WEEEEE  9:01 am April 6, 2012

‘Rick Santorum to Drop Out in Shame Any Day Now’ Rumors Begin in Earnest

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

The santorum-flinging parties were such fun, though.

Exciting anonymously-sourced rumors have it that lunatic prince Rick Santorum’s staffers are beginning to wander out from the confines of his inmate-ruled insane asylum! Consider this your safety advisory: “One top Republican strategist said he’d seen a surge of postings on Republican job boards from Santorum staffers, and two mid-level staffers told The Hill that top aides had gone radio silent.” Oh dear. But the poor, unhappy nuts do not like running around on the loose! Just listen to this one sad staffer who, uh, complained to a reporter that he feels very confused about what to do with his penis right now without Rick Santorum to give him an instruction:

One mid-level field staffer told The Hill that he’d been unable to reach his bosses since he’d flown to Pennsylvania following the Wisconsin primary and had received no direction about where to open field offices or plans to build a ground game.

The campaign “has always been a little less organized than some other presidential campaigns but this is by far the worst I’ve ever seen it and it tells me there’s no plan for anything,” he said. “I’m sitting out here in Pennsylvania with my d— in the wind with no idea of what’s going on… It’s the most disorganized thing I’ve ever seen and it leads me to the conclusion that he can’t continue and has no plans to.”

This has been your Good Friday post about Rick Santorum and weiners. [The Hill]

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 140 comments }

commiegirl April 6, 2012 at 9:05 am

Dick in the wind! But dicks only go in heteromarital vag! STAFFER!!!1!

Chet Kincaid April 6, 2012 at 9:21 am

GOOD MORNING MS. SCHOENKOPF!!
"Chet Kincaid!"
"Present!"

Jus_Wonderin April 6, 2012 at 9:25 am

Jus Wonderin here. Tardy. I slept in with my Weiner. I won't let it happen again.

LagunaB April 6, 2012 at 9:41 am

Would you wanting a nice cuppa tea, fresh scone?

tessiee April 6, 2012 at 9:55 am

Back when I was in grade school, everyone said "Here!". If you said, "Present!", you were either a Martin Prince-type ass-kisser, or trying to be funny.

But then, I don't know what Chet's school as like; I just assumed that all schools were like that.

C_R_Eature April 6, 2012 at 10:17 am

I used to say "Present", but I also used to say "*cough* blowjob *cough*" and sneeze "Ahhhshit!", so I guess I was just a smartass.

Chet Kincaid April 6, 2012 at 10:20 am

Robert Fulton Elementary School in Cleveland was a "present" kind of place in the mid-'60s. "Butt Cricket" with splintery paddles was still a popular disciplinary method among teachers at the time, also.

weejee April 6, 2012 at 9:24 am

♪♫ The answer my friend is a dick in the wind
The answer's a small dick in the wind ♫♪

Chet Kincaid April 6, 2012 at 9:33 am

Very clever! Make it a reply to an earlier comment, to obscure the fact that Doktor StrangeZoom pwnd us both!!

OC_Surf_Serf April 6, 2012 at 9:42 am

It's like when some

OC_Surf_Serf April 6, 2012 at 9:43 am

bastard catches you with yer wonkette's down

C_R_Eature April 6, 2012 at 9:30 am

♪♫ You don't need a Weather man to know which way your Dick blows. ♫♪

deanbooth April 6, 2012 at 9:36 am

It's ok as long as his dick doesn't have an "overcoat" on.

tessiee April 6, 2012 at 9:56 am

Or a hoodie?

bagofmice April 6, 2012 at 9:41 am

Who knew ween had anything to do with Santorum? I presume this is the work of thestranger.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 6, 2012 at 9:53 am

Toby Keith wrote that song, so the delegates will still be mad at Romney.

Barb April 6, 2012 at 10:35 am

I have a note from my doctor, may I be excused?

a_pink_poodle April 6, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Would dyck be a suitable substitution? Then it almost looks like duck and I like ducks. Often times I'd buy a whole loaf of bread to feed to the ducks by the river! But of course the damn seagulls would muscle in on Mr and Mrs Duck's dinner time and I'd rather they have that bread than some smelly seagulls because they have to migrate north and south and I'd rather they have the energy to make such a flight. Seagulls can pick the barnacles off the side of boats for all I care. I'm also told that bread is bad for ducks.

… what was I talking about again? Where am I?

KennyFuckingPowers April 6, 2012 at 9:06 am

His ass changed the face of politics in the Amurica.

slithytoves April 6, 2012 at 9:09 am

I just want to see an updated picture of his daughter in tears over this. If that makes me mean, so be it.

tessiee April 6, 2012 at 9:57 am

Yeah, but she'd be crying tears of relief, so that would kinda spoil the snark.

HistoriCat April 6, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Tears of relief? I doubt it. I bet the family is happy when Rick has to be away from home – really brightens up the place.

anniegetyerfun April 6, 2012 at 10:33 am

I'm with you on this one. If she won't hold the doll, I'd be thrilled if she would hold, like, a Blackberry in her arms while her face crumbles in despair.

Chet Kincaid April 6, 2012 at 11:33 am

Which will go out of business faster, Blackberry-maker RIM, or the Frothy campaign?

Callyson April 6, 2012 at 11:55 am

Those would be tears of joy, actually.

tweeksmom April 9, 2012 at 6:51 am

You mean his "daughter-wife"…..

Mahousu April 6, 2012 at 9:09 am

Rick Santorum does not feel shame. Rick Santorum is shame.

weejee April 6, 2012 at 9:25 am

Shamelessly so!

DerrickWildcat April 6, 2012 at 9:13 am

When God chooses you to run, you do not stop!

C_R_Eature April 6, 2012 at 9:44 am

"No running with your Dick in your hand! You'll put someone's eye out!"

Callyson April 6, 2012 at 11:57 am

When God chooses you to show an example of how religious extremism will turn a person into a raging lunatic, one who deserved to get pwned, you do not stop!

glamourdammerung April 6, 2012 at 9:13 am

Come on, Rick! Do not let sanity get in your way on this one occasion. You can win this!

skoalrebel April 6, 2012 at 9:17 am

Rick's seen the frothy light oozing from the end of the tunnel. [spit!] Gonna miss him, though. He showed that anyone can run for president. I find that inspiring. [spit]

HistoriCat April 6, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Skoalrebel 2016?

Doktor StrangeZoom April 6, 2012 at 9:17 am

Don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the Google meme
It slips away, and all your money won't another voter ream
Dicks in the wind,
All we are is dicks in the wind

(For an encore, we'll do "Carry On, My Gaywad Son")

Chet Kincaid April 6, 2012 at 9:23 am

I hate you!!

Doktor StrangeZoom April 6, 2012 at 9:25 am

How long, to the point of no (electoral) returns?

Chet Kincaid April 6, 2012 at 9:31 am

I still remember the classic issue of Rolling Stone when they put up a row of little floating heads of the members of Kansas, Styx and REO Speedwagon (and maybe a few others) and challenged readers to tell who any of them were.

tessiee April 6, 2012 at 9:59 am

Journey shoulda been there too, except for that anteater-looking singer guy.

Biff April 6, 2012 at 9:23 am

The doctor is in!

CivicHoliday April 6, 2012 at 9:51 am

Damnnit how many of us are going to be humming this fucking thing all day now?

Doktor StrangeZoom April 6, 2012 at 10:14 am

All of us, Katie.

(Actually, I've got "Wayward Son" stuck in my head. It's no better.

BerkeleyBear April 6, 2012 at 10:52 am

ME TOO, YOU BASTARD (YELLING OVER EAR WORM).

Swampgas_Man April 6, 2012 at 10:50 am

Seems to me you lived your life
Like a dick in the wind.
Never knowin' who to cling to
When the Santorum came in.

arihaya April 6, 2012 at 9:17 am

one thing that Santorum never knew is when to pull out before its too late.

UnionAgitator April 6, 2012 at 9:19 am

His uniform was crisp and stiff.

It looked good!

And windy.

FakaktaSouth April 6, 2012 at 9:19 am

"I'm sitting out here in Pennsylvania with my dick in the wind"

Who knew working for Rick could cause the KONY2012 exhaustion craze to spread? Get thee to California, mid level staff-er!

(Just for the record, I prefer top level staffs in my wind)

Chet Kincaid April 6, 2012 at 9:19 am

Dicks in the wind. All they are, are dicks in the wind.

Chet Kincaid April 6, 2012 at 9:23 am

Goddamn son of a bitch!!

CivicHoliday April 6, 2012 at 9:53 am

he is too fast. bionic!

weejee April 6, 2012 at 10:03 am

The Doc runs a pwn shop. Who knew?

MrFizzy April 6, 2012 at 9:31 am

And the answer my friend, is dicks in the wind, the answer is dicks in the wind.

Dashboard Buddha April 6, 2012 at 10:07 am

He graaaabs his dick
only for a moment
then the moment's gone

Major Thom April 6, 2012 at 9:24 am

All we are is dicks in the wind…

Doktor StrangeZoom April 6, 2012 at 9:26 am

I see a trend developing…

Major Thom April 6, 2012 at 9:28 am

dammit..Chet beat me to it

Doktor StrangeZoom April 6, 2012 at 9:35 am

well, actually….

Major Thom April 6, 2012 at 9:40 am

..FAIL…Beginning self-destruct sequence….

tessiee April 6, 2012 at 10:00 am

*runs whine_pout.exe*

Chet Kincaid April 6, 2012 at 9:36 am

I'm sorry to tell you, you are in 4th place. But you have not bean eliminated from the race!

Chichikovovich April 6, 2012 at 9:47 am

I hope there are at least some nice parting gifts for Major Thom, like Milton Bradley's latest board game and a case of Turtle Wax.

Chet Kincaid April 6, 2012 at 10:15 am

A Santorum-covered Roaming Gnome?

Doktor StrangeZoom April 6, 2012 at 10:15 am

I thought Wonkette already WAS the home version of the game…

UW8316154 April 6, 2012 at 9:24 am

Duh, it's Good Friday. The dick is hung out in the wind, only to rise again on Easter Sunday.

Jus_Wonderin April 6, 2012 at 9:28 am

Isn't there something about getting rocks off or a boulder moved or something before dicks can rise again?

CivicHoliday April 6, 2012 at 9:54 am

I FINALLY get the easter bunny symbolism now! Jesus rises and needs a rabbit-style orgy!

MrFizzy April 6, 2012 at 9:59 am

Dick Friday. Actually that sounds like a character from a porn noir film.

sullivanst April 6, 2012 at 10:22 am

Or the porn version of Robinson Crusoe

outragedcitizen April 6, 2012 at 9:26 am

Personally, I am going to miss Santorum. His contribution to dark comedy that is the GOP primary process has been outstanding. Besides, his presence is a clear indication to the undecided voters on just how fucked up this country will be if the GOPbaggers get the White House.

Terry April 6, 2012 at 9:26 am

"Rick Santorum to drop out in shame"

Since when has Rick Santorum had ANY shame?

MrFizzy April 6, 2012 at 9:32 am

you don't have to be ashamed of anything if you have jeebus in your back pocket.

ThankYouJeebus April 6, 2012 at 9:28 am

So is Rick going to get, ahem, behind Mitt now?

Callyson April 6, 2012 at 11:59 am

He'll make a big push for Mittens now.

el_donaldo April 6, 2012 at 9:28 am

I just dropped a major portion of a certain santorum ingredient myself. And I felt good about it. I might let another significant ingredient drop later, and I'll probably feel really good about that too.

metamarcisf April 6, 2012 at 9:29 am

And the cock crowed three times…

noodlesalad April 6, 2012 at 9:29 am

Drop out with your Koch out.

Chichikovovich April 6, 2012 at 9:33 am

Come on, Rick. You don't have much time left. It's like in the movies when the mortally wounded soldier goes on a last suicide charge to take out as many Nazi Rooskies as he can. Give an angry speech about how the Mormons don't believe in the Trinity. That Jesus and Satan are brothers. Send out a dozen copies of the Chick tract on Mormonism to everyone on your Campaign's mailing list.** Rant about the 1978 "revelation" that changed the doctrine concerning interracial marriage and God's curse of black skin. [A twofer: Independents will be shocked to learn this, and the 27%ers will be angry that they changed their mind.]

Come on, Rick! Do it! You know God wants you to.

** http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0061/0061_01….

Doktor StrangeZoom April 6, 2012 at 9:38 am

Agreed–perhaps it could culminate in a Mishima-style display of his ultimate patriotism, on live TV.

(Metaphorically, of COURSE)

Wile E. Quixote April 6, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Wait, when you say "Mishima-style display" are you talking about the seppuku thing or the "hanging around in gay bars and getting together with a bunch of other muscle boys and creating his own version of the Sturmabteilung" thing?

C_R_Eature April 6, 2012 at 9:41 am

If he does all that onstage, with his Penis in the wind he'll attract a lot more attention.

Chet Kincaid April 6, 2012 at 9:49 am

"What a terrible thing to say. If I were black and found out about this…I'd be outraged!"

Chichikovovich April 6, 2012 at 9:51 am

"But since I'm not black, I'm totally cool with it."

Chet Kincaid April 6, 2012 at 9:51 am

Needs moar grey temples 'shopped onto the one dark-haired Elder's head in the comic.

Chet Kincaid April 6, 2012 at 10:24 am

You know, somebody with better-than-Kindergarten French skills should take that comic and turn it into Mittens' adventures as a door-to-door Mormon salesman in Paris. Is Mr. Chick litigious?

Doktor StrangeZoom April 6, 2012 at 11:02 am

Very, unfortunately. He's shut down at least one parody site that I can recall

BerkeleyBear April 6, 2012 at 10:57 am

The fact you can still find Chick tracts propaganda bombed in stores amazes me. It reminds me just how much different my mind is than so many of the crazies I cohabit this planet with. And makes me want to pickle said mind as quickly as possible.

fuflans April 6, 2012 at 10:58 am

i would pay serious money for this.

Biff April 6, 2012 at 9:34 am

Can we expect the level of hatred and vitriol to diminish soon? We haven't heard a peep out of the gnewt or doctor congressman Paul in a while…

fitley April 6, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Carl "Afro Email" Palladin just popped up like a pustule to warn that Spewt was going to do something big at the convention. I wonder if Ricky is in cahoots with Spewt. This could be the biggest, craziest, hateful thing ever. EVAH.

C_R_Eature April 6, 2012 at 9:37 am

♪♫ Idiot wind blowing through the buttons of our flys
Blowing through the Penises that we can't hide
Idiot wind blowing through the BALLS upon our shorts
We're idiots babe
It's a wonder we can even file Reports. ♫♪

bikerlaureate April 6, 2012 at 9:40 am

I don't need to see "surge" and "Santorum" in the same sentence this early in the a.m.

bagofmice April 6, 2012 at 9:44 am

For reference, here is the proper ween.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-54wAE7nJI&fe

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 6, 2012 at 9:47 am

I don't want to speculate when Santorum will drop out, because he's a hateful, evil man. Giving him attention is LOW on my list.

However, I am totally waiting for Gingrich to fuck his finances to death, by keeping his extinguished hopes stupidly alive. And what's most delicious? He's being bankrolled by a goddamn casino. He's going to owe Sheldon soooo many blowjobs when this is over.

cheetojeebus April 6, 2012 at 9:57 am

A fantasy: Newt in a dirty chili stained teeshirt filling to capacity a raggedy recliner watching a 10" tv on the formica counter in his leaky old mobile home. An eviction notice taped to the door.

C_R_Eature April 6, 2012 at 10:14 am

Callista furiously giving blowjobs in the back bedroom, for cash. There's a line.

Steverino247 April 6, 2012 at 11:16 am

And after each of them, she turns and faces the camera to ask, with semen dribbling off her chin, "What did I win?"

C_R_Eature April 6, 2012 at 11:19 am

Announcer: "Oooh, sorry Callista! The Judges were looking for BALL GOBBLING. Please try again."

tessiee April 6, 2012 at 10:14 am

"However, I am totally waiting for Gingrich to fuck his finances to death"

You KNOW I read this as "Gingrich to fuck his FIANCEES to death".

ThundercatHo April 6, 2012 at 10:22 am

Limpballs can't wait for the video.

PuckStopsHere April 6, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Wait till Newt hears, "You can have your hands or you can have your money, but you can't have both."

tessiee April 6, 2012 at 9:53 am

Please, if that little worm were capable of shame, he would have killed himself in some clumsy, messy, painful way decades ago.

Lucidamente1 April 6, 2012 at 9:54 am

I’m sitting out here in Pennsylvania with my dick in the wind
It felt good to be out of the rain
In Pennsyvania you can't remember your wind
'Coz there aint no one to a give you no pain.

ThundercatHo April 6, 2012 at 10:25 am

A dick with no name? I thought every guy had a dickname?

ThundercatHo April 6, 2012 at 9:55 am

Well, I guess it's just one more thing that Lil' Ricky and the Snowbilly Quitter have in common. Hmmmm.

P.S. I am off to Richmond, VA to eat, drink, shop and gossip with friends. Hopefully, we can all work in a good transvaginal probing also, too. Be good and enjoy 3-day-old-dead-Jeebus Day!

C_R_Eature April 6, 2012 at 9:57 am

Well, as long as your Dick is out in the wind, face True North and you'll have yourself an acceptable Gnomon.

fartknocker April 6, 2012 at 9:57 am

Go pray the gay away you disorganized sack of shit.

docterry6973 April 6, 2012 at 10:01 am

It's nice out today. I think I'll leave it out.

DaRooster April 6, 2012 at 10:21 am

Never know what could happen…

tessiee April 6, 2012 at 10:02 am

That little snake shit would drop out if for no other reason than today is Good Friday, so he could have some sort of self-pity martyrgasm.

Dashboard Buddha April 6, 2012 at 10:11 am

martyrgasm! A new word for my Derisive Dictionary.

tessiee April 6, 2012 at 10:17 am

*looks down shyly, blushing*
I just made it up.

MadBrahms April 6, 2012 at 10:10 am

I've already moved on to thinking about what kind of rocks these sleazeballs are going to find to hide under when they lose. Santorum's too unlikable for FOX.

ThundercatHo April 6, 2012 at 10:30 am

Hopefully someone will roll an extremely large boulder in front of his cave, mortar it in place and then dynamite the hillside causing a massive rockslide that piles up in front. After that make the surrounding area into a nuclear waste site and mine field. I sure won't miss this mess o' shit.

AddHomonym April 6, 2012 at 10:13 am

And it seems to me that you're in PA
With your dick out in the wind
Your wiener will be out there long before
Santorum ever wins

smitallica April 6, 2012 at 10:17 am

How badly do you have to piss off your editor to be assigned to cover this not-a-chance piece of shit? Fuck his wife? Fuck his daughter? Fuck his boyfriend?

C_R_Eature April 6, 2012 at 10:17 am

"All of them, _____?"

chascates April 6, 2012 at 10:20 am

He's taking 4 days off for Easter. If he manages to push the rock out and leave his tomb we'll see him lose in Pennsylvania and disappear thereafter, only to become a myth to his followers.

Swampgas_Man April 6, 2012 at 10:54 am

And if he sees his shadow, we'll have six more weeks of campaigning!

Deportably_Jose April 6, 2012 at 12:14 pm

And if he doesn't, he'll blame it on Obama being a freedom-hating secularist elitist at the beck and call of the islamo-homofascists!

DaRooster April 6, 2012 at 10:22 am

“I’m sitting out here in Pennsylvania with my d— in the wind with no idea of what’s going on…"

And this is different from sitting in Wisc., Florida, Iowa how?

SolitaireRose April 6, 2012 at 10:25 am

On a rare serious note, I don't think he'll drop out if he has any chance at all to win in Pennsylvania simply to avenge the drubbing he took there in 2006. Besides, he will run in 2016, so he'll have to safe face somehow.

And since the first part of this comment was serious…um…balls!

C_R_Eature April 6, 2012 at 10:28 am

♪♫ Pennnnnnsylvania where the wind comes sweepin' down your Peen
Where the wavin Meat can sure get beat
When the candidate ups and splits the scene. ♫♪

Barb April 6, 2012 at 10:34 am

Ah Christ! Are we going to have to watch his daughter blubber again over this decision?

fuflans April 6, 2012 at 10:59 am

yeah, but she's a hell of a lot prettier now, so it won't be as much fun.

plus she probably doesn't dress like the doll anymore. so there's that.

anniegetyerfun April 6, 2012 at 10:36 am

His penis, my friends, is blowing in the wind
Oh, his penis is blowing in the wind

Swampgas_Man April 6, 2012 at 10:55 am

Seems to me Rick lives his life
Like a dick in the wind.
Never knowin' what to cling to
When the froth came in.

fuflans April 6, 2012 at 11:04 am

to be fair, i'd be pretty pissed if i had been abandoned in pennsylvania.

Callyson April 6, 2012 at 11:53 am

“I’m sitting out here in Pennsylvania with my d— in the wind with no idea of what’s going on"

That sounds like a good description of Frothy Mix' two terms as Senator of my home state…

The lulz have been fun, Ricky, but don't let the door slam you on the ass on your way out…

Deportably_Jose April 6, 2012 at 11:59 am

Honestly, I'm hoping Santorum stays in the race long enough to get completely, humiliatingly, shellacked in Pennsylvania. Again.

Nostrildamus April 6, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Santorum doesn't drop out. He slowly drips out over a period of several hours. Sometimes there's a sploosh.

owhatever April 6, 2012 at 12:21 pm

How can Rick reject God's mandate for him to be prezdent? He needs to fight on to the convention, where a burning bush will nominate him until it is doused by the Angel Moroni.

Also attention, soon-to-be out of work Santorum staffers: That lucrative job at Planned Parenthood has already been filled.

DahBoner April 6, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Santorum to drop out in shame…

"Uh…I guess you can't get pregnant that way."

keinsignal April 6, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Reminds me of the time I had sex with a tornado.

valthemus April 6, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Santorum and Gingrich will do what Trump did, drop out of the race but let their egos keep campaigning.

ttommyunger April 6, 2012 at 9:29 pm

If he quits the race it will only be to rise to the level of Lou Sarah as both a loser and a quitter.

PuckStopsHere April 6, 2012 at 10:13 pm

I call bullshit. Staffer's dicks out because he failed to hit it past the Ladies Tee. Again.

Bonghits4Jesus April 8, 2012 at 3:44 am

Dick in the wind… all we are is dick in the wind…

Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore!

tweeksmom April 9, 2012 at 6:53 am

Cue the sick baby!

Chet Kincaid April 6, 2012 at 10:16 am

The original Mr. Punchable.

Gleem McShineys April 6, 2012 at 12:57 pm

"Well, it got so that every piss-ant prairie punk who thought he could say 'penis' would ride into town to try out the Wanko Kid. I must have penis-joked more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word 'dingus' in my sleep. Then one day, I was just walking down the street when I heard a voice behind me say, "Reach for it, mister!" I spun around… and there I was, face to face with a six-year old kid. Well, I just threw my rat dicks down and walked away. Little bastard assfucked me in the ass (because Wonkette). So I limped to the nearest mommy blog, crawled inside a whiskey bottle… and I've been there ever since. "

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: