enormous penis

Donald Trump Now Waving His Junk At Hot Transgendered Miss Universe Lady (AUDIO!)

Some like it HOTOh, Donald Trump, WHY did you get out of the presidential race? Whyyyyyyy? First your Miss Universe pageant, that you own, was all nuh uh beautiful transgendered Miss Canada contestant, you did not feeeeel like a natural woman (woman). And then they were all, eh, why not, chick is super, SUPER hot! And then Gloria Allred got in it (as she does) and was all HEY WE DIDN’T ASK TRUMP SHOW US HIIIIIS PEE-PEE? And then Donald Trump opened his yap because he cannot not open his yap, and called into TMZ Live (?!) and said, “I think Gloria would be very impressed with my cock.” (We think it was “cock.” TMZ elides it in his transcript as [my penis], and their media player is crap. Anyway, we will assume that Donald Trump is calling into TMZ and talking about his “cock,” because it’s exactly what we would do if we were Donald Trump.)

Here is TMZ’s audio of Trump’s call. Maybe it will play for you? OOOH OOOH! WAS IT ‘MONSTER SCHLONG’? [TMZ, via Wonkette operative “LimeyLizzie”]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • Barb

    My GOD, she looks like his daughter, Ivanka.

    • nounverb911

      You let the cat out of the bag!

      • Barb

        Put the cat back in the bag because this feels all "bad touch" to me.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      That's the first thing I thought, too. And I bet Ivanka's penis is much bigger than The Donald's.

      • Barb

        Too funny, Texan! I'm pretty sure my penis is larger than Donald's and I don't have a penis.

    • Callyson

      That was my first thought too!

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      That was the exact thing I thought. Maybe it is???

    • http://wonkette.com Chill-A-Sketch

      …but with a soul.

      • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

        …and much prettier.

        • http://wonkette.com Chill-A-Sketch

          …and less plastic surgery.

    • Exhausted66

      Only, pretty.

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      She looks like a prettier, more feminine Ivanka.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Even WITH the dick, she'd be more feminine.

    • elfgoldsackring

      Ivanka Lotte Cox?

    • oldedinvn

      The family that plays together stays together. So sayeth bishop Sheen.

  • nounverb911

    Will Lindsey Graham and Anne Coulter be the guest transgendered judges?

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Since when has Coulter ever been mistaken for a woman…?

  • An Asexual Ungulate

    I wouldn't mind waggling my wiener at her… but only within the context of marriage and without using birth control, because I'm a good little boy.

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      Sex with a transgendered woman means never having to use birth control.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        And therefore it's not for procreation, so Rick Santorum has a problem wit dat.

  • Grief_Lessons

    An ugly dude trying to get a job at Hooters would not get this kind of press.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Wait. Donald's applying at Hooters? WHY WASN'T I TOLD?

      • Swampgas_Man

        Her wig is better than his.

  • sullivanst

    Has The Donald been taking etiquette lessons? This is unusually classy and tasteful for him.

    • meatpuppet2

      Because it is his money involved instead of wingnut donors.

  • Baconzgood

    There are parts of this I find difficult to masterbate to and there are parts I don't. I'll just fap with my left hand….

    • prommie

      Have you tried "The Stranger?" Sit on your hand, until it falls asleep, then fap; since you cannot feel your hand, it feels like someone else is doing it! Good times!

      • Baconzgood

        ahhhhhhhhh…..no? *looking about in a shifty manner*

      • Limeylizzie

        I am going to try that.

      • Grief_Lessons

        Alternately, you can put a brick on your cock until it's totally numb. Then it's like giving a hand job to an octogenarian who is too enfeebled to get an erection.

        If that's what you're into. Ahem.

        • Gleem McShineys

          That'll be five bees!

          • bagofmice

            Will you take a quarter?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Oh, I thought that was changing to a different color tube…um, why, no, I've not tried that. Thank you for the tip!

    • oldedinvn

      I can fap to almost anything. No worries. The only time I am almost embarrassed is when I am walking down the street & get excited watching a dog shit.

  • coolhandnuke

    I have seen Trump's cock…I worked at NYC health club. It is not that impressive. It is however shaped just like a tunafish can.

    • Baconzgood

      If I run out of puke thinking about this can a borrow a cup or two of your's?

      • coolhandnuke

        I'd gladly lend you a bucket or two of my upchuck, but something strange and transformative happened to me during my USMC days…I stopped puking. In the past two decades plus, I have puked just once–stomach flu. There has been many a drunken night and morning where i wish I could flush the toxins out of me with a fine, gestaltive Bukowski belch..but, alas I am just a shell of my once proud, drunken, puking self.

    • MissTaken

      Got Girth?

      • coolhandnuke

        And grift, graft, greed, and golf.

      • Biff

        Roundth.

    • widestanceromance

      So, you're saying it looks like Mitch McConnell escaping from a fire?

    • Numbat_Dundee

      Long and thin goes too far in.
      Short and thick does the trick.

      The real question, of course, is whether his pubic hair in anyway resembles the stuff on his bonce.

    • montreal_bruin

      Kurt Vonnegut famously claimed the world record for penis diameter at 5 inches.

      • coolhandnuke

        Slaughterhouse Five.

        • Grief_Lessons

          Breakfast of Champions.

    • ttommyunger

      And the area prolly reeks of the same odor, also, too…

  • widestanceromance

    The last thing anybody wants to see is his ass hairs combed all the way over to his trump stump.

    • hunnybee

      now that's funny.

  • Grief_Lessons

    The implication is that it is someone's job to inspect the genitals of beauty pageant contestants. The fact that I'm unaware of this employment opportunity is yet another reason to be pissed at my high school guidance counsellor.

    • Grief_Lessons

      Though I'm mainly pissed at him because his advice got me here today, spending 40 hours a week at the zoo Swiffering elephant balls.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Hey, after a year or two, it's just slaving over a hot pussy, same as any other 9 to 5…..

  • prommie

    Is she anatomically correct?
    Donaldo just makes me sad, very very sad.

    • Negropolis

      Yes. In interviews, she's stated that she started her hormones at 14, and operations at 19.

  • HippieEsq

    Will this open the floodgates of comedy on Donald's pubic hair toupe? Please Please Please……

  • Callyson

    “I think Gloria would be very impressed with my cock.”

    "Meh–Ann Coulter's was bigger."

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    What a horrible, horrible little man.

    • oldedinvn

      I hope you are talking about his height & not his malenes or lack there of.

  • SorosBot

    Psst, Donald, when women have told you that they were impressed with your cock, they were lying. It's your money they've been impressed by, and they've only touched your cock so that they can touch the cash.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Why is it so many Wonkette posts these days feel like being dropped into a movie an hour after it started? WHAT R U TALKIN BOUT??

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Try taking an antipsychotic before you read. It works for me.

      • prommie

        Does that include quaaludes?

    • elviouslyqueer
    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      …feel like being dropped into a movie an hour after it started… WHAT R U TALKIN BOUT??

      Believe it or not, I get asked this a lot in Real life. And I'm not even high when they ask it.

    • oldedinvn

      I think the conversation is about a black president. Dang, how slow are you?

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Trump is as classy as his toupee leads me to believe he is.

  • MissTaken

    I keep trying to make a carpet-matching-drapes comment about The Donald, but the vomit that keeps rising in my throat is distracting me.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      His carpet is rather thread-bare and cheap, I imagine.

    • savethispatient

      The real tragedy is that the carpet does actually match the drapes.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        He now has to comb the drapes up, and over, to make it look like his has carpet. This, I imagine, takes hours.

      • bagofmice

        I now am stuck with my brain imagining an ass hair pube combover, and the straighteners bein applied. I hate you.

        • savethispatient

          I live to serve.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Hey Donald, that's not your cock, that's a role of dimes in your pocket.

    • Baconzgood

      And it's $2.80 short.

  • Grief_Lessons

    The simple fact of this woman's existence makes Canada, a nation of 35 million people, 11% more interesting.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Lemmi guess, he said " its huuuuge"

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Or, "It's TIRED!!"

    • bagofmice

      At least he's supporting real merkins.

  • Not_So_Much

    Gotta look just like a Cheeto™, one would think.

  • owhatever

    Miss Canada looks better than thd Donald and all of the women he has married, combined.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Indeed.

      Whatever they put in those hormones, they sure do work – but you do have to wonder if drug testing is going to become an issue for beauty queens.

  • WonkCynic

    So, if every country in the world entered its prettiest dickless fembot in Trump's contest, would it still be "Miss Universe", or would it be one large freak show of effeminate dickless dudes struggling as hard as they can to be what they are not: women?

    • MissTaken

      Hi, again, troll! You still aren't funny!

      • SorosBot

        Now he? has moved from the usual racism to transphobia though, so it's a change of pace.

        Also, WonkCynic, please go and kindly fuck yourself.

      • WonkCynic

        Wasn't trying to be funny. One thing I've noticed after several years of observation: brainwashed cookie cutter liberal hippocrites do not know how to step back and laugh at themselves for the mental illnesses that they've touted as "normal".

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      You sound bitter, as if Trump turned you down…

    • kingofmeh

      you spend a lot of time worrying about what other people's genitals look like, huh?

    • Generation[redacted]

      You seem to imply that it isn't already a freak show.

    • commiegirl

      How the fuck did this guy get back in here?

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        Newell must have fallen asleep on guard duty. Court martial his ass.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Fuck you, incidentally.

      I know we all make Ann Coulter jokes, but if you're actually on the Dump's side in this, please go back to Redstate.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Regardless of what it would be it would still be better than looking at your skank whore of a mother. Is it true that she's so skanky that she couldn't even get tweakers to fuck her and had to artificially inseminate herself to produce you by taking a cleanup job at a peep show and regularly douching with the contents of the mop bucket?

      • WonkCynic

        Hee hee hee. Lib tard insulted my mama. Boo hoo. I'm going to call Jan Brewer and have you incarcerated. I'll show you.

        • teebob2000

          Now THAT'S funny.

    • Negropolis

      EDIT: I can not let you get the better of us.

    • bagofmice

      Are you saying these people are extra-universal?

  • prommie

    I will name the punk rock band I will never form (we will never sound like a cross between The Clash and The Killers) "Donald Trump's Impressive Cock."

    • Generation[redacted]

      Too bad the name Revolting Cocks is already taken.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Dude looks like a lady

    What? I'm SHOCKED none of you came up with it earlier!

  • horsedreamer_1

    Hermie's Naughty Bits is my favorite 60s band.

  • Guppy

    Who cares what's going on in her pants when there's no chance in hell of getting there personally, Donald?

  • Angry_Marmot

    I'll bet she tastes just like cherry cola.

    • Limeylizzie

      Excellent!

    • ThundercatHo

      You should get comment of the day for this gem.

  • Guppy

    Wait, did you just use "elides" in a sentence?

    • commiegirl

      Sorry, was the grad school talking. Also: heterodoxical! Genet! Hegemony!

      • elviouslyqueer

        *winks suggestively* Call me?

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Generally, I don't say bad things about rich people as they might be able to buy me. However, I am too expensive for The Cock…I mean, The Donald. And, what phase of non-bankruptsy/bankruptsy is he in at present???

    • prommie

      He is so notorious for all the bankruptcying now, that all he has to do is squint in the direction of the Bankruptcy Court and all his creditors pull down their pants, bend over, and take their restructuring like men.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Donald Trump is setting a standard that his taxidermist is going to find difficult to replicate when he has himself preserved for his memorial.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I think he has made a deal with James Cameron and will use the CG doppleganger chilling in the Kelvinator.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Missed Universe, Donald….

  • DahBoner

    I think he's talking about his pet rooster who struts around his Upper East Side apartment like he owns the joint..

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Didn't Trump say she would be impressed with is "Glock." Cause there is no way someone that acts like Trump would have an impressive Cock. He is overcompensating for something.

  • johnnymeatworth

    So wait, we're not talking about Mittens' dick anymore?

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    "She was very impressed with my cock… It is HYOOOOGGGEEEEE!"

  • WiscDad

    …I'd hit it

    • tcaalaw

      I'm hoping you're referring to Miss Canada and not Donald Trump.

  • rocktonsam

    that mental image just killed my happy hour buzz.

    As promised, dick jokes!

  • ttommyunger

    To clarify: in Trump's case, his cock is just like a penis, only smaller.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      So all those ugly towers are just compensation? Why couldn't the jerk just buy a Hummer, like other indadequate men?

      • ttommyunger

        Prolly don't cost enough moneeez.

  • C_R_Eature

    I'd like you all to know that I supported cis-Trans Isomerisim before it was Cool.

  • Negropolis

    Not gonna listen. Nah-ah. Not even a little bit.

    God bless that mail-order hostage-bride he calls a wife. Surely, Melanomia is doing God's work.

  • Troglodeity

    His personal dickname: the Trump Tower.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    No, Donny, she would not be impressed. Remember what she did with the last dick she got her hands on?

  • DahBoner

    Put your junk back in the trunk!

    Did I just advocate butt sex????

  • oldedinvn

    Damn, that makes my hand look ugly. No worries mate, I just slammed my hand in a car door for being ugly. Sigh.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Donald Trump: "Short ****-ed vulgarian."

  • teebob2000

    I dunno, former-dude-now-chick competing against always-been-chicks in tennis, or track events or similar displays of athletic prowess is decidedly questionable from an ethical standpoint.

    However, in a beauty context?? C'mon, if former-dude-now-chick is hot enough, fuck yeah!!!

    • doloras

      Castor Semanya wans a word with your transphobic ass.