'HE'S JUST SAYING WHAT WE ALL THINK'  5:41 pm April 9, 2012

If Only This Daily Caller Guy Had Listened To John Derbyshire, He’d Still Have His Bike

by Jim Newell

A Derb for all seasonsOur old pal John “Salad Days” Derbyshire no longer has a job at National Review after writing one measly most racist column in Internet history, on a paleoconservative fringe site. (Your author wrote a whole bunch of words about this for the Salon website instead of on Your Wonkette, because he is a traitor.) Indeed, the PC nanny-state Left has scored another great man’s scalp. Good work, idiots. If we don’t have a Derbyshire-esque sage out there to persistently remind white people, “Stay out of heavily black neighborhoods,” then all we’ll get is more stolen Daily Caller bikes.

Some aggrieved fellow at the Caller — to narrow it down — has written a piece about “the end of my white guilt.” He tells of howsomeone in a predominantly black neighborhood stole his bicycle this weekend, a sad turn of events to which he reacted in proportion by completely changing his views of racial relations in the country. Do note that unless we missed something, he still has no confirmation that it was in fact a black person who stole his bike. But, you know, who else could’ve done it?

But when I came back to my car after the stations, my bike, which had been locked to a bike rack on my car, was gone. I called the cops and filed a report. Then I walked around Brookland, the neighborhood around the Shrine, for an hour to see if I could spot it. I didn’t, but I did talk to some people who said there were a lot of kids around that day because the schools are out.

I went to college at Catholic University, which is right next to the National Shrine, and I know Brookland pretty well. It’s home to several Catholic religious orders (Brookland was once known as “Little Rome”). I could be pretty certain that on Good Friday a member of the Little Sisters of the Poor, which is across the street from where I was parked, had not nicked my bike. Neither had the monks at the Dominican House of Studies on the corner. The students at Catholic University were on Easter break. That left the neighborhoods around the university. Since the time I was an undergrad at Catholic University in the 1980s, most of the crime that has occurred on campus has come from those neighborhoods, which are predominately black. As sure as it took the D.C. cops forever to get to the parking lot to file a report, I knew that the odds were very high that a black person had taken my bike — maybe one of the kids that had been described.

When I got home I vented to my friends. I told them I was going to scour those neighborhoods until I found the bike. In reply, a liberal friend gave me a lecture about profiling and told me to just forget about the bike. “That person needs our prayers and help,” she said. “They haven’t had the advantages we have.”

Well sure, your lecturing liberal friend is an exceptional pussy, much more so than the average liberal pussy. But there’s a middle-ground between changing your view of an entire race and praying for the person who stole your bike: getting mad at the one person who stole your bike whatever his or her race may be. Or don’t and keep over-thinking shit, who cares.

[Daily Caller]

 
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{ 263 comments }

nounverb911 April 9, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Only socialists ride bicycles.

MissTaken April 9, 2012 at 5:46 pm

*This* is what happens with Agenda 21.

OC_Surf_Serf April 9, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Like, didn't his parents have that little talk with him about being a Conservative on a bicycle?

GhostBuggy April 9, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Well, to be fair, he did have it strapped to his car.

flamingpdog April 9, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Silly former bike-owner, real Republicans only strap their dogs to their car.

Biff April 9, 2012 at 7:04 pm

And Mormons.

Serolf_Divad April 9, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Real Capitalist heroes ride trains!*

*But not in real life.

Barb April 9, 2012 at 5:43 pm

"Then I walked around Brookland, the neighborhood around the Shrine, for an hour to see if I could spot it."

How hard could it be to find a tricycle with a Hello Kitty basket, pink streamers on the handles and for his kinky pleasure, lacking a seat?

Lascauxcaveman April 9, 2012 at 5:51 pm

You're wrong! It does too have a seat!

starfanglednut April 9, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Now that's my kinda bike!

bagofmice April 9, 2012 at 6:18 pm

As long as the whole town isn't riding.

Barb April 9, 2012 at 6:19 pm

*ouchie*

V572 Hogan Gidley April 9, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Jeez you wouldn't want to cross the RR tracks on that unit.

WhatTheHeck April 9, 2012 at 6:03 pm

I want to ride my Bicycle
I want to ride it how I like

Callyson April 9, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Notice how the neighborhood is so dangerous that of course the criminal came from there, but it's not so dangerous that this asshole didn't walk around for an hour looking for his bike.

Also notice that this guy is not smart enough to think about the fact that the thief was unlikely to hang around in public with recently stolen goods.

But this guy is somehow smart enough to know that the thief is blah. Yeah, whatever you say there, uh huh, you betcha…

Gleem McShineys April 9, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Damn, what a mixed up douchenozzle would that guy be if he got mugged by a white hairless man while wandering around?

I believe this was a missed opportunity for the imaginary sky man/tomb houdini to teach a lesson to a fuckstick.

outragedcitizen April 10, 2012 at 9:17 am

Ah, R. Crumb's anus cycle!

OurHoboSenator April 9, 2012 at 5:44 pm

I had my VCR stolen from my house in my all-white, rural Upstate New York college town in 1994. And that is when I stopped feeling guilty about hating white people.

Just kidding. I stopped feeling guilty about hating white people YEARS before that.

Designer_Rants April 9, 2012 at 6:09 pm

IMO, white people are the worst. And why is there so many of them?

Deportably_Jose April 9, 2012 at 6:39 pm

I've definitely stopped feeling guilty about hating white people just now, thanks to Mark Judge, who is all white people just as surely as a probably made-up bike thief of indeterminate race is all black people.

An_Outhouse April 9, 2012 at 7:49 pm

a white person stole my sister's bike when I was a kid. f'in' white people.

MittsHairHelmet April 9, 2012 at 5:45 pm

There's no way that "liberal friend" actually exists.

Chet Kincaid April 9, 2012 at 6:08 pm

I call bullshit on the entire article — never happened. Nobody is that stupid, naive and easily flipped over on a Big Issue.

flamingpdog April 9, 2012 at 6:34 pm

If you were so inclined, I'm pretty sure that if you Googled key words in that article, you'd find a very similar one out there somewhere on teh internetz. I suspect the only thing that got stolen here was (and I use the following word loosely) intellectual property.

An_Outhouse April 9, 2012 at 7:50 pm

agreed. they took his bike but didn't strip the entire car – or take it.

Naked_Bunny April 9, 2012 at 7:55 pm

You're accusing someone who writes fine articles like this of making stuff up?!

sullivanst April 9, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Does too! Just ask his black friend!

Doktor StrangeZoom April 9, 2012 at 8:23 pm

Is he one of those rare birds, an Intelligent Well-Socialized Black? Because THOSE are fuckin' valuable.

Chet Kincaid April 9, 2012 at 8:26 pm

I'll do your cocktail party for $350 an hour, plus transportation expenses.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 9, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Ah, but will you be my amulet against future charges of racism?

(Sounds like a D&D thing… My Amulet deflects 5 damage! Way to go, Intelligent well-socialized black friend!)

frostbitefalls April 10, 2012 at 12:22 am

Why do you need transportation expenses? Just ride that bike you stole.

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 12:39 am

Oh, boy. Why have I never thought of this? I see franchizes all around the country.

MaxUdargo April 9, 2012 at 7:14 pm

Yeah, that was my thought. I think I see the straw stuffing poking out of the seams of his "liberal friend."

boobookitteh April 9, 2012 at 5:46 pm

I no longer feel guilty about hating humanity.

Maman April 9, 2012 at 6:32 pm

I have been hating people for years…

sullivanst April 10, 2012 at 10:18 am

OT, but I saw your cameo on The Daily Show last night. Does he pay well? ;)

boobookitteh April 10, 2012 at 10:25 am

Your link is borked, but I saw that! I demand royalties for an image I stole off the internet!

Gratuitous World April 9, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Was there a backwards "B" carved on his face? You know, for "bike?"

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 12:39 am

ROTFLMAO!

nounverb911 April 9, 2012 at 5:46 pm

If Judge was a true merikkkan, he'd be riding his Hummer around DC.

OC_Surf_Serf April 9, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Then the cops found his bike chained up outside of the gay strip club just where he left it.

sullivanst April 9, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Lies! He took the chains in with him.

donner_froh April 9, 2012 at 5:47 pm

“That person needs our prayers and help,” she said. “They haven’t had the advantages we have.”

The Daily Caller writer's imaginary girlfriend than went on to say "Forget about your bike. I need your throbbing manhood."

Limeylizzie April 9, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Excellent.

Designer_Rants April 9, 2012 at 6:12 pm

I wouldn't have believed it either, if it hadn't happened to me, dear reader.

Fare la Volpe April 10, 2012 at 8:46 am

Dear Tuckhouse Forum….

tessiee April 9, 2012 at 11:18 pm

She's not imaginary. She, uh… goes to a different school… you don't know her.

Pithaughn April 10, 2012 at 2:36 am

uh, it's a school in Canda, I mean Mexico, you never heard of it.

littlebigdaddy April 9, 2012 at 5:48 pm

A conservative is a liberal who had his bike stolen?

V572 Hogan Gidley April 9, 2012 at 6:23 pm

And a libertarian is a Republican in mirrored sunglasses.

tessiee April 9, 2012 at 11:19 pm

I thought a libertarian was a Repulican who liked to smoke weed — but yours is good, too.

Naked_Bunny April 9, 2012 at 7:54 pm

A conservative is a liberal when it comes to government services that he personally wants to make use of at the moment.

tessiee April 9, 2012 at 11:19 pm

Only the stuff that benefits other people is socialism.

jjdaddyo April 9, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Too bad it didn't get stolen in Florida, he could have shot someone to cheer himself up.

Lascauxcaveman April 9, 2012 at 5:49 pm

OK Everybody, it's time to play the fill in the blank game!

Those fucking _________ , they stole my _________ .

nounverb911 April 9, 2012 at 5:50 pm

teabaggers, country.

Chill-A-Sketch April 9, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Cover Bands, Gigs.

emmelemm April 9, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Over and done.

Generation[redacted] April 9, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Bain Capital executives, jerb

Limeylizzie April 9, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Television Stars, Broadway Roles.

V572 Hogan Gidley April 9, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Or:

comic book authors, Broadway productions

Troglodeity April 9, 2012 at 6:03 pm

kids, Trix

Swampgas_Man April 9, 2012 at 8:34 pm

Sugar Bears, Super Sugar Crisp.

Fare la Volpe April 9, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Dogs, CoooOOOOoookie Crisp

donner_froh April 9, 2012 at 6:08 pm

DJs, wedding gigs.

Designer_Rants April 9, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Repiglicans, national dignity

weejee April 9, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Rethuglicans, meth

Callyson April 9, 2012 at 6:22 pm

five Supreme Court justices, democracy.

anniegetyerfun April 9, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Sperm, waistline

Chet Kincaid April 9, 2012 at 6:32 pm

American Indian and Alaska Natives, cherry about America's innocence and moral high ground

rocktonsam April 9, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Detroit Tigers, Prince Fielder

Lascauxcaveman April 9, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Or, if you're from Saint Louis: Angels/Pujols

Mumbletypeg April 9, 2012 at 6:35 pm

editors at Salon, Newell

Toomush_Infer April 9, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Lizard people, manatee

Gleem McShineys April 9, 2012 at 7:30 pm

bike thieves, racial transcendancy

Veritas78 April 9, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Mormons, ancestors!

Doktor StrangeZoom April 9, 2012 at 8:27 pm

Hobbitses, Birthday Present

Boojum April 9, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Gays, marriage.

George Spelvin April 9, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Repubican debates, sanity.

tessiee April 9, 2012 at 11:20 pm

corporations, hope of ever being middle-class again.

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 12:41 am

"Episcopalians" and "innocence".

Nothingisamiss April 10, 2012 at 8:17 am

Do tell.

MissTaken April 9, 2012 at 5:49 pm

As sure as it took the D.C. cops forever to get to the parking lot to file a report,

White people problems strike again!

McDonnellville April 9, 2012 at 6:00 pm

White person's bike stolen = more important than an armed robbery or a homicide.

Designer_Rants April 9, 2012 at 6:14 pm

They should probably cut taxes more. That'll learn 'em.

Gleem McShineys April 9, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Then my cellphone battery died AND I COULDN'T EVEN TWEET! DAMN N**S!

HistoriCat April 9, 2012 at 9:08 pm

What is Eric Holder going to do about it?!?

MilwaukeeKent April 9, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Walk around DC looking for this guy's bike, of course. Or try to vote as James O'Keefe maybe.

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 12:43 am

'Cause, it's not like DC has serious crime to deal with. lol

BTW, newsflash for those who will have their bike stolen: You don't get it back.

BTW x 2: If the bike isn't registered, don't even bother contacting the police and wasting their time. And, even then, getting them back is as rare as finding a well-adjusted Republican.

iburl April 9, 2012 at 5:49 pm

I hate it when an entire race steals something. Like that time the white race stole North America.

DrunkIrishman April 9, 2012 at 5:50 pm

I live in Salt Lake City. The only black people here play for the Utah Jazz. We have some of the worst larceny-theft statistics of any city our size.

Go figure. Mormons like to steal things.

donner_froh April 9, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Those Mormons will take anything that isn't nailed down.

nounverb911 April 9, 2012 at 6:18 pm

And then baptize it.

Lascauxcaveman April 9, 2012 at 7:00 pm

So, who's keeping an eye on those NBA stars when they're not on court? They can work pretty fast, you know.

Biff April 9, 2012 at 7:10 pm

To be fair, poor missionaries need bicycles, too.

Lucidamente1 April 9, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Derbyshire: is that near Top Hat Ville?

iburl April 9, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Up the road from Lidsville.

Nothingisamiss April 10, 2012 at 8:18 am

H. R. Puffnstuf, is that you?

Lascauxcaveman April 9, 2012 at 5:55 pm

In the county of Asshatte.

Gleem McShineys April 9, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Just across the taint tracks.

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 12:47 am

I hear it's actually near the Haight Assbury.

Generation[redacted] April 9, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Yes, around the corner from Fedora Acres.

MissTaken April 9, 2012 at 5:52 pm

I would love to comment on this but I'm too far past my 'salad days' for anyone to give a shit about me or my opinion.

Rotundo_ April 9, 2012 at 7:30 pm

I think I've hit my 'soup days' or entree days myself. It beats the hell out of the 'after-dinner mint' days, I suppose.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 9, 2012 at 8:28 pm

They're wafer-thin.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 9, 2012 at 10:30 pm

I'm just hoping to put off the "Ensure days" for as long as possible.

Boojum April 9, 2012 at 10:06 pm

I'm in my biscuits and gravy days.

SorosBot April 9, 2012 at 5:53 pm

My bike got stolen once when I was a kid. My parents' neighborhood has a number of black residents, a lot of Koreans, and a few Latinos. Which minority should I have blamed? (Obviously not the white people, we can't blame the white folks).

MissTaken April 9, 2012 at 5:58 pm

You're looking at this all wrong. Don't blame a minority for stealing your bike. Just shoot the minority and then say it was because they probably stole your bike. Because of freedom.

SorosBot April 9, 2012 at 6:06 pm

And the cops won't even arrest me. Freedom!

McDonnellville April 9, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Katie, you know my answer…

Biff April 9, 2012 at 7:13 pm

When I was way little, my father ran over my trike with his Packard. Totalled it, yet I was the one who got the ass-paddling.

Boojum April 9, 2012 at 10:07 pm

You must be blah!

Biff April 9, 2012 at 10:18 pm

No, just old.

donner_froh April 9, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Wait a minute–the cops in D.C. show up to take a report that a bike was stolen? In Motown it takes them a couple of days to respond to a non-fatal shooting and don't even bother calling if its just a mugging or burglary.

Real luxury police services in our nation's capital.

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 12:50 am

Ha! I was thinking the very same thing. A bike? The dispatcher on the phone would cuss your naive ass out for calling about a missing bike. lol Forget it, Jake. It's Motown.

And, if the Packard Plant is on fire (again), don't even bother caling the DFD.

biblioteq_tress April 10, 2012 at 9:15 am

Honestly? That is what tipped me to the this-fucker-made-this-up element to this story. The DC cops do NOT respond to stolen bikes unless you are a diplomat. Or if the bike thief gets hit by a truck so no one has to find it.

By the way, Brookland is a mostly middle class neighborhood overstuffed with Catholic college kids, and is home to the Tackiest Catholic Church in the US™. If Mr.Whiteypants is scared in Brookland, then Colin Powell and Edward Brooke could step into his elevator and he'd piss himself.

Blueb4sunrise April 9, 2012 at 5:55 pm

True fact:
A white kid stole my bike when I was twelve, but was stupid enough to ride it to our school a few days later.

BerkeleyBear April 9, 2012 at 6:06 pm

A white kid stole my bike – while I was still on it. First encounter with unmedicated true hyperactivity – dude lifted the rear wheel off the ground when I tried to pedal away and then knocked me off. The bike was eventually returned, but no punishment was handed down to my knowledge.

Apparently the kid's problems were well known, but like Burris Ewell he was part of an exclusive club given certain privileges by society. (My son is reading To Kill a Mockingbird, so it is on my mind).

Blueb4sunrise April 9, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Looks like this happened to a bunch of Wonketeers. I think there should be an investigation.

Chet Kincaid April 9, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Yes!! Why don't You People address the scourge of white-on-white crime, instead of blaming "blackie" for all the pathology in your culture?!

Blueb4sunrise April 9, 2012 at 6:41 pm

A Commission!!! We need a goddammed Commission, that is what we need!!!!
But who to head it?

James Michael Curley April 9, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Its good your son is reading the novel. The movie was promoted with an intro from Obama and as I watched it, first time since the early 70's, I was amazed and confused about so much out of sync, omitted because the time constraints of the movie. Confused because I hadn't read the novel since the late 60's. Unbelievably timeless.

Designer_Rants April 9, 2012 at 6:20 pm

It must have been so liberating to shed all of your [insert race] guilt.

Extemporanus April 9, 2012 at 6:22 pm

ME TOO! (Really.)

The eighth grade idiot apparently thought that the addition of handlebar streamers and a crossbar pad would sufficiently disguise my bike's metallic black banana seat, two foot tall custom shaped sissy bar, and raccoon tail flag.

I broke two fingers that day.

Lascauxcaveman April 9, 2012 at 7:09 pm

The kid that stole my sister's bike changed the seat on it, but left left the Wacky Packy stickers on it, including the one we marked with her name and our phone number.

I found the bike a month after it disappeared out front of the bowling alley two blocks from our house, and locked it up with my bike lock and called the cops. When they showed up, oddly enough, nobody in the bowling alley would claim the bike was theirs, so they let me take it home with me.

There were no black people in the bowling alley at the time.

Naked_Bunny April 9, 2012 at 8:03 pm

And ever since, you've hated children?

Boojum April 9, 2012 at 10:11 pm

I hate children, but that's because I have two. They stole my life.

tessiee April 9, 2012 at 11:28 pm

The fill in the blank comment is upthread.

biblioteq_tress April 10, 2012 at 9:19 am

I really am scared of neighborhoods full of kids and go out of my way to avoid living near them. I also don't want them to vote, own guns, or take my job.

Gratuitous World April 9, 2012 at 5:55 pm

This is just like my favorite episode of The Wonder Years when Winnie ditches Kevin for a black guy and then he writes a bunch of hateful shit about black people on the bathroom stall. Finally, he passive-aggressively rips on Paul for being a Jew.

However, the voice over makes it sound real reasonable + nostalgic in hindsight.

MissTaken April 9, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Maybe the Little Sisters of the Poor thought the bike was a donation for Easter, being a little kid's Big Wheel after all.

An_Outhouse April 9, 2012 at 7:57 pm

this is the most likely explanation. They took the bike but left the car, hubcaps , rims and tires

sharethegrief April 9, 2012 at 5:56 pm

I would never park a bike around the Little Sisters of the Poor.

738838 April 9, 2012 at 5:57 pm

A real white guy stole my bike once and he was so stupid that I saw him with it the next day and I took it away from him. What a dope!

Limeylizzie April 9, 2012 at 5:58 pm

I am extremely Caucasian and have lived in Harlem for seven years and have never had anything stolen, my 80 year-old upstairs neighbour bakes me a pie every Thanksgiving, what am I doing wrong?

MissTaken April 9, 2012 at 6:03 pm

When I still blonde I lived in Oakland and the only trouble I had was from a crazy white dude who ran up to me one morning and told me I was the Anti-Christ and he was going to tie me up and gut me.

White people scare the shit out of me.

Chichikovovich April 9, 2012 at 6:25 pm

What a weirdo. Being the Anti-Christ is actually one of your many attractive qualities.

redarmyzombie April 9, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Hold on- was this the homeless guy who wears a business suit, no shirt underneath, and only one shoe? The same one who stands across from the police station and yells at people to kill themselves and die? Cause I'm familiar with HIM…

donner_froh April 9, 2012 at 6:10 pm

You aren't sharing the yummy pie with your Wonkette friends.

Limeylizzie April 9, 2012 at 6:14 pm

It is so delicious, she is an amazing woman, I think her husband sells drugs, he is about 85!

Deportably_Jose April 9, 2012 at 6:53 pm

My next door neighbor is a lovely Latina lady in her late 50's/early 60's, who collects ceramics; we've signed for each others' packages every so often. She also smokes a TON of pot, like clockwork, at 5:30 every day. She must be high as a kite by the time her teenagers get home.

I <3 New York.

OneYieldRegular April 9, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Well, for starters, not inviting us for Thanksgiving.

Limeylizzie April 9, 2012 at 6:40 pm

I have an orphan's Thanksgiving every year and invite all kinds of waifs and strays, so come on over.

HistoriCat April 9, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Oh sure, you say that now but when a collection of dozens (or more) of assorted low-life liberal alcoholics, freaks, and wierdos show up at your door, it's all "Wonkette? Never heard of her."

James Michael Curley April 9, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Go to Silvia's for the stewed turkey with cornbread dressing and sweet potato pie for dessert.

Limeylizzie April 9, 2012 at 6:41 pm

I prefer Amy-Ruth's on 116th for the 'Al Sharpton”, chicken and waffles.

James Michael Curley April 9, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Don't know it but I haven't been in the neighborhood for over twenty years. Also, I have an aorta which would divorce me if I had a real plate of creamed chicken and waffles.

Limeylizzie April 9, 2012 at 7:00 pm

It's fried Chicken and Waffles, but every time anyone comes to stay with me I drag them the four blocks to Amy-Ruth's. Damn their aortas!

An_Outhouse April 9, 2012 at 7:58 pm

get better shit.

Swampgas_Man April 9, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Damned Liberals.

Extemporanus April 9, 2012 at 5:58 pm

BLOGWHORE!

Jim Newell April 9, 2012 at 6:06 pm

why else would i write a post about this shit?

Extemporanus April 9, 2012 at 6:29 pm

White Man's Burden?

BarackMyWorld April 9, 2012 at 5:59 pm

You know, there's a whole nearly decade-old meme about this kind of thing over at ytmnd.com. Just sayin'.

Gleem McShineys April 9, 2012 at 7:41 pm

I was going to mention this, but it looks like you did first.

WELL THEN, NOW I CAN FINALLY SHED MY WHITE GUILT!

hagajim April 9, 2012 at 5:59 pm

So is the guy who wrote this Dennis Miller's cousin? Seems like they both have the same psychological profile.

V572 Hogan Gidley April 9, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Is it the profile that reads "Used to be funny with 25 SNL writers scripting his shit, but revealed as an arrogant prick when on his own"?

It's also called "Chevy Chase."

Swampgas_Man April 9, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Not enough Fancy Comparisons.

tessiee April 9, 2012 at 11:33 pm

The late Spy magazine once described Dennis Miller as "pissy, self-satisfied comic Dennis Miller".

I don't see how that description could be improved upon.

Troglodeity April 9, 2012 at 6:00 pm

I sympathize with this guy. Ever since seeing "The Bicycle Thief" and "Pee Wee's Big Adventure," I hate all Italians and Hollywood child stars.

DonnyKerabotsos April 9, 2012 at 6:01 pm

That Derbyshire guy looks like someone just sold him a dead parrot.

LetUsBray April 9, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Which he then sodomized.

Toomush_Infer April 9, 2012 at 6:41 pm

That parrot isn't dead…

montreal_bruin April 9, 2012 at 7:52 pm

It's pining for the fjords.

tessiee April 9, 2012 at 11:35 pm

It has lovely plumage, though.

Boojum April 9, 2012 at 10:14 pm

It was coughing up blood last night.

Swampgas_Man April 9, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Like he just ate bad brussels sprouts. Assuming there are GOOD brussel sprouts.

HistoriCat April 9, 2012 at 10:04 pm

There are – we had some yesterday with our holiday dinner. Brushed with olive oil and sprinkled with kosher salt, then roasted. Yum.

tessiee April 9, 2012 at 11:36 pm

I suppose that if you deep-fried them, then covered them with melted sharp cheddar, carmelized onions, thin slivers of Black Angus beef, and bacon crumbles, they'd be OK.

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 1:00 am

If by "dead parrot" you mean "pre-pubescent boy", yes, he's in possession of a "dead parrot."

#notintendedasafacturalstatement(?)

Gainsbourg69 April 9, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Welcome to the new middle class, motherfucker.

Extemporanus April 9, 2012 at 6:03 pm
Callyson April 9, 2012 at 6:29 pm

I thought you were kidding, but this website is real! Hilarious!

finallyhappy April 9, 2012 at 6:44 pm

as you all kn ow, I live at the other end of 16th Street from the White House and seriously when you live that close some of this is true. I have flowers on my table right now- pretty sure Barack and Michelle sent them to me for Passover

Fare la Volpe April 9, 2012 at 10:09 pm

That website tried to give me a virus. Careful.

Boojum April 9, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Barack Obama Gave You A Virus.

gout April 9, 2012 at 6:04 pm

But a certain Samaritan, as he traveled, came where he was. When he saw him, he stole his bicycle…

donner_froh April 9, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Mark Judge: "I had a well thought out attitude regarding race in the United States but then someone stole my bike and so I hate all black people."

flamingpdog April 9, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Neither had the monks at the Dominican House of Studies on the corner.

Of course not, they're too busy riding the little boys in the neighborhood to ride a bicycle.

Extemporanus April 9, 2012 at 6:10 pm

This reminds me of an old "joke" from my "salad days":

Q: What did the black kid get for Christmas?

ph7 April 9, 2012 at 6:19 pm

A. The bike my white ass stole from you and gifted to him?

Extemporanus April 9, 2012 at 6:31 pm

It was you?!

(By the way, how's yer nose?)

tessiee April 9, 2012 at 11:39 pm

A: Toy potatoes.

Oh, no, wait.
That's "what did the *Irish* kid get for Christmas?"

ManchuCandidate April 9, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Fuck you Pee Wee Herman.

Wile E. Quixote April 9, 2012 at 6:11 pm

And the article concludes with:

And when I came into the office on Monday and told everyone what had happened my co-workers at the Caller were the best. Tucker Carlson stepped up and said 'that's too bad, why don't you lube me up and ride me around the office until you feel better' and then Jim Treacher and Matt Boyle said 'no, ride me. ride me' and Tucker said 'OK, Mark can ride everyone around the office, but I get to go first' he said as he stripped down and began rubbing bacon fat between his manly thighs and buttocks."

Limeylizzie April 9, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Mmmmm bacon.

V572 Hogan Gidley April 9, 2012 at 6:28 pm

It's like you were a fly on the wall.

tessiee April 9, 2012 at 11:41 pm

Tucker Carlson doesn't need any more fat on his buttocks.

jakegittes April 9, 2012 at 6:15 pm

C'mon, Mark. Take the next step and tell us that the Jews are responsible for the recession.

FakaktaSouth April 9, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Complete bullshit. Everyone knows godless liberals don't believe in prayer.

Wile E. Quixote April 9, 2012 at 6:55 pm

He meant to say that the liberal friend said that they should pray to Allah for the bike thief, but only after they aborted some fetuses.

Callyson April 9, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Well, this explains it–here's this guy's bio on the Daily Holler:

Mark Judge is the author of A Tremor of Bliss: Sex, Catholicism, and Rock ‘n’ Roll.

Yeah, that combination is dangerous…some people can't handle all of that together…

flamingpdog April 9, 2012 at 6:40 pm

I'd think it would be quite easy to handle all that together if you were one of them activist Judges.

whatupirondog April 9, 2012 at 7:11 pm

I think the title ended up being truncated from "A Tremor of Blissful Unawareness of My Own Racism: Sex, Catholicism, Staying Out Of Those Neighborhoods, and Rock And Roll"

fuflans April 9, 2012 at 6:21 pm

i probably shouldn't link on any of that shit at my new job, should i?

Chet Kincaid April 9, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Got a job? Congrats!

fuflans April 9, 2012 at 7:31 pm

thank you! 22 months i was out of anything but acting work. let me tell you, unemployment saved our lives.

now i am in evanston.

flamingpdog April 9, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Good idea – the bosses generally don't like to hear screams coming out of the mouth of the newest employee. What are you doing to earn your Ameros?

Antispandex April 9, 2012 at 6:22 pm

I once had an Asian girlfriend. We broke up. I now believe we should nuke Japan. Again. Is this how you slowly lose your mind?

Callyson April 9, 2012 at 6:25 pm

I had been carefully educated by liberal parents that we are all, black and white, the same. My favorite movie growing up was “In the Heat of the Night.” Yet that often meant not treating everyone the same. It meant treating blacks with a mixture of patronizing condescension and obsequious genuflecting to their Absolute Moral Authority gained from centuries of suffering. It meant not treating everyone the same.

Asshole, if you are treating people with condescension, by definition you are discriminating against them and are in fact a bigot. If you do not know the difference between recognizing the reality of racism in American history and society and obsequious genuflecting, you are not intelligent enough to be a writer.

The frightening thing is, this guy probably thinks that this paragraph makes sense…

Gainsbourg69 April 9, 2012 at 7:12 pm

That's how I felt when I saw The Blindside.

Fare la Volpe April 9, 2012 at 10:01 pm

One of my favorite pre-release comments about that film was "Is this another one of those movies where the Angelic White People adopt some poor black slob and teach him how to use a spoon?" Summarizes everything I felt about that crapfest.

anniegetyerfun April 9, 2012 at 6:28 pm

I had three bikes stolen in Beijing. Ergo, all Asian people are crazed ninja thieves.

Is that how this works?

Wile E. Quixote April 9, 2012 at 6:34 pm

No, because your bikes were probably stolen by blahs, and John Derbyshire could prove it.

An_Outhouse April 9, 2012 at 8:04 pm

his asian mail order bride can attest to this.

Deportably_Jose April 9, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Well, the odds are very high that Mark Judge is a white guy, which means that thanks to this guy, I'm now convinced that all white people are bigots and fuckwits.

Thanks a lot, Mark Judge! You're personally responsible for my abrupt transformation into a militant black nationalist!

OneYieldRegular April 9, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Outrageous. I mean, a guy like this gets his bike stolen, and the thief doesn't bother to steal his car too.

Designer_Rants April 9, 2012 at 6:35 pm

From Traitor Jim's article:

Search far and wide for that rare gem, the “intelligent and well-socialized black,” abbreviated IWSB, who can serve you as “an amulet against potentially career-destroying accusations of prejudice.”

http://bit.ly/Iin5TN

Derb, you coulda just said: "Find a black friend, then you can say whatever racist shit about black people you want." I guess Derbs needed more than just one token blah to serve as "an amulet" against getting fired from NatRev.

Deportably_Jose April 9, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Also, note how he immediately dismisses the possibility that someone from one of the surrounding businesses might be responsible.

Because, you see, Religious Folk (by which we mean Christians, only) would never, ever steal, lie, or cheat on their spouses.

James Michael Curley April 9, 2012 at 6:36 pm

So typically Republican. So-called journalist (Derbyshire) slanders an entire 'race' of people and this Daily Caller dweep makes it about him.

Shit, now I'm doing it – condemning all Republicans for the sentiments of one member. What? Of course he's Republican, he acted like an asshole.

Ancient_Hacker April 9, 2012 at 6:37 pm

There was exactly ONE black kid in my high school class of 1,200. My brother's bike got stolen out of the garage one day. The next summer, the whole house was burglarized. Dang, that was one busy black kid!

anniegetyerfun April 9, 2012 at 6:37 pm

That Derbytingtonshire was let go is simply proof of how racist The National Review is, toward white people.

Wile E. Quixote April 9, 2012 at 6:43 pm

OK, here's my question: about nine years ago I was out riding my motorcycle when a white guy in a pickup truck ignored the right of way and ran into me. I spent eight weeks in a level one trauma center and walked out with a new set of crutches, the paperwork for a handicapped parking placard and without my left leg below the knee. A few years later I was out riding my bicycle when a white guy who wasn't paying attention ran into me and broke my wrist and my bicycle. Does this mean that I'm now allowed to go on a huge shooting spree and take out a bunch of white people? If so then how many?

Biff April 9, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Jesus Christ, if not you, then who?

Wile E. Quixote April 9, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Oh yeah, and the guy who went insane, shot his dad and holed up in the house behind mine with a bunch of guns in December of 1991 in Seattle, so I had the SWAT team camping out in my living room because my deck had the best view of this house, was also a white guy. Man, you fucking white people have it coming!

HistoriCat April 9, 2012 at 10:12 pm

I don't know dude – once is a tragedy, twice is tragically bad luck – but three times? You may want to hold off on that killing spree … the life you save may be your own.

Toomush_Infer April 9, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Pretty sure the real problem is this guy's ant helmet was tied on too tight…

flamingpdog April 9, 2012 at 6:47 pm

I don't suppose this douchebag considered the possibility that it was a man in an ice cream truck.

Designer_Rants April 9, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Jim, should this be "attractive" instead of "unattractive" or "start" instead of "stop", or do I just not reed gud?

And why should selfish women deserve such a right if they’re going to stop being unattractive around that age anyway?

Jim Newell April 9, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Fucking hell.

Chet Kincaid April 9, 2012 at 7:00 pm

An all new season of "Antique Racism Show" is filming now! Bring out all your antediluvian, antebellum notions! Got some noxious views you've been keeping in the attic since "All In The Family"? Leading conservative online publications like The Daily Caller and Big Bigotry will pay handsomely for your ill-informed knickknacks!

Gleem McShineys April 9, 2012 at 7:57 pm

I think my uncle has a massive N-word collection! I bet it's worth a fortune!

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 1:11 am

It’s a fucking valuable thing. You don’t just give it away for nothing. You've got this thing and it’s fucking golden. Don't just giving it up for fucking nothing.

rickmaci April 9, 2012 at 7:16 pm

"Then I walked around Brookland, the neighborhood around the Shrine, for an hour to see if I could spot it."

In Florida, the neighborhood watch captain would have simply shot the kids. End of problem.

PhilippePetain April 9, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Wait, there are still liberals who pray? Fuck that shit!

Designer_Rants April 9, 2012 at 7:18 pm

A white guy pulled a gun on me once. I didn't realize the appropriate response was to hate all white people. I'll work on that.

BlueStateLibel April 9, 2012 at 7:18 pm

When I was a child, I had my bike stolen by white Northern Europeans – I've hated those Northern European bastards ever since.

tessiee April 9, 2012 at 11:48 pm

Damn Visigoths.

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 1:15 am

Always a-rappin and a-pillagin' and shit.

AlaskaGrrl April 9, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Somebody stole your bike and you're making this big a hissy fit over it? What are you, 12? You live in a city, dipwad. what do you expect? Park that bike in any neighborhood of similar socio-economic strata and I bet it would get stolen regardless of the racial make up of the neighborhood. No insurance? You are a dope.

Fare la Volpe April 9, 2012 at 10:17 pm

What moron leaves a bike in a bad neighborhood without a fucking lock? Why is no one asking that question?

Gainsbourg69 April 9, 2012 at 7:28 pm

"I don't think you should hide. If you hate blacks, let it out. It would be best for us all for conservatives to start being honest."

This is just the third comment.

McDonnellville April 9, 2012 at 9:38 pm

I don't understand this comment at all. Since when have conservatives tried to (barely) hide their racism? And, oh yeah, they should just let the full extent of their racism show. That'll work out well for them.

Fare la Volpe April 9, 2012 at 10:15 pm

It works for them every 2-4 years.

Biff April 9, 2012 at 7:36 pm

I never had a bicycle stolen, but I did have a pair of skis ripped off one time. I just don't know who to hate anymore.

HistoriCat April 10, 2012 at 6:48 am

AOTK?

Biff April 10, 2012 at 10:25 am

That does simplify things.

Gleem McShineys April 9, 2012 at 8:05 pm

I had a bunch of tools stolen out of my garage, so logically, I'd naturally blame black people, because they are also on this planet.

First of all, black people aren't smart, so they wouldn't know to steal things that are valuable — thanks to The Derb for this kind of racial insight. In addition, these were tools for doing work, ..so it couldn't be black people, because we all know they are so lazy.

So, logically, I think I will stop hiding my completely reasonable rage and anger towards the easily blameworthy Home Depot.

imissopus April 9, 2012 at 8:08 pm

A couple of weeks ago someone stole my car. Now, I live in a neighborhood populated mostly by Hispanics and Koreans, but does that mean I immediately began hating all of my gook and wetback neighbors just because they are gooks and wetbacks? No, of course not. Chill out, Daily Caller guy.

And you're lucky the cops came out to take a report for your stupid bike. I had to take two buses to get to the police station to file a report because the LAPD wasn't going to send a car out. Public transportation! In L.A.! Unpossible!

An_Outhouse April 9, 2012 at 8:27 pm

Few have mentioned that the rag that published Derb's bile is a neo nazi periodical from the party the EU put in charge of Greece. Wonder why those kids are burning shit in the streets now?

Chet Kincaid April 9, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Frodo and Master Samwise could not be forced by Halfling shame and guilt to leave the Derbyshire and join the war against Sauron, because of the criminality and violence to be found in the "culture" of Men. "Elves are two-faced, fucking liars, also!" Uncle Bilbo helpfully suggested.

Egregious644 April 9, 2012 at 8:49 pm

When I was a student at the University of New Hampshire, I caught the flu and spent a few days in the infirmary. While I was there, someone stole my bike from the rack in front of my dorm. Could it have been the same person?

Limeylizzie April 9, 2012 at 9:31 pm

A month ago someone at Actors Equity, in NYC ,stole my brand new under-eye concealer that I had just bought from Sephora, I now hate all actors with bags under their eyes.

tessiee April 9, 2012 at 11:51 pm

Ian McKellen libel!!

barto April 9, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Apparently he didn't get the white IQ boost to go with his guilt.

SaintRond April 9, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Boy, if that isn't reason enough to institute a final solution, I don't know what is. But I'm glad I no longer feel guilty about it.

tessiee April 9, 2012 at 11:12 pm

"I could be pretty certain that on Good Friday a member of the Little Sisters of the Poor, which is across the street from where I was parked, had not nicked my bike. Neither had the monks at the Dominican House of Studies on the corner."

NOW who's being naive?

Burgdorf April 9, 2012 at 11:18 pm

Oh, if only this man had played Mike Tyson's Punch-Out more often…

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 12:25 am

"Derb" is the sound you make when you eat bad coleslaw.

BTW, the dude in the story? Yeah, if you believe he just "changed" his racial views after this incident, I got a bridge in Alaska to sell you. Disingenuos prig is disingenuous.

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 12:40 am

Dear Penthouse,

I never thought it would happen to me…

Wile E. Quixote April 10, 2012 at 1:01 am

So how long before Tucker Carlspawn writes an editorial saying that the Wonketeers are blood libeling conservatives by calling them racists? Do you think it will be before or after a prominent conservative pens an article about the politically correct liberal conspiracy that has taken down Pat Buchanan, Rush Limbaugh and now John Derbyshire? Shit, it's been almost 24 hours since they kicked Derb to the Curb (or "Kerb" as they say in Britain) where's the impassioned defense including a bullshit story anecdote about how once a liberal said something bad about a blah or a woman or something exceedingly foolish and that this proves, QED, that all liberals are foolish, racist, sexists and that therefore John Derbyshire is the victim here?

102415 April 10, 2012 at 1:53 am

In my neighborhood we make fun of people who get their bike stolen because they left it out on the street. Seriously, the man is an all around idiot RWNJ. Especially for not asking the nuns who most likely knew exactly which Catholic kid took the bike and would have gotten it returned to him for a nice donation.

DahBoner April 10, 2012 at 8:04 am

I went to college at Catholic University

Well, look who couldn't get admitted to Protestent University, motherfucker…

ttommyunger April 10, 2012 at 8:35 am

After looking at this mugshot (and many others preceding it) I'm beginning to think you really can judge a book by its cover.

Lazy Media April 10, 2012 at 8:56 am

Goddammit. Predominately? You don't make an adverb by adding 'ly' to a verb. It's predominantly, asshole.

Oh, yeah, and some kid stole my bike in DC, too. AND the radio out of my car. All it did was make me hate all teeenagers.

ernestwhile April 10, 2012 at 11:15 am

Dude spelled Brooklyn wrong.

sullivanst April 9, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Well, clearly no white person could possibly be unbiased. Louis Farrakhan?

tessiee April 9, 2012 at 11:26 pm

And what kind of ribbon should the commission be?

James Michael Curley April 9, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Four blocks from 116th street? You live in the Polo Grounds?

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 12:57 am

Delete this, good lady. You have to keep some mystique (read: safety). You wouldn't want the troll-lurkers casing your building, would you?

James Michael Curley April 10, 2012 at 5:42 am

On second thought I doubt the Polo Grounds came below 130th. I went to the last game of both the Giants and the Mets at the Polo Grounds and the first game of the Mets at Shea Stadium. Now I can’t remember a list of all the teams.

Chet Kincaid April 10, 2012 at 8:09 am

Black Friends Bureau!® We can be the founding partners! We'll be rollin' in it!

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