GET MAD ABOUT THIS!  4:12 pm April 9, 2012

THE VETTING: White House Giving Obama Balls To Children?

by Jim Newell

UglyLook what he’s done now.

Nothing is ever too shameless for our dear Celebrity in Chief, who couldn’t even finish his basketball game at the White House Egg Roll today because he was so busy making out with his own basketball face. From the pool report:

Four players on the court are wearing mostly red Harlem Globetrotters sweats while a few others are in black and navy. Some of the balls they’re playing with are red, white and blue with a presidential portrait …

Kids on the court practiced with some shooting and stretches until the president arrived at 11:13 after visiting a storytelling station …

Sounds like fun for everyone. Does this deserve any further reporting? Definitely not, which is why we now have further reporting on it:

Well, who was it, the Globetrotters or the NBA/WNBA players? Your story’s collapsing, White House. You’re finished.

[The London Review of Books, maybe]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 149 comments }

north_of_moscow April 9, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Balls.

Baconzgood April 9, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Tee-Hee

Fare la Volpe April 9, 2012 at 4:15 pm

I was always waiting for Barry's balls to make headlines.

This was not what I meant.

Serolf_Divad April 9, 2012 at 4:34 pm

"Barry's Balls" would make a good name for a candy.

Jus_Wonderin April 9, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Alec Baldwin could be the spokesperson. He'd do great, I bet.

Gleem McShineys April 9, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Chef knows the recipe.

Clancy_Pants April 9, 2012 at 4:15 pm

"Four players on the court are wearing mostly red Harlem Globetrotters sweats…." Are they black?

Wile E. Quixote April 9, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Check to see if John Derbyshire is in the area. If he isn't then they might be.

DrunkIrishman April 9, 2012 at 4:15 pm

I want Obama to give me his balls.

Limeylizzie April 9, 2012 at 5:15 pm

That is the only occasion in which I would be proud to be a Tea Bagger.

widestanceromance April 9, 2012 at 5:19 pm

There, there, LL. Taking pride in one's teabagging is essential to doing a good job, and. . .oh, you meant the cheap and ugly kind of teabagging.

Carry on (and do try to keep calm).

starfanglednut April 9, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Beautiful.

IncenseDebate April 9, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Sarah wants her face on some balls too.

Wile E. Quixote April 9, 2012 at 4:23 pm

She's already had some balls on her face, so why not.

Fare la Volpe April 9, 2012 at 4:31 pm

She is the Teabag Queen.

Chill-A-Sketch April 9, 2012 at 5:06 pm

She can see balls from her nose.

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 1:37 am

Particularly Rice balls.

MissTaken April 9, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Obama's Balls are pretty big, just as I've always expected. Mmm….yum.

Lascauxcaveman April 9, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Obama's always cramming his balls down our throats!

Extemporanus April 9, 2012 at 4:32 pm

SLAM JUNK!

BaldarTFlagass April 9, 2012 at 4:20 pm

So? I had some toilet paper with George Bush's face on it.

elviouslyqueer April 9, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Breitbart is just mad because he never got the chance to play with Barry's balls.

GOPCrusher April 9, 2012 at 4:26 pm

And he's still dead.

Generation[redacted] April 9, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Yes, he keeps posting on his blog to complain about how dead he is.

Jus_Wonderin April 9, 2012 at 4:42 pm

I bet Satan has balls BB could play with, for eternity.

chascates April 9, 2012 at 4:21 pm

And each time that ball is bounced the Saints cry.

SayItWithWookies April 9, 2012 at 4:21 pm

And if it hadn't been for the heroes at Breitbart, the white people would never have found out. Damn.

Ducksworthy April 9, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Oh. I thought that was a red white and blue watermelon with Obama's face on it. I guess I'll just have to wait for Fox for the real story.

north_of_moscow April 9, 2012 at 4:21 pm

This is nuts. Talk about going after low-hanging fruit. Balls.

Wile E. Quixote April 9, 2012 at 4:21 pm

How long before someone over at BigDeadGovernment or the Daily Rentboy posts an article saying that Obama's balls are the Obama administration's Watergate?

coolhandnuke April 9, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Even the New Jersey Generals could beat Romney.

TheGyrus April 10, 2012 at 9:54 am

Washington Generals.

Jus_Wonderin April 9, 2012 at 4:23 pm

I am fresh out of ball jokes. I feel like I am dropping the ball.

Baconzgood April 9, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Ball's in my court now?

Fare la Volpe April 9, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Keep your eye on his ball.

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 1:38 am

Lance Armstrong libel!

chicken_thief April 9, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Dittos. I was waiting for an epiphany of a joke, but the thoughts are just coming in dribbles.

Jus_Wonderin April 9, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Hey, I'd get a doctor to look at that.

Gleem McShineys April 9, 2012 at 4:36 pm

If you don't start making ball jokes around here, you'll definitely be sacked.

Callyson April 9, 2012 at 4:39 pm

The President is juggling a lot of balls right now.

Baconzgood April 9, 2012 at 4:23 pm

I'm not playing anymore you cheaters. I'm taking my POTUS and I'm going home.____(My wonkette haz the brokenz)

BaldarTFlagass April 9, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Mine has been acting up too. But only twenty minutes left in the workday, so meh.

Lucidamente1 April 9, 2012 at 4:24 pm

That's a picture of John Derbyshire giving his kids "the talk." Props never hurt when you want to drive home a point.

Serolf_Divad April 9, 2012 at 4:38 pm

This, son, is what a BLACK man looks like. Stare at it. Let it sink in. I pray to God you never see one in real life (just hang out at the National Review all day and you'll be OK).

Chill-A-Sketch April 9, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Brietards can't jump.

Extemporanus April 9, 2012 at 4:26 pm

DOUBLE DRIBBLE!

Extemporanus April 9, 2012 at 4:24 pm

White men can't tweet.

BaldarTFlagass April 9, 2012 at 4:24 pm

If you squint your eyes, a basketball look like a big "O".

Dr_Zoidberg April 9, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Obviously a conspiracy by the White House.

teebob2000 April 9, 2012 at 5:24 pm

What the… ?? OMG you're right!!! Now he's he's indoctrinating our white childrens with circles!!! What WON'T that black devil stoop to??

gout April 9, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Ballgate?

north_of_moscow April 9, 2012 at 4:31 pm

This is just the tip of a much longer story that will take us into the deepest, darkest crevices of politics. There will be a lot of cocks. And no small amount of Balls.

gout April 9, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Definitely going to require a deep throat before somebody gets it in the end.

Gleem McShineys April 9, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Deep Throat (who was a leaker)
somebody gets it in the end

= SANTORUM!!

Wile E. Quixote April 9, 2012 at 4:25 pm

How many balls did Jake Tapper have to put on his face to get where he is today?

Baconzgood April 9, 2012 at 4:29 pm

All of 'em…etc. etc.

Goonemeritus April 9, 2012 at 4:26 pm

At least they scaled them down so as not to show off.

cobweb2 April 9, 2012 at 4:26 pm

I guess this validates George Will's accusation that the POTUS is "loutish." Can't get much more loutish than throwing your balls around and encouraging the local PD to make finger rape an everyday sport. Whoops! That latter was a gang of louts from another branch of gov't!

Radio福井県 April 9, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Jake Tapper would know about dribbling.

sharethegrief April 9, 2012 at 4:28 pm

This makes me nostalgic for Wilson, one of Tom Hanks' balls.

Baconzgood April 9, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Testicular jokes for all!

MissTaken April 9, 2012 at 4:33 pm

This story is nuts!

Gleem McShineys April 9, 2012 at 4:50 pm

They're just a step down from dick jokes.

Mapmonger April 9, 2012 at 4:58 pm

A STEP? Either your steps are very short, like a shuffling old, or those suckers hang down your pants leg something awful. Either way, have you seen a doctor about that?

Gleem McShineys April 9, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Perhaps it is because of all the brass.

Generation[redacted] April 9, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Testicular jokes for some, tiny American flags for others!

BaldarTFlagass April 9, 2012 at 4:29 pm

When Bush was president, at Easter they gave out little scale models of 500-lb daisy cutter bombs with George's face painted on them, with a little voice balloon saying "Hello Abdul!!!"

Baconzgood April 9, 2012 at 4:31 pm

The scary thing is that I'm not sure you're joking.

sullivanst April 9, 2012 at 5:42 pm

It'll be hard to verify because no-one gave a shit back then, when the President was meh, not blah.

starfanglednut April 9, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Or action figures of the little fuckhead wearing a flight suit on the deck of an aircraft carrier, that says "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!" when you push a button.

Baconzgood April 9, 2012 at 4:30 pm

You know else who their face on balls?

Serolf_Divad April 9, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Ted Haggard?

Pragmatist2 April 9, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Yogi Berra?

chicken_thief April 9, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Monica?

chicken_thief April 9, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Tebow? Also. Too, has had his hands on many balls. Prolly his face a few times as well.

Extemporanus April 9, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Linda Lovelace?

GOPCrusher April 9, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Rock Hudson?

Gleem McShineys April 9, 2012 at 5:18 pm

OG Teabaggers?

Generation[redacted] April 9, 2012 at 5:46 pm

According to comments in the link, every dictator in the history of the world ever.

McDonnellville April 9, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Me?

elviouslyqueer April 9, 2012 at 4:30 pm

And now for your obligatory Two Minutes Hate:

These ubiquitous images of The Narcissistic One are starting to remind me of totalitarian states where on ever corner can be found an adoring monument or portrait of the dictator that is still alive and in power.

Stay KKKlassy, Big Hollywood.

teebob2000 April 9, 2012 at 5:30 pm

I for one fully support this.

Generation[redacted] April 9, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Especially in the South, alongside statues of General Sherman.

arihaya April 9, 2012 at 6:59 pm

AND Lincoln, Southerners never called GOP "the party of Lincoln", they always call it "the party of Reagan"

Wile E. Quixote April 9, 2012 at 5:46 pm

I wonder which one of the Breitbart sites will break the news about his autopsy report. From what I've heard it shows that his stomach contents were cocaine, bile and a large quantity of semen.

sullivanst April 9, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Glad you picked the least offensive comment.

I also made the mistake of heading over there and bottomfeedingreading… I think I might need a xanax.

James Michael Curley April 9, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Or brain psyllium.

sullivanst April 9, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Hmm, my exposure was recent enough that brain ipecac might be more effective.

James Michael Curley April 9, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Good plan. Wait too long and one can imagine that the suppose it story can be quite painful.

OneYieldRegular April 9, 2012 at 7:37 pm

He has a carefully thought out, incisive point. The face of the president on a basketball supplied by the Harlem Globetrotters at an Easter egg hunt is exactly like totalitarianism. I only wish Hannah Arendt were here to validate that.

chicken_thief April 9, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Red, white and blue are the national colors of Kenya, too? Also?

gurukalehuru April 9, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Everybody's making with the slutty little balls jokes, but what about the basket jokes, because they are basketballs, as in Easter baskets, and….
Oh, fuck it. Balls.

gout April 9, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Gaaa, no warning for the Breitbart link? I accidentally read some of the comments and now will have to start drinking again. My afternoon is shot.

Jus_Wonderin April 9, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Did someone say shot? Don't mind if I do.

gout April 9, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Hell, it's Monday somewhere…

not that Dewey April 9, 2012 at 5:15 pm

If you think that was bad, you should go read the comments on their RIP Mike Wallace article.

[shudder]

Pragmatist2 April 9, 2012 at 4:33 pm

If the Harlem Globetrotters brought their balls, what did the Washington Generals bring?

Gleem McShineys April 9, 2012 at 5:22 pm

It is a little confusing as you'd assume that it was the Washington Wizards who'd bring their wizard sleeves.

SorosBot April 9, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Now that the Harlem Globetrotters are supporting Obama, the Breitbarters are going to lose a bunch of money betting on the Washington Generals.

Dr_Zoidberg April 9, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Impeach the bastard!

Callyson April 9, 2012 at 4:37 pm

I hope Obama remembers to bring those balls with him the next time he has to negotiate with the Republicans in Congress.

MissTaken April 9, 2012 at 4:39 pm

True story!

I was still in high school when during the holidays I went to one of those shops in the mall that sells t-shirts that you can have crappy personalized, screen-printing put on. We asked what holiday images they had (yes, I was looking to have an ugly xmas sweatshirt made, the uglier the better). The man showed us some boring snowmen and trees and then he excitedly exclaimed, "I've got big Christmas balls!".

We laughed and laughed .

Jus_Wonderin April 9, 2012 at 4:49 pm

"We laughed and laughed."

And this just got me chucking. Awesome!

SorosBot April 9, 2012 at 5:02 pm

I suppose Christmas balls should be painted red and green. Sexy!

Jus_Wonderin April 9, 2012 at 5:09 pm

On a flocked tree, blue ones look nice.

I love that word. Flocked. Flocked. Flocked.

Extemporanus April 9, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Pssst…

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was the twentieth high jacker.

(Pass it on…)

Blueb4sunrise April 9, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Roger.

Callyson April 9, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Someone needs to explain to FrightFart's followers how to bust some balls, since they clearly have no clue how to go about accomplishing that task.

pdiddycornchips April 9, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Reminds me of the famous quote by James Carville.

"If Hillary gave him one of her balls, they'd both have two"

elviouslyqueer April 9, 2012 at 5:19 pm

They'd have to find their's first.

pdiddycornchips April 9, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Wait, basketball egg rolls? I thought Lin-Sanity was over?

poorgradstudent April 9, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Are those the balls they make the Guantanamo Bay prisoners play with in their $18.7 million playground? (That would be one way to make FOX News pay attention to national security issues…).

ph7 April 9, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Beats the George Bush emblazoned polo mallets my kids were given at the '02 WH easter egg roll

Chet Kincaid April 9, 2012 at 4:55 pm

If they keep taking Obama's balls to the hole, they'll be cleaning the boards. Something, something, rimming, yes!

PuckStopsHere April 9, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Why can't they play a game that was invented in America?

BarackMyWorld April 9, 2012 at 4:55 pm

I can see Obama's balls, and Romney's nuts.

mavenmaven April 9, 2012 at 4:58 pm

I wonder if Chef made a version of these.

widestanceromance April 9, 2012 at 5:06 pm

I have two ball jokes, but one is longer than the other.

Thedongsofwar April 9, 2012 at 5:15 pm

I'd put the GOP up there with the Washington Generals.

hagajim April 9, 2012 at 5:15 pm

There weren't any Zimmerman's in the neighborhood were there?

sullivanst April 9, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Just Ryan and Jordan.

Limeylizzie April 9, 2012 at 5:17 pm

I had a couple of dates with one of the Harlem Globetrotters, I was about 19 and 5'4" and he was about 29 and 7' tall, a match made in heaven.

Jus_Wonderin April 9, 2012 at 5:22 pm

7 feet tall! He could probably talk directly to God.

Limeylizzie April 9, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Well it was awkward over dinner, what with his legs and my tits there was hardly any room for the plates.

sezme April 9, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Did you find out if they called him Curly Neal for nothing? (Sorry, I only remember the names of two (former) Globetrotters).

Limeylizzie April 9, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Well, that's two more than me, I cannot remebmer his name , he was tall and black.

sullivanst April 9, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Guess you're not a fan of The Amazing Race then (Flight Time, Big Easy)

George Spelvin April 9, 2012 at 10:23 pm

So, did you go up on him? (Sorry).

ttommyunger April 10, 2012 at 8:39 am

Nose to nose, his feet was innit, nose to toes his feet was innit, hee, hee!

Maman April 9, 2012 at 5:21 pm

The BASTARD. Giving kids sporting equipment….

Antispandex April 9, 2012 at 6:18 pm

I hear ya. In my day we had to get a crappy "job" that paid us next to nothing, or just go out and steal our sports equipment. Kids don't know how easy they have it today!

ElPinche April 9, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Well one good thing is that Andrew Breitbart didn't post that story.

tessiee April 9, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Speaking of balls, I'm driving with the car radio on, and somebody called in and requested "chocolate salty balls", and they *actually played it*!:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnNYXgV7L-c

Antispandex April 9, 2012 at 5:40 pm

…because we are collapsing as a nation, not because we are funnier. Everything has hidden meaning now.

Antispandex April 9, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Sure, basketballs. Not baseballs, which would be WAY more American as apple strudel. Not soccer balls, the worlds favorite game. Basketballs, and all of their hidden hoodie meaning. Way to give the election away! Might as well go over to Mitten's new deluxe multi-wives pad, and congratulate him right now!

Jus_Wonderin April 9, 2012 at 5:43 pm

"Mitten's new deluxe multi-wives pad"

I think I am going to wait until the Deluxe Multi-Wives Pad 5 comes out.

SheriffJoeBiden April 9, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Finally the ultimate right-wing fantasy of being able to repeatedly slam Obama's face into the pavement is a reality, and these assholes STILL aren't happy. There's just no pleasing some people.

starfanglednut April 9, 2012 at 5:36 pm

The supreme court will not let this stand. They will rename themselves SCROTUS.

Naked_Bunny April 9, 2012 at 5:39 pm

The balls are for emergency use by the Secret Service. Any assassination attempts by the Washington Generals will be met with lethal dodgeball force. The ref won't notice anything amiss.

imissopus April 9, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Lies! I clicked that link and it was not the London Review of Books, at all!

meatpuppet2 April 9, 2012 at 5:42 pm

We must start the impeachment proceedings now!

imissopus April 9, 2012 at 5:43 pm

I don't know who created those basketballs, but they would actually be pretty good swag for his campaign.

Troglodeity April 9, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Not to be outdone, the Romney campaign is feverishly targeting its own base with Romney-visaged squash balls, Viagra tablets and yachting hats.

sezme April 9, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Drudge Siren: Andrew Beitbart is still dead.

McDonnellville April 9, 2012 at 6:23 pm

I've been trying to post less dirty/juvenile comments on Wonkette & then Newell posts this. BALLS!

tessiee April 9, 2012 at 10:00 pm

For purposes of fairness:

Tits.

GregComlish April 9, 2012 at 11:35 pm

This is even worse than the Dick Cheney line of extra-low hanging Trucknutz that the Whitehouse gave out for Easter in 2006.

Negropolis April 10, 2012 at 1:27 am

Wow, when you have Jake Tapper defending the White House, something is horribly wrong.

ttommyunger April 10, 2012 at 8:41 am

After watching him roll over on us time and time again over the last three years, I figured somebody had his balls.

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