GUIDED BY VOICES  11:09 am April 9, 2012

Former Television Personality Glenn Beck Cuts Last Ties With Sanity, Now Making Believe He Is President

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

A Beautiful MindHas former television personality Glenn Beck finally suffered a psychotic break? PROBABLY! He has now built a replica of the Oval Office and will be giving “addresses” from it every week because that is not at all a lunatic thing to do. You guys, we are so excited! What will be the first of Beck’s “Reaganesque” stemwinders? Will Drinky Nooner pen his delicate flourishes? Maybe! Will he go full-Beale? (Yes, he will go full-Beale.) Will he bark at the moon? Of course he will bark at the moon! Let us imagine some of his topics, after the jump!

* What you should tell your children about the blacks.

* Why Obama should not have race-hustled Passover by approvingly citing Tikkun, the Jewish ideal of repairing the world.

* Why Eric Holder should arrest Barack Obama for thinking Jesus had “doubts” in the Garden of Gethsemane.

* Why Eric Holder should arrest himself for letting a James O’Keefian ask for Eric Holder’s ballot.

* Something something something golf. [Politico]

 
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{ 134 comments }

nounverb911 April 9, 2012 at 11:11 am

Gle2n who?

actor212 April 9, 2012 at 11:16 am

Glen Gary Glen Ross?

Chill-A-Sketch April 9, 2012 at 11:17 am

"PUT THAT COFFEE DOWN!"

noodlesalad April 9, 2012 at 11:18 am

Fake oval offices are for closers!

actor212 April 9, 2012 at 11:24 am

See, this is why I love this place: no matter how outlandish and bizarre a trope my brain pops out, someone picks it up and runs with it.

It makes me feel less stabby.

Chill-A-Sketch April 9, 2012 at 11:35 am

You call yourself a gold salesman, you son of a bitch?

noodlesalad April 9, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Second prize is a set of gold kitchen knives. Third place is you're fired by Mitt Romney.

Baconzgood April 9, 2012 at 11:35 am

Glenn Beck. Do you want to see the memos…? He's nuts…He used to call in to Rush every week. When I was with Fox. And we were selling shitty gold coins…He's nuts…did you see how he was living?

Pragmatist2 April 9, 2012 at 11:26 am

Isn't "Glen Beck" a town in New Jersey?

SorosBot April 9, 2012 at 11:49 am

Or is it Glenda?

Barb April 9, 2012 at 11:12 am

I heard he told his wife, "stick with me and you'll be farting through silk in the Lincoln bedroom."

James Michael Curley April 9, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Right above the Oval Orifice.

Extemporanus April 9, 2012 at 11:12 am

OLIGARHY!

FakaktaSouth April 9, 2012 at 11:13 am

Oh shit. Easter didn't take apparently because when I saw that pic I got all excited and thought maybe he was Kincade-ing – natural causes of course – and now I am a terrible person and this asshole's fine. Thanks. I gotta go punch stuff now. Damn.

HELisforHEL April 9, 2012 at 11:30 am

I had the same hope. I shall join you in the punchathon now.

Wile E. Quixote April 9, 2012 at 11:54 am

Well I'm a bad person too. I was hoping that Glenn Beck was going to be the third member of the right-wing asshole trifecta, first Breitbart, then Thomas Kinkade and then Beck, but no such luck. Damn!

Come here a minute April 9, 2012 at 11:13 am

If you build it, they will come…and thus Beck expects to see Reagan emerge from the cornfield to throw him the nucular football.

IncenseDebate April 9, 2012 at 11:14 am

Needz moar chalkboard conspiracy theory.

Gratuitous World April 9, 2012 at 11:14 am

DRUDGE SIREN! FEMA Spends YOUR tax dollars creating Internment Camps that replicate Oval Office
!!!

Barb April 9, 2012 at 11:14 am

I'm sure his followers, the beckerheads will enjoy every moment of this.

Callyson April 9, 2012 at 12:07 pm

I first read that as "peckerheads." Which works also, too.

Barb April 9, 2012 at 12:14 pm

It's a play on peckerheads.

Gleem McShineys April 9, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Don't play with those, you don't know where those have been, young lady!

Barb April 9, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Pass the hand sanitizer, Gleem.

FNMA April 9, 2012 at 11:15 am

BECK: "I keep pushing the red button, but nothing happens. What's wrong with this thing?"

chicken_thief April 9, 2012 at 12:48 pm

The Staples "Easy" button would have the balls to ignore the Glennmeister?!

Not_So_Much April 9, 2012 at 11:15 am

I'll bet the Mormons start to be a bit less enthusiastic that he's one of their own.

Rotundo_ April 9, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Not so long as the dues keep coming in. Ten percent of Glenndos is a pretty handsome take for the LDS folk down on Tabernacle square to turn away from. Only if he started taking on the church itself. Then he'd be toast in milliseconds.

Chill-A-Sketch April 9, 2012 at 11:15 am

You know who else built a replica of the Oval Office?

SexySmurf April 9, 2012 at 11:19 am

Aaron Sorkin?

noodlesalad April 9, 2012 at 11:20 am

The Soviets?

Radio福井県 April 9, 2012 at 11:22 am

Romney?

actor212 April 9, 2012 at 11:25 am

That kind old man in Dubuque with no friends but lots of toothpicks?

GOPCrusher April 9, 2012 at 12:52 pm

They warned him about drinking water straight out of the Mississippi River.

Chet Kincaid April 9, 2012 at 11:37 am

Shonda Rhimes?

Baconzgood April 9, 2012 at 11:38 am

West Wing?

WiscDad April 9, 2012 at 11:54 am

The Israelites?

iburl April 9, 2012 at 11:54 am

Superman II crew?

Callyson April 9, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Donald Trump?

chicken_thief April 9, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Alexander Haig?

gurukalehuru April 9, 2012 at 2:04 pm

LEGO?

redarmyzombie April 9, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Rupert Murdoch?

freakishlywrong April 9, 2012 at 11:15 am

Has former television personality Glenn Beck finally suffered a psychotic break?

Yes. Emphatically yes. In January of 2009, to be exact.

Terry April 9, 2012 at 11:17 am

Wasn't he supposed to be dying or going blind a year or so ago?

YasserArraFeck April 9, 2012 at 11:21 am

No, that was just a dream, and then you woke up

actor212 April 9, 2012 at 11:21 am

All that fapping…poor boy.

Oblios_Cap April 9, 2012 at 11:45 am

You ain't seen nothing yet. If his fellow Mormon gets elected, Beck will dehydrate and run out of socks.

actor212 April 9, 2012 at 11:47 am

You almost give me a reason to vote Romney.

WhatTheHeck April 9, 2012 at 11:53 am

Yep. He was ‘healed’ when enough gold coins were sold.

Terry April 9, 2012 at 12:01 pm

A lesson he learned from televangelists. Send money of God will call me to Heaven.

McDonnellville April 9, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Beck could start selling non-Mormons their own afterlife planets.

donner_froh April 9, 2012 at 11:17 am

Reganesque in tone = read from a script without understanding anything he is saying.

noodlesalad April 9, 2012 at 11:17 am

Now I get it. Glenn was that asshole kid whose dad built him a fantastic treehouse, and then invented all of these rules (no girls, you have to take your pants off to come in, etc.) that meant he was the only person who got to enjoy his pantless, lady-less pretend playhouse.

actor212 April 9, 2012 at 11:18 am

Has he upgraded to a white board? I mean, now that he's not on FOX, no need to pretend to be inclusive…

YasserArraFeck April 9, 2012 at 11:19 am

Finally, a remake of "The West Wing" the 'Baggers can get behind – none of this Bartlet soshulizm nonsense

Doktor StrangeZoom April 9, 2012 at 11:57 am

Walk with me.

YasserArraFeck April 9, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Gotta get the fat fuck out of bed first

Baconzgood April 9, 2012 at 11:19 am

I'm not the president but I do play an fat unhinged ego-manic that rips off people on web TV.

ManchuCandidate April 9, 2012 at 11:20 am

Probably scaring the neighborhood kids with talk of breaking through to them via their Overton Windows.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 9, 2012 at 11:46 am

Beck is stuck with Overton Windows ME, and damned if he can get anything to work.

Radio福井県 April 9, 2012 at 11:20 am

It's another one of those Surreality Shows.

north_of_moscow April 9, 2012 at 11:20 am

But does he have a trolley? You must have a trolley to get to the Neighborhood of Make Believe.

BaldarTFlagass April 9, 2012 at 11:22 am

"I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream; that's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor… and surviving. "

FNMA April 9, 2012 at 11:27 am

The horror…the horror…

Jus_Wonderin April 9, 2012 at 11:43 am

It could only be worse if the snail fell into a bowl of salty, mixed nuts.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 9, 2012 at 11:45 am

Please sir, remember where you are! A bowl of lightly-salted poisoned rat dicks.

proudgrampa April 9, 2012 at 11:28 am

To the right: What the Hell does Shawna really want? And where is Kortney?

Who is Glenn Beck?

BaldarTFlagass April 9, 2012 at 11:28 am

"Something something something golf."

Then he dropped his snow globe of the Twin Towers, and muttered "Rosebud" as it shattered on the floor.

Swampgas_Man April 9, 2012 at 11:38 am

But he was ALONE. So how'd anybody HEAR his last words, huh? HOW?

BaldarTFlagass April 9, 2012 at 11:50 am

The NSA provided the transcript.

actor212 April 9, 2012 at 11:56 am

Was "Rosebud" the name of the chick he killed?

bagofmice April 9, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Wasn't that back in the 90's?

GOPCrusher April 9, 2012 at 1:00 pm

He never has denied it.

Data Exactly April 9, 2012 at 1:39 pm

You'd better hope Beckbama doesn't read that or he'll sign an Executive Order against you you won't soon forget.

LetUsBray April 9, 2012 at 11:28 am

Isn't that pic from his botched ass surgery? I can see where they messed up.

ifthethunderdontgetya April 9, 2012 at 11:28 am

"I don't see any method at all, Sir."
~

Baconzgood April 9, 2012 at 11:29 am

NEEDZ MOAR TIN FOIL HAT!

elgin_pelican April 9, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Got plenty, needs less.

SexySmurf April 9, 2012 at 11:29 am

President Beck's first order of business: Full pardons for everyone who raped and murdered a young girl in 1990.

freakishlywrong April 9, 2012 at 11:29 am

So, unelected justices legislating from the bench, and unelected lunatics dictating to the elected guy what he should be talking about from a fake oval office. Costa Rica or Belize?

actor212 April 9, 2012 at 11:34 am

BELIZE LIBEL!

ifthethunderdontgetya April 9, 2012 at 11:44 am

Funny you should mention this…

Belize

Costa Rica

Probably best to pick somewhere with some altitude, for when the oceans rise.
~

OC_Surf_Serf April 9, 2012 at 11:30 am

Looks like we need to spray for glennbecks again…

Chet Kincaid April 9, 2012 at 11:30 am

Hey Beck: Neil Simon says we're gonna lose Olbermann if you don't hurry up and sign on as Felix!

UnholyMoses April 9, 2012 at 11:31 am

The Beckster is such a delicious blend of fucking nuts and clinically stupid that his re-created Oval Office will wind up being a rhombus.

Baconzgood April 9, 2012 at 11:39 am

QUADRILATERAL LIBEL!

SoBeach April 9, 2012 at 11:56 am

I love Glenn Beck. The fact that there are people who listen and agree with him is absolute proof that there are distinct sub-species of homo sapiens. Listening to him is like watching an anthropology documentary.

actor212 April 9, 2012 at 12:00 pm

I'd take comfort in that only when David Attenborough starts narrating.

actor212 April 9, 2012 at 12:01 pm

I'm holding out for a Hypercube

SorosBot April 9, 2012 at 11:32 am

Remember, this is the man who proved to be too crazy for Fox; of course he's gone full-on psycho now.

qwerty42 April 9, 2012 at 11:32 am

Will the "Secretary of the Treasury" or the "Chairman of the Federal Reserve" come in to be treated to an attack on fiat money and an announcement the country is returning to the gold standard? And will President Beck be selling gold to his ever-gullible audience? Do we get to go to war with anyone?

Pragmatist2 April 9, 2012 at 11:32 am

Gingrich gets to use it on Thursdays.
Donald Trump is negotiating for Tuesday.

arduinohacker April 9, 2012 at 11:32 am

If someone had told Vladimir Zyworkin and Philo T Farnsworth that someday their inventions would be used by a drugged-out loser to recline on his bed and describe what he's feeling after hemmoroid surgery, and that thoze billions of pixels would go flashing around the world at light-speed and make blood drip from our eyeballs, they would not have invented TV.

Rotundo_ April 9, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Marconi would have smashed the radio as well. Actually I think Glenn's performance on "Ow! My Ass!" was the crowning glory of his career. He hasn't come up with anything reality based before or since.

PuckStopsHere April 9, 2012 at 11:33 am

I'll bet he rapes and murders a young girl in there.

SorosBot April 9, 2012 at 11:35 am

"Will he bark at the moon?"

Wasn't "Bark At the Moon" the subtitle of Michael Bay's latest travesty of a Transformers film?

Jus_Wonderin April 9, 2012 at 11:41 am

Bark? I thought the moon was covered in tasty cheese.

BTWBFDIMHO April 9, 2012 at 11:35 am

He built it so he can have a BJ from Phyllis Schlafly.

Rotundo_ April 9, 2012 at 12:57 pm

When the old dear pops out the dentures I bet she'll rock Glenn's world…

Goonemeritus April 9, 2012 at 11:36 am

If I was making up the list of “things I wish the President would say”, announcing the opening of the FEMA death camps would be high on my list.

FNMA April 9, 2012 at 11:37 am

OK, for some reason, I have a copy of The Overton Window right here. I know, I'm not sure how it happened either. Anyway, here's some fun stuff. A woman crawls into the protagonist's bed, making the man promise that nothing of a "sexy" nature would occur. And the man says, "I've got some rules, too, and rule number one is, don't tease the panther."

The panther? I thought he called it "little Glenn."

James Michael Curley April 9, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Close the Window you're letting in a Daft.

Jus_Wonderin April 9, 2012 at 11:38 am

Meanwhile…this will never get built. How screwed up is this world?
http://trekmovie.com/2012/04/07/find-out-how-las-

Jus_Wonderin April 9, 2012 at 11:39 am

I hope he forgets to install the exit door.

freakishlywrong April 9, 2012 at 11:39 am

And please Morning Doucheborough, show us someone "on the left" that ever did crazy ass shit like this. Anyone?

Blueb4sunrise April 9, 2012 at 11:41 am

On the bright side, the 'links' box is half empty, so there's that.

I suggest the box be filled with the gif that TBogg posted the other day.
http://tbogg.firedoglake.com/2012/04/06/friday-th

Doktor StrangeZoom April 9, 2012 at 11:42 am

As a public service over at The Atlantic, Max Fisher presents "What Parents Tell Their Children About John Derbyshire"

Edit: The comments are a prime example of why unmoderated comment sections are a Bad Idea.

MissTaken April 9, 2012 at 11:42 am

And shockingly I STILL refuse to add his GBTV channel on my Roku. What's wrong with me?

actor212 April 9, 2012 at 11:46 am

I'm waiting for the Deathwatch announcement. Then I plan on streaming him 24/7.

SorosBot April 9, 2012 at 11:47 am

You want to retain you sanity?

ManchuCandidate April 9, 2012 at 11:46 am

Joe Gillis: You're Glenda Beck. You used to be on cable newz. You used to be big.
Glenda Beck: I *am* big. It's the *cable newz* that got small.

JohnnyQuick April 9, 2012 at 11:50 am

Please, someone, get this nut to the Repub Convention — would love to see him take Utah's delegates away from fellow Mormon the Rombot. Maybe they can helicopter his Oval Office Playset to the Buccaneers stadium

deanbooth April 9, 2012 at 11:55 am

A photo of Glenn Beck in a replica Oval Office = the new goatse

SheriffJoeBiden April 9, 2012 at 11:55 am

It will be accurate down to the smallest detail, except instead of a Kremlin hotline it will have a direct connection to Goldline. And intstead of no marble bust of Curchill it will have a Woodrow Wilson bedpan. And instead of a locus of near-incomprehensible power and influence, it will be the wingnut conman equivalent of a creepily realistic train set.

iburl April 9, 2012 at 11:59 am

Some subtle differences between the real Oval Office and the Glenn Beck Oval Office.

- The Red phone does not connect directly to the Kremlin, but to Papa John's.
- The Nuclear Football is just a Tim Tebow football.
- Instead of receiving heads of state, the people in GBOO are likely to receive head lice.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 9, 2012 at 12:00 pm

The big question: Will Anne Coulter, Michelle Malkin, or Pam Geller get the coveted "Mrs. Landingham" role?

SheriffRoscoe April 9, 2012 at 12:00 pm

I simply don't care to participate in any of Glenn Beck's role-play fantasies, tyvm.

JustPixelz April 9, 2012 at 12:00 pm

A 15 minute Beck presidency scares me more than 15 minutes with George Zimmerman in a hoodie store.

Sure, he can declare war on liberals or Iran from his replica of the Oval Office, but without a replica Pentagon, how's he gonna carry it out.

When he says his speeches will be "Reaganesque", I assume he will also be dead.

JustPixelz April 9, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Is this when the Repubicans issue a fatwah against Beck for portraying the Prophet Reagan?

bureaucrap April 9, 2012 at 12:09 pm

It would have been more appropriate if he had built himself a replica of the Reichskanzlerei.

bureaucrap April 9, 2012 at 12:11 pm

He certainly is partially similar to the (fictional? maybe not) character Howard Beale — he is as mad as hell. However, WE are the ones that are not going to take it any more.

PhilippePetain April 9, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Dude, that Derbyshire article is AMAZING. I mean, I've read his stuff for a long time, and there is always always racial animus involved, but this stuff is just straight up crotchety-old-racist-on-the-front-porch style. There's a certain portion of the winger population that's eventually just going to snap and state for the record that they hate the blacks, and it would not surprise me at all if Derbyshire was one of them.

owhatever April 9, 2012 at 12:14 pm

After that he will build a choo-choo train to take him all across this fruited land, so he can make speeches from the caboose. "MRYCLIS URALCWT," he will shout to the crowd of two curious kids. "REPYTBLS FTTSSPIT GOLDLINE." Soon or later, someone will throw a net over him.

bureaucrap April 9, 2012 at 12:23 pm

He is Ozymandias, King of Kings.

Tundra Grifter April 9, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Wait 'til Duh Gov'Nuh hears someone else is claiming to be President of the US of A!

Look out! You betcha!

GOPCrusher April 9, 2012 at 1:08 pm

You just know she is going to be the first guest speaker from the Glenn Beck Oval Office.
I just wonder how they will get the stains out of the chair when she is done.

LiveToServeYa April 9, 2012 at 1:01 pm

What he doesn't know is the replica is a quarter scale.

valthemus April 9, 2012 at 1:13 pm

He's just a synapse misfire away from an all-consuming, obsessive worry about the contamination of his precious bodily fluids. Once he's busy with that, his nosedive into irrelevance will be complete and we'll never need to hear about him again. (Huzzah!)

GeorgiaBurning April 9, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Does he still wear that East German-ish looking uniform when home by himself or did he give it to the doorman?

KotBR April 9, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Where in the blueprints does it say 'make it big enough to see on the radio, stupid!'?

Wile E. Quixote April 9, 2012 at 4:37 pm

I'm waiting for Glenn Beck's replica of the Oval Office to turn out to be like Spinal Tap's replica of Stonehenge.

extreme_left April 9, 2012 at 5:00 pm

can't wait to hear his show on poop deck

ttommyunger April 10, 2012 at 9:03 am

A Country as large as ours has enough full-blown nut cases within its populace to support this turd in style for the rest of his life, sadly. Remember Jim Bakker? That dickwad is still on the toob, soaking the rubes, living in style…..Fucking amazing!

Chill-A-Sketch April 9, 2012 at 1:41 pm

First prize is one of Ann Romney's Cadillacs.

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