ENORMOUS PENIS  3:43 pm April 4, 2012

Donald Trump Now Waving His Junk At Hot Transgendered Miss Universe Lady (AUDIO!)

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Some like it HOTOh, Donald Trump, WHY did you get out of the presidential race? Whyyyyyyy? First your Miss Universe pageant, that you own, was all nuh uh beautiful transgendered Miss Canada contestant, you did not feeeeel like a natural woman (woman). And then they were all, eh, why not, chick is super, SUPER hot! And then Gloria Allred got in it (as she does) and was all HEY WE DIDN’T ASK TRUMP SHOW US HIIIIIS PEE-PEE? And then Donald Trump opened his yap because he cannot not open his yap, and called into TMZ Live (?!) and said, “I think Gloria would be very impressed with my cock.” (We think it was “cock.” TMZ elides it in his transcript as [my penis], and their media player is crap. Anyway, we will assume that Donald Trump is calling into TMZ and talking about his “cock,” because it’s exactly what we would do if we were Donald Trump.)

Here is TMZ’s audio of Trump’s call. Maybe it will play for you? OOOH OOOH! WAS IT ‘MONSTER SCHLONG’? [TMZ, via Wonkette operative "LimeyLizzie"]

 
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Hola wonkerados.

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{ 130 comments }

Barb April 4, 2012 at 3:44 pm

My GOD, she looks like his daughter, Ivanka.

nounverb911 April 4, 2012 at 3:46 pm

You let the cat out of the bag!

Barb April 4, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Put the cat back in the bag because this feels all "bad touch" to me.

Texan_Bulldog April 4, 2012 at 3:53 pm

That's the first thing I thought, too. And I bet Ivanka's penis is much bigger than The Donald's.

Barb April 4, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Too funny, Texan! I'm pretty sure my penis is larger than Donald's and I don't have a penis.

Callyson April 4, 2012 at 3:56 pm

That was my first thought too!

Maman April 4, 2012 at 4:08 pm

That was the exact thing I thought. Maybe it is???

Chill-A-Sketch April 4, 2012 at 4:26 pm

…but with a soul.

DemmeFatale April 4, 2012 at 4:40 pm

…and much prettier.

Chill-A-Sketch April 4, 2012 at 4:41 pm

…and less plastic surgery.

Exhausted66 April 4, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Only, pretty.

donner_froh April 4, 2012 at 5:48 pm

She looks like a prettier, more feminine Ivanka.

Swampgas_Man April 4, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Even WITH the dick, she'd be more feminine.

elfgoldsackring April 4, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Ivanka Lotte Cox?

oldedinvn April 5, 2012 at 7:50 am

The family that plays together stays together. So sayeth bishop Sheen.

nounverb911 April 4, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Will Lindsey Graham and Anne Coulter be the guest transgendered judges?

MaxNeanderthal April 4, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Since when has Coulter ever been mistaken for a woman…?

An Asexual Ungulate April 4, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I wouldn't mind waggling my wiener at her… but only within the context of marriage and without using birth control, because I'm a good little boy.

donner_froh April 4, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Sex with a transgendered woman means never having to use birth control.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 5, 2012 at 3:08 am

And therefore it's not for procreation, so Rick Santorum has a problem wit dat.

Grief_Lessons April 4, 2012 at 3:50 pm

An ugly dude trying to get a job at Hooters would not get this kind of press.

elviouslyqueer April 4, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Wait. Donald's applying at Hooters? WHY WASN'T I TOLD?

Swampgas_Man April 4, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Her wig is better than his.

sullivanst April 4, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Has The Donald been taking etiquette lessons? This is unusually classy and tasteful for him.

meatpuppet2 April 5, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Because it is his money involved instead of wingnut donors.

Baconzgood April 4, 2012 at 3:52 pm

There are parts of this I find difficult to masterbate to and there are parts I don't. I'll just fap with my left hand….

prommie April 4, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Have you tried "The Stranger?" Sit on your hand, until it falls asleep, then fap; since you cannot feel your hand, it feels like someone else is doing it! Good times!

Baconzgood April 4, 2012 at 4:00 pm

ahhhhhhhhh…..no? *looking about in a shifty manner*

Limeylizzie April 4, 2012 at 4:13 pm

I am going to try that.

Grief_Lessons April 4, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Alternately, you can put a brick on your cock until it's totally numb. Then it's like giving a hand job to an octogenarian who is too enfeebled to get an erection.

If that's what you're into. Ahem.

Gleem McShineys April 4, 2012 at 5:00 pm

That'll be five bees!

bagofmice April 5, 2012 at 3:10 am

Will you take a quarter?

actor212 April 4, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Oh, I thought that was changing to a different color tube…um, why, no, I've not tried that. Thank you for the tip!

oldedinvn April 5, 2012 at 7:54 am

I can fap to almost anything. No worries. The only time I am almost embarrassed is when I am walking down the street & get excited watching a dog shit.

coolhandnuke April 4, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I have seen Trump's cock…I worked at NYC health club. It is not that impressive. It is however shaped just like a tunafish can.

Baconzgood April 4, 2012 at 3:55 pm

If I run out of puke thinking about this can a borrow a cup or two of your's?

coolhandnuke April 4, 2012 at 4:44 pm

I'd gladly lend you a bucket or two of my upchuck, but something strange and transformative happened to me during my USMC days…I stopped puking. In the past two decades plus, I have puked just once–stomach flu. There has been many a drunken night and morning where i wish I could flush the toxins out of me with a fine, gestaltive Bukowski belch..but, alas I am just a shell of my once proud, drunken, puking self.

MissTaken April 4, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Got Girth?

coolhandnuke April 4, 2012 at 4:10 pm

And grift, graft, greed, and golf.

Biff April 4, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Roundth.

widestanceromance April 4, 2012 at 3:56 pm

So, you're saying it looks like Mitch McConnell escaping from a fire?

Numbat_Dundee April 4, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Long and thin goes too far in.
Short and thick does the trick.

The real question, of course, is whether his pubic hair in anyway resembles the stuff on his bonce.

montreal_bruin April 4, 2012 at 8:00 pm

Kurt Vonnegut famously claimed the world record for penis diameter at 5 inches.

coolhandnuke April 4, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Slaughterhouse Five.

Grief_Lessons April 5, 2012 at 6:55 am

Breakfast of Champions.

ttommyunger April 4, 2012 at 8:22 pm

And the area prolly reeks of the same odor, also, too…

widestanceromance April 4, 2012 at 3:54 pm

The last thing anybody wants to see is his ass hairs combed all the way over to his trump stump.

hunnybee April 4, 2012 at 5:45 pm

now that's funny.

Grief_Lessons April 4, 2012 at 3:54 pm

The implication is that it is someone's job to inspect the genitals of beauty pageant contestants. The fact that I'm unaware of this employment opportunity is yet another reason to be pissed at my high school guidance counsellor.

Grief_Lessons April 4, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Though I'm mainly pissed at him because his advice got me here today, spending 40 hours a week at the zoo Swiffering elephant balls.

MaxNeanderthal April 4, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Hey, after a year or two, it's just slaving over a hot pussy, same as any other 9 to 5…..

prommie April 4, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Is she anatomically correct?
Donaldo just makes me sad, very very sad.

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Yes. In interviews, she's stated that she started her hormones at 14, and operations at 19.

HippieEsq April 4, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Will this open the floodgates of comedy on Donald's pubic hair toupe? Please Please Please……

Callyson April 4, 2012 at 3:56 pm

“I think Gloria would be very impressed with my cock.”

"Meh–Ann Coulter's was bigger."

starfanglednut April 4, 2012 at 3:57 pm

What a horrible, horrible little man.

oldedinvn April 5, 2012 at 7:57 am

I hope you are talking about his height & not his malenes or lack there of.

SorosBot April 4, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Psst, Donald, when women have told you that they were impressed with your cock, they were lying. It's your money they've been impressed by, and they've only touched your cock so that they can touch the cash.

Chet Kincaid April 4, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Why is it so many Wonkette posts these days feel like being dropped into a movie an hour after it started? WHAT R U TALKIN BOUT??

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 4, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Try taking an antipsychotic before you read. It works for me.

prommie April 4, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Does that include quaaludes?

elviouslyqueer April 4, 2012 at 4:05 pm
Mumbletypeg April 4, 2012 at 4:11 pm

…feel like being dropped into a movie an hour after it started… WHAT R U TALKIN BOUT??

Believe it or not, I get asked this a lot in Real life. And I'm not even high when they ask it.

oldedinvn April 5, 2012 at 7:59 am

I think the conversation is about a black president. Dang, how slow are you?

randcoolcatdaddy April 4, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Trump is as classy as his toupee leads me to believe he is.

MissTaken April 4, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I keep trying to make a carpet-matching-drapes comment about The Donald, but the vomit that keeps rising in my throat is distracting me.

actor212 April 4, 2012 at 4:21 pm

His carpet is rather thread-bare and cheap, I imagine.

savethispatient April 4, 2012 at 4:24 pm

The real tragedy is that the carpet does actually match the drapes.

Jus_Wonderin April 4, 2012 at 4:31 pm

He now has to comb the drapes up, and over, to make it look like his has carpet. This, I imagine, takes hours.

bagofmice April 5, 2012 at 3:26 am

I now am stuck with my brain imagining an ass hair pube combover, and the straighteners bein applied. I hate you.

savethispatient April 5, 2012 at 3:34 am

I live to serve.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 4, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Hey Donald, that's not your cock, that's a role of dimes in your pocket.

Baconzgood April 4, 2012 at 4:51 pm

And it's $2.80 short.

Grief_Lessons April 4, 2012 at 4:03 pm

The simple fact of this woman's existence makes Canada, a nation of 35 million people, 11% more interesting.

SudsMcKenzie April 4, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Lemmi guess, he said " its huuuuge"

Jus_Wonderin April 4, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Or, "It's TIRED!!"

bagofmice April 5, 2012 at 3:34 am

At least he's supporting real merkins.

Not_So_Much April 4, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Gotta look just like a Cheeto™, one would think.

owhatever April 4, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Miss Canada looks better than thd Donald and all of the women he has married, combined.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 5, 2012 at 3:27 am

Indeed.

Whatever they put in those hormones, they sure do work – but you do have to wonder if drug testing is going to become an issue for beauty queens.

WonkCynic April 4, 2012 at 4:10 pm

So, if every country in the world entered its prettiest dickless fembot in Trump's contest, would it still be "Miss Universe", or would it be one large freak show of effeminate dickless dudes struggling as hard as they can to be what they are not: women?

MissTaken April 4, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Hi, again, troll! You still aren't funny!

SorosBot April 4, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Now he? has moved from the usual racism to transphobia though, so it's a change of pace.

Also, WonkCynic, please go and kindly fuck yourself.

WonkCynic April 5, 2012 at 12:51 am

Wasn't trying to be funny. One thing I've noticed after several years of observation: brainwashed cookie cutter liberal hippocrites do not know how to step back and laugh at themselves for the mental illnesses that they've touted as "normal".

actor212 April 4, 2012 at 4:20 pm

You sound bitter, as if Trump turned you down…

kingofmeh April 4, 2012 at 4:21 pm

you spend a lot of time worrying about what other people's genitals look like, huh?

Generation[redacted] April 4, 2012 at 4:33 pm

You seem to imply that it isn't already a freak show.

commiegirl April 4, 2012 at 5:09 pm

How the fuck did this guy get back in here?

imissopus April 4, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Newell must have fallen asleep on guard duty. Court martial his ass.

Swampgas_Man April 4, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Fuck you, incidentally.

I know we all make Ann Coulter jokes, but if you're actually on the Dump's side in this, please go back to Redstate.

Wile E. Quixote April 4, 2012 at 9:07 pm

Regardless of what it would be it would still be better than looking at your skank whore of a mother. Is it true that she's so skanky that she couldn't even get tweakers to fuck her and had to artificially inseminate herself to produce you by taking a cleanup job at a peep show and regularly douching with the contents of the mop bucket?

WonkCynic April 5, 2012 at 12:58 am

Hee hee hee. Lib tard insulted my mama. Boo hoo. I'm going to call Jan Brewer and have you incarcerated. I'll show you.

teebob2000 April 5, 2012 at 10:07 am

Now THAT'S funny.

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 10:55 pm

EDIT: I can not let you get the better of us.

bagofmice April 5, 2012 at 3:38 am

Are you saying these people are extra-universal?

prommie April 4, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I will name the punk rock band I will never form (we will never sound like a cross between The Clash and The Killers) "Donald Trump's Impressive Cock."

Generation[redacted] April 4, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Too bad the name Revolting Cocks is already taken.

actor212 April 4, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Dude looks like a lady

What? I'm SHOCKED none of you came up with it earlier!

horsedreamer_1 April 4, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Hermie's Naughty Bits is my favorite 60s band.

Guppy April 4, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Who cares what's going on in her pants when there's no chance in hell of getting there personally, Donald?

Angry_Marmot April 4, 2012 at 4:22 pm

I'll bet she tastes just like cherry cola.

Limeylizzie April 4, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Excellent!

ThundercatHo April 4, 2012 at 11:03 pm

You should get comment of the day for this gem.

Guppy April 4, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Wait, did you just use "elides" in a sentence?

commiegirl April 4, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Sorry, was the grad school talking. Also: heterodoxical! Genet! Hegemony!

elviouslyqueer April 4, 2012 at 5:43 pm

*winks suggestively* Call me?

Jus_Wonderin April 4, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Generally, I don't say bad things about rich people as they might be able to buy me. However, I am too expensive for The Cock…I mean, The Donald. And, what phase of non-bankruptsy/bankruptsy is he in at present???

prommie April 4, 2012 at 4:46 pm

He is so notorious for all the bankruptcying now, that all he has to do is squint in the direction of the Bankruptcy Court and all his creditors pull down their pants, bend over, and take their restructuring like men.

SayItWithWookies April 4, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Donald Trump is setting a standard that his taxidermist is going to find difficult to replicate when he has himself preserved for his memorial.

Jus_Wonderin April 4, 2012 at 4:38 pm

I think he has made a deal with James Cameron and will use the CG doppleganger chilling in the Kelvinator.

Toomush_Infer April 4, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Missed Universe, Donald….

DahBoner April 4, 2012 at 4:39 pm

I think he's talking about his pet rooster who struts around his Upper East Side apartment like he owns the joint..

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 4, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Didn't Trump say she would be impressed with is "Glock." Cause there is no way someone that acts like Trump would have an impressive Cock. He is overcompensating for something.

johnnymeatworth April 4, 2012 at 4:55 pm

So wait, we're not talking about Mittens' dick anymore?

GunToting[Redacted] April 4, 2012 at 4:56 pm

"She was very impressed with my cock… It is HYOOOOGGGEEEEE!"

WiscDad April 4, 2012 at 5:24 pm

…I'd hit it

tcaalaw April 5, 2012 at 8:12 am

I'm hoping you're referring to Miss Canada and not Donald Trump.

rocktonsam April 4, 2012 at 6:47 pm

that mental image just killed my happy hour buzz.

As promised, dick jokes!

ttommyunger April 4, 2012 at 8:24 pm

To clarify: in Trump's case, his cock is just like a penis, only smaller.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 5, 2012 at 3:38 am

So all those ugly towers are just compensation? Why couldn't the jerk just buy a Hummer, like other indadequate men?

ttommyunger April 5, 2012 at 6:46 am

Prolly don't cost enough moneeez.

C_R_Eature April 4, 2012 at 9:48 pm

I'd like you all to know that I supported cis-Trans Isomerisim before it was Cool.

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 10:44 pm

Not gonna listen. Nah-ah. Not even a little bit.

God bless that mail-order hostage-bride he calls a wife. Surely, Melanomia is doing God's work.

Troglodeity April 4, 2012 at 10:52 pm

His personal dickname: the Trump Tower.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 5, 2012 at 3:33 am

No, Donny, she would not be impressed. Remember what she did with the last dick she got her hands on?

DahBoner April 5, 2012 at 7:38 am

Put your junk back in the trunk!

Did I just advocate butt sex????

oldedinvn April 5, 2012 at 8:04 am

Damn, that makes my hand look ugly. No worries mate, I just slammed my hand in a car door for being ugly. Sigh.

Rosie_Scenario April 5, 2012 at 9:39 am

Donald Trump: "Short ****-ed vulgarian."

teebob2000 April 5, 2012 at 10:10 am

I dunno, former-dude-now-chick competing against always-been-chicks in tennis, or track events or similar displays of athletic prowess is decidedly questionable from an ethical standpoint.

However, in a beauty context?? C'mon, if former-dude-now-chick is hot enough, fuck yeah!!!

doloras April 5, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Castor Semanya wans a word with your transphobic ass.

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