weeeee

‘Rick Santorum to Drop Out in Shame Any Day Now’ Rumors Begin in Earnest

The santorum-flinging parties were such fun, though.

Exciting anonymously-sourced rumors have it that lunatic prince Rick Santorum’s staffers are beginning to wander out from the confines of his inmate-ruled insane asylum! Consider this your safety advisory: “One top Republican strategist said he’d seen a surge of postings on Republican job boards from Santorum staffers, and two mid-level staffers told The Hill that top aides had gone radio silent.” Oh dear. But the poor, unhappy nuts do not like running around on the loose! Just listen to this one sad staffer who, uh, complained to a reporter that he feels very confused about what to do with his penis right now without Rick Santorum to give him an instruction:

One mid-level field staffer told The Hill that he’d been unable to reach his bosses since he’d flown to Pennsylvania following the Wisconsin primary and had received no direction about where to open field offices or plans to build a ground game.

The campaign “has always been a little less organized than some other presidential campaigns but this is by far the worst I’ve ever seen it and it tells me there’s no plan for anything,” he said. “I’m sitting out here in Pennsylvania with my d— in the wind with no idea of what’s going on… It’s the most disorganized thing I’ve ever seen and it leads me to the conclusion that he can’t continue and has no plans to.”

This has been your Good Friday post about Rick Santorum and weiners. [The Hill]

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140 comments

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        Jus Wonderin here. Tardy. I slept in with my Weiner. I won't let it happen again.

      2. tessiee

        Back when I was in grade school, everyone said "Here!". If you said, "Present!", you were either a Martin Prince-type ass-kisser, or trying to be funny.

        But then, I don't know what Chet's school as like; I just assumed that all schools were like that.

        1. C_R_Eature

          I used to say "Present", but I also used to say "*cough* blowjob *cough*" and sneeze "Ahhhshit!", so I guess I was just a smartass.

        2. Chet Kincaid

          Robert Fulton Elementary School in Cleveland was a "present" kind of place in the mid-'60s. "Butt Cricket" with splintery paddles was still a popular disciplinary method among teachers at the time, also.

          1. Gleem McShineys

            "Well, it got so that every piss-ant prairie punk who thought he could say 'penis' would ride into town to try out the Wanko Kid. I must have penis-joked more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word 'dingus' in my sleep. Then one day, I was just walking down the street when I heard a voice behind me say, "Reach for it, mister!" I spun around… and there I was, face to face with a six-year old kid. Well, I just threw my rat dicks down and walked away. Little bastard assfucked me in the ass (because Wonkette). So I limped to the nearest mommy blog, crawled inside a whiskey bottle… and I've been there ever since. "

    1. bagofmice

      Who knew ween had anything to do with Santorum? I presume this is the work of thestranger.

    2. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      Toby Keith wrote that song, so the delegates will still be mad at Romney.

    3. a_pink_poodle

      Would dyck be a suitable substitution? Then it almost looks like duck and I like ducks. Often times I'd buy a whole loaf of bread to feed to the ducks by the river! But of course the damn seagulls would muscle in on Mr and Mrs Duck's dinner time and I'd rather they have that bread than some smelly seagulls because they have to migrate north and south and I'd rather they have the energy to make such a flight. Seagulls can pick the barnacles off the side of boats for all I care. I'm also told that bread is bad for ducks.

      … what was I talking about again? Where am I?

  1. slithytoves

    I just want to see an updated picture of his daughter in tears over this. If that makes me mean, so be it.

      1. HistoriCat

        Tears of relief? I doubt it. I bet the family is happy when Rick has to be away from home – really brightens up the place.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      I'm with you on this one. If she won't hold the doll, I'd be thrilled if she would hold, like, a Blackberry in her arms while her face crumbles in despair.

    1. Callyson

      When God chooses you to show an example of how religious extremism will turn a person into a raging lunatic, one who deserved to get pwned, you do not stop!

  2. skoalrebel

    Rick's seen the frothy light oozing from the end of the tunnel. [spit!] Gonna miss him, though. He showed that anyone can run for president. I find that inspiring. [spit]

  3. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the Google meme
    It slips away, and all your money won't another voter ream
    Dicks in the wind,
    All we are is dicks in the wind

    (For an encore, we'll do "Carry On, My Gaywad Son")

        1. Chet Kincaid

          I still remember the classic issue of Rolling Stone when they put up a row of little floating heads of the members of Kansas, Styx and REO Speedwagon (and maybe a few others) and challenged readers to tell who any of them were.

      1. Doktor StrangeZoom

        All of us, Katie.

        (Actually, I've got "Wayward Son" stuck in my head. It's no better.

    1. Swampgas_Man

      Seems to me you lived your life
      Like a dick in the wind.
      Never knowin' who to cling to
      When the Santorum came in.

  4. FakaktaSouth

    "I'm sitting out here in Pennsylvania with my dick in the wind"

    Who knew working for Rick could cause the KONY2012 exhaustion craze to spread? Get thee to California, mid level staff-er!

    (Just for the record, I prefer top level staffs in my wind)

        1. Chichikovovich

          I hope there are at least some nice parting gifts for Major Thom, like Milton Bradley's latest board game and a case of Turtle Wax.

  5. UW8316154

    Duh, it's Good Friday. The dick is hung out in the wind, only to rise again on Easter Sunday.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      Isn't there something about getting rocks off or a boulder moved or something before dicks can rise again?

    2. CivicHoliday

      I FINALLY get the easter bunny symbolism now! Jesus rises and needs a rabbit-style orgy!

  6. outragedcitizen

    Personally, I am going to miss Santorum. His contribution to dark comedy that is the GOP primary process has been outstanding. Besides, his presence is a clear indication to the undecided voters on just how fucked up this country will be if the GOPbaggers get the White House.

  7. el_donaldo

    I just dropped a major portion of a certain santorum ingredient myself. And I felt good about it. I might let another significant ingredient drop later, and I'll probably feel really good about that too.

  8. Chichikovovich

    Come on, Rick. You don't have much time left. It's like in the movies when the mortally wounded soldier goes on a last suicide charge to take out as many Nazi Rooskies as he can. Give an angry speech about how the Mormons don't believe in the Trinity. That Jesus and Satan are brothers. Send out a dozen copies of the Chick tract on Mormonism to everyone on your Campaign's mailing list.** Rant about the 1978 "revelation" that changed the doctrine concerning interracial marriage and God's curse of black skin. [A twofer: Independents will be shocked to learn this, and the 27%ers will be angry that they changed their mind.]

    Come on, Rick! Do it! You know God wants you to.

    ** http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0061/0061_01….

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Agreed–perhaps it could culminate in a Mishima-style display of his ultimate patriotism, on live TV.

      (Metaphorically, of COURSE)

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        Wait, when you say "Mishima-style display" are you talking about the seppuku thing or the "hanging around in gay bars and getting together with a bunch of other muscle boys and creating his own version of the Sturmabteilung" thing?

    2. C_R_Eature

      If he does all that onstage, with his Penis in the wind he'll attract a lot more attention.

    3. Chet Kincaid

      You know, somebody with better-than-Kindergarten French skills should take that comic and turn it into Mittens' adventures as a door-to-door Mormon salesman in Paris. Is Mr. Chick litigious?

    4. BerkeleyBear

      The fact you can still find Chick tracts propaganda bombed in stores amazes me. It reminds me just how much different my mind is than so many of the crazies I cohabit this planet with. And makes me want to pickle said mind as quickly as possible.

  9. Biff

    Can we expect the level of hatred and vitriol to diminish soon? We haven't heard a peep out of the gnewt or doctor congressman Paul in a while…

    1. fitley

      Carl "Afro Email" Palladin just popped up like a pustule to warn that Spewt was going to do something big at the convention. I wonder if Ricky is in cahoots with Spewt. This could be the biggest, craziest, hateful thing ever. EVAH.

  10. C_R_Eature

    ♪♫ Idiot wind blowing through the buttons of our flys
    Blowing through the Penises that we can't hide
    Idiot wind blowing through the BALLS upon our shorts
    We're idiots babe
    It's a wonder we can even file Reports. ♫♪

  11. bikerlaureate

    I don't need to see "surge" and "Santorum" in the same sentence this early in the a.m.

  12. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    I don't want to speculate when Santorum will drop out, because he's a hateful, evil man. Giving him attention is LOW on my list.

    However, I am totally waiting for Gingrich to fuck his finances to death, by keeping his extinguished hopes stupidly alive. And what's most delicious? He's being bankrolled by a goddamn casino. He's going to owe Sheldon soooo many blowjobs when this is over.

    1. cheetojeebus

      A fantasy: Newt in a dirty chili stained teeshirt filling to capacity a raggedy recliner watching a 10" tv on the formica counter in his leaky old mobile home. An eviction notice taped to the door.

        1. Steverino247

          And after each of them, she turns and faces the camera to ask, with semen dribbling off her chin, "What did I win?"

          1. C_R_Eature

            Announcer: "Oooh, sorry Callista! The Judges were looking for BALL GOBBLING. Please try again."

    2. tessiee

      "However, I am totally waiting for Gingrich to fuck his finances to death"

      You KNOW I read this as "Gingrich to fuck his FIANCEES to death".

    3. PuckStopsHere

      Wait till Newt hears, "You can have your hands or you can have your money, but you can't have both."

  13. tessiee

    Please, if that little worm were capable of shame, he would have killed himself in some clumsy, messy, painful way decades ago.

  14. Lucidamente1

    I’m sitting out here in Pennsylvania with my dick in the wind
    It felt good to be out of the rain
    In Pennsyvania you can't remember your wind
    'Coz there aint no one to a give you no pain.

  15. ThundercatHo

    Well, I guess it's just one more thing that Lil' Ricky and the Snowbilly Quitter have in common. Hmmmm.

    P.S. I am off to Richmond, VA to eat, drink, shop and gossip with friends. Hopefully, we can all work in a good transvaginal probing also, too. Be good and enjoy 3-day-old-dead-Jeebus Day!

  16. tessiee

    That little snake shit would drop out if for no other reason than today is Good Friday, so he could have some sort of self-pity martyrgasm.

  17. MadBrahms

    I've already moved on to thinking about what kind of rocks these sleazeballs are going to find to hide under when they lose. Santorum's too unlikable for FOX.

    1. ThundercatHo

      Hopefully someone will roll an extremely large boulder in front of his cave, mortar it in place and then dynamite the hillside causing a massive rockslide that piles up in front. After that make the surrounding area into a nuclear waste site and mine field. I sure won't miss this mess o' shit.

  18. AddHomonym

    And it seems to me that you're in PA
    With your dick out in the wind
    Your wiener will be out there long before
    Santorum ever wins

  19. smitallica

    How badly do you have to piss off your editor to be assigned to cover this not-a-chance piece of shit? Fuck his wife? Fuck his daughter? Fuck his boyfriend?

  20. chascates

    He's taking 4 days off for Easter. If he manages to push the rock out and leave his tomb we'll see him lose in Pennsylvania and disappear thereafter, only to become a myth to his followers.

  21. DaRooster

    “I’m sitting out here in Pennsylvania with my d— in the wind with no idea of what’s going on…"

    And this is different from sitting in Wisc., Florida, Iowa how?

  22. SolitaireRose

    On a rare serious note, I don't think he'll drop out if he has any chance at all to win in Pennsylvania simply to avenge the drubbing he took there in 2006. Besides, he will run in 2016, so he'll have to safe face somehow.

    And since the first part of this comment was serious…um…balls!

  23. C_R_Eature

    ♪♫ Pennnnnnsylvania where the wind comes sweepin' down your Peen
    Where the wavin Meat can sure get beat
    When the candidate ups and splits the scene. ♫♪

    1. fuflans

      yeah, but she's a hell of a lot prettier now, so it won't be as much fun.

      plus she probably doesn't dress like the doll anymore. so there's that.

  24. Swampgas_Man

    Seems to me Rick lives his life
    Like a dick in the wind.
    Never knowin' what to cling to
    When the froth came in.

  25. Callyson

    “I’m sitting out here in Pennsylvania with my d— in the wind with no idea of what’s going on"

    That sounds like a good description of Frothy Mix' two terms as Senator of my home state…

    The lulz have been fun, Ricky, but don't let the door slam you on the ass on your way out…

  26. Nostrildamus

    Santorum doesn't drop out. He slowly drips out over a period of several hours. Sometimes there's a sploosh.

  27. owhatever

    How can Rick reject God's mandate for him to be prezdent? He needs to fight on to the convention, where a burning bush will nominate him until it is doused by the Angel Moroni.

    Also attention, soon-to-be out of work Santorum staffers: That lucrative job at Planned Parenthood has already been filled.

  28. ttommyunger

    If he quits the race it will only be to rise to the level of Lou Sarah as both a loser and a quitter.

  29. PuckStopsHere

    I call bullshit. Staffer's dicks out because he failed to hit it past the Ladies Tee. Again.

  30. Bonghits4Jesus

    Dick in the wind… all we are is dick in the wind…

    Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore!

Comments are closed.