northern exposure

‘Born-Again-Virgin’ Bristol Palin To Shack Up With Cool Boyfriend, Renames It ‘Trial Marriage’

ick nastIt must be hard to be Bristol Palin. First you barely escape your shotgun wedding to cool-guy sperm-trust Levi Johnston. Then you are forced to keep constantly being on terrible “reality television” programs. Then you must start a ghostwritten blog to yell at President Obama for not standing up for you against mean comedians, even though when you were first knocked up he called clearly for people to respect you and compared you to his own teenage mama. And then to keep all the abstinence-speech money flowing you have to shack up with your fat skeezy greasy boyfriend and call it, in reframing language that must have come straight from Frank Luntz, a “trial marriage.” That, plus the ladies on The View — even the super braintrusty ones! — think you are an idiot and a liar. (But don’t worry, they are mostly Jews and blahs.)

The ladies on The View should have had Levi Johnston’s sister Mercede on to talk about this, since Bristol Palin’s terrible greasy boyfriend, Gino Paoletti, is Mercede’s ex. Ugh Wasilla. Remember when you were a young hot-to-trot lady and watched Northern Exposure and thought “I could move to Alaska and be the pretty girl with the mole and there would be tons of cute blue-collar dudes, plus John Corbett, and the Jewy one”? Yeah, Alaska is really just Levi and Gino, plus 350,000 more of them. [Via Mediaite]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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181 comments

    1. Groupshrug

      Trial marriage leads to a 18 year subscription to monthly child support payments.

      She's an entrepreneur.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        A K. West, Esq., advises M. Paoletti to obtain results of genetic testing to ensure any court order is due.

  1. Chichikovovich

    “trial marriage.”

    Because it's the sort of marriage that typically ends in a trial.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Rectum? She nearly killed 'em.

      [Brought to you by the Canadian Traditional Joke Commission/Plaisanteries à L'ancienne Canada]

    1. TakomaDC

      Janine Turner is a far right conservative and has gone back to her natural Kolobian-platinum. Her raven-haired daughter was conceived out-of-holy-wedlock (not that I give a sh*t but it's always struck me as bizarre that these uber-wing-nuts manage to get pregnant without being, or even marrying the father). "Constituting America" (like it's orange juice) is the name of Turner's political organization. Her website is (like most things GOP) unintentionally humorous. I love the blurbs from Palin, Wallace and other fellow GOP f+cktards. Oh and apparently her daughter (bastard child of Texas) has written a book, Our Constitution Rocks! (from Zondervan publishing of Warren's The Purpose Driven LIfe).

    1. OneYieldRegular

      I was just thinking that given the apparent incestuousness of Wasilla, perhaps a quarantine should be imposed?

  2. DetectiveGrey

    Many birds, like pelicans, use their gular pouches while hunting to store fish.

    Or, in Bristol's case, wine coolers.

  3. Crank_Tango

    Now if you want John Corbett, you just have to go to Applebees, or wherever the fuck it is he is shilling for these days.

    1. CogitoErgoBibo

      And he has a band. Of course. My parents have seen him in concert. Twice. Pretty much tells me everything I need to know about that particular venture.

  4. el_donaldo

    Does Mercede still have her blog? Cuz things must be heatin' up over there now. Wasilla hillbilly shitstorm coming up.

    1. poorgradstudent

      Nah, even the Wasilla hillbilly knows that learning how to be so hypocritical you transcend hypocrisy is the most important lesson for a young conservative to learn.

    1. karen503

      ..or the mysterious post-DWTS infant the Massey Brothers were changing diapers for last winter while Bristol was having a "trial threesome" with them?

      (for what I presume was the prequel failed "reality" show)

  5. Hera Sent Me

    I recall that queen Elizabeth refused consent to her sister Margaret to marry a man because he'd been divorced. So Margaret became an adulterous, dissolute sponsor of various gigolos and then died a wretched death. Meanwhile, three out of four of Elizabeth's children got divorced.

    I suspect something similar will happen in this case, but with less class.

    1. Guppy

      Considering what happened with her uncle, I'd be skittish about divorcees if I were her, too.

      1. snoopyfan2010

        Considering that it was her ancestor who created his own church to allow for divorce without the church's permission, I wouldn't be so self righteous.

    2. poorgradstudent

      That's a good point. I can't wait to see the Palins enter Julio-Claudian territory. Maybe we can get "I, Tripp"…

    1. Chichikovovich

      Then they'll name her "Preliminary Inquiry".

      Edit: Or if she's born while they are hopping over to the Yukon for socialized health care, they may choose a name with a sophisticated Canadian flavo(u)r, like "Crown Prosecutor" or "Common Bawdy House".

        1. Extemporanus

          "Hi, it's Fatal Attraction Palin. I've left you, like, a gazillion messages. Why won't you call me back? Why?! Whyyy?! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!!

          I'm coming over…"

      1. Extemporanus

        O/T Chichi: Thank you for your chalk dust-choked, delightfully dry dissection of the Black Knight's recent blog post. I was literally rolling on the floor laughing, because I have no arms or legs.

        (One minor note: Your otherwise thorougly thorough analysis omitted mention of the brilliantly subtle inclusion of autocorrect. Draw your sword!)

      2. Extemporanus

        I just assumed that after Track, Tripp, and Trlg, Trial seemed like a fairly logical next step in describing this unfortunate chain of events.

        1. Chichikovovich

          Ah, I see. Didn't catch the pattern. Good one. In that case the girl would be “Tubes”. People would probably nickname her “Fallopie”.—

  6. ThankYouJeebus

    Wasn't there a grampa married to a teenager, too? Since Sarah is moving to NY to be in the lamestream, Todd has his eye out for new specimens.

  7. actor212

    What do they call it when you live at home, get knocked up, get engaged to the father, break off the engagement after living with him, have the baby, reclaim your virginity with a virginity world tour, and then shack up with the father of your fetus?

    Let's ask Rush!

  8. Baconzgood

    Taking pot-shots at Bristol is like having a slam dunk competition with one of those plastic kiddie basketball hoops.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      Bacon, somehow I fumbled around and made your banner green. It is distracting. What did I do?

      1. Baconzgood

        You must go to the nearest Taco Bell demand a McRib sandwich and to see the manager. Her name is Deb. Wink 2 times with your left eye. She will give you a promotional mug for the movie Teen Wolf Too and a slightly bent 9 penny nail. Take these items across the street to the tire store. Ask to use the bathroom. Place the nail on top of the 3rd urinal from the door and fill up the mug with water and break all lights/mirrors in the bathroom before leaving. Take the full glass of water and go to the mall, carefull not to spill it. Enter the Merry-Go-Round and there will be a man named Sven in a green shirt. Upon seeing you Sven will produce a forged pass port, which you will put in your back right pocket and half of 50 english pound note. Carefull not to spill the water, go quickly but not in a manner that will attract attention to the food court and place the english pound note in the water….further instruction will appear.

          1. Baconzgood

            You were followed. The mission has been compromised. Do you have any idea how many people you have hung out to dry? DO YOU?!? The apparatus that you've so carelessly destroyed will take years to rebuild…if even at all.

        1. Jus_Wonderin

          Ok. Printing this out though. I don't want to get to the bathroom and have a fill faux pas.

      1. Jerri

        It was, despite not being a legal separation, pretty damn horrible. But, this not being with that dude/Trial Divorce/actual marriage to good guy thing is working out well, so yay.

    1. tessiee

      It's "trial", not "trail" — and yet, somehow, I feel certain that there *will* be a tent, and it *will* have within it wine coolers.

  9. Serolf_Divad

    True story:

    Waaay back in the day Bertrand Russell (he of my avatar, BTW) came to give a speech at my grandmother's college. She told me that all her friends were gleeful and wonderfully excited to hear him speak, since he'd been making waves by speaking out in favor of and promoting such radical and socially progressive ideas as trial marriages and the like. Alas, my grandmother reported, her friends were soon disappointed when it became apparent that he intended to spend the whole lecture speaking of mathematical philosophy.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Ramified Type Theory? Axiom of Reducibility??

      Damn! I wish I had been there.

      So Russell wrote other stuff besides Principia Mathematica, eh? Who'd have guessed?

    2. littlebigdaddy

      He was a big promoter of nudism. Maybe they were expecting him to deliver the lecture nude.

  10. GuyClinch

    "Trial Marriage"

    This explains why they registered for paper plates and plastic utensils at the Dollar Tree. Or would they do that anyhow?

  11. actor212

    Isn't there something…incestuous about fucking the ex-boyfriend of your ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend?

    Yea, I know, sister, but COME ON! This is Alaska, they do something over those nine month winters indoors…

    1. doloras

      You think that's bad? Imagine if you're gay and two of your exes start dating each other. That's weird-city.

  12. SayItWithWookies

    Bristol's virginity must be like those gag candles that relight themselves after you blow them out.

  13. Jerri

    Hahahaha, look at that li'l fella! He looks like what would happen if a thumb had a baby with Jim Carrey.

  14. Giveusabob

    A bag of adderall and a healthy sense of enthusiasm could let one peruse all the sacraments, in trial form, in just one brisk week. Kinda like blazing thru a row of different colored vodka shots.

    Indeed, I wouldn't mind going dada and do 'em out of order. Pennace, Anointing the Sick, and THEN Baptism!

  15. north_of_moscow

    Read the fine print, Bristol! You sign up for a trial marriage, they end up sending you another one every month and bill your credit card!

  16. Jus_Wonderin

    One day, she will have to get a real job, right? Isn't that the way the world works?? Maybe I should have raised a slutty girl, she'd maybe make more than her current professional job that she got after college (Magna Cum Laude!)

    1. elviouslyqueer

      One day, she will have to get a real job, right?

      If by "real job" you mean "Head Cashier at the Wasilla Kum-n-Go," then yes.

  17. CogitoErgoBibo

    This reminds me of something a friend of mine told me about the rather pseudo-incestuous quality of life in the small town where she lives. You don't so much date people as take your turn; but the gossip is epic.

  18. MegPasadena

    She can do whatever she wants. But why does it always have to be in the form of a reality show? I guess her life must suck ass so she has to be paid to live it.

  19. widestanceromance

    Preserving the sanctity of traditional trial marriage.

    It's all they can do to keep me from just cold pushing the button on marriage forever (little known is that we gays already have the Marriage Doomsday Codes, but are drawing it out because we are enjoying the attention).

    1. Barb

      Chet, I wanted to point out that I didn't comment on this post, lol. I started to and I thought to myself, "I want Chet to be proud of me." I went downstairs and I cleaned up the kitchen, took out the trash and snickered at the thought of wondering if you'd notice.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        Haha, remarkable restraint, Ms. Barb! I only mentioned that it comes from the Enquirer because the chances are good that Brisket will just come out and deny it. But let's blast her with both barrels if she cops to it!

    2. Negropolis

      Seems the National Enquirer does better sourcing than some of the "real" papers, these days.

  20. Terry

    "The ladies on The View should have had Levi Johnston’s sister Mercede on to talk about this, since Bristol Palin’s terrible greasy boyfriend, Gino Paoletti, is Mercede’s ex. "

    Wasilla isn't actually that small of a town. These rejects don't have to keep dating each other. Then again, maybe anyone in that town with a brain may be staying far away and the rejects are limited to only dating only from amongst themselves.

    1. Hoisted_Peatard

      Nah, this is a perfect storm of stupid so rare it cannot breed outside of the confines of itself. Think of them as a blob of rejected genetic goo…any other creature that happens nearby would be instantly consumed and added to the collective…or maybe I'm mixing metaphors between Wasilla meth-tards and Rush Limbaughs rumpled fat ass?

  21. owhatever

    I am throwing out my Direct TV and moving to Wasilla, where a 24-hour reality show is as close as your front window, and Russia is pretty close, too.

  22. Texan_Bulldog

    I'm not going to call Bristol a slut because I'm pretty sure she's not using birth control.

  23. prommie

    A shacked-up abstinence advocate! There are wonders in the earth, in these days. Maybe the Mayan Prophecy is true, after all.

  24. prommie

    The jewy one quit to become a star, hasn't been seen since. But I think the DJ still does voiceovers. And, fellow Wonketteers, I, your low-self-esteem having midlife-crisising pervy Prommie, I only refer to men and women as Dudes and Chicks, in deliberate imitation of Hollis's young babe wife.

    1. prommie

      OMG, that chick, Hollis' wife, she is probably old now, wrinkled and saggy. Sob. I am old, how did I get so fucking old? I should have been a pair of ragged claws . . . .

      1. ThundercatHo

        Take it easy Hon. It'll be ok. There's plenty of olds here and if you still can read and type then life is still worth living. Go have a nice (mood stabilizer/uplifter of choice) a little nap. But yeah, what did ever happen to all those nice NE folks? The DJ guy was in My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding and the astronaut was in Lonesome Dove and I think the pilot/hottie did a eyeball dryness commercial. What did they do to all get blackballed?

        1. Biff

          Janine Turner (pilot hottie) went full wingnut and deserved to be blackballed. Think Victoria Jackson crazy, but smarter. Cynthia Geary got married during the run of the program, has 2 kids and still married to her husband. Joel, the doc, did some cop-ish show, Numb3rs, up until not that long ago. It appears the crazy ones in NE turned out crazy in real life, too.

  25. Sassomatic

    I believe in the Old Testement, where marriage was invented and defined forever, a "trial marriage" is a forty-day period of time in which a man decides if he likes his bride, and if not he can drown her in river.

  26. Guppy

    Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

    It's God's will that Bristol be with Levi. Anything else is adultery. The Bible said it, I believe it, that settles it.

  27. OldRedneck

    Ya' know, from time to time I read about something that is so blazingly stupid, so unendingly ignorant that all I can do is bang my head into the desk over and over and over.

    This is one of those times.

  28. Antispandex

    The lesson is clear. You can be a total slut, as long as you are a conservative slut. So, ladies, put on your "Newt for President" campaign button and get out there and screw everything that moves! (or, you know, that isn't gay, because that would just be wrong).

    1. tessiee

      "So, ladies, put on your "Newt for President" campaign button and get out there and screw everything that moves!"

      WAAAAAY ahead of y–…
      Oh.
      "Newt for President" campaign button, you say?

  29. mavenmaven

    I don't know if its a trial marriage, or a test marriage, perhaps its just a… drill? DRILL BABY DRILL!

  30. ThundercatHo

    Blondie, you need to STFU since you have nothing intelligent to add and you're so very annoying.

  31. docterry6973

    Being a Palin must be a form of dementia. How else can you explain their oceans of smarmy hypocrisy containing not one drop of shame or self-awareness?

    Oh, and Rush? If Sandra Fluke was a slut for advocating that other women have access to birth control for health reasons, just what does that make Bristol Palin?

  32. tessiee

    "Bristol Palin’s terrible greasy boyfriend, Gino Paoletti"

    I have to wonder a) how an Italian boy found himself in Alaska in the first place and b) now that he's there, how is he going to manage the requisite amount of tanning?

  33. tessiee

    The Park Services folks are right: We really need to stop giving the Palins money and attention if they are to survive and thrive. If we keep feeding their insatiable hunger for money and attention, they become dependent and unable to function as nature intends.

  34. rocktonsam

    Tripp, Track and Trial.

    apparently the star of family, rhymes with Twig can't be mentioned

  35. moseyon

    Abstinence advocate : Try before you buy.
    Trial marriage: Try before you buy.
    What a star, what a roll model.
    Bristol, you are a stupid bitch and only stupid bitches and dysfunctional men will watch this
    circus.

  36. C_R_Eature

    I'd like for the entire Palin Clan to have a Trial Shutting Up period.
    Several years should do it.

  37. Wile E. Quixote

    And somewhere Newt Gingrich is thinking "Trial marriage? Shit! That's what I should have told my first two wives, maybe there's still time to try it out on Callista."

  38. Hoisted_Peatard

    Man, given Bristol's passion for breeding the newest Palin (Tremor? for the effect the genetic damage of this "union" will have on mama's lil' door stop) will be forthcoming soon…Willow better watch out, she's going to be down 2 and have to really make it up to cash in on the abstinence-slut-reality show sweet, sweet cash. Of course, this couldn't end any other way…look at them, sleazy, greasy bag of shit and the guy looks pretty sleazy his damn self.

  39. labman57

    Bristol can conduct her private life in whatever manner that she desires, however she cannot expect to have any credibility when advocating a chaste lifestyle to others. Just another social conservative redefining reality to support their own indefensible point of view.

  40. coron4

    Ha ha ha, Wasilla. Mercede Johnston's ex? What they say about Alaska men: the odds are good but the goods are odd.

  41. MarionNYNY

    This sounds suspiciously like the practice of "temporary marriage". You know who else practices "temporary marriage"? (No, I don't mean 50% of the US)

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