no not the animals noooooo

RNC Chairman Slanders Caterpillars, Says War On Women ‘Is A Fiction’

en garde! The war on women — is it real? Do elected people (some of them women) really want women to be declared as pregnant when all they really have is CRAMPS? Or is it all for the woman’s “SAFETY,” i.e. make sure they aren’t abused coming out of an abortion clinic by maybe not letting them go to one in the first place? This and other important questions were answered in a highbrow Bloomberg Television discussion featuring Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus over the weekend. And the important conclusion is that Reince believes that if the Democrats decided that caterpillars — common pests, sometimes stinging, sometimes furry, sometimes booger-like in appearance — were being victimized — probed, prodded, given a souvenir picture they don’t really want, told they are somehow pregnant from sex they will have in two weeks due to a strange glitch found in the time-space continuum — then the liberal media would similarly declare there to be a WAR ON CATERPILLARS! True or false?

Mr. Priebus:

If the Democrats said we had a war on caterpillars and every mainstream media outlet talked about the fact that Republicans have a war on caterpillars, then we’d have problems with caterpillars.

Interesting! But to be fair, angry people setting your e-mails about this to high priority, Republicans have experienced their own power of persuasion, and so Reince is just speaking from experience. Recall, when the Republicans said Iraq had weapons of mass destruction and every mainstream media outlet talked about the fact that Republicans think Iraq has weapons of mass destruction then suddenly Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.

The difference here is that we are hearing from the source itself, women, and they are not pleased! Whereas WMDs could not speak, because they did not exist, for one! Anyway, Priebus did say that if the Republicans would just “focus on the economy” like other sane people, they could “win back” some women, and the war would be over, Happy Xmas. BUT FIRST. It is very important that we pass legislation requiring a woman to stick a camera up her hoo-ha as soon as she thinks of a penis. For her safety. [Bloomberg News]

About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

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    1. BerkeleyBear

      Quad Cities region, but close enough as far as anyone who doesn't live in corn/soybean country cares.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      I would offer it's due his Wisconsin residence, but he's from Kenosha, so that all-but-FIB is prolly a Cubs fan.

        1. actor212

          They DO realize his last name is a hybrid car, right?

          I stand corrected: The IPA for his name indicates you're right, it's a long "i" sound

      1. terriblyfamous

        I can't figure out how to pronounce it at all. Let me consult my Elvish dictionary?

    1. HippieEsq

      The other flaw is that Reince Priebus is a 40 year old virigin. He seems to know women as well as I know advanced calculus.

  1. sullivanst

    Of course the GOP has a problem with caterpillars. The Democrats are going to pick up every single caterpillar vote this election. I guarantee it! The GOP will get zero caterpillar votes. You heard it here first, folks.

  2. fartknocker

    The fine folks in Moline, IL at John Deere are smiling.

    Also, I think Reince and Repeat Rebarbus has never had any sexy time with a woman. If he has a female in his life I think he may be cut-off for some time after this latest statement. Unless he's dating Ann Coulter.

  3. Joshua Norton

    Funny thing about actively working against female empowerment and labeling all who do feminists, lesbians, and communists. Turns out, you end up ceding all the heroes to the other side when your side loses the culture battle like the chumps you are.

    Want some female role models for conservatism? You’ll have to actually allow a woman to succeed and be praise-worthy and do something that inspires young women to achieve, and yeah, no, Sarah Palin so doesn’t count.

  4. OzoneTom

    Are we allowed to feed a caterpillar chocolate cake, ice-cream, a pickle, Swiss cheese, salami, a lollipop, cherry pie, a sausage, a cupcake, and a slice of watermelon?

  5. MissTaken

    Are caterpillars this year's lizard people? I want to make sure I got my insane election memes sorted.

    1. Crank_Tango

      What I wanna know is, what is the Demon Sheep of 2012?

      Tewe soon? Baaaad joke? Wool somebody stop me?

    2. Giveusabob

      Pretty sure doing so and keeping your mental health intact is not possible. I'd advise a different hobby. Macramé, perhaps?

  6. SorosBot

    Reince, caterpillars aren't people; they don't even have a real brain and so can't think and feel like vertebrates (along with octopi and squid) can. Of course Republicans don't think women are really people either, so the problem with the analogy is lost on them.

  7. widestanceromance

    This guy is so much worse than Steele. The approved–and unchanging–message is that the GOP is being attacked, always, in all cases, at all times. No exceptions.

  8. rickmaci

    Put women's health and reproductive issues in the same context as caterpillars.

    They have to stop trying to close the Gender Gap. Every time one of these GOTeaP types opens his mouth (emphasis on his) it gets worse.

  9. Lascauxcaveman

    The real war on caterpillars was back in the 70s, when my dad got one of those long-pole tree trimming devices and snipped off all those cobwebby nests they made in our mountain ash trees along the parking strip. My job was to follow along with a wheelbarrow and haul them back to the burning barrel. The smell of roasting caterpillar still haunts my dreams.

    Genocide. Never again.

    1. HippieEsq

      Are caterpillers covered by the Geneva Convention or are they more like "enemy combatants"

  10. Nesnora

    Yes, lets compare women to insects. That about sums up the respect level these bloated great white males have for us and our lives.

  11. BornInATrailer

    There's no war on caterpillars because they know their place. Get back in there and make me a leaf pie!

  12. Hera Sent Me

    This may be why Romney trails Obama by twenty points for the caterpillar vote. But caterpillars start off humbly only to end up as butterflies, so there's also a natural affinity.

    Romney does maintain a substantial lead over the president for the weasel vote.

    The innate tendency to vote for one's own kind is hard to overcome.

  13. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I'm pretty sure that a "reince priebus" is the part of the anatomy that a giant, hairless, asexual Peruvian mole uses to inseminate itself. That somebody named a child after such a thing is just awful.

    1. CogitoErgoBibo

      My boyfriend and I have a game involving names of new prescription drugs advertised on television. We take the name of the drug, use it in a sentence as the name of a child and decide whether or not we approve of the name. Some winners:

      "Levitra, get your ass down here!"
      "Propecia, take out the trash!"

      1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

        And your children will probably also give you thoughts of suicide and explosive diarrhea.

  14. Crank_Tango

    If the REPUBLICANS said we had a LIBERAL MEDIA BIAS and every mainstream media outlet talked about the fact that DEMOCRATS have a LIBERAL MEDIA BIAS, then we’d have problems with LIBERAL MEDIA BIAS.

    well, I guess he is right, in some ways.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    Reince Preibus: "Ladies, just close your eyes and tell yourselves this isn't actually happening."

  16. Callyson

    If the Democrats said we had a war on caterpillars and every mainstream media outlet talked about the fact that Republicans have a war on caterpillars, then we’d have problems with caterpillars.

    Yeah–I remember talking to some caterpillars in line at the voting booth, and they were pissed as hell at the GOP and swore they were never voting for another Republican again.


  17. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Caterpillars are okay, but I have declared war on the goddamned snails in my backyard.

  18. Mahousu

    I know it may seem a little patronizing for Reince to liken women to caerpillars, but all he's saying is that if they (women) would just grow up, they would become beautiful butterflies – assuming of course birds (Democrats) don't eat them first. That's hardly patronizing at all!

  19. MissTaken

    I'm gonna sell caterpillar car magnets to show my support for the troops during the War On Caterpillars.

    1. SorosBot

      We better defeat the caterpillars – I hear they like to smoke the marijuana and trick young girls into eating hallucinogenic mushrooms that make them think they're giants.

        1. SorosBot

          And here porn, along with spam and ads on porn websites, told me women all want their men bigger.

  20. CogitoErgoBibo

    Here is the one question I want to ask of all the damn GOP talking heads making the rounds in the past couple of days saying that "Women care about the economy, not birth control." How is denial of healthcare not an economic issue, nimrods?! If we care about the economy, then we obviously care about access to healthcare and how much it costs. You can yell, "You hoooo! Look over here! It's the economy you care about!" all you want. It's the economy and healthcare, stupid. They are inextricably intertwined.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Woah, woah, woah. Are you trying to use LOGIC here? Why? Why would you even attempt that?

      1. CogitoErgoBibo

        Crazy, ridiculous, optimistic hope in the future of humanity. I know. It's lonely in here.

        1. anniegetyerfun

          Well, join the rest of us in Drunken Snarkdom! It's a great party, and we very rarely have a suicide.

          1. CogitoErgoBibo

            Well, we're all just waiting for the death squads to make our suicides unnecessary, anyway, right? In the mean time, I'll take a dirty gin martini straight up with olives. Cheers!

          2. anniegetyerfun

            Oh, I didn't realize we had been separated at birth. That is, hands-down, my favorite drink, and the one that I am going to enjoy while giving birth.

          3. CogitoErgoBibo

            Hey, if you're consenting to go through pregnancy and child birth, I'd say you're due a vat of martinis while actually giving birth. I'm just enjoying the new Arizona conundrum of being both pregnant and not pregnant for 3 weeks out of every month, due to tubal ligation. As one Wonketteer noted, my box is a paradox. But at least now almost all of us will be able to enjoy the fun of drinking heavily while pregnant, if we so choose. Thanks, Arizona! Keep it real!

    2. SorosBot

      Come on, how could being forced to pay over a hundred dollars a month to not get pregnant because of your employer's religious beliefs be an economic issue?

    3. SayItWithWookies

      And if women care about the economy more, then why are the Republicans legislating anti-birth-control and other anti-women's health issues? They could simply do nothing and focus on the economy, which they're not. Nikki Haley (who, I believe, posited the above defense) is a damn benighted fool if she's standing by that logic.

    4. Negropolis

      It's not just the GOP. I hear sme Democratic talking heads on the television utter: "He should have concentrated on the economy, first, before health care" as if health care is something seperate from the economy. I mean, these idiots have to realize that the cost of health care is a major factor in a lot of personal bankruptcies, forclosures, etc…right?

  21. FlownOver

    The Asshole Formerly Known as Reince [insert inexplicable squiggly symbol here] demeans Larvo-Americans. Hath not a caterpillar funny antennae? If you step on them, do they not squish? If you focus the sun's rays on them with a magnifying glass, do they not squirm?

    1. Chichikovovich

      And if you wrong them, shall they not revenge?

      Because believe me, those vindictive multi-legged psychos are not going to just let it slide.

    1. actor212

      You say that now, but when you're bound up in silk threads and have a multi-eyed, multi-legged overlord staring down at you, you'll regret thinking it was a fraud!

      Me, it's just a typical Friday night.

  22. SorosBot

    I guess the war on women is like class warfare; the Republicans have been engaging in it for decades, but fighting back is what they, and the media, treat as the real crime.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Indeed, even just pointing out that they're doing it is a horrible affront to the foundations of society.

  23. cheetojeebus

    So….cactus : cock
    wild animals : the poor
    women : caterpillars

    Wonkette science class is making me confused. I hope there isn't going to be a test on this stuff.

  24. anniegetyerfun

    It is very important that we pass legislation requiring a woman to stick a camera up her hoo-ha as soon as she thinks of a penis. For her safety.

    So, I'm the only one who already does this?

      1. anniegetyerfun

        Oh, outward of course. Isn't… isn't that how all those candid camera segments get filmed? Because I have some great footage.

  25. Mumbletypeg

    This is only in keeping with Virginia's Governor McDonnell dismissing the war on women as "political theater." Then he went on to portray it as a stunt by Democrats hoping the ruse would distract, divide, etc. I think the Gov's true calling was not theater but film; he'd make a great projectionist.

    1. SorosBot

      So the Democrats forced the Virginia Republicans to require women to get a camera stuck up their vaginas to have abortions?

    1. An_Outhouse

      They're like a kid with a new toy, wanting to shove their cameras anywhere they can.

  26. el_donaldo

    Female aphids can be pregnant with a daughter that's already pregnant with the first aphid's granddaughter. Perhaps the GOP could go focus on that for a while.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        a paperwork nightmare at the abortion clinic

        Y'all were completely cracking me up, earlier at work, and still are, now that I can blithely guffaw in the safety of my own home.

  27. Biff

    I operated a Caterpillar D-8 for about 20 years. That's what I want on my side when we declare war on John Deere.

  28. Wadisay

    I'll bet anything that when Reince Preibus was in 7th grade, somebody called him Rinse-Your-Penis.

  29. HippieEsq

    yes but that's only in the states where Caterpillars must show valid ID to vote. In the Blue States, vote early, vote often, eat a leaf, repeat.

  30. OneYieldRegular

    Yesterday park animals, today caterpillars. Tomorrow we'll all just be diatomaceous earth to these misanthropic, misogynistic cretins.

  31. BornInATrailer

    And maybe if we had one news (lol) organization constantly babbling about the New Black Caterpillar Party and how they intimidate little old aphids at the polling station, we could manufacture that controversy.

  32. Redhead

    make sure they aren’t abused coming out of an abortion clinic by maybe not letting them go to one in the first place?"
    They're just trying to protect us from those crazy abortion center bombers, who they are absolutely IN NO WAY associated with (wink wink).

    "told they are somehow pregnant from sex they will have in two weeks due to a strange glitch found in the time-space continuum"
    … and apparently, they're Dr. Who fans.

  33. CogitoErgoBibo

    That really would be a great band name. [*filed for future reference*]

    I used to love going to dinner with my aunt while she was pregnant. She'd always order 1 glass of wine with dinner. I almost felt sorry for the self-righteous waitrons who dared to try and lecture her. Come for the dinner, stay for the show. Besides, all our moms drank when they were pregnant/breast-feeding. You're just carrying on a long-standing and much venerated tradition!

  34. DetectiveGrey

    I dunno, people. I can think of a lot of folks who would be very happy with cameras pointing at women's vaginas.

      1. Steverino247

        Thanks for clarifying that for me. Hey, next period, use the HOV lanes since you're technically pregnant in some states.

  35. Rosie_Scenario

    Caterpillers need to decide: caterpiller or butterfly. None of this trans-formation stuff. Not what God intended, no way, no how. Plus, them bright colors and patterns, much too ghey.

  36. gurukalehuru

    Actually, I think Reince Priebus would make an excellent name for a species of caterpillar -the next totally disgusting, hairy, mucous covered shit eating species they discover.

  37. DahBoner

    I suspect, sometime this Spring, this REPUBLICAN WAR AGAINST CATERPILLARS will quickly lead to a War On Women With Butterfly Tattoos…

  38. mormos

    You know what the most embarrassing part for them is (or rather would be if they were capable of feeling embarrassment or shame or human compassion or any of the other things that keep normal people from being complete assholes)? They honestly don’t understand what the big deal is.

  39. outragedcitizen

    Reince Priebus, (seriously his parents must have either hate him or had one twisted sense of humor), is right – the GOPbaggers are not fighting a war against women… They would have to give a crap about women in the first place to care enough to make war on them.

  40. C_R_Eature

    I wish Priebus would shut the hell up. Disrespect the Caterpillars in public, one thing leads to another, they get Pissed Off and then Tokyo is Destroyed. Stupid fuckers. How many Saturday Matinees do they need to see?

    Wait – weren't we talking about Women's Rights? I've lost track. Fuck.

  41. Morgellon XIV

    If you keep Cullen your Werwie, Phyllis Schlafly will make you Rience your Priebus!

  42. ttommyunger

    Seriously? Reince Priebus? How much of a chance was this kid given in life? Knowing his last name was Priebus, his parents named him Reince. Fucked from the git-go.

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