so I can only imagine what standing next to her does.

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 9:55 am

You think it's bad on a uterus, imagine the effect of standing next to her if you are in possession of a penis.

OC_Surf_Serf April 10, 2012 at 9:08 am

Jeez…another Southern politician with all the depth of a youtube comment…

FakaktaSouth April 10, 2012 at 9:33 am

NONONONONONONO Missouri is not in the South – I don't give a shit what the NCAA says, it is not the south. Racist, yes, Mormon Jesus' second coming return flight destination, yes, southern, no. Not taking this lady, sorry. We got our hands full.

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 9:46 am

Meh. It was a slave state and contested between the Union and the CSA during the Civil War, so it's "Southern."

FakaktaSouth April 10, 2012 at 9:52 am

Holy shit. If all it takes is legalized slavery then you have an entire country of the south. Slavery wasn't even illegal in New York til 1827. The incessant need to act like there are only racists in the south is a bunch of bullshit. But if it makes y'all feel better, carry the fuck on I guess.

Chet Kincaid April 10, 2012 at 9:49 am

Part of the Confederacy Hon, can't leave it on our doorstep! Although it literally is on Illinois' doorstep.

FakaktaSouth April 10, 2012 at 10:17 am

Here I go – I find it interesting that people ENJOY how much they hate the south the exact same way racists feel better than whatever race they aren't. I haven't seen people getting off on talking about how fucking southern, I mean racist, Benton Harbor Michigan is and that is THE MOST racist shit I have seen in government since Bull Connor. It's the way people automatically feel superior when it's here, everywhere else is what? Still America.

elviouslyqueer April 10, 2012 at 10:31 am

This. All of it. Love you, Fakakta.

Chet Kincaid April 10, 2012 at 11:45 am

Come on, FakaktaSouth, I'm not that stupid.

Chet Kincaid April 10, 2012 at 11:48 am

You mean the North and West are not America's racial paradise? I will have to look into this new information, as it changes my entire worldview, having grown up an lived in the North, in the 2 most segregated cities in the United States.

Chet Kincaid April 10, 2012 at 11:51 am

As far as I'm concerned, everything outside of Illinois is the South, including Wisconsin, Michigan, Indiana, Minnesota and Ohio. This is where the Union makes its last stand!!

(Being extra-obnoxious to make a serious point.)

elviouslyqueer April 10, 2012 at 10:33 am

True, Chet, but then again so was Texas. And believe me, Texans don't consider themselves Southern AT ALL. They are, and will always be, citizens of the sovereign by G-d Republic of Texas.

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 9:50 pm

And, yet, you still hear Yankee used as a slur, and only against anyone they believe to be from the North. Yeah, Texas isn't Southern…until they meet someone from New York City, and then it's all Yee-Haw and wrapping themselves in the Confederate flag.

bagofmice April 10, 2012 at 10:12 am

"I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah."

Chet Kincaid April 10, 2012 at 1:22 pm

It seems to me that Fakakta and EQ's beef downthread is with you saying that this is somehow typical of southern politicians, when shit like this comes from all over the country, particularly the West.

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 9:08 am

"Well for one thing, Great Britain’s film industry is not doing enough to villainize the U.S.’s second-largest trading partner:"

I'm quite certain that she is not even cognizant of the fact that the Bond movies are British. In fact, she probably could not find England on a map of the British Isles.

tessiee April 10, 2012 at 10:05 am

I have my doubts as to whether she could find Missouri on a map.

biblioteq_tress April 10, 2012 at 10:12 am

But can she see it from her house?

glamourdammerung April 10, 2012 at 9:09 am

The worst part about this is that our society has gotten to the point where pig ignorant people do not feel ashamed to show how incredibly stupid they are.

Baconzgood April 10, 2012 at 9:19 am

Welcome to NASCAR America.

freakishlywrong April 10, 2012 at 9:20 am

That's exactly what I was thinking. We need a real media to point out what ignorant fools these assholes are. They should be hissed at and shamed, shoes should be thrown. Instead, they get invited on the Sunday "News" shows.

DerrickWildcat April 10, 2012 at 9:09 am

“We need to have a new 007 James Bond movie with China as the bad guys,”

This of course would never see the light of day since China has become an enormous audience of Hollywood movies.

An_Outhouse April 10, 2012 at 9:09 am

This can't be. According to the some retard on the Diane Rehm show last Friday, birthers are a tiny, insignificant, element in the party. Certainly not elected officials.

ttommyunger April 10, 2012 at 9:10 am

OMG! That picture! CUNT OVERLOAD, CUNT OVERLOAD!

mrpuma2u April 10, 2012 at 11:07 am

And where did she get that horrible outfit? Off of one of Phylis Schlafly's dead friends???

SheriffJoeBiden April 10, 2012 at 9:10 am

We know that China is "stealing our intelligence from our corporations," but who is stealing Vicky Hartzler's intelligence from Vicky Hartzler?

tessiee April 10, 2012 at 10:04 am

You're assuming she had it to steal?

JackDempsey1 April 10, 2012 at 9:10 am

The blonde leading the blind.

HippieEsq April 10, 2012 at 9:11 am

This will be the new Masthead slogan for Politico:

"they claim it is, so we are just going to go with that."

tessiee April 10, 2012 at 9:29 am

Much more succinct than their previous slogan:

“I’m sure you are aware of the information that’s floating around the Internet, and I’d like to give you the opportunity to respond to the Obama birth certificate issue and the activist role in that — is there a valid birth certificate? Is there not? Frankly, I haven’t looked into it but I see it’s out there. I just wondered if you want to make a statement on that”

Baconzgood April 10, 2012 at 9:12 am

To be honest I really don't think I could produce my birth certificate. I have no idea where it is. I'm sure I have a copy somewhere but the original long form….I don't think they even have those in my state. So this birther thing is beyond stupid.

Texan_Bulldog April 10, 2012 at 9:18 am

You mean you don't keep it in your 'baby book' so you can whip it out anytime someone asks to see it? (From the Politico article.) Dumb bitch probably doesn't know where hers is, either.

tessiee April 10, 2012 at 9:31 am

Well, of *course* bacon whips it out any time someone asks to see it!
Oh, you meant his birth certificate.

Baconzgood April 10, 2012 at 9:35 am

The magistrate said I'm not allowed to do that anymore.

Dashboard Buddha April 10, 2012 at 10:09 am

Many people got the blues when Barry whipped out his 10" record…of his birth.

Mumbletypeg April 10, 2012 at 10:17 am

Yeah, the "baby book" reference, I was gonna say.. Right there told me more about this fruitcake's frame of mind than anything else she says. Still makes me want to go bang my head against a wall a few more times though~

freakishlywrong April 10, 2012 at 9:22 am

When I got my passport, I received a "certificate of live birth" from a hospital that no longer exists, my name was listed as "baby girl" and my feet were blurry. I got a DOD clearance.

Fare la Volpe April 10, 2012 at 9:59 am

My name was listed as "baby girl"

So YOU'RE the one all those Motown songs were about!

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 9:23 am

I don't know where mine is, and I think I'm going to have to go down and pay $40 (or however much in the hell Michigan is charging for the things, now), soon, for a copy.

Baconzgood April 10, 2012 at 9:25 am

Especially you. You're black you know, and therefore have to have it on your person ALL the time.

Fare la Volpe April 10, 2012 at 10:05 am

But how do we know he didn't steal it off some white person's bike?

Baconzgood April 10, 2012 at 9:14 am

Tough talk from a Home-Ec teacher.

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 9:14 am

Ah, the birther card. They keep it right there in their backpocket just in case the economy gets too strong. Because, remember, the economy is still getting better…but the president is still black.

Because, it'd be irresponsible not to speculate, right? Oh, Ms. Vicky. You poor, stupid fool, you.

OobyDoobyDoo April 10, 2012 at 9:15 am

“China has the largest spy network. They are stealing our intelligence from our corporations … it has the largest industrial espionage and stealing theft in history.”

I saw that episode of Spooks too, Vicky!

tessiee April 10, 2012 at 9:37 am

"it has the largest industrial espionage and stealing theft in history"

I'd be inclined to think that the largest "stealing theft" (as opposed to a fibbing theft or run over somebody's kid and keep driving theft?) in history would be the massive, unprecedented transfer of wealth and productivity to the 1% that's been going on for the past 30 years, but everybody seems pretty much OK with that, so maybe it's just me.

ChernobylSoup April 10, 2012 at 9:16 am

Excuse me bitch, but it's Obama that men want to be and women want to be with.

ManchuCandidate April 10, 2012 at 9:19 am

I'm sure that US America's, um, vaunted intelligence agencies have been sitting on their ass when dealing with Chinese espionage for at least two decades. Thanks James Bond and Entertainment Tonight for highlighting that…

/sigh/

SorosBot April 10, 2012 at 9:20 am

Hey, I'm getting normal comments again instead of the squiggly aliens! Good.

And, once again, the birth certificate bullshit doesn't matter, because Obama would be a US Citizen if he was born on the moon, since his mother was a US Citizen; we know what you mean birthers, that you don't consider him to be a real US Citizen because he's black.

Barb April 10, 2012 at 9:28 am

Those squiggly aliens are the Wonkette people who have yet to show their long form birth certificate.

MissTaken April 10, 2012 at 9:55 am

Some of my best friends are squiggly aliens.

SorosBot April 10, 2012 at 10:04 am

Some of your best friends? You were a squiggly alien this morning, too!

MissTaken April 10, 2012 at 10:09 am

That's impossible. I'm a white, no one would ever accuse me of being an alien.

ManchuCandidate April 10, 2012 at 9:21 am

Birf Certificate, the new dog whistle for morans.

FakaktaSouth April 10, 2012 at 9:22 am

So this lady is saying she REALLY REALLY believes the Pres is perpetrating one of the biggest frauds of all time possible ever – breaking a major law and infiltrating our borders with his foreign-foreign-ness, "but they claim it is, so we are just going to go with that.” ??? Any body else feel like stealing a bunch of stuff from this lady and then claiming it is yours? She doesn't seem to have terribly strong crime-fighting convictions. OR maybe…just MAYbe she's a big old lying liar pandering racist who wants to maintain her cred with the "Civil Rights Patrol" in her neighborhood? So, yeah, the Pres is a big old liar but she's got her eye on him, don't you worry.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 10, 2012 at 9:32 am

Sort of like how the True Patriots howl about Obama's TREASON and say that the answer is to vote him out. Genuine treason is a capital crime, so if they really love America, they should be upfront about it and bring a federal case, and ask for the firing squad.

Barb April 10, 2012 at 9:38 am

Yes, Fakakta! And to think that Bill and Hillary fell for it.

deanbooth April 10, 2012 at 9:22 am

"I don't want you to talk, Ms. Hartzler, I want you to [redacted by the administrator]."

Dudleydidwrong April 10, 2012 at 9:58 am

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't even want to redact her. That stoopid might be catching.

bagofmice April 10, 2012 at 9:22 am

I am thinking that 2 hours of Bond writing perl scripts to grep server logs to detect unauthorized traffic patterns would be somewhat boring.

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 9:31 am

I don't know what the fuck any of that means, but I upfisted you anyway, because I'm sure if I understood, it would be funny as hell.

bagofmice April 10, 2012 at 10:25 am

Something like this. http://planet-source-code.com/vb/scripts/ShowCode

If that looks even more boring and tedious, then my analogy is complete.

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 10:30 am

You're work here is done, Kemosabe.

johnedens April 10, 2012 at 9:57 am

Do you expect me to find data on Asian resource usage and extraction trends by searching a decade worth of public records?

No Mister Bond, I expect you to die…

comrad_darkness April 10, 2012 at 11:26 am

If, however, James used Python, it would be very exiting.

Gleem McShineys April 10, 2012 at 1:09 pm

No, Mister Bond, I expect (self) to die!

Baconzgood April 10, 2012 at 9:24 am

I wish they would make more movies about midgets break dancing with orangutans in fedora hats.

AddHomonym April 10, 2012 at 11:15 am

"More"?

x111e7thst April 10, 2012 at 9:24 am

Dear Ms Hartzler,
You will never replace Michele Bachmann in my heart. Your eyes do not bug out enough. Good try though.
Sincerely,
X111

weejee April 10, 2012 at 9:25 am

New 007 flick? How about "Prissy Galore," staring Phyllis Schlafly in the role of Rep. Vicky Hartzler and Jesse Ventura in the role of Rep. She1ey Bachmann?

Mumbletypeg April 10, 2012 at 9:30 am

I understand Rep. Hartzler's dilemma in ascertaining veracity. True fact this morning: in my right hand I held a Pop-Tart®, freshly unwrapped for breakfast. In my left, an oatmeal cookie from a vendor at the farmer's market, also for breakfast.. The co-worker assessing my snack setup wanted to know more about the cookie's veracity, even though she's aware that I of course have no clue to its origin other than some nice lady at the Market. The absence of label and brand-name were troubling to my co-worker, who ventured that one could not know where this cookie's been! It merits suspicion, without the corresponding PopTart®'s authenticity warranted by its registered trademark, vast brand recognition — >> ergo, uncontestable superiority to the lumpy, raisin-studded morsel contrasting it.

I'd like to say that I responded with a stellar testimonial to the appeal of home-baked cookies, how even Girl Scouts' overload their w/ sugar and preservatives, and that natural, oat-y flavor needs only minimal sweetener to taste good despite its lowly, misshapen appearance…
But I just handed her the PopTart® instead since I figured, if that's what she was really after, it would shut her up. Most arguments on behalf of reason are wasted on those who are more obssessed w/ the wrapper than the contents within.

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 9:36 am

I'm afraid to ask what you're having for lunch.

ChernobylSoup April 10, 2012 at 9:39 am

I totally see your point, but if Girl Scouts start making oatmeal cookies when will they have time for abortions?

freakishlywrong April 10, 2012 at 9:48 am

I take it your co-worker is a wingtard.

Mumbletypeg April 10, 2012 at 10:02 am

I haven't figured what, or if, her politics *are.*.. I'd noticed at our potluck lunches (maybe 3x a year) she steers clear of homebaked goods, instead selecting only the store-bought chicken wings & the prepackaged brownie-bites. Folks are entitled to their preferences! I feel bad for her deprived palate… there are many examples among numerous office-mates of similar culinary avoidances. Yet Richmond is so packed w/ great local restaurants & markets, the ones that thrive indicate that support for local & original offerings is alive & well.

not that Dewey April 10, 2012 at 10:15 am

I feel bad for her deprived palate

I feel bad for her kidneys, liver, and immune system.

glamourdammerung April 10, 2012 at 10:22 am

I feel bad for her kidneys, liver, and immune system.

IMMUNE SYSTEMS ARE A LIBERAL LIE!1!!11!1!!!

Baconzgood April 10, 2012 at 10:00 am

What flavor Pop Tart?

Mumbletypeg April 10, 2012 at 10:12 am

Cherry!

Baconzgood April 10, 2012 at 10:26 am

I got the moral of that story. "I had a pop tart and gave it away ergo I'm trying to get a piece of ass off the co worker or I'm insane". No man parts from his pop tart.

bagofmice April 10, 2012 at 10:20 am

She's so sweet, makes you wanna lick the (w)rapper.
-lil Wayne

tessiee April 10, 2012 at 10:26 am

"The absence of label and brand-name were troubling to my co-worker, who ventured that one could not know where this cookie's been!"

Is your co-worker one of those people who will die if someone eats a peanut?

Mumbletypeg April 10, 2012 at 11:04 am

It's more a lack-of-exposure, I think, than overexposure to something deemed 'toxic' or foreign. I've mentioned here in the past my other co-worker who has expressed that "the only Chinese 'takeout' I've ever eaten is taken from a Stouffers box into the microwave!" and she had worked here 27 years, right around the corner from any number of downtown dining options from Chinese, Japanese, sushi.. These co-workers share some kind of aversion to the idea of foodstuff prepared by an 'imported' (read: "unfamiliar") means of execution, or procured from a dirt-floored marketplace. My cookie was wrapperless and looked 'odd,' not like the misnomer'd "Grandma's Famous" or whatever prepackaged Oatmeal Cake looking things that my [younger] co-worker finds some kind of safety or security in confining herself to.
I feel like a food snob at times & have to remind myself it's often under-exposure, these folks who eat nothing but frozen din's and boxed mac& cheese etc., as much as any weird bias or aversion.

George Spelvin April 10, 2012 at 3:05 pm

That's, that's beautiful, man

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 10, 2012 at 9:30 am

I know a guy who is a birther. He is hilarious because his parents are from India (he was raised in Texas, of course) and he might actually be browner than obama. But he is also clean and very articulate! A real credit to his race!

ManchuCandidate April 10, 2012 at 9:31 am

Nobody does it nuttier
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as mad as you
Birfers, you're the worst

I wasn't lookin' but somehow you found it
It tried to hide from your nut light
But like the stupid around you
Think the sleeper who rules you
Is stealin' all the top secrets tonight

And nobody does it nuttier
Though sometimes I wish someone could
Nobody does it quite the way you do
Why'd you have to be so nuts?

Doktor StrangeZoom April 10, 2012 at 9:34 am

I wonder if China has thought to thwart James Bond by making sure that all of their ventilation ducts are too small to crawl through

Joshua Norton April 10, 2012 at 9:35 am

I want proof that the white lady wasn't born in Sweden. And don't try to pass off anything as obvious as the birth certificate the actual state you were born in issued. I'm too smart to accept "official documents" as proof of anything.

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 9:35 am

“We need to have a new 007 James Bond movie with China as the bad guys,”

Yes, we've spent the last 10 years focusing on the evil that is brown people; time to go ahead and concentrate on the Yellow Peril for a while.

el_donaldo April 10, 2012 at 10:03 am

Well, Fu Manchu did have that secret immortal potion, so he is probably still around hatching nefarious plots against noble Western Christians. Maybe James Bond could fight him.

mavenmaven April 10, 2012 at 10:29 am

"007-The Return of Odd Job"

Goonemeritus April 10, 2012 at 9:35 am

Vicky Hartzler’s right we should focus on policies and not distract ourselves with things that may never be resolved. I’m sure Vicky would rather her electorate focus on her voting record than say whether or not she murdered several hobos and has or has not served dip in their skulls at Super Bowl parties.

SpiderCrab April 10, 2012 at 9:37 am

With their unslakable thirst for intelligence from our American institutions, the Chinese may very well, in a moment of foolishness, tap into the GOP congressional delegation. Then we got 'em!

outragedcitizen April 10, 2012 at 9:37 am

"Stupid is as stupid does."

Barrelhse April 10, 2012 at 9:40 am

Miss Vicki, you need to go back to Tiny Tim now.
Also, try a remedial course: Speaking Literate English.

Baconzgood April 10, 2012 at 9:41 am

The birther people….I don't know….Can someone explain them to me. Do they huff too much spray paint? Is this some sort of joke I'm not getting? I just don't understand what this is about. No one ever asked any other POTUS this kinda crap. I understand if it's some hick in Alabama who gets his news from short wave radio but this is an elected representative in the United States House. Is she pandering and if she is how many votes will she lose looking like a dope vs how many will she gain spouting this shit? These people in Congress really can't be THAT stupid. Please show me the logic behind it?

(This comment is 100% snark free)

freakishlywrong April 10, 2012 at 9:47 am

The President is near. That is all. No accomplishment, ideas, achievement can change that. From Mumblety's post above:
Most arguments on behalf of reason are wasted on those who are more obssessed w/ the wrapper than the contents within. .

Chill-A-Sketch April 10, 2012 at 9:41 am

“We need to have a new 007 James Bond movie with China as the bad guys.”

Vicky Hartzler, worst Bond girl since Denise Richards in "The World is Not Enough."

mavenmaven April 10, 2012 at 9:41 am

Lie lie lie, that's all the Repubs do all day, and they seem to get away with it. And cf this http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/10/nyregion/report

Doktor StrangeZoom April 10, 2012 at 10:24 am

See also Paul Krugman on the House Republican budget's smoke and mirrors, and the false equivalence of depicting it as a "reasonable side" in budget discussions, rather than the radical restructuring of the economy that it is intended to be.

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 9:43 am

I'm not sure how three+ years of this is "new". Well, I guess relative to other conspiracy theories.

Preferred Customer April 10, 2012 at 9:47 am

Wouldn't work, anyway. James Bond films don't have the power to change reality. I mean, they made Tomorrow Never Dies and yet Murdoch is still creeping around.

anniegetyerfun April 10, 2012 at 9:47 am

She's not wrong about China's spy network, but she's wrong to think that Chinese spies (many of them boring academics) would make good Bond villains.

tessiee April 10, 2012 at 9:48 am

Part 1:

They will never let this go — not ever.

Not more than two days ago, I got an email from an acquaintance forwarding me an article by some black guy who doesn't like Obama (thereby proving that there's *absolutely no racism* involved in the rabid foaming at the mouth that wingnuts do at the very mention of his name).

I suppose one could make the argument that anyone who is still beating that drum this late in the game isn't likely to be persuaded by any evidence, but I didn't want to let it go, either.

tessiee April 10, 2012 at 9:49 am

Part 2:

From the little I remember of this person, I thought she was… well-intentioned, if dim; so I wrote back saying, "You should know that I voted for President Obama last time and intend to vote for him next time. I like him, I respect him, and I think he's doing a good job as President. I think you should skip me on the anti-Obama emails".

No, the repeated use of the word "President" did not sink in. No, the *actual text* of the message did not sink in. Her response was something along the lines of, "All REAL AMURRKANS need to know that Obummerz is a PATHOLOGICAL LIER, and a SOCIALIST, AND A COMMUNIST, AND A NAZI, PLAYING THE RACE CARD, LIES TO THE AMURRICAN PUBLIC, WHARRRGARRBL…" It's like they turn on Fox once, and their mind is replaced a la "Invasion of the Body Snatchers".

PS. Note how unfair; other people post comments way longer than this (I'm looking at YOU, Chichi!) without having to split them into two comments.

Baconzgood April 10, 2012 at 9:57 am

"All REAL AMURRKANS need to know that Obummerz is a PATHOLOGICAL LIER, and a SOCIALIST, AND A COMMUNIST, AND A NAZI, PLAYING THE RACE CARD, LIES TO THE AMURRICAN PUBLIC, WHARRRGARRBL…"

You know my ex father-in-law? Small world.

Texan_Bulldog April 10, 2012 at 10:26 am

I've had to politely request that someone leave me off their political email list. I hate to do it because it forever taints the relationship but enough is enough. At least with FB, I can just delete/block people.

mavenmaven April 10, 2012 at 10:33 am

Splitting your message in two gets you twice the p-points!

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 10:35 am

Then

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 10:35 am

This

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 10:35 am

Should

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 10:35 am

Get me

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 10:35 am

Over

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 10:36 am

The

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 10:36 am

130p hurdle!

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 10:47 am

Burma Shave.

Chichikovovich April 10, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Note how unfair; other people post comments way longer than this (I'm looking at YOU, Chichi!) without having to split them into two comments.

I know other Wonketteers are jealous and I can understand that, but I'm frankly a little disappointed that my super-power turned out to be "is able to post long single messages on Wonkette". I first asked for x-ray vision, of course, but they said that power didn't really exist because something something laws of nature. So I asked to be able to be the first commenter whenever I wanted to be, but they said they'd already given that to Barb. So then I asked for a portfolio of glamour photos of the women who post on Wonkette, but they said that wasn't really a super-power. So I foolishly said, "Oh, forget it, just give me what you can."

If I had thought a bit longer I'd be able to extend my p-ness at will right now.

actor212 April 10, 2012 at 9:50 am

"We don't demand solid facts! What we demand is the total ABSENCE of solid facts! I demand that I may, or may not be, Hartzler!"

tessiee April 10, 2012 at 9:54 am

“I don’t understand why he didn’t show that right away.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYlDbv7MqE8

Chet Kincaid April 10, 2012 at 9:56 am

It's not simply "he's black, we hate him, so he's lying about his birth certificate." It's, "he is packing so much 'exotic other', how is it possible that he ever got elected President? There must be some vast and complex conspiracy that explains how our white country was deceived into electing him — nobody we know possesses that much goodwill!"

CapnFatback April 10, 2012 at 11:17 am

"he is packing so much 'exotic other'

There you go, perpetuating another lurid stereotype. And I bet when you unzip him and let the real Barack Obama out, he's plenty stiff too.

Chet Kincaid April 10, 2012 at 11:38 am

"Packing" necessarily means dick size? Says more about you than me! Barack could be packing heat! Oops, that's just another metaphor for dick size.

CapnFatback April 10, 2012 at 11:44 am

Today, we are all metaphors for dick size.

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 10:00 am

Let's see, names for Hartzler's Bond movie…

Stupid is Forever
Stupid Never Dies
The Spy Who Laughed at Me

Barb April 10, 2012 at 10:07 am

A View to a Buzzkill.

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 10:09 am

Licence to Kill Chinks and Gooks

ElPinche April 10, 2012 at 10:16 am

Dr. Dumb Ho
You Only Queef Twice

BaldarTFlagass April 10, 2012 at 10:19 am

Birfers Are Forever
The Long Form is Not Enough
From Jakarta With Love

Abbystinence April 10, 2012 at 10:09 am

Well after all, Missouri is the "Show Me State."

ElPinche April 10, 2012 at 10:10 am

Obama should send a 8.5" x 11" photo of dead bin Laden to this dumb bash .
Signed "Dear pandering moron, Here's my birth certificate . -Love Nobama."

OneYieldRegular April 10, 2012 at 10:14 am

"I urge my constituents to remember that Bond film that featured the evil Russian, Rosa Klebb, and how the Berlin Wall fell just two decades later, ending the Soviet Union."

MissTaken April 10, 2012 at 10:15 am

That picture reminds me to burn all pastel colored blazers and jaunty little scarves. I don't actually own any of that crap, but if I see it I will burn it.

ifthethunderdontgetya April 10, 2012 at 10:20 am

Speaking of pictures…

Here's your Human Centipede for today.
~

randcoolcatdaddy April 10, 2012 at 10:22 am

Why do I get the feeling that she regularly has lunch with NC Rep Virginia Foxx?

biblioteq_tress April 10, 2012 at 10:23 am

Boring. Wingnuts, think up something new. Maybe demand the President's marriage license. Then, Hartzler could insist FLOTUS drop trou to prove they are not hiding a gay marriage. Then she could whine about why Ms. Obama did not expose herself earlier.

WiscDad April 10, 2012 at 10:28 am

'stealing our intelligence from our corporations'? Are you fucking kidding me…corporations are falling all over themselves to SELL it to China.

rickmaci April 10, 2012 at 10:32 am

Oh sweet jeebuz, I believe she thinks James Bond is REAL!

iburl April 10, 2012 at 10:33 am

You have to admit, "stealing theft" is the worst kind of theft.

Gleem McShineys April 10, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Traffic stop slavery theft is definitely worse.

Deportably_Jose April 10, 2012 at 10:35 am

“We need to have a new 007 James Bond movie with China as the bad guys,” she said, citing a report she read recently. “China has the largest spy network. They are stealing our intelligence from our corporations … it has the largest industrial espionage and stealing theft in history.”

Perhaps, but do you really think Hollywood is ready introduce as transgressively original and innovative a notion as as some sort of "yellow" menace? Frankly, I rather doubt it.

DahBoner April 10, 2012 at 11:03 am

I hear banjo music…

comrad_darkness April 10, 2012 at 11:20 am

The crazy hasn't changed in politics, but the will to keep crazy hidden sure has.

WordSaladNation April 10, 2012 at 11:23 am

Who knew that Vicki would grow up to be such a bitch?

owhatever April 10, 2012 at 11:54 am

Oily Titz totally scores!

Troglodeity April 10, 2012 at 12:10 pm

“We need to have a new 007 James Bond movie with China as the bad guys."

Thank God we had all those old Bond movies with SPECTRE, Janus and Auric Goldfinger as the bad guys, or else they'd all have taken over the United States by now.

thefrontpage April 10, 2012 at 12:27 pm

The Tazmanian Daily News
April 10, 2012
By Johnathan Milton Bradley

Tazmanian officials said today, Tuesday, April 10, 2012, that U.S. Rep. Vicky Harzler was indeed born in Tazmania, to Tazmanian parents, she is not a naturalized U.S. citizen, and she is legally unable to hold any political office in the United States. "We have Vicky Hartzler's official birth certificate, and it confirms that she was indeed born in Tazmania, at the Tazmania Memorial Hospital," said Damian Adrian Beezlebub, the Tazmanian High Priest of Public Health and Prime Minister of Hospitals. "She is not a U.S. citizen. She is a Tazmanian citizen."

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Needz more "s"s.

Slim_Pickins April 10, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Looks like the Chinese stole her "intelligence" early on.

BarackMyWorld April 10, 2012 at 3:08 pm

They don't understand why he didn't release it sooner…as if their reaction to the release (both of them) doesn't answer that question by itself.

WonkCynic April 13, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Stupid cunt should come out and tell the truth. She doesn't THINK it is fake. She KNOWS it is fake. They all do. If it was real it would say Osama. Not Obama.

FakaktaSouth April 10, 2012 at 10:39 am

Oh EQ, I love you too. I get my feelings hurt sometimes at the piling on, I guess. I just don't know anyone from MO who would say they were southern either.

BerkeleyBear April 10, 2012 at 11:56 am

Then you haven't met the yokels I have. Or their cousins in greater Kentuckiana (basically all of Indiana south of Marion County except parts of Bloomington and maybe Evansville). Who claim to proudly be part of the South (although being a racist hick is not a matter of geography but mindset).

Designer_Rants April 10, 2012 at 12:11 pm

And now, along with the bad birf cert when things are going better, why not just take credit for the good stuff? http://nyti.ms/ImHDdR

FakaktaSouth April 10, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Aight you, be as obnoxious as you would like, it only serves to make me love you more. SECOND – if ANYone says you are stupid I would kick their ass, so you KNOW this is not what I was doing and FINALLY – this is not my point, that oh, you don't know what racism is like blah blah. WHAT I AM SAYING IS – Liberals, assholes, Yankees, people not "From Here" like a lot of the folks here, LOOOOOOVE to shit on the south as a collective group of fucking idiots that are all this way. I think it is a bunch of bullshit that closely resembles what racists do when they talk about how you know how "those" people are, whether it's black people, Jewish people, or ANY group in particular and some mornings when I have had more caffeine than sex I am not in the mood to be painted with that broad of a brush by a bunch of people doing what they are shitting on others for. I do not try to apologize for anything, I see the place for what it is, but I am not going to revel in "oh yeah, what a shock, those people"…you want to say "racist southerners" and qualify that shit? By all means, be my guest.

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