Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker Just Pretty Much Saying ‘Eat Me’ At This Point

  D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Starter husbandThere were so very many “Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker just being a fucking dick for no good reason” stories all weekend, we kind of figured we would just hide out until it was done and then blame it on the Easter holiday. Really, where to even start? How about: Scott Walker does not want to be governor anymore, and is desperate for you to break up with him.

Why else, when facing a recall, would he sign a bill repealing equal pay for equal work? Despite what Don Pridemore thinks, there are not enough abused wives in the state to actually make that a winning proposition. Nope. He’s looking to bang a truck-stop waitress, and he’s too much of a pussy to just up and move out Snowbilly Grifter-style, so he’s doing everything he can to bring on a breakup: just staying out all night, being cold and withdrawn, biting your fucking head off if you ask if something’s wrong, and wrapping it all up in a nice bow of You’re Crazy. Then, when you’ve finally heard your mom and all your girlfriends the 50th time they told you, and at last come to your senses, he’ll be really sorry and agree it’s for the best, and wish balefully he could’ve been the man you needed. Help a brother out. Let him go get some of that sweet sweet private industry dough and a young blonde chippy. You? You’re gonna have you a girls’ night out, get all kindsa drunk on Zimas, sing “I Will Survive” horribly and off-key, make out with some union thug or other, and feel like a million bucks. You don’t need a governor like that. You’ve got YOU!

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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178 comments

  1. Texan_Bulldog

    Scottie: It's not you; it's me.
    WI: No shit, Sherlock! And stay away from my bunny.

  2. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I think Walker is a very good example of why you should NOT press on the soft spots on a new born baby's head.

    1. Sparky McGruff

      Scottie is the perfect example of why pregnant women shouldn't do shots of tequila every night during their first trimester.

      1. flamingpdog

        As much as I dislike Britney Spears, I must nevertheless insist that your question is Britney Spears LIBEL!!!

  3. SayItWithWookies

    Hey — you know who else trashed everything when he concluded he would no longer be able to hold on to power?

  4. edgydrifter

    It's weird how other states think you're so hot when you're in office and they're always flirting with you and basically lifting their skirts over their heads for you, but as soon as you're back "in the private sector" none of them want you to be their governor anymore. States be trippin'.

    1. Negropolis

      Blah states legislate like this, and Wah states legislate like that. States be trippin', yo, indeed.

  5. rickmaci

    Only in GOTeaParty land would impeachment be an upward career path. SMH

    (Dear Editrix. Sorry. He didn't deserve you.)

    1. Man0nTheStreet

      Impeachment gets him face-time with all the politicians & judges he'll be constantly bribing in his next gig as a full-time Koch-whore.

    1. Trannysurprise

      And don't let them drive either. Cuts down on half the traffic and look at all the money you could save.

      1. Negropolis

        Yo, Tranny, I'm really happy for you, and Imma let you finish, but I just got to say that Saudi Arabia had the best female driving ban evah.

  6. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Scott Walker doesn't need Wisconsin. All he needs is… this ashtray. Just this ashtray and this paddle game. And this chair… And this wad of money from the Koch brothers…

    1. ManchuCandidate

      I've seen this scenario before… there'll be promises and he'll get a symbolic well paying job with a nice office and no responsibilities or real power but no coffee.

      Cause coffee's for closers not losers who are so assholish they get ejected from office before they can bear any fruits for their Kochian masters.

        1. not that Dewey

          My Fellow Wisconsinites:

          Guess what. Today I found out what my special purpose is for. Gosh what a great time I had. I wish my whole family could have been here with me. Maybe some other time as I intend to do this a lot. Every chance I get.

  7. CivicHoliday

    I am the Walker-Buddha. I do nothing (good) and everything (wrong). I achieve enlightenment through denial of reality. My jug of Koch-cum fills drop by drop. After all, "All wrong-doing arises because of mind. If mind is transformed can wrong-doing remain?"

  8. rocktonsam

    if those kids that voted in 2008, voted in 2010, Walker would still be fucking up Milwaukee County.

    Falk, Barrett and the rest can't beat Walker. Tammy Baldwin will win Senator.

    Dems gots to find someone out of the status quo.

    1. Negropolis

      Puh-leeze. I know the polls say it is close, but the momentum is against Walker, not with Walker. You could put up a ham sandwich and the advantage still goes to the challenger.

      You honestly think that undecideds are leaning toward Walker? I don't.

  9. Barb

    I hope they recall him faster than a listeria infected hot dog made by someone with hepatitis-B.

    1. CivicHoliday

      Kevin's Law will never pass when the invisible hand of Adam Smith is up the tea party's giant asshole

    2. Man0nTheStreet

      HAH!! You seem to think the USDA is some sort of responsible public agency concerned with public health over Corporate Profits… you Pinko!

  10. Blueb4sunrise

    There, there, you sweetie, come sit on Uncle Bb4's lap and tell me all about it.

  11. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Foolish liberals! As long as there are palm trees lining the streets of Madison, Scott Walker will continue to be the Koch King of Wisconsin.

  12. An_Outhouse

    Ever since welfare as we knew it ended I've had to pay twice as much for my blow jobs. Now the gals can price themselves lower than than the dudes down at the local truck stop. Thanks, Texas Ranger.

    1. Man0nTheStreet

      Well the Men have a Family to feed, whereas the Gals are just looking for the right man to come along… it says so in my Santorum Family Bible.

  13. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I have subscribed to several newsletters from various 'bagger associations, and they are all in a panic because Rasmussen shows Walker behind by six points or so….., and Hell, if Rasmussen is at six points, reality must be nearing ten.

    1. MilwaukeeKent

      Yup. Rasmussen Rule: Add 4-5 points to the GOP/Conservative side. This applies to all polls they take except those in the closing days of an election, when Rasmussen magically falls in line with the other polls.

  14. Designer_Rants

    Alright, there's like 6 links in this post to different horseshit fascism walker pulled last weekend. Does this mean even the Repigs are thinking he's outta there, so to burn the house down on his way out?

  15. BarackMyWorld

    Republicans think their SuperPAC money will make them invincible…and they might be right.

    1. Negropolis

      They better be praying to their god(s) that that belief is correct, 'cause they sure as hell will need all the money in the world to keep him lodged awkwardly in that office like a tick on a taint.

  16. Sharkey

    Every silver lining's got a
    touch of Walker

    Walker's sperm is kerosene
    He can't read he's something-teen
    It's even worse than it may seem but…

  17. JustPixelz

    In a few more months he can be Vice President. Of his fan club. 'Cause he wants to keep his distance from that dick shrinker.

  18. upthruster

    "so he’s doing everything he can to bring on a breakup"

    What would be great is if Wisconsin decided to replace Scotty with a african-american…one with a huge, obvious package.

  19. orygoon

    My new in-my-head name for this guy is Scott Frogmarch.

    I can't wait. I have relatives in Wisconsin (some are of the girl gender, even!)–I'll visit them, and we'll go early and get the front-row seats.

  20. Come here a minute

    Now go! Walk out the door!
    Just turn around now.
    Cause you're not welcome any more.

    1. Callyson

      Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
      Do you think I'd crumble
      Did you think I'd lay down and die?
      No, mofo, I'll survive and flourish without you!

      (So I took a little poetic license with the lyrics…)

  21. Guppy

    It's almost like Our Glorious Editrix is speaking from personal experience or something.

      1. DemmeFatale

        Sorry to hear that!
        That would be a deal-breaker for me.
        I have to agree with Janine Garofolo when she said something about Republicans having a character flaw.

    1. V572 Hogan Gidley

      Derb's frantically trying to come up with an excuse as creative as Frothy's "blah people."

      1. Boojum

        Except his would be "What I meant was that niggers are dangerous! That's not racism, it's math!"

  22. Trinket

    You can't get Zima in the USA anymore. They only sell it in Japan now. And just look how this country is faring without it. Shit.

  23. Antispandex

    I'm just waiting for the," I have sinned against god, and now I ask that everyone respect my family's privacy at this difficult time" speech. It will be EPIC!

    1. flamingpdog

      I dunno about that. In my mind, I'm seeing more of a "You won't have Scott Walker to kick around any more" speech. In my mind, with glee. And at the same time, trepidation.

  24. MilwaukeeKent

    It's all about making his Conservative bones at this point, it almost seems like he got the go-ahead on that plum think tank sinecure. What the GOP has going for it in Wisconsin is a 7-15k vote advantage in the suburban counties surrounding Milwaukee, the national GOP may have destroyed that margin already just with women abandoning the GOP, but Scotty wants to make sure, so he signs several bills that look like attacks on women, on Good Friday, hoping they'll be buried in the news (ambivalence?). He could have vetoed the bills, even if the vetoes would've been over-ridden, but noooo, Scotty gotta double down.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      They wouldn't have been over-ridden because the Senate is both out of session and the one seat GOP majority disappeared when a senator targeted for recall resigned instead. So he would have actually been responsible for being a decent human, and chose the other path.

      1. MilwaukeeKent

        Good points. Not sure what the rules are on over-riding a veto either, but vetoes are unlikely while he's got the House and the state Supremes. It seems like they're in a real hurry, here in Wisconsin and similar states.

  25. flamingpdog

    So, maybe Scottie doesn't have teh ghey after all. I've heard every Koch-sponsored law he signs means one less time he has to go down on the corpse of Daddy Fred.

    1. Man0nTheStreet

      Every Koch-law he signs is one less time that he has to "go down" because it's one less time he has to get up off his knees!

    1. flamingpdog

      I gave you an upfist even though I couldn't watch the video after I saw who it was singing. Maybe if I hadn't just finished dinner.

      1. Negropolis

        I had to specify the nationality of the bacon, because though I love my Canadians, American bacon is what Nirvana tastes like if you could sense it with your tongue.

  26. Wile E. Quixote

    And if Scotty loses the recall what's he going to do? The little shit has no useful private sector skills and he's incredibly toxic, what conservative drunk tank is going to want to waste those scarce wing nut welfare dollars paying him a salary? And really, why would anyone bother paying him a salary? There are plenty of fools out there who have none of Scotty's baggage and who will work just as hard as he does at fucking things up. I wouldn't be surprised if Scotty finds himself shit out of luck after the recall election as well as shit out of a job.

    1. V572 Hogan Gidley

      If the Koch's complete their takeover of the Cato Institute, they'll be able to use it as a retirement/veterans' home for failed conservatards. That should finish it off as a "think tank."

    2. flamingpdog

      Did Alberto Gonzalez (?who) ever get a job after he was released by Dubya's White House Rangers?

  27. GemlikeFlame

    If so, that's some old-ass Zima. According to the internets, Coors stopped making it in 2003.

    Still marketed in Japan, though.

  28. fuflans

    this reminds me of that recent James Surowiecki article wherein he ends with:

    The U.S. does need to get its finances in order. It just doesn’t need to repeal the twentieth century to do so.

    assholes.

  29. deanbooth

    There's a big frontier out there called life
    I ain't nobody's daughter
    I ain't nobody's wife
    I'm gonna stake my very own claim of land
    And you're gonna wanna know who I am
    I'm Gypsy!
    Gypsy Rose Me!
    Gypsy Rose Not You
    Not You
    Or You
    Gypsy Rose Meeeeeeeeeee…eeeeeeee

  30. mavenmaven

    I don't know if Fox news has enough hours in the day for all their potential new news commentators. Perhaps they'll have to double them up, the Walker/Palin show?

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Well, there are like 6 Fox affiliated channels and they can always add more. DISH had 6 dedicated channels to the Masters – surely Fox can have 20 screaming head channels on that lineup?

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      The Pontiac Academy for Excellence is a nonunionized charter school. According to Superintendent Cassell, Brooke’s contract makes no provisions for formal appeal, and Michigan is an “at will” employment state.

      See, no union-thug contract nonsense, and no tenure. That's so they can fire the bad teachers. Or the ones that teach too well about stuff that the superintendent disagrees with.

  31. Negropolis

    See-ya, Walker. And don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. On second thought, I hope it doesn't, 'cause you'd enjoy that.

  32. littlebigdaddy

    Sure, there are plenty of internet pix showing him sucking off one of the Koch brothers, but I am wondering if anyone has a pic of him double dipping?

  33. FakaktaSouth

    Here's what – you know who can eat me? all these idiot anti-whatever it is fuckers on my profile. This is a thing I don't understand – do they all get together and do this ambush style? just, what? I mean, do I wish they weren't there? Yeah sure. Same as I wish they weren't complete morons, but we learn to live with it I reckon. Oh wait!!! I know, I am praying for them, or whatever liberals always (never? might sometimes rarely?) do for the less fortunate.

    1. Designer_Rants

      Where do they come from, and why do they care? Are they doing the conservatard web version of Gorge Zimmerman's neighborhood watch program? Too bad for them, the only Internetz Stand Yer Ground law (for impotent fascist re-tards who get their feelings hurt from web comments) I know of is being worked on in Arizona (FL should follow shortly, of course).

    2. Doktor StrangeZoom

      It's one idiot with about 5 accounts. He sees it as his mission to "visit" us, because–I have no idea. I think maybe he thinks it will cause us to despair, because he's showing us how wrong we are.

  34. NYNYNYjr

    Marines have reportedly just given Mike Wallace a burial at sea, with traditional Muslim rites.

  35. Negropolis

    Governor Walker is what happens, Wisconsin, when you find a stranger in the Alps. America, we implore you, stop finding strangers in the Alps.

    1. Negropolis

      To be completely honest, Santorum probably shouldn't have been running for president in the first place, but it's even more clear now than it was that he shouldn't be, now. The games over; it's been over. Go home and take care of your family.

  36. DahBoner

    Draft beer, not..uh, people!

    I Have a Vagina and I Vote

    Waterboarding is Not a Family Value

    When Did Jesus say the Greedy Shall Inherit the Earth Motherfuckers?

  37. BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe it's just some kind of weird "performance art" that he's doing. Joke's on Wisconsin.

  38. James Michael Curley

    It probably sounds as bad as when Ann, Tagg, Slagg, Dragg, Mitt, Jr. and Irving got together for a rousing songfest of "We are Family!"

  39. ernestwhile

    Shitballs, Rebecca, that last paragraph is one of the awesomest I've seen you write so far and I must now go change my underlinens, having displaced them mightily after guffawing!

Comments are closed.