ALSO IT IS TERRIBLE  1:05 pm April 5, 2012

A Close Read Of Mitt Romney’s Favorite Terrible Toby Keith Song, Which Is Terrible And Is By Toby Keith

by Merle McMonocole

Quick, deport him!Every country music song today is about a) how America is the strongest, bestest country ever pulled from Baby Jesus’ egg sac and b) how America is doomed for some reason, probably because of the socialist medical programs that keep alive the country’s kabillion Wal-Mart employees — the store where a third of all country albums are purchased. Since that contradictory mix of jingoism/irrational terror is the Republican platform, it’s no surprise that Nashville hits are played at Republican rallies, even those of likable everyman Mitt Romney, who in real life probably listens to the King Family Singers or the feathery rustle of Scrooge McDuck swimming through C-notes.

Anyway, back in February, the Washington Post was scandalized to discover that Romney rallies were closing with the songs of man-mountain Toby Keith, a bellicose fellow whose music is to ’70s country and rock n roll what pink slime is to Angus. Quoth the Post:

The campaign has started using the song “American Ride,” which channels blue-collar unhappiness about immigration, gas prices and political correctness. (“Don’t get busted singin’ Christmas carols.”) It has a sardonic tone that seems out of sync with the genial, G-rated Romney himself.

As does the cursing.

“Daddy works his ass off, paying for the good life,” the speakers boom. Then: “Hot dog! Hot damn!”

“American Ride” is a terrible song, of course, one that whole-hog rips off the riff from “Pictures of Matchstick Men” and then somehow compares America to a totally awesome souped-up car that is somehow being destroyed by im’gints. Its reckless swearing — “ass,” “hot damn,” “hot dog!” — has already singed the ears of some evangelicals, including one sad woman who no-shit complained and then got called “bitch” by the right-wing blogosphere.

Still, the song is in lots of ways perfect for Romney, and not just because it’s made up entirely of bits nicked from songs popular before it, or because of that line about a hardworking daddy working so hard you now have the cash to gad about the country pretending you know how to save it.

Let’s look at TK’s words, which butter up America and then warn it’s in dire danger — just like the Music Man selling us a pool table!

The opening lines are “winter gettin’ colder/ summer gettin’ warmer,” but those are either a mistake or evidence that the Republican Party’s understanding of science is less nuanced than Toby Keith’s. After that comes the confusing lines about gas being expensive and the warning “Don’t get caught singing Christmas carols,” which is a legitimate fear in America today.

Wheat we can learn from other great “American Ride” lines:

“Poor little infamous, America’s town/ She gained five pounds and lost her crown.”

Mitt hates reality TV!

“Plasma gettin bigger, Jesus gettin smaller.”

Mitt hates that the expansion of television screens has not been accompanied by a proportional expansion of the size of Jesus!

“Spill a cup of coffee/ Get a million dollars.”

Mitt hates that one sweet old lady! Also: Trial lawyers! [Shakes fist.]

“Customs caught a thug with an aerosol can.“

Mitt hates graffiti kids riding airplanes! Or, no, Mitt hates that innocent Americans are treated like criminals at airport security! Or, maybe, Mitt hates environmentalists who hate ozone-killing aerosols! Or, shit, this hatted ham Toby Keith is impossibly vague.

“If the shoe don’t fit, fits gonna hit the shan.”

Mitt loves spoonerisms and comfortable footwear!

In conclusion, Toby Keith lyrics are the new constitution forever. Cover up your shans!

Note: Toby Keith’s “American Ride” is not to be confused with Toby Keith’s “American Soldier,” about American soldiers, or Toby Keith’s “American Made,” about being made in America, or Philip Roth’s “American Pastoral,” about how women go crazy and blow things up and will stab sweet old men at dinner parties.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 175 comments }

DaRooster April 5, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Welp, at least it's gonna be a down hill ride… much easier to push our shopping carts.

prommie April 5, 2012 at 1:17 pm

I won't work for food.

widestanceromance April 5, 2012 at 1:35 pm

How about ceder cheese?

Lascauxcaveman April 5, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I'm holding out for cakes we like.

DaRooster April 5, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Can you pick me up some cigs?

ManchuCandidate April 5, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I do miss country songs about losing your gun, truck, six pack, job, dog and sometimes wife instead of Cousin Cletus and Jingoistic Shitkickers autotuning "Don't Fuck Wit R Flag Muslin!"

/grew up in rural Canada City, slightly ashamed of his 70s/80s country song knowledge/

prommie April 5, 2012 at 1:18 pm

My wife done run off with my best friend, and I miss him. Thats the good kind of country song, yessiree bob.

Native_of_SL_UT April 5, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I miss my wife, but thanks to the NRA, my aim is getting better.

George Spelvin April 5, 2012 at 6:08 pm

If it looks like I'm getting smaller, don't worry, I'm leaving.

jetjaguar April 5, 2012 at 1:25 pm

This one of the few I remember. Just thinking about it bring a tear to my eye. http://www.angelfire.com/il2/hots/feedjake.html

SorosBot April 5, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Whoa, angelfire still exists? I was expecting a patterned backround that makes the text almost impossible to read and severe overuse of the blink code.

Lascauxcaveman April 5, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Stompin' Tom FTW.

Not just wheat fields, oil rigs and pickup trucks, but specifically CANADIAN wheat fields, oil rigs and pickup trucks.

Chichikovovich April 5, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Not to mention PEI potatoes, Tillsonburg tobacco, Sudbury nickel and drinking, an Ottawa Valley Paul Bunyan manqué and lest we forget "Hello out there, we're on the air, it's Hockey Night Tonight!…"

Barb April 5, 2012 at 1:09 pm

What has 72 legs and 26 teeth?
The first row at a Toby Keith concert!

DaRooster April 5, 2012 at 1:13 pm

I thought it was 71 legs… you know, diabetes.

ManchuCandidate April 5, 2012 at 1:15 pm

If you had 4 less teef, it would be the VIP section of a Rasslemania.

AbandonHope April 5, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Aren't they typically double-features? You know, so folks don't have to gas up their Hoverrounds to visit two different places.

prommie April 5, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Like as not you'll see an odd number of legs in that row, the results of various "Hey, y'all, watch this" incidents.

MissTaken April 5, 2012 at 1:18 pm

I'm okay with declaring war on *that* caterpillar.

LettucePrey April 5, 2012 at 1:59 pm

And the only black you'll see at a country music concert is a woman's eye.

CogitoErgoBibo April 5, 2012 at 1:09 pm

All right. Which one of you shrank Jesus? I told you not to put him in the dryer!

ManchuCandidate April 5, 2012 at 1:16 pm

It's okay. Hang him up for a couple of days and then put him in a drawer. 3 days later, presto, full sized Jeebus.

widestanceromance April 5, 2012 at 1:21 pm

The messiah is the right height again!

redarmyzombie April 6, 2012 at 4:26 am

Are we supposed to hang-dry our Jesus? What if we got fetus stains on him?

DaRooster April 5, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Needs more-
American Woman,
Stay away from me-ee.
American Woman,
Momma set me free-ee…

SorosBot April 5, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Damn Canadians, stealin' our women!

el_donaldo April 5, 2012 at 1:10 pm

And what about fedora-wearing latte-sipping Obama? Will he counter with LCD Soundsystem?

el_donaldo April 5, 2012 at 1:21 pm
Callyson April 5, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Somehow I made it to 1:34. With apologies to Michelle, for the first time in my adult life I am ashamed to be an American…

…OK, well, for the first time during the Obama administration anyway…

Mumbletypeg April 5, 2012 at 1:12 pm

"Back then they called him crazy/ Nowaday's they call him a saint." — Waylon & Hank Jr., "Let's Talk About Your Daddy"

Ease up on old Keith Toby, Mister Monocle. Today's brand o' crazy could be destined for greatness in tomorrow's treasure heap amid the "Trash" pile.

iburl April 5, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Question:
What is Toby Keith's sexual orientation?

Answer:
Toby Keith, the American Country singer has not stated his sexual preference in public. WikiAnswers will not speculate on what is personal and private information to any individual.

SmutBoffin April 5, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Let's be more specific: what type of paraphiliac is Keith?

Flagophile?
Truckosexual?
Dude-who-likes-to-slap-his-trucknutz-on-the-graves-of-actual-country-singers?

Oblios_Cap April 5, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Welllll….

He does like hot dogs…

DerrickWildcat April 5, 2012 at 1:13 pm

(little musical note((I don't know how to do it)( here) and soccer is for faggots give me the NFL.
and the ACLU are faggots too .
And Acorn can stick it right up their butts
and the U.N. are faggots too

Tommy1733 April 5, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Sorry, what was that?

DerrickWildcat April 5, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Yeah, ok. It was intended to be funny, but it might be over the top. I think this world wide website is starting to get into my brain.

Tommy1733 April 5, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Better this one than WorldNetDaily or Conservapedia.

Oblios_Cap April 5, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Alt-13: ♪
Alt -14: ♫

George Spelvin April 5, 2012 at 6:11 pm

I give it a 7. Not much of a beat, but lotsa faggots.

widestanceromance April 5, 2012 at 1:13 pm

A close read of a country song? Really?

el_donaldo April 5, 2012 at 1:15 pm

I think it's something they teach out there in those California colleges instead of American history.

redarmyzombie April 6, 2012 at 4:29 am

Nah, we're too busy praying to Stalin.

prommie April 5, 2012 at 1:14 pm

I remember that "King Family," which to you is probably just a funny archaic reference to something you have heard was pretty whitebread. You don't know the true horror. There were eleventy-bajillion of them, and they made Lawrence Welk look like the Sex Pistols.

jodyleek April 5, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I once saw Myron Floren play the accordion with his dick. True story!

Rotundo_ April 5, 2012 at 7:12 pm

I'll bet "Lady of Spain" just ain't the same anymore after that. It must have been incredible, Lawrence always turned them loose for extended solos and that was the genius of it all. A polka jam band and punk experience. No wonder my parents were deeply into that stuff in the day…

George Spelvin April 5, 2012 at 6:12 pm

This is the story of Larry Rotten.

__kth__ April 5, 2012 at 10:18 pm

One of them was Robbie's girlfriend-then-wife on My Three Sons. I loved her, man.

sullivanst April 5, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Nice one Toby Keith. Ripping off an ancient British band singing about a British artist is totally pro-Murka!

You know them Brits are Yooropeens, right, asshole?

MissTaken April 5, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Toby should go back to smoking weed with Willie Nelson, again.
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_4qiS22D5s” target=”_blank”>www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_4qiS22D5s

DaRooster April 5, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Wonder what The Nuge thinks?

SexySmurf April 5, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I prefer Lady Antebellum; all there songs are about booty calls with zero references to sodomizing people with footwear.

prommie April 5, 2012 at 1:35 pm

I'ma stick a boot up your ass for saying that!

LettucePrey April 5, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I digress, but am I the only person bothered by that band's name? A white country band calling itself Lady Antebellum? Really? When they came up with it, did no one in Nashville blink and say "Seriously?"

donner_froh April 5, 2012 at 1:17 pm

The production budget for that video could have been paid with change found in the couch cushions.

b[redact]opple April 5, 2012 at 1:18 pm

This is awesome. Welcome, Merle McMonocle!

HempDogbane April 5, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Merle, are you related to Juan Cole?

Mumbletypeg April 5, 2012 at 1:18 pm

"Merle Monocole," eh? Rearranges to create "Come Mole Loner."

So — welcome, Mole Loner! No one else here but us misfits.. And I don't mean anything derogatory by the "mole" suggestion, I'm just having fun running your moniker through the anagram generator is all.

el_donaldo April 5, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Also "Lone Creole Mom."

Hmm, now I'm kinda horny.

Goonemeritus April 5, 2012 at 1:18 pm

When the inevitable divorce happens between America and the former Confederate states they can have Toby and Wal-Mart in the settlement

i_AM_ready April 5, 2012 at 1:18 pm

From Wikipedia: "In April 2008, Keith said that Barack Obama "looks like a great speaker and a great leader." At the same time he remarked, "I think [John] McCain is a great option too." He also told CMT that he would likely vote for the Republican ticket, partially because of his admiration for Sarah Palin.

From Blazing Saddles: "You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land…the common clay of the New West. Y'know: morons."

SmutBoffin April 5, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Toby obviously doesn't really give a shit about politics or writing nuanced songs about the same.

He just enjoys taking money from idiots.

Tommy1733 April 5, 2012 at 1:19 pm

"hatted ham" – EXCELLENT

Serolf_Divad April 5, 2012 at 1:19 pm

"Why buy a gallon, it's cheaper by the barrel.
Just dont get busted singin' Christmas carols."

I'll vote for Mitt if he promises to make this guy Poet Laureate…

AbandonHope April 5, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I don't even get that. What, is he going to fill up his pickup truck with straight crude oil?

Actually, strike that. I don't want to give him any ideas.

Serolf_Divad April 5, 2012 at 1:56 pm

I've got a magic Pickup Truck that runs on Christmas carols…. at this very moment Imam Obama and his Sharia enforcement police are chasing after me trying to seize it so they can destroy it. You see, it threatens the oil profits of Obama's Saudi Arabian masters.

Terry April 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm

I'd prefer Robert Earl Keene
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P37xPiRz1sg

anniegetyerfun April 5, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Does Taylor Swift count as country? Because even though her songs are jingoistic, I feel like she is truly the very embodiment of evil.

SorosBot April 5, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Nah, I think Taylor Swift is the living incarnation of blandness. There is none more bland.

anniegetyerfun April 5, 2012 at 1:40 pm

It's the EYES. They just aren't right.

Terry April 5, 2012 at 1:54 pm

She needs to do a duet with Carrie Underwood where they both advocate trashing some guy's car.

George Spelvin April 5, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Or cover Goodbye Earl.

SmutBoffin April 5, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Taylor Swift sings pop songs that happen to mention Georgia or whatever.

Lucidamente1 April 5, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Toby Keith: he's just the right height.

jodyleek April 5, 2012 at 1:28 pm

For me to poop on!

AbandonHope April 5, 2012 at 1:51 pm

I read that as "Toby Keith: he just ain't right".

Which also works.

OneDollarJuana April 5, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Hey! Country music isn't all "America is the best!" and "America is being ruined by libruls!". It's also "Country ain't Country liked it use-ta be!". The funny thing is that they're pining for country music from the '90s, which pined for the music from the '70s, which pined for music of the '60s and '50s. At least in the post-WWII war years the country singers were merely long-suffering harmless drunks abused by their demanding wives.

Mumbletypeg April 5, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Not enough thumbs for this assessment.
I grew hearing country music without understanding it.
By the time I was intentionally listening to it (1990s) it became necessary to retro-appreciate it. Apart from Lyle Lovett and Randy Travis, it was around that time the face of CW started getting more "prettified" also, too. I harkened for Skaggs and Don Williams *because* they wore their ugly proudly, and retained talent as well.

long-suffering harmless drunks abused by their demanding wives

See: Keith Whitley, RIP 1954-1989

SayItWithWookies April 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm
Mumbletypeg April 5, 2012 at 2:09 pm

If only I could view it from work!
And wanting to add, now you've mentioned it — Hank Jr. belongs w/ my lineup of 'ugly mugs' (the afore-referenced LL & RT) but his similarity to those icons ends there.

SayItWithWookies April 5, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Oh, that song's about the Hank, not that manufacturer of trite abominations Hank Jr. Who but the original would have the balls to write a song called "My Son Calls Another Man Daddy?"

dinkybossetti April 5, 2012 at 3:27 pm

When I was a kid, my dad had a tape he bough at some truck stop called "Rowdy Country," and he would always play it in the car, so all of us kids would sing along. For his birthday one year, we found it on vinyl and gave it to him. I hadn't heard the songs in so many years, but it was pretty funny to listen as an adult and understand what we had been singing about as children. It had some real gems on it: "War is Hell (on the Homefront Too)" about a woman whose husband is away at war so she seduces the grocery delivery boy, "Older Women" about how older women are better lovers, "I Like Beer," etc.

widestanceromance April 5, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Thank you. Mall hair and a fake twang do not a down-home boy make.

Terry April 5, 2012 at 1:58 pm

I have loved some ladies and I have loved Jim Beam and they both tried to kill me in 1973.

That's a country song you can sing loud and proud while driving.

Lucidamente1 April 5, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Toby Keith : Mitt Romney = Pork rinds : George H. W. Bush

Discuss.

ifthethunderdontgetya April 5, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Toby Keith : Mitt Romney = Explosive diarrhea : A python-like turd in a Kohler Numi
~

SorosBot April 5, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Funny how country music likes to claim patriotism when it's most popular in the traitor states.

trondant April 5, 2012 at 1:21 pm

I can only assume this man wants the government shrunk down to the size where he can drown it in a red Solo cup.

widestanceromance April 5, 2012 at 1:32 pm

So small it can fit between him and his stretch jeans.

Blueb4sunrise April 5, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Coincidence?

Guitar amp pioneer Jim Marshall dies aged 88
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-1762

Doktor StrangeZoom April 5, 2012 at 2:03 pm

So turn off your smoke machine
And Marshall stack

–TMBG

(She doesn't have to have her Young Fresh Fellows tapes back)

Baconzgood April 5, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Kinda related. I took the Baconz boys to a monster truck ralley (funny enough we went to a childrens symphony in the afternoon, so we enjoyed all sorts of culture that day) and they played "Proud to Be an American" by Some Toothless Hick that Baconz Doesn't Give a Shit About, and every one stood. Baconz jr #1 asked why I wasn't standing and I told him that Some Toothless Hick that Baconz Doesn't Give a Shit about didn't write the National Anthem and that the song was shit.

You believe that people stood up for that stupid song. And they glared at me when I didn't to boot. This is my I hate country music reason # 10,025 story.

Crank_Tango April 5, 2012 at 1:33 pm

You know who else had people standing for a song that wasn't the national anthem…

Baconzgood April 5, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Handel and King George II?

Crank_Tango April 5, 2012 at 1:51 pm

II soon!

widestanceromance April 5, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Ashcroft?

LetUsBray April 5, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I would sooner stand for "Let the eeeeeeee-eeaaaa-gle soar" than that Lee Greenwood shit – less blatant cynicism.

SorosBot April 5, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Major League Baseball. And yes, I've refused to stand for that god bless America drivel and gotten angry looks for it.

b[redact]opple April 5, 2012 at 2:02 pm

THANK YOU.

Steverino247 April 5, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Attaboy, SB. I don't stand for that shit, either. It's bad enough that I have to stand for four minutes while some Whitney Houston wannabe yodels the actual National Anthem. It's a fight song, so sing it like one. We weren't trying to get laid, we were telling the Brits to take their best shot at our flag and they muffed it.

BornInATrailer April 5, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I break out in that song all the time when I deem it is suitably ironic. It never even crossed my mind that people might actually stand for it at an event.

prommie April 5, 2012 at 1:39 pm

The horror. The horror.

CogitoErgoBibo April 5, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Maybe they just wanted to already be standing when the next truck started careening into the audience?

Baconzgood April 5, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Don't tell anyone but…..It was pretty cool seing those big trucks smash things.

CogitoErgoBibo April 5, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I actually considered attending one, but only in an ironic way, due to Hugh Laurie's character House and his love of monster truck rallies. But the next time one came to town, a truck ran over someone before the thing even started. Kind of killed the buzz. True story.

HempDogbane April 5, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Also consider the jingoistic atrocity that is a rodeo…I mean the Dodge Ram PRCA Rodeo, which I have attended with the non-biologically related sorta relative young person who I love like my own daughter. Nobody does jingoism better than cowboys and clowns packed into a two-seater Dodge dually pickup and dropping' their g's over a booming sound system, probably made in Singapore, driving slowly across the arena. That fucking Lee Greenwood song, too.

snoopyfan2010 April 5, 2012 at 1:56 pm

You know that it is a common response of an animal that is threatened too over emphasize its strengths. So small dogs bark louder and lame horses try to run faster. Just saying….

Terry April 5, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I can't stand that song. Basically, it says that everything really sucks, but at least the singer knows he's free.

Uh, my life doesn't suck. My life is actually fairly awesome, truth be told.

Here's the patriotic song we should be using at events. Ray Charles singing America the Beautiful: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRUjr8EVgBg

Baconzgood April 5, 2012 at 2:06 pm

I think Living in America by James Brown should be our national anthem.

Terry April 5, 2012 at 2:10 pm

That, too, would be fabulous. Imagine choirs trying to sing it.

Still, Ray Charles has my heart on this one.

Baconzgood April 5, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Complete with Carl Weathers jumping up and down in his Uncle Sam Boxers out fit? I don't think Ray has a chance.

EmileZoloft April 5, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Back in aught three, some rodeo spectator didn't want to stand for that awful, terrible song and another rodeo spectator told him to "go back to Iraq" and actually started a fistfight with him over it.

CogitoErgoBibo April 5, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Oh good lord. So, if I have this correct, in reverence to a song extolling the virtues of a country where you are free to have your own opinions, the guy threw a punch over someone actually having the audacity to make use of said freedom?

My head hurts.

UnholyMoses April 5, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Toby Keith is to good music what a brain-damaged schnauzer is to good music.

ADDING: Deconstructing a country song? You, Mr. Monocle, either have mad skillz in the ways of crazy, or way, way too much free time.

Maman April 5, 2012 at 1:23 pm

hot dog?!!! Is that subliminal advertising from the weiner industry?

UnholyMoses April 5, 2012 at 1:35 pm

ANDOUILLE LIBEL!

freakishlywrong April 5, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Is Merle Monocole our new Wonkett cuntry music correspondent? If so, howdy, Merle!

trondant April 5, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Saaaaaaaaaaluuuuuuute!

HelmutNewton April 5, 2012 at 1:27 pm

"Every country music song today is about…"

c) How much the singer wants to boink his old pickup truck with a beer in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

WiscDad April 5, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Romney has apparently never heard of Mark Griffin…better known as MC 900 Ft. Jesus. He's bigger than ANY teevee…and shit

widestanceromance April 5, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I light the fires, while the city sleeps. . .or something like that (s'been a while)

Nesnora April 5, 2012 at 1:29 pm

The deputy sheriffs, the soldiers, the governors get paid
And the marshals and cops get the same
But the poor white man's used in the hands of them all like a tool
He's taught in his school
From the start by the rule
That the laws are with him
To protect his white skin
To keep up his hate
So he never thinks straight
'Bout the shape that he's in
But it ain't him to blame
He's only a pawn in their game.

(except that Toby Keith, having gold-plated truck nutz, is just pretending not to be a rich racist wanker).

SayItWithWookies April 5, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Art is supposed to hold a mirror up to society — it would be nice if the mirror weren't covered in shit, but whatcha gonna do? Soon nobody'll remember the litany of fleeting cultural references, just the disjointed "throw everything in a bag and bitch about it as though it were all related" ethos that comes with lazy songwriting and bad thinking — which is why it's so palatable to the masses, I guess.

Baconzgood April 5, 2012 at 1:31 pm

HONKEY TONK BADADONK LIBEL!!!!!!!!

owhatever April 5, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Mitt prefers Utah country music performed by the all-wives Vulture Tabernuckle Banjo Band. But he also like the Tennessee brand. And the Austin sound, too. And the Athens hard country-rock, and the Seattle sound, and whatever the hell they sing wherever he happens to be campaigning today.

Joshua Norton April 5, 2012 at 1:32 pm

What's with the name "Toby"? Sounds kinda fruity to me. Know what I mean? Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.

Crank_Tango April 5, 2012 at 1:38 pm

I think it was originally Kunta Kinte, if that makes it any better.

EmileZoloft April 5, 2012 at 2:02 pm

It's Tōbí with an "i".

gurukalehuru April 5, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Toby or not Toby, that is the question.

LesBontemps April 5, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Toby Keith is why we need sharia law.

freakishlywrong April 5, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Meh. Johnny Cash woulda given him the finger.

Wile E. Quixote April 6, 2012 at 1:28 am

Johnny Cash could have kicked Toby Keith's phony, blow-dried ass.

FNMA April 6, 2012 at 8:25 am

Friend of mine always says if Johnny Cash were alive today, he'd straighten all this shit right out.

BarackMyWorld April 5, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Watching part of the video where the president is crowd surfing (or whatever) on Wall Street begs the question: are the rightwingers ever going to decide between Obama being a puppet of the bankers or being a socialist? Because this is just plain getting confusing.

freakishlywrong April 5, 2012 at 1:43 pm

"feckless, indecisive bully/tyrant" is getting old as well.

AbandonHope April 5, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Naturally, he is both, thanks to the magic of cognitive dissonance.

doloras April 5, 2012 at 7:14 pm

No joke, the John Birch Society's analysis was that communism was invented by the international bankers (aka Jews) to rip off god-fearing Aryan yeoman farmers and small sweatshop owners.

MrsBiggTime April 5, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Ted Nugent's gotta be pissed – he's been pandering to rednecks for years and gets passed over for some guy named Toby. What a pussy name!

AbandonHope April 5, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Lesser known are Toby's songs "American McMansion," "American Homeschooling," "American Toddlers and Tiaras," "American USA Flag Bible Guns Constimitution YEEHAW" and "American Hero John Wilkes Booth."

Crank_Tango April 5, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Meh, I'd rather deconstruct my next shit, and I haven't even had corn in days.

natoslug April 5, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Worst fucking Jib-Jab video ever.

Blueb4sunrise April 5, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Toby Keith is popular in Arizona.

JustPixelz April 5, 2012 at 1:43 pm

"Spill a cup of coffee/ Get a million dollars.” The true story.

This lawsuit has become iconic. Everyone thinks they know what happened: Stupid old lady spills coffee on herself, sues McDonald's, and wins millions from a Oprah-ized jury. And almost everyone is wrong.

Stella Liebeck spilled the coffee on herself when she was adding cream and sugar as a passenger in her grandson's car. The car was stopped. The McDonald's coffee was intentionally served at a very high temperature. In Ms Liebeck's case it was hot enough to cause third degree burns. She wanted McDonald's to pay her $20,000 medical bill, but the company refused. So she sued. It turns out hundreds of other customers had complained or been burned by the extremely hot coffee. But McDonald's didn't lower the temperature because — they felt — the hotter coffee helped increase sales. The jury thought that was reckless and awarded Ms Liebeck a share of McDonald's daily coffee revenue.
http://www.lectlaw.com/files/cur78.htm

AbandonHope April 5, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Argh, I know, this one drives me absolutely nuts, but it's even more grating when a no-talent propaganda hack like Keith brings it up.

barto April 5, 2012 at 1:58 pm

there's a whole documenti-film on it "Spilled Coffee", which actually only tells part of the story (and extremely disturbing pictures of the actual burns). it mentions that McD knew the problem for a long time – 700 people complained before the famous one, but leaves out that they did a cost/analysis and decided it was cheaper to fend off the law suits. That's why you have to hit them with a huge reward – otherwise they'll just ignore the problem.

horsedreamer_1 April 5, 2012 at 5:23 pm

I'll put a scar on your labia — it's the American way.

EmileZoloft April 5, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Jesus said "I am the Way", which implies he'd be pretty effective as an electrically conductive filament. With a dense plasma focus, electromagnetic acceleration generates a plasma expansion accompanied by compression(plasma pinch aka Bennett pinch) of the conductor (i.e. Jesus). Incidentally, this will throw off X-rays, the kind of X-rays that could burn the image of a dude onto some linen.

EmileZoloft April 5, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Also, DAYAMN, Terry Gilliam, is that what it's come to?

ElPinche April 5, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Toby Keith takes the "O" out of country.

V572 Hogan Gidley April 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm

The idea that Mitt likes C&W is still more credible than GHW Bush eating fried pork rinds. Those things are fucking gross—smells like dumpster juice when you open the bag.

LetUsBray April 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Wow, no one's yet huffily insisted that Toby Keith is a registered Democrat and how dare we impugn the noble slab of lard etc., etc?

barto April 5, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Shan may refer to: [edit] People. The Shan people, Southeast Asian ethnic group inhabiting Myanmar. The Shan language · Dai people, also known as Shan,…

Those poor people!

EmileZoloft April 5, 2012 at 2:05 pm

C&W Zelazny reference?

BlueStateLibel April 5, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Mitt's favorite Toby Keith line, "Bought me a company on borrowed money, time to fire all the workers and become a millionaire."

LettucePrey April 5, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Toby Keith is a REAL 'Merican. His blood is red, his picket fence is white, and his last album blew.

snoopyfan2010 April 5, 2012 at 1:59 pm

This is why jazz wil always be considered the truest form of American music. No words, no politics and accessible to everyone.

mavenmaven April 5, 2012 at 2:05 pm

He should be like Nixon and use the tune "American Woman" by the Guess Who.

fartknocker April 5, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Toby Keith is the CMA version of Ted Nugent. For a real C&W song, try "Drop Kick Me Jesus" by Bobby Bare.

When it comes to Texas Swing music Asleep at the Wheel rules as far I am concerned.

Wile E. Quixote April 6, 2012 at 1:30 am

There's also Kinky Friedman's classic "I'm Proud to be an Asshole From El Paso" and "The Ballad of Charles Whitman."

slowhansolo April 5, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Hahahaha, Toby Keith. I mean, really? He's basically The Nuge without the low-level animal cunning.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 5, 2012 at 2:13 pm

So, being true to form, has he changed campaign songs yet?

Sharkey April 5, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Why does he have a flea-ridden Levon Helm hipster beard? He does not seem very hip.

mindo99 April 5, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Since Toby is an independent who has voiced support of Obama in the past, I wonder if he's approved Mitt's use of his song? Or did Mitt appropriate it the same way Mormon's appropriate dead historical figures?

TheGyrus April 5, 2012 at 2:34 pm

This is a dumb song, but let us not forget the previous Republican nominee's favorite song was "Dancing Queen."

National_Turkey April 5, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Interestingly enough, Keith is a lifelong…Democrat? And impugn away, there are idiots on both sides of the aisle.
http://www.mediaite.com/tv/country-singer-toby-ke

littlebigdaddy April 5, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Meanwhile, you know Barry is totally going to use one or more of the songs from the amazing new Bruce Springsteen album, gratis, probably even get the Boss to do one or two appearances. Rmoney is so going to lose!

lisawines April 5, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I don't know why but right-wingers don't seem to have any taste – in music, tv shows, comedy. But this isn't just the case in 'merica – When Sarkozy won in 2007 in France I laughed out loud when I saw that Johnny Halliday (who somebody called an aging tax-evading crooner) was paid a million eurobucks to headline Sarkozy's victory concert. Somebody else said Halliday is the French Elvis except for the fact that he hasn't had the decency to die.

Guppy April 5, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Customs!? Serves the kid right for wanting to leave the US of A! It's "love it or leave it," you can't do both!

Also too, I now have Status Quo stuck in my head.

Extemporanus April 5, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Howdy and huzzah, Merle McMonocole!

C_R_Eature April 5, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Yeah, well that's not Country Music. Real Country Music, as any serious student of the form will tell you has a singular defining characteristic.
If you play it backwards, your girlfriend on the side becomes unpregnant, your wife comes back with the kids, your dog comes alive again, your barn unburns itself, your truck is fixed, you grow hair and teeth, you're released from Prison, you graduate High School and suddenly, you're unfired.

__kth__ April 5, 2012 at 10:04 pm

About as believable as Mike Dukakis being a fan of Barbara Mandrell.

Negropolis April 6, 2012 at 2:35 am

Silly, Merle. Everybody knows Wal-Mart employees don't have health insurance.

ttommyunger April 6, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Mr. No-Talent teamed up with Mr. No-Personality, great, just fucking great…

Tundra Grifter April 9, 2012 at 11:37 am

My favorite Toby Keith song is "You Ain't Much Fun Since I Quit Drinkin'."

Baconzgood April 5, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I don't know if they were offended that I said "shit" to my 5 year old or that I called the song "shit".

prommie April 5, 2012 at 3:39 pm

It means "Dressed up like Gone With The Wind" I thought?

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