today in intellectualism

Conservatives Wonder: If Obama Hates Paul Ryan’s Plan So Much, Why Can’t We Feed Park Animals?

Only give them alcoholThere is a fantastic new, although possibly old, line of argumentation gaining traction among the more blowhardy blow-hards on the rightward end of the political spectrum: park animals: why won’t President Obama repeal the laws that forbid people from feeding animals at national parks, now that he’s leveraging the term “Social Darwinism” in its most epithetical sense to attack the Paul Ryan budget? Why does the President insist on preserving social insurance programs for one set of animals, Humans, while denying them for another set, the bison of the plains and so forth? Ha ha, gotcha! Hypocrite! Resign! Oy. Expect to hear much more of this typically empathetic analogy comparing humans to animals in the months ahead, as the Class War rages.

National Review’s Andy McCarthy, a lively, disturbed fool whose highlights include a condemnation of the media for not adequately describing the poor first pitch President Obama delivered at a baseball game as well as believing the theory that Bill Ayers wrote Obama’s first book, lays out this dumb animal thing in one of the funnier posts we’ll see for some time:

In light of his froth over this Ryanesque scourge of “Social Darwinism,” does the president favor repealing the laws that prohibit Americans from feeding the animals at the national parks that Obama risibly accuses Representative Ryan of trying to shut down?

You’ve probably seen the signs — they befoul the scenery throughout the Grand Canyon, Acadia, Yellowstone, the Everglades, Yosemite, etc. No food for the fauna. The Darwinists at the U.S. Park Service claim that animals must learn to fend for themselves if they are to survive and thrive. When you feed animals, the bureaucrats coldly explain, they become dependents and no longer function as nature intends. They lose their capacity to make their own way. They fill up on foods that are harmful to their digestive systems. There is a dulling of the instincts that help wildlife avoid danger — they lose the fear of humans and cars, leading many of them to be killed while expecting to find food on the roadside. Some signs are downright mean in admonishing: “A fed animal is a dead animal.”

Mr. President, where is the empathy?

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As always, we would like to remind you that Andy McCarthy — the fellow who just typed out that argument — is a former federal prosecutor.

And Rush Limbaugh is making the same argument, too! The conservative machine has settled on something; it’s moving, folks, and by Friday we’ll be hearing Justice Antonin Scalia hissing about park animal regulations in a case about property taxes or something unrelated:

There are at least two ways to debunk this funny animal argument:

  • The non-engaging way: What the fuck are you talking about, comparing feeding rules for animals in parks to fucking Medicare and stuff? What is wrong with you? Did you have actual clown makeup on, while you spewed out this crap? Just look at your choice of analogy! And you call liberals condescending to the American public?
  • The engaging way: Once the animals realize that another species will not be feeding them, they will be welcome to find solutions on their own that work out for the collective benefit of all animals. They can decide as a group, for example, to each put a little bit of their animal money in a group fund and then receive benefits from that fund when they’re retired, infirm animals. This will be hard, of course, because animals do not generally possess the critical thinking skills that humans, with the exception of Andy McCarthy and Rush Limbaugh, do. But they can still all learn to gather sticks and stuff together, or whatever.
  • It’s best to just stick with the non-engaging way.

    (Ha, we just googled “national park don’t feed the animals” to grab a picture for this post and dozens of obscure wingnut blogs popped up in the results. But go ahead, guys. Go ahead and try to feed those hungry grizzly bears from the palm of your hand, while taunting them. Then you might understand why the rules exist.)

    [via Digby]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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283 comments

    1. Negropolis

      Romney: And, where do you think the money goes?

      Crowd: In their furry little pockets!

      1. sewollef

        What's with all this "park animals" this, "park animals" that?

        Is that what we're calling those poor chaps who shiver outside snooty restaurants waiting to park your fucking hummer, so you can go in and chow down while they "park" your ride?

        Park animals! Really? Why not just call them messicans like we used to….

        1. James Michael Curley

          You do not live in NYC. Here if you gave a stranger the keys to your Hummer in two days it would be armored and escorting a Los Zetas general to some fancy Guadalajara "Snooty Restaurant".

  1. Barb

    If Palin is picked for the VEEP slot she will just shoot all of the animals in the parks from a helicopter. Problem solved!

      1. James Michael Curley

        I can see Sandy Hook from my porch. The only bears out there hang out in Gunnison Beach.

        1. Jukesgrrl

          Sandy Hook … I'm so jealous.Not that I don't have sand for miles around.It's just not connected to an ocean unless … “California tumbles into the sea,” as Steely Dan put it.

    1. C_R_Eature

      MOD, huh? Years ago one of my asshole technicians gave me this mix tape to listen to ("Check this out, it's wild!"). It sounded like what they play at a fucked-up Stormfront house party. This was the only song on it that didn't infuriate me.
      I gave it back ("No thanks, man. I'm into Music.")

    1. BarackMyWorld

      Limbaugh has been saying for years he was on the "cutting edge of societal evolution," which was a direct lift from Social Darwinist theory.

      Of course, he's probably too ignorant to know that.

    1. OzoneTom

      If you coat your child's hand with peanut butter you should be able to get some marvelous pictures of the adorable creature licking it off.

      1. sewollef

        No, no, no… peanut butter is highly processed, and contains all sorts of crap.

        Jesus H. Cristo! That would be bad for the bear. They need red meat… not skimpy meat-like product slathered with hydrogenated, emulsified 'peanut' butter.

        Come on where's your compassion?

  2. coolhandnuke

    Lindsay has been feeding the grizzly bears for years. Or, they've been feeding him.

  3. SorosBot

    So the National Review believes that poor people are animals, and should be left to eat other poor people or starve to death? No new news here really.

  4. GuyClinch

    Can we make an exception and say it's okay to feed McCarthy and Limbaugh to the animals, preferably grizzlies who like to toy with their prey before doing them in?

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Pick one particularly obnoxious conservative and do one each week. Put it on pay-per-view, use the proceeds to fund National Parks.

        Win-win.

    1. Negropolis

      Killer whales love to do that, too, and it'd be much more entertaining to watch in water. You know, Rush just bobbing up and down like some overweight elephant seal.

  5. Baconzgood

    Uhhhh. You feed the animals they get used to humans feeding them. They get used to humans feeding them they expect it. When humans don't have food then the animals make humans food. When the animals make humans food Little Billy has to go to the hospital because of a bob cat attack. Little Billy goes to the hospital for a bob cat attack his daddy is asked for insurance. Little Billy's dad doesn't have insurance because of Paul Ryan. We Pay for Little Billy's bob cat attack.

    1. bureaucrap

      Clearly the answer is to let the bobcat eat little Billy entirely. Child sacrifice — it's a win-win! And since the children have already been born, it's not abortion!

    2. Generation[redacted]

      And that's why, since Medicare was instituted, we've had a dramatic surge in little old ladies attacking people, expecting to get hip replacements.

    3. Callyson

      Should have caught this before I commented.

      And I seriously think the Reeps' response would be to tell Little Billy that he can get a job as a janitor to pay for his medical bills…

      Assholes. I say we throw them on the ice and let the Philadelphia Flyers treat him like they treat Sid the Kid…

          1. Baconzgood

            Looks like there will b a Penn cup this year. I don't care what Pittsburgh does in the playoffs as long as they winn the Penn Cup.

    4. sullivanst

      Don't pay for Little Billy's bobcat attack. Get rid of Goobers, and upgrade to Democrats.

      1. Baconzgood

        This comment makes my snark feel fuzzy. I didn't even see what I did there. Well played my friend *doffing my cap* well played.

    5. BlueStateLibel

      Sssshhhh, don't tell them that. Tell them the mean Obama is preventing them from feeding wild animals.

    6. Negropolis

      When humans don't have food then the animals make humans food.

      Not surprising they didn't follow the logic through. Not feeding the animals is for our benefit and safety, primarily.

  6. Generation[redacted]

    "There is a dulling of the instincts that help wildlife avoid danger — they lose the fear of humans and cars, leading many of them to be killed while expecting to find food on the roadside."

    They have a point. You saw in Florida what happens when blah people lose their fear of gated communities.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Ugh. Don't get me started on the local deer. I live about a mile from the entrance to a natl park. We have deer all over the road. NOT afraid of cars, so you better slow down if you see one even close to the road.

      Of course people ignore those signs. You can hardly get up to Hurricane Ridge on a summer Saturday with all the nimrods stopped in the middle of the road, handing Bambi a Big Mac and fries.

  7. widestanceromance

    I'd love to watch a Republican feed a bear by holding a hot dog between their teeth to entice them. Who wouldn't?

      1. widestanceromance

        That was the first time in my life I've used the word, 'hot dog' without some sort of innuendo involved. I will not let it happen again.

  8. MittsHairHelmet

    Allow me to translate wingnut into english:

    Feeding animals = food stamps.
    Black people get food stamps.
    Therefore Black people = Animals.

    1. Baconzgood

      How exatly do I link to your blog? Is it through the American Eagle Forem or through a skin head neo-nazi site that is being supressed by the liberal meaid because of all the "Real Truth" it expouses?

    1. V572 Hogan Gidley

      Not since Bill Buckley kicked off. He was the last one. He was also a religious zealot, a bigot and an asshole to his kid. But he was funny.

    2. Oblios_Cap

      You know you're in trouble when Jonah is the "intellectual" standbearer of your movement.

  9. MissTaken

    If you do feed the animals, please remember that tigers love pepper, they hate cinnamon.

  10. smokefilledroommate

    "Have you ever been to a National Park in this country? Have you ever been to Yosemite, the Grand Canyon or any place like that?"

    "No."

    Gotta love a conservative audience!

    1. PubOption

      And she works 12 or 13 hours a day, 6 days a week. She's obviously not compromised her principles and gone for a Union job.

    1. HippieEsq

      that's a bear feast of epic proportions. It might take full-blown bear JAMBOREE to finish off that massive carcass.

  11. Callyson

    why won’t President Obama repeal the laws that forbid people from feeding animals at national parks

    FFS, for the same reason that there are signs all over Griffith Park telling people not do do this: people are not supposed to feed the animals because that makes animals get over their fear of humans and become more aggressive, plus then they can lose their ability to hunt for food themselves, which means good luck if they have an empty stomach and no campers are around.

    Jesus, the wingnuts are not even trying anymore…

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Bless your heart. His point is that poor people are no better than animals, and to be consistent, Obama should have the same rules for poor people that he has for park animals.

      1. Callyson

        Ah, then the poors should have to hunt for their food. How very civilized…

        …then again, if they turned some Reeps into Soylent Green, there would be an upside to that idea. Now I haz a confused…

        1. Generation[redacted]

          Because the poor have lost their fear of people Real Americans, that's why they come into town looking for food. We want to discourage them from doing that.

  12. i_AM_ready

    "…by Friday we’ll be hearing Justice Antonin Scalia hissing about park animal regulations in a case about property taxes or something…"

    Thank you! This morning I was so happy to glance at the morning paper and see Maureen Dowd call Scalia, Roberts, Clarence and Alito political hacks. This needs to become a thing. Scalia is off the rails, but I wonder if Kennedy might think twice about Obamacare if he starts having nightmares about his obituary saying "noted political fixer."

    1. Negropolis

      When perpetually off-in-her-own-reality Maureen Dowd gets it, then we really have a problem.

      I, too, don't get why this hasn't become more of a thing. Maybe, it's because we can't do anything about it? Even the so-called mild-tempered conservatives on the court as political hacks. There is nothing equivalent on the other side of the court. Ginsberg is about as closes as you get to an equivalent, and she is nowhere near as linked to the Democratic Party as the other four are to the Republican Party. It's not even that they are ideological, because if they were, they'd be for smaller government. They are for the Republican Party first and before anything else.

      1. fuflans

        i don't know, the economist and new yorker talked about it last week. and i've heard about four different npr programs talk about it –

        oh yeah, right, THOSE sources.

        carry on.

      2. Designer_Rants

        It's because the SCOTUS knew how big this case is so they released same-day audio to REALLY throw gas on the fire. Since everyone can hear actual sound bites that same afternoon on teh eevnin newz, citizens suddenly realized what an unsavory character this "Scalia" fellow is. They don't like that Obummercare, but they also don't like that scalito's tone either.

  13. HarryButtle

    I encourage Andy McCarthy to feed the bears. Preferably while wearing a salmon toque.

  14. HippieEsq

    My reply is somewhat engaging: "Don't Feed the Corporations or the Right Wing Bloggers, Either"

  15. weejee

    Feed away!!! Let the visitors take videos of Ma 'n the kids riding one of them thar grizzlies.

    A new take on guess who's coming to dinner.

  16. Steverino247

    There are two reasons why those signs are there:

    1) People who try to feed wild animals will often become the food item those animals consume. Then, the animal has to be destroyed for fear the animal has learned that fat, stupid people taste better than other kinds of prey. Since the humans are fat and stupid, they become easier prey to kill and eat than other prey animals.

    2) People will feed animals the same shit they eat, which will make the animals as sick as the fat, stupid humans who fed them that shit in the first place.

    (There's also a thought that being photographed with fat, stupid humans holding out shitty food-like substances and saying things like "Looky here, Clem!" will embarass the animals when the word gets around.)

  17. MissTaken

    Keep feeding those bears, you idiots. The 2012 Darwin Awards need some new contestants.

    1. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      Seriously. I am so fucking angry right now, I will buy one thousand dollars in steaks and give them to conservative media people on the sole proviso that they hand feed 'em to grizzlies during mating season.

  18. edgydrifter

    From the many times I've seen majestic, dangerous animals getting fucked with by dipshit tourists who "jus wanna lil' picture of Billy sharing his sammich with the buffalo/moose/bear/alligator," I've concluded those rules aren't there to protect the wildlife.

  19. littlebigdaddy

    I think we should make an exception for wingtards. They are allowed to feed the grizzly bears in Yellowstone all the raw meat they can pack in. As long as they don't carry pepper spray.

  20. prommie

    stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid cunts. my greatest failure is that I still live here in this land of fucking belligerent, proud morons.

    1. HippieEsq

      But our greatest success lies in not letting them take it from us. conundrums…heavy shit!

    2. edgydrifter

      You're really having a hell of a day there. You need to find yourself a hug and a bong hit, stat.

  21. SayItWithWookies

    Dear animals — I know this argument might fool you, as you generally live outdoors, red in tooth and claw, pushing the little one out of the nest and all just to get the biggest scraps of regurgitated bass that mom and dad bring home, and thus not having the benefits of polite society. But don't be fooled by Mr. McCarthy's argument. Anytime a conservative expresses an interest in the well-being of some creature other than himself, there's an ulterior motive. Just ask the last people they cared about — fetuses, Iraqi women and children, and — yeah, that's probably the whole gamut.

  22. LastGasp

    I bear no ill will, but I'd be lion if I said Andy McCarthy and Rush Limbaugh weren't loons.

  23. bureaucrap

    McCarthy is actually writing specifically IN FAVOR of Social Darwinism. I think his point is that he wants Barry to put up signs all over America's cities that say "Don't feed the people!"

    uhhhh… unlike most animals, humans are capable of designing their social environment. Humans are not at the mercy of their environment; we don't HAVE to let our weakest and most vulnerable die. Moreover, animals don't create entire *classes* of weak and vulnerable members of their species specifically in order to exploit the s&^'t out of them.

  24. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    The Darwinists at the U.S. Park Service claim that animals must learn to fend for themselves if they are to survive and thrive.

    Claim?! Must learn?! What in the goddamn hell… kids, your country is shot to fuck and back because peaceful Christians love guns, because we believe in invisible shit that doesn't exist, because our dissonance suggests prayer (doing nothing) helps (does nothing), and because we can anthropomorphize the instinctive behavior of animals.

    I am thawing out Walt Disney and kicking his ass. Between him and teevee preachers, I am ready to start hitting things — and I may never stop.

  25. HarryButtle

    You gotta give 'em points for putting up a unified front…how do they coordinate this shit? Do they sit in a chat room all night, trying to figure out what they're all gonna say the next day? And how the fuck did they arrive at and agree upon this spectacular analogy?

    1. MissTaken

      Watch Outfoxed. Seriously. It's the Fox News Talking Points that go out each morning.

    2. bureaucrap

      Indeed, there are offices on both sides (DNC/CAP and RNC/Heritage) that do nothing but sit in rooms and come up with talking points that they blast fax to congressional offices and sympathetic media as soon as possible. It used to be that it was only one cycle of this a day, but now, it can be as many as five or six, depending on what is happening. Nice work if you can get it.

  26. widestanceromance

    Welfare queen bears driving Cadillacs all over the place, begging for free contraception and slurping Christian blood. Laugh all you want now, because it won't be funny when they come for your guns!

    Fine, but drug test them first.

    1. Negropolis

      But, but, the constitution gives us the right to bear arms. It's right there in the document; the bears aren't entitled to their arms.

  27. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Tell you what, we can pass the Ryan Budget as soon as they agree that we will manage the entire US population as if it were a National Park. Tranquilizer darts and Tracking Collars for all! Heck, the GOP should love that.

    1. Rotundo_

      First we would have to decide on a uniform set of criteria on which to tag, track and likely neuter assholes in the wild. The republican donor lists should make for a good start. Dart 'em, neuter 'em, ear tag 'em and release them back into the wild to winnow down the population to more manageable levels.

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Heck, contraception bill. But as Rush Limbaugh taught us, think of all the benefits if the sluts who use contraception can easily be tracked.

  28. SorosBot

    And you know who else believed in social Darwinism?

    No, really; I can't believe they're actually openly supporting an idea that's been discredited dead for three quarters of a century, in large part because of who it's biggest supporters were.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      Herbert Spencer (who very much sounds like a modern American conservative in a lot of his writings)?

      1. MadBrahms

        I have always wondered why Darwin was so complimentary toward Spencer in his work. Social Darwinism is not actually very Darwinian.

        Of course, conservative pundits sometimes dogwhistle their support for even the battiest creationism(s), so it's not exactly a shock that they can't tell the difference.

    2. Chet Kincaid

      Social Darwinism came out of the U.S. and England in the 1870s-80s, so don't give Adolf credit for this novel thinking. He was rather impressed with how we treated the Indians, also.

      1. BarackMyWorld

        Like most things, Adolf took an idea that was already bad, then added his own special kind of extreme crazy too it, to give it that one-of-a-kind Nazi flavor.

      2. doloras

        Hitler was a Social Darwinist towards the non-Germans, not the poors, though. Poor Germans got income support, cheap Volkswagens, etc, to be paid for later by pillaging the wealth of the entire European continent. In fact, Hitler was the consummate wingnut, in that he was in favour of welfare if it was for "his people" and them alone.

  29. Deportably_Jose

    So, the wingnut rebuttal to Obama's accusation that the Republican agenda is little more than Social Darwinism, writ large, is basically as follows:

    "On the other hand, Darwinism! Applied to Society!"

    Good point there, right?

  30. Deportably_Jose

    Also, "a fed animal is a dead animal" doesn't have anything to do with the idea that animals get overfed and soft because of human food. It's because they get habituated to human food and start to encroach on human campgrounds. Which is to say, bears eat you. Bears eat your face, if you feed park animals.

    "A fed animal is a dead animal" is because after the bears eat you, because you fed them, the park rangers have to shoot them.

    So, in this analogy, it's actually a great deal more like corporate welfare

    1. LastGasp

      So, if we give corporations welfare we get to shoot the corporate fat cats? Hmm, you may be onto a splendid idea here, sir.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      Facts, Schmacts. Halfway through your reasonable explanation to one of these wingers, they would start yelling about Nobama socializing the National Parks (doesn't make sense either, but when did making sense matter to a Republicnut and his pea brain?) and turning them into "reeducation" camps where white girls are forced to have sex with big, black guys. Or something.

      Seriously, do these people ever beam down from Planet Fox and spend a minute or two here in reality? PS Fuck Republicans.

  31. An Asexual Ungulate

    …what? I want to be snarky about it, but this line of reasoning doesn't even make sense to me. In any way.

    …these people all have brain damage, right? That's the punch line? That we're reading arguments presented by people who are mentally unwell?

  32. BornInATrailer

    Just you watch. This is all the excuse Bryan Fischer will need to rattle off another "kill all the bears" story.

    And I mean actual bears, not the other kind. Though of course he'd kill them too.

  33. Deportably_Jose

    I don't see what has these guys' dander up, anyway. Under the Paul Ryan budget, there won't be any National Parks any more. And thus, no more signs! Or possibly, wild animals!

  34. Slim_Pickins

    And while we are at it, why didn't any of the GOP presidential candidates defend the penny against extinction by the socialist US Treasury, the Lincoln penny is the bulwark of the US dollar, if it goes, eventually so does the dollar. I'm looking at you Michele, this important issue was yours for the taking.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Dude, it's going to take way more than a forehead slap to knock some sense into Andy McCarthy.

  35. BarackMyWorld

    In 1998, I wrote a paper in my Political Theory class contrasting Herbert Spencer and John Maynard Keynes.

    While I'm glad to see the rest of the country is finally starting to catch up with me, I should point out that Spencer's social theories had nothing to do with actual wild animals, but was an application of "survival of the fittest" to human society.

  36. OneYieldRegular

    Reached for comment on this critical issue, Bo simply observed, "Woof," without further clarification.

  37. finallyhappy

    Being Elmo advertised here is a great film and Kevin Clash is a really nice guy. Saw it and him last year -his family came and the young puppeteer he is mentoring. Of course, there is no sex/violence.bad language so maybe not a film for Wonkette

    1. Negropolis

      If you'd have asked me to describe who I thought the voice of Elmo was, it would not have been Kevin Clash. That's the awesome thing about puppets.

  38. Come here a minute

    Jim, in case you hadn't noticed, humans are animals. You know, living, breathing, pooping, dying, having no eternal soul. (Spolier alert! Sorry to those of you who think you're "going" to heaven.)

      1. bagofmice

        You have to understand, this chunk of dirt on this side of an invisible line is waaaaay different than that chunk of dirt over there. That difference is worth killing people.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Even Foxworthy's fifth-graders are, so he better keep the prize money low. He wouldn't want to have to dip into his own 1%-style fortune.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      Stop trying to play with their tiny minds with that elitist kind of observation.

  39. sbj1964

    With the fortunate death of Andy Breitbart Paul Ryan now seeks the title of Number one #1 assshole.I think he is a shoe in !

    1. Rotundo_

      Different classes: Andy was a buffoon, Ryan is dead serious. I suspect that behind it all, it was a game to Andy, but to Paul Ryan, Ayn Rand is not a joke. Paul and Ayn might be jokes, but Paul is a "true believer". Nuttier than a squirrel turd.

  40. meatpuppet2

    Republicans trying to figure out a way to give park animals voting rights as we speak.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      You mean prevent park animals from having voting rights, don't you? It can't be Republican legislation unless it's utterly unnecessary and completely useless.

  41. orygoon

    OT: does the Wonket have the tipsline any more? Because in a fairly obscure story, not too much covered, that Curveball guy, Rafid Ahmed Alwan al-Janabi, said "Yeah, nanny nanny boo boo, I lied, so what?"

    1. V572 Hogan Gidley

      It's an hour or two later in AZ (you can never tell what the fuck time it is in AZ, as they know DST is a socialist plot) so there may still be time for someone to do or say something stupid.

    2. PubOption

      It still shows at the top of the page. I occasionally send in tips, but I think the last person to use one was Riley.

  42. NellCote71

    I must be too stupid to be a Republican. I cannot follow this argument any more than I could the Arizona menses thing.

    1. lulzmonger

      Not stupid – maybe just a bit unclear on US-of-Aian political discourse.

      Any arguments that you can follow are liberal ergo PURE DISTILLED DOUBLE-MALT EV1L, & the others are conservative ergo HIGH-FIVES FROM JESUS & REAGAN.

      PROTIP: Logic was invented by ghey pagans & MUSLINS.

  43. fishskicanoe

    Other than having no idea what Darwin taught and what it means to be social the conservatives have latched onto a powerful analogy.

  44. Toomush_Infer

    So we send Kagan and Scoliosis out to Yellowstone to practice up for Congress….? ( just portmanteauing a couple of todays stories)….

  45. Lazy Media

    I'm surprised Santorum hasn't gone full "Consider the lilies of the field" when it comes to social programs.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      No, no, you're doing it wrong. Don't thunk your head against the nice, dust-free spot on your desk, if you do you run the risk of ending up brain-damaged and writing for the National Review. Thunk Andy McCarthy's head against the nice, dust-free spot on your desk, you'll enjoy the pleasing sound it makes and there's always a chance that you might knock some sense into the dumb bastard.

  46. owhatever

    Off the subject (just to the right, actually), Shawna is a very attractive lady, but she is no Kortney, and not a Miss Canada either, because she doesn't have a cucumber.

  47. Wonderthing

    They're just gonna be making shit up right and left now. "Well, Obama's skin releases a toxic chemical into the atmosphere because his dog has fleas that he caught when his daughter was born under a full moon when Michele was eating peaches from Nigeria. So where's his tattoo that says, Die Whitey?"

  48. Generation[redacted]

    If we give children school lunches, how will they ever learn to fend for themselves? Plus they'll lose their fear of school.

  49. elfgoldsackring

    1. Turn all the wild animals into burgers.
    2. Sell the national parks to Disney.
    3. Hire blah people to wear bear suits and pose with the tourists.
    4. Profit!

  50. DahBoner

    Conservatives are like LOLCATS when they try to think, but not as cute.

    Just spray them with a water bottle…

  51. DustBowlBlues

    So fun to be back at wonkette. BTW–has anyone seen Barb tonight? I'm making Hot Cross Buns in a minute and want to taunt her with my cooking skills. But only if they turn out well, so don't tell her my plan.

    Shit. Old Man home. Time for porn. For him.

  52. anniegetyerfun

    Froth? FROTH? You, Mr. McCarthy, should realize that only one political mind is capable of FROTH, and it's not Obama's.

  53. underthefish

    I think it's also time we repeal regulations that prevent park animals from owning firearms.

  54. ttommyunger

    So, Andy McCarthy is a former Federal Prosecutor….Just one more confirmation of my long held conviction that they are a dull-witted lot, suited only for political shilling, hacking and flacking. Any sensible ten year old can see the folly for man and beast connected with feeding woodland creatures.

  55. guangho

    If you believe in evolution, people are animals.
    If you spend any time around actual people you'll come to the same conclusion.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      I think it was one of those big monkey documentaries I saw that finally convinced me (I think it was titled "Planet of the Apes").

    2. C_R_Eature

      I have spent a lot of time around actual People, which is the precise reason that I greatly prefer the company of Animals.

      Also, there's no need to insult the Animals by calling them People.

  56. snoopyfan2010

    There a lot of other things animals do by instinct that we shouldn't try to control.

  57. Gleem McShineys

    Oh boy! I want to play the Andy McCarthy Great Double-ended Analogy-Dildo Punditsturbation Game, too!

    Let's see… here we go!

    Why don't Republicans and Free Marketeers make small business loans to business startups illegal? You see, if you prop up a business which can't make it on its own, with this extra money, how is it ever going to learn how to operate on its own? It sets a terrible precedent. Doing away with business support programs is the only way to ensure a strong businesses, because they'll have to … FUCK THIS BULLSHIT. I can't even get my brain to fit around this fucking stupid analogy long enough to shit out one stupid paragraph.

    This is why Andy McCarthy gets paid the big bucks, he can stick with a fucking stupid analogy long enough to shit out several stupid paragraphs, AND get Fatsack Limbaough to sing along too! WAY TO GO ANDY

  58. Wile E. Quixote

    As always, we would like to remind you that Andy McCarthy — the fellow who just typed out that argument — is a former federal prosecutor.

    I'll bet the defense bar loved him. "Dude, it was totally awesome, I was defending this serial killer last week and I figured that it was a total lost cause. The police had their shit together, the evidence chain was tight, the witnesses were both plenty and compelling and the guy even wrote out a confession. So I'm figuring that I'm totally fucked, but then I find out that Andy McCarthy is prosecuting the case. Five minutes into the trial McCarthy started babbling about feeding wild animals while he was examining one of his own witnesses. Anyways the jury voted unanimously to acquit."

  59. Wile E. Quixote

    For the last few years the words and deeds of America's conservatives bring to mind this line from Se7en

    I've been trying to figure something in my head, and maybe you can help me out, yeah? When a person is insane, as you clearly are, do you know that you're insane? Maybe you're just sitting around, reading "Guns and Ammo", masturbating in your own feces, do you just stop and go, "Wow! It is amazing how fucking crazy I really am!"? Yeah. Do you guys do that?

  60. fuflans

    i don't know anything about all this, but i do know that jim has made MY family easter dinner a LOT funner.

    and in the 'non-engaging' way.

  61. Negropolis

    While I am loath to "misunderestimate" the power of Teh Stewpid, I don't think this election is going to be nearly as close as people think so long as gas prices don't get too ridiculous and the administration gets out in front of whatever the Supreme Court decides. I think the contraception thing really killed their chances, and all this extra silly bullshit is just gravy.

      1. Negropolis

        Maybe I'm crazy, but I think his re-election would be demoralizing enough to set them off on some other course. I mean, a good chunk of this incessent hate has to be due to some of them actually thinking that it may oust him, right?

  62. Radio福井県

    Those fucking bears are always bumming cigs off me too.
    ⊂(● ̄(エ) ̄●)⊃y-゚゚

    1. Extemporanus

      Candy cigarettes?

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      1. Radio福井県

        Don't Feed the Pedobears!
        Hey, WTF is with your anal wink blot? It seems to be in a static state. A half baked swastika or something. Or am I really going TruckNutz?
        Y también, cheque el TNG thread, theremin in.

        1. Extemporanus

          "A half baked swastika or something."

          Sorry — my Fritz is on the oven again. (Too soon? Apparently…)

          I'll tell you WTF I see, sicko: a double-donged 'X' rockin' a three-pronged crown. Elitist? Perhaps. But I do kinda dig it as an "Ex" avatard default.

          Fret not, however — more whore-shat Rorschachs shall once again be an affect tomorrow.

          (I pressed número 2 and replied, mi amigo gringo, though not without a bout of fumble-fingered submitus interruptus.)

  63. Dashboard Buddha

    Maybe we can try to feed Rush to the bears. Of course, they would turn it down saying that their vets are trying to get them to cut out fats.

  64. MilwaukeeKent

    Did anyone listen to the woman's story? If what she says is true — working 12,13 hours a day six days a week — she seems exactly like what some of the money guys yanking strings at the GOP these days have in mind for the rest of us. And this is why we shouldn't help the poor, they'll just wander into traffic…

    1. glamourdammerung

      As far as I can tell, all Republican posters are multibillionaires that work 29 hours a day, and are also black, gay, and former Democrats.

      The Party of Limbaugh would certainly not encourage telling lies, right?

  65. C_R_Eature

    Andy McCarthy, Ladies and Gentlemen! The cutting Edge of the Intellectual Right, It's finest Flower. A giant of Conservative legal expertise .

    Using an utterly misunderstood concept as a flawed metaphor in a blatant political hit job in an excruciatingly poorly written article in the once-proud flagship newspaper of the Conservative Movement. In addition, given all that, managing to miss the target entirely due in no small part to its utter useless disconnection from the genuine issues and conflicts that the adult world cares about.

    I think we're reaching the shredded ends of this once mighty Movement, if this juvenile bag of nonsense words is anything close to what they consider "publishable"
    It's just sad, now.

  66. richmx2

    How about feeding right-wing blowhards to the animals, though I'm not sure a Rush Limbaugh burger is healthy for grizzly bears.

    1. smashedinhat

      It'll plug the poor bear right up as Limburgers are inedible. Much like the neon coloured plastic paddles that snow machines lose from their tracks during the winter. Bears eat them and die painfully while ranting incoherently and trying to chew on their own face.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Thanks for remembering. I gave it a lot of thought in the morning of 04/04/2012 and noted it was only mentioned by the local weatherman and there was no mention of any particular commemoration. The fifth is particularly poignant in my memories as I was going down U Street (short cut I would use to go from Arlington to College Park, MD) and did not know of the riots in DC until I was stopped by a National Guard road block across the road. Weirdness ensued.

      1. flamingpdog

        My family was still living in SE D.C., the only white family for blocks around that still had a kid (me) in school. My mom let me sleep in that day (the 5th). One of my white friends was set upon after school by some black kids, but he was rescued by another group of black kids who said (rightfully) that my friend had nothing to do with ML King being murdered. We had a National Guardsman stationed on my block for a week afterward, and many more close by. Looking back on it today, the whole thing was surreal. We moved out to Prince Georges County, MD that summer.

  67. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Wingnuts feeding hungry grizzlies by hand? Now that is Darwinism I can believe in.

  68. usuhname

    And when you feel like eating your neighbour, do so proudly, you non-elitist patriot, you!

  69. oldedinvn

    Jesus Hiram Crist, How many wrong wingers feed their food. No, putting salad dressing on a salad is not feeding aminals . It might be hard to separate Bambi from venison, try remembering not to pet the alligators & remembering that we are food for each other.

    PS: Remember the xians & lions.

  70. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Why is it that white people can talk about this in a Darwinist setting, but they get all dominionist about their Jesus? Christian logic is Christian.

  71. tessiee

    "No food for the fauna. The Darwinists at the U.S. Park Service claim that animals must learn to fend for themselves if they are to survive and thrive. When you feed animals, the bureaucrats coldly explain, they become dependents and no longer function as nature intends."

    Have I missed something, or is this exactly what *they* say about lazy poor people and lazy blah people?

  72. heathenette

    McCarthy is a douche. There are people of ALL colors on food stamps & WIC and most of them are little kids. So he’s suggesting we let the 3 year olds go out and fight for scraps in the streets. Because his christian ethics won’t allow him to go against Darwin? This is his “glorious Republic”? This just pisses me off to the point I can’t even explain.

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