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THE VETTING: White House Giving Obama Balls To Children?

UglyLook what he’s done now.

Nothing is ever too shameless for our dear Celebrity in Chief, who couldn’t even finish his basketball game at the White House Egg Roll today because he was so busy making out with his own basketball face. From the pool report:

Four players on the court are wearing mostly red Harlem Globetrotters sweats while a few others are in black and navy. Some of the balls they’re playing with are red, white and blue with a presidential portrait …

Kids on the court practiced with some shooting and stretches until the president arrived at 11:13 after visiting a storytelling station …

Sounds like fun for everyone. Does this deserve any further reporting? Definitely not, which is why we now have further reporting on it:

Well, who was it, the Globetrotters or the NBA/WNBA players? Your story’s collapsing, White House. You’re finished.

[The London Review of Books, maybe]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • north_of_moscow

    Balls.

    • Baconzgood

      Tee-Hee

  • Fare la Volpe

    I was always waiting for Barry's balls to make headlines.

    This was not what I meant.

    • Serolf_Divad

      "Barry's Balls" would make a good name for a candy.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Alec Baldwin could be the spokesperson. He'd do great, I bet.

      • Gleem McShineys

        Chef knows the recipe.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    "Four players on the court are wearing mostly red Harlem Globetrotters sweats…." Are they black?

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Check to see if John Derbyshire is in the area. If he isn't then they might be.

  • DrunkIrishman

    I want Obama to give me his balls.

    • Limeylizzie

      That is the only occasion in which I would be proud to be a Tea Bagger.

      • widestanceromance

        There, there, LL. Taking pride in one's teabagging is essential to doing a good job, and. . .oh, you meant the cheap and ugly kind of teabagging.

        Carry on (and do try to keep calm).

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Beautiful.

  • IncenseDebate

    Sarah wants her face on some balls too.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      She's already had some balls on her face, so why not.

    • Fare la Volpe

      She is the Teabag Queen.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Chill-A-Sketch

      She can see balls from her nose.

    • Negropolis

      Particularly Rice balls.

  • MissTaken

    Obama's Balls are pretty big, just as I've always expected. Mmm….yum.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Obama's always cramming his balls down our throats!

    • Extemporanus

      SLAM JUNK!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So? I had some toilet paper with George Bush's face on it.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Breitbart is just mad because he never got the chance to play with Barry's balls.

    • GOPCrusher

      And he's still dead.

      • Generation[redacted]

        Yes, he keeps posting on his blog to complain about how dead he is.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I bet Satan has balls BB could play with, for eternity.

  • chascates

    And each time that ball is bounced the Saints cry.

  • SayItWithWookies

    And if it hadn't been for the heroes at Breitbart, the white people would never have found out. Damn.

  • Ducksworthy

    Oh. I thought that was a red white and blue watermelon with Obama's face on it. I guess I'll just have to wait for Fox for the real story.

  • north_of_moscow

    This is nuts. Talk about going after low-hanging fruit. Balls.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    How long before someone over at BigDeadGovernment or the Daily Rentboy posts an article saying that Obama's balls are the Obama administration's Watergate?

  • coolhandnuke

    Even the New Jersey Generals could beat Romney.

    • TheGyrus

      Washington Generals.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I am fresh out of ball jokes. I feel like I am dropping the ball.

    • Baconzgood

      Ball's in my court now?

      • Fare la Volpe

        Keep your eye on his ball.

        • Negropolis

          Lance Armstrong libel!

    • chicken_thief

      Dittos. I was waiting for an epiphany of a joke, but the thoughts are just coming in dribbles.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Hey, I'd get a doctor to look at that.

    • Gleem McShineys

      If you don't start making ball jokes around here, you'll definitely be sacked.

    • Callyson

      The President is juggling a lot of balls right now.

  • Baconzgood

    I'm not playing anymore you cheaters. I'm taking my POTUS and I'm going home.____(My wonkette haz the brokenz)

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Mine has been acting up too. But only twenty minutes left in the workday, so meh.

  • Lucidamente1

    That's a picture of John Derbyshire giving his kids "the talk." Props never hurt when you want to drive home a point.

    • Serolf_Divad

      This, son, is what a BLACK man looks like. Stare at it. Let it sink in. I pray to God you never see one in real life (just hang out at the National Review all day and you'll be OK).

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chill-A-Sketch

    Brietards can't jump.

    • Extemporanus

      DOUBLE DRIBBLE!

  • Extemporanus

    White men can't tweet.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    If you squint your eyes, a basketball look like a big "O".

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      Obviously a conspiracy by the White House.

    • teebob2000

      What the… ?? OMG you're right!!! Now he's he's indoctrinating our white childrens with circles!!! What WON'T that black devil stoop to??

  • gout

    Ballgate?

    • north_of_moscow

      This is just the tip of a much longer story that will take us into the deepest, darkest crevices of politics. There will be a lot of cocks. And no small amount of Balls.

      • gout

        Definitely going to require a deep throat before somebody gets it in the end.

        • Gleem McShineys

          Deep Throat (who was a leaker)
          somebody gets it in the end

          = SANTORUM!!

  • Wile E. Quixote

    How many balls did Jake Tapper have to put on his face to get where he is today?

    • Baconzgood

      All of 'em…etc. etc.

  • Goonemeritus

    At least they scaled them down so as not to show off.

  • cobweb2

    I guess this validates George Will's accusation that the POTUS is "loutish." Can't get much more loutish than throwing your balls around and encouraging the local PD to make finger rape an everyday sport. Whoops! That latter was a gang of louts from another branch of gov't!

  • Radio福井県

    Jake Tapper would know about dribbling.

  • sharethegrief

    This makes me nostalgic for Wilson, one of Tom Hanks' balls.

  • Baconzgood

    Testicular jokes for all!

    • MissTaken

      This story is nuts!

    • Gleem McShineys

      They're just a step down from dick jokes.

      • Mapmonger

        A STEP? Either your steps are very short, like a shuffling old, or those suckers hang down your pants leg something awful. Either way, have you seen a doctor about that?

        • Gleem McShineys

          Perhaps it is because of all the brass.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Testicular jokes for some, tiny American flags for others!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    When Bush was president, at Easter they gave out little scale models of 500-lb daisy cutter bombs with George's face painted on them, with a little voice balloon saying "Hello Abdul!!!"

    • Baconzgood

      The scary thing is that I'm not sure you're joking.

      • sullivanst

        It'll be hard to verify because no-one gave a shit back then, when the President was meh, not blah.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Or action figures of the little fuckhead wearing a flight suit on the deck of an aircraft carrier, that says "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!" when you push a button.

  • Baconzgood

    You know else who their face on balls?

    • Serolf_Divad

      Ted Haggard?

    • Pragmatist2

      Yogi Berra?

    • chicken_thief

      Monica?

    • chicken_thief

      Tebow? Also. Too, has had his hands on many balls. Prolly his face a few times as well.

    • Extemporanus

      Linda Lovelace?

    • GOPCrusher

      Rock Hudson?

    • Gleem McShineys

      OG Teabaggers?

    • Generation[redacted]

      According to comments in the link, every dictator in the history of the world ever.

    • McDonnellville

      Me?

  • elviouslyqueer

    And now for your obligatory Two Minutes Hate:

    These ubiquitous images of The Narcissistic One are starting to remind me of totalitarian states where on ever corner can be found an adoring monument or portrait of the dictator that is still alive and in power.

    Stay KKKlassy, Big Hollywood.

    • teebob2000

      I for one fully support this.

      • Generation[redacted]

        Especially in the South, alongside statues of General Sherman.

        • arihaya

          AND Lincoln, Southerners never called GOP "the party of Lincoln", they always call it "the party of Reagan"

    • Wile E. Quixote

      I wonder which one of the Breitbart sites will break the news about his autopsy report. From what I've heard it shows that his stomach contents were cocaine, bile and a large quantity of semen.

    • sullivanst

      Glad you picked the least offensive comment.

      I also made the mistake of heading over there and bottomfeedingreading… I think I might need a xanax.

      • James Michael Curley

        Or brain psyllium.

        • sullivanst

          Hmm, my exposure was recent enough that brain ipecac might be more effective.

          • James Michael Curley

            Good plan. Wait too long and one can imagine that the suppose it story can be quite painful.

    • OneYieldRegular

      He has a carefully thought out, incisive point. The face of the president on a basketball supplied by the Harlem Globetrotters at an Easter egg hunt is exactly like totalitarianism. I only wish Hannah Arendt were here to validate that.

  • chicken_thief

    Red, white and blue are the national colors of Kenya, too? Also?

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Everybody's making with the slutty little balls jokes, but what about the basket jokes, because they are basketballs, as in Easter baskets, and….
    Oh, fuck it. Balls.

  • gout

    Gaaa, no warning for the Breitbart link? I accidentally read some of the comments and now will have to start drinking again. My afternoon is shot.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Did someone say shot? Don't mind if I do.

      • gout

        Hell, it's Monday somewhere…

    • not that Dewey

      If you think that was bad, you should go read the comments on their RIP Mike Wallace article.

      [shudder]

  • Pragmatist2

    If the Harlem Globetrotters brought their balls, what did the Washington Generals bring?

    • Gleem McShineys

      It is a little confusing as you'd assume that it was the Washington Wizards who'd bring their wizard sleeves.

  • SorosBot

    Now that the Harlem Globetrotters are supporting Obama, the Breitbarters are going to lose a bunch of money betting on the Washington Generals.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Impeach the bastard!

  • Callyson

    I hope Obama remembers to bring those balls with him the next time he has to negotiate with the Republicans in Congress.

  • MissTaken

    True story!

    I was still in high school when during the holidays I went to one of those shops in the mall that sells t-shirts that you can have crappy personalized, screen-printing put on. We asked what holiday images they had (yes, I was looking to have an ugly xmas sweatshirt made, the uglier the better). The man showed us some boring snowmen and trees and then he excitedly exclaimed, "I've got big Christmas balls!".

    We laughed and laughed .

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "We laughed and laughed."

      And this just got me chucking. Awesome!

    • SorosBot

      I suppose Christmas balls should be painted red and green. Sexy!

      • Jus_Wonderin

        On a flocked tree, blue ones look nice.

        I love that word. Flocked. Flocked. Flocked.

  • Extemporanus

    Pssst…

    Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was the twentieth high jacker.

    (Pass it on…)

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Roger.

  • Callyson

    Someone needs to explain to FrightFart's followers how to bust some balls, since they clearly have no clue how to go about accomplishing that task.

    • pdiddycornchips

      Reminds me of the famous quote by James Carville.

      "If Hillary gave him one of her balls, they'd both have two"

    • elviouslyqueer

      They'd have to find their's first.

  • pdiddycornchips

    Wait, basketball egg rolls? I thought Lin-Sanity was over?

  • poorgradstudent

    Are those the balls they make the Guantanamo Bay prisoners play with in their $18.7 million playground? (That would be one way to make FOX News pay attention to national security issues…).

  • ph7

    Beats the George Bush emblazoned polo mallets my kids were given at the '02 WH easter egg roll

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    If they keep taking Obama's balls to the hole, they'll be cleaning the boards. Something, something, rimming, yes!

  • PuckStopsHere

    Why can't they play a game that was invented in America?

  • BarackMyWorld

    I can see Obama's balls, and Romney's nuts.

  • mavenmaven

    I wonder if Chef made a version of these.

  • widestanceromance

    I have two ball jokes, but one is longer than the other.

  • http://strangestoriesaboutsadpeople.blogspot.com/ Thedongsofwar

    I'd put the GOP up there with the Washington Generals.

  • hagajim

    There weren't any Zimmerman's in the neighborhood were there?

    • sullivanst

      Just Ryan and Jordan.

  • Limeylizzie

    I had a couple of dates with one of the Harlem Globetrotters, I was about 19 and 5'4" and he was about 29 and 7' tall, a match made in heaven.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      7 feet tall! He could probably talk directly to God.

      • Limeylizzie

        Well it was awkward over dinner, what with his legs and my tits there was hardly any room for the plates.

        • sezme

          Did you find out if they called him Curly Neal for nothing? (Sorry, I only remember the names of two (former) Globetrotters).

          • Limeylizzie

            Well, that's two more than me, I cannot remebmer his name , he was tall and black.

          • sullivanst

            Guess you're not a fan of The Amazing Race then (Flight Time, Big Easy)

        • George Spelvin

          So, did you go up on him? (Sorry).

    • ttommyunger

      Nose to nose, his feet was innit, nose to toes his feet was innit, hee, hee!

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    The BASTARD. Giving kids sporting equipment….

    • Antispandex

      I hear ya. In my day we had to get a crappy "job" that paid us next to nothing, or just go out and steal our sports equipment. Kids don't know how easy they have it today!

  • ElPinche

    Well one good thing is that Andrew Breitbart didn't post that story.

  • tessiee

    Speaking of balls, I'm driving with the car radio on, and somebody called in and requested "chocolate salty balls", and they *actually played it*!:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnNYXgV7L-c

    • Antispandex

      …because we are collapsing as a nation, not because we are funnier. Everything has hidden meaning now.

  • Antispandex

    Sure, basketballs. Not baseballs, which would be WAY more American as apple strudel. Not soccer balls, the worlds favorite game. Basketballs, and all of their hidden hoodie meaning. Way to give the election away! Might as well go over to Mitten's new deluxe multi-wives pad, and congratulate him right now!

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "Mitten's new deluxe multi-wives pad"

      I think I am going to wait until the Deluxe Multi-Wives Pad 5 comes out.

  • SheriffJoeBiden

    Finally the ultimate right-wing fantasy of being able to repeatedly slam Obama's face into the pavement is a reality, and these assholes STILL aren't happy. There's just no pleasing some people.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    The supreme court will not let this stand. They will rename themselves SCROTUS.

  • Naked_Bunny

    The balls are for emergency use by the Secret Service. Any assassination attempts by the Washington Generals will be met with lethal dodgeball force. The ref won't notice anything amiss.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Lies! I clicked that link and it was not the London Review of Books, at all!

  • meatpuppet2

    We must start the impeachment proceedings now!

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    I don't know who created those basketballs, but they would actually be pretty good swag for his campaign.

  • Troglodeity

    Not to be outdone, the Romney campaign is feverishly targeting its own base with Romney-visaged squash balls, Viagra tablets and yachting hats.

  • sezme

    Drudge Siren: Andrew Beitbart is still dead.

  • McDonnellville

    I've been trying to post less dirty/juvenile comments on Wonkette & then Newell posts this. BALLS!

  • tessiee

    For purposes of fairness:

    Tits.

  • GregComlish

    This is even worse than the Dick Cheney line of extra-low hanging Trucknutz that the Whitehouse gave out for Easter in 2006.

  • Negropolis

    Wow, when you have Jake Tapper defending the White House, something is horribly wrong.

  • ttommyunger

    After watching him roll over on us time and time again over the last three years, I figured somebody had his balls.