guided by voices

Former Television Personality Glenn Beck Cuts Last Ties With Sanity, Now Making Believe He Is President

A Beautiful MindHas former television personality Glenn Beck finally suffered a psychotic break? PROBABLY! He has now built a replica of the Oval Office and will be giving “addresses” from it every week because that is not at all a lunatic thing to do. You guys, we are so excited! What will be the first of Beck’s “Reaganesque” stemwinders? Will Drinky Nooner pen his delicate flourishes? Maybe! Will he go full-Beale? (Yes, he will go full-Beale.) Will he bark at the moon? Of course he will bark at the moon! Let us imagine some of his topics, after the jump!

* What you should tell your children about the blacks.

* Why Obama should not have race-hustled Passover by approvingly citing Tikkun, the Jewish ideal of repairing the world.

* Why Eric Holder should arrest Barack Obama for thinking Jesus had “doubts” in the Garden of Gethsemane.

* Why Eric Holder should arrest himself for letting a James O’Keefian ask for Eric Holder’s ballot.

* Something something something golf. [Politico]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


        1. actor212

          See, this is why I love this place: no matter how outlandish and bizarre a trope my brain pops out, someone picks it up and runs with it.

          It makes me feel less stabby.

          1. noodlesalad

            Second prize is a set of gold kitchen knives. Third place is you're fired by Mitt Romney.

      1. Baconzgood

        Glenn Beck. Do you want to see the memos…? He's nuts…He used to call in to Rush every week. When I was with Fox. And we were selling shitty gold coins…He's nuts…did you see how he was living?

  1. Barb

    I heard he told his wife, "stick with me and you'll be farting through silk in the Lincoln bedroom."

  2. FakaktaSouth

    Oh shit. Easter didn't take apparently because when I saw that pic I got all excited and thought maybe he was Kincade-ing – natural causes of course – and now I am a terrible person and this asshole's fine. Thanks. I gotta go punch stuff now. Damn.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Well I'm a bad person too. I was hoping that Glenn Beck was going to be the third member of the right-wing asshole trifecta, first Breitbart, then Thomas Kinkade and then Beck, but no such luck. Damn!

  3. Come here a minute

    If you build it, they will come…and thus Beck expects to see Reagan emerge from the cornfield to throw him the nucular football.

    1. Rotundo_

      Not so long as the dues keep coming in. Ten percent of Glenndos is a pretty handsome take for the LDS folk down on Tabernacle square to turn away from. Only if he started taking on the church itself. Then he'd be toast in milliseconds.

  4. freakishlywrong

    Has former television personality Glenn Beck finally suffered a psychotic break?

    Yes. Emphatically yes. In January of 2009, to be exact.

      1. Oblios_Cap

        You ain't seen nothing yet. If his fellow Mormon gets elected, Beck will dehydrate and run out of socks.

  5. noodlesalad

    Now I get it. Glenn was that asshole kid whose dad built him a fantastic treehouse, and then invented all of these rules (no girls, you have to take your pants off to come in, etc.) that meant he was the only person who got to enjoy his pantless, lady-less pretend playhouse.

  6. YasserArraFeck

    Finally, a remake of "The West Wing" the 'Baggers can get behind – none of this Bartlet soshulizm nonsense

  7. Baconzgood

    I'm not the president but I do play an fat unhinged ego-manic that rips off people on web TV.

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Beck is stuck with Overton Windows ME, and damned if he can get anything to work.

  8. north_of_moscow

    But does he have a trolley? You must have a trolley to get to the Neighborhood of Make Believe.

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    "I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream; that's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor… and surviving. "

      1. Doktor StrangeZoom

        Please sir, remember where you are! A bowl of lightly-salted poisoned rat dicks.

  10. proudgrampa

    To the right: What the Hell does Shawna really want? And where is Kortney?

    Who is Glenn Beck?

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    "Something something something golf."

    Then he dropped his snow globe of the Twin Towers, and muttered "Rosebud" as it shattered on the floor.

          1. Data Exactly

            You'd better hope Beckbama doesn't read that or he'll sign an Executive Order against you you won't soon forget.

  12. SexySmurf

    President Beck's first order of business: Full pardons for everyone who raped and murdered a young girl in 1990.

  13. freakishlywrong

    So, unelected justices legislating from the bench, and unelected lunatics dictating to the elected guy what he should be talking about from a fake oval office. Costa Rica or Belize?

  14. UnholyMoses

    The Beckster is such a delicious blend of fucking nuts and clinically stupid that his re-created Oval Office will wind up being a rhombus.

    1. SoBeach

      I love Glenn Beck. The fact that there are people who listen and agree with him is absolute proof that there are distinct sub-species of homo sapiens. Listening to him is like watching an anthropology documentary.

  15. SorosBot

    Remember, this is the man who proved to be too crazy for Fox; of course he's gone full-on psycho now.

  16. qwerty42

    Will the "Secretary of the Treasury" or the "Chairman of the Federal Reserve" come in to be treated to an attack on fiat money and an announcement the country is returning to the gold standard? And will President Beck be selling gold to his ever-gullible audience? Do we get to go to war with anyone?

  17. arduinohacker

    If someone had told Vladimir Zyworkin and Philo T Farnsworth that someday their inventions would be used by a drugged-out loser to recline on his bed and describe what he's feeling after hemmoroid surgery, and that thoze billions of pixels would go flashing around the world at light-speed and make blood drip from our eyeballs, they would not have invented TV.

    1. Rotundo_

      Marconi would have smashed the radio as well. Actually I think Glenn's performance on "Ow! My Ass!" was the crowning glory of his career. He hasn't come up with anything reality based before or since.

  18. SorosBot

    "Will he bark at the moon?"

    Wasn't "Bark At the Moon" the subtitle of Michael Bay's latest travesty of a Transformers film?

  19. Goonemeritus

    If I was making up the list of “things I wish the President would say”, announcing the opening of the FEMA death camps would be high on my list.

  20. FNMA

    OK, for some reason, I have a copy of The Overton Window right here. I know, I'm not sure how it happened either. Anyway, here's some fun stuff. A woman crawls into the protagonist's bed, making the man promise that nothing of a "sexy" nature would occur. And the man says, "I've got some rules, too, and rule number one is, don't tease the panther."

    The panther? I thought he called it "little Glenn."

  21. freakishlywrong

    And please Morning Doucheborough, show us someone "on the left" that ever did crazy ass shit like this. Anyone?

  22. JohnnyQuick

    Please, someone, get this nut to the Repub Convention — would love to see him take Utah's delegates away from fellow Mormon the Rombot. Maybe they can helicopter his Oval Office Playset to the Buccaneers stadium

  23. SheriffJoeBiden

    It will be accurate down to the smallest detail, except instead of a Kremlin hotline it will have a direct connection to Goldline. And intstead of no marble bust of Curchill it will have a Woodrow Wilson bedpan. And instead of a locus of near-incomprehensible power and influence, it will be the wingnut conman equivalent of a creepily realistic train set.

  24. iburl

    Some subtle differences between the real Oval Office and the Glenn Beck Oval Office.

    – The Red phone does not connect directly to the Kremlin, but to Papa John's.
    – The Nuclear Football is just a Tim Tebow football.
    – Instead of receiving heads of state, the people in GBOO are likely to receive head lice.

  25. Doktor StrangeZoom

    The big question: Will Anne Coulter, Michelle Malkin, or Pam Geller get the coveted "Mrs. Landingham" role?

  26. SheriffRoscoe

    I simply don't care to participate in any of Glenn Beck's role-play fantasies, tyvm.

  27. JustPixelz

    A 15 minute Beck presidency scares me more than 15 minutes with George Zimmerman in a hoodie store.

    Sure, he can declare war on liberals or Iran from his replica of the Oval Office, but without a replica Pentagon, how's he gonna carry it out.

    When he says his speeches will be "Reaganesque", I assume he will also be dead.

  28. JustPixelz

    Is this when the Repubicans issue a fatwah against Beck for portraying the Prophet Reagan?

  29. bureaucrap

    It would have been more appropriate if he had built himself a replica of the Reichskanzlerei.

  30. bureaucrap

    He certainly is partially similar to the (fictional? maybe not) character Howard Beale — he is as mad as hell. However, WE are the ones that are not going to take it any more.

  31. PhilippePetain

    Dude, that Derbyshire article is AMAZING. I mean, I've read his stuff for a long time, and there is always always racial animus involved, but this stuff is just straight up crotchety-old-racist-on-the-front-porch style. There's a certain portion of the winger population that's eventually just going to snap and state for the record that they hate the blacks, and it would not surprise me at all if Derbyshire was one of them.

  32. owhatever

    After that he will build a choo-choo train to take him all across this fruited land, so he can make speeches from the caboose. "MRYCLIS URALCWT," he will shout to the crowd of two curious kids. "REPYTBLS FTTSSPIT GOLDLINE." Soon or later, someone will throw a net over him.

  33. Tundra Grifter

    Wait 'til Duh Gov'Nuh hears someone else is claiming to be President of the US of A!

    Look out! You betcha!

    1. GOPCrusher

      You just know she is going to be the first guest speaker from the Glenn Beck Oval Office.
      I just wonder how they will get the stains out of the chair when she is done.

  34. valthemus

    He's just a synapse misfire away from an all-consuming, obsessive worry about the contamination of his precious bodily fluids. Once he's busy with that, his nosedive into irrelevance will be complete and we'll never need to hear about him again. (Huzzah!)

  35. GeorgiaBurning

    Does he still wear that East German-ish looking uniform when home by himself or did he give it to the doorman?

  36. Wile E. Quixote

    I'm waiting for Glenn Beck's replica of the Oval Office to turn out to be like Spinal Tap's replica of Stonehenge.

  37. ttommyunger

    A Country as large as ours has enough full-blown nut cases within its populace to support this turd in style for the rest of his life, sadly. Remember Jim Bakker? That dickwad is still on the toob, soaking the rubes, living in style…..Fucking amazing!

Comments are closed.