Have they had their mandatory abortions?Let this delightful tale to see you through your cold and lonely Passover. In Alaska, some senator (not Murkowski) wanted a proclamation from the state of a ‘year of the girl,’ that would also honor the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. The senator asked her student intern to present the measure.

Then came Rep. Wes Keller, the conservative Wasilla Republican filling in as chair of the committee. He had seen something on the Internet about the Girl Scouts, he said, and suddenly [student intern Katya] Wassillie found herself in the crossfire of the culture wars.

“I’m sure you are aware of the information that’s floating around the Internet, and I’d like to give you the opportunity to respond to your connection, the Girl Scout connection, with Planned Parenthood and the activist role in that — is there a connection? Is there not? Frankly, I haven’t looked into it but I see it’s out there. I just wondered if you want to make a statement on that,” Keller said.

Then some dick Wasilla Rep. put the kibosh on it because he had seen some shit on Teh Internetz that the Girl Scouts = Planned Parenthood = slutbortions. And so now the measure has been delayed until all his embarrassed colleagues beat him into submission/releasing it from committee.

Later, Rep. Paul Seaton, the Homer Republican on the State Affairs Committee who’s wife is the southern Kenai Girl Scout official, described Keller’s remarks as “unusual.”

“Everybody else appeared to be taken aback by the statement and holding the bill,” Seaton said. “I’ve never seen Girl Scouts on the Kenai Peninsula attached to other groups such as that. I’ve seen a lot of camp-outs, I’ve seen a lot of cookie sales and I’ve seen a lot of challenging hikes and trips across the bay and in the reservoir, kayaking, and learning the canoe and water safety. I’m sure they promote good healthy lifestyles for kids too. That’s what we need for all our kids.”

‘Leetist. [AnchorageDailyNews]

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  • nounverb911

    I nominate Bristol as "Girl of the Century" for her brave entry into the Trial Marriage from which she will be soon divorced.

  • Antispandex

    "…is there a connection? Is there not? Frankly, I haven’t looked into it but I see it’s out there. I just wondered if you want to make a statement on that,”

    "Yes, I would like to make a statement. Fuck You! OH, wait, you meant about the non-question, about the non-problem, that you admit you know nothing about? Sure, Fuck You".

    • FraAnima

      If I could upfist you multple times for that comment, I would.

    • Callyson

      "I'm sorry, I am unable to provide the response that would be appropriate for your comment–I just relieved myself in the bathroom before coming here to testify."

    • C_R_Eature

      We'd accept "Go Fuck Yourself" also, thanks.

  • I read on the internet that the Girl Scouts give out merit badges for cunnilingus.

    • Schmannnity

      To Boy Scouts you mean.

    • Lucidamente1

      That's how a Cub Scout becomes a Boy Scout: when he eats his first Brownie. (I know, ewww.)

      • phlox✔

        Don't forget the Webelos. You won't believe what they have to do…

        • … take care of the jars of fetuses.

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      I think I actually saw that on

  • Sue4466

    Irony: if this guy had been a Girl Scout he wouldn't be this fucking stupid.

  • nounverb911

    Speaking of Passover, does Bristol's new temporary husband know where to "hide the Afikoman"?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I got my abortion merit badge when I was just a brownie. Ah, those were the days.

  • Sue4466

    "I saw some shit on the internets, didn't read it or nuthing. Now you gotta prove to me it's not true. GO!"

    • Every bit of the "shit on the internets" on this subject can be traced back to ONE hallucinating fundamentalist Christian woman in suburban Phoenix who blogs about all the ways Girl Scouts are baby-killing, anti-American lesbian Wiccans. Her crusade has now been co-opted by the conservative, that group that claims to represent more than a million moms, when their Facebook page only has 50,000 likes.

      • BerkeleyBear

        The fact it has 50000 is scary enough. Even if it is just the same nutjob trying to use multiple IP addresses.

    • HippieEsq

      This actually makes him slightly better than the rest of the right wing nut sacks. The usual version is "you can't prove to me it's wrong". it's the "year of reason" in Alaska!

      • Biff

        Downright reasonable in comparison!

        • Swampgas_Man

          Hell, I'm just surprised and grateful that every other Repub didn't jump on the bandwagon w/ this dork. "Hey, what a brilliant way to get nothing done AND git mentioned on the news!"

          • HippieEsq

            Let's see how this one plays out. You just might have laid out the winningest (but still big epic fail) of all the GOP's 2012 strategies.

  • pinkocommi

    The Girl Scouts are the cleverest child-labor-ring-made-socially-acceptable in history. But somebody pass me another Thin Mint because they are delicious.

    • Antispandex

      Do-Si-Dos lible!

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Now we know what makes those samoas so delicious. Fetus!

    • Crank_Tango

      samoan fetuses…the best kind.

      • FraAnima

        I prefer the Thin Fetus Mints, I could eat boxes of those things! (Which I do, since my daughter deals them.)

      • I eat the Sam's Club knockoffs; Soylent Somoans (NOW with Real Samoans).

  • Schmannnity

    You'd think that a village as small as Wasilla would only have one village idiot.

    • miss_grundy

      Perhaps there is something in the water? Or perhaps the air??????? Or they are all suffering from cooties inflicted by Lou Sarah???????

    • BerkeleyBear

      I think the problem is, they were the designated Village of Idiots, so now no one can figure out who is the stupidest.

    • tessiee

      I'm not sure it has one person who *isn't* an idiot.

    • Biff

      Normally they take turns, this is what happens when someone won't relinquish the throne.

    • I know, right?
      When I saw the headline about an idiot from Wasilla, I assumed it was about Snowbilly Grifter.
      (What's in the water in that town?!)

  • chascates

    I’m sure you are aware of the information that’s floating around the Internet, about everyone in Wasilla, Alaska being as stupid as a box of rocks? Is that right? Frankly, I haven’t looked into it but I see it’s out there. I just wondered if you want to make a statement on that.

    • Boojum


    • LetUsBray

      Maybe they elected Dumbelina to be their mayor because, compared to them, she's smart?

  • Brain freeze.

  • How is this Wasilla idiot different from all other Wasilla idiots?

    • nounverb911

      Are you the youngest here? The youngest asks the four questions at the Seder.

      • As far as I know, yes. Everyone else is over 60, right?

        • nounverb911

          Just barely.

        • So. You must be the other person on the internet who's not a 57 year-old man.

          • Yes, I am a 14-year old girl posing as a 59-year old man.

          • comrad_darkness

            Ohhhh, clever!

    • George Spelvin

      Pesach libel.

    • Puffperney

      She's rich.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Those campfire bitches, they were the real sluts!

  • Lucidamente1

    They help old ladies cross the street . . . TO THE ABORTIONPLEX.

    • Crank_Tango

      I am getting my gramma an abortion for her birthday, then it's off to the death panel.

  • Lazy Media

    Girl Scouts wear berets, just like Che and Patty Hearst. QED, Girl Scouts are Communist revolutionary murderers. That's just science.

    • Crank_Tango

      Science is also bad.

    • extreme_left their shade of green is suspiciously close to a nazi uniform of yore, therefore by this thing you call science, they are the most heinous and feared of all, nazi-communists!

  • Barb

    People of Wasilla! Jesus is not glad he died for you.

    • nounverb911

      How about Breitbart?

      • Fare la Volpe

        Jesus was pretty glad that asshole died.

    • Biff

      Stick around, he'll be right back.

  • Crank_Tango

    When are we going to realize that all women and girls are sluts and are to be avoided?

    WAKE UP SHEEPLE, also.

    • Boojum

      When sheep learn to cook and clean.

    • Guppy

      Sluts are to be avoided? Does not compute!

    • An_Outhouse

      girl scouts = lesbians = three ways. So there's that.

  • There is also another Internet "rumor" floating around…

    Wasilla Republicans = Meth Labs = Unplanned Parenthood = Government Handouts.

  • OkieDokieDog

    All Rep. Wes Keller proved is that he is too stupid for the internetz. Still smart enough to represent Wasilly though.

  • Barb

    By the way, the Boy Scout recently turned 100 years-old. Funny, they look like 10 year-olds to me.

    • BerkeleyBear

      11, Barb, 11. And founded by a "confirmed bachelor" no less. Who liked to have boys over to his estate for manly play time. And wear silly uniforms whether he was officially in the military or not.

      That's right – Michael Jackson founded Scouting.

      • tessiee

        Also, the original handbook was entitled, "Scouting for Boys".

        • George Spelvin

          ooh, that's good.

  • Barb

    A thought just came to me. I swear, I am sorry if someone else posted this already.

    It's not like a Girl Scout is having an abortion in as much in that she is "deleting her cookies."

    Upon further review, that's dumb. No one probably said that one before, lol.

    • Boojum

      Scraping her Samoas?

    • Steverino247

      Well, since you had your "Cookie Jar" removed recently…

    • No, Barb, actually that was pretty good. I give you a 7. Maybe a 7.5.

      • Barb

        Good morning and thank you, Guru! I hope that was a 7.5 out of 10 and not 100.

      • Negropolis

        The Russian judge (whom Sarah Palin insists she can see from her front porch), however, only awarded Barb a 5.

  • Callyson

    “I’m sure you are aware of the information that’s floating around the Internet, and I’d like to give you the opportunity to respond to your connection, the Wes Keller connection, with Utter Stupidity and the sensationalist role in that — is there a connection? Is there not? Frankly, I haven’t looked into it but I see it’s out there. I just wondered if you want to make a statement on that”

    Yes, Senator, there is a connection among the elements you mention. One that is unlikely to be cured…


  • FraAnima

    Thanks for harshing my post-seder buzz, Rebecca.

    • If Girl Scouts participated in lesbian covens, but a Wasilla representative did not accuse them, that would be enough for us.


      • user-of-owls

        If Girl Scouts participated in lesbian covens, but a Wasilla representative did not accuse them

        For a second there I thought you were going with a "tree falls in the forest" motif there. I was really wondering how that was going to end!

        Maybe, "would they still be lesbian witches"?

        • not that Dewey

          I think you misunderstand what "lesbian covens" means. There aren't three balls in the forest.

          • user-of-owls

            So you're telling me that lesbian covens are what they bake queer cookies in?

  • I'm glad the paramilitary "Girl Scouts" and their dirty "cookies for weapons" scheme is finally exposed.

  • Callyson

    "…is there a connection? Is there not? Frankly, I haven’t looked into it but I see it’s out there. I just wondered if you want to make a statement on that”

    "You just wondered whether I would care to provide the evidence to support the assertion that you are making, because you have no proof at all of this ridiculous accusation? Yeah, I've got a statement–kiss my ass, you idiot."

  • Fare la Volpe

    Why do I torture myself by reading the comments on these podunk local news sites?


  • el_donaldo

    There's a lot of "information" on the Internet. How do you know what to believe? Well if you're inspired to act like a total dick to some young kid, you're probably ahold of some crap information.

    • Swampgas_Man

      This is why the only internet "information" I rely on concerns wimmen's bodybuilding.

  • C_R_Eature

    I did a small amount of Web-Based research and what I found is Disturbing. Everyone in Wasilla has Hookworm.

    Representative Keller, would you like to make a statement on that?

  • I read on the internet that Wes Keller fucks dead goats and I haven't seen anything that says he doesn't.

    • He has yet to prove it. Why won't he just prove that he doesn't fuck goats?

    • Callyson

      Show us the un – fucked goats!

      • I'm going to start randomly yelling that at people.

        • tessiee

          it really IS a great day in South Carolina!

      • Long form!

      • OldWhiteLies

        Erm … how exactly does one confirm the, umm, un-fucked-ness of said goats?

    • Fare la Volpe

      It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

    • I read that, too! (just now)

      • I saw people discussing it on the internet. There must be something to it.

  • owhatever

    Little known fact: The name Wes Keller, hooked together is "weskeller," is the Igloo word for "dumb as a fucking walrus." Some Iglootionites fall over in laughter and roll around the snow because "Wasilla" means "dumber than a weskeller."

  • Repuplicrat War On Women lost its luster? How 'bout a War On Girls?

  • Slim_Pickins

    If voters need a special ID to vote, state legislators should be required to pass a reading comprehension test administered by a third grade teacher. Its only fair.

  • Barrelhse

    That cocksucker probably doesn't even like Thin Mints.

  • I'm sorry sir we're all out of Thin Mints. Can I offer you a nice bag of Rat Dicks?

    • Veritas78

      Do they come lightly salted? I'm watching my blood pressure.

  • rocktonsam

    oh shit dude, a story from Wasilla and no mention of a Palin.

    this doesn't end well for somebody

  • extreme_left

    hey no fair I was expecting a picture of a hot, friendly lady.

  • It is a KNOW FACT that they initiate these girls into their cult by forcing them to swear a menstrual blood oath before the girl scout symbol. Then they indoctrinate them in baby murder to such a degree that you would not be wrong to call a girl scout a abortion hobbyist.

    • "abortion hobbyist"? I wondered what that kit was for at the Hobby Lobby.

    • tessiee

      Whattya think the merit badge with the coathanger on it is for?

  • I think what he was really saying was: "I've got plenty of child pornography on my computer hard drive and it's lucky the guy who wrote down all my passwords for me on Post-it Notes hasn't encountered it yet!"

  • ttommyunger

    Just think, before the internetz only a very few people would have know this person was a total fucking moran.

    • Isyaignert

      Luv them thair internets.

      • ttommyunger

        Wunderful sereis of toobs!

        • Biff

          Fitting that it was an Alaskan that gave us that meme. Also.

          • ttommyunger

            Surprise, surprise. I'm sure he and Breitfart are comparing notes as we speak.

          • attilatheblond

            There's notes in Hell? What medium do they use, seems as how all that fire probably rules out paper?

    • attilatheblond

      Is there any evidence, on the interweb tubes, that he is fucking anyone? Well, other than, metaphorically, the people of Alaska/

  • LettucePrey


    Later, Rep. Paul Seaton, the Homer Republican on the State Affairs Committee who's wife is the southern Kenai Girl Scout official, described Keller's remarks as "unusual."

    Do they not have editors in Alaska? Did this third-grade fucking typo really appear in their paper?

    Sorry to be a Friday night pedant, but for caribou's sake, is our children learning?

    • littlebigdaddy

      Our children is only learning from the porn they are able to download.

    • Isyaignert

      Yea LettucePrey!! I am cursed with seeing typos (except my own) and feel the need to run around with White-Out and a black Sharpie to correct the errors that are every'effin'where, especially where the poor, abused apostrophe is concerned.

  • Negropolis

    He had seen something on the Internet …

    Isn't that where you just kind of stop reading? If you ever hear a sentence start like this in our new millennium, you know where it's going to go, already. The "I saw something on the internet…" is the "God told me…" of the 21st century.

    File this one under: 'Cause it'd be irresponsible not to speculate.

    • Redhead

      Either that or it's going to be a description of some porn act involving donkeys/scat/etc which you cannot hear while at work or in polite company.

    • notgross

      I think "in the Bible, it says…" has to be in there somewhere.

      • Negropolis

        Oh, yes. That's what I meant. lol

  • fitley

    They can't help it they are all closer related to the Palins than anybody wants to admit. HEE HAW. That's the call of the Alaskan Jackass.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Girl scouts are obviously all lesbians who want abortions. Only socialists would be in favor. Plus, one of their cookies is called Tagalog, which is a primitive socialist language.

  • tessiee

    It's that damn Kum-ba-yah song, I'm tellin' ya.

    • Steverino247

      Someone's stupid, Lord. Kumbayah…

  • tessiee

    “I’m sure you are aware of the information that’s floating around the Internet, and I’d like to give you the opportunity to respond to your connection, the Girl Scout connection, with Planned Parenthood and the activist role in that — is there a connection? Is there not? Frankly, I haven’t looked into it but I see it’s out there. I just wondered if you want to make a statement on that,” Keller said.

    Shorter: Who wants to do my homework for me?

  • HippieEsq

    "Water safety" is just a liberal euphemism for those abortion-themed cruise lines that are so popular these days. Or at least that's what I read on the Internet, just now, when I wrote that last sentence.

    Can you comment?

    • Biff

      I was sure it had something to do with golden showers.

      • HippieEsq

        Well, since you're "sure" and it's "on the Internet" then I'm beyond satisfied.

  • George Spelvin

    I don't believe anyone else has mentioned this yet, so I will.

    Oh, for fuck's sake.

  • Redhead

    The intern's name is Wassillie? Really?

    Oh and Keller – I saw on the internetz that you're associated with rentboy cock-sucking and *possibly* helping Glenn Beck rape and murder a young girl in 1999 and then helping him hide the body, plus a few donkey shows down in Tijuana. Are you associated with those things? Are you not? Frankly, I don't know, but it's out there on them internets. Would you like to address this?

    • tcaalaw

      Really, it would be irresponsible not to speculate about such things.

  • notgross

    When I father a little girl, I'm gonna make sure she gets monthly abortions once she gets into Scouting. Can't start 'em too young.

  • cheetojeebus

    The forms in general use for filing to run in an election-any fucking election, should be made a whole lot harder to fill out.

  • I think that little girl on the left is Molly Ringworm.

    • DahBoner

      80's Rich worm/ Poor parasite?

  • Biff

    Girl Scouts are a series of Fallopian tubes!

    • DahBoner

      I come fom de fallopian tubez. En peez…

  • James Michael Curley

    Alaska can proudly claim it has less abortions then anywhere else because half the year your dick freezes solid as soon as you pull it out.

  • DahBoner

    southern Kenai Kenyan Girl Scouts

    How many lil' boxes do they have to sell to get a "slutbortion" merit badge?

    • tcaalaw

      Just one box, one time is enough.

      • DahBoner

        Nature's Oldest Casino

  • rickmaci

    The Republican War on Women has been extended to LITTLE GIRLS????? WTF is up with these numb skulls? To me, and I may be wrong here, but it looks very much like the lemmings are going over the cliff together.

    • HistoriCat

      This is what happens when idiots are voted into office. Plus, the wonders of modern communications mean that every piece of insane bullshit not only has a platform to be heard but the aforementioned idiots think the internet gives it a veneer of legitimacy.

  • Warpde

    See what you get when your born with a vagina.
    You have to deal with dicks every day.

  • Once the brave and noble conservatives have defeated those feminazi Girl Scouts maybe they'll go after those commie Marxist bastards teaching tai chi classes

  • spareme

    I was a Girl Scout when I was a kiddo, many years of scouting. Now you tell me that I was supposed to be screwing! What a rip! Who do I sue?

  • Wile E. Quixote

    I'm thinking of starting a website named "". All I need is a static page that says "Wes Keller, R, Wasilla, fucks dogs.". Because once people see it on the internet it must be true.

  • attilatheblond

    I may have read, on the interweb tubes, that Wes Keller is actually an immortal vampire. To hide his identity, he has moved from place to place through history, always clinging to positions of a little official authority but never positions where history would take note of his existence. I saw on the interwebs that he was once an inquisitor for the Church of Rome, and once he was a pirate captain's second in command, where his duties mainly involved snooping around and encouraging grudges between crew members so they would tell tales on one another, resulting in him being able to use his trusy cat o nine tails regularly.

    I read it somewhere on the internets, I don't know if it's true, but I think Wes Keller had better go public and explaining to do so this serious matter is cleared up, one way or the other.

  • tcaalaw

    I hope everyone realizes that right now a freshly-unemployed John Derbyshire is fapping to two of the three girls in the photo at the top of this post.

    (Please bookmark this comment in the event you need to induce vomiting in the future.)

  • anniegetyerfun

    is there a connection? Is there not? Frankly, I haven’t looked into it but I see it’s out there. I just wondered if you want to make a statement on that

    God, this is JUST the kind of bullshit that I deal with at work. "I just heard that company ABC might do X. Is it true? I haven't researched it at all, but I thought I would throw it out there and just fuck with your ideas for a bit, because, hey, tangential info that I gained via internet hearsay is as good a reason as any to try to destroy the presentation you spent hours putting together."

  • lulzmonger

    Wasilla: the gift that keeps on giving.

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