'he's just saying what we all think'

If Only This Daily Caller Guy Had Listened To John Derbyshire, He’d Still Have His Bike

A Derb for all seasonsOur old pal John “Salad Days” Derbyshire no longer has a job at National Review after writing one measly most racist column in Internet history, on a paleoconservative fringe site. (Your author wrote a whole bunch of words about this for the Salon website instead of on Your Wonkette, because he is a traitor.) Indeed, the PC nanny-state Left has scored another great man’s scalp. Good work, idiots. If we don’t have a Derbyshire-esque sage out there to persistently remind white people, “Stay out of heavily black neighborhoods,” then all we’ll get is more stolen Daily Caller bikes.

Some aggrieved fellow at the Caller — to narrow it down — has written a piece about “the end of my white guilt.” He tells of howsomeone in a predominantly black neighborhood stole his bicycle this weekend, a sad turn of events to which he reacted in proportion by completely changing his views of racial relations in the country. Do note that unless we missed something, he still has no confirmation that it was in fact a black person who stole his bike. But, you know, who else could’ve done it?

But when I came back to my car after the stations, my bike, which had been locked to a bike rack on my car, was gone. I called the cops and filed a report. Then I walked around Brookland, the neighborhood around the Shrine, for an hour to see if I could spot it. I didn’t, but I did talk to some people who said there were a lot of kids around that day because the schools are out.

I went to college at Catholic University, which is right next to the National Shrine, and I know Brookland pretty well. It’s home to several Catholic religious orders (Brookland was once known as “Little Rome”). I could be pretty certain that on Good Friday a member of the Little Sisters of the Poor, which is across the street from where I was parked, had not nicked my bike. Neither had the monks at the Dominican House of Studies on the corner. The students at Catholic University were on Easter break. That left the neighborhoods around the university. Since the time I was an undergrad at Catholic University in the 1980s, most of the crime that has occurred on campus has come from those neighborhoods, which are predominately black. As sure as it took the D.C. cops forever to get to the parking lot to file a report, I knew that the odds were very high that a black person had taken my bike — maybe one of the kids that had been described.

When I got home I vented to my friends. I told them I was going to scour those neighborhoods until I found the bike. In reply, a liberal friend gave me a lecture about profiling and told me to just forget about the bike. “That person needs our prayers and help,” she said. “They haven’t had the advantages we have.”

Well sure, your lecturing liberal friend is an exceptional pussy, much more so than the average liberal pussy. But there’s a middle-ground between changing your view of an entire race and praying for the person who stole your bike: getting mad at the one person who stole your bike whatever his or her race may be. Or don’t and keep over-thinking shit, who cares.

[Daily Caller]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

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  • nounverb911

    Only socialists ride bicycles.

    • MissTaken

      *This* is what happens with Agenda 21.

    • OC_Surf_Serf

      Like, didn't his parents have that little talk with him about being a Conservative on a bicycle?

    • GhostBuggy

      Well, to be fair, he did have it strapped to his car.

      • flamingpdog

        Silly former bike-owner, real Republicans only strap their dogs to their car.

    • Biff

      And Mormons.

    • Serolf_Divad

      Real Capitalist heroes ride trains!*

      *But not in real life.

  • Barb

    "Then I walked around Brookland, the neighborhood around the Shrine, for an hour to see if I could spot it."

    How hard could it be to find a tricycle with a Hello Kitty basket, pink streamers on the handles and for his kinky pleasure, lacking a seat?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      You're wrong! It does too have a seat!

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Now that's my kinda bike!

        • bagofmice

          As long as the whole town isn't riding.

      • Barb

        *ouchie*

        • V572 Hogan Gidley

          Jeez you wouldn't want to cross the RR tracks on that unit.

    • WhatTheHeck

      I want to ride my Bicycle
      I want to ride it how I like

    • Callyson

      Notice how the neighborhood is so dangerous that of course the criminal came from there, but it's not so dangerous that this asshole didn't walk around for an hour looking for his bike.

      Also notice that this guy is not smart enough to think about the fact that the thief was unlikely to hang around in public with recently stolen goods.

      But this guy is somehow smart enough to know that the thief is blah. Yeah, whatever you say there, uh huh, you betcha…

      • Gleem McShineys

        Damn, what a mixed up douchenozzle would that guy be if he got mugged by a white hairless man while wandering around?

        I believe this was a missed opportunity for the imaginary sky man/tomb houdini to teach a lesson to a fuckstick.

    • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

      Ah, R. Crumb's anus cycle!

  • OurHoboSenator

    I had my VCR stolen from my house in my all-white, rural Upstate New York college town in 1994. And that is when I stopped feeling guilty about hating white people.

    Just kidding. I stopped feeling guilty about hating white people YEARS before that.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      IMO, white people are the worst. And why is there so many of them?

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Deportably_Jose

      I've definitely stopped feeling guilty about hating white people just now, thanks to Mark Judge, who is all white people just as surely as a probably made-up bike thief of indeterminate race is all black people.

    • An_Outhouse

      a white person stole my sister's bike when I was a kid. f'in' white people.

  • MittsHairHelmet

    There's no way that "liberal friend" actually exists.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      I call bullshit on the entire article — never happened. Nobody is that stupid, naive and easily flipped over on a Big Issue.

      • flamingpdog

        If you were so inclined, I'm pretty sure that if you Googled key words in that article, you'd find a very similar one out there somewhere on teh internetz. I suspect the only thing that got stolen here was (and I use the following word loosely) intellectual property.

      • An_Outhouse

        agreed. they took his bike but didn't strip the entire car – or take it.

      • Naked_Bunny

        You're accusing someone who writes fine articles like this of making stuff up?!

    • sullivanst

      Does too! Just ask his black friend!

      • Doktor StrangeZoom

        Is he one of those rare birds, an Intelligent Well-Socialized Black? Because THOSE are fuckin' valuable.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          I'll do your cocktail party for $350 an hour, plus transportation expenses.

          • Doktor StrangeZoom

            Ah, but will you be my amulet against future charges of racism?

            (Sounds like a D&D thing… My Amulet deflects 5 damage! Way to go, Intelligent well-socialized black friend!)

          • frostbitefalls

            Why do you need transportation expenses? Just ride that bike you stole.

          • Negropolis

            Oh, boy. Why have I never thought of this? I see franchizes all around the country.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            Black Friends Bureau!® We can be the founding partners! We'll be rollin' in it!

    • http://www.udargo.com MaxUdargo

      Yeah, that was my thought. I think I see the straw stuffing poking out of the seams of his "liberal friend."

  • boobookitteh

    I no longer feel guilty about hating humanity.

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      I have been hating people for years…

    • sullivanst

      OT, but I saw your cameo on The Daily Show last night. Does he pay well? ;)

      • boobookitteh

        Your link is borked, but I saw that! I demand royalties for an image I stole off the internet!

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Was there a backwards "B" carved on his face? You know, for "bike?"

    • Negropolis

      ROTFLMAO!

  • nounverb911

    If Judge was a true merikkkan, he'd be riding his Hummer around DC.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Then the cops found his bike chained up outside of the gay strip club just where he left it.

    • sullivanst

      Lies! He took the chains in with him.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    “That person needs our prayers and help,” she said. “They haven’t had the advantages we have.”

    The Daily Caller writer's imaginary girlfriend than went on to say "Forget about your bike. I need your throbbing manhood."

    • Limeylizzie

      Excellent.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      I wouldn't have believed it either, if it hadn't happened to me, dear reader.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Dear Tuckhouse Forum….

    • tessiee

      She's not imaginary. She, uh… goes to a different school… you don't know her.

      • Pithaughn

        uh, it's a school in Canda, I mean Mexico, you never heard of it.

  • littlebigdaddy

    A conservative is a liberal who had his bike stolen?

    • V572 Hogan Gidley

      And a libertarian is a Republican in mirrored sunglasses.

      • tessiee

        I thought a libertarian was a Repulican who liked to smoke weed — but yours is good, too.

    • Naked_Bunny

      A conservative is a liberal when it comes to government services that he personally wants to make use of at the moment.

      • tessiee

        Only the stuff that benefits other people is socialism.

  • jjdaddyo

    Too bad it didn't get stolen in Florida, he could have shot someone to cheer himself up.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    OK Everybody, it's time to play the fill in the blank game!

    Those fucking _________ , they stole my _________ .

    • nounverb911

      teabaggers, country.

      • http://www.wonkette.com Chill-A-Sketch

        Cover Bands, Gigs.

      • emmelemm

        Over and done.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Bain Capital executives, jerb

    • Limeylizzie

      Television Stars, Broadway Roles.

      • V572 Hogan Gidley

        Or:

        comic book authors, Broadway productions

    • Troglodeity

      kids, Trix

      • Swampgas_Man

        Sugar Bears, Super Sugar Crisp.

        • Fare la Volpe

          Dogs, CoooOOOOoookie Crisp

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      DJs, wedding gigs.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Repiglicans, national dignity

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Rethuglicans, meth

    • Callyson

      five Supreme Court justices, democracy.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Sperm, waistline

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      American Indian and Alaska Natives, cherry about America's innocence and moral high ground

    • rocktonsam

      Detroit Tigers, Prince Fielder

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Or, if you're from Saint Louis: Angels/Pujols

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      editors at Salon, Newell

    • Toomush_Infer

      Lizard people, manatee

    • Gleem McShineys

      bike thieves, racial transcendancy

    • Veritas78

      Mormons, ancestors!

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Hobbitses, Birthday Present

    • Boojum

      Gays, marriage.

    • George Spelvin

      Repubican debates, sanity.

    • tessiee

      corporations, hope of ever being middle-class again.

    • Negropolis

      "Episcopalians" and "innocence".

      • Nothingisamiss

        Do tell.

  • MissTaken

    As sure as it took the D.C. cops forever to get to the parking lot to file a report,

    White people problems strike again!

    • McDonnellville

      White person's bike stolen = more important than an armed robbery or a homicide.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      They should probably cut taxes more. That'll learn 'em.

    • Gleem McShineys

      Then my cellphone battery died AND I COULDN'T EVEN TWEET! DAMN N**S!

    • HistoriCat

      What is Eric Holder going to do about it?!?

      • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

        Walk around DC looking for this guy's bike, of course. Or try to vote as James O'Keefe maybe.

    • Negropolis

      'Cause, it's not like DC has serious crime to deal with. lol

      BTW, newsflash for those who will have their bike stolen: You don't get it back.

      BTW x 2: If the bike isn't registered, don't even bother contacting the police and wasting their time. And, even then, getting them back is as rare as finding a well-adjusted Republican.

  • iburl

    I hate it when an entire race steals something. Like that time the white race stole North America.

  • DrunkIrishman

    I live in Salt Lake City. The only black people here play for the Utah Jazz. We have some of the worst larceny-theft statistics of any city our size.

    Go figure. Mormons like to steal things.

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      Those Mormons will take anything that isn't nailed down.

      • nounverb911

        And then baptize it.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      So, who's keeping an eye on those NBA stars when they're not on court? They can work pretty fast, you know.

    • Biff

      To be fair, poor missionaries need bicycles, too.

  • Lucidamente1

    Derbyshire: is that near Top Hat Ville?

    • iburl

      Up the road from Lidsville.

      • Nothingisamiss

        H. R. Puffnstuf, is that you?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      In the county of Asshatte.

      • Gleem McShineys

        Just across the taint tracks.

      • Negropolis

        I hear it's actually near the Haight Assbury.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Yes, around the corner from Fedora Acres.

  • MissTaken

    I would love to comment on this but I'm too far past my 'salad days' for anyone to give a shit about me or my opinion.

    • Rotundo_

      I think I've hit my 'soup days' or entree days myself. It beats the hell out of the 'after-dinner mint' days, I suppose.

      • Doktor StrangeZoom

        They're wafer-thin.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        I'm just hoping to put off the "Ensure days" for as long as possible.

    • Boojum

      I'm in my biscuits and gravy days.

  • SorosBot

    My bike got stolen once when I was a kid. My parents' neighborhood has a number of black residents, a lot of Koreans, and a few Latinos. Which minority should I have blamed? (Obviously not the white people, we can't blame the white folks).

    • MissTaken

      You're looking at this all wrong. Don't blame a minority for stealing your bike. Just shoot the minority and then say it was because they probably stole your bike. Because of freedom.

      • SorosBot

        And the cops won't even arrest me. Freedom!

    • McDonnellville

      Katie, you know my answer…

    • Biff

      When I was way little, my father ran over my trike with his Packard. Totalled it, yet I was the one who got the ass-paddling.

      • Boojum

        You must be blah!

        • Biff

          No, just old.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Wait a minute–the cops in D.C. show up to take a report that a bike was stolen? In Motown it takes them a couple of days to respond to a non-fatal shooting and don't even bother calling if its just a mugging or burglary.

    Real luxury police services in our nation's capital.

    • Negropolis

      Ha! I was thinking the very same thing. A bike? The dispatcher on the phone would cuss your naive ass out for calling about a missing bike. lol Forget it, Jake. It's Motown.

      And, if the Packard Plant is on fire (again), don't even bother caling the DFD.

      • biblioteq_tress

        Honestly? That is what tipped me to the this-fucker-made-this-up element to this story. The DC cops do NOT respond to stolen bikes unless you are a diplomat. Or if the bike thief gets hit by a truck so no one has to find it.

        By the way, Brookland is a mostly middle class neighborhood overstuffed with Catholic college kids, and is home to the Tackiest Catholic Church in the US™. If Mr.Whiteypants is scared in Brookland, then Colin Powell and Edward Brooke could step into his elevator and he'd piss himself.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    True fact:
    A white kid stole my bike when I was twelve, but was stupid enough to ride it to our school a few days later.

    • BerkeleyBear

      A white kid stole my bike – while I was still on it. First encounter with unmedicated true hyperactivity – dude lifted the rear wheel off the ground when I tried to pedal away and then knocked me off. The bike was eventually returned, but no punishment was handed down to my knowledge.

      Apparently the kid's problems were well known, but like Burris Ewell he was part of an exclusive club given certain privileges by society. (My son is reading To Kill a Mockingbird, so it is on my mind).

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Looks like this happened to a bunch of Wonketeers. I think there should be an investigation.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Yes!! Why don't You People address the scourge of white-on-white crime, instead of blaming "blackie" for all the pathology in your culture?!

          • Blueb4sunrise

            A Commission!!! We need a goddammed Commission, that is what we need!!!!
            But who to head it?

          • sullivanst

            Well, clearly no white person could possibly be unbiased. Louis Farrakhan?

          • tessiee

            And what kind of ribbon should the commission be?

      • James Michael Curley

        Its good your son is reading the novel. The movie was promoted with an intro from Obama and as I watched it, first time since the early 70's, I was amazed and confused about so much out of sync, omitted because the time constraints of the movie. Confused because I hadn't read the novel since the late 60's. Unbelievably timeless.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      It must have been so liberating to shed all of your [insert race] guilt.

    • Extemporanus

      ME TOO! (Really.)

      The eighth grade idiot apparently thought that the addition of handlebar streamers and a crossbar pad would sufficiently disguise my bike's metallic black banana seat, two foot tall custom shaped sissy bar, and raccoon tail flag.

      I broke two fingers that day.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        The kid that stole my sister's bike changed the seat on it, but left left the Wacky Packy stickers on it, including the one we marked with her name and our phone number.

        I found the bike a month after it disappeared out front of the bowling alley two blocks from our house, and locked it up with my bike lock and called the cops. When they showed up, oddly enough, nobody in the bowling alley would claim the bike was theirs, so they let me take it home with me.

        There were no black people in the bowling alley at the time.

    • Naked_Bunny

      And ever since, you've hated children?

      • Boojum

        I hate children, but that's because I have two. They stole my life.

        • tessiee

          The fill in the blank comment is upthread.

      • biblioteq_tress

        I really am scared of neighborhoods full of kids and go out of my way to avoid living near them. I also don't want them to vote, own guns, or take my job.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    This is just like my favorite episode of The Wonder Years when Winnie ditches Kevin for a black guy and then he writes a bunch of hateful shit about black people on the bathroom stall. Finally, he passive-aggressively rips on Paul for being a Jew.

    However, the voice over makes it sound real reasonable + nostalgic in hindsight.

  • MissTaken

    Maybe the Little Sisters of the Poor thought the bike was a donation for Easter, being a little kid's Big Wheel after all.

    • An_Outhouse

      this is the most likely explanation. They took the bike but left the car, hubcaps , rims and tires

  • sharethegrief

    I would never park a bike around the Little Sisters of the Poor.

  • 738838

    A real white guy stole my bike once and he was so stupid that I saw him with it the next day and I took it away from him. What a dope!

  • Limeylizzie

    I am extremely Caucasian and have lived in Harlem for seven years and have never had anything stolen, my 80 year-old upstairs neighbour bakes me a pie every Thanksgiving, what am I doing wrong?

    • MissTaken

      When I still blonde I lived in Oakland and the only trouble I had was from a crazy white dude who ran up to me one morning and told me I was the Anti-Christ and he was going to tie me up and gut me.

      White people scare the shit out of me.

      • Chichikovovich

        What a weirdo. Being the Anti-Christ is actually one of your many attractive qualities.

      • redarmyzombie

        Hold on- was this the homeless guy who wears a business suit, no shirt underneath, and only one shoe? The same one who stands across from the police station and yells at people to kill themselves and die? Cause I'm familiar with HIM…

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      You aren't sharing the yummy pie with your Wonkette friends.

      • Limeylizzie

        It is so delicious, she is an amazing woman, I think her husband sells drugs, he is about 85!

        • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Deportably_Jose

          My next door neighbor is a lovely Latina lady in her late 50's/early 60's, who collects ceramics; we've signed for each others' packages every so often. She also smokes a TON of pot, like clockwork, at 5:30 every day. She must be high as a kite by the time her teenagers get home.

          I <3 New York.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Well, for starters, not inviting us for Thanksgiving.

      • Limeylizzie

        I have an orphan's Thanksgiving every year and invite all kinds of waifs and strays, so come on over.

        • HistoriCat

          Oh sure, you say that now but when a collection of dozens (or more) of assorted low-life liberal alcoholics, freaks, and wierdos show up at your door, it's all "Wonkette? Never heard of her."

    • James Michael Curley

      Go to Silvia's for the stewed turkey with cornbread dressing and sweet potato pie for dessert.

      • Limeylizzie

        I prefer Amy-Ruth's on 116th for the 'Al Sharpton”, chicken and waffles.

        • James Michael Curley

          Don't know it but I haven't been in the neighborhood for over twenty years. Also, I have an aorta which would divorce me if I had a real plate of creamed chicken and waffles.

          • Limeylizzie

            It's fried Chicken and Waffles, but every time anyone comes to stay with me I drag them the four blocks to Amy-Ruth's. Damn their aortas!

          • James Michael Curley

            Four blocks from 116th street? You live in the Polo Grounds?

          • Negropolis

            Delete this, good lady. You have to keep some mystique (read: safety). You wouldn't want the troll-lurkers casing your building, would you?

          • James Michael Curley

            On second thought I doubt the Polo Grounds came below 130th. I went to the last game of both the Giants and the Mets at the Polo Grounds and the first game of the Mets at Shea Stadium. Now I can’t remember a list of all the teams.

    • An_Outhouse

      get better shit.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Damned Liberals.

  • Extemporanus

    BLOGWHORE!

    • http://wonkette.com Jim Newell

      why else would i write a post about this shit?

      • Extemporanus

        White Man's Burden?

  • BarackMyWorld

    You know, there's a whole nearly decade-old meme about this kind of thing over at ytmnd.com. Just sayin'.

    • Gleem McShineys

      I was going to mention this, but it looks like you did first.

      WELL THEN, NOW I CAN FINALLY SHED MY WHITE GUILT!

  • hagajim

    So is the guy who wrote this Dennis Miller's cousin? Seems like they both have the same psychological profile.

    • V572 Hogan Gidley

      Is it the profile that reads "Used to be funny with 25 SNL writers scripting his shit, but revealed as an arrogant prick when on his own"?

      It's also called "Chevy Chase."

    • Swampgas_Man

      Not enough Fancy Comparisons.

    • tessiee

      The late Spy magazine once described Dennis Miller as "pissy, self-satisfied comic Dennis Miller".

      I don't see how that description could be improved upon.

  • Troglodeity

    I sympathize with this guy. Ever since seeing "The Bicycle Thief" and "Pee Wee's Big Adventure," I hate all Italians and Hollywood child stars.

  • DonnyKerabotsos

    That Derbyshire guy looks like someone just sold him a dead parrot.

    • LetUsBray

      Which he then sodomized.

    • Toomush_Infer

      That parrot isn't dead…

      • montreal_bruin

        It's pining for the fjords.

        • tessiee

          It has lovely plumage, though.

      • Boojum

        It was coughing up blood last night.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Like he just ate bad brussels sprouts. Assuming there are GOOD brussel sprouts.

      • HistoriCat

        There are – we had some yesterday with our holiday dinner. Brushed with olive oil and sprinkled with kosher salt, then roasted. Yum.

      • tessiee

        I suppose that if you deep-fried them, then covered them with melted sharp cheddar, carmelized onions, thin slivers of Black Angus beef, and bacon crumbles, they'd be OK.

    • Negropolis

      If by "dead parrot" you mean "pre-pubescent boy", yes, he's in possession of a "dead parrot."

      #notintendedasafacturalstatement(?)

  • Gainsbourg69

    Welcome to the new middle class, motherfucker.

  • Extemporanus
    • Callyson

      I thought you were kidding, but this website is real! Hilarious!

      • finallyhappy

        as you all kn ow, I live at the other end of 16th Street from the White House and seriously when you live that close some of this is true. I have flowers on my table right now- pretty sure Barack and Michelle sent them to me for Passover

    • Fare la Volpe

      That website tried to give me a virus. Careful.

      • Boojum

        Barack Obama Gave You A Virus.

  • gout

    But a certain Samaritan, as he traveled, came where he was. When he saw him, he stole his bicycle…

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Mark Judge: "I had a well thought out attitude regarding race in the United States but then someone stole my bike and so I hate all black people."

  • flamingpdog

    Neither had the monks at the Dominican House of Studies on the corner.

    Of course not, they're too busy riding the little boys in the neighborhood to ride a bicycle.

  • Extemporanus

    This reminds me of an old "joke" from my "salad days":

    Q: What did the black kid get for Christmas?

    • ph7

      A. The bike my white ass stole from you and gifted to him?

      • Extemporanus

        It was you?!

        (By the way, how's yer nose?)

    • tessiee

      A: Toy potatoes.

      Oh, no, wait.
      That's "what did the *Irish* kid get for Christmas?"

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Fuck you Pee Wee Herman.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    And the article concludes with:

    And when I came into the office on Monday and told everyone what had happened my co-workers at the Caller were the best. Tucker Carlson stepped up and said 'that's too bad, why don't you lube me up and ride me around the office until you feel better' and then Jim Treacher and Matt Boyle said 'no, ride me. ride me' and Tucker said 'OK, Mark can ride everyone around the office, but I get to go first' he said as he stripped down and began rubbing bacon fat between his manly thighs and buttocks."

    • Limeylizzie

      Mmmmm bacon.

    • V572 Hogan Gidley

      It's like you were a fly on the wall.

    • tessiee

      Tucker Carlson doesn't need any more fat on his buttocks.

  • jakegittes

    C'mon, Mark. Take the next step and tell us that the Jews are responsible for the recession.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Complete bullshit. Everyone knows godless liberals don't believe in prayer.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      He meant to say that the liberal friend said that they should pray to Allah for the bike thief, but only after they aborted some fetuses.

  • Callyson

    Well, this explains it–here's this guy's bio on the Daily Holler:

    Mark Judge is the author of A Tremor of Bliss: Sex, Catholicism, and Rock ‘n’ Roll.

    Yeah, that combination is dangerous…some people can't handle all of that together…

    • flamingpdog

      I'd think it would be quite easy to handle all that together if you were one of them activist Judges.

    • whatupirondog

      I think the title ended up being truncated from "A Tremor of Blissful Unawareness of My Own Racism: Sex, Catholicism, Staying Out Of Those Neighborhoods, and Rock And Roll"

  • fuflans

    i probably shouldn't link on any of that shit at my new job, should i?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Got a job? Congrats!

      • fuflans

        thank you! 22 months i was out of anything but acting work. let me tell you, unemployment saved our lives.

        now i am in evanston.

    • flamingpdog

      Good idea – the bosses generally don't like to hear screams coming out of the mouth of the newest employee. What are you doing to earn your Ameros?

  • Antispandex

    I once had an Asian girlfriend. We broke up. I now believe we should nuke Japan. Again. Is this how you slowly lose your mind?

  • Callyson

    I had been carefully educated by liberal parents that we are all, black and white, the same. My favorite movie growing up was “In the Heat of the Night.” Yet that often meant not treating everyone the same. It meant treating blacks with a mixture of patronizing condescension and obsequious genuflecting to their Absolute Moral Authority gained from centuries of suffering. It meant not treating everyone the same.

    Asshole, if you are treating people with condescension, by definition you are discriminating against them and are in fact a bigot. If you do not know the difference between recognizing the reality of racism in American history and society and obsequious genuflecting, you are not intelligent enough to be a writer.

    The frightening thing is, this guy probably thinks that this paragraph makes sense…

    • Gainsbourg69

      That's how I felt when I saw The Blindside.

      • Fare la Volpe

        One of my favorite pre-release comments about that film was "Is this another one of those movies where the Angelic White People adopt some poor black slob and teach him how to use a spoon?" Summarizes everything I felt about that crapfest.

  • anniegetyerfun

    I had three bikes stolen in Beijing. Ergo, all Asian people are crazed ninja thieves.

    Is that how this works?

    • Wile E. Quixote

      No, because your bikes were probably stolen by blahs, and John Derbyshire could prove it.

      • An_Outhouse

        his asian mail order bride can attest to this.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Deportably_Jose

    Well, the odds are very high that Mark Judge is a white guy, which means that thanks to this guy, I'm now convinced that all white people are bigots and fuckwits.

    Thanks a lot, Mark Judge! You're personally responsible for my abrupt transformation into a militant black nationalist!

  • OneYieldRegular

    Outrageous. I mean, a guy like this gets his bike stolen, and the thief doesn't bother to steal his car too.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    From Traitor Jim's article:

    Search far and wide for that rare gem, the “intelligent and well-socialized black,” abbreviated IWSB, who can serve you as “an amulet against potentially career-destroying accusations of prejudice.”

    http://bit.ly/Iin5TN

    Derb, you coulda just said: "Find a black friend, then you can say whatever racist shit about black people you want." I guess Derbs needed more than just one token blah to serve as "an amulet" against getting fired from NatRev.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Deportably_Jose

    Also, note how he immediately dismisses the possibility that someone from one of the surrounding businesses might be responsible.

    Because, you see, Religious Folk (by which we mean Christians, only) would never, ever steal, lie, or cheat on their spouses.

  • James Michael Curley

    So typically Republican. So-called journalist (Derbyshire) slanders an entire 'race' of people and this Daily Caller dweep makes it about him.

    Shit, now I'm doing it – condemning all Republicans for the sentiments of one member. What? Of course he's Republican, he acted like an asshole.

  • Ancient_Hacker

    There was exactly ONE black kid in my high school class of 1,200. My brother's bike got stolen out of the garage one day. The next summer, the whole house was burglarized. Dang, that was one busy black kid!

  • anniegetyerfun

    That Derbytingtonshire was let go is simply proof of how racist The National Review is, toward white people.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    OK, here's my question: about nine years ago I was out riding my motorcycle when a white guy in a pickup truck ignored the right of way and ran into me. I spent eight weeks in a level one trauma center and walked out with a new set of crutches, the paperwork for a handicapped parking placard and without my left leg below the knee. A few years later I was out riding my bicycle when a white guy who wasn't paying attention ran into me and broke my wrist and my bicycle. Does this mean that I'm now allowed to go on a huge shooting spree and take out a bunch of white people? If so then how many?

    • Biff

      Jesus Christ, if not you, then who?

      • Wile E. Quixote

        Oh yeah, and the guy who went insane, shot his dad and holed up in the house behind mine with a bunch of guns in December of 1991 in Seattle, so I had the SWAT team camping out in my living room because my deck had the best view of this house, was also a white guy. Man, you fucking white people have it coming!

        • HistoriCat

          I don't know dude – once is a tragedy, twice is tragically bad luck – but three times? You may want to hold off on that killing spree … the life you save may be your own.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Pretty sure the real problem is this guy's ant helmet was tied on too tight…

  • flamingpdog

    I don't suppose this douchebag considered the possibility that it was a man in an ice cream truck.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    Jim, should this be "attractive" instead of "unattractive" or "start" instead of "stop", or do I just not reed gud?

    And why should selfish women deserve such a right if they’re going to stop being unattractive around that age anyway?

    • http://wonkette.com Jim Newell

      Fucking hell.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    An all new season of "Antique Racism Show" is filming now! Bring out all your antediluvian, antebellum notions! Got some noxious views you've been keeping in the attic since "All In The Family"? Leading conservative online publications like The Daily Caller and Big Bigotry will pay handsomely for your ill-informed knickknacks!

    • Gleem McShineys

      I think my uncle has a massive N-word collection! I bet it's worth a fortune!

      • Negropolis

        It’s a fucking valuable thing. You don’t just give it away for nothing. You've got this thing and it’s fucking golden. Don't just giving it up for fucking nothing.

  • rickmaci

    "Then I walked around Brookland, the neighborhood around the Shrine, for an hour to see if I could spot it."

    In Florida, the neighborhood watch captain would have simply shot the kids. End of problem.

  • PhilippePetain

    Wait, there are still liberals who pray? Fuck that shit!

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    A white guy pulled a gun on me once. I didn't realize the appropriate response was to hate all white people. I'll work on that.

  • BlueStateLibel

    When I was a child, I had my bike stolen by white Northern Europeans – I've hated those Northern European bastards ever since.

    • tessiee

      Damn Visigoths.

      • Negropolis

        Always a-rappin and a-pillagin' and shit.

  • AlaskaGrrl

    Somebody stole your bike and you're making this big a hissy fit over it? What are you, 12? You live in a city, dipwad. what do you expect? Park that bike in any neighborhood of similar socio-economic strata and I bet it would get stolen regardless of the racial make up of the neighborhood. No insurance? You are a dope.

    • Fare la Volpe

      What moron leaves a bike in a bad neighborhood without a fucking lock? Why is no one asking that question?

  • Gainsbourg69

    "I don't think you should hide. If you hate blacks, let it out. It would be best for us all for conservatives to start being honest."

    This is just the third comment.

    • McDonnellville

      I don't understand this comment at all. Since when have conservatives tried to (barely) hide their racism? And, oh yeah, they should just let the full extent of their racism show. That'll work out well for them.

      • Fare la Volpe

        It works for them every 2-4 years.

  • Biff

    I never had a bicycle stolen, but I did have a pair of skis ripped off one time. I just don't know who to hate anymore.

    • HistoriCat

      AOTK?

      • Biff

        That does simplify things.

  • Gleem McShineys

    I had a bunch of tools stolen out of my garage, so logically, I'd naturally blame black people, because they are also on this planet.

    First of all, black people aren't smart, so they wouldn't know to steal things that are valuable — thanks to The Derb for this kind of racial insight. In addition, these were tools for doing work, ..so it couldn't be black people, because we all know they are so lazy.

    So, logically, I think I will stop hiding my completely reasonable rage and anger towards the easily blameworthy Home Depot.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    A couple of weeks ago someone stole my car. Now, I live in a neighborhood populated mostly by Hispanics and Koreans, but does that mean I immediately began hating all of my gook and wetback neighbors just because they are gooks and wetbacks? No, of course not. Chill out, Daily Caller guy.

    And you're lucky the cops came out to take a report for your stupid bike. I had to take two buses to get to the police station to file a report because the LAPD wasn't going to send a car out. Public transportation! In L.A.! Unpossible!

  • An_Outhouse

    Few have mentioned that the rag that published Derb's bile is a neo nazi periodical from the party the EU put in charge of Greece. Wonder why those kids are burning shit in the streets now?

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Frodo and Master Samwise could not be forced by Halfling shame and guilt to leave the Derbyshire and join the war against Sauron, because of the criminality and violence to be found in the "culture" of Men. "Elves are two-faced, fucking liars, also!" Uncle Bilbo helpfully suggested.

  • Egregious644

    When I was a student at the University of New Hampshire, I caught the flu and spent a few days in the infirmary. While I was there, someone stole my bike from the rack in front of my dorm. Could it have been the same person?

  • Limeylizzie

    A month ago someone at Actors Equity, in NYC ,stole my brand new under-eye concealer that I had just bought from Sephora, I now hate all actors with bags under their eyes.

    • tessiee

      Ian McKellen libel!!

  • barto

    Apparently he didn't get the white IQ boost to go with his guilt.

  • SaintRond

    Boy, if that isn't reason enough to institute a final solution, I don't know what is. But I'm glad I no longer feel guilty about it.

  • tessiee

    "I could be pretty certain that on Good Friday a member of the Little Sisters of the Poor, which is across the street from where I was parked, had not nicked my bike. Neither had the monks at the Dominican House of Studies on the corner."

    NOW who's being naive?

  • Burgdorf

    Oh, if only this man had played Mike Tyson's Punch-Out more often…

  • Negropolis

    "Derb" is the sound you make when you eat bad coleslaw.

    BTW, the dude in the story? Yeah, if you believe he just "changed" his racial views after this incident, I got a bridge in Alaska to sell you. Disingenuos prig is disingenuous.

  • Negropolis

    Dear Penthouse,

    I never thought it would happen to me…

  • Wile E. Quixote

    So how long before Tucker Carlspawn writes an editorial saying that the Wonketeers are blood libeling conservatives by calling them racists? Do you think it will be before or after a prominent conservative pens an article about the politically correct liberal conspiracy that has taken down Pat Buchanan, Rush Limbaugh and now John Derbyshire? Shit, it's been almost 24 hours since they kicked Derb to the Curb (or "Kerb" as they say in Britain) where's the impassioned defense including a bullshit story anecdote about how once a liberal said something bad about a blah or a woman or something exceedingly foolish and that this proves, QED, that all liberals are foolish, racist, sexists and that therefore John Derbyshire is the victim here?

  • 102415

    In my neighborhood we make fun of people who get their bike stolen because they left it out on the street. Seriously, the man is an all around idiot RWNJ. Especially for not asking the nuns who most likely knew exactly which Catholic kid took the bike and would have gotten it returned to him for a nice donation.

  • DahBoner

    I went to college at Catholic University

    Well, look who couldn't get admitted to Protestent University, motherfucker…

  • ttommyunger

    After looking at this mugshot (and many others preceding it) I'm beginning to think you really can judge a book by its cover.

  • Lazy Media

    Goddammit. Predominately? You don't make an adverb by adding 'ly' to a verb. It's predominantly, asshole.

    Oh, yeah, and some kid stole my bike in DC, too. AND the radio out of my car. All it did was make me hate all teeenagers.

  • ernestwhile

    Dude spelled Brooklyn wrong.