It must be hard to be Bristol Palin. First you barely escape your shotgun wedding to cool-guy sperm-trust Levi Johnston. Then you are forced to keep constantly being on terrible “reality television” programs. Then you must start a ghostwritten blog to yell at President Obama for not standing up for you against mean comedians, even though when you were first knocked up he called clearly for people to respect you and compared you to his own teenage mama. And then to keep all the abstinence-speech money flowing you have to shack up with your fat skeezy greasy boyfriend and call it, in reframing language that must have come straight from Frank Luntz, a “trial marriage.” That, plus the ladies on The View — even the super braintrusty ones! — think you are an idiot and a liar. (But don’t worry, they are mostly Jews and blahs.)
The ladies on The View should have had Levi Johnston’s sister Mercede on to talk about this, since Bristol Palin’s terrible greasy boyfriend, Gino Paoletti, is Mercede’s ex. Ugh Wasilla. Remember when you were a young hot-to-trot lady and watched Northern Exposure and thought “I could move to Alaska and be the pretty girl with the mole and there would be tons of cute blue-collar dudes, plus John Corbett, and the Jewy one”? Yeah, Alaska is really just Levi and Gino, plus 350,000 more of them. [Via Mediaite]
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When's the baby due?
Willow's or Bristol's?
Trial marriage leads to a 18 year subscription to monthly child support payments.
She's an entrepreneur.
Wait. Isn't that like getting welfare?
A K. West, Esq., advises M. Paoletti to obtain results of genetic testing to ensure any court order is due.
Good point. He might actually be related to Brisket, as inbred as Alaska seems to be.
around 6 and a half months from now sounds about right.
About six months after the first vehement denial that it's on the way.
Nine months and fifteen minutes after they met.
“trial marriage.”
Because it's the sort of marriage that typically ends in a trial.
Judge Judy libel!
They all do, in one way or another.
Whereas their first time was a "trail" marriage.
Appalachian or Tears?
Treasure.
Trial in which the main evidence involves tapes of 911 calls.
Usually leads to trial babby, also.
Hope she re-virginized her rectum too – that's where most of Levi's issue ended up.
Rectum? She nearly killed 'em.
[Brought to you by the Canadian Traditional Joke Commission/Plaisanteries à L'ancienne Canada]
She did actually but it turns out that is just what she calls anal bleaching.
She presumably had all of her holes re-virginized at once on a volume discount basis.
The girl with the mole is a wingnut so at least that part was realistic.
There was always a very conty air about her, so it was not too surprising.
So is John Corbett. Totes realistic.
Janine Turner is a far right conservative and has gone back to her natural Kolobian-platinum. Her raven-haired daughter was conceived out-of-holy-wedlock (not that I give a sh*t but it's always struck me as bizarre that these uber-wing-nuts manage to get pregnant without being, or even marrying the father). "Constituting America" (like it's orange juice) is the name of Turner's political organization. Her website is (like most things GOP) unintentionally humorous. I love the blurbs from Palin, Wallace and other fellow GOP f+cktards. Oh and apparently her daughter (bastard child of Texas) has written a book, Our Constitution Rocks! (from Zondervan publishing of Warren's The Purpose Driven LIfe).
"Trial marriage"? Saves the expense of a real divorce.
Next up, Trial Herpes.
I was just thinking that given the apparent incestuousness of Wasilla, perhaps a quarantine should be imposed?
Alas, herpes is forever. You break it, you buy it.
Many birds, like pelicans, use their gular pouches while hunting to store fish.
Or, in Bristol's case, wine coolers.
In fairness, wine coolers are a kind of store fish
Now if you want John Corbett, you just have to go to Applebees, or wherever the fuck it is he is shilling for these days.
United States of Tara. I've seen a few episodes – it's not bad.
And he has a band. Of course. My parents have seen him in concert. Twice. Pretty much tells me everything I need to know about that particular venture.
Does he play with Steve from Blue's Clues?
I'll take John Corbett over Janine Turner.
http://www.towleroad.com/2011/01/turner.html
This may make it harder to keep her abstinence pledge.
She's lived with a guy before. She knows how to go without.
"Born-again virginity"? That ship has sailed, freaks.
Does Mercede still have her blog? Cuz things must be heatin' up over there now. Wasilla hillbilly shitstorm coming up.
Nah, even the Wasilla hillbilly knows that learning how to be so hypocritical you transcend hypocrisy is the most important lesson for a young conservative to learn.
deadthreaded, but it's AZ.
Teen Girl Exorcism Squad: Three Arizona Girls Claim to Cast Out Demons
[via Atrios]
http://abcnews.go.com/US/teen-girl-exorcism-squad…
Christian LARPers are so funny.
Living with one of the Palins would definately be a trial.
Or, a sentence.
Is her "starter-baby" going to live with them?
..or the mysterious post-DWTS infant the Massey Brothers were changing diapers for last winter while Bristol was having a "trial threesome" with them?
(for what I presume was the prequel failed "reality" show)
I recall that queen Elizabeth refused consent to her sister Margaret to marry a man because he'd been divorced. So Margaret became an adulterous, dissolute sponsor of various gigolos and then died a wretched death. Meanwhile, three out of four of Elizabeth's children got divorced.
I suspect something similar will happen in this case, but with less class.
My suspicion is Sarah Lou is pissed Bristol beat her to the break up.
Considering what happened with her uncle, I'd be skittish about divorcees if I were her, too.
Considering that it was her ancestor who created his own church to allow for divorce without the church's permission, I wouldn't be so self righteous.
I was thinking it was a reference to Trooper Wooten, not Edward VII.
That's a good point. I can't wait to see the Palins enter Julio-Claudian territory. Maybe we can get "I, Tripp"…
Trial Marriage isn't bad, but what if it's a girl?
Then they'll name her "Preliminary Inquiry".
Edit: Or if she's born while they are hopping over to the Yukon for socialized health care, they may choose a name with a sophisticated Canadian flavo(u)r, like "Crown Prosecutor" or "Common Bawdy House".
Or Dead Rabbit
"Hi, it's Fatal Attraction Palin. I've left you, like, a gazillion messages. Why won't you call me back? Why?! Whyyy?! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!!
I'm coming over…"
O/T Chichi: Thank you for your chalk dust-choked, delightfully dry dissection of the Black Knight's recent blog post. I was literally rolling on the floor laughing, because I have no arms or legs.
(One minor note: Your otherwise thorougly thorough analysis omitted mention of the brilliantly subtle inclusion of autocorrect. Draw your sword!)
Damn! Well, I'll just have to add a list of errata to the second printing.—
I just assumed that after Track, Tripp, and Trlg, Trial seemed like a fairly logical next step in describing this unfortunate chain of events.
Ah, I see. Didn't catch the pattern. Good one. In that case the girl would be “Tubes”. People would probably nickname her “Fallopie”.—
And, when she's older (14 or so), they will all want to take her to the lake.
Sadly, Trojan never gets included.
Thank god there aren't any Jooze in Wasilla, or the next babby would be named Trayfe.
Wasn't there a grampa married to a teenager, too? Since Sarah is moving to NY to be in the lamestream, Todd has his eye out for new specimens.
When it comes to penises, DON'T RETREAT…RELOAD (into your vagina)!
It's the family crest, no?
So was Tripper or whatever a trial baby?
"Trial marriage," because "Test Drive" didn't do well in the focus groups.
Oh, the I shouldn't say "used" refering to Bristol. Is "preowned" better?
New reality show: Ice Road Fuckers!
Deadliest (venereal disease) Catch
The Dirtiest Job
The Biggest Loser(s).
That's not my baby's daddy.
And why not? After all, that Trial Governorship worked wonders for Sarah…
What do they call it when you live at home, get knocked up, get engaged to the father, break off the engagement after living with him, have the baby, reclaim your virginity with a virginity world tour, and then shack up with the father of your fetus?
Let's ask Rush!
Trial marriage, you know, like the gays do, because discrimination.
I love me some Bat Boy.
That is all.
So what is sex called between them?
Spring Training?
Taking pot-shots at Bristol is like having a slam dunk competition with one of those plastic kiddie basketball hoops.
Bacon, somehow I fumbled around and made your banner green. It is distracting. What did I do?
You must go to the nearest Taco Bell demand a McRib sandwich and to see the manager. Her name is Deb. Wink 2 times with your left eye. She will give you a promotional mug for the movie Teen Wolf Too and a slightly bent 9 penny nail. Take these items across the street to the tire store. Ask to use the bathroom. Place the nail on top of the 3rd urinal from the door and fill up the mug with water and break all lights/mirrors in the bathroom before leaving. Take the full glass of water and go to the mall, carefull not to spill it. Enter the Merry-Go-Round and there will be a man named Sven in a green shirt. Upon seeing you Sven will produce a forged pass port, which you will put in your back right pocket and half of 50 english pound note. Carefull not to spill the water, go quickly but not in a manner that will attract attention to the food court and place the english pound note in the water….further instruction will appear.
It's true! In fact, I had something in my eye and she took me around back then took me around back.
You were followed. The mission has been compromised. Do you have any idea how many people you have hung out to dry? DO YOU?!? The apparatus that you've so carelessly destroyed will take years to rebuild…if even at all.
Ok. Printing this out though. I don't want to get to the bathroom and have a fill faux pas.
"Trial Marriages": first popularized by King Henry VIII of course.
I'm Trial Divorced!
All divorces are trials.
It was, despite not being a legal separation, pretty damn horrible. But, this not being with that dude/Trial Divorce/actual marriage to good guy thing is working out well, so yay.
So will there be a tent set up along this "trail"?
Oh… trial… never mind.
Camera traps, too.
Salt licks?
How do you think she got this way? Also, tequila, too.
It's "trial", not "trail" — and yet, somehow, I feel certain that there *will* be a tent, and it *will* have within it wine coolers.
True story:
Waaay back in the day Bertrand Russell (he of my avatar, BTW) came to give a speech at my grandmother's college. She told me that all her friends were gleeful and wonderfully excited to hear him speak, since he'd been making waves by speaking out in favor of and promoting such radical and socially progressive ideas as trial marriages and the like. Alas, my grandmother reported, her friends were soon disappointed when it became apparent that he intended to spend the whole lecture speaking of mathematical philosophy.
Ramified Type Theory? Axiom of Reducibility??
Damn! I wish I had been there.
So Russell wrote other stuff besides Principia Mathematica, eh? Who'd have guessed?
He was a big promoter of nudism. Maybe they were expecting him to deliver the lecture nude.
"Trial Marriage"
This explains why they registered for paper plates and plastic utensils at the Dollar Tree. Or would they do that anyhow?
Every marriage to a Palin is a trial.
Isn't Gino Paoletti the guy who knocked up Snooki?
I thought he produced Cinemax After Dark?
Isn't there something…incestuous about fucking the ex-boyfriend of your ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend?
Yea, I know, sister, but COME ON! This is Alaska, they do something over those nine month winters indoors…
Nedz moar flow charts.
You think that's bad? Imagine if you're gay and two of your exes start dating each other. That's weird-city.
Bristol's virginity must be like those gag candles that relight themselves after you blow them out.
In Alaska, they call them "penises".
No, if she hadn't gagged on those, she wouldn't have little you know who.
Hahahaha, look at that li'l fella! He looks like what would happen if a thumb had a baby with Jim Carrey.
A bag of adderall and a healthy sense of enthusiasm could let one peruse all the sacraments, in trial form, in just one brisk week. Kinda like blazing thru a row of different colored vodka shots.
Indeed, I wouldn't mind going dada and do 'em out of order. Pennace, Anointing the Sick, and THEN Baptism!
Read the fine print, Bristol! You sign up for a trial marriage, they end up sending you another one every month and bill your credit card!
One day, she will have to get a real job, right? Isn't that the way the world works?? Maybe I should have raised a slutty girl, she'd maybe make more than her current professional job that she got after college (Magna Cum Laude!)
One day, she will have to get a real job, right?
If by "real job" you mean "Head Cashier at the Wasilla Kum-n-Go," then yes.
I was certain her future was at the "Curl Up & Dye".
I think that is Whippet's dream, Brisket was just gonna manage it.
MONEY SHOT LIBEL!
This reminds me of something a friend of mine told me about the rather pseudo-incestuous quality of life in the small town where she lives. You don't so much date people as take your turn; but the gossip is epic.
Hood River, Oregon?
She can do whatever she wants. But why does it always have to be in the form of a reality show? I guess her life must suck ass so she has to be paid to live it.
She really is a beautiful young lady! ……..Fuck me!
Preserving the sanctity of traditional trial marriage.
It's all they can do to keep me from just cold pushing the button on marriage forever (little known is that we gays already have the Marriage Doomsday Codes, but are drawing it out because we are enjoying the attention).
This is a post worthy of notice.
This all goes back to the National Enquirer, the primary and only source, which I found out in 3 minutes. Worth mentioning in the post.
Chet, I wanted to point out that I didn't comment on this post, lol. I started to and I thought to myself, "I want Chet to be proud of me." I went downstairs and I cleaned up the kitchen, took out the trash and snickered at the thought of wondering if you'd notice.
Haha, remarkable restraint, Ms. Barb! I only mentioned that it comes from the Enquirer because the chances are good that Brisket will just come out and deny it. But let's blast her with both barrels if she cops to it!
Seems the National Enquirer does better sourcing than some of the "real" papers, these days.
"The ladies on The View should have had Levi Johnston’s sister Mercede on to talk about this, since Bristol Palin’s terrible greasy boyfriend, Gino Paoletti, is Mercede’s ex. "
Wasilla isn't actually that small of a town. These rejects don't have to keep dating each other. Then again, maybe anyone in that town with a brain may be staying far away and the rejects are limited to only dating only from amongst themselves.
Nah, this is a perfect storm of stupid so rare it cannot breed outside of the confines of itself. Think of them as a blob of rejected genetic goo…any other creature that happens nearby would be instantly consumed and added to the collective…or maybe I'm mixing metaphors between Wasilla meth-tards and Rush Limbaughs rumpled fat ass?
I am throwing out my Direct TV and moving to Wasilla, where a 24-hour reality show is as close as your front window, and Russia is pretty close, too.
I'm not going to call Bristol a slut because I'm pretty sure she's not using birth control.
How do you know?
A shacked-up abstinence advocate! There are wonders in the earth, in these days. Maybe the Mayan Prophecy is true, after all.
Bristol: Abstinence advocate
Newt: Sanctity of marriage advocate
The jewy one quit to become a star, hasn't been seen since. But I think the DJ still does voiceovers. And, fellow Wonketteers, I, your low-self-esteem having midlife-crisising pervy Prommie, I only refer to men and women as Dudes and Chicks, in deliberate imitation of Hollis's young babe wife.
OMG, that chick, Hollis' wife, she is probably old now, wrinkled and saggy. Sob. I am old, how did I get so fucking old? I should have been a pair of ragged claws . . . .
Take it easy Hon. It'll be ok. There's plenty of olds here and if you still can read and type then life is still worth living. Go have a nice (mood stabilizer/uplifter of choice) a little nap. But yeah, what did ever happen to all those nice NE folks? The DJ guy was in My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding and the astronaut was in Lonesome Dove and I think the pilot/hottie did a eyeball dryness commercial. What did they do to all get blackballed?
Janine Turner (pilot hottie) went full wingnut and deserved to be blackballed. Think Victoria Jackson crazy, but smarter. Cynthia Geary got married during the run of the program, has 2 kids and still married to her husband. Joel, the doc, did some cop-ish show, Numb3rs, up until not that long ago. It appears the crazy ones in NE turned out crazy in real life, too.
I believe in the Old Testement, where marriage was invented and defined forever, a "trial marriage" is a forty-day period of time in which a man decides if he likes his bride, and if not he can drown her in river.
Mebbe they'll have a trial three-way with Mercy. That's Wasilla!
You know, if it could include ear plugs, I might sign up for that.
Prediction: Bristol sex tape by 2013. Snowbillies gotta eat too.
Gino Paoletti? What, he's from Passaic, Alaska?
Do you got a problem wit dat?
Yeah, so what, wise guy. Wanna fight about it?
It's God's will that Bristol be with Levi. Anything else is adultery. The Bible said it, I believe it, that settles it.
Gino looks like Peter Krause and Jake Gyllenhaal had a kid.
I don't know who Peter Krause is, but Jerri on page 1 would like a word with you.
Ya' know, from time to time I read about something that is so blazingly stupid, so unendingly ignorant that all I can do is bang my head into the desk over and over and over.
This is one of those times.
The lesson is clear. You can be a total slut, as long as you are a conservative slut. So, ladies, put on your "Newt for President" campaign button and get out there and screw everything that moves! (or, you know, that isn't gay, because that would just be wrong).
"So, ladies, put on your "Newt for President" campaign button and get out there and screw everything that moves!"
WAAAAAY ahead of y–…
Oh.
"Newt for President" campaign button, you say?
I don't know if its a trial marriage, or a test marriage, perhaps its just a… drill? DRILL BABY DRILL!
Blondie, you need to STFU since you have nothing intelligent to add and you're so very annoying.
Being a Palin must be a form of dementia. How else can you explain their oceans of smarmy hypocrisy containing not one drop of shame or self-awareness?
Oh, and Rush? If Sandra Fluke was a slut for advocating that other women have access to birth control for health reasons, just what does that make Bristol Palin?
The Palin brand could be seriously damaged by this…Kiddin'.
Is this what they mean by "working on the North Slope?"
Bristol wants eight grooms, one for each day of the week.
"Bristol Palin’s terrible greasy boyfriend, Gino Paoletti"
I have to wonder a) how an Italian boy found himself in Alaska in the first place and b) now that he's there, how is he going to manage the requisite amount of tanning?
Easy–Grandma Grizzly bought a tanning bed. No, really!
Bristol had better hurry up; Levi has already impregnated his new girlfriend:
http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/2012/04/levi-jo…
Hilarious "spoiler": He says she's "so good with kids". I sure hope so.
The Park Services folks are right: We really need to stop giving the Palins money and attention if they are to survive and thrive. If we keep feeding their insatiable hunger for money and attention, they become dependent and unable to function as nature intends.
Tripp, Track and Trial.
apparently the star of family, rhymes with Twig can't be mentioned
Abstinence advocate : Try before you buy.
Trial marriage: Try before you buy.
What a star, what a roll model.
Bristol, you are a stupid bitch and only stupid bitches and dysfunctional men will watch this
circus.
I'd like for the entire Palin Clan to have a Trial Shutting Up period.
Several years should do it.
And somewhere Newt Gingrich is thinking "Trial marriage? Shit! That's what I should have told my first two wives, maybe there's still time to try it out on Callista."
Man, given Bristol's passion for breeding the newest Palin (Tremor? for the effect the genetic damage of this "union" will have on mama's lil' door stop) will be forthcoming soon…Willow better watch out, she's going to be down 2 and have to really make it up to cash in on the abstinence-slut-reality show sweet, sweet cash. Of course, this couldn't end any other way…look at them, sleazy, greasy bag of shit and the guy looks pretty sleazy his damn self.
Trial baby name: Von Trapp Palin-Paoletti
"I used to fuck her long before she became a virgin…"
Alaska is a sausage fest.
Bristol can conduct her private life in whatever manner that she desires, however she cannot expect to have any credibility when advocating a chaste lifestyle to others. Just another social conservative redefining reality to support their own indefensible point of view.
…and I need to know about this becuz?
Ha ha ha, Wasilla. Mercede Johnston's ex? What they say about Alaska men: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
This sounds suspiciously like the practice of "temporary marriage". You know who else practices "temporary marriage"? (No, I don't mean 50% of the US)
I actually did move to Alaska because of Northern Exposure. Stupid tv.
yeah right, she's a slut, since she was a teenager.
Did Bristol eat Ashley Judd?
retroactive virginity- she learned from the best…
Will he be taking his pants off for a Playgirl photo-shoot?
previously enjoyed cow. The milk's free.
Ah, thanks. I wondered why I kept smelling bacon.
You're not the first pooch who got distracted by that smell.
It's a manly musk, thank you very much.
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