NORTHERN EXPOSURE  2:50 pm April 5, 2012

‘Born-Again-Virgin’ Bristol Palin To Shack Up With Cool Boyfriend, Renames It ‘Trial Marriage’

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

ick nastIt must be hard to be Bristol Palin. First you barely escape your shotgun wedding to cool-guy sperm-trust Levi Johnston. Then you are forced to keep constantly being on terrible “reality television” programs. Then you must start a ghostwritten blog to yell at President Obama for not standing up for you against mean comedians, even though when you were first knocked up he called clearly for people to respect you and compared you to his own teenage mama. And then to keep all the abstinence-speech money flowing you have to shack up with your fat skeezy greasy boyfriend and call it, in reframing language that must have come straight from Frank Luntz, a “trial marriage.” That, plus the ladies on The View — even the super braintrusty ones! — think you are an idiot and a liar. (But don’t worry, they are mostly Jews and blahs.)

The ladies on The View should have had Levi Johnston’s sister Mercede on to talk about this, since Bristol Palin’s terrible greasy boyfriend, Gino Paoletti, is Mercede’s ex. Ugh Wasilla. Remember when you were a young hot-to-trot lady and watched Northern Exposure and thought “I could move to Alaska and be the pretty girl with the mole and there would be tons of cute blue-collar dudes, plus John Corbett, and the Jewy one”? Yeah, Alaska is really just Levi and Gino, plus 350,000 more of them. [Via Mediaite]

 

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{ 181 comments }

nounverb911 April 5, 2012 at 2:52 pm

When's the baby due?

Chill-A-Sketch April 5, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Willow's or Bristol's?

Groupshrug April 5, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Trial marriage leads to a 18 year subscription to monthly child support payments.

She's an entrepreneur.

actor212 April 5, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Wait. Isn't that like getting welfare?

horsedreamer_1 April 5, 2012 at 5:29 pm

A K. West, Esq., advises M. Paoletti to obtain results of genetic testing to ensure any court order is due.

Biff April 5, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Good point. He might actually be related to Brisket, as inbred as Alaska seems to be.

UW8316154 April 5, 2012 at 3:52 pm

around 6 and a half months from now sounds about right.

tessiee April 5, 2012 at 5:58 pm

About six months after the first vehement denial that it's on the way.

tessiee April 5, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Nine months and fifteen minutes after they met.

Chichikovovich April 5, 2012 at 2:54 pm

“trial marriage.”

Because it's the sort of marriage that typically ends in a trial.

anniegetyerfun April 5, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Judge Judy libel!

LesBontemps April 5, 2012 at 3:14 pm

They all do, in one way or another.

OneDollarJuana April 5, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Whereas their first time was a "trail" marriage.

Boojum April 5, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Appalachian or Tears?

horsedreamer_1 April 5, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Treasure.

rickmaci April 5, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Trial in which the main evidence involves tapes of 911 calls.

Biff April 5, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Usually leads to trial babby, also.

MrFizzy April 5, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Hope she re-virginized her rectum too – that's where most of Levi's issue ended up.

Chichikovovich April 5, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Rectum? She nearly killed 'em.

[Brought to you by the Canadian Traditional Joke Commission/Plaisanteries à L'ancienne Canada]

BornInATrailer April 5, 2012 at 4:21 pm

She did actually but it turns out that is just what she calls anal bleaching.

tcaalaw April 8, 2012 at 5:52 pm

She presumably had all of her holes re-virginized at once on a volume discount basis.

OzoneTom April 5, 2012 at 2:54 pm

The girl with the mole is a wingnut so at least that part was realistic.

widestanceromance April 5, 2012 at 3:01 pm

There was always a very conty air about her, so it was not too surprising.

succalina April 5, 2012 at 5:43 pm

So is John Corbett. Totes realistic.

TakomaDC September 29, 2012 at 11:59 am

Janine Turner is a far right conservative and has gone back to her natural Kolobian-platinum. Her raven-haired daughter was conceived out-of-holy-wedlock (not that I give a sh*t but it's always struck me as bizarre that these uber-wing-nuts manage to get pregnant without being, or even marrying the father). "Constituting America" (like it's orange juice) is the name of Turner's political organization. Her website is (like most things GOP) unintentionally humorous. I love the blurbs from Palin, Wallace and other fellow GOP f+cktards. Oh and apparently her daughter (bastard child of Texas) has written a book, Our Constitution Rocks! (from Zondervan publishing of Warren's The Purpose Driven LIfe).

nounverb911 April 5, 2012 at 2:54 pm

"Trial marriage"? Saves the expense of a real divorce.

Tengu April 5, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Next up, Trial Herpes.

OneYieldRegular April 5, 2012 at 3:56 pm

I was just thinking that given the apparent incestuousness of Wasilla, perhaps a quarantine should be imposed?

Negropolis April 6, 2012 at 1:35 am

Alas, herpes is forever. You break it, you buy it.

DetectiveGrey April 5, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Many birds, like pelicans, use their gular pouches while hunting to store fish.

Or, in Bristol's case, wine coolers.

actor212 April 5, 2012 at 3:07 pm

In fairness, wine coolers are a kind of store fish

Crank_Tango April 5, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Now if you want John Corbett, you just have to go to Applebees, or wherever the fuck it is he is shilling for these days.

el_donaldo April 5, 2012 at 2:59 pm

United States of Tara. I've seen a few episodes – it's not bad.

CogitoErgoBibo April 5, 2012 at 3:10 pm

And he has a band. Of course. My parents have seen him in concert. Twice. Pretty much tells me everything I need to know about that particular venture.

seppdecker April 5, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Does he play with Steve from Blue's Clues?

NorthStarSpanx April 7, 2012 at 12:35 pm

I'll take John Corbett over Janine Turner.
http://www.towleroad.com/2011/01/turner.html

Goonemeritus April 5, 2012 at 2:56 pm

This may make it harder to keep her abstinence pledge.

actor212 April 5, 2012 at 3:07 pm

She's lived with a guy before. She knows how to go without.

LettucePrey April 5, 2012 at 2:56 pm

"Born-again virginity"? That ship has sailed, freaks.

el_donaldo April 5, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Does Mercede still have her blog? Cuz things must be heatin' up over there now. Wasilla hillbilly shitstorm coming up.

poorgradstudent April 5, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Nah, even the Wasilla hillbilly knows that learning how to be so hypocritical you transcend hypocrisy is the most important lesson for a young conservative to learn.

Blueb4sunrise April 5, 2012 at 2:57 pm

deadthreaded, but it's AZ.

Teen Girl Exorcism Squad: Three Arizona Girls Claim to Cast Out Demons
[via Atrios]
http://abcnews.go.com/US/teen-girl-exorcism-squad

CZL April 5, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Christian LARPers are so funny.

CapeClod April 5, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Living with one of the Palins would definately be a trial.

Jus_Wonderin April 5, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Or, a sentence.

CapeClod April 5, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Is her "starter-baby" going to live with them?

karen503 April 6, 2012 at 7:51 pm

..or the mysterious post-DWTS infant the Massey Brothers were changing diapers for last winter while Bristol was having a "trial threesome" with them?

(for what I presume was the prequel failed "reality" show)

Hera Sent Me April 5, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I recall that queen Elizabeth refused consent to her sister Margaret to marry a man because he'd been divorced. So Margaret became an adulterous, dissolute sponsor of various gigolos and then died a wretched death. Meanwhile, three out of four of Elizabeth's children got divorced.

I suspect something similar will happen in this case, but with less class.

actor212 April 5, 2012 at 3:08 pm

My suspicion is Sarah Lou is pissed Bristol beat her to the break up.

Guppy April 5, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Considering what happened with her uncle, I'd be skittish about divorcees if I were her, too.

snoopyfan2010 April 5, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Considering that it was her ancestor who created his own church to allow for divorce without the church's permission, I wouldn't be so self righteous.

horsedreamer_1 April 5, 2012 at 5:31 pm

I was thinking it was a reference to Trooper Wooten, not Edward VII.

poorgradstudent April 5, 2012 at 7:58 pm

That's a good point. I can't wait to see the Palins enter Julio-Claudian territory. Maybe we can get "I, Tripp"…

Extemporanus April 5, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Trial Marriage isn't bad, but what if it's a girl?

Chichikovovich April 5, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Then they'll name her "Preliminary Inquiry".

Edit: Or if she's born while they are hopping over to the Yukon for socialized health care, they may choose a name with a sophisticated Canadian flavo(u)r, like "Crown Prosecutor" or "Common Bawdy House".

actor212 April 5, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Or Dead Rabbit

Extemporanus April 5, 2012 at 3:35 pm

"Hi, it's Fatal Attraction Palin. I've left you, like, a gazillion messages. Why won't you call me back? Why?! Whyyy?! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!!

I'm coming over…"

Extemporanus April 5, 2012 at 3:25 pm

O/T Chichi: Thank you for your chalk dust-choked, delightfully dry dissection of the Black Knight's recent blog post. I was literally rolling on the floor laughing, because I have no arms or legs.

(One minor note: Your otherwise thorougly thorough analysis omitted mention of the brilliantly subtle inclusion of autocorrect. Draw your sword!)

Chichikovovich April 5, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Damn! Well, I'll just have to add a list of errata to the second printing.—

Extemporanus April 5, 2012 at 3:29 pm

I just assumed that after Track, Tripp, and Trlg, Trial seemed like a fairly logical next step in describing this unfortunate chain of events.

Chichikovovich April 5, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Ah, I see. Didn't catch the pattern. Good one. In that case the girl would be “Tubes”. People would probably nickname her “Fallopie”.—

Boojum April 5, 2012 at 4:04 pm

And, when she's older (14 or so), they will all want to take her to the lake.

Veritas78 April 5, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Sadly, Trojan never gets included.

tessiee April 5, 2012 at 11:30 pm

Thank god there aren't any Jooze in Wasilla, or the next babby would be named Trayfe.

ThankYouJeebus April 5, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Wasn't there a grampa married to a teenager, too? Since Sarah is moving to NY to be in the lamestream, Todd has his eye out for new specimens.

BarackMyWorld April 5, 2012 at 3:01 pm

When it comes to penises, DON'T RETREAT…RELOAD (into your vagina)!

ManchuCandidate April 5, 2012 at 3:04 pm

It's the family crest, no?

SorosBot April 5, 2012 at 3:01 pm

So was Tripper or whatever a trial baby?

north_of_moscow April 5, 2012 at 3:03 pm

"Trial marriage," because "Test Drive" didn't do well in the focus groups.

Jus_Wonderin April 5, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Oh, the I shouldn't say "used" refering to Bristol. Is "preowned" better?

chascates April 5, 2012 at 3:04 pm

New reality show: Ice Road Fuckers!

Schmannnity April 5, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Deadliest (venereal disease) Catch

north_of_moscow April 5, 2012 at 3:08 pm

The Dirtiest Job

NellCote71 April 5, 2012 at 3:57 pm

The Biggest Loser(s).

Baconzgood April 5, 2012 at 3:05 pm

That's not my baby's daddy.

Chill-A-Sketch April 5, 2012 at 3:05 pm

And why not? After all, that Trial Governorship worked wonders for Sarah…

actor212 April 5, 2012 at 3:05 pm

What do they call it when you live at home, get knocked up, get engaged to the father, break off the engagement after living with him, have the baby, reclaim your virginity with a virginity world tour, and then shack up with the father of your fetus?

Let's ask Rush!

StarsUponThars April 5, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Trial marriage, you know, like the gays do, because discrimination.

tessiee April 5, 2012 at 11:31 pm

I love me some Bat Boy.
That is all.

ManchuCandidate April 5, 2012 at 3:05 pm

So what is sex called between them?

Spring Training?

Baconzgood April 5, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Taking pot-shots at Bristol is like having a slam dunk competition with one of those plastic kiddie basketball hoops.

Jus_Wonderin April 5, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Bacon, somehow I fumbled around and made your banner green. It is distracting. What did I do?

Baconzgood April 5, 2012 at 4:00 pm

You must go to the nearest Taco Bell demand a McRib sandwich and to see the manager. Her name is Deb. Wink 2 times with your left eye. She will give you a promotional mug for the movie Teen Wolf Too and a slightly bent 9 penny nail. Take these items across the street to the tire store. Ask to use the bathroom. Place the nail on top of the 3rd urinal from the door and fill up the mug with water and break all lights/mirrors in the bathroom before leaving. Take the full glass of water and go to the mall, carefull not to spill it. Enter the Merry-Go-Round and there will be a man named Sven in a green shirt. Upon seeing you Sven will produce a forged pass port, which you will put in your back right pocket and half of 50 english pound note. Carefull not to spill the water, go quickly but not in a manner that will attract attention to the food court and place the english pound note in the water….further instruction will appear.

actor212 April 5, 2012 at 4:02 pm

It's true! In fact, I had something in my eye and she took me around back then took me around back.

Baconzgood April 5, 2012 at 4:29 pm

You were followed. The mission has been compromised. Do you have any idea how many people you have hung out to dry? DO YOU?!? The apparatus that you've so carelessly destroyed will take years to rebuild…if even at all.

Jus_Wonderin April 5, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Ok. Printing this out though. I don't want to get to the bathroom and have a fill faux pas.

BlueStateLibel April 5, 2012 at 3:07 pm

"Trial Marriages": first popularized by King Henry VIII of course.

Jerri April 5, 2012 at 3:08 pm

I'm Trial Divorced!

actor212 April 5, 2012 at 3:11 pm

All divorces are trials.

Jerri April 5, 2012 at 3:14 pm

It was, despite not being a legal separation, pretty damn horrible. But, this not being with that dude/Trial Divorce/actual marriage to good guy thing is working out well, so yay.

DaRooster April 5, 2012 at 3:08 pm

So will there be a tent set up along this "trail"?

Oh… trial… never mind.

actor212 April 5, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Camera traps, too.

DaRooster April 5, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Salt licks?

actor212 April 5, 2012 at 4:03 pm

How do you think she got this way? Also, tequila, too.

tessiee April 5, 2012 at 11:33 pm

It's "trial", not "trail" — and yet, somehow, I feel certain that there *will* be a tent, and it *will* have within it wine coolers.

Serolf_Divad April 5, 2012 at 3:09 pm

True story:

Waaay back in the day Bertrand Russell (he of my avatar, BTW) came to give a speech at my grandmother's college. She told me that all her friends were gleeful and wonderfully excited to hear him speak, since he'd been making waves by speaking out in favor of and promoting such radical and socially progressive ideas as trial marriages and the like. Alas, my grandmother reported, her friends were soon disappointed when it became apparent that he intended to spend the whole lecture speaking of mathematical philosophy.

Chichikovovich April 5, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Ramified Type Theory? Axiom of Reducibility??

Damn! I wish I had been there.

So Russell wrote other stuff besides Principia Mathematica, eh? Who'd have guessed?

littlebigdaddy April 5, 2012 at 3:55 pm

He was a big promoter of nudism. Maybe they were expecting him to deliver the lecture nude.

GuyClinch April 5, 2012 at 3:10 pm

"Trial Marriage"

This explains why they registered for paper plates and plastic utensils at the Dollar Tree. Or would they do that anyhow?

clblabin April 7, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Every marriage to a Palin is a trial.

Chill-A-Sketch April 5, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Isn't Gino Paoletti the guy who knocked up Snooki?

actor212 April 5, 2012 at 3:14 pm

I thought he produced Cinemax After Dark?

actor212 April 5, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Isn't there something…incestuous about fucking the ex-boyfriend of your ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend?

Yea, I know, sister, but COME ON! This is Alaska, they do something over those nine month winters indoors…

Boojum April 5, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Nedz moar flow charts.

doloras April 5, 2012 at 7:00 pm

You think that's bad? Imagine if you're gay and two of your exes start dating each other. That's weird-city.

SayItWithWookies April 5, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Bristol's virginity must be like those gag candles that relight themselves after you blow them out.

Boojum April 5, 2012 at 4:10 pm

In Alaska, they call them "penises".

tessiee April 5, 2012 at 6:07 pm

No, if she hadn't gagged on those, she wouldn't have little you know who.

Jerri April 5, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Hahahaha, look at that li'l fella! He looks like what would happen if a thumb had a baby with Jim Carrey.

Giveusabob April 5, 2012 at 3:14 pm

A bag of adderall and a healthy sense of enthusiasm could let one peruse all the sacraments, in trial form, in just one brisk week. Kinda like blazing thru a row of different colored vodka shots.

Indeed, I wouldn't mind going dada and do 'em out of order. Pennace, Anointing the Sick, and THEN Baptism!

north_of_moscow April 5, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Read the fine print, Bristol! You sign up for a trial marriage, they end up sending you another one every month and bill your credit card!

Jus_Wonderin April 5, 2012 at 3:17 pm

One day, she will have to get a real job, right? Isn't that the way the world works?? Maybe I should have raised a slutty girl, she'd maybe make more than her current professional job that she got after college (Magna Cum Laude!)

elviouslyqueer April 5, 2012 at 3:24 pm

One day, she will have to get a real job, right?

If by "real job" you mean "Head Cashier at the Wasilla Kum-n-Go," then yes.

Jus_Wonderin April 5, 2012 at 3:29 pm

I was certain her future was at the "Curl Up & Dye".

Biff April 5, 2012 at 6:18 pm

I think that is Whippet's dream, Brisket was just gonna manage it.

widestanceromance April 5, 2012 at 3:29 pm

MONEY SHOT LIBEL!

CogitoErgoBibo April 5, 2012 at 3:17 pm

This reminds me of something a friend of mine told me about the rather pseudo-incestuous quality of life in the small town where she lives. You don't so much date people as take your turn; but the gossip is epic.

GeneralLerong April 5, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Hood River, Oregon?

MegPasadena April 5, 2012 at 3:17 pm

She can do whatever she wants. But why does it always have to be in the form of a reality show? I guess her life must suck ass so she has to be paid to live it.

meatlofer April 5, 2012 at 3:18 pm

She really is a beautiful young lady! ……..Fuck me!

widestanceromance April 5, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Preserving the sanctity of traditional trial marriage.

It's all they can do to keep me from just cold pushing the button on marriage forever (little known is that we gays already have the Marriage Doomsday Codes, but are drawing it out because we are enjoying the attention).

prommie April 5, 2012 at 3:30 pm

This is a post worthy of notice.

Chet Kincaid April 5, 2012 at 3:20 pm

This all goes back to the National Enquirer, the primary and only source, which I found out in 3 minutes. Worth mentioning in the post.

Barb April 5, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Chet, I wanted to point out that I didn't comment on this post, lol. I started to and I thought to myself, "I want Chet to be proud of me." I went downstairs and I cleaned up the kitchen, took out the trash and snickered at the thought of wondering if you'd notice.

Chet Kincaid April 6, 2012 at 11:39 am

Haha, remarkable restraint, Ms. Barb! I only mentioned that it comes from the Enquirer because the chances are good that Brisket will just come out and deny it. But let's blast her with both barrels if she cops to it!

Negropolis April 6, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Seems the National Enquirer does better sourcing than some of the "real" papers, these days.

Terry April 5, 2012 at 3:22 pm

"The ladies on The View should have had Levi Johnston’s sister Mercede on to talk about this, since Bristol Palin’s terrible greasy boyfriend, Gino Paoletti, is Mercede’s ex. "

Wasilla isn't actually that small of a town. These rejects don't have to keep dating each other. Then again, maybe anyone in that town with a brain may be staying far away and the rejects are limited to only dating only from amongst themselves.

Hoisted_Peatard April 6, 2012 at 1:48 am

Nah, this is a perfect storm of stupid so rare it cannot breed outside of the confines of itself. Think of them as a blob of rejected genetic goo…any other creature that happens nearby would be instantly consumed and added to the collective…or maybe I'm mixing metaphors between Wasilla meth-tards and Rush Limbaughs rumpled fat ass?

owhatever April 5, 2012 at 3:24 pm

I am throwing out my Direct TV and moving to Wasilla, where a 24-hour reality show is as close as your front window, and Russia is pretty close, too.

Texan_Bulldog April 5, 2012 at 3:26 pm

I'm not going to call Bristol a slut because I'm pretty sure she's not using birth control.

EloquentScience April 9, 2012 at 8:57 am

How do you know?

prommie April 5, 2012 at 3:29 pm

A shacked-up abstinence advocate! There are wonders in the earth, in these days. Maybe the Mayan Prophecy is true, after all.

NellCote71 April 5, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Bristol: Abstinence advocate
Newt: Sanctity of marriage advocate

prommie April 5, 2012 at 3:35 pm

The jewy one quit to become a star, hasn't been seen since. But I think the DJ still does voiceovers. And, fellow Wonketteers, I, your low-self-esteem having midlife-crisising pervy Prommie, I only refer to men and women as Dudes and Chicks, in deliberate imitation of Hollis's young babe wife.

prommie April 5, 2012 at 4:08 pm

OMG, that chick, Hollis' wife, she is probably old now, wrinkled and saggy. Sob. I am old, how did I get so fucking old? I should have been a pair of ragged claws . . . .

ThundercatHo April 5, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Take it easy Hon. It'll be ok. There's plenty of olds here and if you still can read and type then life is still worth living. Go have a nice (mood stabilizer/uplifter of choice) a little nap. But yeah, what did ever happen to all those nice NE folks? The DJ guy was in My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding and the astronaut was in Lonesome Dove and I think the pilot/hottie did a eyeball dryness commercial. What did they do to all get blackballed?

Biff April 5, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Janine Turner (pilot hottie) went full wingnut and deserved to be blackballed. Think Victoria Jackson crazy, but smarter. Cynthia Geary got married during the run of the program, has 2 kids and still married to her husband. Joel, the doc, did some cop-ish show, Numb3rs, up until not that long ago. It appears the crazy ones in NE turned out crazy in real life, too.

Sassomatic April 5, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I believe in the Old Testement, where marriage was invented and defined forever, a "trial marriage" is a forty-day period of time in which a man decides if he likes his bride, and if not he can drown her in river.

barto April 5, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Mebbe they'll have a trial three-way with Mercy. That's Wasilla!

Boojum April 5, 2012 at 4:14 pm

You know, if it could include ear plugs, I might sign up for that.

pdiddycornchips April 5, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Prediction: Bristol sex tape by 2013. Snowbillies gotta eat too.

littlebigdaddy April 5, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Gino Paoletti? What, he's from Passaic, Alaska?

tessiee April 5, 2012 at 11:36 pm

Do you got a problem wit dat?

Negropolis April 6, 2012 at 1:52 am

Yeah, so what, wise guy. Wanna fight about it?

Guppy April 5, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

It's God's will that Bristol be with Levi. Anything else is adultery. The Bible said it, I believe it, that settles it.

BornInATrailer April 5, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Gino looks like Peter Krause and Jake Gyllenhaal had a kid.

tessiee April 5, 2012 at 6:13 pm

I don't know who Peter Krause is, but Jerri on page 1 would like a word with you.

OldRedneck April 5, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Ya' know, from time to time I read about something that is so blazingly stupid, so unendingly ignorant that all I can do is bang my head into the desk over and over and over.

This is one of those times.

Antispandex April 5, 2012 at 4:48 pm

The lesson is clear. You can be a total slut, as long as you are a conservative slut. So, ladies, put on your "Newt for President" campaign button and get out there and screw everything that moves! (or, you know, that isn't gay, because that would just be wrong).

tessiee April 5, 2012 at 6:11 pm

"So, ladies, put on your "Newt for President" campaign button and get out there and screw everything that moves!"

WAAAAAY ahead of y–…
Oh.
"Newt for President" campaign button, you say?

mavenmaven April 5, 2012 at 4:53 pm

I don't know if its a trial marriage, or a test marriage, perhaps its just a… drill? DRILL BABY DRILL!

ThundercatHo April 5, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Blondie, you need to STFU since you have nothing intelligent to add and you're so very annoying.

docterry6973 April 5, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Being a Palin must be a form of dementia. How else can you explain their oceans of smarmy hypocrisy containing not one drop of shame or self-awareness?

Oh, and Rush? If Sandra Fluke was a slut for advocating that other women have access to birth control for health reasons, just what does that make Bristol Palin?

LiveToServeYa April 5, 2012 at 5:25 pm

The Palin brand could be seriously damaged by this…Kiddin'.

JimNauseam April 5, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Is this what they mean by "working on the North Slope?"

horsedreamer_1 April 5, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Bristol wants eight grooms, one for each day of the week.

tessiee April 5, 2012 at 5:56 pm

"Bristol Palin’s terrible greasy boyfriend, Gino Paoletti"

I have to wonder a) how an Italian boy found himself in Alaska in the first place and b) now that he's there, how is he going to manage the requisite amount of tanning?

Biff April 5, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Easy–Grandma Grizzly bought a tanning bed. No, really!

tessiee April 5, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Bristol had better hurry up; Levi has already impregnated his new girlfriend:
http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/2012/04/levi-jo

Hilarious "spoiler": He says she's "so good with kids". I sure hope so.

tessiee April 5, 2012 at 6:16 pm

The Park Services folks are right: We really need to stop giving the Palins money and attention if they are to survive and thrive. If we keep feeding their insatiable hunger for money and attention, they become dependent and unable to function as nature intends.

rocktonsam April 5, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Tripp, Track and Trial.

apparently the star of family, rhymes with Twig can't be mentioned

moseyon April 5, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Abstinence advocate : Try before you buy.
Trial marriage: Try before you buy.
What a star, what a roll model.
Bristol, you are a stupid bitch and only stupid bitches and dysfunctional men will watch this
circus.

C_R_Eature April 5, 2012 at 8:46 pm

I'd like for the entire Palin Clan to have a Trial Shutting Up period.
Several years should do it.

Wile E. Quixote April 6, 2012 at 1:33 am

And somewhere Newt Gingrich is thinking "Trial marriage? Shit! That's what I should have told my first two wives, maybe there's still time to try it out on Callista."

Hoisted_Peatard April 6, 2012 at 1:46 am

Man, given Bristol's passion for breeding the newest Palin (Tremor? for the effect the genetic damage of this "union" will have on mama's lil' door stop) will be forthcoming soon…Willow better watch out, she's going to be down 2 and have to really make it up to cash in on the abstinence-slut-reality show sweet, sweet cash. Of course, this couldn't end any other way…look at them, sleazy, greasy bag of shit and the guy looks pretty sleazy his damn self.

Negropolis April 6, 2012 at 1:54 am

Trial baby name: Von Trapp Palin-Paoletti

DahBoner April 6, 2012 at 7:47 am

"I used to fuck her long before she became a virgin…"

CessnaDriver April 6, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Alaska is a sausage fest.

labman57 April 6, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Bristol can conduct her private life in whatever manner that she desires, however she cannot expect to have any credibility when advocating a chaste lifestyle to others. Just another social conservative redefining reality to support their own indefensible point of view.

ttommyunger April 6, 2012 at 9:45 pm

…and I need to know about this becuz?

coron4 April 7, 2012 at 1:27 am

Ha ha ha, Wasilla. Mercede Johnston's ex? What they say about Alaska men: the odds are good but the goods are odd.

MarionNYNY April 10, 2012 at 2:41 pm

This sounds suspiciously like the practice of "temporary marriage". You know who else practices "temporary marriage"? (No, I don't mean 50% of the US)

sirensong April 10, 2012 at 7:03 pm

I actually did move to Alaska because of Northern Exposure. Stupid tv.

eaglewon April 11, 2012 at 1:13 pm

yeah right, she's a slut, since she was a teenager.

CarbonDating April 12, 2012 at 10:33 am

Did Bristol eat Ashley Judd?

zippy_w_pinhead July 17, 2012 at 4:03 pm

retroactive virginity- she learned from the best…

Barrelhse July 17, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Will he be taking his pants off for a Playgirl photo-shoot?

An_Outhouse April 5, 2012 at 3:42 pm

previously enjoyed cow. The milk's free.

Jus_Wonderin April 5, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Ah, thanks. I wondered why I kept smelling bacon.

HistoriCat April 5, 2012 at 4:11 pm

You're not the first pooch who got distracted by that smell.

Baconzgood April 5, 2012 at 4:17 pm

It's a manly musk, thank you very much.

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