REAL CHRISTIANS EAT CHEEZ-ITS  2:57 pm April 4, 2012

How Is Michelle Obama Taking The Jesus Out Of Easter Now?

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

I gave my love a chicken that had no boneGhetto-elitist/Harvard-ACORN/exercise-Nazi-fat-person Michelle Obama has done it again. She has RUINED EASTER by letting her husband, Ol’ Idiot-Head there, wish Iran a happy Nowruz while NEGLECTING to celebrate the holiest day in Christendom. But don’t they have a big Easter celebration at the White House every year? you are scratching the fleas from your Levon Helm hipster beard and wondering. YES. How dare Michelle Obama follow White House tradition by offering an Easter celebration for all children to cry at instead of just the besaved ones! And now she is filthying it up even more by inviting her Hollywood liberal elite reality television cooking show friends to set up food tents filled with food that is neither ham nor Christ’s body. (Presumably.)

So what is Moo-Shell politicizing now? Oh, just EVERYTHING.

As hundreds of kids comb the grounds of the White House looking for colorful eggs at next Monday’s Easter egg roll, eight celebrity chefs will be adding their own flavors to the affair, giving cooking demonstrations in a pavilion on the South Lawn — right near first lady Michelle Obama’s famous Kitchen Garden.

Five of the chefs have appeared on “Top Chef,” either as contestants or guests: Sam Kass, White House Senior Policy Advisor for Healthy Food Initiatives; Bryan Voltaggio, chef/owner of Volt restaurant in Frederick; Carla Hall, from ABC’s “The Chew;” Paul Qui, Executive Chef of Uchiko in Austin, Tex.; and Richard Blais, host of “Reinventing the Meal” on the Cooking Channel.

There she goes, with her CELEBRITY friends again, yanking the anusburgers from your cold dead hands and “jamming” quinoa salad down our throats. Are you going to stand for that, Merka? FREEDOM! [WashingtonExaminer]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 151 comments }

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 4, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I always celebrate good Friday by crucifying something. Hopefully a wingnut. Then we have a pagan bonfire and and orgy.

SorosBot April 4, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Now that really sounds fun; I just usually celebrate Good Friday with a traditional blasphemous viewing of The Life Of Brian. Oh, and masturbating at the hour of Jesus' supposed death; that's a nice extra bit of blasphemy.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 4, 2012 at 3:05 pm

I have a great recipe for crucified chicken. Some people call it rotisserie, whatever.

Radio福井県 April 4, 2012 at 3:10 pm

BLOOD OF CHRIST LIBEL!

SorosBot April 4, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Mmm, that Christ's blood can be pretty tasty, and can get you good and buzzed. But I'm unemployed and so will probably just be getting Gallo brand blood of Christ.

actor212 April 4, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Is it spatchcocked?

Boojum April 5, 2012 at 12:50 am

Are you having Jew skewers?

RedneckMuslin April 4, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I celebrate by telling the story of Jesus which ends with Jesus saying, "Peter, I can see your house from here".

MissTaken April 4, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Ah yes, the traditional masturbating at the hour of death, or what I like to call The Passion of The Clitoris.

SorosBot April 4, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Or The Passion of the Cock for us mens.

actor212 April 4, 2012 at 3:14 pm

I gargle with Clitoris. Really gives my mouth that clean crisp feeling.

prommie April 4, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Pucker power clean.

JustPixelz April 4, 2012 at 3:16 pm

That's just a myth. Proof: If the clitoris was a real thing, the Repubicans would pass a law against it. Besides, I've never been able to find one. And I tried once.

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 11:30 pm

le petite mort

Sometimes, it can be quite grande, though.

Extemporanus April 4, 2012 at 3:11 pm

"Oh, and masturbating at the hour of Jesus' supposed death; that's a nice extra bit of blasphemy."

Does it take you three days and three nights to rise again, too?

actor212 April 4, 2012 at 3:15 pm

It's like you have a webcam in my bunk!

prommie April 4, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Watch The Last Temptation of Christ, its even more blasphemous, but only if you watch closely, and know your new testament.

Chet Kincaid April 4, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Ah yes, Scorsese took a novel that re-imagined the events as happening among a group of Greek country folk, and re-imagined them occurring among a group of bickering New York Jews and Italians. But he came back around to the idea that life with women, family and children is inferior to the life of the spirit, so it's all good.

The soundtrack, however, is marvelous.

DCBloom April 4, 2012 at 4:40 pm

So, how do I get an invite to that fine shindig?

nounverb911 April 4, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I won't attend unless they serve deep-fried butter.

Isyaignert April 4, 2012 at 11:02 pm

Haha – my husband asked me what my last meal would be and I said, "Butter." Mmmmmm, butter…how about bacon butter?

BaldarTFlagass April 4, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Needs more "chocolate bunnies," if you know what I mean.

Chet Kincaid April 4, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Hugh, is that you?

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 11:31 pm

I'm partial to Blah Peeps, myself.

Radio福井県 April 4, 2012 at 3:00 pm

The War on Easter has begun!!1!

Extemporanus April 4, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Yeah, uh, thanks for the heads-up, William Dawes.

Radio福井県 April 4, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Consider it a Resurrection. ;–)

Extemporanus April 4, 2012 at 3:24 pm

We have always been at war with your Easter.

(__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")

Radio福井県 April 4, 2012 at 3:31 pm

BTW, last weekend, WTF was that thing that looked something like this:
'((–O—-O–))/

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 4, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Doesn't she know how much cholesterol is in those fucking eggs?

Dudleydidwrong April 4, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Fucking eggs? Well, I guess. Now that the eggs are going to be real, official people in Arizona (soon to be followed by other batshit crazy states) I guess they can fuck on their own. That, however, creates a conundrum beyond my philosophical powers of reason. Which is why it is best just to fap and let the world go to hell in an Easter basket.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 4, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Won't somebody think of the chicken fetuses?!?!?!

Extemporanus April 4, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Yo, where my Peeps at?!

prommie April 4, 2012 at 3:05 pm

What you did there? I see it.

elviouslyqueer April 4, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Deys in da liberry, gettin' edumucated.

actor212 April 4, 2012 at 3:16 pm
finallyhappy April 4, 2012 at 3:20 pm

peeps are made by Just Born- JEWS- yes, we own it!!!! Each peep has a tiny matzo center. Sadly the Bornsteins who own it are not my relatives. My Bornstein relatives own nothing

Extemporanus April 4, 2012 at 3:27 pm
Exhausted66 April 4, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Not even bears?

Chet Kincaid April 4, 2012 at 6:48 pm

You live down the street from Obama in Chicago? Aha, then I've seen you at the Treasure Island (née the Co-op)!

finallyhappy April 4, 2012 at 7:06 pm

no, I live at the opposite end of 16th street from the white House. 16th street ends here in Maryland.

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Peep libel!

flamingpdog April 4, 2012 at 3:25 pm

They were at Costco last night when I was there. You can buy nine packages of five Peeps each, all wrapped up in one piece of cellophane. URRRP!!

BaldarTFlagass April 4, 2012 at 3:02 pm

So, who's bringing the matzoh?

ifthethunderdontgetya April 4, 2012 at 3:02 pm

I'm changing my name to Levon Helm Hipster Beard.
~

Gratuitous World April 4, 2012 at 3:03 pm

like Jesus, she's above this shit

Trannysurprise April 4, 2012 at 3:03 pm

The next thing you know she'll be letting the gays in like they're normal people.

Barb April 4, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Donald Trump is going to show up at the White House and demand to see each egg's birth certificate.

ifthethunderdontgetya April 4, 2012 at 3:12 pm

If he happens to find a hottie egg from Czechoslovakia, he'll probably take it home and marry it.
~

Boojum April 5, 2012 at 12:53 am

When are they going to start demanding the placental verification, i.e., the after birth certificate?

OneYieldRegular April 4, 2012 at 3:03 pm

What, no public crucifixion on the White House lawn? What kind of liberal, namby-pamby Easter celebration is this?

prommie April 4, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Arugula! Drinking brie! EeeeeLeeeeets!

MissTaken April 4, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Maybe that's why these little British punks refused to roll some eggs with the FLOTUS?? http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-31749_162-57409266-10

PubOption April 4, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Which members of One Direction are gay?

sullivanst April 4, 2012 at 3:44 pm

All of them, Katie.

Loaded_Pants April 4, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Almost a six pack of twinks.

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 11:35 pm

Don't they know what kind of bump they'd get out of a White House visit? Damned, ungrateful, limey bastards, the lot of 'em! USA! USA! USA!

prommie April 4, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Paula Deen Libel!
I'm a fat old loser.

Joshua Norton April 4, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I never understood the concept of rolling Easter eggs. What doz that meen?

Egg rolls I get. Roll eggs, say what?

actor212 April 4, 2012 at 3:17 pm

K, so one Easter? That uncle that always gets drunk at Thanksgiving came over early…

flamingpdog April 4, 2012 at 3:21 pm

It's like rolling drunks, which is what Young Republicans do for spare change.

Trannysurprise April 4, 2012 at 3:31 pm

It's all part of the celebration. See, back in the olden days a bunny, a chicken and a virgin were nailed to a cross. They shit themselves and the little round turds rolled down a hill. Some fell into chimneys, some into mangers, and some weren't turds at all, just eggs.

So now, we lower a giant turd egg from a church steeple high above Times Square to celebrate the death of rabbits, the existence of virgins and the invention of Chik-Fil-A.

George Spelvin April 4, 2012 at 6:09 pm

This deserves a Wikipedia entry.

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 11:40 pm

Something about fertility and rolling the stone away from the grave and some shit. also.

Baconzgood April 4, 2012 at 3:08 pm

The horror.

fuflans April 4, 2012 at 10:26 pm

yeah, history's worst,

– whatever.

ManchuCandidate April 4, 2012 at 3:08 pm

The problem with eating the body of Jeebus is that after you're done is that it comes back up after three days.

Isyaignert April 4, 2012 at 11:05 pm

You know you're going to burn in da h3ll don't 'cha? Bring aloe vera.

Boojum April 5, 2012 at 12:58 am

Plus, the nails get stuck in your throat.

Preacher_Griz April 4, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Jesus was NOT a jew. I am tired of that defamation. He was an Aramaniacian!

JustPixelz April 4, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Also white, blonde, blue eyed. He looked weird in the Middle East but his carpentry shop got great reviews on Angie's List so people hired him anyway.

Dudleydidwrong April 4, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Aramaniacian. That's an Aryan before the rise of the Hitler guy?

Boojum April 5, 2012 at 12:57 am

That's Arizona nut job, but before Arizona.

ttommyunger April 4, 2012 at 8:26 pm

According to Rightards, he was Jewish, but only on his mother's side.

Isyaignert April 4, 2012 at 11:07 pm

Also, too, the Jews didn't kill Jesus (some say that's why Hitler went after them) it was the ROMANS who killed Jesus. Was Fux News around back then?

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 11:41 pm

Wait, Jesus was a Kardashian?

Mumbletypeg April 4, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I don't know about Iran's view of Easter tidings — but over in China they're getting a kick out of 'shopping furries and feather'ds like they just gorged on an entire Russell Stover's® Easter Melee Assortment.

BaldarTFlagass April 4, 2012 at 3:09 pm

What I want to know is, will Eric Cantor be leading the White House Seder this year?

DCBloom April 4, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Nah, I think they finally took his Jew card

Loaded_Pants April 4, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Not only is Obama a Kenyan Socialist Muslim he's also…maybe a secret Jew? http://publicreligion.org/research/2012/04/jewish

DCBloom April 4, 2012 at 10:35 pm

That was a really cool article. Thanks for the link!

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 11:42 pm

But Paul Ryan told me the other day that he's a secret atheist.

smokefilledroommate April 4, 2012 at 3:09 pm

The conservative equivalent would be to invite the CEOs of Arby's, Burger King, KFC and Taco Bell.

Veritas78 April 4, 2012 at 9:43 pm

…aka Chris Christie. "I'm not just our CEO, I'm our only client!"

DetectiveGrey April 4, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I wonder what Fox Nation's response to this will be.

JustPixelz April 4, 2012 at 3:27 pm

It's grass warfare?

Obama is using his food stamps on luxuries.

It takes a male and a female to make an Easter egg, not two hens, not two cocks roosters.

BornInATrailer April 4, 2012 at 3:10 pm

No doubt she'll use those lousy cage-free eggs too. Can't even taste the suffering in those.

HippieEsq April 4, 2012 at 3:11 pm

This Easter Egg hunt reeks of….good wholesome family fun. Basically if there isn't a shooting range and a baptism pool, then the right wing will throw a tantrum.

Schmannnity April 4, 2012 at 3:12 pm

No green bean casserole with mushroom soup and french fried onion rings? The elitism indeed.

MissTaken April 4, 2012 at 3:14 pm

I'm gonna make an ambrosia salad with jello and whipped cream. Because salads are healthy!

Veritas78 April 4, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Mmm! Time to dust off the fondue set. "Fondue? Can do!"

actor212 April 4, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Voltaggio? Sounds Muslin.

SorosBot April 4, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Well I'll be nailing a bunny to a cross.

flamingpdog April 4, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Back in the olden days, I used to fanatsize about nailing a bunny, just not to a cross.

actor212 April 4, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Except where the handrails met…

EatsBabyDingos April 4, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Mrs. Obama was handing out radishes wrapped in lettuce, saying "Body by Jake."

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 4, 2012 at 3:17 pm

My favorite seasonal joke, ever, at all: "Easter has been canceled. They found the body."

DCBloom April 4, 2012 at 4:47 pm

I'm so gonna retell that joke and make it my own.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 4, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Go right ahead. I DID. :-)

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 11:45 pm

That's so very wicked…nice, nice.

Joshua Norton April 4, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Needz moar non-elitist, good ole Type II USofA eatin'. Like "Paula Deen's Deep Fried Easter Ham on a Bed of Jelly Donuts".

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 11:46 pm

I got diabetes and heart disease just reading that. Also, butter & awl. Also.

SayItWithWookies April 4, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Easter can't be ruined any more than the Christians have already done — it used to be a fine spring fertility festival, and now look — they celebrate nailing John Barleycorn to the cross, wrap his body in a festive twelfth-century relic a crusader bought in some tourist trap, shove him in Joseph of Arimathea's hole, and three days later when some women go to wash the body a giant bunny is standing there giving them Cadbury eggs. Can't we go back to having sex in the fields like in old times?

elviouslyqueer April 4, 2012 at 3:28 pm

You forgot dyeing hard-boiled chicken fetuses in various colors that never appeared in nature and stuffing them in a basket filled with dyed and shredded doggie waste receptacles.

ThundercatHo April 4, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Count me in. Outdoor sex is the best sex.

Advn2rgirl April 5, 2012 at 12:16 am

It's not the first of May yet, though. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRhPeJ3uzOc

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 5, 2012 at 9:24 am

I am going to learn this song.

Toomush_Infer April 4, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Still too cold in northern MI….me shrinketh from the thought….

Sharkey April 4, 2012 at 3:21 pm

They should get Chef Ramsay to yell and curse at the little kids for being fat, slow donkeys.

MissTaken April 4, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Eggs are chicken abortions!

IncenseDebate April 4, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Why did the chicken abortion cross the road?

MissTaken April 4, 2012 at 3:37 pm

To get another abortion?

IncenseDebate April 4, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Eggscellent!

actor212 April 4, 2012 at 5:22 pm

No, they're periods

Balut, on the other hand…

Loaded_Pants April 4, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Gah!

FakaktaSouth April 4, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Well then I just won't tell Michelle O about my unhealthy Plastic Easter Egg Jello Shots and Ground Standing at the ranch on Sunday.

Lent is over then and I've stuck to my no-Starbucks for 40 days. This means I'll be starting the day sin-free, so – look out, or hey, watch this…

HippieEsq April 4, 2012 at 3:43 pm

that's even harder than giving up bread for 8. this caffeinated (and cannibinated) jew-lawyer salutes you.

RedneckMuslin April 4, 2012 at 3:25 pm

It's not a chocolate egg! It's bunny poop!

RedneckMuslin April 4, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Bunny, keep fuckin' that chicken.

flamingpdog April 4, 2012 at 3:27 pm

It'll be so nice when Presdint Mittens is in da White House and we won't have none of them culluhed Easter eggs no more.

iburl April 4, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Yolk Libel!

JohnnyQuick April 4, 2012 at 3:30 pm

All Mormon eggs are gold, and poachable only by the angel Moroni hermself.

Veritas78 April 4, 2012 at 9:49 pm

But Joseph Smith lost them, the stupid ninny. In upstate New York, no less. No wonder they chased him out and then lynched him, the damned fool.

gout April 4, 2012 at 3:31 pm

So Easter is when this Jesus character pops his head out of the ground and if he sees his shadow there is six more weeks of winter. What is the big deal anyway?

natoslug April 4, 2012 at 5:26 pm

That answer got me an 'F' in my Religions of the World final. Some people don't like you joking around about the groundhog.

gout April 4, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Clearly groundhogs have been persecuted from Roman times until this very day…

PubOption April 4, 2012 at 3:35 pm

What disgusting concoction will Andrew Zimmern put in his eggs?

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 11:51 pm

I don't know, but I do know what George Zimmerman will put in his: a bullet, as he is wont to do.

Callyson April 4, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Oh, for Christ's sake.

OneDollarJuana April 4, 2012 at 3:39 pm

I'm dyeing my eggs this year with Pink Slime.

IncenseDebate April 4, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I like how Wonkette gets me through the holidays.

Generation[redacted] April 4, 2012 at 3:44 pm

The Easter Bunny dyed for your sins!

Sharkey April 4, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Some of you commenters use very fowl language.

Loaded_Pants April 4, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Birds of a feather…

randcoolcatdaddy April 4, 2012 at 4:01 pm

I always thought this Christian thing in the US of having ham at Easter was like thumbing your nose at the Jews as if to say "See! See! Be saved and you can eat any damn thing you want to!"

owhatever April 4, 2012 at 4:04 pm

I went to the White House Easter Egg Roll as a child and got kicked away from a beautifully decorated pink egg by Richard Nixon, who grabbed it for himself. When I cried, the Secret Service arrested me, but Pat Nixon set me free and invited me in for a couple of "real" drinks.

Veritas78 April 4, 2012 at 9:51 pm

And then where did she touch you? Here, show us on this doll.

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 11:53 pm

Hell, if you had gone during the Ford administration, ole betty would have skipped the first part, entirely.

Wile E. Quixote April 4, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Don't roll away the stone, leave well enough alone.

EmileZoloft April 4, 2012 at 4:44 pm

You need to have ham, to commemorate the Passover ham (Hazir Pesach) Jesus 'n' pals had at the Last Supper. Don't you people have Bibles?

finallyhappy April 4, 2012 at 7:09 pm

We always eat frogs legs- because of the plagues

Toomush_Infer April 4, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I'm just surrounding the wife with a mattress full of Peeps….she's likes being watched…

finallyhappy April 4, 2012 at 5:44 pm

years ago( I was a parent even then)
– I met Macho Man from the WWF at the easter egg roll. Also Janet Reno. Janet was much nicer than Macho Man- a grown guy dressed in paisley spandex

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 11:56 pm

But, I bet you Janet could kick is ass. OH YEE-AH!

ttommyunger April 4, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Chocolate eggs, really? Watch out for the Newtser to try to crash that party.

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 11:18 pm

Ghetto-elitist? We prefer the term the Ghettotocracy.

oldedinvn April 5, 2012 at 8:11 am

Easter bunnies,delicious, love them fried. Or is easter about the fat turkey that comes down the chimbley what cooks its own self?

larrykat April 5, 2012 at 10:24 am

When do they air their grievances and show feats of strength?

OneDollarJuana April 4, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Mmmm! BlutdesCristiWurst!

Extemporanus April 4, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Whatever it was, it's no wonder that the police haven't apprehended it yet — they're looking for John Lennon!

Actually, ヾ((@⌒o⌒@))ノ was meant to be a "Haha!" kaomoji homage to your Fukui-san comment.

Also, I have no fucking idea…

[BTW: I swear that that there emotihare had a pair of ears when I posted it. IT CAN HAZ PURPUL HART PLEEZ??]

Biel_ze_Bubba April 5, 2012 at 10:40 am

Backslashes don't survive the commenting process.
You can, however, slip in the "set minus" (U+2216) symbol: ∖

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: