real christians eat cheez-its

How Is Michelle Obama Taking The Jesus Out Of Easter Now?

I gave my love a chicken that had no boneGhetto-elitist/Harvard-ACORN/exercise-Nazi-fat-person Michelle Obama has done it again. She has RUINED EASTER by letting her husband, Ol’ Idiot-Head there, wish Iran a happy Nowruz while NEGLECTING to celebrate the holiest day in Christendom. But don’t they have a big Easter celebration at the White House every year? you are scratching the fleas from your Levon Helm hipster beard and wondering. YES. How dare Michelle Obama follow White House tradition by offering an Easter celebration for all children to cry at instead of just the besaved ones! And now she is filthying it up even more by inviting her Hollywood liberal elite reality television cooking show friends to set up food tents filled with food that is neither ham nor Christ’s body. (Presumably.)

So what is Moo-Shell politicizing now? Oh, just EVERYTHING.

As hundreds of kids comb the grounds of the White House looking for colorful eggs at next Monday’s Easter egg roll, eight celebrity chefs will be adding their own flavors to the affair, giving cooking demonstrations in a pavilion on the South Lawn — right near first lady Michelle Obama’s famous Kitchen Garden.

Five of the chefs have appeared on “Top Chef,” either as contestants or guests: Sam Kass, White House Senior Policy Advisor for Healthy Food Initiatives; Bryan Voltaggio, chef/owner of Volt restaurant in Frederick; Carla Hall, from ABC’s “The Chew;” Paul Qui, Executive Chef of Uchiko in Austin, Tex.; and Richard Blais, host of “Reinventing the Meal” on the Cooking Channel.

There she goes, with her CELEBRITY friends again, yanking the anusburgers from your cold dead hands and “jamming” quinoa salad down our throats. Are you going to stand for that, Merka? FREEDOM! [WashingtonExaminer]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I always celebrate good Friday by crucifying something. Hopefully a wingnut. Then we have a pagan bonfire and and orgy.

    • SorosBot

      Now that really sounds fun; I just usually celebrate Good Friday with a traditional blasphemous viewing of The Life Of Brian. Oh, and masturbating at the hour of Jesus' supposed death; that's a nice extra bit of blasphemy.

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        I have a great recipe for crucified chicken. Some people call it rotisserie, whatever.

        • Radio福井県

          BLOOD OF CHRIST LIBEL!

          • SorosBot

            Mmm, that Christ's blood can be pretty tasty, and can get you good and buzzed. But I'm unemployed and so will probably just be getting Gallo brand blood of Christ.

          • OneDollarJuana

            Mmmm! BlutdesCristiWurst!

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Is it spatchcocked?

        • Boojum

          Are you having Jew skewers?

      • RedneckMuslin

        I celebrate by telling the story of Jesus which ends with Jesus saying, "Peter, I can see your house from here".

      • MissTaken

        Ah yes, the traditional masturbating at the hour of death, or what I like to call The Passion of The Clitoris.

        • SorosBot

          Or The Passion of the Cock for us mens.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          I gargle with Clitoris. Really gives my mouth that clean crisp feeling.

          • prommie

            Pucker power clean.

        • JustPixelz

          That's just a myth. Proof: If the clitoris was a real thing, the Repubicans would pass a law against it. Besides, I've never been able to find one. And I tried once.

        • Negropolis

          le petite mort

          Sometimes, it can be quite grande, though.

      • Extemporanus

        "Oh, and masturbating at the hour of Jesus' supposed death; that's a nice extra bit of blasphemy."

        Does it take you three days and three nights to rise again, too?

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          It's like you have a webcam in my bunk!

      • prommie

        Watch The Last Temptation of Christ, its even more blasphemous, but only if you watch closely, and know your new testament.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Ah yes, Scorsese took a novel that re-imagined the events as happening among a group of Greek country folk, and re-imagined them occurring among a group of bickering New York Jews and Italians. But he came back around to the idea that life with women, family and children is inferior to the life of the spirit, so it's all good.

          The soundtrack, however, is marvelous.

    • DCBloom

      So, how do I get an invite to that fine shindig?

  • nounverb911

    I won't attend unless they serve deep-fried butter.

    • Isyaignert

      Haha – my husband asked me what my last meal would be and I said, "Butter." Mmmmmm, butter…how about bacon butter?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Needs more "chocolate bunnies," if you know what I mean.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Hugh, is that you?

    • Negropolis

      I'm partial to Blah Peeps, myself.

  • Radio福井県

    The War on Easter has begun!!1!

    • Extemporanus

      Yeah, uh, thanks for the heads-up, William Dawes.

      • Radio福井県

        Consider it a Resurrection. ;–)

        • Extemporanus

          We have always been at war with your Easter.

          (__/)
          (='.'=)
          (")_(")

          • Radio福井県

            BTW, last weekend, WTF was that thing that looked something like this:
            '((–O—-O–))/

          • Extemporanus

            Whatever it was, it's no wonder that the police haven't apprehended it yet — they're looking for John Lennon!

            Actually, ヾ((@⌒o⌒@))ノ was meant to be a "Haha!" kaomoji homage to your Fukui-san comment.

            Also, I have no fucking idea…

            [BTW: I swear that that there emotihare had a pair of ears when I posted it. IT CAN HAZ PURPUL HART PLEEZ??]

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Backslashes don't survive the commenting process.
            You can, however, slip in the "set minus" (U+2216) symbol: ∖

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Doesn't she know how much cholesterol is in those fucking eggs?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Fucking eggs? Well, I guess. Now that the eggs are going to be real, official people in Arizona (soon to be followed by other batshit crazy states) I guess they can fuck on their own. That, however, creates a conundrum beyond my philosophical powers of reason. Which is why it is best just to fap and let the world go to hell in an Easter basket.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Won't somebody think of the chicken fetuses?!?!?!

  • Extemporanus

    Yo, where my Peeps at?!

    • prommie

      What you did there? I see it.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Deys in da liberry, gettin' edumucated.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212
    • finallyhappy

      peeps are made by Just Born- JEWS- yes, we own it!!!! Each peep has a tiny matzo center. Sadly the Bornsteins who own it are not my relatives. My Bornstein relatives own nothing

      • Extemporanus
      • Exhausted66

        Not even bears?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        You live down the street from Obama in Chicago? Aha, then I've seen you at the Treasure Island (née the Co-op)!

        • finallyhappy

          no, I live at the opposite end of 16th street from the white House. 16th street ends here in Maryland.

      • Negropolis

        Peep libel!

    • flamingpdog

      They were at Costco last night when I was there. You can buy nine packages of five Peeps each, all wrapped up in one piece of cellophane. URRRP!!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So, who's bringing the matzoh?

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    I'm changing my name to Levon Helm Hipster Beard.
    ~

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    like Jesus, she's above this shit

  • Trannysurprise

    The next thing you know she'll be letting the gays in like they're normal people.

  • Barb

    Donald Trump is going to show up at the White House and demand to see each egg's birth certificate.

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      If he happens to find a hottie egg from Czechoslovakia, he'll probably take it home and marry it.
      ~

    • Boojum

      When are they going to start demanding the placental verification, i.e., the after birth certificate?

  • OneYieldRegular

    What, no public crucifixion on the White House lawn? What kind of liberal, namby-pamby Easter celebration is this?

  • prommie

    Arugula! Drinking brie! EeeeeLeeeeets!

  • MissTaken

    Maybe that's why these little British punks refused to roll some eggs with the FLOTUS?? http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-31749_162-57409266-10

    • PubOption

      Which members of One Direction are gay?

      • sullivanst

        All of them, Katie.

        • Loaded_Pants

          Almost a six pack of twinks.

    • Negropolis

      Don't they know what kind of bump they'd get out of a White House visit? Damned, ungrateful, limey bastards, the lot of 'em! USA! USA! USA!

  • prommie

    Paula Deen Libel!
    I'm a fat old loser.

  • Joshua Norton

    I never understood the concept of rolling Easter eggs. What doz that meen?

    Egg rolls I get. Roll eggs, say what?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      K, so one Easter? That uncle that always gets drunk at Thanksgiving came over early…

    • flamingpdog

      It's like rolling drunks, which is what Young Republicans do for spare change.

    • Trannysurprise

      It's all part of the celebration. See, back in the olden days a bunny, a chicken and a virgin were nailed to a cross. They shit themselves and the little round turds rolled down a hill. Some fell into chimneys, some into mangers, and some weren't turds at all, just eggs.

      So now, we lower a giant turd egg from a church steeple high above Times Square to celebrate the death of rabbits, the existence of virgins and the invention of Chik-Fil-A.

      • George Spelvin

        This deserves a Wikipedia entry.

    • Negropolis

      Something about fertility and rolling the stone away from the grave and some shit. also.

  • Baconzgood

    The horror.

    • fuflans

      yeah, history's worst,

      – whatever.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    The problem with eating the body of Jeebus is that after you're done is that it comes back up after three days.

    • Isyaignert

      You know you're going to burn in da h3ll don't 'cha? Bring aloe vera.

    • Boojum

      Plus, the nails get stuck in your throat.

  • http://protoplasm.wordpress.com/ Preacher_Griz

    Jesus was NOT a jew. I am tired of that defamation. He was an Aramaniacian!

    • JustPixelz

      Also white, blonde, blue eyed. He looked weird in the Middle East but his carpentry shop got great reviews on Angie's List so people hired him anyway.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Aramaniacian. That's an Aryan before the rise of the Hitler guy?

        • Boojum

          That's Arizona nut job, but before Arizona.

    • ttommyunger

      According to Rightards, he was Jewish, but only on his mother's side.

    • Isyaignert

      Also, too, the Jews didn't kill Jesus (some say that's why Hitler went after them) it was the ROMANS who killed Jesus. Was Fux News around back then?

    • Negropolis

      Wait, Jesus was a Kardashian?

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    I don't know about Iran's view of Easter tidings — but over in China they're getting a kick out of 'shopping furries and feather'ds like they just gorged on an entire Russell Stover's® Easter Melee Assortment.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    What I want to know is, will Eric Cantor be leading the White House Seder this year?

    • DCBloom

      Nah, I think they finally took his Jew card

      • Loaded_Pants

        Not only is Obama a Kenyan Socialist Muslim he's also…maybe a secret Jew? http://publicreligion.org/research/2012/04/jewish

        • DCBloom

          That was a really cool article. Thanks for the link!

        • Negropolis

          But Paul Ryan told me the other day that he's a secret atheist.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    The conservative equivalent would be to invite the CEOs of Arby's, Burger King, KFC and Taco Bell.

    • Veritas78

      …aka Chris Christie. "I'm not just our CEO, I'm our only client!"

  • DetectiveGrey

    I wonder what Fox Nation's response to this will be.

    • JustPixelz

      It's grass warfare?

      Obama is using his food stamps on luxuries.

      It takes a male and a female to make an Easter egg, not two hens, not two cocks roosters.

  • BornInATrailer

    No doubt she'll use those lousy cage-free eggs too. Can't even taste the suffering in those.

  • HippieEsq

    This Easter Egg hunt reeks of….good wholesome family fun. Basically if there isn't a shooting range and a baptism pool, then the right wing will throw a tantrum.

  • Schmannnity

    No green bean casserole with mushroom soup and french fried onion rings? The elitism indeed.

    • MissTaken

      I'm gonna make an ambrosia salad with jello and whipped cream. Because salads are healthy!

      • Veritas78

        Mmm! Time to dust off the fondue set. "Fondue? Can do!"

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Voltaggio? Sounds Muslin.

  • SorosBot

    Well I'll be nailing a bunny to a cross.

    • flamingpdog

      Back in the olden days, I used to fanatsize about nailing a bunny, just not to a cross.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Except where the handrails met…

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Mrs. Obama was handing out radishes wrapped in lettuce, saying "Body by Jake."

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    My favorite seasonal joke, ever, at all: "Easter has been canceled. They found the body."

    • DCBloom

      I'm so gonna retell that joke and make it my own.

      • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

        Go right ahead. I DID. :-)

    • Negropolis

      That's so very wicked…nice, nice.

  • Joshua Norton

    Needz moar non-elitist, good ole Type II USofA eatin'. Like "Paula Deen's Deep Fried Easter Ham on a Bed of Jelly Donuts".

    • Negropolis

      I got diabetes and heart disease just reading that. Also, butter & awl. Also.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Easter can't be ruined any more than the Christians have already done — it used to be a fine spring fertility festival, and now look — they celebrate nailing John Barleycorn to the cross, wrap his body in a festive twelfth-century relic a crusader bought in some tourist trap, shove him in Joseph of Arimathea's hole, and three days later when some women go to wash the body a giant bunny is standing there giving them Cadbury eggs. Can't we go back to having sex in the fields like in old times?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    They should get Chef Ramsay to yell and curse at the little kids for being fat, slow donkeys.

  • MissTaken

    Eggs are chicken abortions!

    • IncenseDebate

      Why did the chicken abortion cross the road?

      • MissTaken

        To get another abortion?

        • IncenseDebate

          Eggscellent!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      No, they're periods

      Balut, on the other hand…

      • Loaded_Pants

        Gah!

  • FakaktaSouth

    Well then I just won't tell Michelle O about my unhealthy Plastic Easter Egg Jello Shots and Ground Standing at the ranch on Sunday.

    Lent is over then and I've stuck to my no-Starbucks for 40 days. This means I'll be starting the day sin-free, so – look out, or hey, watch this…

    • HippieEsq

      that's even harder than giving up bread for 8. this caffeinated (and cannibinated) jew-lawyer salutes you.

  • RedneckMuslin

    It's not a chocolate egg! It's bunny poop!

  • RedneckMuslin

    Bunny, keep fuckin' that chicken.

  • flamingpdog

    It'll be so nice when Presdint Mittens is in da White House and we won't have none of them culluhed Easter eggs no more.

    • iburl

      Yolk Libel!

    • JohnnyQuick

      All Mormon eggs are gold, and poachable only by the angel Moroni hermself.

      • Veritas78

        But Joseph Smith lost them, the stupid ninny. In upstate New York, no less. No wonder they chased him out and then lynched him, the damned fool.

  • gout

    So Easter is when this Jesus character pops his head out of the ground and if he sees his shadow there is six more weeks of winter. What is the big deal anyway?

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      That answer got me an 'F' in my Religions of the World final. Some people don't like you joking around about the groundhog.

      • gout

        Clearly groundhogs have been persecuted from Roman times until this very day…

  • PubOption

    What disgusting concoction will Andrew Zimmern put in his eggs?

    • Negropolis

      I don't know, but I do know what George Zimmerman will put in his: a bullet, as he is wont to do.

  • Callyson

    Oh, for Christ's sake.

  • OneDollarJuana

    I'm dyeing my eggs this year with Pink Slime.

  • IncenseDebate

    I like how Wonkette gets me through the holidays.

  • Generation[redacted]

    The Easter Bunny dyed for your sins!

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Some of you commenters use very fowl language.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Birds of a feather…

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    I always thought this Christian thing in the US of having ham at Easter was like thumbing your nose at the Jews as if to say "See! See! Be saved and you can eat any damn thing you want to!"

  • owhatever

    I went to the White House Easter Egg Roll as a child and got kicked away from a beautifully decorated pink egg by Richard Nixon, who grabbed it for himself. When I cried, the Secret Service arrested me, but Pat Nixon set me free and invited me in for a couple of "real" drinks.

    • Veritas78

      And then where did she touch you? Here, show us on this doll.

    • Negropolis

      Hell, if you had gone during the Ford administration, ole betty would have skipped the first part, entirely.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Don't roll away the stone, leave well enough alone.

  • EmileZoloft

    You need to have ham, to commemorate the Passover ham (Hazir Pesach) Jesus 'n' pals had at the Last Supper. Don't you people have Bibles?

    • finallyhappy

      We always eat frogs legs- because of the plagues

  • Toomush_Infer

    I'm just surrounding the wife with a mattress full of Peeps….she's likes being watched…

  • finallyhappy

    years ago( I was a parent even then)
    – I met Macho Man from the WWF at the easter egg roll. Also Janet Reno. Janet was much nicer than Macho Man- a grown guy dressed in paisley spandex

    • Negropolis

      But, I bet you Janet could kick is ass. OH YEE-AH!

  • ttommyunger

    Chocolate eggs, really? Watch out for the Newtser to try to crash that party.

  • Negropolis

    Ghetto-elitist? We prefer the term the Ghettotocracy.

  • oldedinvn

    Easter bunnies,delicious, love them fried. Or is easter about the fat turkey that comes down the chimbley what cooks its own self?

  • larrykat

    When do they air their grievances and show feats of strength?