Everything is terribleGOOD MORNING. Did you have “March 31” in your Race War Pool? Then you and only you are the winner. (The rest of us will just sob quietly into our Slankets.) The good news is that now roving bands of wilding youths seeking out senior citizens to attack in Toledo, Ohio, are racially transcendent. The bad news is everything else. Here is hippie peacenik Mr. Dallas Watts, a frail old man who was drop-kicked and beaten by a gang of six. “Remember Trayvon,” he says he told them when they started surrounding them. It was a call to refrain from attacking someone on the basis of his color, but the Very Rotten Children, 11-17, took it instead as an incitement to do just that, and began kicking the shit out of him while yelling “kill the white man.”

Look what a fucking hippie the guy is that they chose to beat on:

At his home Monday, Mr. Watts said he has never allowed weapons inside and that when his four children were growing up, they were not allowed to play “cops and robbers, to kill the Indians.”

During the Vietnam War, Mr. Watts, who served in the military from 1950 to 1961, refused to let his boys play GI Joes.

There would be no more killing, he said.

But now, Mr. Watts says he plans to buy a gun and obtain a permit to carry it.

Good job, asshole kids. High fives all around! You just mugged an old peacenik and turned him into Charlton Heston. Also? You just lost the moral high ground to the Daily Caller.


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  • Barb

    Run, Betty White, run!

  • tessiee

    Maybe they mistook him for Saruman.

  • HippieEsq

    This is awful. I mean, losing moral High Ground to Matthew Boyle is harder than losing a beauty contest with Matthew Boyle. (in either case it's gotta be real fugly stuff)

    • sullivanst

      It's like losing a battle of wits with Sarah Palin.

  • IncenseDebate

    Looks like Tolstoy.

    • Or an old prospector in some Bogart movie that you just know is going to run into banditos with badgers…

  • FakaktaSouth

    I remember when I was a kid in school and we were doing a mock trial between the pilgrims and indians, I wanted to be a pilgrim, because – winning! My father then decides this would be a good time to explain some stuff to me about the actual founding of this country, thus creating the hot mess of liberal guilt you currently see before you. Apparently what I should have done was just rounded up my pilgrim friends and started kicking his ass. My point is, being a peacenik-y old man never comes to no good for no body. Shoot em up, dude.

    • Terry

      About the same stage in my life, my father pointed out that many of the colonists apparently were dumbasses who couldn't figure out how to feed themselves in a place where edible animals almost walked/swam/flew right up to you and demanded to be killed. His other point, a lesson from Jamestown more so than Plymouth, was when you move to a new place do NOT set out as your first task to annoy all your new neighbors.

      • FakaktaSouth

        Having smart fathers that make you think about things differently from how we are taught can be exhausting. He did (and still does) this to me about everything – all making me see another way of looking at stuff. It is EXHAUSTING, especially when everyone else is so good at making the wrong thing look like "common sense."

        • Terry

          Are we related? When we'd come home from school looking for sympathy over some injustice, Dad would ask what we could have done ourselves to prevent whatever it was from happening. It was annoying when you were looking for a hallelujah chorus supporting your contention that your teacher was unfair or a kid on the school yard was rotten.

        • prommie

          All I know I learned from Rockie and Bullwinkle.

          • FakaktaSouth

            That is so weird that you would pick them out of every possible cartoon. My dad loves Rocky and Bullwinkle. Good lord, ya just make me love you more and more every day.

          • prommie

            They swam in Veronica Lake and there was a hat called the Kerwood Derby! In one episode, there was an indian chief named chief Running Sore! Boris Badanov, the name alone, and the time he begged Fearless Leader, saying "send me to Antarctica, send me to Siberia, but please, don't send me to Wilkes Barre." I have been to Wilkes Barre.

      • Biff

        Happens here all the time. I only know 1 person who was born "here", everyone else is from elsewhere, mostly California, including myself. It's funny to hear someone who moved here from California last year complaining about Californians moving here and fucking up our idyllic way of life. To be fair, the new breed is from Orange County, and they piss me off too.

        • FakaktaSouth

          One of my favorite old Jon Stewart jokes about his grandfather, "the Russian Jew who hates immigrants" – he got off the boat at Ellis Island, turned around and yelled, get off of my land, I been here 10 seconds and you're ruining everything (I have that whole stand up from 1997 memorized. It is a sickness)

          • DaRooster

            Is that the one referring to Catholics paying retail for their sins with their "lent"?

          • FakaktaSouth

            You got it – "even in sin you guys are paying retail." ALso, "I don't SEE ANYTHING" when he makes the doc look at his butt, and how girls are so much more descriptive about sex – "it was like a baby's arm holding an apple." Certain things just make their way into everyday life, ya know?

      • widestanceromance

        Is it wrong to say I would blow both your Dads for raising such wonderful children?

        • Terry

          I'll let him know about your offer!

        • FakaktaSouth

          My dad would absolutely appreciate the sentiment, as do I – no doubt!

      • tessiee

        "my father pointed out that many of the colonists apparently were dumbasses who couldn't figure out how to feed themselves in a place where edible animals almost walked/swam/flew right up to you and demanded to be killed."

        "The first settlers had come upon a land of plenty. They nearly starved in it." — Root and de Rochemont, "Eating in America", quoted in Bill Bryson's very entertaining book "Made in America".

  • Both sides do it!!

    • prommie

      Birds do it, bees do it. . . .

  • Come on people now
    defy all your elders
    everybody get together
    and try to smack one another right now

  • I got no snark on this one. It's just pathetically sad. Wtf is wrong with these kids?

    • I blame the parents. And the schools. And the media.

      Or they could just be vicious little shits.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Oh, there's plenty of blame to go around–communists and atheists banning prayer in the schools, the liberal plot to destroy intact families, the lack of a mandatory recitation of the Ten Commandments at the beginning of all public meetings, permissive parenting, if-it-feels-good-do-it psychologists, sex on TV, and mostly Obama.

      • Save Our Country!

      • EmileZoloft

        If only the kids were taught the story of Elisha, and the idea that any old man might be a super-righteous bear summoner. A society afraid of bear-delivered retaliation for insults is a polite society.

    • They should all be shot. Stand Your Ground!!

    • snoopyfan2010

      This makes me sad too. That is all.

  • Forget it, Rebecca.

    It's Chinatown Toledo.

  • HempDogbane

    He'll have his own reality TV show within the year. Hippie Rifleman?

  • freakishlywrong

    This is a fucking bummer.

    • HippieEsq

      Things white and black kids can enjoy together: video games, hip hop, mob violence. Progress is a bitch.

  • Look, it unified the races. Can we not take SOME good from this????

    I mean, think about it: he's done more to bring the races together than the entire right wing of the country!

  • Baconzgood

    He was wearing a hoodie. Nuf said.

  • Lucidamente1

    A Gorgeous Mosaic of bullying.

  • Not_So_Much

    Puh-roud to be an American! derrrpa derrpa derp!!!

    (I forget the words)

    • HempDogbane

      If tomorrow all the things were gone,
      I’d worked for all my life.
      And I had to start again,
      with just my children and my wife.

      I’d thank my lucky stars,
      to be livin here today.
      ‘ Cause the flag still stands for freedom,
      and they can’t take that away.

      And I’m proud to be an American,
      where at least I know I’m free.
      And I wont forget the men who died,
      who gave that right to me.

      And I gladly stand up,
      next to you and defend her still today.
      ‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
      God bless the USA.

      From the lakes of Minnesota,
      to the hills of Tennessee.
      Across the plains of Texas,
      From sea to shining sea.

      From Detroit down to Houston,
      and New York to L.A.
      Well there's pride in every American heart,
      and its time we stand and say.

      That I’m proud to be an American,
      where at least I know I’m free.
      And I wont forget the men who died,
      who gave that right to me.

      And I gladly stand up,
      next to you and defend her still today.
      ‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
      God bless the USA.

      And I’m proud to be and American,
      where at least I know I’m free.
      And I wont forget the men who died,
      who gave that right to me.

      And I gladly stand up,
      next to you and defend her still today.
      ‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
      God bless the USA.

      You're welcome !

  • TheJasonAlexanderFanClub

    Dallas Watts: the city where JFK was shot & the ghetto where poor blacks rioted. Even his name incites racially-transcendent violence!

    • DCBloom

      Right? What are the odds?

  • Serolf_Divad

    And now comes the part in the story where every violent crime in America is taken as an emblematic justification of either one side or the other in the Trayvon Martin/George Zimmerman affair.

    • prommie

      The Trayvonization of America!


      • Negropolis

        Zimmermania, y'all!

        USA! USA!

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Just goes to show, you can't trust Them.

    • Which them? Them them or them them Them?

      • Baconzgood

        I don't trust gigantic ants, never have, never will. BUILD THE DANG WALL AROUND THE ANT FARM!

        • James Michael Curley

          That movie was just a version of Atlas Shrugged done during one of Ayn Rand's DT's.

          • Don't you mean Ant Rand?

          • Doktor StrangeZoom

            Or Emandible K'ant

          • Was a real pissed ant.

          • Doktor StrangeZoom

            There's an EO Wilson pun to be made here somewhere, but I have had either too much or not enough coffee, and so the hell with it.

            Something something hive mind.

      • TheJasonAlexanderFanClub

        all of Them, Katie!

      • EmileZoloft
  • Goonemeritus

    Glad he lived through it, boys in my experience don’t achieve the ability for abstract reason until about 32 years of age. Let’s hope this group doesn’t make us wait that long before they stop lumping up the oldz.

  • chascates

    Wow! Thank god we live in a country where the media doesn't inflame racial discord to further their political aims. Who knows what could happen.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Even before I knew this was Faux News, I knew it was Faux News.

  • Baconzgood

    You know I always joke about pushing old people down, but now that read about it it isn't as funny as I thought it would be.

    • James Michael Curley

      Wheelchairs down a flight of stairs – that's another matter.

    • My wife's always had the desire to push an old person into the frozen foods section. Of course, now that they no longer have those chest freezers in most supermarkets, her chances to live out her sick elder abuse fantasies are rapidly diminishing. I'm hoping it is nothing sexual — I'd hate to think that the height of arousal for her could only be achieved by seeing a pair of vericose vein entwined legs kicking about, rising from the moth-eaten grey wool skirt that itself is peeking over the edge of the freezer.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Reminds meow the mid 90s ONION community voice story, "If the heat doesn't kill the elderly, I will".

  • Guppy

    Teenagers are stupid.

    • CommieLibunatic

      I just wonder what people's excuse is when they have a fully-developed frontal lobe. I understand those things don't finish growing until age 25.

      • Guppy

        It's not offered as an excuse, just an exasperated observation. It's why marketers and military recruiters spend so much time and effort trying to cater to them.

    • An_Outhouse

      And now an old man will be carrying a gun so he can murder the stupid teen in the future. This story is so full of win. Not.

  • Last night as I was getting carded at the checkout line for my 6-pack purchase (my age is early 40s; it's been so long since I got asked for ID I forgot to feel 'flattered'), I then recognized the clerk as a former classmate of mine when we were in night school to earn teaching licenses.
    She said she'd tried teaching kindergarten for 1 year before giving up. Now it's checkout girl by night, plus tutoring afternoons, to support her 7-month-old plus her own kindergartener-tyke.
    She says she'd come home from teaching so stressed out, her husband begged her to quit until finally she did.
    Both of her parents were schoolteachers. At the time we were both attending classes to follow her folks' footsteps, her mother was still employed. From her anecdotes I first learned the phrase "Art on a Cart" for those instructors who'd been downsized from having their own classroom.
    Willing adults, in other words, give up on themselves pretty much at the same rate they give up on other folks' kids. I'm not sure which is the greater tragedy…

    • (cont'd): It's more than racial transcendence, in other words… I've been wondering, as I reflect on yet another conversation with a disillusioned adult — who, like Mr. Watts, embarks on embracing the younger set by practicing ideals and trying to communicate these w/ every encounter — wondering if it's an inter-generational conflict undergirding many of these currents of tension that erodes mutual respect from young to old.

      yelling "kill the white man"

      FWIW, my friend is mixed race; one parent black, one white. So who the hell knows..

      • freakishlywrong

        Are you teaching, Mumblety?

        • No. Zero offers after 6 interviews w/ four nearby school systems (2008). I had to take the 1st job I could before the economy went south. I've been proofreading ever since.

      • I read this the other day (well, most of it.)

        It makes a lot of sense. I guess I don't agree 100%. Oh well.

        • Geminisunmars

          I think it makes little sense (but I couldn't read it all either). If you factor out the olds who happen to be in the .01% of the filthy rich, I doubt there would be the same huge discrepancy in income levels. I think HistoriCat is right. This is another divisionary move.

          • I'm about the same age as Mumbly – what bothers me is that I'm paying for Baby Boomers entitlements and I will probably never get any.

            I think this kind of sums it up:

            Both political parties have agreed to this arrangement: The Boomers and older will be taken care of. Everybody younger will be on their own. The German philosopher Hermann Lotze wrote in the 1870s: "One of the most remarkable characteristics of human nature is, alongside so much selfishness in specific instances, the freedom from envy which the present displays toward the future." It is exactly that envy toward the future that is new in our own time.

            And we will not talk about any of it. We will keep mum. We will hold our tongues lest we seem ageist, lest we seem bitter, lest we seem out of touch, lest we seem pessimistic, lest we seem divisive.

            Sorry if this pisses people off – that wasn't really my intention. And I guess it's not really relevant in this thread… but at least you can see how it relates to Mumbly's comments.

    • HempDogbane

      Dan Fogelberg, is that you?

      • Aaaargh — now you've got that song playing in my head! "Thanks" for that, Hemp~

        • HempDogbane

          You're welcome ! Somebody else put that damn red solo cup one in mine.

    • Teaching kindergarten is too stressful? What is the problem? Are you trying to tell me kindergarteners are pistol-whipping their teachers now?

      • dinkybossetti

        My sister used to teach kindergarten, and it sounded like the most stressful part for her was seeing the kids who would come in every day hungry and unable to concentrate on the simplest tasks because they had nothing in their bellies.

    • I teach and I love it. But, thank God, I don't teach in the U.S. I would fear for my life.

      • Advn2rgirl

        Nah, the trick is to get them when they're old enough that they get the jokes and young enough that you can still take ém in a fair fight, Guru. I left law for teaching and wouldn't go back.

  • widestanceromance

    I was going to make some awful 'Watts the frequency" pun, but all I can say is that this is the anti-Dream.


    • TheJasonAlexanderFanClub

      Dan Rather still wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat…

  • Mr. Watts was on his way home from the nearby Gas Express Mart at Starr Avenue and White Street.

    He was just asking for trouble, walking on such a racist street.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    Great, and I just got over my childhood fear of that Jethro Tull album cover.
    I hope those kids rot in juvie.

    • doloras

      Oh, I get it. The old Hippie was sitting on a park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent?

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    OK, well, this means that the investigation of the Martin shooting can be dropped, because now everything's even.

  • sullivanst



    (as with pretty much everything to do with the Trayvon Martin tragedy, I got no snark on the substance)

  • UnholyMoses

    He shoulda just yelled "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" and hit the ground with the butt-end of a stick.

  • The fightin' Mud Hens. Given his time in the Army do you suppose Watts knew Corporal Max Klinger?

    • Biff

      Maybe, before he became a cross-dresser.

  • Baconzgood

    How come no good news ever comes out of Toledo Ohio?

    • They roll up the sidewalks precisely at ten and people who live there are not seen agaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin?

      • Doktor StrangeZoom

        So smile and be thankful next time you get weighed….

        • And wive and wet wive, Let this be our motto. Let's let the sleeping dogs lie (-ping dogs liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie)

    • Biggest industry there was making parts for Detroit.

      And now you know…the rest of the story.

    • Guppy

      It's Ohio.

      • Baconzgood

        Ohio is why Western PA can't have nice things.

    • DahBoner

      The last good thing outta Toledo was a guy who wore dresses trying to get out of the Korean war…

  • UnholyMoses

    And wingnuts use this story as "proof" that Teh Blahs are all out-of-control hoodie-wearing hoodlums who should be shot by white (moderately or otherwise) folks in 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 …

  • anniegetyerfun

    Wait, he tried the "remember Trayvon" line AFTER they had decided to harass him? Even I wouldn't bother with that. Either go totally limp or start screaming "I'll eat your eyes!" – but never try to reason with your attacker(s).

  • Biff

    That guy is probably about my father's age, and about me in another 20 years or so. Think I'd better cling to my guns, and stay the fuck out of Toledo.

    • Guppy

      You can't just cling to your guns, you also have to cling to your Bible. It's the American Way (TM).

      • Biff

        Can I cling to a DC Comics #1 instead?

        • Guppy

          Siegel and Shuster? Too Jewish.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Damn…Pete Townsend looks like Hell…

    • prommie

      Its a hard life, monitoring the internet for kiddie porn.

      • doloras


  • Limeylizzie

    This man is beyond lovely.

    Mr. Watts, carrying home two small bags of pork rinds to dole out as treats to his three dachshunds

    • CountryClubJihadi

      You are so right. And there is nothing better than a dachshund, except three dachshunds.

  • DaRooster

    I hate kids!!!

    (Yes… All of 'em, Katie!)

  • prommie

    Why can't there be any nice liberal peacenik older gentlemen who shave and dress in a manner which does not suggest mental illness?

    • *ahem*

      Also, Alec Baldwin. Too.

      Well, define "older", please.

    • How old do we have to be? Oops -never mind, you said shave & I've had a beard since my active duty Army discharge.

      • Biff

        I've shaved my beard off twice in over 40 years, both times for work. For the record, work is over-rated.

        • prommie

          I have a beard, too. What that guy has in the picture there, thats not a beard. Thats facial-hair anarchy.

    • DahBoner

      He was asking for it, because he doesn't shop at Men's Warehouse????

      • doloras

        Always been amazed on the Wonkettes, how *someone* in every comment thread about someone being beaten will come up with some way that they "could have prevented it", i.e. victim blaming. I think it's a kind of mystic mantra which protects the utterer from realising that it could happen to them.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Think of the precious children who might have bruised their precious knuckles! (Also: parents today are the worst ever. There's nothing a good horsewhip wouldn't teach these little shits.)

  • ElPinche

    You see what libralism does to America, now? You libunatics are clueless.

  • Boehneriffic

    "There was me, Alex, and my three droogs…"

    Stanley, is that your ghost out there nodding knowingly?

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Let's not forget Anthony…Stanley was the translator into another medium… (Originally typed "only the translator," but that seemed unfair, too…)

      • Boehneriffic


    • doloras

      Ultraviolence, ultra chic.

      Of course, the true message of the book (not the movie, which had the final chapter taken out) is that young men just are sociopathic thugs by nature, it's no-one's fault, and they will *hopefully* grow out of it.

  • The rest of us will just sob quietly into our Slankets.
    Lucky. I used to wear a Slanket to work. They told me to stop.

  • Random thuggery lets the cops and courts who let Zimmerman walk off the hook! Whew, that was a close one!

    Black kids should just stay home and kill each other far from gated communities, which white people don't give a flying fuck about so long as it is Contained.™

  • FieryLocks

    WOW! Gang of kids beats the crap out of helpless old man…don't you little shits feel so fucking tough now? Wow…soooo gangster!

  • So long as there is a black kid anywhere in the world engaging in criminality, Zimmerman was justified!!1!! All you people must be perfect to get Rights!!

  • WiscDad

    Can we get some GOOD NEWS today…like Dick Cheney's new heart rejected him?

  • Clearly, the rightwing media's strategy is to just print the entire police blotter of every major city with "Trayvon" in the headline every day. In this case, the kids helpfully brought it up themselves.

    • WiscDad

      Had to be Fox ya know

  • Let's see, bunch of black kids with angry fists result in a bruised old white man. And an angry white loser with his inferiority firearm results in a dead black kid. Black losers are in police custody, white loser is not many weeks later.

    So, yeah, same thing. Time to ramp it up, racist equivocators!

  • DahBoner

    I can't find the link right now, but at least one scientific study found that people hated OLD PEOPLE more than they hated minorities or women…

    • WiscDad

      Probably because they smell funny. What do they smell like?….depends

  • When do they achieve the ability to empathize?

    • Advn2rgirl

      Surprisingly early, it turns out. 8, 9, 10 month old pre-verbal little kids seem to like people who are being nice and think Mean People Suck:…. Of course, turns out that's 80% of them. The other 20% are just cruel little shits from the get-go.

  • Redhead

    That man looks like Santa. Who beats up Santa?

  • Oblios_Cap

    I thought the Oldz were supposed to be set adrift on ice floes, not mugged by the yoots.

  • WonkCynic

    It is questionable that wiggers hanging out with their darkie buddies and whooping on a peacenik should be considered a mixed race crowd. Nip it in the bud and ship all six of 'em back to Africa.

  • carlgt1

    well it's very Shakespearean in it's dumb humanity. I mean he tries to say he's on Trayvon's side but it's misinterpreted as taunting and he gets beaten. It reminds me of Cinna the Poet in Julius Caesar with the mob coming (thinking he's Cinna one of the guys who stabbed Caesar):

    Cinna the Poet. Truly, my name is Cinna.

    First Citizen. Tear him to pieces; he's a conspirator.

    Cinna the Poet. I am Cinna the poet, I am Cinna the poet.

    Fourth Citizen. Tear him for his bad verses, tear him for his bad verses.

    Cinna the Poet. I am not Cinna the conspirator.

    Fourth Citizen. It is no matter, his name's Cinna; pluck but his
    name out of his heart, and turn him going.

    Third Citizen. Tear him, tear him! Come, brands ho! fire-brands:
    to Brutus', to Cassius'; burn all: some to Decius'
    house, and some to Casca's; some to Ligarius': away, go!

  • horsedreamer_1

    Skinflint prolly tried to Bogart their blunt. To that, I say, do not get high on others's supply for which you did not pay.

    'Cause you'll pay, in blood.

  • Joey_Blau

    When I was going to high school, I was waiting for the bus and a gang of black kids beat me up… not too much damage.. as I sat there dazed.. a young kid maybe ten years old ran up and said "Oh man they beat you bad" and as I raised my head with a weak smile he says.. "But there's one placed they missed!" and punches me in the face and runs off…

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Well this just goes to show that George Zimmerman is innocent, Trayvon Martin deserved it and that we need to extend the Bush tax cuts and declare war on Iran immediately. OK, can I have a job at Fox News now?

  • usuhname

    geez can't they just beat each other up, like normal morally defunct kids, rather than being evil little psychos?

  • Negropolis

    Hey, kids. Grand Theft Auto is a video game, not a fucking training video, m'kay?

    BTW "kill the white man"? We sure this isn't some bad television show/movie? Only in badly scripted shows and movies (George Lucas, I'm lookin' at you) do idiots so blatantly describe their action and who they are going to do it to.

  • ttommyunger

    Trayvon? That old coot would be lucky to remember what he had for breakfast.

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