Oh, Donald Trump, WHY did you get out of the presidential race? Whyyyyyyy? First your Miss Universe pageant, that you own, was all nuh uh beautiful transgendered Miss Canada contestant, you did not feeeeel like a natural woman (woman). And then they were all, eh, why not, chick is super, SUPER hot! And then Gloria Allred got in it (as she does) and was all HEY WE DIDN’T ASK TRUMP SHOW US HIIIIIS PEE-PEE? And then Donald Trump opened his yap because he cannot not open his yap, and called into TMZ Live (?!) and said, “I think Gloria would be very impressed with my cock.” (We think it was “cock.” TMZ elides it in his transcript as [my penis], and their media player is crap. Anyway, we will assume that Donald Trump is calling into TMZ and talking about his “cock,” because it’s exactly what we would do if we were Donald Trump.)
Here is TMZ’s audio of Trump’s call. Maybe it will play for you? OOOH OOOH! WAS IT ‘MONSTER SCHLONG’? [TMZ, via Wonkette operative "LimeyLizzie"]
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My GOD, she looks like his daughter, Ivanka.
You let the cat out of the bag!
Put the cat back in the bag because this feels all "bad touch" to me.
That's the first thing I thought, too. And I bet Ivanka's penis is much bigger than The Donald's.
Too funny, Texan! I'm pretty sure my penis is larger than Donald's and I don't have a penis.
That was my first thought too!
That was the exact thing I thought. Maybe it is???
…but with a soul.
…and much prettier.
…and less plastic surgery.
Only, pretty.
She looks like a prettier, more feminine Ivanka.
Even WITH the dick, she'd be more feminine.
Ivanka Lotte Cox?
The family that plays together stays together. So sayeth bishop Sheen.
Will Lindsey Graham and Anne Coulter be the guest transgendered judges?
Since when has Coulter ever been mistaken for a woman…?
I wouldn't mind waggling my wiener at her… but only within the context of marriage and without using birth control, because I'm a good little boy.
Sex with a transgendered woman means never having to use birth control.
And therefore it's not for procreation, so Rick Santorum has a problem wit dat.
An ugly dude trying to get a job at Hooters would not get this kind of press.
Wait. Donald's applying at Hooters? WHY WASN'T I TOLD?
Her wig is better than his.
Has The Donald been taking etiquette lessons? This is unusually classy and tasteful for him.
Because it is his money involved instead of wingnut donors.
There are parts of this I find difficult to masterbate to and there are parts I don't. I'll just fap with my left hand….
Have you tried "The Stranger?" Sit on your hand, until it falls asleep, then fap; since you cannot feel your hand, it feels like someone else is doing it! Good times!
ahhhhhhhhh…..no? *looking about in a shifty manner*
I am going to try that.
Alternately, you can put a brick on your cock until it's totally numb. Then it's like giving a hand job to an octogenarian who is too enfeebled to get an erection.
If that's what you're into. Ahem.
That'll be five bees!
Will you take a quarter?
Oh, I thought that was changing to a different color tube…um, why, no, I've not tried that. Thank you for the tip!
I can fap to almost anything. No worries. The only time I am almost embarrassed is when I am walking down the street & get excited watching a dog shit.
I have seen Trump's cock…I worked at NYC health club. It is not that impressive. It is however shaped just like a tunafish can.
If I run out of puke thinking about this can a borrow a cup or two of your's?
I'd gladly lend you a bucket or two of my upchuck, but something strange and transformative happened to me during my USMC days…I stopped puking. In the past two decades plus, I have puked just once–stomach flu. There has been many a drunken night and morning where i wish I could flush the toxins out of me with a fine, gestaltive Bukowski belch..but, alas I am just a shell of my once proud, drunken, puking self.
Got Girth?
And grift, graft, greed, and golf.
Roundth.
So, you're saying it looks like Mitch McConnell escaping from a fire?
Long and thin goes too far in.
Short and thick does the trick.
The real question, of course, is whether his pubic hair in anyway resembles the stuff on his bonce.
Kurt Vonnegut famously claimed the world record for penis diameter at 5 inches.
Slaughterhouse Five.
Breakfast of Champions.
And the area prolly reeks of the same odor, also, too…
The last thing anybody wants to see is his ass hairs combed all the way over to his trump stump.
now that's funny.
The implication is that it is someone's job to inspect the genitals of beauty pageant contestants. The fact that I'm unaware of this employment opportunity is yet another reason to be pissed at my high school guidance counsellor.
Though I'm mainly pissed at him because his advice got me here today, spending 40 hours a week at the zoo Swiffering elephant balls.
Hey, after a year or two, it's just slaving over a hot pussy, same as any other 9 to 5…..
Is she anatomically correct?
Donaldo just makes me sad, very very sad.
Yes. In interviews, she's stated that she started her hormones at 14, and operations at 19.
Will this open the floodgates of comedy on Donald's pubic hair toupe? Please Please Please……
“I think Gloria would be very impressed with my cock.”
"Meh–Ann Coulter's was bigger."
What a horrible, horrible little man.
I hope you are talking about his height & not his malenes or lack there of.
Psst, Donald, when women have told you that they were impressed with your cock, they were lying. It's your money they've been impressed by, and they've only touched your cock so that they can touch the cash.
Why is it so many Wonkette posts these days feel like being dropped into a movie an hour after it started? WHAT R U TALKIN BOUT??
Try taking an antipsychotic before you read. It works for me.
Does that include quaaludes?
Here's what started it all, Chet.
…feel like being dropped into a movie an hour after it started… WHAT R U TALKIN BOUT??
Believe it or not, I get asked this a lot in Real life. And I'm not even high when they ask it.
I think the conversation is about a black president. Dang, how slow are you?
Trump is as classy as his toupee leads me to believe he is.
I keep trying to make a carpet-matching-drapes comment about The Donald, but the vomit that keeps rising in my throat is distracting me.
His carpet is rather thread-bare and cheap, I imagine.
The real tragedy is that the carpet does actually match the drapes.
He now has to comb the drapes up, and over, to make it look like his has carpet. This, I imagine, takes hours.
I now am stuck with my brain imagining an ass hair pube combover, and the straighteners bein applied. I hate you.
I live to serve.
Hey Donald, that's not your cock, that's a role of dimes in your pocket.
And it's $2.80 short.
The simple fact of this woman's existence makes Canada, a nation of 35 million people, 11% more interesting.
Lemmi guess, he said " its huuuuge"
Or, "It's TIRED!!"
At least he's supporting real merkins.
Gotta look just like a Cheeto™, one would think.
Miss Canada looks better than thd Donald and all of the women he has married, combined.
Indeed.
Whatever they put in those hormones, they sure do work – but you do have to wonder if drug testing is going to become an issue for beauty queens.
So, if every country in the world entered its prettiest dickless fembot in Trump's contest, would it still be "Miss Universe", or would it be one large freak show of effeminate dickless dudes struggling as hard as they can to be what they are not: women?
Hi, again, troll! You still aren't funny!
Now he? has moved from the usual racism to transphobia though, so it's a change of pace.
Also, WonkCynic, please go and kindly fuck yourself.
Wasn't trying to be funny. One thing I've noticed after several years of observation: brainwashed cookie cutter liberal hippocrites do not know how to step back and laugh at themselves for the mental illnesses that they've touted as "normal".
You sound bitter, as if Trump turned you down…
you spend a lot of time worrying about what other people's genitals look like, huh?
You seem to imply that it isn't already a freak show.
How the fuck did this guy get back in here?
Newell must have fallen asleep on guard duty. Court martial his ass.
Fuck you, incidentally.
I know we all make Ann Coulter jokes, but if you're actually on the Dump's side in this, please go back to Redstate.
Regardless of what it would be it would still be better than looking at your skank whore of a mother. Is it true that she's so skanky that she couldn't even get tweakers to fuck her and had to artificially inseminate herself to produce you by taking a cleanup job at a peep show and regularly douching with the contents of the mop bucket?
Hee hee hee. Lib tard insulted my mama. Boo hoo. I'm going to call Jan Brewer and have you incarcerated. I'll show you.
Now THAT'S funny.
EDIT: I can not let you get the better of us.
Are you saying these people are extra-universal?
I will name the punk rock band I will never form (we will never sound like a cross between The Clash and The Killers) "Donald Trump's Impressive Cock."
Too bad the name Revolting Cocks is already taken.
Dude looks like a lady
What? I'm SHOCKED none of you came up with it earlier!
Hermie's Naughty Bits is my favorite 60s band.
Who cares what's going on in her pants when there's no chance in hell of getting there personally, Donald?
I'll bet she tastes just like cherry cola.
Excellent!
You should get comment of the day for this gem.
Wait, did you just use "elides" in a sentence?
Sorry, was the grad school talking. Also: heterodoxical! Genet! Hegemony!
*winks suggestively* Call me?
Generally, I don't say bad things about rich people as they might be able to buy me. However, I am too expensive for The Cock…I mean, The Donald. And, what phase of non-bankruptsy/bankruptsy is he in at present???
He is so notorious for all the bankruptcying now, that all he has to do is squint in the direction of the Bankruptcy Court and all his creditors pull down their pants, bend over, and take their restructuring like men.
Donald Trump is setting a standard that his taxidermist is going to find difficult to replicate when he has himself preserved for his memorial.
I think he has made a deal with James Cameron and will use the CG doppleganger chilling in the Kelvinator.
Missed Universe, Donald….
I think he's talking about his pet rooster who struts around his Upper East Side apartment like he owns the joint..
Didn't Trump say she would be impressed with is "Glock." Cause there is no way someone that acts like Trump would have an impressive Cock. He is overcompensating for something.
So wait, we're not talking about Mittens' dick anymore?
"She was very impressed with my cock… It is HYOOOOGGGEEEEE!"
…I'd hit it
I'm hoping you're referring to Miss Canada and not Donald Trump.
that mental image just killed my happy hour buzz.
As promised, dick jokes!
To clarify: in Trump's case, his cock is just like a penis, only smaller.
So all those ugly towers are just compensation? Why couldn't the jerk just buy a Hummer, like other indadequate men?
Prolly don't cost enough moneeez.
I'd like you all to know that I supported cis-Trans Isomerisim before it was Cool.
Not gonna listen. Nah-ah. Not even a little bit.
God bless that mail-order hostage-bride he calls a wife. Surely, Melanomia is doing God's work.
His personal dickname: the Trump Tower.
No, Donny, she would not be impressed. Remember what she did with the last dick she got her hands on?
Put your junk back in the trunk!
Did I just advocate butt sex????
Damn, that makes my hand look ugly. No worries mate, I just slammed my hand in a car door for being ugly. Sigh.
Donald Trump: "Short ****-ed vulgarian."
I dunno, former-dude-now-chick competing against always-been-chicks in tennis, or track events or similar displays of athletic prowess is decidedly questionable from an ethical standpoint.
However, in a beauty context?? C'mon, if former-dude-now-chick is hot enough, fuck yeah!!!
Castor Semanya wans a word with your transphobic ass.
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