Arizona Lawmaker Fears Highway Bill Will Lead To One North American Country, Currency Called The ‘Amero’

  raise the terror alert status to elevated

FLAG TIE

On Thursday, in the revolutionary desert of this nation, an Arizona lawmaker by the name of David Stevens, a Republican representing Sierra Vista, refused to support a highway bill that would fund the creation of a new highway from Phoenix to Las Vegas (nay, may all roads lead there!) — not because of the gambling and the free watered-down drinks and the boobies, but because of CANADA! The beautiful country with the population the size of California gets blamed for everything. Stevens, who clearly knows what he wants and proclaims it on his neckties, says that this bill is just a gateway to Canada. It’s true, there is basically a “Canamex highway” that leads from Nogales, on the Mexican border, to wherever on the Canadian border, and this proposed I-11 is the missing link. But according to Stevens, it is also the last piece of a puzzle called, let’s say, the New North American Order, in which the United States and Canada join as one, under one god and currency! “You may have heard the term ‘Amero’…” Stevens recently told his colleagues. WE HAVE NOT. WHAT IT IS?

Stevens’ argument, which we get in appropriately tipsy-sounding fits and starts courtesy of the Arizona Star:

There’s been an attempt over the years to build what’s called the Canamex Highway…

There are people at this point who want to try to make North America one country…

“You may have heard the term ‘Amero’”…

Apparently the “Amero” is a conspiratorially fake currency that would be like the Euro, except for the U.S. and Canada (Canadians would never go for it!! The exchange rate right now is too hilariously great!) Stevens is convinced that Arizona’s I-11 is the only thing standing in the way of some kind of joint conciliatory government run by Mitt Romney and Stephen Harper OH CHRIST NO WE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.

Stevens:

I am a member of the United States of America. I do not want to be a member of a North American country.

Daviiiiiid.

If you go back in history and see the other highways they’ve tried (to connect the countries), you see what happens.

Hmm yes. Spaniards are able to travel to France for vacation. And the French to Switzerland. And the Hungarians to Slovakia. Truly awful.

Stevens wisely pointed to Texas as an example of a state that has proudly fought back against similar legislation. Stevens’ relatively less paranoid (but still batshit) colleagues did not agree with Stevens about this in the least, Texas reference notwithstanding, and on Thursday Governor Jan Brewer, by all accounts a reasonable person, signed the bill into law, so that people who get lost on the way to/from Las Vegas may end up in Phoenix and bring some accidental “commerce” to Arizona. Canada, you’re safe for now! [Arizona Daily Star]

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Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville

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204 comments

  1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Build the danged Canadian fence already! They talk funny and their bacon isn't really bacon!

    1. GhostBuggy

      As a resident of the Great Border State of Michigan, I can testify to the relative comfort the network of anti-Canadian moats known as the Great Lakes provides. Of course, there are still connections, and there has been a recent infestation of Tim Horton's joints popping up 'round these parts.

      Hey Horton, hear this: Take your delicious, reasonably priced coffee and GIT!

      1. Chichikovovich

        The trouble is that thanks to generous campaign contributions, there will only be a fence if Matty Maroun gets to own it.

        1. GhostBuggy

          You've got to hand it to that guy. To have the balls to suggest, in court, that the government should not be allowed to construct a border crossing with another country on the basis that he'd really rather just have everyone use the one he owns…

      2. Negropolis

        Build the danged bridge!

        Honestly, I need a T-shirt with that on it. Looks like this may be the year that Snyder just goes around the legislature. It'd be the only thing he's done right as governor.

        you want to know what's crazy? The Red Republican Ohio legislature passed a resolution the other day calling on the Michigan legislature to approve the bridge. Ohio, for heaven's sake; a state that doesn't want to have anything to do with us, ever. This just doesn't happen. lol

        Build the danged bridge!

  2. Barb

    If we are all one nation called "North America" it will stop the Canadian people from calling we in the U.S.A. "upper Mexicans" from now on. Build the highway!

    1. JustPixelz

      Easy for you new messicans in the land of enchantment to be all "we are family". Here in Hartford, half the population originated in Puerto Rico. Which means they know what's happening on Univision. I, um, forgot what my point is.

  3. nounverb911

    "I am a member of the United States of America. I do not want to be a member of a North American country."
    Don't they teach geography in AZ?

    1. JohnnyQuick

      WTF "members" also??? After they outlaw aboarshun are we gonna have to pay the Kochs a membership fee every time we get born?

    2. qwerty42

      Don't they teach geography in AZ?
      They teach *REAL* geography in AZ, not that moozlim soshulistical kind.

    3. kateinmt

      Well, they used to, but lately, in fear of having "ethic studies" included in the curriculum, they're afraid people will figure out America was named for Amerigo Vespucci, a clearly non-white, blonde, blue-eye pure American. And neither are the Natives.

  4. Tengu

    Yes finally, a patriot willing to speak out against the idea of highways connecting areas!

  5. SexySmurf

    But according to Stevens, it is also the last piece of a puzzle called, let’s say, the New North American Order, in which the United States and Canada join as one

    But Canada finally got rid of Bieber; why would they want him back?

  6. Callyson

    "I am a member of the United States of America," Stevens said. "I do not want to be a member of a North American country."

    So, we Americans should all pick up the land we are sitting on and GTFO out of this continent now! Get to work on creating that new island somewhere in the ocean and we'll live there!

    JFC…

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      I'm sure that the Navajo would be OK with that, as would the Cherokee, Sammamish, Puyallup, Lummi, Muckleshoot, Nisqually, Chehalis, Klallam and a few other groups.

      1. zumpie

        Yes, since we Pacific Northwesterners aren't REAL 'Muricans, we have more in common with those commies in British Columbia.

        Don't tell the dude, but we're already kinda our own rainy, librul country…ssshhhh.

  7. flamingpdog

    Wait a minute! You mean that monthly fee of 20 Ameros I've been paying to comment at teh Wonkette is BOGUS????

  8. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    So right now you have to walk between phoenix and Vegas? Take a covered wagon? Stagecoach? What?

  9. Callyson

    There's more:

    Pressed for how a new stretch of highway was part of a one-hemisphere government, Stevens said the evidence is all around, starting with the House, on a voice vote, adopting a resolution urging the U.S. Department of Transportation to designate U.S. 93 between Phoenix and Las Vegas, much of which is now two lanes, "as a future Interstate System route and as part of the proposed Interstate 11."

    Yeah, that's the smoking gun right there…

  10. BklynIlluminati

    Are you kidding me I would love to add Canadian provinces as states, FREE POUTINE for everyone!

      1. flamingpdog

        And when we finally bomb the Russkies back into the Stone Age, we can enjoy poutine with poitin and (really crispy) Putin.

      1. flamingpdog

        ALL of them, Katie? No.

        Now if we could just leave the CSA states, and honorary CSA state Arizona, behind …

  11. WiscDad

    I saw an amero once…but it was a car. This old 1972 piece of shit rusted out heap with a 'W04' bumper sticker. Funny thing was it resembled a Camero.

  12. SheriffRoscoe

    England is lucky not to have to worry about roads connecting them to other countries, which explains how England remains independent. (Not counting the road they put under the ocean.)

    1. carlgt1

      wait a minute – you've got Scotland & Wales that hate England – and they're all interconnected with roads. Hence the theft of the Stone of Scone…..

    2. Gleem McShineys

      This road is what Paul Revere was shooting his warning shots at, if you know your history at all.

    3. George Spelvin

      Apropos of nothing, "Chunnel" is one of my favorite made-up words.

      chunnel, chunnel, chunnel.

    4. DemmeFatale

      I recall, (I lived there at the time), that England was obsessed with contracting rabies from France, and France was worried about acquiring "cultural rabies" from England.

      1. sullivanst

        I'm pretty sure they installed specially designed electrical grates at each end to keep out rats and other animals that might conceivably be disease carriers.

        From what I recall, the end result was a proof that rats are smarter than humans.

  13. sullivanst

    Wow. Spooky. This guy looks like someone I went to college with – the closest thing I have to a claim to fame, since he has his own legit Wikipedia page.

  14. JohnnyQuick

    Damn, we were really on the edge of properly isolating the Arizona Disease. (No offense to the good people that live there; I'll Kickstart for some buses).

    Tired of waiting for the water to run out.

    1. flamingpdog

      Mebbe all teh Wonketeers can donate some of their hard-earned* Ameros to buy one for Barb?

      *welfare/unemployment

  15. friendlyskies

    Who would have thought that Alex Jones would be the most influential political philosopher of the post-imperial US collapse? My money was on Jesus, but it won't be worth the paper its printed on once the amero is adopted, so never mind.

    1. JohnnyQuick

      Yep. Shouldn't Alex Jones be taken down, on the basis that what he does everyday is not protected free speech? I mean, if there's anyone else who "yells ' fire' in a crowded theater" to a bunch of heavily armed wingnuts more often…

      Well, scratch that. Why Isn't Alex Jones on Fox?

          1. Extemporanus

            Okayway. My "It's either my way or my way!" Appian quote lost something in translation any…er, anyhow.

            Have you ever heard of "Carny Talk"? The way I was taught, it works like something this:

            > Add "-eez" after every consonant sound within a word, except those at the end of a word, those preceding a suffix such as "-ing" or "-ed", and those preceding the letter "y"
            > Add "-eez" before every word starting with a vowel/vowel sound
            > Speak it as smoothly and rapidly as possible

            For example, the sentence "I really hate this fucking highway!" would translate phonetically to "Eez-I reez-illy heez-ate theez-iss feez-ucking heez-i-weez-ay!"

            I learned it years ago from the grizzled old sound guy at a bar where I worked, and I can't tell you how many times it proved indispensable when we found it necessary to slag some dickhead band member or dumb-ass groupie right in front of their face.

          2. flamingpdog

            A friend of mine in high school taught he a similar code where you place "ib" (long i) in the middle of every syllable. He was really good at it and could speak rapidly and fluently in it. I mainly found it useful for yelling "Mibothiber Fibuckiber" at assholes giving me a hard time.

  16. GhostBuggy

    Don't forget zee roads zat led from Berlin to Paris! Ve came for zee conquering, but stayed for dancing meine fraulein in unterpanties! Heil international highways!

  17. Antispandex

    He does know that there are other roads you can take to go north and south, right? I mean, a Canadian who is determined to get some quality mole' is going to find a way!

  18. ManchuCandidate

    My father visited a friend of his who lived in 'zona. It was his first (and probably last) visit to the Crazy Desert Anus of US American.

    I asked him how he liked it in 'zona and my tea totalling, vehemently anti-drug and anti-gun father said: "There's nothing green out there. It's just desert, mountain and scorpions. If I had to live out there I'd get drunk, take lots of drugs and buy lots of guns to shoot things."

  19. C_R_Eature

    Dear Arizona:

    Thanks very much, once again, for making us look considerably less Crazy.

    Sincerely:

    Florida, Tennessee, Texas, Alabama, South Carolina, New Jersey (cont'd on back)

  20. HelmutNewton

    “You may have heard the term ‘Amero’”

    Isn't that the Italian guy who discovered America? Or maybe it's the term Amoco uses when they rape you when you buy gas (i.e. My ass hurts. I've just been Ameroed).

  21. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    If you go back in history and see the other highways they’ve tried (to connect the countries), you see what happens.

    Royal Road
    Silk Road
    Appian Way
    German Wine Route
    Old Salt Route

    Yes, fuck the European model of doing things. WE ARE MURICANS

  22. Toomush_Infer

    Yeah, we're just like the middle of an Oreo sandwich, except it's a vanilla one on one side, and spicy on the other….so…Apocolypse!!!!!…..

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      I was going to try to work in something about being the taint between Mexico and Canada, but your Oreo analogy works better and doesn't require you to think about taint and Arizona Republicans at the same time.

  23. randcoolcatdaddy

    Elect a Muslin Kenyan as President and the next thing you know, William Shatner and Peter Jennings will be shoving maple syrup, Canadian bacon and communist free health care down our throats. And taking away our guns!

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      And they'll ban Monday Niight Football and make watching "Hockey Night in Canada" mandatory!

    2. harobedyelsnit

      "Elect a Muslin Kenyan as President and the next thing you know, William Shatner and Peter Jennings will be shoving maple syrup, Canadian bacon and communist free health care down our throats."

      Is that meant as a punishment or a reward?

  24. Pragmatist2

    The gentleman misses the point. If we build a Mexico to canada highway all those illegal immigrants will zoom through the US right up to the place of Socialized Medicine, where they will die waiting in line for a band-aid.

  25. Oblios_Cap

    Governor Jan Brewer, by all accounts a reasonable person

    Our accounts say entirely opposite things.

  26. woodsboyAK

    Lets hope this nutbag never busts out a map and realizes that you can already drive from Mexico to Canada on ROADS!!!!! How about I-15 or I-25, just a couple on ramps and off ramps and you can already do this. One of my co-workers who swares by ALex Jones believes that the Amero already exists and is currently being printed and will be introduced in Oct of this year so that Obama may seize control of the North American Union and avoid the November elections!

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      A friend of mine used to live in San Diego, and his father lived in Vancouver, BC. When his dad came to visit, the instructions were: Get on I-5. Drive for 3 days. Get off at the exit for Balboa Park.

  27. Mahousu

    As you may know, the ameros in existence are the product of DC Coin's "Moonlight Mint," which issues "fantasy coins." If one guy working in his spare time can apparently bring about a North American Union, what could the Franklin Mint do? I shudder to think of the "precious moments" in store for us.

  28. noodlesalad

    First they came for our roads, and I was like, really? Roads? That's kind of fucked up. And then they came for the schools, and I was like, hold on a damn minute! We need those. And then they came for my electricity and fluoridated water, and I was definitely not cool with that. But I wasn't a crazy Republican senator so the media didn't cover my common sense defense of basic necessities.

  29. Isyaignert

    What a patriot – just look at that tie!! He must be a real gud 'merikan. Srsly, are Arizona and South Carolina in a race to be the biggest douchebag state?

  30. Deportably_Jose

    If you go back in history and see the other highways they’ve tried (to connect the countries), you see what happens.

    You know who else had mad schemes involving highways?

  31. Terry

    "Stevens wisely pointed to Texas as an example of a state that has proudly fought back against similar legislation."

    Yes, and they were wildly successful as something called I-35 does not exist and certainly does not run from Laredo on the US-Mexican border through the Dallas-Fort Worth area up into Oklahoma. It would be unthinkable if such a road were to run all the way up to Duluth.

    1. JohnyEdge

      Ha! It doesn't go all the way to Canada because then it would have to go to International Falls, where the fishing is really pretty good.

      Fortunately, you can no longer travel from Boundry Waters Wilderness Canoe Area (United States) to Quetico Provincial Park (Canada) by canoe unless you have a passport! That cuts off that potential invasion route.

      I still worry about a Thunder Bay to Isle Royale invasion, though. We need a fence across Lake Superior to cut off that route!

      1. Designer_Rants

        " you can no longer travel from Boundry Waters Wilderness Canoe Area (United States) to Quetico Provincial Park (Canada) by canoe "

        What are you, some kind a Draft Dodger?

    2. HistoriCat

      Lots of proposed highway building in Texas … most of it idiotic. There was a proposal to put together a new highway and have it labeled I-69 (even conservatives snickered at that one). Another proposed highway was such a blatant land grab/back-scratching deal for Perry's cronies that the uproar shut it down.

  32. slithytoves

    If the Mexicans can make it to NYC then they can take the NY interstate to Canada. Bienvenue mes amis!

  33. SayItWithWookies

    Arizona should have a rule that anyone who votes on road legislation should at least be able to find his way out of a traffic circle. And if that just happens to disqualify the whole state, at least no harm will be done.

  34. Extemporanus

    Speaking of Ameros: I saw a gleaming pair of gold-plated, dew-dusted, XXXtra-large TruckNutz just cold danglin' from the ass-end of a big black Escalade parked right in front of the Getty mansion in Pac Heights early this morning.

    As I did not have a picture taking device on my person at the time of said sighting, I shall now follow the rules of acceptable commenter decorum and get the fuck out.

  35. mavenmaven

    You all laugh now, but when the 7 horned beast comes running down the I-11 accompanied by four horsemen clutching ameros, who will have the last laugh, unraptured libunatics?

  36. Guppy

    Does the man realize that, at any given moment, half the golf-playing olds pissing away their retirement money in Arizona hold Canadian passports?

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      He may have worked out that they are unable to vote his ignorant ass out of office.

  37. Doktor StrangeZoom

    He's on to something: The dystopian future depicted in The Road can never happen if we refuse to build any roads!!!!

  38. owhatever

    And the hot months in Arizona, when the brains actually bake within the skull, hasn't even started.

    1. Warwhatgoodfor

      Funny thing about that. Adolph built the autobahns to facilitate movement of Wehrmacht troops. Turns out they didn't need it much, but the invading troops found them very usefull. Karma can be a bitch. Also

    1. Chichikovovich

      But we'd better phase it in. Start with the trucks, and wait a month for the cars and motorbikes.

  39. Chichikovovich

    Speaking as a dual citizen, and hence an in-on-the-ground-floor citizen of the new United States of North America Champlainia/États-Unis de Champlain I'd like to council tolerance and understanding. If the people of Arizona want there to be no roads leading in or out of the state, nor, I suppose, pipes containing tainted outside-Arizona water, I say let them have their vision. Didn't Saint Augustine say you must build a wall around the City of God? [Hint: He did.] So it's a matter of religious faith too, on this God's Friday. Bless you, David Stevens, visionary for your people, and best wishes for your separate existence.

    ….

    No, really, David Stevens – Why are you still here?

    1. flamingpdog

      Now if we could just make David Stevens a duel citizen, we'd at least have a 50/50 chance of making him go away.

  40. Steverino247

    Anyone who would admit to representing Sorry Vista, er, Sierra Vista, is not worth talking to. When I was at Ft. Huachuca, I was able to see first hand why Sorry Vista was the name usually used for the place. Think shitty town outside an Army base, only in the fucking desert, too. I used to joke that the Army moved the Intelligence Center and School to Ft. Huachuca as a cruel joke on the local inhabitants.

      1. Steverino247

        It's like going to the Monkey House at the zoo: Watching bored animals throw poo at each other and the occasional passer by.

  41. OneYieldRegular

    You think this is bad, just wait until David Stevens finds out about the existence of international commercial air travel.

  42. OurDailyBread

    The Republican Apocalypse is like the zombie apocalypse, but with more religion.

  43. Wile E. Quixote

    Canadians should be concerned about this too. If this highway is completed there's nothing, nothing at all that would stop raving hordes of Arizona wing nuts from heading north into their country.

  44. Wile E. Quixote

    I am a member of the United States of America. I do not want to be a member of a North American country.

    Too late dude, you're the meat in a North American manwich between a hot slice of French bread from Quebec named Pierre and a hot, dark and tasty slice of bread from Nogales named Ricardo.

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        Yeah, but you have to move to Arizona first, oh and there's a lot of weird shit they want you to do with putting things in your vagina.

  45. Jus_Wonderin

    Just fuck them. Highway bills have never been held up. Everybody used to like highways. Now, its socialism…right?

  46. qwerty42

    Wonkette's own Jim Newell probably helped this along with this back in 2007. There are posts on the "NAFTA Superhighway" as well. I think it is a toll road and you pay in gold Ameros.

  47. whatupirondog

    I sympathize with this guy. I've been trying to shut down I-80 between Des Moines and Iowa City ever since Jesus told me in a dream that it would be used to traffic brightly-colored scarves to the homofacist shock troops once the New World Order is declared. These efforts mainly consist of me sitting by the side of the highway angrily shaking my fists at motorists.

    1. Warwhatgoodfor

      You in Iowa city or des Moines. Because I spent many happy years in the former, but the latter, nah.

  48. docterry6973

    Lemme get this right. US-93 is patriotic and good, but I-11, over the same stretch of sand, would be THE END OF OUR GREAT NATION!!!?!

    I swear to God, even in AZ who is dumb enough to vote for these jugheads?

  49. MadBrahms

    It was difficult to really pay attention after "“You may have heard the term ‘Amero’"", because I was laughing too hard. I can only hope the rest of the chamber had a similar reaction.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Nope, if he was speaking to the Arizona state legislature, they weren't laughing. They were watching out the window for U.N. black helicopters.

  50. Slim_Pickins

    I guess only a real American can desecrate a American flag like that… (Whoops, sorry a USofA flag).

  51. cheetojeebus

    This guy's precious bodily fluids aren't so precious.

    From a gene pool standpoint.

      1. cheetojeebus

        Oh, I think they've been saying no thanks to his essence for some time, eh*?

        * just a little nod to our future overlords.

  52. GeorgiaBurning

    Stevens won't say the real reason, they balance the state budget with the fines from the speed trap going into Kingman.

  53. Chi_town_Vinny

    I was stationed at Fort Huachuca during the early 70's – I didn't think Sierra Vista was all that bad at the time, considering the alternative at the time. Too bad it went the way of the looney tunes – but why should it be any different from the rest of Arizona.

      1. Chi_town_Vinny

        Yeah, I rode my bike to LA via Vegas and looped back down through San Diego to get back to Sierra Vista – going through Yuma on the way. Not much there at the time. Luckily it was early spring – and not too hot by then.

  54. Pithaughn

    Take pity, don't anyone tell him about the Very Large Array (gasp, accessible by paved roads!!) right next door in New Mexico. Can a descriptor like new be trusted? NO!! . There is actual filmed proof that "scientists" aka atheists have made contact with aliens from outer space using the antennas at the VLA. And she was a known feminist!
    If this pitiful R hears about the VLA he will be demanding all paved roads between AZ and NM be torn up and the FENCE extended all the way around NM also too!!

  55. GregComlish

    If it takes ascending to a North American Superstate in order to reduce the traveling time between Vegas and the Grand Canyon for our senior citizen RV caravans, then I guess you'd better go long on Ameros because in Arizona old white people always get what they want.

  56. Negropolis

    Fuck it. Route the thing through New Mexico, the only state down that way with any goddamned sense. Jeeze.

    What a bunch of ungrateful bastards, these Red State borderfolk.

  57. Negropolis

    They can have their freeway, so long as they take back Bieber and Dion. Otherwise, no dice.

    BTW, you Canadians stop snowbirding it up in Scottsdale, ya' hear me? You send too many months down their and get too tan and they'll even start asking your pasty asses for your papers.

  58. DahBoner

    If you go back in history and see the other highways..

    Coincidentally, this is one of the Ten Commandments of Tractor Safety.

  59. johnmburt

    "If you go back in history and see the other highways they’ve tried (to connect the countries), you see what happens."

    Well, he's got me scared, all right.

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