There were so very many “Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker just being a fucking dick for no good reason” stories all weekend, we kind of figured we would just hide out until it was done and then blame it on the Easter holiday. Really, where to even start? How about: Scott Walker does not want to be governor anymore, and is desperate for you to break up with him.
Why else, when facing a recall, would he sign a bill repealing equal pay for equal work? Despite what Don Pridemore thinks, there are not enough abused wives in the state to actually make that a winning proposition. Nope. He’s looking to bang a truck-stop waitress, and he’s too much of a pussy to just up and move out Snowbilly Grifter-style, so he’s doing everything he can to bring on a breakup: just staying out all night, being cold and withdrawn, biting your fucking head off if you ask if something’s wrong, and wrapping it all up in a nice bow of You’re Crazy. Then, when you’ve finally heard your mom and all your girlfriends the 50th time they told you, and at last come to your senses, he’ll be really sorry and agree it’s for the best, and wish balefully he could’ve been the man you needed. Help a brother out. Let him go get some of that sweet sweet private industry dough and a young blonde chippy. You? You’re gonna have you a girls’ night out, get all kindsa drunk on Zimas, sing “I Will Survive” horribly and off-key, make out with some union thug or other, and feel like a million bucks. You don’t need a governor like that. You’ve got YOU!